Courage Archives - Page 9 of 9

October 30, 2016

About a Girl

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to me, at 49, to be a woman…and it’s bringing up quite a few thoughts and stirrings in my heart. I was born in 1967 which was around the same time the women’s movement was gaining a lot of steam in the United States. The push was for equality. Women should be seen as equal to men, just as able to succeed in business as men, earn as much as men… a lot of that sentiment has carried through my life. The women of the generation directly before me, my mother’s generation, were warriors for this cause. So wouldn’t it be natural for the daughters to follow?

And we did. We pushed ahead, we earned our own money, took care of our own needs. Many of us decided career first, then a husband – maybe, and then children – maybe. Of the group of women I grew up with, several either chose not to have children or by the time their careers had shifted, so had their desires about having children. For those of us who did get married and have children, we still succeeded at work, pushing to higher levels within our company so that we could be “equal,” with men. And we are…except, we’re not.

We’re not equal, but that’s what has been pushed on us. That doesn’t mean that we can’t have the same types of jobs as men, because we can. But we have different expectations placed on us by society, and sometimes by ourselves. We can work, but we also bear and take care of our children, take care of our homes, hold everything together for everyone else…but often don’t take care of ourselves. I don’t say all this to whine, not at all. I say it because, for me, I’m realizing that somewhere in the push to be equal and prove that I could succeed and be responsible, I forgot to be a woman.

I forgot about taking care of me. I lost a good deal of my femininity. I had to be one of the boys, so where’s the room in that to be a girl? I don’t think we’re equal to men, because we are different. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be treated the same, but it’s being treated different because we’re women more than equal because we act like men. I want to reclaim that femininity! As I reach the cusp of 50, I’m ready to find that girl again. To take care of her, and, quite honestly, to be a little girly. Maybe not all my girlfriends out there lost some of that feminine side, but I did, and I want it back.
If I haven’t chased you away by this post already, just think about it. In your chase for equal did you lose some of the unique and beautiful aspects that make you a woman? You deserve to discover those parts, to let the world see those parts of you and to celebrate them. We are women and we should do this together, come alongside each other and show support. If you need a person, I’ll be right there with you. Be that girl again…

October 23, 2016

I’m not laughing at you…

dont-take-it-personally Yesterday morning I was in the locker room at the gym after my swim (and as a side note, since I always swim in the pre-dawn hours, it was an awesome to actually enjoy the sunrise while I swam!) and this woman next to me dropped her keys, and then a second set of keys. And I laughed. Not because I was laughing at her, laughing because that’s a situation I often find myself in. So I offered the familiar, “I’m not laughing at you…”

I really thought about it though, and the truth is, I really wasn’t laughing at her, I was laughing at myself. I spill – and am a master at the clean-up, drop, stumble, fumble, you name it. So my laughter was in camaraderie, kindred spirit. It made me think about how easy it is to think that the laughter, the comments, are about me, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.

Each of us has this internal ego that takes the wheel and drives our thoughts, our actions. I don’t mean ego in a bad way, per se. Ego defined is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Think about it, when we’re babies, the world seems to revolve around us. Parents, grandparents, everyone is looking at us, oohing and awing, it’s no wonder we develop that sense of self-importance.

But at some point, we can choose to either continue believing and acting like the world revolves around us, or we can make different choices. For one, it’s a lot of work being the center of our universe. Everything is considered in terms of how it impacts us, when in fact, it’s really about the other person. In his book, “The Four Agreements,” one of the principles Miguel Ruiz teaches to have love and happiness in our lives is:

“Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

When I read this, it really hit home. I was in the midst of a difficult personal situation where I felt like everything the other person did was directed at me. Taken in this context, how another person reacts or “shows up” in their relationship with others has more to do about them than about us. Our ego tells us that it’s about us, when it’s not. It tells us that they’re laughing at us, when their laughter is more likely something in themselves they’re laughing at.

If we take the principle of not taking what others say personally, not letting our ego do the driving, it truly does save us a lot of suffering. A lot of unnecessary wondering ,worrying, creating our own story about what others must have meant by their comment. If we can resist personalizing, resist “they’re laughing at me,” it allows us to show up more authentically, give more of our real selves, and have more empathy. Give it a try, truly laugh with someone today. Realizing that we are more alike than different, if you ask me, there’s a lot of comfort in that…not to mention someone else with expertise in spill clean-up…I could use the help!

October 16, 2016

Emotions are not for sissies

mood-swing I think being “emotional” gets a bad rap. Granted, I’m a girl, so I have more leeway to be emotional, but even so, they’re not always accepted, especially the negative ones. Anger, frustration, irritation…sadness…grief I think you get away with if you have a reason people understand, but grief over the loss of a relationship, for example, no go. And crying? Geez, it’s trouble in the making. Don’t do it at work, bottle it up, make it go away, don’t let anyone see you…oh wait, maybe those are just my experiences.

But the thing is, I AM emotional. I’ve spent the last 48 years 364 days bottling all of it up though. There have been periods where it came out and even I couldn’t explain or understand it. Crying that would never end. That was a few years ago, a forgettable phase I think many women this age could understand and happily live without. For the most part though, I’ve tried to be bright and sunny, but I’m not, at least not all the time. I’ll start to cry but then use all my secret ninja tricks to try and make it stop. Stuff it down. Ladies, am I alone in this?

Over the last year, I’ve tried to get better at letting myself have emotion, acknowledge it and not just brush it away. It’s been marginally successful. Rarely do I let myself have a good cry. Really though what is that? A good cry? Seems counter intuitive. If I start to feel angry, I’ll play with it a little bit, but there’s no monster coming out. But I need to let myself feel emotion. As I’ve gone through my coaching training, part of it, as I think I’ve talked about, is looking at your own stuff, your own crap I like to say. Helpful, incredibly helpful, but exhausting. It’s a non-stop barrage of processing emotion. Ah-ha’s are great, but it’s often a fist fight with myself to get there.

I think we often don’t acknowledge how hard it can be to process emotion, to have and feel emotion. When I used to ride my bike a lot, I rode with a group and I remember this one ride where my friend was trying to explain to me how to keep up with the guys. She said that sometimes you have to practically turn yourself inside out with effort, leave it all on the road. I think that’s how processing emotions can be at times. I think part of why I started riding my bike in the first place was to escape having to feel emotions, to process them, I just rode away from them, at least for that day. Not the healthiest from an emotional standpoint, but I did get a lot of relief, endorphin’s are a great thing.

Yesterday I was talking through some tough stuff with someone I care about, and it was hard, good, but hard. Today…I feel raw…like I’ve turned myself inside out. That same feeling as doing it in a physical sense during a hard effort. I worked hard to be transparent, to stay in the space, to share my heart instead of saying I was “fine.” Again, all good stuff, stuff that can bring people close together, but not for sissies. Stuff you fight your way through, fight with yourself and that instinct to keep bottled up vs. the freedom of just expressing.

I think to fail to recognize how hard it can be to process emotion is to undercut ourselves. There’s no right or wrong way, per se, to process emotion. We all do it in our own way. But if your way was like my way, stuff it down, I’m here to tell you that won’t last forever. Taking the time to understand yourself, to be brave and talk about how you feel, even if the only person you’re telling is yourself, well that’s worth it. You are worth it. You might feel like you left part of you on the side of the road, and maybe you did, but that’s often a good thing, don’t let it stop you and don’t turn back for it. I’m right there with you.

October 9, 2016

Big Brave Post

just-being-is-fun It’s no secret that I’m becoming a certified life coach. Amazing program! But here’s the thing about it, to coach others, you have to deal with your stuff. What I’m finding is the more I deal with it, the more I realize about myself. So it’s a combo of “Yay!” and “Oh, crap.”

Not dissimilar to anyone else, as I’ve moved through life, I’ve had experiences from which I create thoughts about the world and thoughts about myself. We get messages from the people who are close to us and from the world around us about what’s “expected.” But how each of us hears those messages is different, and unique, depending on our own circumstances. The message I “heard” which really means the message I interpreted, was “be strong.”

It seems like too easy of an answer, but I think a lot of that comes from having had my foot amputated when I was 4. I was blessed that my family and really my friends never treated me like I was any different than anyone else. Except that, I was. So, although not consciously, I set about proving that to be true. Because my “difference” was external, I tried to show through my physical self that I was not only normal, whatever that is, but that I could do whatever I wanted to do. And really, I have. I’ve had amazing adventures on my bike, last year I decided to start walking half marathons and then a full marathon, then I took up open water swimming… all of which was awesome.

But in my head, I never hit the bar. Each time I’d accomplish something, the bar would move. I’d set a higher goal, thinking that if I’d already, for example, ridden 100 miles, that riding 200 seemed like a better idea, because that would really prove something. To who though? To me? In theory I suppose.

Stick with me because here was the punch in the gut. It doesn’t seem like this should have taken me 49 years to figure out, but it did. What I’ve done, what I set out to do, that’s not who I am. When I project that version of myself, the tough, strong self, people don’t really get to know me, the me that’s on the inside. I get that the external stuff is part of who I am, and I’ve had some great experiences. But it is only part of me. It’s the bright and shiny that distracts me from really embracing who I am on the inside. To some degree, it’s the “on stage” version of me. Making myself feel like I’m “on stage” all the time is exhausting…and I do it to myself…no one else really expects it and they don’t get to know the real me, the backstage version.

So here’s the big brave part. I’m setting a new goal. It’s to just be. To not prove. To acknowledge to myself that I’m squishy. That parts of me may not seem normal, but they’re normal to me. I’m not always tough, and that’s ok. I don’t need to keep raising the bar. God knew I’d turn out like, He created me like this. If it’s ok for Him, it’s going to be ok for me too.

What would that look like for you? To just be? Try it, be brave. I believe you’ll find you’re pretty amazing.

October 3, 2016

Lost and Found – Joy

Play it safe joy . One of Lisa’s cardinal rules. I think it started when I was fairly young. Limit risk, know what you’re getting into. Lots of contingency planning, back up plans. Before I get into anything, I’ve usually done extensive research, made sure I know how it could go wrong and make plans to avoid that. I don’t want to deal with things going wrong. I want things nice and buttoned up, within my control, that’s what safe looks like.

So how’s that working for you? Yep, that’s the question I’ve been rolling around in my head, that I’ve been asked. Well, nice and safe, that’s how that’s working. And on the surface, that seems fine, I had a lot going on with my kids, work, family, lots of responsibilities to tend to. So keeping my risks down makes a lot of sense. No time for things to go wrong. But they still did go wrong. And in the meantime, I’d been so busy playing it safe I hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that there wasn’t a lot of joy in my life. It’s hard to have joy where you’re busy being serious all the time.

And it’s also hard to really know what joy is when you don’t let yourself experience the other side, the pain. Staying safe avoids pain. Doesn’t mean you avoid difficulty, but safe steers you around a lot of pain. Don’t be fooled though, the pain can still come, it just comes unexpectedly. Comes when your safe existence is shaken, or shattered.

But if you walk through the pain, when, not if, you survive it, an interesting thing can happen. You start to see more joy, at least I did. Something about the pain strips away your defenses. When I let myself be outside the lines, not be so safe, I starting seeing joy. Joy in the simple things. Joy in every day. Joy that God has had for me all along. I started feeling deeper. My heart felt more compassion for others, more understanding.

When I stopped playing it so safe, that’s when I woke up. That’s when I saw what I’d really been doing. Where the path I’d been walking down had led me. It caused me to rethink choices I’d made, ways I’d engaged with people I cared about. And I didn’t like some of what I saw. But I’d learned what pain felt like now, and it helped me to be brave. I had hard conversations. And there was some pain, because admitting when you’ve made mistakes – even when in the spirit of just staying safe, which you’ve used to justify what you’ve done in the past – it hard.

What’s the point of going down that hard path again? The once elusive joy now shows up more and more often. The braver I am, the more I lean into discomfort, the more joy and peace I’m experiencing. And that is an amazing thing. Give it a try!

September 25, 2016

Will you help me?

help-me I’m a round-about asker, I don’t like to ask people directly to help me. Here’s what that looks like.

Me (to the air and family by-standers): “Looks like the trash is ready to go out.”

Family by-standers: Silence

Me: “Yep, after lunch, the trash really needs to go out.”

Family by-standers: Silence, accompanied with putting more in the trash.

Me: “Would be nice if someone would take out the trash.”

Family by-standers: “What’s for dinner?”

Me: Exacerbated “I guess I’ll take the trash out.”

Family by-stander: “I would’ve done that – you just had to ask.”

But I don’t want to ask. I want them to know that I need the trash taken out, that I need help. Oh wait, I guess that means I presume they are wired exactly like me, but they’re not, and so I get myself all wound up and frustrated.

Why is it so hard to ask for help? I think, especially for women, it’s tough. I, for one, have such a need to be seen as having it all together, keeping all the balls in the air. But the truth is, I don’t have it all together. I’ve spent a lot time thinking about that, that hesitancy. A lot of it has to do with not wanting to look incapable, or look “less than.” I was recently encouraged to flip that around though, think about what I would think if someone asked me to help them. The truth is, I would think, “awesome, would love to help,” and I would be appreciative of having been asked.

I was thinking about this in relation to prayer the other day. I know that in the past, I have rarely asked friends to pray for me. Will ask for prayer for my family, people I care about, but rarely for me. If I can’t ask someone to help me, how possibly could I ask someone to do something as personal as pray for me?? That would mean I’m vulnerable, that I have problems, that my life is not perfect. Oh wait, in fact my life is not perfect. If yours is, awesome, but you’re an anomaly. We all have stuff. The way I’m wired though is to show people bright and shiny, not the hot mess side. If you see the hot mess side, you might not want to stick around – at least that’s what I’ve told myself. Except the thing is, I think people do see the hot mess side, and they care about me anyways, they stick around. Well that’s just crazy, I think, but my heart warms a little at the thought.

I asked a friend at work to pray for me the other day, and she thanked me for letting her pray for me. I was blown away. I’d never thought that someone would be thankful to pray for me. But back to the flip side thing, I’d be happy and feel blessed to pray for them. Why I’m so hard on myself, or minimize that other people may care about my needs is all part of my stuff, the hot mess side. What is finally starting to sink in though is the truth… to the same degree that I care about, want to help, want to pray for people, they feel the same about me. I can show up exactly as I am, not hiding any of the messy stuff, and that’s going to be ok with my family, my friends, those I care about. Knowing that is still sinking in. What is sinking in is that if people already see some of that messy side of me, I don’t have to spend as much time worrying about being bright and shiny, they’re going to care about me anyway.

So for you…people love you, care about you, want to help you, want to pray for you, just like you do for them. If we can really, in our hearts, believe that, believe how blessed we really are, it’s a pretty freeing feeling. Go on, give it a try, I’ll help you.

September 18, 2016

What’s your Get out of Jail Free card?

get-out-of-jail-free If you are among the 1% or less of the population who hasn’t played Monopoly, there are spaces on the board that send you to jail. Your best bet at that point is to use a “get out of jail free card.” It will get you off this spot and back into play without having to roll doubles or pay a $50 fine. I’ve been wondering if we don’t all have a get out of jail free card as it relates we use in our life.

I think about a lot of stuff, particularly with respect to figuring out how I’m wired, and how I show up in life, to myself and to others. So to get to that, I’ve been looking at what I value and a big standout is being responsible. For me, being responsible is a big deal. My wiring is to be responsible in everything I do. Here’s what that looks like. I take care of my home – it’s neat and clean all the time; I show up for work, every day, even when I’m sick; I work hard, and long, and put forth 110% effort; I take care of other people, family, friends, from the standpoint of their visible needs…providing, cooking, attending to their visible needs; I take care of my physical body by exercising (granted, this one brings me a lot of energy). Being responsible in these ways is how I was raised, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

It’s occurred to me lately though that I’m missing part of the picture. I think being responsible is a bit of a get out of jail free card for me. Here’s why. When I am doing all the things I think are responsible, I’m too busy to just be. I don’t, or maybe I avoid, spending time on myself, my inner needs. I’m starting to see that I use being responsible as my “Get out of jail free” card. I don’t have time for nurturing myself because I’m busy doing all the time. Nurturing myself means slowing down, letting other things go – maybe – so that I can just rest. Rest my body, nurture my body, nurture my spirit. Honestly, just thinking about it makes me break into a nervous sweat. If I’m not Lisa the responsible person – responsible as I’ve defined it, than who am I, am I letting myself, or others, down?

But I’m also learning, realizing, that just being with myself is as important, or maybe more important, than all the other things I do. AND, I’m realizing that all the doing and “responsibility” is a way my inner critic keeps me small, covers up those fears that I have about being seen as I am on the inside. Keeps me from truly experiencing life and relationships. Tells me that doing is part of my worth. In reality, my worth IS on the inside, comes from God who made me just as I am, it’s not dependent on what I do. How am I going to know that though if I’m so busy doing? That doesn’t give me time to just be with myself and be with others. The truth is, to have deeper relationships, I need to get comfortable in the space of being with myself, and being with others. Redefine my truth. Responsibility is a strength, but not what defines me. It’s not “jail” to take care of me, my heart, my spirit, and it’s not “jail” to take care of others in the same way.

What is your get out of jail free card? That excuse you use (probably subconsciously) to avoid fully engaging in life? It’s different for each of us because we are different, we are unique, and that’s an awesome thing. I think that we don’t really need that card because where we are, who we are, is not really jail at all, we’re worth embracing, worth getting to know, worth acknowledging our own needs, worth being brave enough to see ourselves as we are. If we try to escape that, to avoid it, we miss developing the gifts that we have to give ourselves and give to others. So I’m going to sit in that space, to just be, and invite you to ditch the get out jail free card too, the excuse that keeps you “safe.” Lean in to the discomfort because if we don’t ever feel it, we may not feel the flip side which is fully experiencing our lives.