Category: Keep Going

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On Becoming Resilient

IMG_6517There’s a famous scene in the movie “Moonstruck,” with Cher and Nicholas Cage where Cage’s character, Ronny, tells Loretta (Cher) that he loves her. She responds with a couple slaps across the face and says, “snap out of it!” Cher won an Oscar for that role and the scene became iconic.

Wouldn’t it be great if, in the midst of struggle, we actually could simply “snap out of it?” But too often, life doesn’t work that way. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit and it seems to me that one component of this equation is the degree to which we are resilient. We may want to say we’re resilient but is that what we’re practicing? While I’d like to think that resilience comes naturally, I don’t know that it does for all of us.

Start with the idea that we’re all wired differently. We have our normal way of being, a set point, to start with. If you think about it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being low and 10 being the Everything is AWESOME song from the Lego movie, each of us has a point which is “normal” for us. I might be a 6, you might be a 9, the guy sitting next to you might be a 3. No right, no wrong, normal for each of us. That point is the way you look at life, your approach. It’s the half full half empty idea.

At some point in our lives, we will face disappointment, or setback, and it’s in those moments that our resilience is tested. In context of our “set point,” we think about how far you’re knocked off course when difficulties in life arise. Do you go from an 8 to a 1 or from an 8 to a 5? Again, no right or wrong, just our natural wiring. The more we’re knocked off course, the greater effort it is to “snap out of it,” and get back to your status quo.

Resilience is something we can build, it’s a skill. It’s the ability to tackle adversity and have the strength to move through problems instead of parking on them. You can change the length of time it takes to rebound after a challenge, return to your set point. But when you’re in the middle of the tornado is not the time to focus on improving your resiliency. The time is when you’re not feeling like Dorothy, lost in Oz.

I consider myself a resilient person. I had challenges as a child and learned to adapt, maybe partially as a survival skill, but adapted nonetheless. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that when I’m under stress in general, I am less resilient. When I’m balancing 5 plates on each arm, back to my days waiting tables, all it takes is a small blip to throw me off course. But that’s not always the case. When life is humming along, challenges slide off like water on a duck.

In order to increase resilience, we need practice, and I’d hazard a guess that life is constantly giving us situations to practice. The time to try on resilience is not in the middle of a tornado, it’s in the everyday situations that come up in life. The small hurdles. Start by overcoming the small things…changed plans…a difficult conversation…a disappointment…before tackling the big stuff. Reframe. If you believe a situation is apocalyptic – you’ll approach it like that and your mental game might start swimming. It’s only a change, just a conversation, it’s not cataclysmic. You can mediate, practice mindfulness, be compassionate with yourself.

When we practice resilience, you won’t necessarily “snap out of it,” but you can minimize the degree to which you’re thrown off course. Increase the speed at which you’re back on track. Swirling in a negative perception of your life doesn’t move you towards the life that’s available for you to live, if you choose it. Honestly, I have to make these choices every day, and it’s not always easy. But worth it. Being brave is always worth it because let our authentic self shine in those moments. Be brave friends, be kind to yourself, and keep going.

 

 

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Lean into what brings you joy

What brings you joyI make cards for my husband. I started writing the cards when we were courting – moving towards reconciling our marriage. I write a little bit of what’s on my heart each day and then when the card is full, I leave them lying on our shared desk for him. The first few times, I bought cards. But then I thought I’d try something new and started painting them. Let’s be clear though, I am an accidental artist.

You see, Pinterest is my muse. I see something I want to try, usually I’m not even sure I can do it. But I know I can give it a college try. Now I make cards for him, for birthdays, for the office, and the pure act of creating brings me joy, especially when it’s for someone else.

I started to figure out along the way that joy was possible this way. I’d start a creative project and completely lose track of time. It was a little like meditation. My mind would focus on what was in front of me, nothing else. I can remember other creative projects I’ve tried in the past – short lived – thankfully there are no photos, but I was all in.

That’s how it is with writing. The other day I was wrapping up an online class I too, Daring Leader, through Brene Brown. Great class (don’t go looking for it though – she’s taken it down and created new content to coincide with her new book coming out in October – Dare to Lead) and as part of the final assessment I had to provide essay answers to a few questions demonstrating that I’d actually learned something and not just phoned it in. Because the course content is within my sweet spot, inner work for outer results, I became immersed and lost track of time.  It brought me joy.

While I’m loving exploring my creative side, it’s not without a little angst. The voice in my head still tells me I should be doing something. Painting, writing, those passions are mentally active, but not out and about active. Until the last couple of years, physically active was imbedded in my definition of doing something.

When I was about 40, I had started cycling and was training for my first century ride. I met a group of amazing cyclists and quickly got pulled into their orbit. The next few years I spent every free moment cycling. It was my social life, my exercise, and it got me outside, which I loved. We travelled by bike, rode to places in California I’d never seen even though I lived here my entire life. We competed in ridiculously long rides and along the way I met even more kind, generous hearted people. I looked forward to those events because of the accomplishment at hand as well as the camaraderie. They were my people.

Now?  My bike is hanging in my garage. I haven’t been on it in over a year. And I beat myself up about it for the first six months. It had been a big part of my life and when I’d go out for a ride, I was doing something.

What I’ve wrestled with is letting go of my own definition of doing. I believe the feeling that I need to be actively, i.e. physically, doing something at every minute of the day was someone else’s definition. It’s normal to adopt the definitions about life from those we spend time with. Letting go has been hard. I’ve had to push back on my internal, not so friendly dialogue. It’s a healthy process for anyone to go through, particularly at this phase of life. I’ve had reasons I stopped cycling, but it wasn’t easy. And I still long for that camaraderie. But challenging my thoughts about why I should do it was a healthy process.

I believe each of us would benefit from taking time to reflect on life and look at what truly brings you joy. What are you doing that makes you lose track of time? What are you involved in that you continue because it’s what you’re programmed to do? Programmed by someone else.

I am creative, it brings me joy and is an area I plan to expand, using it to connect with and help others. I think the two will go hand in hand. That’s the intention I’ve set, living out my authentic self. I’d encourage you to take a minute today and think about the patterns of your life. What are you doing that brings you joy? What are you doing that fits someone else’s definition of what it means to play, or work, or rest? Wrestle with how your authentic self would look at those areas. What would it take to be truer to the call of your heart. Today, be brave and take a step towards your true self.

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Aging Gracefully

embrace with graceI had the realization this week that I can either choose to age gracefully or to fight it, kicking and screaming in disbelief at the onslaught of mental and physical betrayals that seem to come with age. I guess it’s now clear which one I’ve chosen thus far.

Here’s the deal. I’m exhausted a great deal of the time. I manage to fake my way through it, but it’s always my companion. I’ve worked with doctors, given more than my share of blood to figure it out and the explanation doesn’t lead to a fix. It’s a side effect of a bunch of minor conditions, none of which are life threatening, but together, they pack a mean punch to my energy level. I got to a point this week where I was mad about it.

Ok I was a little more than mad if I’m honest, maybe pissed. And I don’t get pissed easily. But getting there lead me to get in my head about it.

The more I thought about it, I realized that to some degree, the fact that I’m 50 not 30 plays a part in how I feel. Part of my desire to feel “normal,” whatever that is, comes from fighting against the natural process of aging. Though, don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that I’m ready to pack it in and get a rocking chair on the porch by any stretch.

But by fighting it, by remaining frustrated (code word for angry), I hold a lot of negative energy inside of me. That leads to an increase in Cortisol, which, when I’m running from a lion is helpful, but having an increased level on a day to day basis leads to many of the conditions which result in the exhaustion I feel.

Fighting the exhaustion is a fight against myself. So is fighting the changes that come with aging. That’s not healthy, period.

It’s a choice. So much of our physical and mental state of being comes from what we tell ourselves it is. I can tell myself that being exhausted is the enemy and fight it, or I can accept it, gracefully. Accept that not having the energy I once did is not a bad thing, it’s just different.

I’ve never been this age before, so I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. What I’d like it to feel like is a continuation of strong, healthy, go conquer a mountain toughness. But that’s not where I am. Instead of fighting to get back there, I’m going to make a choice to slow down and look at what life presents me in this stage of life.

Relationships, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. Time to deepen relationships. Reflection and writing, creating, developing those parts of me that had no chance of coming out when I was busy ‘doing’ all the time.  It’s a different phase, not one to settle for but one to embrace. Thinking about my authentic journey, it’s a stage to look at with wonder. Enjoying the different experiences that come with slowing down a bit and looking at life and what living fully looks like at this point. That feels brave.

What are you fighting that is a fight against yourself today? I encourage you to consider what it would look like to embrace it instead of struggle. It could be that making a graceful shift will lead to discoveries you never would have imagined. It’s being authentic with where we are, in this moment. Will you be brave with me?

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Make your choice

I went to high school in a small town in central California. Other than being a gold rush town, I don’t know much else notable about Mariposa (and I apologize to all who live there for not having other interesting factoids). I rode the school bus down from Yosemite each day and for a bunch of teens, an hour each day was a long way. But the good part was that the school pulled in people from all over the region, and so I met a lot of other kids. There’s just a handful I still keep in touch with and I’m on a Girl’s weekend with a couple of them right now.

I was thinking this morning about the interesting turns our lives have taken. How, starting with the same schooling, we’ve ended up being much different people. One is in finance living inSan Francisco and the other in Alaska, a physician. What led us down the paths to where each of us are right now were choices.

I chose to go to UC Davis and after school, quickly entered the Human Resources field. Not too long after that I got married and had my boys. I’ve stayed in California the majority of the time and now live outside Sacramento, still working in HR, kids long gone, with my awesome husband. Through the years though there have been times when i didn’t really choose the path I was on. I let circumstances dictate what I did or didn’t do, the path I was on. In reality that’s making a choice.

I don’t regret the path, it’s uniquely mine, but I’m conscious of not having chose some of the turns. What I was thinking about this morning while getting a deep tissue massage (essential for Girl’s Weekend), was how not making a choice is still a choice. I differentiate that from making a choice to let someone else decide, for example, where to go to dinner, or on vacation. Passively choosing to let others direct your career would be a whole different story. That’s not making a choice.

The thing about not making the choice is that its easier to not hold yourself accountable. Yeah, sit on that for a minute. It’s victim mentality. Things happen to you, but you are not an active participant in your life. Easier to blame others, but really, it’s not about them, it’s about you (or it’s about me). By choosing not to choose, you decide to give your power away.

I’m making a choice not to do that anymore. The authenticity thing again. Being authentic with myself means making choices. I’m not talking about making monumental choices in this moment, per se, I’m talking about making conscious decisions about the direction life takes for me, as an individual and in my marriage. Making choices that bring more love, kindness, peace and joy into life. Whatever happens from there, I’ll own it, because I chose. It’s being brave.

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Pilot Lights

Finds what sparks youOver the last few years, I’ve had a saga with my air conditioning. I’ve called my home warranty to fix it every year. A couple years ago, someone came out and whatever was going on led them into the attic. After hours up there and even more time at the unit outside, like magic, I had cool air again. I didn’t think twice about it until the cooler weather rolled around. Something didn’t seem quite right. It was the time of year that was dark outside and cold inside, without the air on, and my heater was not performing up to par. My son and I couldn’t figure it out and I spent a good amount of time on the phone with support trying to make sure my thermostat worked. Finally, they agreed to send someone out. First place the guy went? Attic. When he emerged a short time later, I found out I’d just paid $60 to have him relight my pilot light. Apparently, the guy over the summer put it out during the air fiasco and it doesn’t magically relight itself. Once on, the heat fired up and life was good.

It’s amazing to me that a small spark lights the pilot and it leads to heat throughout the house.

Some of you have followed my coaching journey which has basically been…go through coaching class…get fired up…pass my exam and become a certified coach…watch the fire dwindle. I use it at work at times and don’t get me wrong, it’s enormously helpful. But other than that, my passion to launch into that arena has fizzled somewhat. I think to some degree it’s been self-preservation. Continuing to yearn for something I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around, launching a coaching practice, just made me feel like I was a failure. In my head I thought I had to be in business for myself to be legit. Again, coaching at work fills my passion to some degree, but not entirely.

While I don’t have a coaching practice, I do coach people here and there and after a year had accumulated the hours necessary to apply for the next level coaching certification. I did, but before I could be awarded the certification, I had to take an exam. Boo! Not a fan of tests but Friday, I sucked it up and took it. After more than two hours and losing internet connection twice (leading me to relocate to Starbucks for their reliable internet – and iced green tea, I’m addicted), I got the screen “are you sure you want to submit and be scored?” No, not really. But I did, and I passed.  ACC – check.

Afterwards, I reflected on the feelings I experienced during the exam. It challenged me and excited me at the same time. As I worked through the different situations, it reminded me of the passion I have for coaching. Working with people and helping them find their answers so they can more forward in life. Oddly enough, the exam was like that pilot light in my attic. It sparked the passion I’d put on the back burner.

So now here I am, more letters behind my name – for whatever that’s worth – and a renewed passion for the field I found later in life, but that I think life prepared me for. How I keep the passion engaged is a bit unknown to me right now, but I don’t want to lose the spark, the pilot light, that fires up the whole thing. I’ll keep using it the way I am now, but I’m looking for more. If I’m being authentic, I have to be honest and say I’ve likely been a bit fearful and that’s held me back. Fearful of failing. But I’ve also learned that failing is ok because I’ll learn from it.

Even though I don’t know what’s next, what I do know is that I’ll be brave. I’ve held myself back on many things in life and I’m about done with that. Are you holding back? Stopping yourself from living out your gifts and talents, your passion out of fear? Come along with me then. If we fail, we fail, but we can say we step out and lived bravely.

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Love and Fear

love and fearMy mind has been swirling around a central theme for at least a month now which is the idea that all feelings, emotions, come from either love or fear. As I’ve rolled that around, I find that it’s coming up all over the place. Podcasts I listen to, books, devotionals I’m reading…all of which feels like a confirmation that my thoughts are well placed for the season I’m in.

One of the ways I’m testing the idea is to evaluate emotions I’m having against it. I’ll find myself feeling warm and fuzzy inside after seeing my son – and there is love. Or maybe I’m anxious about a conversation I need to have – fear. As I’ve gone through this mental exercise, I’ve found that it holds water.

Next I started thinking about God. How God loves us and desires for us to love others. I think about some of the rules in the Bible. They seem restrictive and harsh, but I believe they are there because God loves us, wants protect us, or, applying context, to protect people from the what was happening at the time, risks inherently associated with that time period, or from societal situations at the time. Let’s get real. Bacon wasn’t meant to be restricted forever, just when people couldn’t store pig properly and were likely getting trichinosis. Everything’s better with bacon (at least in theory…love the smell but don’t eat it much). You get the picture.

So if I believe that all emotions and feelings come from love or fear, which one am I going to choose? Every time, I can’t emphasize that enough, every time,  I’ll choose love. I’ve been focused for awhile on just loving others, so building in this principle is just an add on. What I’ve noticed is that loving on others is not hard, and it shifts me from a space where I may be quick to judge to one where I appreciate. I appreciate people for who they are. I get curious and try to understand them better. I want to know where they’re coming from, the shoes they’ve walked in.

I’ve also noticed that applying the love or fear idea to others has allowed me to stay in the tension, so to speak, with them. If they’re angry, I want to know what the fear is, because anger stems from fear. And by taking that approach, it helps remind me to not take it personally. Too often we get spun up in a situation because we take how someone is behaving personally. It’s not about us. They may think it’s about us, but it’s not, at least deep down it’s not. And the same is true when you’re the one whose upset. You may think it’s about someone else but keep asking yourself questions until you get to the bottom of it, you’ll find it’s about something in you.

As I define my authentic self, I know with absolute certainty that love is part of who I am. Loving others is a significant aspect component in my life. Finding ways to show love, to care for others, it’s my hearts’ desire. But I still have fear. There are still the days when I create the great American novel in my head telling the story of what someone else must be thinking, or assigning motive to their actions. That story describes behavior I don’t understand. Fear drives that.

When I stop and look at it from a place of love, the story stays written on paper and not in my head. Each of us has the ability to break emotion and feelings down to the basics of love and fear and I’d encourage you to try. Consider your feelings objectively and then choose to feel from a space of love, just as God does. Love yourself and love others. That’s it.

 

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Love ALL the Parts

no one claps forI keep thinking about the massage I had in Sonoma a couple weeks ago during my Treat Yo’ Self weekend. It capped off what was a relaxing weekend of trying to just be with myself. One of the biggest a-ha moments came for me during that massage. For the first time, probably ever, someone paid attention to my stump, the part of my foot that remained after having it amputated when I was 4. Let me say that again, for the first time ever…ever, someone paid attention to it – outside of when it’s been looked at as part of a medical exam, or if something is wrong, or that leg is in pain, or when my nieces beg to look at it. You get the picture.

And it struck me so strongly, because I’d never really thought about it. I believe that having an amputation when you’re young makes it immensely easier. I grew up with it and learned how to do anything I wanted to with it. There was hilarity around it in high school, we used it for pranks, but because my leg is inside a prosthesis, I never paid attention to the part that is actually my body. To a large degree, that’s an ok thing. (Side note, I don’t want to leave anyone with the idea that my leg was a disability, or a hindrance to me. It really wasn’t, that’s not my point here.)

But…what’s lingered in my mind was the sense that I hadn’t just ignored it, that perhaps what I’d done is neglect it. Think about a part of yourself, a part that is different maybe, and imagine that you never did anything but routine care for it. Imagine if you did that with someone you love, your child, your spouse. They would wither. Fade. Shrink. They might even get angry, or sad.

Stay with me.

Imagine that part of you that is different, or that you don’t like. And you ignore it, you ignore you. It doesn’t go away. It’s part of you. To not like, not love, a part of you…it’s likely not just that part of you that starts to fade, to wither, it’s all of you. Sit with it for a minute. We read about loving ourselves, and I firmly believe in that. And I also know that’s something I’m still working on. Shoot, I about choke if I try to say that I love myself out loud…alone in my room. But it’s the goal.

How am I, or really, how are any of us, supposed to truly love ourselves if there are parts of us, in my case, an actual limb, that are ignored? That I sort of pretend isn’t there. I don’t hide it or deny it, I just roll on without caring for it as I would another part of myself. And what do you do with that?

I think what you do is something different. In my case, if I really do want to love myself, I need to love all of myself, good, different, bumpy, wrinkly…the whole enchilada. Even thinking about it makes me a little queasy, no joke. And maybe I’m thinking about it too much. I just need to do it. Right now it’s just thoughts in my head. Those are nothing if I don’t act.

Now I’m turning the mirror on you. What part of you do you hide, or ignore, or dislike? Whatever it is, it’s part of you. You can wish to change it, and maybe you can, but loving all the parts of you at the end of the day is so important. My heart was so sad to realize what I’d been doing, or rather, not doing. That part of me, my stump, my leg, it’s me. It’s Lisa. What I went through with it…that’s part of my story…part of what made me brave…it’s part of the authentic me. And you? You’re uniquely made with all the parts of you. Love them. Love you. And take that love and share it with others.

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The battle inside

Authenticity-Quote-2I’ve been thinking lately about the changes we go through in life, namely, menopause. Well, maybe not menopause itself, but this process my female body is going through as I transition in life to something else, something unknown. For me, it started years ago, the hot flashes, the moods, all that jazz. Now I’m in a new phase – the done phase – but there are other things that come with that, some of which I’m none to pleased about. I keep looking for the answer, the fix. The solution that will make what I’m experiencing stop.

But here’s the thing I’m realizing. It’s not going to stop. There is no magic pill but nonetheless I’ve spent an awful lot of time and energy looking for the solution. What I’m starting to realize is, all that stuff I’m experiencing? It’s part of the deal. The female body is meant to be in this phase. As I’ve said before, I grew two humans with my body, my body has done amazing things, but now it’s done with that and on to supporting me in different experiences in life. The a-ha I had the other day was that I’ve been fighting, resisting this process that is natural. I’m not fighting because I’m afraid of it, at least I don’t think so. But because my view of the ideal, the way I think I should look and feel, is not what I’m experiencing. So there’s this internal battle constantly waging within me. It’s the battle I’m fighting.

In all honesty, it’s part of self-acceptance. Of accepting my body the way it’s supposed to be in this phase of life. Of loving it instead of wanting parts of it to ‘get with the program.’ The longer I stay in opposition with myself, is that much less I can actually enjoy what ahead for me in this stage.

So as my mind does, it spun the idea that I may be fighting with myself into other areas of life. Think about it. Maybe it’s that feeling that you are just short of fulfilling your purpose. But for whatever reason, it’s just at the end of your fingertips. There is always something that holds you back. Truth is, I’m starting to wonder if that something is you, or in my case, me. I have ambitions that I’ll stop short of because I fight myself on it. I find the excuses. Excuses that are really just a mask for fear.

It’s that way in relationships at times. The desire to go deeper is there. It’s so real that you can almost touch it. Almost. But you don’t. You keep creating circumstances that stop you just short of going deep, or true connection. Why are you doing that???

The fight, I think, is somewhat to maintain the status quo. The reality that I’ve created for myself. The changes in life, the progression of my body, stepping into my purpose, my calling, they rock the boat. I fight to keep things as they are, not because I necessarily like the status quo, but I know it. The harder I fight, the more I hold on to the very thing that I’m supposed to be moving through, moving past. Experiences I’m naturally designed and destined to move through – or move into. There is no magic that’s going to get me there.  It’s only by allowing myself to stop fighting and to embrace, to relax into it, to love the journey.

So, I ask you, what are you fighting? What battle can you lay down? What can you do today to embrace you and all the joy God has for you? Today, not tomorrow. We’ve waited long enough. Be authentic, be brave.

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Let’s talk addiction…well sort of

View More: http://mercarty.pass.us/lisa_kirbyYes, I said addiction, and I’m not going to be talking about alcohol, or drugs. Yes, those can be addictions, absolutely. What I want to talk about are those behaviors, habits, patterns, that we’re addicted to, maybe not even consciously, that continue to create issues in our lives.  That keep us away from being our true authentic self, but which we do anyways.

If you think about an addiction, it usually is based on the feeling that you get when you engage in the behavior. It’s the feeling that you crave, that you repeat over and over. Robert Palmer sang about being “Addicted to Love.” If you take it literally, it was probably the addiction to the endorphin rush that comes with being with someone you love. Those feelings of safety, and peace, and belonging.

But what about when the addiction is not so benign? Lately I’ve been thinking about that question related to my own behaviors. I’ve noticed that I tend to get fired up about taking an action, a class, to embark on a shift in the way I do certain aspects of life. I have all types of plans swirling around in my head. I’ll take notes, I’ll start plans…and somewhere along the way, I’ll end up leaving a pile of dreams on the side of the road. I’ll be frustrated for a while, trying unsuccessfully to restart the fire. Usually that’s followed by a period of apathy. Don’t care. Don’t need to be growing. Abandon the creative passions that bring me energy. Slowly giving away my purpose.

I don’t like it.

But…I know it.

This week, I started questioning myself about it. Why is it that I allow myself to go through this cycle? There have been times when I push through it, absolutely. Last year I went through my 6-month coaching program. Nailed it. Loved it. Came out ready to set the world on fire. But I stopped feeding the dream and eventually it faded. And I have to wonder, is it part of an addiction? What’s the feeling inside me that comes up when I let a dream die? Easy answer. It’s disappointment in myself. It’s the voice in my head saying “of course you didn’t do it, it wasn’t important, you overreached…again…you’re not meant for anything big…anything exciting…not worth it.” It’s an ugly voice, but I recognize it, I know what to do when it comes up. I slow down. I settle.

That feeling that comes up, that disappointment, in myself, or that I perceive others have in me, it didn’t develop yesterday. Not a mid-life crisis thing. No, I’m sure it’s been buried in me for years. So I call it an addiction, but is it? Maybe. It’s a pattern. I don’t seek the feeling but know what to do with it. It keeps me small, safe in a way because I become hesitant to take risks.

I want to call B.S. on it. I want to find a different feeling. One that is healthier. One that is growing. These are choices we have. We can choose to follow the same pattern, same feeling we’re addicted to, or we can take different actions. And that probably won’t be comfortable, it’ll be new, maybe scary. But to be our authentic selves, for me to be my authentic self, I have to make different choices. I’m asking you today to think about what feeling you’re ready to give up, need to give up. Identify it and know that you can start behaving differently today. You don’t need that feeling anymore. I’m walking it out with you and know that we can do it, we can be brave, together.

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What’s holding you back?

Its-Not-Who-You-Are-That-Holds-You-BackI watch This is Us. If you don’t, your missing up on some good drama. A tug at your heart every week, sometimes for unexpected reasons. There are elements of the show, in each of the characters, I relate to. This week I was left thinking about one of the scenes that really spoke to me. So this is your spoiler alert, I’m going to talk about it.

Kate, one of the main characters, is morbidly obese and one of the storylines is around her struggle and wanting to lose weight. The story is told is current day and in flashbacks. This week they showed Kate in a flashback at about 16/17 years old. She was shopping for a prom dress and had the number 7 written on her wrist. As she recalled this story, you saw her grab a variety sizes and when she tried the 7 on, it fit perfectly. But she had struggled with weight her whole life. And having a piece of clothing she really wanted fit was an experience she didn’t know how to have. Instead, she tried on a size 3 dress that was far to small, and the sensation of it not fitting, of having to struggle, was one she could relate to. She left that dressing room presumably disgusted with herself, no dress in hand.

It made me wonder how often that happens, whether it be about weight, or about some other piece of ourselves that we work diligently to change, but when it does, we don’t feel equipped, or prepared, to give up our old reality, old definitions of ourselves, and step into our new way of being. I know I’ve struggled with weight and body image a long time and for me to be in a space where I’m friends with myself, with my body, seems to be fleeting. I may not like it, but I’m a lot more comfortable in the space of not liking myself, of how I look.

And I don’t like that I do that, that I stay in that negative image space. I’ve been working long and hard to make progress on it, and I think I’m making strides. From not being fixated about a number on the scale (which I no longer own,) to ignoring the number on my pants.

How do we stay there? How do we embrace the new space we want to be in when our old space…old worn out space…is so comfy, so cozy, so inviting. The new space might feel intimidating. You don’t have all of your ways of operating figured out in this new space. It’s not as comfortable. Here’s what I’d tell you. That’s not a bad thing.  It takes risk. It take realizing that you may have been created “for such a time as this,” (Esther 4:14).  What aspect of your life, what calling, what purpose, are you holding back from out of fear, out of leaving the shore…leaving the cozy. If you want to make strides toward being authentic, to being the best you, it takes being brave. I, for one, think we can do it. I’m in your corner and can’t wait to see where it leads us.