Loving the adventure Archives - Be Brave Coaching

September 9, 2018

Why don’t my shoes fit? Looking for true answers…

Wrong Feet I was pretty sure my foot had grown, deformed, or something else had happened overnight the other day to explain why my shoes were SO uncomfortable. All day, I was wiggling my foot around, side to side, trying to adjust it. Convinced my foot had decided to make a bigger footprint, literally, I had decided to throw the shoes away when I got home. It’s not you, shoes, it’s me, but we’re breaking up.

Cut to a video meeting I had the afternoon of that same day. A demo, actually. I was feeling fairly snoozy and looking for ways to stay awake. I looked down at the shoes that had betrayed me and realized they were on…the…wrong…feet. I was so startled that I, in all professionalism, stopped the meeting to call myself out on it. I mean, I’m a 50-year-old woman, what the heck?

I’d spent all day in discomfort, thinking something else was wrong, that it wasn’t the shoes, that maybe my shoes were in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and forgot me. But no, it was a situation I put myself in.

My shoes made me think about those times in life when we’re in uncomfortable situations. When it feels like our life is out of sync. So often, we put ourselves there in the first place. And in the same vein, the change to be more comfortable is one that we must initiate. No one can do it for us. But how quickly do we turn to wanting to ditch that which causes discomfort? And what does that do?

Nothing. Sure, in my case my foot would have been more comfortable…but I would have been out a good pair of shoes. But, let’s say the problem really was that my foot had spread out like peanut butter on a hot day. Throwing the shoes away would have done nothing to solve that challenge. We’re so quick to jump to the solution that causes us the least struggle, that puts the onus on someone or something else. But unless we look at the piece of the struggle we’ve caused, we’re no further along.

Shoe-gate also made me key into my intuition. It was a simple situation, but I knew something was off and I couldn’t quite get to the answer. I had the feeling it was something else besides the idea that my foot had grown, but instead of trusting myself and my intuition, I kept looking outward. I believe my intuition is strong, but my past pattern has been to rely on what I can see and touch rather than what I know.

Trusting our intuition is part of looking inward. Trusting ourselves instead of external forces. We know what is true for us, what we need. We’re programmed to not trust that, but instead to look externally for answers. I’ve been challenging myself to trust my intuition, to tap into it. It requires tuning out the noise of the world and tuning into that still small voice inside of me.

Somedays it feels like life throws us constant curveballs, but I’d suggest it doesn’t have to feel like that. What if what we face is not really a curveball at all, but a chance to turn internally and make a choice to let it slide by? To ask ourselves if it we need to respond at all? And to trust what comes up. It may be that the curveball is an opportunity to grow part of us, or an opportunity to let go of a belief or action that no longer serves us. Reacting to the external curveball won’t produce growth, looking internally will.

Listening to ourselves, to the inner voice, making a choice to respond, or not…it’s all part of shaping our authentic self. Of sorting out life and determining which pieces we want as part of our story. It’s being brave. It’s looking past the obvious, the shoes, to see what else could be happening. And knowing in some cases it actually is the shoes and to save our energy for other true changes.

Today, can you choose to let those so-called challenges sit in front of you and simply observe them? Don’t react. Observe. And trust that you have the answer inside you. Trust your intuition. You’ll find peace in staying within your true self. And you may even keep that pair of shoes.

August 12, 2018

Check in with your values

Values light the way For a couple of years, I’ve been on a quest of sorts – what do I want to do with the second half of my life. It’s a feeling that rolls around inside me and it led to becoming a certified professional coach over a year ago. At that point, I felt a tremendous pressure to launch into full time coaching.

But I didn’t. And by not taking that step, I was sure I was a failure.

The expectations to launch a coaching career had been projected on me through training were ones I owned and I was sure I was a failure as a person for not following through. Enter shame, which I’ve talked about before.

Tailspin, questioning, contemplating…all led to a season in my day job where I decided I wasn’t happy and was searching. For what I wasn’t sure. Not for another job. Never mind that I’ve been in my field creeping up on 30 years. Or, maybe that was why I was searching. But then, I leveled out. A shift at work, different responsibilities, the intent that it would pivot in a direction where I could use coaching more. In human resources, there’s a fairly high likelihood of that.

We’re now about a year out from that point. And it’s creeping up on me again. That desire to coach more. Yes, I’ve used the skills in the course of my job, honestly, I’ve used it in my personal life too. But there’s still something missing. Thus far, I’ve spent time thinking about how I could launch out on my own, coach full time. Write, be creative, help women create peace in their lives.

The more I thought about it the more unclear I became. I was looking for that bright light idea. It hit me as I was brainstorming ways I could switch up my work life. What I realized is that I may not want to coach full time, and I find joy in some of the elements of the job I have. My job is stressful. News alert…So is any job. But there are many fulfilling aspects of what I do.

What I want is…time.

The more I thought about it, what I realized is that my values are out of alignment from the way I’m currently living my life. That happens sometimes, and it can sneak up on you. Over the last year or so I’ve focused on living authentically. Moving past others’ expectations to living for who I am, for how I’m wired. Values that are important to me include: Connecting to others; Creativity; Flexibility; Family; Integrity – Authenticity. When I make decisions based on my values, I find peace.

Here’s an example of living out one of my values, family. I live across the country from a many people in my immediate family. They are important to me and we truly enjoy spending time together. Last weekend, my cousin had a baby shower in Orlando…a short 3,000 miles from me. There have been many times when I would have missed it…too far. But I decided I’d done that too many times and I’m going to start being there for family occasions. So, I did. I took a couple days off work and traversed the country to Orlando, where, I have to say, it was as hot as the middle of a rain forest. Seriously. Humidity is no joke. But worth every sweat drop.

When I looked at my values in relation to my work, I realized I was out of alignment with my value of flexibility and connecting to others. I do connect to people at work, but not at the level I desire. That deep interpersonal level where the magic happens. And as much as I’d like to think otherwise, it’s not overly flexible. The challenge with that has been the integrity value. I’m not going to be flakey about work so that I can pursue flexibility. It doesn’t work like that.

What has come of this realization, that I’m out of alignment, is a search for how I can create flexibility. And for that, there are options. The answer hasn’t quite presented itself yet, but I have clarity about where I’m headed.

I’ve told you all this because I know I’m not alone. How often have you felt disconnect with an aspect of your life but are not sure why? Looking at your values will shine a light into what’s really happening. Even if you’re not out of alignment, take a minute to check in with your values, top 5. On a 1-10 scale, how would you say you’re doing? Pick one and decide, today, to take a step that leads you closer to it. It’s back to being brave, living authentically. Shining your light on others from a place of strength.

You got this.

July 15, 2018

Not where I once was

Be Yourself I was talking with a friend the other day about an online post we had both seen from Jen Hatmaker. If you don’t know of Jen, she’s a Christian speaker, author, pod-caster and all around awesome person. To me, she is super relatable, and I love, love, love her. Ok, now that I’ve fan girled…her post related to a talk she’d given years ago to young men. The gist of the post that stuck with me was that looking back on yourself, say, 10 years ago, and judging that person is, in my words, comparing a baby’s ability to run with, oh, say Usain Bolt’s.

I Nowas intrigued with this idea and pondered it during coffee talk this morning with my friend. When we look back at ourselves, we do it with all the knowledge and experiences we have today. We didn’t have those back then. It’s impossible to look back and consider what we did from the same lens we had then. Choices, decisions, things we did…they were all with the smarts and experience we had at that time.

I’m not going to lie, I did some dumb things when I was young. For example, I was a young mom and did the best I could to raise my boys. But did I screw that up? Sure. Did I cause therapy? Likely. Could I have done better? Maybe. That’s the thing. Maybe. Given who I was at the time, I don’t know that I could have. If I went back in time and parented my kids with the knowledge I have as a 50-year-old woman…heck yeah I would have done things different. But as a 26-year-old? Faking it at best…along with plenty of other people.

So why is there such a recurring pattern of looking back on those early years from the middle of life and judging? For that matter, why do we look back and judge the other people in our lives? The same is true for them. They did the best they could with the tools they had. I say that, but I’ve heard that phrase before and in the back of my head heard nagging that it was a cop-out, a way to deflecting responsibility. It’s not. It’s the truth. To look back and say we would have done things differently? Well no duh. That’s why hindsight is 20/20. We have much greater insight into past events. But we’ll probably be doing the same thing in 10 or 20 years from now about our actions today.

I’m calling for a time out. We all need to stop and realize the damage it does to our own selves to look back judgmentally. You did the best you could. We weren’t waking up and wondering how we could screw stuff up. The truth is there was blind navigation of the road we were on. That’s life. That’s normal and it’s part of the journey. We can’t judge the beginning from the middle because we’re different people.

The same is true for our judgement on other people’s decisions. It’s super easy to cast stones at someone else. But we’re not them and we all have our own stuff. We didn’t have their childhood, their experiences, their joys and tragedies, we’re not sitting in their shoes. Instead, we could choose to simply be. Be with ourselves and with others.

Choose to experience life today. Not to judge it, but to experience it for what it is. Choose to be kind to yourself and to others. I know that my authentic self today was formed from all those past experiences and what I learned from them. Let’s choose to keep bravely forging ahead and leading with love, for you, for me, and for others. Loving who we are today and being kind and loving in our nostalgia, knowing that who we are today is a product of the road we’ve traveled.

July 8, 2018

Own you…the real you

Truckee 2018 Each year around the 4^th of July my family spends a week in Truckee. For those unfamiliar, it’s a small town near Lake Tahoe that is gloriously beautiful. From my folks’ house we look up to the backside of NorthStar ski area. The air is clear, it’s quiet and nature surrounds you in all directions. Why we don’t go up there more is a mystery to me (although I’m firmly committed to spending more time there!). So, you have the serenity fully in your mind?

My family is awesome, and we truly enjoy being around each other. This year, ten of us were up for the week. Our Truckee days are filled with non-stop activity. And by non-stop, I mean every…single…second…This week alone there was boating, rafting, pool ‘hanging’, cornhole (lots and lots of cornhole), ping pong, foosball, bocce ball (the only sport I made a respectable showing in), foot golf, golf, hiking…you get the idea? Most days had no less than 3 activities. And then we prepare and eat dinner together followed by a lot of laughter, loud music as we sang through the years and possible a game later. Genuinely, we enjoy each other, every activity becomes a competition, we laugh, we love one another.

I love being with the family and over time, particularly over the last year, I’ve noticed that I’m wired similarly to them in many ways but am also different. I’m serious, I tire far more easily, I get worn out. The competitive spirit is not as strong. Since this is the family I was raised in, a lot of the traits passed on to me, either by nature or nurture I believe. Over the last couple years, as I’ve settled into mid-life, more of who I am is becoming apparent to me, and I’ve been working to get comfortable with who that person is.

One thing I’ve known for years is that I’m more sensitive. I can recall being young and hearing the words, “there goes Lisa, crying again.” Any potentially emotional moment. Even yesterday, leaving the family to come home, I felt the tears well up. And I’ve tried to shake it off. Be tougher, not so sensitive. It’s not that easy. As I become more aware though, I notice it’s not just emotionally. I’m sensitive to sound – especially loud noises, conflict kills me on the inside, busy-ness and rushing throw me off, other people’s negative energy pulls on me…all things I’ve pushed aside as something being wrong with me. Called it anxiety or told myself to shake it off.

But now? Now I’m learning that it’s part of how I’m wired. I’m more in tune with other people’s energy-their moods, sensitive to it, often feeling it myself. And I feel the energy of different situations, good and bad. And I can get exhausted from it. It’s a little bit like having a hangover – even though I don’t drink – exhaustion, raw emotions.

So, what to do with a week of constant activity? This is where authenticity comes in. Own and take care of my needs. I’m responsible for that. The constant activity of my family? That will, and should, continue. It means that I might take a time out, or observe, rather than be in the middle. It means breaking away from the norm and being ok with it. This year, that’s what I did. The world didn’t end, and I came home slightly less exhausted than I have in the past.

Learning more about me, who I am as an individual and owning it is an ongoing journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in who other people think we should be and how we should show up in situations. It’s far braver to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean everyone around you needs to change to suit you. It means you ask for what you need. It’s setting your own boundaries and taking a time out if you need it. There’s no shame in that.

It’s no different than anywhere you feel you’re showing up on the outside differently than what’s on the inside. Think about that for yourself. Are there areas in your life where you show up to suit others instead of being who you truly are? What step could you take today that would get you closer to your true self? Do that. It’s just one step but it’s a step in the authentic direction. I’m with you every step of the way.

May 13, 2018

A parent’s heart

I’m in the middle of my pilgrimage and from the beginning,we’ve focused each day on how it is touching our soul. We’ve been so many places throughout Israel, but I hadn’t felt the stirring of my soul. Inspired, yes, but not the tugging at my soul. But today was different.

Today, we visited the Sea of Galilee and the surrounding sites where Jesus did 90% of his ministry. While on a boat, crossing the Galilee, my heart stirred. It was my mother’s heart, which seems appropriate since I’m writing this for Mother’s Day. I thought about my boys, who are really men at this point, and how they touch my life.

And I thought about the ways that Jesus would have loved them, how he does love them. I thought about ways they may be different, and Jesus still loves them. Just like me, they were created in God’s image, all our children are, and he lives them, no matter what. Now I love my boys, no matter what, but God really loves them. THAT was my soul moment.

I thought about it as the day went on and as we visited more sites. At the end of the day, we visited Magdala. It’s a village that they estimate was developed in the years preceding Jesus’ birth. It was discovered in 2006, and is being excavated, unearthing amazing discoveries! While there was visited a newly built synagogue which had a painting depicting the women who bled for 12 years touching Jesus hem. It only showed feet and her hand touching Jesus’ hem. Our guide reminded us that he called the woman his daughter, showing God’s fathers heart to the woman. It touched my heart thinking that’s how God Love’s me, a hot mess, how he loves my kids and each one of us.

So why can’t we love each other like that? People sometimes don’t love another person because they’re different than them, or they believe differently. But they’re still people. Who are we to love them any less?

That’s been what my heart has been telling me for awhile now. That’s what my authentic self tells me, that’s what I want to live out. And that’s going to mean continuing to love others who are different that me, who might not fit in the cookie cutter from the perspective of their lifestyle. Loving them.

It feels like I may need to be brave at times, but it’s what my heart is calling me to. As a mom, I really love my boys, and I hope that all moms out there feel the same about their kids this Mother’s Day. Life happens and differences arise, but love them, let them know you love them. Just like God loves us, just love. I hope you’ll feel the same friends, it’s simple really, be brave…and love.

May 6, 2018

What’s your journey?

my journey is not your journey I’m going on a pilgrimage. It started nearly six months ago when my stepmother suggested it at Thanksgiving. “We should all go to Israel together.” I thought my husband would lose his mind. I’d known it was on his bucket list for quite some time and he was 100% in from the get go. Me? Well, we’re leaving Monday, and I’m excited, but have spent a great deal of time thinking about the trip and what it is for me.

First let me say that it’s a huge blessing. My folks are taking my siblings and our spouses which is incredibly generous. I know I wouldn’t be going otherwise.

Second, there’s some fear rolling around in there. It’s the longest vacation I’ve been on, the farthest away from home, into a country that is not known for peace these days. And ohhh do I love peace. Not a fan of sketchy situations much less a war zone. So, to say I had concerns over that is an understatement.

The biggest piece of it was working through what my own expectations are. My husband (and 95% of the people who go) is thrilled to be going to the Holy Land. To take the steps Jesus took. To see where the miracles happened. To have the Bible come to life.

And all those things resonate with me too. But there’s something else for me and I’ve wrestled with what it is. I’m not 100% sure, even today, what that something else is with my bag half packed (in my head…note to self, I really need to get on the packing thing). I think it relates to the concept of pilgrimage.

You may be familiar with the Hero’s Journey, it’s the common theme in a broad category of stories that involve a hero who goes on an adventure, and in a decisive crisis wins a victory, and then comes home changed or transformed. That’s the simple version. Joseph Campbell, who wrote about it more than 50 years ago details 17 stages of the journey. What stuck with me was the thought that the journey itself is filled with the unknown. The only thing that’s known is the departure and that there will be a return. What happens on the journey is unknown, therein lies the mystery and the transformation.

It’s Luke Skywalker…the Lord of the Rings…Moses…Lisa Kirby…oh wait that’s me…I’m not going in search of the Ring and am not going to save the galaxy. But could I find parts of me that were untapped, unknown?

Yes. But I must be willing to explore the unknown. I’ve lived a lot of my life staying in the ‘known.’ Making plans, following rules, playing it safe, all those things are in the known. Playing small is also in the known. Not living to my full potential, not stepping into my life’s calling, my life’s purpose, not fully using my gifts and talents, not being vulnerable, that’s all in the known. That’s safe. But it’ sells you short. The hero’s journey was not safe.

My journey is not one of a hero, or if it is, the person who needs the hero is me. That’s what this journey is about. It’s part of my authentic journey which includes living more fully. Stepping into the unknown. Taking the risk. The pilgrimage is the search for moral or spiritual significance that is there for me to learn. And it’s going to be different for me than for others because what I need to learn is different. It’s based on my life and where I’ve been so far. What I’m praying for is to be open to whatever that is. To hold space for what I need to learn and experience.

I know I need to be brave enough, not a superhero, just brave enough to let my authentic self show up. To step fully into the experience and know that I still have so much to learn but I must be brave. Be open, step in with both feet. To experience what’s there for me. My own journey.

What about you? We all have room for the hero’s journey in our lives. The one that takes us into the unknown and transforms us. And a lot of the time, we don’t have to leave home, but we do have to leave what’s comfortable. Transformation doesn’t happen when we’re comfortable. Believe me, I’ve tried. I hope you’ll take time this week to think about your own journey, your pilgrimage. And know that it could come at an unexpected time, but exactly when you need it – be brave – you got this.

January 14, 2018

The show must go on

The words on the front of the memorabilia shirt I got from the Celine Dion concert we went to a couple weeks ago. In a way, those words are a good catch phrase for my life. Not the end all be all phrase, but a good one. You see, I persevere. I’m a soldier, tough cookie. I can be a daisy, but when push comes to shove, I march forward. Think about it, when you see an obstacle, does it stop you, or do you go MacGyver on it and figure out not only a way around but re-engineer it so it’s now an advantage to you? Yeah, I’m usually MacGyver. I take pride in making opportunities out of challenges. It’s the soldier thing.

I remember a time when I was probably 15 and my mom and stepdad took us kids on a backpacking trip. Being a teenager filled with angst, I was having none of it. I bitterly marched on, stone faced, determined not to have fun. After reaching the campsite and dropping our gear, we decided to go up to Summit Lake. A lake, in hindsight, that was beautiful. It sits at the border of the Hoover Wilderness and Yosemite. Along the way we had to cross what I think was a beaver dam across a river. As I went across, my left leg, prosthetic and all, went through the dam, up to my thigh in ice cold water.

Oh really beaver? Game on…

I pulled my leg out and with complete resolve went the rest of the way to Summit Lake. Beaver be dammed (pun not so much intended, but oh so convenient). I wanted no help, nada. The show must go on. I can actually still remember the route to that lake in my head. I think I’d enjoy it a lot more now since nature is my jam, but then? I was a soldier.

So this week, I’ve had an illness trying to get hold of me. True to form, I marched forward. No, I’m not sick…kept going to work…sure I could beat it. Not going to get me down, until I had no choice. I took a death spiral Friday afternoon and all-day Saturday to the point where I started to get a little worried. Fever, coughing, not able to breathe…and worst of all, no appetite. I’m one of those people who never loses their appetite so I knew something must be wrong. It got to the point where when my husband suggested taking me to urgent care late in the day, I agreed. And sure enough, bronchitis. Good thing is I got on drugs and should be getting to the other side soon.

But this really isn’t about my illness, it’s about that mindset. At some point, I’ve realized that perseverance is good. Hard headedness is not. Self-compassion? It’s a strength. Truth is, I need to ask myself, what are you trying to prove? And more importantly, to who? What is it in me that has a hard time admitting frailty, with being seen as anything other than strong and one tough cookie?

The challenge is, I’ve been seen as this person for so long, it’s how people know me. So there’s a small voice in me that questions if they’d still like me if I actually showed the weakness when it arises. When the mask comes off. It’s not that the soldier isn’t part of who I am, but it’s part of authenticity. The authentic me gets sick sometimes. Isn’t always strong. Needs to be carried rather than doing the carrying at times. Authenticity leans on being brave to be self-compassionate, and lets others see all the parts. It’s part of the journey my friends and if it resonates with you, I encourage you to think about what mask you could put down today. I’m walking right along with you.

November 5, 2017

Clear Vision

I like being crafty, creative, artsy…whatever you want to call it. For me, it’s taking time to let my thinking brain wander. To use it in a different way, exercise the other half. When I get into that space, I find myself losing track of time and feeling ‘filled up.’ It feeds something in me. So when I asked a couple girlfriends if they had interest in creating vision boards with me – because creating is more fun with friends – I was excited when they said yes.

I hadn’t created a vision board in a couple years and I led us through a warm up of sorts. Doodling – loosening up the creative mind – followed by pondering a few different areas. What do you want more of in your life? What are areas that bring you joy? What do you want to experience this year? Questions intended to get each of us thinking about the types of things we may want on our boards. What was interesting to me is that the ideas that came to me were nearly the same as what came up for me a couple years ago.

That, in and of itself, tells me something. Let’s take relationships. It’s been a focus IMG_4140 (1) and is still a focus even though they look dramatically different today than they did then. There’s been movement, but it’s still an important area for me. Another was body image, seems like that’s always a focus, but with a twist. Deep sigh.

And that’s the thing that happens in life. We sometimes think that if we just put energy into a certain area, or make changes that we can move on. But we don’t. Well…we do and we don’t. Maybe we move forward from that current dimension of the issue but like many are, it’s an onion. You have to heal, examine, or understand one layer before we can move to the next.

It’s like that with people. You can meet someone, maybe even spend a good amount of time with them, and still not fully know them. There are behaviors that you see, but that’s only the outside layer. Inside, there are beliefs, life experiences, family ‘leftovers,’ and the motivations that drive them. We can get a ‘vision’ of them from the outside, but that won’t necessarily let us ‘see’ them. It happened to me just the other night with my husband. I heard his words, saw behaviors, but didn’t understand his heart. When we finally got there, I felt like I really knew him in that moment. Behaviors and words can be a smoke screen, they don’t tell the whole story.

So, what if we had vision boards, so to speak, for the important relationships in our lives? We could focus on the layers of the onion we want to understand. Areas we want to focus on, and to learn more about. We could focus not only on that other person, but on what the relationship looks like for each of us, and what we want it to look like. We could also desire a vision of where we want to go in that relationship.

Sounds interesting? Wonder how to start? Think about what you know and what you want to know. What do you want to bring to the relationship, understand about it, learn from it? What experiences do you want in the relationship, what emotions, feelings? Here’s a big brave move…create a vision board for an important relationship and have the other person in the relationship do the same thing…and then compare them. What do you notice? Where are the differences? Similarities? Have an honest conversation about it. The vision you once had for the relationship may have changed, and that’s normal. It could change as you both change. But talk about it…that’s your brave move. I can’t wait to hear about it!

October 22, 2017

Shining light into darkness

lightintodarkness-jung I don’t like haunted houses. They’re dark, spooky and filled with a whole lot of unknown. Plus, being scared or startled is not my idea of a good time. To all of you that like them, more power to you, but I’m taking the big ol’ pass. I think the darkness is a big part of it. I just don’t know what to expect, I can’t see ahead.

That’s a little how I was approaching 50 this week. In reality, Tuesday I was Lisa who was 49 and Wednesday I was Lisa who was now 50. It wasn’t a catastrophic change. But my mental lead up to it was. Literally the last 6 months it’s been on my mind. Not in a mid-life crisis aspect, per se, but a ‘what’s next’ standpoint. When I was thinking about it earlier this week, there was so much unknown, like the haunted house. A darkness of sorts.

Except it wasn’t. Once I did nothing more than wake up Wednesday morning, magically 50, the thought in my head was, “well…alright, this is it, game on.” I wasn’t depressed, didn’t suddenly feel old, I felt the same as the day before. If you’ve already hit the magic number, I’m sure you experienced much of the same.

The unknown is often like that, darkness. Think about it…

The conversation you need to have but are dreading…darkness…

The decision you need to make but avoid…darkness…

A move in your life or career that you’re procrastinating on…darkness

Once you make the decision, have the conversation, you wonder what you were avoiding! Here’s another perspective, once you shine the light on it, it’s no longer unknown, no longer scary. “The light shines in the darkness. And the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5. It’s the same in life. The light takes a lot of forms but in reality, it’s truth.

Truth is powerful. Truth tells you that you and your spouse are on the same team, not opposing parties. Truth says that the conversation you need to have will have benefits for both you and the other person, that’s there’s nothing to fear. Truth helps you got past hurt to see what actually happened in that long ago argument. Truth says you’re beautiful when the scale or your pants try to tell you otherwise. The light is truth so why don’t we believe it?

What would it take you to believe it? To look past the darkness and see the light? What belief from the past are you bringing forward that limits how you look at your circumstances today? What assumptions are you making that give you tunnel vision? What does the voice in your head – not the voice of truth – the other one that keeps you small – what does it try to tell you? What if you looked at each of those and asked yourself, what is true? What is the truth? And from there you made decisions…

Essentially…turn the light on in the haunted house…see the truth and embrace it…shine the light on it.

That…my friend…would be brave.

September 17, 2017

A Return to Vulnerability

Vulnerability Ever had that conversation that you knew you needed to have but you were avoiding it? Maybe with a spouse, a close friend, a family member? Yeah, me too. What happens is that instead of having the conversation, I create a story in my head about the other person’s motives, what they must be thinking, or the why behind what they’re doing. I create their side of the story without giving them a chance to chime in. And, invariably, my story is far worse than what is actually happening.

In my story, I am being hurt, slighted, or ignored. My feelings are being smashed down. It’s never a version where it all works out. It’s a version where there is conflict. And in my story, I’m upset, and crying. What does all this storytelling do for me? Well, my brain swirling about it usually leads to me actual crying, getting anxious, feeling upset…even though the conversation never happened!

Been there? Most of us have.

This was the topic of conversation with my friend/coach the other day. It started off as just chatting and next thing I know, we’re smack in the middle of it. How did that happen?? And yes, there was crying, by me of course. There is a HUGE bonus to having a friend who started as my coach. We float in and out of that mode at times. So she knows me. We’ve gone there. And when she sees it, she gently calls me on my crap. Those are friends everyone should have, in my opinion.

She pushed up on me and I’ll spare you the gory details but it came back to vulnerability. Rather than having a conversation, I was creating story. So the bigger question is why not just have the conversation? Well that was scary, full of unknowns, had the potential for me to get hurt. Then again, was it hurt, or was it that the other person wouldn’t see things from my perspective. The truth is, they might not. So what was really keeping me from having that conversation?

Vulnerability. I’d have to be vulnerable, share what I was thinking. Open myself up to those unknowns. Now that was scary. But was it worse than what I was doing to myself? Creating the stories in my head. If you also create the stories, think about how much free brain space you’d have if you skipped that step and just had a conversation.

The thing is, I’d done the vulnerability thing. Moved past it. And now I had to do it again?? I think I’d always known it, but vulnerability is not a one and done thing, it’s a practice. It’s part of life. It’s what keeps you from spinning yourself into victim mode. Or from creating stress and strife – in your head – about your relationships. Being vulnerable lets you speak your truth. Let’s you be your true self, and how the other person responds is up to them, but if you speak from a place of vulnerability, you’ll know. Instead of the story, you’ll know the other side.

I’m not going to lie, the thought of being vulnerable makes me queasy. But I have to do it. We have to do it my friend. It’s not a one shot deal. We can’t say “oh I’ve done

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vulnerability,” and move on to something else. So, are you in? Are you with me? This is one of those be brave moments. I know we can do it. Trust you heart, guard your heart “…it determines the course of your life.” (Prov. 4:23). Your heart knows the way to vulnerability, trust it.