Being brave…making our own choice

Owl in the tree - ShameI’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. Sounds grandiose but it’s not really. It’s more about how I want to play out my work life. The impact I want to have on people. Not a new path for my mind to take and one that has produced tremendous amounts of angst.

Make lists, pros and cons, mind map…yeah, done that. Different ways to search for the ideal solution. In the midst of the tornado swirl in my mind, a simple thought came to me the other day. As I wrestled to determine what I really feel, behind the scenes, I was wading past what I believed were other people’s expectations. Truths that weren’t mine, but that I’d made my own, or which I thought had to be my own.

As I thought more about it, I began to notice that there was another feeling coming up. It would flit in and out, not long enough to really grab hold of.

And it started to creep into other areas of my life. My voice, more specifically using my voice. Feeling I could speak my own thoughts, opinions, freely without retribution. That when I spoke, what I had to say would be respected, even if not agreed with. I realized that I sometimes refrain from using my voice when I believe it’s contrary to the opinion of those around me. I chose silence over my truth.

I had a chance to spend a long time meditating today, just letting thoughts float by. That’s when it hit me.

Shame.

Underneath my career angst/ inability to chart a path forward and choosing silence about my true thoughts was shame. And here’s how I knew. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of feeling guilty, of thinking that by saying or doing something I do the wrong thing. It’s that by what I did or said it would show I was a bad person. Not worthy, not enough, small.

And that’s not the truth.

Say, for example, I choose tomorrow to start a second phase in my work life. One where I coach full time and spend a great deal of time writing. Sounds glorious. However, I like my current role, and am quite connected to the people I work with. It’s a supporting environment where I have developed fulfilling relationships with the team. But if I chose to leave and recreate my work life, it would be just that. A decision. The work choices I may are not that black and white but whatever I do or don’t do, it’s a decision. And with a decision would come consequences. But the decision in and of itself doesn’t have the power to create shame.

I create shame, we create shame. Letting what I think other people believe about a decision, an opinion, a truth of mine hold me in a tight net of fear. Fear prompted by a desire to avoid shame. Brene Brown calls perfectionism a desire to avoid shame, blame or judgement. Fear of speaking or living your truth because of what others might think, of the judgement, the blame, the shame you might feel, it’s not healthy. It’s a form of perfectionism – not the good kind.

Thinking about the analysis paralysis some of us feel at times as a mechanism to avoid shame proved incredibly insightful for me. Fear of vulnerability? Maybe it’s avoidance of shame – that story in your head that you are a bad person.  Indecision, not moving life forward? Same. I believe I’ve unconsciously held myself on a steady, safe path to avoid the potential shame I might feel if I lived authentically. If I’d made decisions that might take me on a path I wanted but then questioned my choice. Or a path that others might disapprove of. But if they did, or if my path wasn’t what I thought, so what? Honestly, so what?

That’s where grace comes in. Grace instead of shame. Authenticity and self-compassion.

I believe with all my heart that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. The fear of feeling shame and the resulting reluctance to live an authentic life. What I know is that if we can get to the root and realize where the feelings come from, we can call them out, whether they are shame or something else. Lay them down and know that taking risks is brave. We can all use to be brave more often. That’s my truth – and I plan to speak and live it boldly.

About a Girl

I’ve RememberHer.jpgbeen thinking a lot lately about what it means to me, at 49, to be a woman…and it’s bringing up quite a few thoughts and stirrings in my heart.  I was born in 1967 which was around the same time the women’s movement was gaining a lot of steam in the United States.  The push was for equality.  Women should be seen as equal to men, just as able to succeed in business as men, earn as much as men… a lot of that sentiment has carried through my life. The women of the generation directly before me, my mother’s generation, were warriors for this cause. So wouldn’t it be natural for the daughters to follow?

And we did. We pushed ahead, we earned our own money, took care of our own needs. Many of us decided career first, then a husband – maybe, and then children – maybe.  Of the group of women I grew up with, several either chose not to have children or by the time their careers had shifted, so had their desires about having children.  For those of us who did get married and have children, we still succeeded at work, pushing to higher levels within our company so that we could be “equal,” with men. And we are…except, we’re not.

We’re not equal, but that’s what has been pushed on us.  That doesn’t mean that we can’t have the same types of jobs as men, because we can. But we have different expectations placed on us by society, and sometimes by ourselves.  We can work, but we also bear and take care of our children, take care of our homes, hold everything together for everyone else…but often don’t take care of ourselves.  I don’t say all this to whine, not at all.  I say it because, for me, I’m realizing that somewhere in the push to be equal and prove that I could succeed and be responsible, I forgot to be a woman.

I forgot about taking care of me.  I lost a good deal of my femininity. I had to be one of the boys, so where’s the room in that to be a girl? I don’t think we’re equal to men, because we are different.  That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be treated the same, but it’s being treated different because we’re women more than equal because we act like men. I want to reclaim that femininity! As I reach the cusp of 50, I’m ready to find that girl again. To take care of her, and, quite honestly, to be a little girly.  Maybe not all my girlfriends out there lost some of that feminine side, but I did, and I want it back.
If I haven’t chased you away by this post already, just think about it.  In your chase for equal did you lose some of the unique and beautiful aspects that make you a woman? You deserve to discover those parts, to let the world see those parts of you and to celebrate them.  We are women and we should do this together, come alongside each other and show support.  If you need a person, I’ll be right there with you. Be that girl again…

Take me on a date…

Here’s wTake me on a datehat I’m up against.  I was told that as part of the process of learning to love myself, learning what I really like and don’t like independent of what I “should” like or not like, of experiencing more of me, I should take myself on a date.  I’m sorry, what?  Yes, take yourself out, plan it as though you are planning a date with another person, except that you get to do everything you want, there’s no one else to weigh in, to consider.  Get dressed up…for yourself and go and enjoy.  Experience your surroundings, enjoy your time with you, treat yourself!

In theory
, that didn’t sound too bad. Play along with me for a minute though.  So if you’ve lived around people, yeah, just around people, and made decisions, they usually factor in what others want to do as well as what you want.  If you’re me, often those decisions defaulted to what the other person wanted to do, or defaulted to nothing out of mutual indecision or neither of you wanting to do what the other did – and tell me that’s not frustrating – soooo frustrating.  So the thought of coming up with a date with myself was a pretty big task.

I will say that going through this process has been interesting.  It’s made me think about what I like and don’t like. I like to be creative.  I like to feel pretty and shoes and clothes.  I like being outside. I like pushing my body. I like chips and ribs and sweet potato fries. As my date (which is coming up soon) gets closer, I’m going to keep being aware, just noticing things that make me happy (even my new notebook for work makes me happy, it’s gold with silver flowers. How often though do any one of us take time to think about what we really like? Isn’t that selfish? Well, not according to the counselling I’m getting, and it makes sense.  If you don’t understand or aren’t aware of what you really enjoy, how are you going to represent that in a relationship? You’d always be deferring, be pleasing, and your true self could get buried deeper inside you at the same time.

I’m not going to lie and tell you I have it all figured out, but here are a few things that come to mind. Going for a swim in the Bay, going for a long hike/walk (or half marathon), riding my bike – I see a theme, outdoors doing something.  But really that’s fun for me.  Then last weekend, I got girled up in my new running dress and shorts and felt…well I felt girly and I like
it! So there’s something about getting dressed up that’ll be part of my date with me, because it makes me feel pretty and makes me happy. But where would I go eat because there must be food? That one I don’t really know yet.

I think part of the learning in all this is that there’s a balance between protecting your interests and others, not that that’s anything new.  In order for any relationship to succeed, there’s got to be two whole people.  Not one who doesn’t express themselves, or another who is always taking from the other.  Eventually the one being taken from gets depleted and has nothing left to give. So I get it. Taking myself on a date is a chance for me to be with me.  To explore what I really like, experience what’s around me without distraction, notice what I feel and think in the midst of it. I’m still nervous about it, but it’s coming at me.  I’m going to be brave, and YES, I will go out with me!

 

What is pretty?

Pretty FlowerI’m a fairly girly-girl.  I like makeup, I like dresses and twirling, I like doing things to make myself feel pretty.  At the same time, I’ll live all day in my workout clothes, happy in my sneakers after a long morning walk, or after a ride or swim.  But given my choice? Girly-girl.  Even so, I don’t actually feel pretty.  Yes, outside things make me feel that way, but deep down, do I think I’m pretty?  Well the truth is, I skirt the subject and don’t really think about it.

I’ve read those self-affirmation posts, articles, etc. that talk about self-image and loving ourselves as we are.  Often, there are suggestions such as, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you,” or, “You are beautiful.”  The mere thought makes my stomach knot.  I don’t know why but it makes me horribly uncomfortable.  If I push enough towards the truth of it, it’s likely that I have a hard time feeling that way about myself, self-doubt, or the feeling that someone else should tell me.  So, it never really happens.

But this weekend, I did think about it.  It was interesting really, thinking more about being comfortable with who I am.  Happy with my life and the direction I’m heading. And it led me back to thinking about what it really is to be pretty.  I think most women, if they’re honest, want to be told they’re pretty, early on by their parents, then later by boyfriends and husbands. I’m coming to realize though that, although it might feel good to hear that, if I don’t really feel it on the inside, the words wash over me without really sinking in.

What I think is that being pretty is more about who I am than how I look.  I’ve got wrinkles and grey hairs you can see and scars and wounds on the inside you can’t.  But if I truly care about myself and take care of myself as I believe God has called me to do, I really owe it to myself to allow feelings of being pretty, of living like I am beautiful.  That, I think, is part of being a good steward of the gifts God has given me.  He’s given me the gift, the ability, to let His beauty shine through me. So really, it’s less about me being pretty, or beautiful, and more about the beauty that comes from within from God.

That’s the beauty I want to seek.  The comfort in my skin.  The glow that comes from contentment. The radiance that results from true happiness.  The confidence that I am exactly who I’m supposed to be, that taking care of myself is what I’m called to do and it’s ok.  Ok to be a girly-girl, to like makeup and dresses and twirling.  So maybe that look in the mirror should be to say I love you and you are beautiful…because God made me, and YOU, that way.  I, for one, want to let that part shine.