So I like to think that I do a pretty good job at soldiering on – that art of being a trooper and moving forward despite the fact my life might be falling apart. Trouble? Keep moving forward, it’s only a blip, this too will pass. I subscribe to this theory all the time. And it’s ok, sort of, sometimes, but not really. The challenge to soldiering on is that it causes me to roll past experiences in my life that hurt, a lot, and I don’t really deal it.
When you’ve been at this game for as long as I have, you’ve rolled past a lot of stuff and you think it’s gone, but it’s really not. No, it’s actually lurking in the background, it’s like a cloud hanging over your head. And then it starts to leak out, well, really is leaking out. You don’t want to acknowledge what’s happening, so you don’t. But other people start to notice, and you start to notice. Things seem off, or you’re irritable for no reason, and then you’re crying again. Crap.
So here I am, feeling like I’m in a washing machine, tumbled around, beat up and dripping out parts of me that no one needs to see. Not sure where I’m headed, but knowing that I can’t stay here. I know God’s got a lot more in store for me. I have the whole second half to live and I want joy, I want happy, I want fun! I’m reminded of what a friend once told me, “You’re not a good soldier when you’re injured.” I think it’s time to get healed.