I’ve often thought humans should come with a sign that clues in the other humans what’s going on with them on any given day. The person who cut you off in traffic. What if their sign said “…just found out my mom has cancer”? How would your response change to having to slow down and let him in? Or what about the woman at the grocery store who grabbed the exact avocado you were reaching for. What if her sign said “cooking” for my future in-laws tonight”? Would you have dagger eyes or perhaps give her your secret guacamole recipe? Knowing the backstory causes an internal shift within us.
My sign? I am under intense stress
Organizing, packing, playing Tetris with my boxes…it was all well and good until I got down to the wire. Funny thing, preparing to move cross-country…well…any move for that matter, is stressful, it is. Like, level 9 stress. One of the most stressful events in life, no joke. My brain is full of an inordinate number of details and lists. And at least once a day, panic attack.
As was the case on the final weekend. My adult children were on hand to help and I was BOSSY. Not even going to deny it. Bossy (or another B word, just keeping it honest). Seriously, not my finest moment. Though I didn’t have a sign around my neck, I verbally told them, warned them that I was in the stress zone and if I was bossy, I apologized in advance. They vacated the room and helped in their own ways. I’ve raised geniuses.
Enter curiosity
Return to the guy who cut you off. A few years ago, I began considering what other people were going through. Looking at them as, well, people. When someone cut me off in traffic, I became curious about what they were thinking about in that moment. I guarantee you it wasn’t me. Maybe it was their mom, or a fight with their spouse, or they were rushing to not be late for a job interview.
I created backstory, driven by curiosity around other people, and what was going on with them. Curiosity about someone else removes our focus on our number one thought…ourselves. So often, we consider other people’s actions as directed at us. It’s not. Ok, 99.9% of the time it’s not about us. When curiosity enters the equation, we look for additional information beyond what we see on the surface.
Curiosity drives us to look at another person’s humanity.
And empathy
Empathy is different than sympathy. In Lisa’s definition…sympathy is I feel sorry for you and empathy is I feel sorry with you. Curiosity leads us to understand where people are coming from and a natural side effect of getting close is empathy. We sit with someone. We can see their pain, let them know they’re not alone. As Brené Brown says, “get closer. It’s hard to hate people close up.” Yep. That’s the truth of it. When we see people where they are, we can practice empathy.
But we don’t have signs
Maybe you carry a sign around your neck, but I’m not in that camp. But if we’re observant, we can see other signs that tell us what people are going through. I thought about that today, driving down I40 through Arizona and New Mexico. The packing is over, but I’m smack in the middle of the move. So many signs to read, on the side of the road and with people. The fellow traveler with their car packed to the gills like mine. Is she moving cross country? Or the family with bags crammed in the back. Returning from spring break?
With the people who are close to you, try noticing their signs. Does your spouse get quiet under stress, or maybe overly talkative? When your kids are sulking, could they be struggling in one of their classes? Consider sharing your signs with those close to you so that you can support each other. Because at the end of the day, we need one another. So…what’s on your sign? Today mine will say I’m Brave. We’re on the journey together friends. Lisa