Category: Be Positive

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Brave Enough

Brave enoughI’m currently reading two books called Brave Enough.  One is a book of quotes by Cheryl Strayed and the other is  Nicole Unice and is a faith based book specifically for women. The focus of the later is on being just brave enough for what’s facing you now, and the book narrates how to do that. I love that idea that you don’t have to be Wonder Woman (although…she is the bomb), instead, you just have to be brave enough for what’s in front of you.

This week, I need to be brave enough for a situation which gave me the opportunity to show a great deal of compassion to a friend. It was a situation which could have gone one of two ways. Either I could have been stiff and unfeeling, or I could lean into it and show the compassion and care the situation deserved. I chose the later.

And later in the day, I was exhausted.

It’s interesting to me that allowing myself to show a lot of feelings can be so exhausting, to be honest. I wouldn’t call myself an unfeeling person, but I think I identify with emotion more than deep feelings. Sad = crying, happy = smiling, but feelings that touch my soul, geez man, can I take a pass? At least that used to be my go to.

But now it’s not. I’m finding that what I feel, I feel deeply. I hurt for other people and on the other side, I’m equally joyful for someone in the right situation. It makes me think about what flipped that switch in me. What shifted me from surface level or maybe a couple layers deeper to punch you in the gut level feelings?

I don’t have an answer.

I didn’t grow up in a family that talked much about feelings. It was often said, “Oh, there’s Lisa, crying again.” And I didn’t want to, didn’t desire to be that person. But I was. Over time, you find that it’s easy to stay at a high level. I don’t even know that I had the skills to describe what I was feeling in a lot of the time.

What I think about that is that it keeps feelings in the dark. It can make certain feelings, grief, despair, sadness, scary and seem unacceptable. That’s what happens when things are kept in the dark. They become like secrets. If no one knows you have those feelings, if you power on through, everything will be alright.

I’ve learned that’s far from the truth. Those feelings you hide? They don’t go away. They’re hidden in the darkness. The only way to move those feelings through your body is to be brave enough and actually let yourself feel. When you bring them into the light, you have the experience – yes, and sometimes it sucks – but they can’t stay dark anymore.

Darkness can’t make the darkness go away, only light can do that.

So that’s my authentic journey this week. I was brave enough. I had feelings and I let the light shine on them. Showing compassion, feeling with a friend who was feeling, it was a lot of work. I wouldn’t choose otherwise, but I was aware of it. And talking it about it here? Well that’s continuing to let the light shine on them. We all have deep feelings. When we share the collective lie that we don’t, that’s when the darkness wins.

I hope you’ll be brave enough to shine the light. Let it show on what’s inside you. Share those feelings with people you trust. That’s how light and love wins.

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Celebration can be tricky

celebrate-yourselfYesterday was my first wedding anniversary…or the seventh…we count both. Marriage can be hard, and for my husband and I, it was, and it wasn’t forever. But through healing, forgiveness and reconciliation, we remarried one year ago. So we count one year, and we count the prior six, we’ve earned them.

 

Leading up to our anniversary, I had a sense that it was a celebration. A big deal. I’ve also learned about my husband that he likes to celebrate and he’s really good at it. I’ve fallen short, something I’m aware of and strive to improve. The tangible stuff I do. I looked up the traditional gifts for seven-year anniversaries, copper, ok, worked that in. We’d planned to go away for the weekend, in fact we are away for the weekend as I write this. Santa Cruz – beautiful setting – awesome hotel – couples’ massage (that was his gift to me – score!) – great dinner. A proper weekend getaway to be sure. Of course, my husband started a couple days ago sending me a gorgeous bouquet to work – gaining him major points with the women at work. He outdoes himself for every celebration.

But for me, something is missing inside me. Not just in this celebration, in every situation where there is genuine cause to celebrate. You can guarantee I was not the mom giving trophies for showing up. Sorry boys. There’s something in how my brain is wired that sees accomplishment as an expectation. To say I am a high achiever is an understatement. At least with things I set my mind to. But celebrating those accomplishments? I basically don’t.

It’s not that I think every accomplishment needs fireworks, don’t misunderstand me. What I’ve noticed though is the feeling I have inside. It’s a flat, “ok, so check that one off.” I think about a comment my Dad made to me a couple years ago. I had decided to walk a marathon (I am not a runner – at all – I don’t even fake it). He said to me, “Do you really think you can’t walk a marathon?” No, I was sure I could do it. “Then why do it?” His comment really summed up my thinking. I knew I could do it. Not because I’d trained or was a fast walking champion, I just knew if I started I’d finish. It was the expectation element. So when I did, it was cool and all, but my inside self was flat.

I like celebrating other people, their accomplishments, their success. Seeing their joy, their pride. Joining in that gives me the warm fuzzies. The part I struggle with is the inner feeling of celebration – maybe it’s a self-pride in accomplishment. Not pride in a bad way, but pride in hard work. Whether I can do whatever it is I set my mind to isn’t the point, I still do the work hard to get there. Case in point, my marriage. It was hard work to get where we are today, that is something to celebrate.

And it’s not about other people celebrating me. It’s the inner dialogue. Is anyone else nodding their heads with me? There is value in celebrating your own success, not to the point of negative pride, but in encouragement. You see it throughout history, it’s even in the Bible.  It seems to me it’s a reprogramming for the sake of self-encouragement. It’s not brushing off accomplishment but taking a moment to pause.

Here’s the a-ha moment. It’s about being thankful. Grateful for the gifts and talents God has given you, given me. Thankful you’ve been able to use them to help others. There’s an authentic part to it, recognizing that your talents, your gifts, they make up who you are.  Celebrate how you’ve been able to use them, and continue to use them, as often as you can. Live in that spirit of thankfulness, gratefulness. That, my friends, is how I’ll choose to celebrate, grateful for my inner gifts that drive me to accomplish crazy things at times. Today, I’ll celebrate my gratefulness for the restoration of my marriage, and for my husband.

What do you need to celebrate today? Do it. Bring a spirit of gratefulness to it and just be with yourself, even if just for a moment. I’m celebrating with you.

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Make your choice

I went to high school in a small town in central California. Other than being a gold rush town, I don’t know much else notable about Mariposa (and I apologize to all who live there for not having other interesting factoids). I rode the school bus down from Yosemite each day and for a bunch of teens, an hour each day was a long way. But the good part was that the school pulled in people from all over the region, and so I met a lot of other kids. There’s just a handful I still keep in touch with and I’m on a Girl’s weekend with a couple of them right now.

I was thinking this morning about the interesting turns our lives have taken. How, starting with the same schooling, we’ve ended up being much different people. One is in finance living inSan Francisco and the other in Alaska, a physician. What led us down the paths to where each of us are right now were choices.

I chose to go to UC Davis and after school, quickly entered the Human Resources field. Not too long after that I got married and had my boys. I’ve stayed in California the majority of the time and now live outside Sacramento, still working in HR, kids long gone, with my awesome husband. Through the years though there have been times when i didn’t really choose the path I was on. I let circumstances dictate what I did or didn’t do, the path I was on. In reality that’s making a choice.

I don’t regret the path, it’s uniquely mine, but I’m conscious of not having chose some of the turns. What I was thinking about this morning while getting a deep tissue massage (essential for Girl’s Weekend), was how not making a choice is still a choice. I differentiate that from making a choice to let someone else decide, for example, where to go to dinner, or on vacation. Passively choosing to let others direct your career would be a whole different story. That’s not making a choice.

The thing about not making the choice is that its easier to not hold yourself accountable. Yeah, sit on that for a minute. It’s victim mentality. Things happen to you, but you are not an active participant in your life. Easier to blame others, but really, it’s not about them, it’s about you (or it’s about me). By choosing not to choose, you decide to give your power away.

I’m making a choice not to do that anymore. The authenticity thing again. Being authentic with myself means making choices. I’m not talking about making monumental choices in this moment, per se, I’m talking about making conscious decisions about the direction life takes for me, as an individual and in my marriage. Making choices that bring more love, kindness, peace and joy into life. Whatever happens from there, I’ll own it, because I chose. It’s being brave.

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He so loved the world…

love yourself 2The last few days I’ve been thinking about the concept of love. More specifically, loving myself and others loving themselves. I think it’s pressing on me this week given that today is Easter. The verse from the Bible, “For God so loved the world…” John 3:16, seems particularly significant at this time of the year. What I was thinking about the other day is the idea that God so loved me. God so loved you. And it made me stop for a minute.

Granted, I’ve heard that my whole life and believe it, but I wonder if I ever believed it, believed it in my heart? And why is that? The answer goes a lot deeper. To believe someone, I suppose even God, would love me, I would have to believe that I’m lovable. That doesn’t mean I don’t think people love me, I believe that. But do you ever really think about loving yourself? Knowing others love me is one thing, accepting it is another. Really how can I accept it when I question if I truly love myself.

I wonder if I’m atypical in my thinking? Sometimes we’re told that if we love ourselves we’re prideful, or self-absorbed. Instead, we spend our lives looking for ways to make ourselves better. We work on creating versions of ourselves that we believe meet the expectations of everyone around us. We fight against our true selves. I’ll love myself when…I’m accomplished, I’m the right weight, I’ve really made a difference, fill in the blank. We put it off, holding off unconditional love until we are just right. But will we ever be “just right?”

Probably not. At least not from our perspective. And if we don’t love ourselves unconditionally, how are we going to accept that kind of love from anyone else? From God, from our spouse? Whether or not they put parameters around it, we will. And in doing so we hold ourselves back from experiencing the love that could be ours. I’d even say that it’s a cycle that can undermine our relationships. Shortchanging ourselves of the abundant love that’s there for us, that God intended for us. We dismiss the love others freely give to us because we can’t believe it’s true.

This week during my quiet time, when my mind was supposed to be still, it wasn’t (honestly, it never is), and in wandering, it stumbled over the strongest feeling that I need to lay down what is holding me back from loving myself, just as I am. Honestly, that’s a little scary, the “just as I am,” part. Again though, if I can’t love my authentic self, how can I accept the love others have for me? And so I will. I’ll love myself, just as I am. I invite you the search your heart and honestly love yourself. Bravely examine your heart to determine if you accept love from others, from God. On this Easter day, I believe that we should all look for more love in the world, starting with ourselves and from there, sharing that love with others, just as God intended. I hope I can count you in for taking the journey with me.

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Pilot Lights

Finds what sparks youOver the last few years, I’ve had a saga with my air conditioning. I’ve called my home warranty to fix it every year. A couple years ago, someone came out and whatever was going on led them into the attic. After hours up there and even more time at the unit outside, like magic, I had cool air again. I didn’t think twice about it until the cooler weather rolled around. Something didn’t seem quite right. It was the time of year that was dark outside and cold inside, without the air on, and my heater was not performing up to par. My son and I couldn’t figure it out and I spent a good amount of time on the phone with support trying to make sure my thermostat worked. Finally, they agreed to send someone out. First place the guy went? Attic. When he emerged a short time later, I found out I’d just paid $60 to have him relight my pilot light. Apparently, the guy over the summer put it out during the air fiasco and it doesn’t magically relight itself. Once on, the heat fired up and life was good.

It’s amazing to me that a small spark lights the pilot and it leads to heat throughout the house.

Some of you have followed my coaching journey which has basically been…go through coaching class…get fired up…pass my exam and become a certified coach…watch the fire dwindle. I use it at work at times and don’t get me wrong, it’s enormously helpful. But other than that, my passion to launch into that arena has fizzled somewhat. I think to some degree it’s been self-preservation. Continuing to yearn for something I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around, launching a coaching practice, just made me feel like I was a failure. In my head I thought I had to be in business for myself to be legit. Again, coaching at work fills my passion to some degree, but not entirely.

While I don’t have a coaching practice, I do coach people here and there and after a year had accumulated the hours necessary to apply for the next level coaching certification. I did, but before I could be awarded the certification, I had to take an exam. Boo! Not a fan of tests but Friday, I sucked it up and took it. After more than two hours and losing internet connection twice (leading me to relocate to Starbucks for their reliable internet – and iced green tea, I’m addicted), I got the screen “are you sure you want to submit and be scored?” No, not really. But I did, and I passed.  ACC – check.

Afterwards, I reflected on the feelings I experienced during the exam. It challenged me and excited me at the same time. As I worked through the different situations, it reminded me of the passion I have for coaching. Working with people and helping them find their answers so they can more forward in life. Oddly enough, the exam was like that pilot light in my attic. It sparked the passion I’d put on the back burner.

So now here I am, more letters behind my name – for whatever that’s worth – and a renewed passion for the field I found later in life, but that I think life prepared me for. How I keep the passion engaged is a bit unknown to me right now, but I don’t want to lose the spark, the pilot light, that fires up the whole thing. I’ll keep using it the way I am now, but I’m looking for more. If I’m being authentic, I have to be honest and say I’ve likely been a bit fearful and that’s held me back. Fearful of failing. But I’ve also learned that failing is ok because I’ll learn from it.

Even though I don’t know what’s next, what I do know is that I’ll be brave. I’ve held myself back on many things in life and I’m about done with that. Are you holding back? Stopping yourself from living out your gifts and talents, your passion out of fear? Come along with me then. If we fail, we fail, but we can say we step out and lived bravely.

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Who do you compare to?

comparisonI’ve been doing a women’s devotional called the Comparison Trap by Sandra Stanley. It stems from a series of sermons her husband, Andy Stanley, gave where he talks about that battle with Er. Have you heard of it? The battle to be prettier, wealthier, thinner, happier, craftier… pick our own Er battle, but the truth is we all have them. Pinterest, love it, daily user, not gonna lie, gives you opportunities every day to feel less-er, comparing to the glorious homes, birthday parties, glam that others have going for them. Beyond the Joanna Gaines inspired homes I recently perused, there are many other ways we compare each day – Facebook, Instagram, you name it – people putting on their best game for us to view, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling less than.

In the devotional yesterday, I was challenged to look at what I’m jealous of, envious, where I’m dissatisfied. Here’s the straight up truth. Yes, I desire the beautifully decorated homes, but if I think of others, I’m not jealous of them. Other people who have more? I’m genuinely happy for them. And as I did the exercise, I thought I must be missing it if I didn’t have jealously, but I don’t. Then it hit me. The a-ha moment.

It’s not others I’m comparing to, it’s myself.

My own standards for excellence.

Ouch – that smack in the face hurts.

The comparison battle I wage is with myself. I fight a battle to reach a standard of excellence I’ve created in my mind. I have this ideal that has evolved over the years that I compare myself to every day. It starts each morning when I get dressed. Pants a little snug? Falling short there. Miss something at work? Yep, another shortcoming. Haven’t cleaned my house this week? Cooked a 5-star meal for my husband? All areas where I think I should be performing. Not in comparison to anyone else, but against the vision of myself I’ve created over the years. And I suppose that was based on the barrage of messages I’ve received from many, many sources, over the years. The challenge today is that it’s become engrained in my mind as who I should be.

As I sat and thought about that reality yesterday, I was not a fan. Not one little bit. My battle is an internal one, my mind playing out a storyline that’s not true. So how to stop it?

The same way I stopped the comparison to other people. Over the years, I’ve shifted my thinking to appreciate other people instead of being jealous or envious of them. I appreciate beauty in others. Would rather share their success than envy it. Celebrate their creativity and gain insight from them. Genuinely admire their individuality and know that their journey is theirs alone, not one I must mirror.

It’s the same thinking that leads to surrender in my own battle, and in yours. For me, shifting to appreciating myself, my circumstance, as unique unto me, for my own purpose, is the same as the shift that can happen in you.

It’s a challenge for me, it’s raw, but it’s also part of the authenticity journey I’ve chosen for this year. I know that many of you face comparison battles of your own. I get it. Today, could each of us choose to appreciate instead of compare? Be brave enough to turn the mirror to look at and appreciate ourselves for the unique people we are? And then celebrate each other? It’s a choice to love…ourselves and others. I hope you’ll make it with me.

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Love and Fear

love and fearMy mind has been swirling around a central theme for at least a month now which is the idea that all feelings, emotions, come from either love or fear. As I’ve rolled that around, I find that it’s coming up all over the place. Podcasts I listen to, books, devotionals I’m reading…all of which feels like a confirmation that my thoughts are well placed for the season I’m in.

One of the ways I’m testing the idea is to evaluate emotions I’m having against it. I’ll find myself feeling warm and fuzzy inside after seeing my son – and there is love. Or maybe I’m anxious about a conversation I need to have – fear. As I’ve gone through this mental exercise, I’ve found that it holds water.

Next I started thinking about God. How God loves us and desires for us to love others. I think about some of the rules in the Bible. They seem restrictive and harsh, but I believe they are there because God loves us, wants protect us, or, applying context, to protect people from the what was happening at the time, risks inherently associated with that time period, or from societal situations at the time. Let’s get real. Bacon wasn’t meant to be restricted forever, just when people couldn’t store pig properly and were likely getting trichinosis. Everything’s better with bacon (at least in theory…love the smell but don’t eat it much). You get the picture.

So if I believe that all emotions and feelings come from love or fear, which one am I going to choose? Every time, I can’t emphasize that enough, every time,  I’ll choose love. I’ve been focused for awhile on just loving others, so building in this principle is just an add on. What I’ve noticed is that loving on others is not hard, and it shifts me from a space where I may be quick to judge to one where I appreciate. I appreciate people for who they are. I get curious and try to understand them better. I want to know where they’re coming from, the shoes they’ve walked in.

I’ve also noticed that applying the love or fear idea to others has allowed me to stay in the tension, so to speak, with them. If they’re angry, I want to know what the fear is, because anger stems from fear. And by taking that approach, it helps remind me to not take it personally. Too often we get spun up in a situation because we take how someone is behaving personally. It’s not about us. They may think it’s about us, but it’s not, at least deep down it’s not. And the same is true when you’re the one whose upset. You may think it’s about someone else but keep asking yourself questions until you get to the bottom of it, you’ll find it’s about something in you.

As I define my authentic self, I know with absolute certainty that love is part of who I am. Loving others is a significant aspect component in my life. Finding ways to show love, to care for others, it’s my hearts’ desire. But I still have fear. There are still the days when I create the great American novel in my head telling the story of what someone else must be thinking, or assigning motive to their actions. That story describes behavior I don’t understand. Fear drives that.

When I stop and look at it from a place of love, the story stays written on paper and not in my head. Each of us has the ability to break emotion and feelings down to the basics of love and fear and I’d encourage you to try. Consider your feelings objectively and then choose to feel from a space of love, just as God does. Love yourself and love others. That’s it.

 

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What is your gift?

share your giftsI am creative. There, I said it. And now? Breaking out in a cold sweat mitigated only by my tasty Starbucks coffee. Let’s up the stakes a little. I am creative and I am going to write a book. Really. Now that I’ve said it I feel a little queasy. It feels a bit like pride, but it’s not pride to accept and state a gift that God has given you. Why is it that it’s so hard to embrace our own talents and gifts?

This weekend I’m volunteering at a training session for the coaching program I went through. As I sit in the back of the class I’m reminded of the emotions I went through when I participated in the program. There was one exercise where you had to identify qualities you appreciate about yourself, your gifts. As if that wasn’t hard enough, you had to “phone a friend,” and do the same. Nope. Not doing that. I remember it clearly. Saying in my head, “not doing that.” Instead I texted. What I got back was so touching. Now this isn’t a regular process you’re going to go through, think of it, “Hey, what do you like about me?” Every day? No. But in this context, there was value.

So often I believe we play small. We listen to that voice inside us that is quick to remind of failure or tell us that we don’t deserve to be happy, be content, be ________ – it’s different for all of us.

But it’s also the same. One of the awesome parts of the volunteering weekend is that a friend of mine from the coaching program is here with me. We’ve had great conversations and something I notice is that we have many of the same challenges. Truth is, we all go through similar challenges – alone. No one wants to talk about the struggles. We cruise along like we have it all together, even when we don’t. Somewhere along the way we’ve adopted the idea that we must have it all together, or at least make others believe it. We compare ourselves to other people, which is, in my opinion, one of the worst things we can do for ourselves. If we’re comparing, it’s only to the stuff we can see, what they choose to show us. That doesn’t account for all the struggle they’ve been through, the hard stuff.

What if, when you started to compare yourself to another person, you paused and thought about the whole person? They may have the perfect, fit, body, but what if you also knew that their parents divorced when they were young, and that they struggled with anorexia, and had crippling anxiety? You don’t see that on the outside. What if instead you looked at them from a place of appreciation, or admiration and love. Just loving them for the person they are instead of comparing. Learn to truly know those around you rather than making judgements, which is – to a degree – what comparison is.

I’d include our own selves in that too. What if we learned to appreciate ourselves, our gifts? What if we gave ourselves grace for the hard times we’ve been through – and we’ve all been through them – they might look different but are there nonetheless.

This leads me back to the book. I’m going to get out of my own way and do it. I was trying to make it complicated, map out a plan, set up time frames, blah, blah, blah. I was comparing to the Pinterest way of writing a book – there’s plenty out there on it, seemed right to follow one of those plans. My coaching friend, Karla, asked me how I write this blog, what I love about writing. Honestly, it’s being creative and pouring what’s in my head onto paper. There’s no plan. If you’re here often, you can probably see that. It’s what I’m thinking about today. She asked me why a book needs to be different? Truth is, it doesn’t. Wisdom in that.

What are you trying to complicate that in, reality, is simple? What gifts do you have that you keep on a shelf or keep small? God didn’t give you those gifts to stay hidden. It feels a little weird if I’m being honest, grab hold of those gifts and use them! It’s part of the authenticity journey. It’s being brave. I’d love to hear your gifts, your talents. Let’s encourage each other instead of comparing, we’re in this together, every step of the way.

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Love ALL the Parts

no one claps forI keep thinking about the massage I had in Sonoma a couple weeks ago during my Treat Yo’ Self weekend. It capped off what was a relaxing weekend of trying to just be with myself. One of the biggest a-ha moments came for me during that massage. For the first time, probably ever, someone paid attention to my stump, the part of my foot that remained after having it amputated when I was 4. Let me say that again, for the first time ever…ever, someone paid attention to it – outside of when it’s been looked at as part of a medical exam, or if something is wrong, or that leg is in pain, or when my nieces beg to look at it. You get the picture.

And it struck me so strongly, because I’d never really thought about it. I believe that having an amputation when you’re young makes it immensely easier. I grew up with it and learned how to do anything I wanted to with it. There was hilarity around it in high school, we used it for pranks, but because my leg is inside a prosthesis, I never paid attention to the part that is actually my body. To a large degree, that’s an ok thing. (Side note, I don’t want to leave anyone with the idea that my leg was a disability, or a hindrance to me. It really wasn’t, that’s not my point here.)

But…what’s lingered in my mind was the sense that I hadn’t just ignored it, that perhaps what I’d done is neglect it. Think about a part of yourself, a part that is different maybe, and imagine that you never did anything but routine care for it. Imagine if you did that with someone you love, your child, your spouse. They would wither. Fade. Shrink. They might even get angry, or sad.

Stay with me.

Imagine that part of you that is different, or that you don’t like. And you ignore it, you ignore you. It doesn’t go away. It’s part of you. To not like, not love, a part of you…it’s likely not just that part of you that starts to fade, to wither, it’s all of you. Sit with it for a minute. We read about loving ourselves, and I firmly believe in that. And I also know that’s something I’m still working on. Shoot, I about choke if I try to say that I love myself out loud…alone in my room. But it’s the goal.

How am I, or really, how are any of us, supposed to truly love ourselves if there are parts of us, in my case, an actual limb, that are ignored? That I sort of pretend isn’t there. I don’t hide it or deny it, I just roll on without caring for it as I would another part of myself. And what do you do with that?

I think what you do is something different. In my case, if I really do want to love myself, I need to love all of myself, good, different, bumpy, wrinkly…the whole enchilada. Even thinking about it makes me a little queasy, no joke. And maybe I’m thinking about it too much. I just need to do it. Right now it’s just thoughts in my head. Those are nothing if I don’t act.

Now I’m turning the mirror on you. What part of you do you hide, or ignore, or dislike? Whatever it is, it’s part of you. You can wish to change it, and maybe you can, but loving all the parts of you at the end of the day is so important. My heart was so sad to realize what I’d been doing, or rather, not doing. That part of me, my stump, my leg, it’s me. It’s Lisa. What I went through with it…that’s part of my story…part of what made me brave…it’s part of the authentic me. And you? You’re uniquely made with all the parts of you. Love them. Love you. And take that love and share it with others.

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Treat Yo’Self

Treat Yo SelfTreat Yo’Self was a repeating bit on Parks and Recreation, an awesome, hilarious show that I binged with my husband last year. Tom and Donna would go all out and have a day dedicated to indulging in shopping, good food and things that made them feel ‘treated’. I latched on to the idea and have waited for an opportunity to treat my self.  And I made it happen last week.

The plan was…go to Sonoma, alone, stay at an indulgent hotel, relax poolside, go to the spa, the mineral pools, get a massage, do some yoga…and spend time in personal reflection. I did all those things! Not kidding. What was interesting was the narrative going on in my mind the entire time. Let me break it down.

My mind is rarely still. As much as I wanted it to be a weekend where I was at peace, resting my mind and body, my mind was cheated. In fact, it seemed like it may have been on overdrive. Massage…should be a quiet time in my brain, right? No dice. As much as I tried, the thoughts kept floating back. It got to the point where I even talked to the massage therapist about it. Karli told me that it was not uncommon for people to struggle with keeping their mind still. Great…but didn’t get me closer to my objective. When I finally decided to stop resisting and just listen to myself, here’s what I noticed.

I think a lot about responsibility. About home, work, marriage, friends, what to make for dinner, how will the house get clean since I’m laying on a massage table…all kinds of responsibility that come with those areas of life. And it’s a matter of juggling in my head. Keeping all the balls in the air. In reality, I’ve realized that a lot of those balls aren’t supposed to be mine in the first place. I am the only one who has an expectation that I keep them up.

Deep breath…there’s also a worthiness element to it. In my mind I question whether I’mForgiveness in the fire worthy enough to take the time to treat myself. Sadly, I know I’m not alone in this. Just that thought makes me sad. But not enough that I don’t have the thoughts. I have a shame loop that plays in my head. One which I’m working on letting go of, but which is set on shuffle. Which past situation will play in my head today and push me back down, keep me small? I want those thoughts to subside and I work diligently to release them. I’ve been writing a letter to myself, forgiving myself for the things I’ve done that caused me to feel that way, that developed the shame playlist. I added to that letter last week and then I burned it – at the fancy hotel – in their decorative fire pit. Thankfully, no one was around to witness it. I mean, I think I may have gotten a little flack for burning the letter in the gas fire pit, maybe? That would have defeated the release for sure. Do I feel better after burning it? A little. And that’s ok. If I can feel a little better at a time, it will add up, I’m sure of it!

There were plenty of other aha moments that I’ll spare you of but the last, really, really big one happened during my massage. I did this whole chocolate cinnamon body scrub followed by an hour massage. Could I eat the scrub? Yes, but I refrained. I think I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have a foot so I wear a prosthetic leg. Because it was a scrub, I took my leg off – something I don’t normally do for a massage. And my gal Karli scrubbed that leg and foot too. Dramatic pause… Because here’s the thing, that leg, that part of me, and the experience of going through it at a young age, it’s something that’s always there but not something I pay a lot of attention to. So to have attention paid to the physical limb, it rocked me a little bit. It was a punch in the gut if I’m honest. What am I going to do about it? Well, I’m rolling that around in my head and honestly, I’m fairly certain I’ll be writing about it again soon.

But I’ll leave you today with these thoughts. Treat Yo Self? It’s awesome and everyone should do it. What happens in your mind, what happened in mine? That’s part of the journey. My treat yo’self weekend likely looks different than yours. Awesome! Whatever it is that makes you feel special – do that! There are many in the world who would say it’s indulgent – I don’t care. It’s part of my authentic journey. Take time now and then to give yourself the care you are giving others.  Be brave my sweet friends, you owe it to yourselves.