Paying attention to yourself is a learned skill. Truth is, it’s easier to listen to the people around me instead of what my heart is whispering, or my body is telling me. I’m a pro at following external advice. I’ve been known to seek it out. Except, it can become a never-ending cycle of trying this or that while the chasm inside seeks the true answer. At the same time, our body and mind tap at us to pay attention. It reminds me of my little brother’s game of ‘aggravate my big sister’ when we were young. Once bigger than me, he’d pin me on the floor and sit on my chest while tap, tap, tapping on my chest. Hey, hey, hey, hey…until I relented. That’s how our bodies gain our attention, until we have no choice. For me? The tap, tap, tapping has become too much and I’m entering a new phase of paying attention.
I’m angsty
I had someone recently describe me as ‘cool,’ and not in a good way. They’d come up behind me to say hello and my response was halting. A mutual friend explained that’s just how I am. Ugh…and true. Though effusive and friendly to people who are friends, I’ve also been told I appear serious. Probably because I am. So much rattles around in my mind and the exterior result is a mask of non-emotion, aka cool.
But lately, I’ve legit been feeling angsty because the volume of ideas, passions, projects, tasks, and on and on never end. Never. It’s one long list. And the other day, during one of my meditation times while mesmerized by the black line running the length of the pool, it occurred to me that I had a pattern of putting myself in situations that replayed stressful feelings within me. Forced to pay attention because it was me, my mind and the water, I a) realized I wasn’t smart enough to figure that out in the moment, b) my body, intuition, the divine within…was nudging me to consider the facts, and c) to consider if I was doing it again with the volume of things I piled onto my internal to do list.
Talk it out
Do you ever find that you solve your own problem when you simply talk through it out loud? On more occasions than I’d like to admit, I’ve called the Help Desk at work, imploring them for assistance, only to solve the issue by explaining it to the poor person on the other end of the call. Same was the case during a coffee date with a friend yesterday. As I shared my angsty pool realization, the act of verbalizing it clicked the pieces together.
The angsty space I was in was one I knew how to operate in. I know how to manage scarcity, stress, sadness. I’m reading Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine in which he explores the somatic side of trauma. Throughout the book, there are activities and in one set, there are three scenarios. The task is to notice your body’s response as you mentally put yourself in each situation. There was a car crash, witnessing someone having a medical emergency, and a personal breakup. I expertly navigate the first two, mentally jumping into go mode, ready to take charge and deal with all the stuff. But the third. That’s when my gut gets involved. It’s matters within me that stick around, take up residence and invite friends for the ‘let’s watch her suffer through this one’ show. It’s a space I’m accustomed to. Not a pleasant one but familiar, nonetheless.
Ugh…hard choices
This space, angsty, whether I would have called it that or not, is traceable, back to early childhood. It’s the stuff the Enneagram is based on. The mechanisms we develop in early childhood to keep ourselves safe. The emotion wasn’t the way, it was the internal response. But back to paying attention. If we want to break our internal patterns, it doesn’t happen overnight, we must make choices. Part of which can be letting go…of the thing that has become the extra puzzle piece.
I started writing this blog 5 years ago and, missing only one, have written every single week since. I’ve loved most moments of it. It’s been external digestion of my internal life, which, not surprisingly, includes themes we all share. But (and it’s a big but), remember those passions, ideas, projects I mentioned? One of them is to write a book. Another is to continue digging in to let go of internal patterns. After an appropriate amount of angst-ing about it, I’ve decided to stop my weekly blog. You’ll continue to hear from me, but perhaps monthly. Yes, monthly, let’s try that. That journey we’re all on, it has turns, and doing our work, occasionally means putting something we love to the side. I hope you’ll keep walking out your journey and consider if there’s something you need to put to the side to focus on the next big thing. I’m with you every step. Sending so much love and gratitude. Lisa