Category: Authenticity

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Everyday Courage

Courage - Mark TwainWhen I think about courage, I’m reminded of the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.  In the years after the movie debuted, there was discussion that the Lion, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man were each a sliver of Dorothy that she needed to discover. The lion was “granted courage” but he had it inside of him the entire time.

And so do I. So do you. The trouble is that we forget. Or, we tell ourselves that we don’t have courage. We see it as rarely attainable. We compare ourselves to other people, and whenever we start comparing, it’s a downward spiral. If you look up courage, here’s what you’ll find: courage is mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. When was the last time you persevered? Faced fear? That’s courage.

Reflection on the times we’ve had courage isn’t something we routinely do, at least not something I do. For me, reflection is a walk down the trail of tears. The ways that I’ve failed, disappointed, fallen short. My ability to go down that path is remarkable, and my tendency is to hold myself responsible for all the ills in my life.

What I do not do is look back and acknowledge the ways that I’ve been courageous. That I’ve persevered.  Acknowledging what’s been accomplished in spite of challenges. In fact, I feel slightly paralyzed whenever I’m asked about those times. I tend to minimize them in my mind. I brush past other people’s comments about them.

Courage doesn’t have to be an action that is heroic. We get confused about that sometimes. The “use it in a sentence,” part of our brain thinks that courage is not attained by the ordinary person. But I’d disagree. Courage is an individual act, but while it does impact us individual, impact our hearts, it also impacts other people.

Courage is having a hard conversation with someone you love.

Courage is admitting when you were wrong.

Courage is continuing to show up every day when you have chronic pain.

Courage is reaching out to a friend who has hurt you…or whom you’ve hurt.

Courage is continuing to try and have a baby after suffering loss.

Courage is coming along side a friend in need and simply sitting, listening, loving.

I believe courage is within each of us. Appreciating yourself in and of itself could be an act of courage. You might be conditioned, like I’ve done to myself, to brush past it. But you work your butt off every single day to show up well. To do a good job, to engage well in your relationships, to accomplish your goals. You’ve persevered through tough times, that’s courage. You’ve had hard conversations, that’s courage. You show up, day after day, and keep going even when you’d rather curl up in bed, that’s courage.

What can you do today to remember that you’re not the Cowardly Lion? That you have courage within you, even if you’ve forgotten about it, it’s there. It’s been with you throughout life. Today, think about those times and use it as a source of strength. You are strong, you are courageous, you are brave.

 

 

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On Becoming Resilient

IMG_6517There’s a famous scene in the movie “Moonstruck,” with Cher and Nicholas Cage where Cage’s character, Ronny, tells Loretta (Cher) that he loves her. She responds with a couple slaps across the face and says, “snap out of it!” Cher won an Oscar for that role and the scene became iconic.

Wouldn’t it be great if, in the midst of struggle, we actually could simply “snap out of it?” But too often, life doesn’t work that way. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit and it seems to me that one component of this equation is the degree to which we are resilient. We may want to say we’re resilient but is that what we’re practicing? While I’d like to think that resilience comes naturally, I don’t know that it does for all of us.

Start with the idea that we’re all wired differently. We have our normal way of being, a set point, to start with. If you think about it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being low and 10 being the Everything is AWESOME song from the Lego movie, each of us has a point which is “normal” for us. I might be a 6, you might be a 9, the guy sitting next to you might be a 3. No right, no wrong, normal for each of us. That point is the way you look at life, your approach. It’s the half full half empty idea.

At some point in our lives, we will face disappointment, or setback, and it’s in those moments that our resilience is tested. In context of our “set point,” we think about how far you’re knocked off course when difficulties in life arise. Do you go from an 8 to a 1 or from an 8 to a 5? Again, no right or wrong, just our natural wiring. The more we’re knocked off course, the greater effort it is to “snap out of it,” and get back to your status quo.

Resilience is something we can build, it’s a skill. It’s the ability to tackle adversity and have the strength to move through problems instead of parking on them. You can change the length of time it takes to rebound after a challenge, return to your set point. But when you’re in the middle of the tornado is not the time to focus on improving your resiliency. The time is when you’re not feeling like Dorothy, lost in Oz.

I consider myself a resilient person. I had challenges as a child and learned to adapt, maybe partially as a survival skill, but adapted nonetheless. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that when I’m under stress in general, I am less resilient. When I’m balancing 5 plates on each arm, back to my days waiting tables, all it takes is a small blip to throw me off course. But that’s not always the case. When life is humming along, challenges slide off like water on a duck.

In order to increase resilience, we need practice, and I’d hazard a guess that life is constantly giving us situations to practice. The time to try on resilience is not in the middle of a tornado, it’s in the everyday situations that come up in life. The small hurdles. Start by overcoming the small things…changed plans…a difficult conversation…a disappointment…before tackling the big stuff. Reframe. If you believe a situation is apocalyptic – you’ll approach it like that and your mental game might start swimming. It’s only a change, just a conversation, it’s not cataclysmic. You can mediate, practice mindfulness, be compassionate with yourself.

When we practice resilience, you won’t necessarily “snap out of it,” but you can minimize the degree to which you’re thrown off course. Increase the speed at which you’re back on track. Swirling in a negative perception of your life doesn’t move you towards the life that’s available for you to live, if you choose it. Honestly, I have to make these choices every day, and it’s not always easy. But worth it. Being brave is always worth it because let our authentic self shine in those moments. Be brave friends, be kind to yourself, and keep going.

 

 

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Steps Forward

Path ChoicesThink about a situation where you’ve felt as though you needed to take a step off the path you were on. Where you knew that you knew you were supposed to be walking down another path. Or, maybe it was that you felt called to do something in addition to what was currently in your life.

I’ve been there.

For the last couple years, I’ve been in that swirl. I’d make newborn (not even baby) steps in the direction I wanted to go and then, whoa, whoa, whoa, that seems scary, that seems uncertain. Stop. Because the truth of what I knew I wanted to do, what I believe God is calling me to do, was still out there, I continued to feel unsettled. Too scared to move forward, but discontent with my current circumstance.

Sound familiar? The unknown can evoke a great deal of fear. Where does that fear come from? We make it up. We create a story in our minds, maybe based on past experiences, or what we’ve seen happen around us, but it’s completely contrived by us. We have limiting beliefs – maybe from situations in the past, or from what we’ve been told by others – that hold us back. It’s hard to press against those with the reminder that they may not be future predictors. We let our limiting beliefs call the shots. When we do, we get what we always got. We do what we’ve always done. A white picketed safe version of life.

Or, we can get curious. In my couple years of taking tiny steps, they’ve started to add up to actual steps. I’ve gotten curious about my own beliefs, the limitations I place on myself, the fears I wrestle with. Getting curious about the, dare I speak it, control I have to let go of in order to live my authentic life. To lean into my desires and passions, the calling God has placed on my heart. And I’ve started noticing a few things.

Opportunities have begun to show up. From the most unexpected sources. That are aligned with my values and direction I’m heading.  And I feel like I’m not working hard for it. In reality I have worked hard for it, via my life’s experiences and the work I’ve done thus far.

One opportunity might lead to another, and another. Perhaps down a straight path, but knowing me, probably not, I have an affinity for crooked paths. I’ve realized that taking tiny steps, but taking them consistently, can add up to the change you want. It might take longer than you’d like, but you’ll get there, and the closer you get, the bigger steps you might be willing to take. I am. I’m intentionally putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Ones where I know I’m on the right path but it pushes up against my edges. That’s ok.

I don’t know what kind of path you’re on, the journey you’re taking, but stay curious. Continue to wonder what today has to do with that thing you did yesterday, with the thing you’re going to do tomorrow. Live into your authenticity, your strength. I know you can take the brave steps, at your own pace. Keep taking them. That dream your working towards, it’s waiting.

 

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Thoughts on being content

peace with contentmentContentment is a topic that comes up frequently in conversations around me. To be content with what we have. It’s one of the themes found throughout the Bible. Being satisfied with what we have, who we are, and where we’re going. “…I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation…through him who gives me strength” Phil 4:12-13  In my own estimation, being content is a sister to mindfulness which is a state of active, open attention on the present.

Over the last couple years, I’ve spent a great deal of time learning about and practicing mindfulness. At the same time, I’ve been diving into learning about human behavior. I’ve become a student of Brene Brown, learned behavior tools – DISC and the Enneagram (and dabbled with others) – become a coach, listen to a wide range of podcasts that probe this topic, and read, read, read. Honestly, much of what I’m learning, I can apply to my own life, and do.

And I love it. Love learning new concepts about human behavior, how to apply it in my relationships and in my own life. Yet, I wonder sometimes if I’m not being content.

My immediate response would be that I’m content, but that I’m growing, and that’s normal. I went to the dictionary to break down contentment and here’s what I found: defined it’s: a state of happiness and satisfaction. A mental or emotional state or satisfaction maybe drawn from being at ease in one’s situation, body and mind. To be free from care because of satisfaction with is already one’s own. That seems to simple. I am content with my surroundings, generally, with some of the aspects of my life, but believe that I’m “not there yet.” Life is not perfect, I am most certainly not perfect (and never will be), and I am continuing to evolve.

I suspect part of my challenge with the idea of contentment is that it feels like complacency. I’ve gone back to the dictionary to ensure I was understanding that term accurately. Complacency: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. Satisfaction with yourself. A feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like. Complacency feels like sticking my head in the sand.

It’s the tension between contentment and complacency that plays out in my mind. How to balance the two so that I’m not constantly seeking, but am content, while at the same time not being complacent. That said, I know that if you look hard enough, or maybe not even that hard at all, you will find areas of your life where you can improve. But I think there’s a different between circling that drain and honestly looking for areas where you want life to be different. Where you want to engage with life, in relationships, differently.

When I ask myself if I am content, I would say yes. Certainly, yes with belongings, with my general circumstances. But I’m still a work in progress, aren’t we all? There are passions I’m still pursuing, ways that I want to engage with life that I continue to work on. It doesn’t come from a place of dissatisfaction, but rather a place of curiosity. My authentic self is coming out slowly, but it takes curiosity to see the places someone else’s definition of how my life should be is what guided me.

Back to contentment. Yes, I’m content. Yes, I’m curious. There is room for both. What there is not room for is complacency. Life’s changing too quickly for that. Authenticity requires the curiosity. Peace comes from contentment.  I hope you find both in your life today my brave friends.

 

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Prioritize what you value

prioritizeIf you’ve read my blog, you’ve probably picked up that responsibility may as well be my middle name. When I take on a project, I stay all in, even if it begins to crush me. As a young mother, one year I decided that I would make the kid’s Valentine’s Day cards. Homemade cards seemed cool and these were 3D, sort of, and exceptionally unique. I have two sons, and each had 20 kids in their class. They were in Preschool. The project took me 40 hours – literally, after work each night for weeks. For emphasis…they were in Preschool. Most likely those cards ended up in the trash within a couple of days, if they made it home at all.

But I finished all of them. Not quitting when I realized the absurdity of the entire project. Were the cards beyond cool? Yes. Will I ever get back those 40 hours? No. Did the kids care about the cards? No. I made them because it started out as a fun creative project, and, maybe, I wanted to impress the other mom’s.

While that project was ill hatched, I still make cards. They’re different now, painted expressions of caring for others. My husband is the primary beneficiary, but if you’re in my life and it’s your birthday, don’t be surprised to get one.

Today I create because I love it, it restores a part of me that doesn’t get to come out and play in my normal day to day. I also write because I love it. I find it to be like restorative therapy, and I want more time for it. Over the last couple of years, as I’ve explored the creative, empathic side of myself, I’ve found a variety of areas I want to explore. Hence, becoming a coach, working to expand that, leaning into that side of myself and seeing what else is out there in that realm.

Which sends me down another path. And, and, and…

I recently attended the Superwoman Summit in Portland. It was an event for women with sessions designed to encourage us to lead others, lead ourselves and make a difference in bigger, bolder, more authentic ways.  One of the sessions I attended was titled, “You can’t have it all: prioritizing what matters.” The speaker, Erin Muntzert – a qualitative researcher at Google – presented a process for prioritizing focused on values. What I loved about her talk was that she emphasized that when you reach peak complexity, it’s time to simplify. The complexity described my experience in having a wide range of interests and resulting rabbit trails. While all incredibly interesting and worth exploring, it’s literally impossible to follow all of them well. That’s the key. I can go down any rabbit trail I want but can I do it well?

I find that when I try to stay engaged in a wide variety of interests, I can’t do any of them well. I put forth a diluted version of myself. Which doesn’t serve me well. If I cull my activities to be in alignment with my values, what would that look like? It doesn’t mean I have to abandon all other interests, but it allows time for what’s most compelling, and that which allows me to be engaged in areas that are most important. When we let go of distractions, rabbit trails, we make space for what needs to be there. The same could be true of people in our life. We can spend time with those who are supposed to be there rather than trying to be everything, for everyone.

Instead of looking at the areas in our life we choose to set aside, what if we focus on the space it opens for what is most important? Space to be a truer reflection of our authentic, brave self. Along with me, will you spend time looking at your values, and how you’re making space to pursue activities that enrich, not detract, from living out your values? Create your priorities around your values and know that it’s ok to prune areas that take you off course. Really, you don’t have to stay over committed. I promise. You’ll feel fulfilled with less, because it’ll be what’s supposed to be there.

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Give Yourself Permission

PermissionIn the last month, I’ve attended two separate conferences that spoke to the idea of permission slips. I think I’d better pay attention. Admittedly, I was the kid who followed the rules growing up. If my parents didn’t give the nod, I was a no go. Likely bitter in a little kid way, but compliant. I was not the kid who forged notes at school. Although, and this is a true story, my mom taught me how to forge her name, just in case I needed it. I mastered it quickly, particularly since she writes textbook cursive. I have no recollection of ever taking advantage of that skill though, since I would likely be bending a rule to do so.

If you’re not already getting the picture, let me paint it clearly. I am responsible. To this day, responsibility – even perceived responsibility – comes first. Over the last few years, I’ve worked on breaking that trend, but it’s a tricky one. The voices in my head have a party every time I try. They taunt me, mock me, tell me things that aren’t true. Mainly around performance driven worth.

Did that make you squirm in your seat? Performance driven worth is a myth. We perform, perform, perform, but that doesn’t make us any worthier. Particularly as a Christian, I get my worth from God. It’s plain and simple. Your worth doesn’t come from what you do, it comes from who you are.

The drive to be responsible and forego fun, relaxation, self-care? It’s ridiculous.

That’s why the idea of permission slips is incredibly appealing to me. Think about it. A permission slip is like a get out of jail free card. It’s me telling me that whatever it is I’m giving myself permission to do, or want, or believe, is ok. Now, I know it sounds a little “Woo Woo”, maybe even silly, but stay with me. Imagine that thing you wanted to do with all your heart when you were young. Maybe a trip you wanted to take on winter break from school. But there were other pressures, work, family, all talking louder in your head. True story, I took this trip, but got permission from my Dad, and folks, I was an adult – a college age adult – but an adult nonetheless.

As an adult, particularly at this stage in life, shouldn’t it be me who is giving myself permission. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t asked my Dad in years. But I’ll be honest, the voices I hear in my head as I contemplate taking one action or another, are they mine or someone else’s? Sometimes it’s a repeating tape that I’m sure my parents didn’t record, and would probably laugh at, but I internalized as true.

What permission slip would you want to write yourself? I think mine would go something like this…

Dear Lisa, this is your permission slip to live a bold life. You can have your own thoughts, your own beliefs. You have permission to make mistakes, the world will not end. You have permission to dream, what have you been waiting for anyways? While you’re at it, you not only have permission, but I am telling you – replace those crappy floors in your house, and the bathroom. You’re waiting for circumstances to be perfect, but they never will be. And take a nap! The world won’t pass you by. You spend a lot of time thinking and I give you permission to simply BE. Be, and love, and experience all that is your life. Your authentic self is chomping at the bit to move forward. Take her lead, take risks, you have my permission.

What would your permission slip look like? Would it be to live boldly, to finally forgive a loved one who hurt you, to take a well-deserved break in your life? You don’t need permission for any of it because you know yourself better than anyone. You know what it would look like to live your best life. Yet, the permission slip helps. Even when it’s from yourself. Try it. Be brave. Then get ready for what will show up in your life!

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I have questions

church in portlandDear God, It’s me, Lisa.

I have a lot of questions, and I often wish that I could ask God the questions that linger in my mind. Those matters of the heart I don’t understand, social injustice issues, why my heart hurts so much at times it’s palpable. Why people are mean to each other, at a fundamental level, which really boils down to why are we so inclined to be up in each other’s business. Why it can be so difficult for us to appreciate people as they are and love them. I’d also want to know how my family is doing. Those who are hanging out in Heaven. Is my Nana dancing to Frank Sinatra? I hope the answer would be yes. And could I also ask what the deal is with Brazil nuts? What was the point with creating those?

There are ways I can look for answers to my many questions. I have prayer. Sometimes I feel I get answers but others I don’t. So, I live in a space of trusting, believing. That’s what faith is about for me. Trusting in what I cannot see. I also have the Bible, which I regularly read and seek to understand, but I’m not one to push the Bible in your face or ask “do you know where you’re going when you die?” Honestly? I know that’s one that some Christians love to lead with. For me? Straight up turn off.

And since I’m putting it out there, I wrestle at times to understand what I’m supposed to do in life, like anyone does. I know I don’t have to figure it all out, that I can rely on God for that. But I still try sometimes. That feels normal. Any one of us wrestles, whether it be about why life can be hard lying awake at 3 a.m. or how to understand areas of the Bible that just don’t make sense to me, in today’s times. I am a woman, I’ve cut my hair, I’m still fairly certain that doesn’t condemn me in the end. And I like bacon. I eat it on occasion and have no plans to quit.

I was thinking about all of these matters the other day and was reminded of some of the ridiculous schemes I carried out in my younger years. Plans in my early 20’s I thought were brilliant that more accurately looked like a train about to run off the tracks. But I also look at the context. What was happening at the time. My age, my life experiences to date, what was going on around me, the social context, what was happening in the world – the challenges we faced. All that impacted what was important to me. Those factors impact anyone, at any time, including today. Looking back with the lens I have today is like comparing apples to a watermelon.

That’s where some of my questions come in. If the context and what was going on 30 years ago is so vastly different than now, what would it have been like thousands of years ago when the Bible was written? Different. Looking at it with the lens of today isn’t just apples to a watermelon, it’s apples to, say, a boulder. And that’s where I have questions. Those things are worthy of having conversations around. What is not helpful is to sit around judging each other. That’s not my job, and really, who am I to judge? All that does is create walls and I’d rather look for ways to break those down. The authentic pieces of me are continually being shaped and formed and asking questions to understand is part of that. To bring out and completely understand what I believe, because at the end of the day, my faith is my own. No one else’s. I am responsible for it.

At the end of the day, I have found answers and at the same time, I still have questions. But I know this. Jesus said to love him and love one another. Period. Not if they abstained from bacon or were perfect (none of us have that claim to fame), but simply love each other.

I can do that. No questions asked.

 

 

 

 

 

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Honor the peace in your heart

lordbyron1I am an Enneagram Nine. If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, a rudimentary explanation would be that it is a personality typing system that “types” people based on one of nine roles they usually play. It’s far more complex and layered than that, but that’s the “in a nutshell” version.

The Nine is a Peacemaker, they seek reconciliation. That is me. I have played out much of my life with an aversion to conflict. I physically feel conflict in my body, it is not my desired state. I think back to my poor children. If there was any looming conflict between us, I’d want to talk it through, so we could be done with it an move on. 15-year-old boys don’t want to talk it through with their mom. I was relentless.

Tell me what’s wrong… Tell me what’s wrong…Tell me what’s wrong…

Eventually they’d say, we’d talk it through, done. Moving on.

But I recognize that averting conflict or addressing and moving on isn’t always possible. Truthfully, it’s not always appropriate. Conflict doesn’t have to be difficult, but as a Nine, it doesn’t come easy for me.

The Peacemaker in me explains my historical tendency to “go along to get along.” I know there have been times when I have chosen not to engage because the desire to keep the peace was stronger.

I also recognize that there is an inner voice telling me not to make waves. The voice that also tells me if I speak up I might be disliked or cast aside. I might not belong if I make waves. That’s my inner gremlin – trying to keep me “safe,” but in reality, it only keeps me small.

We all have that voice. What it tells us may be different, but it picks away at your confidence, your strength. You are not enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not brave enough, no one cares what you have to say. It tears you down and keeps you small.

Not fully stepping into the life God gave each of us to live. Because of what? Because we’re afraid that we won’t be loved if we live as our true self?

What I know is that staying small isn’t the plan. It’s not my purpose. And it’s not any of our plans. Because each of us has something important to say. We are not meant to stay small.

We can hear that voice and instead of going along, we can choose to say thank you. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I am stronger, I am enough, and what you’re saying isn’t true.

Not staying small unnerves Peacemaker self. Not playing small means using my voice, not just in words on a page, but verbally, to say what’s on my mind, what I believe. It means stepping out of get along rut I can fall into and instead, take a different path. It could mean conflict. But there comes a point where staying small, going along to get along, is corrosive to our soul.

Walking out the full story that God planned for me means speaking up. It doesn’t mean picking a fight, that thought makes me want to go running. It means not staying silent. I know there are many people who feel that way today. They have something to say. We’re all on our own journey, but I believe playing small, keeping the peace for the sake of it is not part of any of our plans. Authenticity is my theme this year. And authenticity isn’t a re-creation of yourself, it’s acting in line with what’s in our hearts. You have it in you. Walk out life with courage, moving forward despite the fear. You are brave.

 

 

 

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Creativity, Clarity and Being Brave

Fearless CreativityHave you ever attended a workshop, a conference, a seminar where you left feeling shift within you? That’s what I experienced last week. I went to gorgeous 1440 Multiversity in Scotts Valley, California for the Brave Magic workshop. I’m not sure ‘workshop’ accurately describes the soul searching emotional smack down that the 600 people who attended went through. There was that, and, oh yeah, there was writing.

The writing part is what I anticipated, what I thought I’d signed up for. Cheryl Strayed and Elizabeth Gilbert were the leaders and wove us through a series of letter writing exercises to, from my perspective, allow us to dive deeply into our own hearts so that we could gain clarity and focus moving forward in our own creative process. Because, as Cheryl has said, “anyone can write a letter.”

Mission accomplished.

I’m still not quite sure the emotional hangover has ended, and I’m ok with that because I continue to think about the work I did. Using the creative process to speak truth to myself tapped into my passions. The part of me that feels light, and clear, and joyful.

I want to talk more about gaining clarity. A happy outcome of last week. It can be so hard in our culture because life screams at us from all sides. We’re “supposed to” be doing XYZ or believing XYZ. Other people dictate what is important in our lives and if we’re not careful we can go along like ants in a line, marching to satisfy someone else’s mission. When we break away from the line, our people often try and pull us back. They remind us that life they way they’ve designed it works perfectly and it’s safe. And it may…for them.

At some point it’s healthy to sort through how we want to engage with life. To review the landscape in front of us and go through a process of determining which parts we align with, and for those where we are different, what exactly is does that mean? If you determine you are led down a different path than the one you always thought you’d be on – mainly because you hadn’t thought much about it – you may find that life feels uncertain for a period.

And that’s where spending time gaining clarity comes into play. Your clarity is that inner voice, the one you can trust that says “this is what I want.” It’s not the voice of your “inner terrible someone,” ITS as Cheryl Strayed described it. The ITS wants to keep you safe instead of paying attention to clarity. I know that following and trusting clarity is where the magic is. Clarity shuts down the inner chatter related to your growth, because the ITS is speaking from fear.

Instead of staying in a space of fear, when you have clarity, choose to engage. To fully engage in what you know to be true, that’s the point where you will feel alive. I believe that as you gain clarity and realize you are not engaging in life according to who you now know yourself to be, you can feel like you’re selling yourself short. Betraying your true self. I know I do. Continuing to interact with life instead of engaging my clarity causes a plethora of frustrations and results in operating from a place of doubt and weakness instead of strength.

I walked away from last weekend with more than words could describe, and you may find slivers of it as I write over the next few weeks. Besides the warm embrace and comfort that comes from being surrounded by close to 600 women (honestly, were there a dozen men there? To say that is a stretch), I gained raw, unfiltered clarity. I know that I know the direction I’m headed. The bold life that God wants me to lead. He’s set me up for it. I choose to walk on that path. And I think it will look different, but I will choose embrace what’s to come even if it makes me uncomfortable.

Clarity isn’t a departure from who I am, it’s finding my true authentic self and letting that girl out to play. Brave Magic may not have been what I anticipated, but it was exactly what I need.

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What squeaks can tell you

Squeaky meMy foot squeaks. I noticed it, not for the first time, yesterday in a Tai Chi class. Lest you think I’m a regular on the Tai Chi front, let me preface. I’m currently at a workshop at 1140 Multiversity, which is, to put it mildly, transforming! As part of the weekend, there is also a vast assortment meditation, yoga, tai chi, sound healing, dance…I could go on… available. Why would I want to miss any of that? I’m up for trying new things and Tai Chi has been something I’d been curious about.

The studios at 1440 are beautifully designed with clean wood floors and an inviting atmosphere. They are also quiet. Extremely quiet. The campus is in the middle of the woods outside of Santa Cruz. After lunch I headed to the class with a stranger – no longer a stranger – who I’d become friends with in one of the morning sessions. As we started class, I heard it. The rubber of my prosthetic foot squeaking against the floor.

Awesome.

If I’m honest, I don’t know that anyone else heard it. But I did. Louder than ever. It’s one of the hazards of having a foot that is constructed of fiberglass and rubber. It squeaks every time I walk right now because the foot shell rubs against the main part of the leg.

When it started squeaking in class yesterday, I felt a familiar rise of heat in my chest. Embarrassment. I could blame it on being a hot flash, but I’m pretty sure it was that feeling of being an oddity, of standing out, of unwanted attention being drawn to me.

If you were to ask me about my leg today, my first response would likely be that “it’s no big deal.” Well, that’s partially true. It is a big deal in that I work diligently for it to not be. I don’t want to draw attention to it. Squeaking goes against that.  For a few years in school, with kids I’d known my whole life, I tried embracing the “uniqueness” it created in me. I would use it as a prop. Apparently, my strategy was to use laughter to deflect from how I was feeling. Let’s remember, it was high school. Is there anyone who didn’t feel awkward during that time?

We had an hour bus ride and a driver who loved to tell us to keep our feet out of the aisle. One day, we took my foot off and put it in the aisle. It stands by itself, and there it was, standing in the aisle. We saw him look in the mirror and then look away, he had nothing to say. Well, probably in his mind he mumbled something like, “Damn kids…” As an adult I can say, yep, that sounds about right. We got a great laugh out of that one. I let a friend I’d gone to high school with and then college take one of the old ones and keep it in his dorm window – maybe that was in the leg lamp era. High school is so difficult, I could offer all kinds of hypothesis on why we used the leg for our amusement.

I’m a lot of years past that now. And it’s no longer a prop. The unwanted attention from having something that is “less than” causes a sense of shame. That’s where that heat rises from. And although it comes up frequently, I have chosen, and will continue to choose, to keep plowing ahead. That’s the thing about any challenge in our life, we may feel shame or less than, but we can change our narrative.

I’ve chosen to bring the challenge along for the ride. To hear the squeak in the silence and do it anyways. I wrestle with the feelings, but I also know that every single one of us has a thing. A quality or aspect of themselves that they wish was different. It’s a collective struggle. Remember that. I know that to the degree I’ve struggled, the person sitting next to me has too. I believe that makes us relatable. And when we admit and embrace the challenges together, we’re stronger.

The class I’m in at 1440 is Brave Magic with Elizabeth Gilbert and Cheryl Strayed. There have been a million moments of wisdom during this weekend, but one that speaks to me in this moment is about fear. Whether we like it or not, fear is always with us, but we don’t have to let it drive. We can choose to fight it or choose to be curious about it and understand that it’s part of us but keep going anyways. That’s been my choice. My foot is “no big deal,” but it is a big deal, it’s that I choose to keep going. To manage that fear of being different.  I’m not letting the fear drive.

It would be inauthentic to say fear isn’t part of my equation or yours, I suspect. How can you look at it differently today? Get curious about what it’s trying to tell you. Everyone of us can be brave and do it, whatever it is, anyways. What do you need to thank fear for showing you? After you thank fear…keep going. You are brave.