I’m presently in Truckee, California, which is a stunningly beautiful pocket of the state. It’s what the skiers call a ‘bluebird day.’ Bright, blue skies and fresh, clean air. Temps in the 30’s but surprisingly not cold. Perfect for being outside. As a bonus, the town is filled with quaint shops to meander. Meandering would count for being physically active, which the voice in my head is telling me to get off my butt and be.
Because…six weeks. The duration of my recovery from foot surgery to repair a torn tendon. Equate that to six weeks of sitting or limping short distances once I started wearing a walking boot two weeks ago. You would think that I would have ants in my pants to get out and about. I think I should be ready to engage in any activity except sitting. But I’m not feeling the urge. I’m feeling perfectly content chilling, reading, fussing online, being a homebody. There’s this voice in my head though, it’s berating me for not being physically active when I’m finally reaching the stage where I can – at least in moderation.
The voice will not shut up
That voice, I’d like to drop kick it across the snowy field in front of the house. Genuinely, it nags and hassles me, and I’ve come to recognize it as one of judgement. Judging me for not conforming to my programming. The programming that relates to whatever current situation I’m in.
The active programming started early. From the time I could control skis, my parents had me on them. I’d say that was around age 4. Skiing, or active outside every weekend. My recollection was that we were a family on the go. Which holds true today for the bulk of the fam. In motion from morning to night. It was programmed into me. It’s taken me years to realize that there are moments I’m in the groove for the action, because I do love to be outside, and I’m equally content to remain low key. Skipping it.
The voice required programming
But the voice. It resurrects the programming. Perhaps you have a voice of your own. Reminding you of your “shortcomings”, keeping your insecurities front and center. That one. The programming. When you get down to it, it’s your ego. And your ego would rather go down swinging than watch you fall short of external expectations. It is responsible for regulating your self-esteem and identity. I sometimes believe it has a mind of its own.
Oh, wait though, that mind is mine. Damn.
Get a hold of yourself!
Why did examining the judgmental voice lead to a blackhole of dissecting ego? It’s the realization of the strength of the internal, judgmental voice, and that it is the ego’s voice. I’m also noticing it because, for the past 6 weeks, purely coincidentally overlaying my recovery period, I’ve been enrolled in a course – Positive Intelligence. The focus is to recognize the internal judgmental voice in addition to its minions who join the internal volley of jabs. Once you recognize and stop the team working to sabotage you from within, you access your internal sage. You get a hold of your internal voice – your ego.
The truth is the ego formed within to protect you. The voice in your head? Its J O B was keeping you safe. Based on what you learned in your family about expectations. Mine learned to please, to perform because whether that was the actual expectation or not, it’s what I learned brought praise from the adults in my life. Those early learnings? They stick.
At some point, they take a twist and become the judgmental voice in our heads instead of keeping us safe. Perhaps under the guise of safety, but a deterrent to making choices that possibly, maybe, conflict with what worked under a child. But choose we must, with wisdom. With intuition learned and experience. That voice in our head? The ego voice? It’s not our friend. It is scared and preys on our insecurities. So that voice in my head telling me to get outside? She will need to accept that I’m in charge now and am parked on the couch. Happily. With my computer open and a novel nearby. And I’m surviving. I’m safe. The world has not ended because I’m not on the go.
What is your voice saying?
What does the voice in your head tell you? Pay attention. I’ll bet you the $10 bill I found on the ground during my brief foray out of the house today, for food, your voice is not wishing you rainbows and kittens. More likely is it’s reminding you of those insecurities. But you can choose not to listen. Tell it to get lost, ground yourself in the present and remember the wisdom inside you. It might feel daring, and brave, because it is. But it’s our life’s work and I’m in it with you. Be brave my friends. Lisa