Be Kind, Keep Going, Loving the adventure, Stuff in my head, Thoughts about life

Table For One

IMG_2444[1]So I did it.  I took myself on a date! I’ve learned that what makes me happy is to have an adventure and that’s what I planned.  Here’s how it went.  I drove over to Tiburon and took the ferry out to Angel Island.  The island sits on the Marin side of the San Francisco Bay and is beautiful!  I knew that I wanted to do some hiking and had a couple of options.  I could walk around the perimeter or up Mount Livermore that sits in the middle of the island.  I flip flopped back and forth a couple of times and then decided to go up – better views and I’d be in nature.  The perimeter loop had lots of history – but I didn’t really care about that – apologies to my history loving friends.  Nature is more my thing.

As I started up the hill, I realized I forgot my headphones, but then decided that was probably ok – more time to think and just be still in my mind.  Though I don’t know if I could live there, I love the Bay Area – especially the Marin side.  I trucked up the mountain

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and took time to enjoy the views along the way.  Although…I hiked at a pace that left me a little sore today – bonus! It was a picture perfect day and just stunningly beautiful – sunscreen would have been my friend since my running dress is super cute but sleeveless, talking about accelerated tanning. (Am I the only one that happens to? That first big sun exposure of the year and the aftermath – reminding me to wear sunscreen the rest of the year)   Afterwards, I went to a restaurant I like in Corte Madera for a big salad and then to the outdoor mall across the street where I dreamt of new shoes in Sundance and sampled perfume at Nordstrom.  I moseyed home later without being worried about the time, or any pressures at home.  Probably not a date someone else would choose, but super relaxing and therapeutic for me!

I had a great time and came home relaxed, but I think the better part of the day is what and what didn’t go on in my head. I made a choice not to dwell but to just let thoughts flow in my mind as I walked and see what came up. I’ve been going through a tough (stating it mildly) season, one that has caused me to spend a lot of time in self-reflection, more than usual and that’s saying a lot.  Looking back, trying to understand, being angry, wanting answers, wondering what I did or didn’t do, guilt, shame…you name it, I probably felt it at least once.  But here’s really sunk in yesterday, even though I already knew this… I’m not going to get answers, I’m not going to get “closure” of this situation from anyone but myself.  I have to make a choice to look at today, to look forward instead of looking back.  God has given me everything I need to move forward.  He forgives me when I need to be forgiven.  I need to choose to live happily, to choose joy, to be kind to myself.  God is not a micro manager – only I can change my story.  He’s given me everything I need to get to a different place.  I don’t want anyone to look at me and think my current story – or the story I would tell before yesterday – is my entire life.  It’s a chapter – the chapter some people met me in the middle of.  But there is so much more life for me, so much more that I have to give to others and give to myself.

That said, I don’t know what lies ahead, I really don’t.  But what I do know is that I can make choices about what I bring into my life. What I allow to swim around in my head, what I meditate on.  Continuing to rehash and re-evaluate won’t change anything and I don’t say that loosely.  It’s the truth.  I can’t change anything in the past, but I can choose, I am choosing, to see if different, from a different perspective, one whIMG_2445[1]ere I give myself and others mercy and grace.

I was asked if there will be a second date.  Yes, I would go out with me again and enjoy that table for one – I’m worth it.

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