Are you missing your life?

Rushing through lifeI was at a workshop the other day for work and the day started with some light team building. No problem, I was thinking. I’m all over this. First question… think about a time when… and that was it… checkmate. Anytime I’m asked to remember a time, or remember when, it’s a ride on the struggle bus. My kids often ask me obscure things like, “Mom, remember that time when I went shopping with you and you hit me when you found that purse you liked?” Ok, that one I do remember, in my excitement over finding an adorable purse, I hit him. As in “oooh, oooh, look at this purse!!” Ladies, can I get a nod on that one, I mean, it was a purse. But other things like, that time at the pool, or that time we were in the car and you asked us [insert whatever random fact you can think of], those things I struggle to remember.

I’ve chalked my lack of remembering up to my failing memory. Menopause brain, just saying. But in the workshop the other day, as I struggled to think up a time to share, something else occurred to me. I’m sometimes so busy rushing through life that I forget to take the time to actually live it and remember it. It seems like there are always so many things going on that I’m jumping from one thing to the next in rapid fire pace.

It’s exhausting. The details get blurred. And while I’m accomplishing and getting stuff done, I’m not able to remember the joys along the way.  That’s not ok with me. Not ok to be so busy doing that I end up missing my life. Part of the joy of life, I think, is to be able to come up with so many answers to “remember a time…” that choosing just one is the struggle.

I don’t want to live like that anymore.

So I’ve been looking at how I can shift, how I can slow down long enough to notice the details. To celebrate the good times and, equally important, grieve the hard ones.  At my weekly girlfriend coffee, we’ve been talking about multi-tasking. The scientific proof that if we say we’re good at multi-tasking, we’re really just kidding ourselves. I used to think I was the queen of multi-tasking. But…that’s a lie. I can look at it now and realize I only paid half attention, at best, to the multiple things I was doing.

But how do you stop. Our culture rewards multi-tasking. And we’re subjected to a constant barrage of information. We juggle our multiple devices, glued to our phones for fear of missing anything, and then add on the complexities of everyday living and the information that comes at us.

It’s a choice. And actually, it’s simple. Do one thing at a time. Really, that’s it. Simple, but maybe not easy. You could sit down at dinner and just eat, enjoying your food, actually realizing that you’re nourishing your body. Have a conversation with a loved one, no phones allowed. Focus on them, what they’re saying instead of being on edge wondering what you’re missing not checking your phone, your social media, what everyone else is doing. That’s just living your life through other people. Engage in the life that’s going on around you. Notice your environment, the natural beauty, let that fuel you. If you have to be on your computer, which I do for work, do that and then stop to talk to people around you. Don’t do both at the same time.

Simple. Just do and be fully in one thing at a time. Your life is beautiful, my life is beautiful, let’s truly live it. Be brave, your life has been right there with you the whole time.

Still Uncertain

I played hooky on my workout yesterday.  It was glorious. My friend and I were having our regular Saturday morning coffee date and talking about how much motivation it was taking us to go work out. I was going swimming, which I normally love. I had skipped a workout earlier in the week because I was exhausted, which I am most of the time, so I wanted to make it up. It started innocently with dreaming about playing hooky and the next thing I knew, it was on and crackin’. It felt indulgent and wonderful at the time.

Predictably though, I felt guilty.

In reality, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. I realized it had more to do with the uncertainty. If I didn’t go swimming, would I lose strength? Would I gain weight? More underlying…I had to admit…was the question of whose expectations was I not meeting? Who was I failing by not doing what I said I was going to do?

Mine. Only mine.

Sometime I get caught up in what I think other people’s expectations are. Uncertainty about those expectations keeps me tightly wound. But the truth is THOSE EXPECTATIONS DON’T EXIST. I say that loudly because it’s the truth I need to listen to.

I’ve realized avoiding uncertainty has a lot to do with control. Is that a news flash only to me? If I am in control of situations, the outcomes are far less uncertain. Crap. I’ve been working on letting go of control and it still comes back up.

Here’s another way it comes up, or better said, here’s how it gets in the way. Sometimes there are situations at work where I could be involved in a project, for example. Maybe even be the lead. If it’s something I feel certain about, I know my stuff, I’ll do it. But if it’s a situation where there are uncertain factors, people, tasks, I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the uneasiness. And if I push myself on it, it comes to fear. Fear because of the uncertainty of whether I’ll be successful or not. Will I fail?

But what if I do? Would that be terrible? Probably not.

When I really sit down and think about it, avoiding uncertainty, maintaining control, it all comes back to fear. And fear creates limiting thinking. It holds me back. It probably holds you back.  When fear calls the shots, we live small.

Realizing that fear underlies my avoidance of uncertainty, my desire to maintain control, is an eye-opener. So now what? If you relate to any of this, do you want to stay here, stuck? I know I don’t.  What I know is that making a plan to push through the fear can easily become a formula to control it. So scrap that. Instead, let’s look at where we are using limited thinking. Where are we using assumptions about what’s happened in the past as the truth of what will be in the future? Challenge those. Question those.

I’m still on my quest to embrace uncertainty, and I’m uncertain about it. I think that’s the point. But I’ll stay in it, I’ll play hooky, I’ll take a step I might otherwise avoid, I’ll take risk. I’m a brave girl. Be brave with me my friends, it’s a journey we can take together.

How will you hit a curve ball?

trust-the-processI’ve been going through a class, really to call it a class is an understatement, a program, a transformation, to become a certified professional coach. It’s been six months of hard work and incredible rewards through personal growth and the development of lifelong friendships with people who I shared this journey with. But it’s almost over. Today is the last day of live classes and then it’s just a matter of cleaning up loose strings and putting a bow on it.

And I’m full of anxiety.

What’s that about? This is what I’ve been asking myself…and my coaching friends…and our facilitator…

More on that in a minute.

In the midst of the anxiety I’ve had the last week, I’ve also been thrown a couple of big curve balls. You know, those things that happen in life when you’re going along humming a happy tune and next thing you know, smack… what the what was that??? They’re not necessarily bad things, but things that are different than expected. Turns in the road that I wasn’t planning to make today.

Take those curve balls and the anxiety I’ve been feeling and you’ve got yourself a bit tangled mess in my brain. What to do, what to feel, cry, don’t cry, chocolate? Well, chocolate is always an answer.

Take a breath. That’s what I’m doing, and loving the way God works. Yesterday in class, we went over the results of our Energy Leadership Index, basically a tool to understand how we show up in life attitudinally.  I was able to see how I respond to stress in black and white. It was no surprise to me, but put words and understanding around what I already knew in my head – super helpful – thanks for that prep God. Combined with the anxiety I’d been feeling and the curve balls, I am able to stay conscious of my response, and choose a different one. Instead of feeling powerless, like life is happening to me, I realize that’s not the truth. That I can choose a different response to this stress, one that acts from a place of being true to myself and to others. That allows me to be in the moment instead of feeling derailed. Realizing that my anxiety was just based on a fear of going back to that place, that stress response that left me powerless…a life and will sucking place to be honest…no thanks.

That feels pretty good, I have to be honest. To be able to see how I’ve checked out in the past and make a choice to be stay engaged, to not feel like life is happening to me, to be present, to be in it to win it (as someone I love likes to say).

Curve balls are always going to be there, and if you feel like they happen to you, that’s a choice, but it doesn’t have to be your truth. You can redefine your truth, your response. Choose to respond in a way that stays true to you and allows you to remain engaged with those around you. To come at it from your heart. One of the immeasurablePrint gifts of this program has been the coaching I’ve received over the last 20 weeks. It’s helped get me in a space to flow with the curve ball instead of seeing stars as it smacks me in the head, to become and stay connected to my heart.

What a gift! One I’d share with any of you in a heartbeat. Coaching with me is a journey to discover or rediscover yourself, to make choices from a place of strength, connected to your heart, your gifts…and take those curve balls, those turns in the road, with ease instead of stopping short of the life that’s there for you to live. Be brave, that’s my choice. Want to join me?

Moving past the clutter

Last weIMG_2819ekend I was in the San Francisco Bay Area for the first module of iPEC’s Coaching Certification training.  An awesome weekend where I experienced a sense that what I was doing, learning, experiencing, was on track with my gifts, talents and the purpose God has for my life.  I came home on a high that lasted all week – gotta love that!

As I always do, I think a lot about life, even in the midst of my training.  Didn’t hurt that because we practiced coaching throughout the course, I felt like I was in therapy all weekend – I thought my brain would explode.  On Sunday morning, I left my hotel early for a walk along the Bay Bridge Trail which I’d discovered on Saturday, it’s my favorite way to start the day!  I love new adventures and I think it’s super cool to walk over the Bay.  I’ve done it on the Golden Gate Bridge, so the Bay Bridge was calling me.

I had about an hour and a half to walk so I could get back and ready in time for class.  No sweat (well, there was sweating), 6 miles-ish and that would certainly get me at least halfway across the bridge from where I started. One of the things I was excited about was walking on the new span of bridge that opened a couple years ago.  Off I went and after making my way through the maze under the freeway I was on the bridge.  If you don’t live around here, you may not know that after they opened the bridge, the next project was to take down the old bridge.  It’s a steel, ugly thing that now is cluttered with equipment used in deconstructing it.

So there I was, on the bridge, walking, walking, walking.  Seriously, when was I going to move past the old bridge and have an unobstructed view from the new span?  Cut to the chase, I didn’t. I ran out of time and had to turn back.

And that was ok.  But here’s what ran through my head.  My life is on a new the bridge, so to speak.  I finally feel like I’m on a path to live out my passion, my desire to help other people, to help them move their lives closer to where they want it to be.  Making choices instead of letting life just happen to me. But as I walk on that new path, the bright and shiny path, I’m not free from the clutter of my life thus far.  Granted, I’m making progress, a lot of it, but it’s still there.  Occurred to me that it’s like the Bay Bridge.  The new span is beautiful and you can walk on it, enjoy it, experience it, but at the same time, you have to deal with the deconstruction of the old span.  They’re making progress on it, just like I’m making progress in my own life, but it’s not gone yet, even in the midst of finding my purpose.

I’m going to get there, I know I am, but it can’t be rushed, it’s on its own time schedule, IMG_2822God’s time schedule.  Trying to move it any faster will just frustrate me, I don’t have control of the timing.  But unlike my walk on the bridge, I won’t turn around.  I’ve made a choice to move forward, and my clutter will be there for a while, truth is, even once I clear out the old stuff, more will appear.  That’s part of the deal and it’s ok.

I’d enourage anyone moving through change, and truthfully, isn’t that all of us in one way or another, to think about the bridge.  To not lose sight of the fact that you’re on the new span – celebrate the fact that you’re on the new span.  The old is still there, but you’re making progress.  It’s one step at a time, enjoy the walk.