Knowing the difference

Here’s a few things I know about myself.  I like things the way I like them, I’m fussy – truth. I can be a little tricky, much more of a daisy than I’d like to own up to. I like playing pretty and my eyeRoyal Arch Journeylashes. I love my early mornings of journaling and coffee at Starbucks.  I’m a neat freak, trying to reform, but ask my kids, it’s a real thing. I make the bed, every day. I floss, and use mouthwash, leftover food taste in my mouth – that’s not happening. I arrive early for appointments, or when I meet people – it’s polite.  I don’t like anger as an emotion in me, it doesn’t happen.  Frustration happe
ns, irritation happens, but not anger (yes, I know I’m splitting hairs). I am independent.  I am an athlete.  I am passionate about athletic fitness – not gym fitness necessarily – but fitness outside, in God’s beautiful creation. I am emotional, I cry sometimes and sometimes more than others.  I care deeply for people and want the best for them.

I also know that I am ok being alone.  I like it, to some degree.  I can do what I want to do, or not do, when I want to do it.  That’s an adventure I’m on right now.  A weekend alone…away from home. Wait, what? The away from home threw me for a loop.  Maybe I’m ok being alone in my realm at home, with my home base to go back to when I make day trips.  It gives me security.  This trip was brave for me. I came to Boulder alone on Friday and have to be in Denver Sunday afternoon for work.  It was the perfect time to make a little side trip.  I was packed and good to go.  But when I arrived, I felt overwhelming anxiety.  What was that about?? I made myself push through it, and it’s been hard.  Saturday I hiked for hours and it was beautiful, and I was at peace in nature, like I often am. Afterwards though, my not so friendly friend anxiety tried to come back. I’m aware it’s there, but I’m trying to blow it off, or at least make friends with it so it doesn’t get in my way.

All those things I know about myself, I like them – tricky stuff and all, I like being alone – sometimes, so why do I feel like this on a weekend where I’m working on being brave? I think what I’ve come to realize over the last couple weeks is that even though I’m ok to be alone, I’m lonely.  All those things I like about me, I want to share them.  I want to be sitting here talking with someone about how much fun today was, how beautiful it is here. I miss that.  It’s something I’m aware of, and I have a lot of thoughts about it that are for another day.

What I do know though is that the feeling I have of wanting to lean in, it’s still there.  I know that sometimes people will think that when you’re alone it means you’re lonely.  But it doesn’t.  I wasn’t lonely for a long time even though I was alone, for a lot of reasons.  I think that in these moments, the best I can do is to lean in to what I have, the family, the friends, the passion. And really, that’s what we all should be doing anyways, leaning in to those we love and care about.  When we do, when we have connection and love, loneliness will fade and we can enjoy where we are – at that moment.

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