Category: Be Brave

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Why exhaustion is NOT a status symbol

Looking forward to adulthood, I was chomping at the bit to recreate a nightly cocktail hour. As a child, I watched my parents partake and it appeared so debonair, so sheikh. A symbolic way to shake off the exhaustion of the workday. Proud of ourselves for another day and looking for a reward. For a time, I found my groove with a glass of wine after work. Admittedly, I enjoyed a great glass of wine with friends of family, particularly sitting near water or outside.

 

I’d say it was 7ish years ago – and by this time, no more frequent than during the weekend – when I noticed that after a glass of wine or two, a headache quickly emerged. As in, before I was done with my wine. Shortly thereafter, a naturopathic doctor advised me to try eliminating alcohol from my diet, along with sugar, dairy and a host of other foods. I recall driving home from that appointment feeling as though basically I’d been told to stop eating food.

 

When I tried a sip of wine a few months later, the result was disastrous. And since that time, my ability to consume alcohol in any form (and by any form, I mean any form, in food or otherwise), I immediately feel the headache and nausea arise. They will be my companion for at least a week. No exaggeration.

 

I finally got smart…a month ago… and went to a neurologist after having a headache from half a gluten free cookie. The culprit was vanilla extract (cue the doomsday music now). Turns out, the doctor told me, the headaches are migraines. For seven years I’ve sucked it up and suffered through the week-long, decently severe, headaches each time I inadvertently ate something with alcohol.

 

I’m smart now. Neurologist. Big deal, he gave me the 411, some meds, and I thought I was set. I was not.

Exhaustion becomes our pattern

 

Yesterday, when I woke up with pressure behind my eyes and throbbing in my temples, I was confused. I hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary. I experienced despair because I was following the rules. But what I hadn’t factored in was when my doctor switched me to a different medication, there was a transition period. Cue migraine.

 

You’re probably imagining I laid on the couch all day, in the quiet, not using my brain – since that only makes it hurt worse. You would be wrong. In fact, I worked all day. Not ‘phoned it in,’ worked. Instead, I had a fairly intense day, migraine be damned. As I write this, still have the migraine. And near the end of the day yesterday, I found myself wondering what compulsion kept me working even at this subpar level. I mean, come on, a migraine is a legit reason to stop working. But I didn’t.

Exhaustion as a status symbol – a false belief

 

Many of us adopt the false belief somewhere in our early working years that continuing to work when you’re sick or suffering was a status symbol. Never let them see you sweat, we were told. Not consciously, of course, the trickier ways we harm our selves are smarter than that, they’re covert. But subconscious whispers, keep going, you’re not that bad off, you don’t have COVID…you’re not dying. Get back to work.

 

If you share that subconscious thought pattern, let me tell you, it’s just plain stupid. And I say that to myself as much as any other person. If you’re like me and missed the lesson on resting, pausing when you feel like ‘crap on a cracker’ (which is, by the way, my new favorite line, not even going to pretend it’s not), it’s not too late.

 

Play and rest are critical, but too often dismissed in favor of proving something, to yourself or someone else. How tough you are, how you keep going, how you overcome. Dumb, dumb, dumb…I can say that because that’s my inner voice and I know it’s dumb even though I keep doing it.

Wholehearted living instead of exhaustion

 

Wholehearted living has shown me that working towards the Guideposts Brené Brown gives us is not a one and done. They take effort, daily, choices to give up our false narratives including ‘Exhaustion is a status symbol,’ and go a different way.

 

We will slip up. There will be days we arrive at 5 p.m. wondering why we didn’t stop hours ago when our head started throbbing. The hope is that the next time, we’ll choose differently. That instead we might rest or play or engage in whatever activity it is that brings your heart joy. If we make those choices, perhaps together we can shift the paradigm and rest will no longer be something people choose – it will be a natural part of living. For today, what will you do to prevent reaching exhaustion and know that taking care of yourself is the long run status symbol? I know you can do it, we’re navigating this journey together, friends. Be Brave – Lisa

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Strength emerging through storms

Make you strongTears started welling up quickly the other day. It was the end of a long, stressful time in life. Tension and stress that built up over a prolonged period and had not yet found a place to release. Tears had not yet found their way to my eyes, but I knew they were coming, I wasn’t sure when, but I knew it was a matter of time.

Our bodies are adaptable to great levels of stress. I read a book once about using stress for success. Adapting and essentially using stress as a catalyst. Which it can be. Like anger, it can propel us into action. But what is really driving that ship? Most commonly it’s the avoidance of a negative consequence. Or, as with anger, it can be driven from hurt.

I’ve gone down quite a few rabbit holes researching to effects of stress. Yes, it can drive you into action. But while it was formerly an intangible condition, medical experts are now saying that consistent exposure to high levels of stress can lead to a myriad of health conditions. Immune system issues, high blood pressure, weight problems, anxiety, the list is lengthy. So, while you may outwardly adapt, your body is keeping track. It absorbs the stress and the consequences may be unseen but are slowly deteriorating your health.

When the tears started forming, they weren’t over anything catastrophic. They were the outward evidence of the culmination of stress in my body. What did they start over? A Wi-Fi router. Really. A router that stopped working for me unexpectedly. That I needed to watch television, my recent friend and escape. When I discovered it wasn’t working, the tears involuntarily started, and were vastly disproportionate to the situation at hand.

The tears weren’t about the router. Just like when you snap at someone when you’re stressed, or lash out, it’s only a symptom of the underlying stress. We can hold only so much inside before it spills out and it’s usually something little that does it.

When you’re in a period of stress that seemingly ends, one would hope you could instantly return to life as normal. It doesn’t work that way. I was thinking about the unwinding of stress within the body and was reminded of Scuba Divers. When they’ve been in the depths for a long period of time, they cannot return to the surface quickly. A diver who rises to quickly risks decompression sickness, typically known as the bends, which is described as “a condition arising from dissolved gases coming out of solution into bubbles inside the body on depressurization,” (Wikipedia)

The unravelling happens over time, it must. If we push the pace, we heal, but it takes longer and we might get the bends which you only avoid by rising to the surface slowly. As stress slowly fades away, you find that you’re stronger. You’ve allowed the stress to leave your body and healed. You can’t rush that process, it’ll happen on its own with some intentionality. Self-care, some TV binging maybe (just saying…not a long-term solution but it can help!), a period of readjustment. One day, you’ll wake up and feel different, a shift. You’ll realize that you feel whole again, stronger and happier. Love yourself on the journey and love others you meet along the path. Happiness is right around the corner.

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Being Brave Sooner

Be Brave SoonerThe call you never expect, news you can’t believe but which sinks in slowly over time. A couple of weeks ago, I received one of those calls at work. A co-worker and friend had passed away unexpectedly, at what I consider a young age, 62. The pain that rippled through my workplace in the following days was palpable as we shared in fond memories and sadness.

Yesterday we concluded that chapter with a Celebration of Life. As people shared fond memories of a man who lived a full life, I thought about my own. Which, I think, is not an atypical thought process. As we remember others, we ponder how we would be remembered. Who would show up to celebrate our life? It’s not reflection for the sake of a popularity contest, for me, it’s wondering about the positive impact I’ve been able to have on other’s lives.

Not the first time I’ve gone down this path. Reaching midlife also prompts reflection on the impact we’ve had. It’s not as much about my own experiences as those I’ve shared. The people I’ve engaged with throughout my life. How I’ve shown up.

Coming on the heels of being at Dare to Lead™ facilitator training this week, a theme continues to bubble up for me.

Be Brave Sooner

I have a heightened awareness that I’ve lived a safe life. One that minimizes risk of failure. One where there is a built-in back-up plan. I prepare for disappointment which keeps me safe but keeps me small. A couple years ago, I made my word for the year Brave. And I was. I took chances, spoke up, leaned in. But somewhere along the way, I dialed it back. I started playing it safe again.

Normal, I think, to ebb and flow in life, but when being brave started slipping from my grasp, I could see the ripples in the way I showed up in life. The decisions, the way I engaged. Safe. When we’re brave, we have honest conversations, we speak up, we’re vulnerable and courageous.

Perfectly summed up in one of the slides from training.

“You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability – Embrace the suck”

100% get that. Vulnerability can be hard. It’s part of being brave, but it does suck at times. It’s hard. You can’t phone in being brave, being courageous. It’s a step by step process of being vulnerable. That doesn’t mean doing the verbal vomit with every single person you know. It’s being vulnerable with those you do life with, the people that matter. Stepping into uncertainty and being real instead of the polished façade.

Making brave, courageous choices in the way we engage is what leads to a celebration of life. Playing it safe may feel great in the moment but leaves a small footprint. Wouldn’t you choose to look back on life and know that you were brave, courageous, lived fully and engaged with others? It’s a choice. It takes practice. You can do it. Be Brave Sooner.

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Discovering my favorite things

Know what you desireAs much as I’d like to break into a rendition of “These are of few of my favorite things…” from The Sound of Music, that’s not what’s on my mind today – although – maybe it is now because that tune has now firmly taken up residence via my inner voice (insert face palm here). Instead, the idea of favorite things has been rolling around in my head since I went to a friend’s birthday party the other night.

The party centered around all her favorite things – from food, to music, a raffle around her favorites – and she must have listed about 100 – and people, those she wanted to spend time with. I discovered that some of her favorite things are mine as well. But I couldn’t help wondering if I could name my favorites, and that’s stuck with me since.

I come from a family steeped in tradition and one of the phrases I hear nearly every time we’re planning a dinner is, “We’ll have [insert food item here], everyone loves it.” Sometimes I think to myself, “I don’t love it,” but at the same time, I don’t dislike it either. I go with the flow. If asked, I probably couldn’t name what I’d want instead anyways.

And there’s the rub. The fact that I know I have a tough time naming what I truly like is unsettling to me. At the same time, having an understanding of how I’m wired gives me a leg up on the ‘why’ behind it. I’m an Enneagram 9, which is likely not news to you if you’ve read my blog for any length of time. And as a 9, go with the flow is my middle name. I want peace, no conflict, to have harmony. Declaring what I actually want is honestly a bit terrifying. What if others don’t like it, or agree? What if I rock the

boat? I’m far more inclined to tell you what I don’t like than what I do.

But when you go along to get along, it doesn’t always work out that well. You could find yourself being resentful without being sure why. Resentment coming from not expressing your own desires, wants needs. I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing what you want and expressing it is not selfish, as some might suggest. Instead, it’s part of being an individual. Knowing what you want, what makes you come alive, brings you delight, makes your heart swell with joy. It’s not the same as someone else’s joy, or passion, and that’s ok.

And simply knowing and expressing what you’re passionate about, your favorite things, doesn’t necessarily mean you are surrounded by those things at the exclusion of what others desire. Instead, you can weave together…find a blending and harmony in sharing your favorite things with others.

You may already know your favorite things, but if you’re like me, let’s work on figuring it out. As you go through your week, notice what sparks joy in you. What activities, objects, people, experiences, feelings make you happy? Where do you find delight? Is it shopping at Whole Foods market because you like the environment – for me, yes it is. Being in nature, the sunrise or sunset? Bodies of water? Helping other people? Shoes? Painted toenails? Painting in general? While these would start a list, it would not fill up the board my friend had at her party. The challenge for me, and anyone else looking to get in touch with themselves, is to notice, name it, and write it down. Expressing what you love might feel awkward, or foreign to you, but practice it. In time, we’ll get there and have a greater ability to express our bold selves. I’m with you on the journey.

 

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Choosing your focus

Positive EnergyAt work, we describe busy times as “seasons,” except they’re less seasons and more all the time.  And while you adapt to the pace, every now and then there’s a tipping point. Yeah, that happened this week. I found myself standing in front of my friend/boss with tears in my eyes, overwhelmed. Only for a minute, but I tipped.

We were minutes away from beginning a training which I was leading and while I knew I’d make it through, the business caught up to me. Once we started the session, the material we walked our team through reminded me of the lesson I needed in that moment. Isn’t that how life is when you’re paying attention?

Bear with me on the HR speak for a minute as I explain the tool we were using. We use a 360 tool through the Leadership Circle to look at leaders through multiple lenses. Their leader, their team and peers. The results show the degree to which you operate in 4 spheres: Creative/Reactive and Relationships/Results. You receive a score of where others see you are in each area as well as where you rate yourself, showing any disconnects.

The idea is that when you’re operating in the Reactive space, you’re not as focused on the Creative side, which is where innovation, strategy and growth happen. The same is true with Results, if that’s where your primary focus is, you have less energy to invest and grow relationships, to work through and with people.

As we walked through these concepts, literally – we have a 12’x12’ version of the circle laid out on the floor – concepts from the coaching program I went through also came to mind. The Creative and Reactive sides equate to positive and negative pulls. When you operate in the negative space, that’s the energy you draw to you and the lens through which you see your circumstance. The negative/reactive side is a stronger force than the positive/creative. Once you can see it, you can make a choice.

That’s right, a choice. In my moment/meltdown, the focus was on the enormity rather than the opportunity.

When we choose to approach a situation from the positive/creative space, we see options, ways to look at the circumstance differently. Its no different when you’re working with people. If you approach a situation ‘armoring up,’ prepared for the worst, that’s what we’re going to look for, and likely, what you’re going to get. I’ve seen this play out in conversations over and over. The approach has a significant impact on the result.

The degree to which we can stay in the creative/positive space will influence the interactions in our lives. We can look for the positive, bringing it out in ourselves and in others. It’s a choice and sometimes armoring up seems safer, but it won’t produce the relationships we desire. The ask for you today is simply to notice. Pay attention to your interactions and be mindful of the way you interact. You’re likely to find that the energy you put forth is what will be returned to you.

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Lean in to glory

Who we areI was born with a known problem in the way blood flowed to my left foot. Basically, I had too much blood in my foot (fancy medical term… arterial venous fistula) and by the time I was three months old, the doctors had told my parents that I would have to have it amputated, which happened when I was four. I don’t spend a lot of time talking to my parents about it, but there have been moments. One aspect that has stuck with me is that my mother has told me that there were people in her life who told her that my birth defect was a result of some sin she must have committed.

At the time of the conversation, I remember thinking that was a bunch of baloney, and I haven’t spent time thinking about it. Until the other day when I read this passage in the book of John.

John 9: 1-3: As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

As I read it, I found myself connected to the words in a new way. I’m not of the mindset that people are sinning, doing wrong, constantly. I don’t believe my mother, or anyone, committed a sin and that God thought, “yeah, I’ll show them for that one.” I just don’t. I believe people want to do their best. Are we a hot mess on any given day, yes. Do we struggle with issues defined as sin, yes. But I simply believe the vast majority of people wake up each day, and strive to do good, not sin. So I connected to the shift. Did you catch it?

Instead of focusing on a sin, Jesus looked at the man and healed his blindness. He focused on the glory in the healing.

Here’s how the rabbit trail connected to me as I read those words. I was born with a condition which put me in a unique position to God’s unique works in me. Because, after my foot was amputation, it was essentially back to business as usual. Meaning, I grew up doing normal kid things. I learned how to ride a bike, ski, hike, ride a horse, dance (albeit poorly) … with my prosthetic leg. But as I got older, particularly when I was cycling avidly, I noticed that people would make comments to me. Encouragement. When I was racing triathlons, people would tell me I encouraged them being out there. It seemed so weird to me. Truly. I was just doing my thing. But I thought about it. And I began to see that maybe God was working through me, encouraging other people to try, because that’s what I was doing, trying.

Because I was simply born this way. It wasn’t the result of anything but the way I was formed in my mother’s womb. The same way my own children were formed in my womb. They were each born uniquely. Born the way they are, the way God made them, perfectly. And I believe there is glory being worked in and through each one of them.

Just as there is glory being worked through you. If we put limits on it, thinking there is some sin, or some barrier to the glory, we’re not living our full life. Lean in to the glory working in you, through you. Every single one of you, and know it’s all part of the plan.

 

 

 

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Hurt and Anger

hurt and angerI am not an angry person. I know people who say they’re angry, often, but that’s not something that comes to my mind. Until…I took my deep dive into the Enneagram. What I learned was that my type, the 9, the peacemaker, is “asleep” to their anger. It’s not that the anger isn’t there, it’s that they don’t even recognize it, they don’t associate with it. Um…ok…that got my attention.

I once met with a friend I hadn’t seen in quite a while. At the time, I’d gone through my coaching class and was increasingly self-aware. She made a comment that I used to seem “angry all the time.” This was pre-Enneagram and I remember being surprised and thinking that I didn’t recall being angry. When I learned the Enneagram, her comment came back to me, clicked into place and made more sense than I was comfortable with.

Describing myself as angry is something I wouldn’t do, it’s an uncomfortable emotion for me. Maybe you’ve felt the same way. Anger feels almost dangerous to me, an emotion that there must be a way to get around. Except there’s not. Post-Enneagram, I’ve noticed that uncomfortable emotion, and made an effort to recognize it when it comes up.

At the same time, I think about hurt. Stay with me. Hurt and anger are two sides of the same coin. No, really. Anger often comes from hurt, it’s a response that allows us to do something with the hurt we feel. Because if we don’t do something with all that hurt, it simply simmers inside of us. Eats at us. We want to make it go away but that’s a hard ask without action.

I’ve noticed there are different ways that people can take their anger, their hurt and act. A few month’s ago, I went to a women’s empowerment conference. On the second day of the conference, I was walking to lunch thinking about an uncomfortable feeling I was having. There was an intangible I couldn’t put my finger on about the conference. Then it dawned on me, there were a lot of angry women there. Anger manifesting itself in action, but negative anger. Railing out against “the man,” which in this case actually was man, the laws, the behaviors, that prevented women from equality. I did not share the anger, which explained my discomfort.

That said, there are circumstances which I am not in agreement with, and I am pro-equal rights for women, but how I choose to respond is different than anger. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that the conference was purely a fight against male oppression. Far from it. Dynamic female speakers shared thought provoking insights into a wide variety of topics and I was thankful for attending. I simply noticed the simmering anger.

I’m finding that I also have a spirit to do something about circumstances that I don’t agree with, but it comes from a different place. A broken heart. My heart breaks for people who are made to feel “less than.” I fundamentally see the equality and sameness in people. When I see people being treated as though they’re doing something wrong simply for being who they were born to be, it hurts my heart. That’s when I feel anger. The broken heart “anger” makes me want to come alongside people, to show them God’s love, love that God has for each and every one of us.

So, while I may not like the emotion of anger, I can see where it serves a purpose. It gives my hurting heart a way to action. Honestly, understanding anger through the lens of the Enneagram allowed me to name it, and move through it, rather than allowing it to simmer. I’m still not comfortable with it, and it feels bold to even say I have it, but that’s my plan this year, being bold. I’d ask you to think about hurt and anger in your own life. How does it come up and what are you doing about it? Recognize it so that you can heal and move forward, whether it be into action, forgiveness, acceptance, whatever your heart needs to have peace. That’s your brave path friends. I’m on it with you.

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Keeping the peace

Everything's gonna be alrightI often let a thought spin around in my head, almost like a ball on a roulette wheel. The idea will spin and spin and when I least expect it, click into place. I wrote about taking a class on the Enneagram last week. Some of the information was new, but not all. I’d been researching the tool for a while. The idea that rolled around in my head related to what is referred to as the “childhood wound,” of the type.

For the Enneagram 9, which is what I typed as, it’s “if everything around me is ok, I am ok.” It can lead to being a peacemaker, mediator and generally keeping life around you calm. I can completely relate. Figuring out where the “wound” comes from isn’t necessarily important, it’s the story we create for ourselves to make sense of the world around us. What’s important to address is the lasting impact.

What clicked for me the other day was that I have, not infrequently, put myself into situations where I knew on the frontside the person I was talking to had opposing views to mine, and in my mind I always though, “It’s going to be alright, we’ll figure it out.” What I realized is that, those situations always worked out because I stepped aside. Meaning, the belief or thought that I had took a backseat. I either abandon it or set it aside for the sake of keeping the peace.

Oddly, it’s a different story at work where I navigate opposing views regularly. The difference, I think, is that I’m operating as a healthy version of the 9 at work. In my personal life, the difference is too close, the risk of upsetting the harmony I crave to great. So I play small. I don’t speak up. I’m silent when I need to use my voice. I turn inside myself and risk withdrawing.

I share this because I doubt that I’m alone. Women, in particular, acquiesce. We keep the peace, in our homes, with our family, with our children, our spouses. It’s a wiring. Which isn’t a bad thing. But if we’re keeping the peace at the expense of ourselves, our own ideas, beliefs and opinions, it’s not healthy. I was told once by a therapist, when discussing my people pleasing tendencies, that if you are always focused on pleasing others, you’re slowly giving yourself away. That results in resentment and a slow erosion of your essential self. That’s not God’s plan.

There are times when we might compromise, that’s part of normal living with other people. But I’ve come to realize that if you are compromising on your core beliefs, the essence of who you are and what you believe in, that’s a different story. Compromising on where to go to dinner is another ballgame.

So now what? Has any of this struck a cord with you? If it has, you may need to look at how you construct your life and how “everything will be alright.” Maybe, you could try on, “this part might be difficult,” or stay in the tension when you want to back down and silence your heart. What I hope you’ll do, is to stay true to who you are. Your beliefs and opinions are equally important to anyone else’s. I pray that you will not forget that and that you will stay strong as the person God made you to be.

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Learning to say No

no is completeLast month, I was part of an event with the Willow Creek Association. During the one-day event, 7 segments were recorded, different facets addressing abuse and harassment within the church. On Thursday, I received the recording of my portion, in which I gave practical advice for preventing harassment within the workplace.

I was specifically asked to review it and give feedback on any changes prior to the release to over 800 churches and non-profits this week. I felt my stomach knot up, major cringing. Let’s get real here. I was confident about the content, but it meant I had to watch myself, for thirty minutes! In normal circumstances, that’s a hard pass, but I had no choice.

So, I watched it. And I didn’t die. In reality, I was surprised, encouraged even. Speaking in front of people isn’t a challenge for me, it was having to watch myself that was a nightmare.

My favorite part was during the Q&A at the end where our host, Liz, asked me questions from the audience. In response to one of her questions, I simply said “No.” Of course, after a beat I added more, but the simple answer was no. Honestly, I burst out laughing watching it, I don’t know why it tickled me so much, but it did.

And I was thinking about that answer this morning, reminded that, in fact, “No.” is a complete sentence. We share an inherent tendency to add more, as though explaining our No, is a requirement. It’s not. And it’s that word that we need as we discern our way through our own lives.

It’s beyond easy to say yes, constantly, and find ourselves entrenched with more on our plate than is reasonable. I listen to the “For the Love” podcast with Jen Hatmaker and on this week’s episode, she interviewed Emily Ley, an author and creator of The Simplified Planner! At one point, Emily was talking about the process of simplifying her closet and how hard it is to let go of what no longer serves you. My ears perked up because since I started watching The Art of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix, I’ve been one step away from using her method. But the mere thought of piling all my clothes on the floor and holding each one to determine if it brings me joy…brings me no joy. Anxiety is what it brings me.

Emily shared that she has someone in her life, a helper, who is her “No mentor.”

Ok, wait, she’s on to something. A “No mentor?” Think about it. You have someone who you trust, but who has no attachment to your stuff. Whether it be your clothes, your interests, your pursuits… someone who is objective. She explained that she calls her No Mentor when she’s, for example, weighing two career opportunities. Her mentor can remind her of the path she’s on, and of what aligns with that. And as a bonus, can help in the closet.

I 100% love this idea. Not only for my closet, but to sort through the wide variety of topics that pull at my attention. Life truly is a balance of holding on and letting go. If we hold on to everything, it becomes unmanageable to pursue the important areas well, the areas that bring us the most joy and allow us to maximize sharing our gifts with others.

While I don’t have a No Mentor (but am going to think more about that idea), I think being able to prioritize for our self is an important skill. Like any skill, you must practice, but it can be improved. Maybe my amusement watching myself give a simple No was simply because I had actually let No being the answer for once.

Is there somewhere, something you need to let go of to focus on the right thing? Where  can you say no – without any further explanation – to an ask, a path or choice or relationship that no longer serves you? It’s an act of self-love to prioritize and preserve yourself, your time, your energy. It’s bold – and I’m all about being bold this year. So, without fear or remorse, where do you need to say No today? Do it, and remember, you’re loving yourself in the process.

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Midlife Awareness

img_0198 (1)I am the oldest child and have all the type A characteristics that come with it. Oddly though, my birthday is late in the year, which made me the youngest among many of my friends growing up. I was four when I started kindergarten and only 17 when I stepped foot on my college campus. It presented a dichotomy, oldest at home but youngest in day to day life. I’ve thought about the contrast lately as I’m mentally turning a corner. Still the oldest child, no longer the youngest of my peers, and in the middle of my life.

People talk about midlife with a negative slant. But I’d disagree. For me, it’s a time of change. Paraphrasing Brené Brown… Midlife, it’s when the Universe shakes us and says ‘stop messing around, use the gifts I gave you. If you’ve read Brené you know she would have said that saltier than I do, for good reason, emphasizing that many of us have walked along beside our life to this point. We’ve let it happen to us, and in our early 50’s (plus or minus) it’s as though we wake up.

I know I have. It wasn’t at 50, more like the late 40’s. My question was ‘how do I want to play this out?’ I entered a career by default out of college and stayed it in. Changed employers a few times, but never changed my field. But I started to feel there was so much more. Gifts that I had which were lying on a shelf, dusty. A slant towards connection, creativity, writing…passions that I’d pushed aside for responsibility. Safe, secure, staying the course that others had laid out for me…until I started to question it.

I can see why it’s called a midlife ‘crisis.’ When you take your life and throw it up in the air to see what sticks, yeah, that can look like a crisis. Your body starts to act out…aches, arthritis (it’s no joke), hot flashes, fatigue. What…the…heck?? You talk about the quality of your sleep instead of the latest mountain you’ve conquered, realize that you can’t eat fries like a teenager anymore. Maybe you buy a sports car…I’ve heard that’s a thing… or embark on ways to ‘discover’ yourself.

I can’t help but wonder if the ‘crisis’ comes from not knowing how to navigate our true self. Stay with me. By the time we hit this time of life, our roles start to change. The self that we presented to the world starts to fall away. Our kids are in various stages of adulting, some of us may have parents who are starting to have health challenges (personally thankful I don’t have this one yet), we may find ourselves questioning our careers – how we want our work life to look. We might also start to discover creative passions. I know I have. Looking at our life free of the parts that defined us, shaped us for years, wondering what’s next, the questions can feel overwhelming, like a crisis.

Or, we can look at this phase of life as an awakening. We’re old enough to honestly look at our lives, discerning enough to weed through the parts that aren’t working and put those aside. At the same time, we are wise and have the freedom to explore our gifts, the talents we shelved when we were in the weeds earlier in our lives. AND (this is one of my favorites), we care far less about doing what everyone else thinks we should. Now that is freeing in and of itself.

Midlife awakening, boldly stepping into the next phase. Claiming it, embracing it. Ready to live out our authentic lives, knowing they may or may not look different than they have. Loving ourselves through it, embracing our gifts, and sharing those with the world. It’s your bold life, my friend, live it fully.