Category: Be Kind

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What is your intention?

IMG_5942The rumbling on this topic started a few days ago at a Soul Gathering I attended at LOLO Mind Body and Soul. The leader, Lauren, is my nutritional psychology coach and I’ve made a lot of progress working with her on the topic of body acceptance among a myriad of other topics. The Soul Gathering was something different. It was a collection of women who gathered to heal together. We meditated as a group and Lauren gave a powerful talk on intention. The power of setting intention in your life and the resulting impact.

I’ve read about intention, probably talked with Lauren about it, so I was cruising along. Yeah…I got this. Was feeling a little cocky about it. She spun it with a different twist though that really caught me in the gut…cause that’s where I feel everything.

Let’s pause for a minute here while I talk about intent. Particularly in the space of self-development, I’ve read and thought about the power of setting an intention. Knowing where you want to go, to grow, to be is one thing. But really seeing that in your mind’s eye. Visualizing yourself in that space, taking those steps, arriving at the destination, that’s the work.

Through a guided meditation, Lauren had each of us set an intention. See it, feel it, touch it. Well, that’s no sweat. I want to write a book, it’s rolling around in my head and so, no brainer, that was my intention. This time instead of just saying it, I could see it, turn the pages, see others reading it.

Lauren continued, talking about the blocks we put up that get in the way of reaching your intention. My ears perked up a little bit. Things were getting real. As she spoke, and I meditated on her words, I could see it.

I’d been holding on to a VW sized rock that was getting in the way of moving forward.

Other…people’s…expectations.

The book that is in my heart is a journey. It’s my journey to find who I am. Truly discover myself as a woman and what I believe, what I desire, where I want to go. I believe that is a journey many women desire to take but are held back by fear, by other people’s expectations, by the unknown. Real life stuff.

My book is about all of that. About taking all of that and wrestling it to the ground and then rumbling with it, as Brene Brown described it in Rising Strong. It’s one thing to see it, but quite another altogether to wrestle with it, to own the emotions, to see the why behind your reactions. It’s messy, it’s emotional, but it’s good. And I mean really good work to do. Of course, when your feeling like a wrung-out rag after, go fill yourself up…preferably with coffee, or shoes.

I’m not writing a book that will make everyone feel happy. I’m writing a book to make people think – about their own journey. And through sharing parts of mine, I know there will be people who don’t share my views. And the rumble for me is to be ok with that. The learning for those people will be different than others.

Now that I can see that block in reaching my intention, I need to do my own work. Authenticity isn’t a pageant category. Can you imagine, swimsuit competition, a show of who the person really is – their authentic self, and, wrap that up with talent? Quite a different contest altogether. And truly, authenticity is not a popularity content. It’s being true to yourself, which is independent of other people’s expectations.

What is your intention today? What blocks are you consciously or subconsciously putting in the way of reaching it. This week do that work. I guarantee I’ll be on that train with you. Reframing how I look at writing my book in terms of the story in me vs. what will please others. Scary, I get it. But you are brave my friend, braver than you know.

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Assuming the best

Best I canWhen my kids were young, they had a teacher that I clashed with, constantly. I didn’t get her. Granted, I was far (said with the most emphasis you can imagine) more conservative, stuffy, prideful…oh just keep going…than I believe I am today. There was a way my kids should be taught. The experience in school and extracurricular activities should be handled in a certain way. I had many opinions. I was even president of the PTA for awhile and it’s fair to say the school staff probably laughed about me as “that parent” over wine.

Deep breath. So thankful to not be that person anymore. Granted, my kids are adulting and turned out awesome, if I do say so, in spite of the control freak ways I went about their early childhood.

Back to that teacher. Here’s the interesting thing. Through the magic of social media, I have learned that she and I, we’re not as different as I thought. In fact, some of her parenting situations are no different than mine. And, thinking back on it from the space I’m in today, I can understand the approaches she had with her students and have much greater appreciation for it.

Once I came to this realization, I rolled it around in my head for a couple weeks. And, not coincidentally I believe, I had other experiences, other learnings, in that time, that made me take a step back and look at myself.

One that was impactful for me was a lesson in the Brene Brown Daring Leader class I’m enrolled in. The general message was that people are doing the best they can. Think about that for a minute. Let it sink in.

I’ve heard this before and appreciated the way Brene talked about it, saying that she was skeptical of this concept. Honestly, I can be, at times, too. But the thing about it that I can identify with is that given their circumstance (which is not your circumstance) and the skills they have, the vast majority of people don’t want to suck. I believe people want to do well. They desire to do the best they can. You may not think that because you compare them to you and how you would handle situations.

News flash…other people are not you.

The person sitting next to you in a meeting? They may be facing a difficult situation at home – or may not have had the education you have. Conversely, they may be brilliant and you feel like you have the intelligence of a two year old next to them. Either way, in that moment, you’re doing the best you can, and so are they. Take it further. Let’s say the person next to you shows behavior you’re not a fan of. Are they doing the best they can? Might be hard to stay in that space, right? But if we extend the grace we hope others are extending us, I’d say yes. Again, people don’t want to show up and suck. Really. I haven’t done the research, but I feel pretty good about that “fact.”

Authentic-self time. I encourage you to do this with me. Am I doing my best? Am I living authentically? Having conversations I need to have? Living and speaking as my true self? I don’t always feel that way. But, the still small voice in my head would say yes. Each moment, I’m showing up the best I can. Doesn’t mean there aren’t different ways I want to show up, but in that moment? Yes, I’m doing the best I can. That’s not a copout, it’s reality, one which each of us faces every day. If there’s more I want, different ways I want to live and show up in the moment, that’s on me. That’s where being brave – combined with self-compassion and grace – takes over.

I feel like staying on track with the authentic self is a day by day adventure. I’m going to continue the conversation in my social media this week. You know by now my head is always working on something, so get ready! I’m going to be brave and I hope that you will be in looking at yourself and your relationships too!

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Check in with your values

Values light the wayFor a couple of years, I’ve been on a quest of sorts – what do I want to do with the second half of my life. It’s a feeling that rolls around inside me and it led to becoming a certified professional coach over a year ago. At that point, I felt a tremendous pressure to launch into full time coaching.

But I didn’t. And by not taking that step, I was sure I was a failure.

The expectations to launch a coaching career had been projected on me through training were ones I owned and I was sure I was a failure as a person for not following through. Enter shame, which I’ve talked about before.

Tailspin, questioning, contemplating…all led to a season in my day job where I decided I wasn’t happy and was searching. For what I wasn’t sure. Not for another job. Never mind that I’ve been in my field creeping up on 30 years. Or, maybe that was why I was searching. But then, I leveled out. A shift at work, different responsibilities, the intent that it would pivot in a direction where I could use coaching more. In human resources, there’s a fairly high likelihood of that.

We’re now about a year out from that point. And it’s creeping up on me again. That desire to coach more. Yes, I’ve used the skills in the course of my job, honestly, I’ve used it in my personal life too. But there’s still something missing. Thus far, I’ve spent time thinking about how I could launch out on my own, coach full time. Write, be creative, help women create peace in their lives.

The more I thought about it the more unclear I became. I was looking for that bright light idea. It hit me as I was brainstorming ways I could switch up my work life. What I realized is that I may not want to coach full time, and I find joy in some of the elements of the job I have. My job is stressful. News alert…So is any job. But there are many fulfilling aspects of what I do.

What I want is…time.

The more I thought about it, what I realized is that my values are out of alignment from the way I’m currently living my life. That happens sometimes, and it can sneak up on you. Over the last year or so I’ve focused on living authentically. Moving past others’ expectations to living for who I am, for how I’m wired. Values that are important to me include: Connecting to others; Creativity; Flexibility; Family; Integrity – Authenticity. When I make decisions based on my values, I find peace.

Here’s an example of living out one of my values, family. I live across the country from a many people in my immediate family. They are important to me and we truly enjoy spending time together. Last weekend, my cousin had a baby shower in Orlando…a short 3,000 miles from me. There have been many times when I would have missed it…too far. But I decided I’d done that too many times and I’m going to start being there for family occasions. So, I did. I took a couple days off work and traversed the country to Orlando, where, I have to say, it was as hot as the middle of a rain forest. Seriously. Humidity is no joke. But worth every sweat drop.

When I looked at my values in relation to my work, I realized I was out of alignment with my value of flexibility and connecting to others. I do connect to people at work, but not at the level I desire. That deep interpersonal level where the magic happens. And as much as I’d like to think otherwise, it’s not overly flexible. The challenge with that has been the integrity value. I’m not going to be flakey about work so that I can pursue flexibility. It doesn’t work like that.

What has come of this realization, that I’m out of alignment, is a search for how I can create flexibility. And for that, there are options. The answer hasn’t quite presented itself yet, but I have clarity about where I’m headed.

I’ve told you all this because I know I’m not alone. How often have you felt disconnect with an aspect of your life but are not sure why? Looking at your values will shine a light into what’s really happening. Even if you’re not out of alignment, take a minute to check in with your values, top 5. On a 1-10 scale, how would you say you’re doing? Pick one and decide, today, to take a step that leads you closer to it. It’s back to being brave, living authentically. Shining your light on others from a place of strength.

You got this.

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Being brave…making our own choice

Owl in the tree - ShameI’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. Sounds grandiose but it’s not really. It’s more about how I want to play out my work life. The impact I want to have on people. Not a new path for my mind to take and one that has produced tremendous amounts of angst.

Make lists, pros and cons, mind map…yeah, done that. Different ways to search for the ideal solution. In the midst of the tornado swirl in my mind, a simple thought came to me the other day. As I wrestled to determine what I really feel, behind the scenes, I was wading past what I believed were other people’s expectations. Truths that weren’t mine, but that I’d made my own, or which I thought had to be my own.

As I thought more about it, I began to notice that there was another feeling coming up. It would flit in and out, not long enough to really grab hold of.

And it started to creep into other areas of my life. My voice, more specifically using my voice. Feeling I could speak my own thoughts, opinions, freely without retribution. That when I spoke, what I had to say would be respected, even if not agreed with. I realized that I sometimes refrain from using my voice when I believe it’s contrary to the opinion of those around me. I chose silence over my truth.

I had a chance to spend a long time meditating today, just letting thoughts float by. That’s when it hit me.

Shame.

Underneath my career angst/ inability to chart a path forward and choosing silence about my true thoughts was shame. And here’s how I knew. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of feeling guilty, of thinking that by saying or doing something I do the wrong thing. It’s that by what I did or said it would show I was a bad person. Not worthy, not enough, small.

And that’s not the truth.

Say, for example, I choose tomorrow to start a second phase in my work life. One where I coach full time and spend a great deal of time writing. Sounds glorious. However, I like my current role, and am quite connected to the people I work with. It’s a supporting environment where I have developed fulfilling relationships with the team. But if I chose to leave and recreate my work life, it would be just that. A decision. The work choices I may are not that black and white but whatever I do or don’t do, it’s a decision. And with a decision would come consequences. But the decision in and of itself doesn’t have the power to create shame.

I create shame, we create shame. Letting what I think other people believe about a decision, an opinion, a truth of mine hold me in a tight net of fear. Fear prompted by a desire to avoid shame. Brene Brown calls perfectionism a desire to avoid shame, blame or judgement. Fear of speaking or living your truth because of what others might think, of the judgement, the blame, the shame you might feel, it’s not healthy. It’s a form of perfectionism – not the good kind.

Thinking about the analysis paralysis some of us feel at times as a mechanism to avoid shame proved incredibly insightful for me. Fear of vulnerability? Maybe it’s avoidance of shame – that story in your head that you are a bad person.  Indecision, not moving life forward? Same. I believe I’ve unconsciously held myself on a steady, safe path to avoid the potential shame I might feel if I lived authentically. If I’d made decisions that might take me on a path I wanted but then questioned my choice. Or a path that others might disapprove of. But if they did, or if my path wasn’t what I thought, so what? Honestly, so what?

That’s where grace comes in. Grace instead of shame. Authenticity and self-compassion.

I believe with all my heart that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. The fear of feeling shame and the resulting reluctance to live an authentic life. What I know is that if we can get to the root and realize where the feelings come from, we can call them out, whether they are shame or something else. Lay them down and know that taking risks is brave. We can all use to be brave more often. That’s my truth – and I plan to speak and live it boldly.

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Loving me, loving you…it keeps coming up

Love yourself - my hand my heartWhen I see themes repeating in my life, I’ve realized I better pay attention. I’m not kidding, sometimes I’ll notice that certain concepts or ideas won’t go away. They come up over and over. Such is the case with self-love. I thought I was dialing into it, but perhaps no.

Last week I went to a monthly Soul Gathering at the studio of my nutritional coach’s teacher. I think I’ve written about these gatherings before, but a group of women (and a couple token men) gather listen to insight into certain topics and then engage in supporting activities. This month was on self-love. When I saw the topic, I thought – game on, I’m in. I went with a friend who I met at the first gathering I went to and who I just love. You see, we both see the same nutritional coach, Lauren, and Lauren’s approach is to look at the why, the inner stuff, behind why we eat, why we struggle with body image and, of course, partnering with that is self-love. Fun topics, right? My friend and I are similarly situated in that regard. We struggle with maintaining positive body image, and we agreed on the ride over it would be an interesting, helpful evening.

We did three activities that night – we sent love to another, we brought in love from God to ourselves and then sent it out to others in the room, and we had to go around the room and say 3 things we love about ourselves. Whoa, whoa, whoa…internally trying to do that was hard enough and now you want me to say it out loud? Come on now, big ask…big, BIG, ask.

But the first person began, and my turn was rapidly approaching. One person said they loved their body. I looked at my friend and nearly without words we agreed those would not be the words coming out of our mouths. Closer…ok, my turn. Deep breath. I said my three things, and even got a little vulnerable, talking about how my love of my children and who they are as young men has caused me to love them even more strongly and to have a stronger heart for truly seeing and loving other people. That was an important one for me.

In hindsight, I can see that I talked more about outward facing parts of myself than internal ones. That’s still a journey. I left the gathering that night feeling settled though. Confident and strong in loving parts of me, and really thinking about God’s love.

I was describing the group to a friend and her comment was, “have you ever thought that not loving yourself is an insult to God? That he made you just as you are and by not loving yourself you’re saying that’s not good enough?” Well snap. That’s an in your face way to drive it home. The second greatest commandment in the Bible is to Love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, and to clarify – it’s not in an arrogant, “I’m all that and a bag of chips”, way, it’s loving and accepting yourself, valuing and using the gifts you’ve been given way – how can you truly love others well.

The next morning, I tried self-affirmations, “I love you,” even adding my name because I was feeling confident. Get real, Lisa. It fell a little short. But I tried, I sat in the discomfort of saying it, alone, in my room. We must sit in it, the discomfort. Life isn’t necessarily comfortable. Loving yourself, loving others, not always comfortable. Learning to stay in it – despite the discomfort, that’s where love can grow. We often look to change others or our circumstances to lessen our discomfort instead of recognizing it and dealing with our own inner stuff (ok, deal with our own crap) that causes it.

Being authentic, loving ourselves, it’s loving all the parts, even those that cause discomfort. It’s not looking externally to either affirm who we are and why we should be loved, or to change the conditions causing discomfort. It comes back to looking at life, at you, at me, through the lens of love. That’s brave.

You may already be rockin’ the self-love thing, and that’s awesome. If you’re like me and still taking it day by day, moment by moment, try this. Today, just for one minute, 60 seconds, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say out loud (or in your head…honestly doesn’t that count? I say YES), “I love you.” Put it on your repeat play list for those 60 seconds. And then, think of someone in your life and send it out to them. You can say, “God bless____,” or simply think of sending love to that person.  It may feel uncomfortable to you but do it, be brave. It’s part of growth and its part of the journey we’re all taking together.

 

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Where do you leave fingerprints?

Bubblegum FingerprintsI’m on a weekend adventure in Seattle visiting my husband’s daughter. We got here early Friday and had some time before we connected so a visit to Pike’s Place Market seemed like a perfect way to spend the morning. It was. Crazy as it is, I love perusing all the booths, looking at the beautiful, brightly colored, flowers, avoiding getting hit by a flying salmon. It’s all part of the experience.

I also dragged my husband to Post Alley, aka, Bubblegum Alley. If you’re not familiar, it’s a narrow alley with high building walls on either side which have been covered over the years with gum. Yes, gum. Every type of gum imaginable I think, all different colors, sizes… it’s extremely colorful if you can get past how gross it is to be surrounded by partially chewed gum.

As I was looking at it, I started thinking about how each of those pieces of gum contained a fingerprint. A person had stuck each piece to the wall. A life was represented by each sticky, sugary piece. Their unique fingerprint left to harden along with the gum on the side of a building in Seattle.

Ok, for just one second my mind started thinking of the crime fighting possibilities and fingerprint ID…too much binge watching of the old show Psych…but I digress.

What I really thought about was the life story of those people. Who were they? Why were they in Seattle? What were they doing that day they came to the alley?

And I thought about my own life. Beyond what I was doing that day, I thought about the impact of my own life. I listened to a great interview the other day with Elizabeth Gilbert. One of the many things she talked about was being the kind of person who comes alongside others. The one who will be in the trenches when life is hard. I was drifting a bit when she brought up how being a perfectionist gets in the way of that. What? My interest snapped back…I’m a recovering perfectionist so I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Perfectionism can get in the way of being the go to person. The one people go to when their lives are a hot mess. When they’re struggling to keep it together. If you’re a perfectionist, people might think you’re not approachable, that you can’t relate, that you might judge.

I’ve sat with that idea and it’s what came up, standing there in the middle of all that gum, all those fingerprints. I thought about my own life and how I want to show up for others. I’m a go to person for information, but am I the one whose approached when life is hard? Would I be the one a friend would pick up the phone to call when they are in a shame spiral?

For me it comes back to authenticity. My unique fingerprint and the impression it leaves. I don’t need for people to come to me when life is hard. What I want is for others to know that I’m a hot mess and I’ve been there. My life has been a series of lessons, oftentimes learned the hard way. I can relate.

I believe the best way we can show up for each other, the best way we can be in each other’s lives is to own our stuff and be brave enough to just be with others. To know that we don’t have to solve, or fix…in fact the opposite is what is needed. For each of us to know that we’ve all been a hot mess. To say otherwise wouldn’t be true, wouldn’t be authentic. How that manifests in our relationships is part of the journey. If we can be brave and own our own stuff, and come alongside others, with love and kindness rather than opinions or fixing…that’s the good stuff.

As you go about your life today, I encourage you to think about your fingerprint. Let it be a representation of the real you, the authentic you…leaving an impression of love with the lives you touch today.

 

 

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Not where I once was

Be YourselfI was talking with a friend the other day about an online post we had both seen from Jen Hatmaker. If you don’t know of Jen, she’s a Christian speaker, author, pod-caster and all around awesome person. To me, she is super relatable, and I love, love, love her. Ok, now that I’ve fan girled…her post related to a talk she’d given years ago to young men. The gist of the post that stuck with me was that looking back on yourself, say, 10 years ago, and judging that person is, in my words, comparing a baby’s ability to run with, oh, say Usain Bolt’s.

I Nowas intrigued with this idea and pondered it during coffee talk this morning with my friend. When we look back at ourselves, we do it with all the knowledge and experiences we have today. We didn’t have those back then. It’s impossible to look back and consider what we did from the same lens we had then. Choices, decisions, things we did…they were all with the smarts and experience we had at that time.

I’m not going to lie, I did some dumb things when I was young. For example, I was a young mom and did the best I could to raise my boys. But did I screw that up? Sure. Did I cause therapy? Likely. Could I have done better? Maybe. That’s the thing. Maybe. Given who I was at the time, I don’t know that I could have. If I went back in time and parented my kids with the knowledge I have as a 50-year-old woman…heck yeah I would have done things different. But as a 26-year-old? Faking it at best…along with plenty of other people.

So why is there such a recurring pattern of looking back on those early years from the middle of life and judging? For that matter, why do we look back and judge the other people in our lives? The same is true for them. They did the best they could with the tools they had. I say that, but I’ve heard that phrase before and in the back of my head heard nagging that it was a cop-out, a way to deflecting responsibility. It’s not. It’s the truth. To look back and say we would have done things differently? Well no duh. That’s why hindsight is 20/20. We have much greater insight into past events. But we’ll probably be doing the same thing in 10 or 20 years from now about our actions today.

I’m calling for a time out. We all need to stop and realize the damage it does to our own selves to look back judgmentally. You did the best you could. We weren’t waking up and wondering how we could screw stuff up. The truth is there was blind navigation of the road we were on. That’s life. That’s normal and it’s part of the journey. We can’t judge the beginning from the middle because we’re different people.

The same is true for our judgement on other people’s decisions. It’s super easy to cast stones at someone else. But we’re not them and we all have our own stuff. We didn’t have their childhood, their experiences, their joys and tragedies, we’re not sitting in their shoes. Instead, we could choose to simply be. Be with ourselves and with others.

Choose to experience life today. Not to judge it, but to experience it for what it is. Choose to be kind to yourself and to others. I know that my authentic self today was formed from all those past experiences and what I learned from them. Let’s choose to keep bravely forging ahead and leading with love, for you, for me, and for others. Loving who we are today and being kind and loving in our nostalgia, knowing that who we are today is a product of the road we’ve traveled.

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Own you…the real you

Truckee 2018Each year around the 4th of July my family spends a week in Truckee. For those unfamiliar, it’s a small town near Lake Tahoe that is gloriously beautiful. From my folks’ house we look up to the backside of NorthStar ski area. The air is clear, it’s quiet and nature surrounds you in all directions. Why we don’t go up there more is a mystery to me (although I’m firmly committed to spending more time there!). So, you have the serenity fully in your mind?

My family is awesome, and we truly enjoy being around each other. This year, ten of us were up for the week. Our Truckee days are filled with non-stop activity. And by non-stop, I mean every…single…second…This week alone there was boating, rafting, pool ‘hanging’, cornhole (lots and lots of cornhole), ping pong, foosball, bocce ball (the only sport I made a respectable showing in), foot golf, golf, hiking…you get the idea? Most days had no less than 3 activities. And then we prepare and eat dinner together followed by a lot of laughter, loud music as we sang through the years and possible a game later. Genuinely, we enjoy each other, every activity becomes a competition, we laugh, we love one another.

I love being with the family and over time, particularly over the last year, I’ve noticed that I’m wired similarly to them in many ways but am also different. I’m serious, I tire far more easily, I get worn out. The competitive spirit is not as strong. Since this is the family I was raised in, a lot of the traits passed on to me, either by nature or nurture I believe. Over the last couple years, as I’ve settled into mid-life, more of who I am is becoming apparent to me, and I’ve been working to get comfortable with who that person is.

One thing I’ve known for years is that I’m more sensitive. I can recall being young and hearing the words, “there goes Lisa, crying again.” Any potentially emotional moment. Even yesterday, leaving the family to come home, I felt the tears well up. And I’ve tried to shake it off. Be tougher, not so sensitive. It’s not that easy. As I become more aware though, I notice it’s not just emotionally. I’m sensitive to sound – especially loud noises, conflict kills me on the inside, busy-ness and rushing throw me off, other people’s negative energy pulls on me…all things I’ve pushed aside as something being wrong with me. Called it anxiety or told myself to shake it off.

But now? Now I’m learning that it’s part of how I’m wired. I’m more in tune with other people’s energy-their moods, sensitive to it, often feeling it myself. And I feel the energy of different situations, good and bad. And I can get exhausted from it. It’s a little bit like having a hangover – even though I don’t drink – exhaustion, raw emotions.

So, what to do with a week of constant activity? This is where authenticity comes in. Own and take care of my needs. I’m responsible for that. The constant activity of my family? That will, and should, continue. It means that I might take a time out, or observe, rather than be in the middle. It means breaking away from the norm and being ok with it. This year, that’s what I did. The world didn’t end, and I came home slightly less exhausted than I have in the past.

Learning more about me, who I am as an individual and owning it is an ongoing journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in who other people think we should be and how we should show up in situations. It’s far braver to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean everyone around you needs to change to suit you. It means you ask for what you need. It’s setting your own boundaries and taking a time out if you need it. There’s no shame in that.

It’s no different than anywhere you feel you’re showing up on the outside differently than what’s on the inside. Think about that for yourself. Are there areas in your life where you show up to suit others instead of being who you truly are? What step could you take today that would get you closer to your true self? Do that. It’s just one step but it’s a step in the authentic direction. I’m with you every step of the way.

 

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When to break agreements

Lessons to be learnedThe other night I was with a group of people, gathered to talk about soul ties, more specifically, cutting unhealthy ones. It was a fascinating discussion going far beyond what I would normally think of as soul ties, which would be, for example, with a spouse. The conversation was focused on soul ties with a variety of people in our lives that hold us back and how to separate from them. They can also keep us in a cycle, repeating the same behaviors with the same person even when we’ve learned the lesson we were intended to learn.

I kept thinking about that idea throughout the week, extending it in my head (as I do – much more fun that way) to the idea of the agreements we make in relationships. Primarily the subconscious ones. We may not like to think about them as agreements, but they are. And usually, they’re of the unhealthy variety. Ways that we show up with each other, and not the ones we take selfies of. The “if you then I,” variety. It’s likely you don’t like it, are not happy about the pattern, but you either don’t recognize it or recognize it and don’t know how to step out of it. The third alternative is that you know it’s there, you don’t care, it’s not you it’s them.

So how healthy is that? I’m going to hazard a guess…not very.

The more complicated pattern is when you have those agreements and maybe end the relationship you’re in, romantic, friendship, otherwise…but then you move on and recreate the same pattern. The same exact pattern that lead you down the slippery or rough road before. What’s up with that??

Yes, it’s the behavior you know, but you also have a choice. Think about a behavior you have, say, when stressed, and you are aware it’s not the most fruitful. Not causing gains in your relationships. You’re repeating it over and over. One…you’re not learning the lesson. Your taking the lesson you were maybe intended to learn with the first person and because you didn’t learn it, or didn’t recognize it, you moved on to someone else and are doing it all over again! Two…it’s possible you’re preventing the current person you’re in a relationship with from learning the lessons they need to learn – for which they were drawn to you. Over time, it can create a big, muddled, hot mess.

If you can end that agreement, take the lesson and shift to a new phase in your relationship, and if that person comes along with you, it can change everything. In order to do that, you need to take time to really look at your part in what’s happening. What are the patterns that repeat, where do you feel yourself getting sucked in to unhealthy behavior? Sit in that. Brene Brown calls that “rumbling” in her book Rising Strong. Realizing you’re down and sitting in that space for a minute, long enough to see what’s really going on. When you do, you have a choice to make. Either you keep the agreement and “wash, rinse, repeat,” or you make a choice to behave, respond, different – create a new agreement.

What helps when you’re in that space?

Don’t take it personally…the other person’s reaction, their response, it’s about them, not you. It’s their stuff.

Own your own stuff…Yep, you’re there for a reason. Take a minute to look at your own behavior.

Have you seen this episode before? If so, if this isn’t your first rodeo with this argument, this circumstance, take note. You’re likely repeating agreements.

Make a choice…You can either respond like you have in the past…how that work out for you? Or you can make a different choice.

There are times when the eventual choice is to end an agreement, cut the soul tie so that you, and maybe the other person, can move forward. I believe these times call for authenticity. Showing up as your true self, without your masks and letting the other person experience the raw you. Honest, vulnerable, leaving defensiveness and self-preservation at the door. Aka…the brave choice.

Whether it’s time to cut the soul tie, end the agreement…or time to be authentic, be brave (and those may be the same thing at times) …just do it. If what you’re doing in a relationship isn’t working, and that’s any relationship – friend, spouse, child, parent, sibling, co-worker – you have a choice to make. Today, I hope you’ll make the one that leads to a more authentic, healthy you.

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What’s your tell?

TahoeYesterday, while it was blazing hot at home, my husband and I headed up to Truckee for the afternoon to hang out with my folks. It’s beautiful up there 100% of the time and yesterday was no exception. We headed to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon cocktail cruise. Perfect way to spend the afternoon. The water was about as smooth as Tahoe can be. But that hasn’t always been the case.

We’ve been out on the lake times where we were just trying to stay ahead of a storm. Having gone out on a summer day when it was clear and then had a storm come in. The water gets choppy, the clouds roll in, the wind kicks up. All signs that this sea sickness prone girl does not want to be on the water. If we ignore those signs, we’re in for a rough ride.

I was thinking the other day about those signs in my life that tell me I’m in for a rough ride. Every Saturday I have coffee with a girlfriend and we were talking about this a few weeks ago. By choice, I try not to use profanity. But I’m not gonna lie, there are times when it slips out. Rarely audibly, but in my head. I was telling her about that and she said the same thing happens to her and called it her tell. She knows when she’s getting stressed or out of sorts when she starts to use profanity. Usually, the worst I hear out of her is “coconuts,” it’s a catch all. I love it, if I’m being honest.

That concept stuck with me. We all have tells. In poker, it’ll kill your bluff. But it life? In life we often ignore them. And we shouldn’t. Those tells, the red flag warnings, they tell us that we’re off kilter, there’s something in our life that is causing misalignment with who we are, who we aspire to be.

For me, yes, there’s the in my head cursing – but honestly, I try to keep that to a minimum – mostly though it’s my body. My body speaks to me. It tells me and shows me when I’m out of alignment. I have some wonky health challenges and most of them are provoked by stress. I’m not making that up. I see it externally in the form of exhaustion, amongst other things, constant exhaustion.

In reality, it’s proven that our bodies are the best indication of what’s really going on in our lives. We hold past hurts, emotions, stress, anxieties in our body. And those things can cause a wide range of health problems. Our body is the tell.

So why don’t I listen? In my opinion…because our brains make us think we can handle it. Our brains tell us to ignore the symptoms, whether it’s challenges with our body, or any other “tell” we have that we’re out of alignment. In the moment, it’s rare that we take the time to pause and contemplate why we’re seeing the signs that we do. But we should.

And we should not only pay attention, but actually do something about it. Look at what is causing the dissonance, the rumbling, the tell. Maybe we’re engaged in activities that rub up on our values. Or we have situations in our life that are chipping away at us every day, where we’re having to do some heavy lifting to keep the peace. Whatever it is, take steps to create a different situation so that you can bring yourself back in alignment.

That’s not always easy. I find that talking to someone about it helps…a lot! That can be coffee talk, it could be a coach – like me, it could be a trusted advisor, or a therapist – depending on what you’re going through. It requires being open to taking a hard look – and being honest with yourself. For me, I know when I’m not living my authentic life, I start to see signs. What I need to do, what you need to do may be different, but I think it comes back to being authentic. Knowing who I am, who I want to be – who God calls me to be – and taking steps to be there.

So today, I invite you to think about your tell, your red flag warning. If there’s something in your life that’s out of alignment, you’re likely already calling it out, in your actions or in your body. Once you see it, what are you going to do it about it? That’s up to you but do something. I know you’re brave my friends, and you’re worth it.

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