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December 16, 2018

Courage: Round Two

I wrote about courage a couple weeks ago, but the thoughts are continuing to roll around in my head. I blame that on Brene Brown.

It’s no secret that I thoroughly enjoy Brene Brown’s teachings, there’s something about her that I get, it clicks. It’s as though they are written to describe my exact challenge, or circumstance. One of the themes she weaves throughout her teachings is the idea of courage , and does it in a way that I love.

She talks about courage not in the traditional sense, but with an eye on owning the responsibility for your life. Asking for what you need, speaking your truth, owning your story, setting boundaries, and reaching out for support. Well…that’ll be no problem…said no one, ever. Seriously, perhaps some of the hardest challenges we face are those that force us to be vulnerable. Of course, Brene is all about vulnerability, so it’s no surprise.

Let’s get our courage mindset going and think about this for a minute. First, speaking your truth. I am honest as the day is long, but at the same time to speak my truth is challenge. It’s being willing to speak to what is truer than true for you. And whatever that is, might not be the most popular, or it might be counter-culture to your group of friends, or your family. They may not agree, or like it. May try to dissuade you. But courage is standing in your truth no matter what anyone else thinks. It’s your truth.

You’re courageous when you own your story. This is the story that resides in your head, that you’re constantly telling yourself to make sense of the world around you. It’s you, filling in the blanks when you don’t have information and what you fill in may or may not be accurate. We have to own that, say it out loud, question it for ourselves to find the actual truth. Owning our story is knowing that we have the ability to control our narrative and at times we have to question what we’re saying.

Ahhh boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, they encourage open honest conversation, and provide you navigation within your relationships and an anchor. Here’s an easy one. I am not a fan of violence and conflict, which is an understatement. I have an internal reaction to it, in my gut, both when it’s happening around me, or on screen. I try to not be avoidant of but to stay within my boundaries would be declining to see a movie that is violence based. It’s taking a break in a conflict situation so that I can return later and have a constructive conversation. Boundaries are knowing what situations and behaviors I will navigate and which are deal breakers, and they’re a tool to talk about it. When I don’t maintain healthy boundaries, I also feel it in my body. An uncomfortable sensation where I know I’m out of balance with myself. Think about how you feel, what comes up for you, when your boundaries are encroached upon.

Finally, Brene talks about asking for help. My first response is…do I have to? It’s a hard one for me. It’s not because I don’t think people can help me, it’s because I don’t want to be a burden. I worry about inconveniencing others. I want to fly under the radar. But, I do need help. Often. And when I ask, people are more than happy to help me, but it’s having the courage to ask in the first place. When we can have the courage, be brave enough to ask for help, it allows us to stay balanced and not overextend ourselves when it’s not necessary. We’re designed for connection with others and allowing them to help us is part of that dynamic.

Courage is an element of relationship, both with us and with others. As you’ve read through Brene Brown’s elements of courage, was there one that hit you a little harder? That caused you to think twice, pause to reflect? Pay attention to those feelings. We can practice being courageous every day, it might look a little different for you and me, but it’s courage nonetheless. We can support each other through encouragement when we see someone else being courageous, because that’s part of the journey. Being authentic and courageous, and applauding it in others.

December 9, 2018

Preparing for Christmas

Christmas Prep Over Thanksgiving, I was visiting family in Florida and over the weekend, we started the process of decorating the house. More like, it was our job to bring the decorations and tree up from downstairs in preparation for my stepmother’s decorating extravaganza. By the time she’s done, the house will be photo shoot ready – Christmas coming out of every nook and cranny in an explosion of holiday cheer. H Her decorations are elaborate and worthy of many Pinterest holiday inspiration posts.

And then there’s my house. For the past few years, if I get a tree up at all, it’s a miracle. I want to, but then I don’t, and I procrastinate. But this year, I am patting myself on the back that my Christmas tree is up and decorated earlier than ever. The house is getting close to done, yet…not Christmas home tour worthy, the tree is up, lights are on the outside of the house (thanks to my hubby), and there’s only a small explosion of decorations lying in my living room. I already have Christmas cards in the mail and most of my shopping done. I’m honestly not quite sure how I made so much progress so early. I must be missing something…

We often get so caught up in decorating, and parties, and the cookies, oh…the cookies, that we lose sight that Christmas is a time to come together as families. One of the challenges that comes with adulting is splitting up time so that you can spend the maximum time with the maximum number of people. This is not a new challenge for me. My parents split up when I was young and hence I began the balancing act at holidays.

All in all, we balanced the holidays well, but it always involved a back and forth. Now that I’m a grown adult, with full grown adult children, the balance becomes like a Jenga game. I will say that their father and I have navigated sharing the kids on the holidays well, but what would they say? One of my boys is not a fan of the juggle. I get it. In an ideal world, it would be easier if everyone were in one spot, at least one city. But even when they are, there’s still a mad dash. Breakfast here, dinner there…if we’re not careful we start to lose the point.

Which is connection. Maybe a different way to look at where you spend your holiday time is, who do you want to connect with? Do you want Christmas to be a logistical nightmare, or do you want to connect to your people. For some of us, that’ll be family, for others, it’ll be close friends. Whoever it is, the connection is what matters. Not having a perfectly decorated house or making an amazing meal – although food is always a plus – it’s about the time spent together.

Who will you connect with this Christmas? How can you make a choice to dial down the crazy in exchange for peace and heart connections? Will you create your own traditions that create peaceful celebrations and a time to reflect on why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, Jesus. Because if you could ask Him, I’m certain He would want us to have connection and love for each other this Christmas. If we focus on that, the rest of the details will fall into place.

December 2, 2018

Everyday Courage

Courage - Mark Twain When I think about courage, I’m reminded of the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz. In the years after the movie debuted, there was discussion that the Lion, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man were each a sliver of Dorothy that she needed to discover. The lion was “granted courage” but he had it inside of him the entire time.

And so do I. So do you. The trouble is that we forget. Or, we tell ourselves that we don’t have courage. We see it as rarely attainable. We compare ourselves to other people, and whenever we start comparing, it’s a downward spiral. If you look up courage, here’s what you’ll find: courage is mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. When was the last time you persevered? Faced fear? That’s courage.

Reflection on the times we’ve had courage isn’t something we routinely do, at least not something I do. For me, reflection is a walk down the trail of tears. The ways that I’ve failed, disappointed, fallen short. My ability to go down that path is remarkable, and my tendency is to hold myself responsible for all the ills in my life.

What I do not do is look back and acknowledge the ways that I’ve been courageous. That I’ve persevered. Acknowledging what’s been accomplished in spite of challenges. In fact, I feel slightly paralyzed whenever I’m asked about those times. I tend to minimize them in my mind. I brush past other people’s comments about them.

Courage doesn’t have to be an action that is heroic. We get confused about that sometimes. The “use it in a sentence,” part of our brain thinks that courage is not attained by the ordinary person. But I’d disagree. Courage is an individual act, but while it does impact us individual, impact our hearts, it also impacts other people.

Courage is having a hard conversation with someone you love.

Courage is admitting when you were wrong.

Courage is continuing to show up every day when you have chronic pain.

Courage is reaching out to a friend who has hurt you…or whom you’ve hurt.

Courage is continuing to try and have a baby after suffering loss.

Courage is coming along side a friend in need and simply sitting, listening, loving.

I believe courage is within each of us. Appreciating yourself in and of itself could be an act of courage. You might be conditioned, like I’ve done to myself, to brush past it. But you work your butt off every single day to show up well. To do a good job, to engage well in your relationships, to accomplish your goals. You’ve persevered through tough times, that’s courage. You’ve had hard conversations, that’s courage. You show up, day after day, and keep going even when you’d rather curl up in bed, that’s courage.

What can you do today to remember that you’re not the Cowardly Lion? That you have courage within you, even if you’ve forgotten about it, it’s there. It’s been with you throughout life. Today, think about those times and use it as a source of strength. You are strong, you are courageous, you are brave.

November 25, 2018

On Becoming Resilient

There’s a famous scene in the movie “Moonstruck,” with Cher and Nicholas Cage where Cage’s character, Ronny, tells Loretta (Cher) that he loves her. She responds with a couple slaps across the face and says, “snap out of it!” Cher won an Oscar for that role and the scene became iconic.

Wouldn’t it be great if, in the midst of struggle, we actually could simply “snap out of it?” But too often, life doesn’t work that way. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit and it seems to me that one component of this equation is the degree to which we are resilient. We may want to say we’re resilient but is that what we’re practicing? While I’d like to think that resilience comes naturally, I don’t know that it does for all of us.

Start with the idea that we’re all wired differently. We have our normal way of being, a set point, to start with. If you think about it on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being low and 10 being the Everything is AWESOME song from the Lego movie, each of us has a point which is “normal” for us. I might be a 6, you might be a 9, the guy sitting next to you might be a 3. No right, no wrong, normal for each of us. That point is the way you look at life, your approach. It’s the half full half empty idea.

At some point in our lives, we will face disappointment, or setback, and it’s in those moments that our resilience is tested. In context of our “set point,” we think about how far you’re knocked off course when difficulties in life arise. Do you go from an 8 to a 1 or from an 8 to a 5? Again, no right or wrong, just our natural wiring. The more we’re knocked off course, the greater effort it is to “snap out of it,” and get back to your status quo.

Resilience is something we can build, it’s a skill. It’s the ability to tackle adversity and have the strength to move through problems instead of parking on them. You can change the length of time it takes to rebound after a challenge, return to your set point. But when you’re in the middle of the tornado is not the time to focus on improving your resiliency. The time is when you’re not feeling like Dorothy, lost in Oz.

I consider myself a resilient person. I had challenges as a child and learned to adapt, maybe partially as a survival skill, but adapted nonetheless. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that when I’m under stress in general, I am less resilient. When I’m balancing 5 plates on each arm, back to my days waiting tables, all it takes is a small blip to throw me off course. But that’s not always the case. When life is humming along, challenges slide off like water on a duck.

In order to increase resilience, we need practice, and I’d hazard a guess that life is constantly giving us situations to practice. The time to try on resilience is not in the middle of a tornado, it’s in the everyday situations that come up in life. The small hurdles. Start by overcoming the small things…changed plans…a difficult conversation…a disappointment…before tackling the big stuff. Reframe. If you believe a situation is apocalyptic – you’ll approach it like that and your mental game might start swimming. It’s only a change, just a conversation, it’s not cataclysmic. You can mediate, practice mindfulness, be compassionate with yourself.

When we practice resilience, you won’t necessarily “snap out of it,” but you can minimize the degree to which you’re thrown off course. Increase the speed at which you’re back on track. Swirling in a negative perception of your life doesn’t move you towards the life that’s available for you to live, if you choose it. Honestly, I have to make these choices every day, and it’s not always easy. But worth it. Being brave is always worth it because let our authentic self shine in those moments. Be brave friends, be kind to yourself, and keep going.

November 18, 2018

Steps Forward

Path Choices Think about a situation where you’ve felt as though you needed to take a step off the path you were on. Where you knew that you knew you were supposed to be walking down another path. Or, maybe it was that you felt called to do something in addition to what was currently in your life.

I’ve been there.

For the last couple years, I’ve been in that swirl. I’d make newborn (not even baby) steps in the direction I wanted to go and then, whoa, whoa, whoa, that seems scary, that seems uncertain. Stop. Because the truth of what I knew I wanted to do, what I believe God is calling me to do, was still out there, I continued to feel unsettled. Too scared to move forward, but discontent with my current circumstance.

Sound familiar? The unknown can evoke a great deal of fear. Where does that fear come from? We make it up. We create a story in our minds, maybe based on past experiences, or what we’ve seen happen around us, but it’s completely contrived by us. We have limiting beliefs – maybe from situations in the past, or from what we’ve been told by others – that hold us back. It’s hard to press against those with the reminder that they may not be future predictors. We let our limiting beliefs call the shots. When we do, we get what we always got. We do what we’ve always done. A white picketed safe version of life.

Or, we can get curious. In my couple years of taking tiny steps, they’ve started to add up to actual steps. I’ve gotten curious about my own beliefs, the limitations I place on myself, the fears I wrestle with. Getting curious about the, dare I speak it, control I have to let go of in order to live my authentic life. To lean into my desires and passions, the calling God has placed on my heart. And I’ve started noticing a few things.

Opportunities have begun to show up. From the most unexpected sources. That are aligned with my values and direction I’m heading. And I feel like I’m not working hard for it. In reality I have worked hard for it, via my life’s experiences and the work I’ve done thus far.

One opportunity might lead to another, and another. Perhaps down a straight path, but knowing me, probably not, I have an affinity for crooked paths. I’ve realized that taking tiny steps, but taking them consistently, can add up to the change you want. It might take longer than you’d like, but you’ll get there, and the closer you get, the bigger steps you might be willing to take. I am. I’m intentionally putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Ones where I know I’m on the right path but it pushes up against my edges. That’s ok.

I don’t know what kind of path you’re on, the journey you’re taking, but stay curious. Continue to wonder what today has to do with that thing you did yesterday, with the thing you’re going to do tomorrow. Live into your authenticity, your strength. I know you can take the brave steps, at your own pace. Keep taking them. That dream your working towards, it’s waiting.

November 11, 2018

Thoughts on being content

peace with contentment Contentment is a topic that comes up frequently in conversations around me. To be content with what we have. It’s one of the themes found throughout the Bible. Being satisfied with what we have, who we are, and where we’re going. “…I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation…through him who gives me strength” Phil 4:12-13 In my own estimation, being content is a sister to mindfulness which is a state of active, open attention on the present.

Over the last couple years, I’ve spent a great deal of time learning about and practicing mindfulness. At the same time, I’ve been diving into learning about human behavior. I’ve become a student of Brene Brown, learned behavior tools – DISC and the Enneagram (and dabbled with others) – become a coach, listen to a wide range of podcasts that probe this topic, and read, read, read. Honestly, much of what I’m learning, I can apply to my own life, and do.

And I love it. Love learning new concepts about human behavior, how to apply it in my relationships and in my own life. Yet, I wonder sometimes if I’m not being content.

My immediate response would be that I’m content, but that I’m growing, and that’s normal. I went to the dictionary to break down contentment and here’s what I found: defined it’s: a state of happiness and satisfaction. A mental or emotional state or satisfaction maybe drawn from being at ease in one’s situation, body and mind. To be free from care because of satisfaction with is already one’s own. That seems to simple. I am content with my surroundings, generally, with some of the aspects of my life, but believe that I’m “not there yet.” Life is not perfect, I am most certainly not perfect (and never will be), and I am continuing to evolve.

I suspect part of my challenge with the idea of contentment is that it feels like complacency. I’ve gone back to the dictionary to ensure I was understanding that term accurately. Complacency: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. Satisfaction with yourself. A feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like. Complacency feels like sticking my head in the sand.

It’s the tension between contentment and complacency that plays out in my mind. How to balance the two so that I’m not constantly seeking, but am content, while at the same time not being complacent. That said, I know that if you look hard enough, or maybe not even that hard at all, you will find areas of your life where you can improve. But I think there’s a different between circling that drain and honestly looking for areas where you want life to be different. Where you want to engage with life, in relationships, differently.

When I ask myself if I am content, I would say yes. Certainly, yes with belongings, with my general circumstances. But I’m still a work in progress, aren’t we all? There are passions I’m still pursuing, ways that I want to engage with life that I continue to work on. It doesn’t come from a place of dissatisfaction, but rather a place of curiosity. My authentic self is coming out slowly, but it takes curiosity to see the places someone else’s definition of how my life should be is what guided me.

Back to contentment. Yes, I’m content. Yes, I’m curious. There is room for both. What there is not room for is complacency. Life’s changing too quickly for that. Authenticity requires the curiosity. Peace comes from contentment. I hope you find both in your life today my brave friends.

November 4, 2018

Prioritize what you value

prioritize If you’ve read my blog, you’ve probably picked up that responsibility may as well be my middle name. When I take on a project, I stay all in, even if it begins to crush me. As a young mother, one year I decided that I would make the kid’s Valentine’s Day cards. Homemade cards seemed cool and these were 3D, sort of, and exceptionally unique. I have two sons, and each had 20 kids in their class. They were in Preschool. The project took me 40 hours – literally, after work each night for weeks. For emphasis…they were in Preschool. Most likely those cards ended up in the trash within a couple of days, if they made it home at all.

But I finished all of them. Not quitting when I realized the absurdity of the entire project. Were the cards beyond cool? Yes. Will I ever get back those 40 hours? No. Did the kids care about the cards? No. I made them because it started out as a fun creative project, and, maybe, I wanted to impress the other mom’s.

While that project was ill hatched, I still make cards. They’re different now, painted expressions of caring for others. My husband is the primary beneficiary, but if you’re in my life and it’s your birthday, don’t be surprised to get one.

Today I create because I love it, it restores a part of me that doesn’t get to come out and play in my normal day to day. I also write because I love it. I find it to be like restorative therapy, and I want more time for it. Over the last couple of years, as I’ve explored the creative, empathic side of myself, I’ve found a variety of areas I want to explore. Hence, becoming a coach, working to expand that, leaning into that side of myself and seeing what else is out there in that realm.

Which sends me down another path. And, and, and…

I recently attended the Superwoman Summit in Portland. It was an event for women with sessions designed to encourage us to lead others, lead ourselves and make a difference in bigger, bolder, more authentic ways. One of the sessions I attended was titled, “You can’t have it all: prioritizing what matters.” The speaker, Erin Muntzert – a qualitative researcher at Google – presented a process for prioritizing focused on values. What I loved about her talk was that she emphasized that when you reach peak complexity, it’s time to simplify. The complexity described my experience in having a wide range of interests and resulting rabbit trails. While all incredibly interesting and worth exploring, it’s literally impossible to follow all of them well. That’s the key. I can go down any rabbit trail I want but can I do it well?

I find that when I try to stay engaged in a wide variety of interests, I can’t do any of them well. I put forth a diluted version of myself. Which doesn’t serve me well. If I cull my activities to be in alignment with my values, what would that look like? It doesn’t mean I have to abandon all other interests, but it allows time for what’s most compelling, and that which allows me to be engaged in areas that are most important. When we let go of distractions, rabbit trails, we make space for what needs to be there. The same could be true of people in our life. We can spend time with those who are supposed to be there rather than trying to be everything, for everyone.

Instead of looking at the areas in our life we choose to set aside, what if we focus on the space it opens for what is most important? Space to be a truer reflection of our authentic, brave self. Along with me, will you spend time looking at your values, and how you’re making space to pursue activities that enrich, not detract, from living out your values? Create your priorities around your values and know that it’s ok to prune areas that take you off course. Really, you don’t have to stay over committed. I promise. You’ll feel fulfilled with less, because it’ll be what’s supposed to be there.

October 28, 2018

Give Yourself Permission

In the last month, I’ve attended two separate conferences that spoke to the idea of permission slips. I think I’d better pay attention. Admittedly, I was the kid who followed the rules growing up. If my parents didn’t give the nod, I was a no go. Likely bitter in a little kid way, but compliant. I was not the kid who forged notes at school. Although, and this is a true story, my mom taught me how to forge her name, just in case I needed it. I mastered it quickly, particularly since she writes textbook cursive. I have no recollection of ever taking advantage of that skill though, since I would likely be bending a rule to do so.

If you’re not already getting the picture, let me paint it clearly. I am responsible. To this day, responsibility – even perceived responsibility – comes first. Over the last few years, I’ve worked on breaking that trend, but it’s a tricky one. The voices in my head have a party every time I try. They taunt me, mock me, tell me things that aren’t true. Mainly around performance driven worth.

Did that make you squirm in your seat? Performance driven worth is a myth. We perform, perform, perform, but that doesn’t make us any worthier. Particularly as a Christian, I get my worth from God. It’s plain and simple. Your worth doesn’t come from what you do, it comes from who you are.

The drive to be responsible and forego fun, relaxation, self-care? It’s ridiculous.

That’s why the idea of permission slips is incredibly appealing to me. Think about it. A permission slip is like a get out of jail free card. It’s me telling me that whatever it is I’m giving myself permission to do, or want, or believe, is ok. Now, I know it sounds a little “Woo Woo”, maybe even silly, but stay with me. Imagine that thing you wanted to do with all your heart when you were young. Maybe a trip you wanted to take on winter break from school. But there were other pressures, work, family, all talking louder in your head. True story, I took this trip, but got permission from my Dad, and folks, I was an adult – a college age adult – but an adult nonetheless.

As an adult, particularly at this stage in life, shouldn’t it be me who is giving myself permission. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t asked my Dad in years. But I’ll be honest, the voices I hear in my head as I contemplate taking one action or another, are they mine or someone else’s? Sometimes it’s a repeating tape that I’m sure my parents didn’t record, and would probably laugh at, but I internalized as true.

What permission slip would you want to write yourself? I think mine would go something like this…

Dear Lisa, this is your permission slip to live a bold life. You can have your own thoughts, your own beliefs. You have permission to make mistakes, the world will not end. You have permission to dream, what have you been waiting for anyways? While you’re at it, you not only have permission, but I am telling you – replace those crappy floors in your house, and the bathroom. You’re waiting for circumstances to be perfect, but they never will be. And take a nap! The world won’t pass you by. You spend a lot of time thinking and I give you permission to simply BE. Be, and love, and experience all that is your life. Your authentic self is chomping at the bit to move forward. Take her lead, take risks, you have my permission.

What would your permission slip look like? Would it be to live boldly, to finally forgive a loved one who hurt you, to take a well-deserved break in your life? You don’t need permission for any of it because you know yourself better than anyone. You know what it would look like to live your best life. Yet, the permission slip helps. Even when it’s from yourself. Try it. Be brave. Then get ready for what will show up in your life!

October 21, 2018

I have questions

church in portland Dear God, It’s me, Lisa.

I have a lot of questions, and I often wish that I could ask God the questions that linger in my mind. Those matters of the heart I don’t understand, social injustice issues, why my heart hurts so much at times it’s palpable. Why people are mean to each other, at a fundamental level, which really boils down to why are we so inclined to be up in each other’s business. Why it can be so difficult for us to appreciate people as they are and love them. I’d also want to know how my family is doing. Those who are hanging out in Heaven. Is my Nana dancing to Frank Sinatra? I hope the answer would be yes. And could I also ask what the deal is with Brazil nuts? What was the point with creating those?

There are ways I can look for answers to my many questions. I have prayer. Sometimes I feel I get answers but others I don’t. So, I live in a space of trusting, believing. That’s what faith is about for me. Trusting in what I cannot see. I also have the Bible, which I regularly read and seek to understand, but I’m not one to push the Bible in your face or ask “do you know where you’re going when you die?” Honestly? I know that’s one that some Christians love to lead with. For me? Straight up turn off.

And since I’m putting it out there, I wrestle at times to understand what I’m supposed to do in life, like anyone does. I know I don’t have to figure it all out, that I can rely on God for that. But I still try sometimes. That feels normal. Any one of us wrestles, whether it be about why life can be hard lying awake at 3 a.m. or how to understand areas of the Bible that just don’t make sense to me, in today’s times. I am a woman, I’ve cut my hair, I’m still fairly certain that doesn’t condemn me in the end. And I like bacon. I eat it on occasion and have no plans to quit.

I was thinking about all of these matters the other day and was reminded of some of the ridiculous schemes I carried out in my younger years. Plans in my early 20’s I thought were brilliant that more accurately looked like a train about to run off the tracks. But I also look at the context. What was happening at the time. My age, my life experiences to date, what was going on around me, the social context, what was happening in the world – the challenges we faced. All that impacted what was important to me. Those factors impact anyone, at any time, including today. Looking back with the lens I have today is like comparing apples to a watermelon.

That’s where some of my questions come in. If the context and what was going on 30 years ago is so vastly different than now, what would it have been like thousands of years ago when the Bible was written? Different. Looking at it with the lens of today isn’t just apples to a watermelon, it’s apples to, say, a boulder. And that’s where I have questions. Those things are worthy of having conversations around. What is not helpful is to sit around judging each other. That’s not my job, and really, who am I to judge? All that does is create walls and I’d rather look for ways to break those down. The authentic pieces of me are continually being shaped and formed and asking questions to understand is part of that. To bring out and completely understand what I believe, because at the end of the day, my faith is my own. No one else’s. I am responsible for it.

At the end of the day, I have found answers and at the same time, I still have questions. But I know this. Jesus said to love him and love one another. Period. Not if they abstained from bacon or were perfect (none of us have that claim to fame), but simply love each other.

I can do that. No questions asked.

October 14, 2018

Embracing the mess of emotions

Embrace Emotions I cry, often. I know ‘they’ say don’t cry at work, but I’ve been known to. I can remember as a little girl I would cry every time I had to leave my Dad’s house. We knew it was coming. It was predictable. It’s predictable to me now, I know if I’m in an emotional situation, where I feel deeply about something or someone, tears are likely. But don’t be surprised if they come when I’m angry.

I’m not a huge fan of the tears, I’ll be honest. I can pull together my composure quickly these days. Tears are not a tactic, they are the swelling up of a deep emotion inside me. I feel like I should apologize, but I’m not going to.

So often, displays of emotion are pushed aside, either by the person having them or those we’re around. And I get it, displays of emotion make other people uncomfortable. I’ve learned that if a person becomes emotional around me, that the worst thing I can do is minimize whatever it is they might be feeling. Telling someone “don’t cry,” or “there’s no reason to cry about it,” is simply unhelpful. Emotions are a way of reaching out, not a time to shut someone down. Instead, coming alongside someone is more impactful. Tell me more… When you stay in the moment instead of trying to rush past it, there are nuggets.

When emotions happen within me, instead of pushing them aside, I’m getting curious. When the tears fall for me, I ask myself “what’s coming up?” I’ll admit that name the emotion game is not one I’d excel at, but I’m practicing. Frustrated is a catch all for angry, upset, frazzled…hurt. Happy might mean feeling appreciated, grateful, hopeful. Being able to name emotions allows you identify what you’re feeling and understand it. You can roll it around and be interested in why it’s coming up for you.

That’s not always easy. It’s human nature to rush past emotions. They make us uncomfortable. We feel vulnerable and exposed as we sit with emotion. But when we shove them down, like a sleeping bag into one of those stuff sacks that never seem quite big enough, they tend to spill back out. Mine do, all the time.

I hypothesize that years of putting my emotions aside have led to the landslide I frequently experience now. It’s the “be a soldier,” “buck up and move on,” idea that I had. Either I was told or believed it was what I was supposed to do. What I notice is that the more I step into my authentic self, the more I experience emotion. Honestly sometimes it feels like I’m split wide open and raw with emotion. Years of bottling them up spilling out.

And that’s ok. Having emotion, understand my emotions, it doesn’t make me weak. It makes me stronger. Because when we’re authentic, being vulnerable and letting our true self show up with others, there is strength. It’s hard to feel strong when a part of us is being shut down.

Do I want to cry often? Not especially. But understanding it, getting curious about it and making peace with the emotion creates strength. It’s not the end of me, an indictment. It’s not about “the crying.” I’m paying attention to what it’s trying to tell me and nurturing that need, that emotion. It can be messy, but so am I, and I embrace it.

If you were to examine the feelings that arise in you, the emotions, what would they tell you? Where they are coming from? What would it look like to spend time with them, to treat them like a friend trying to tell you something instead of pushing them away? It’s messy work, yes, but brings inner peace. Your authentic self is not something you’re changing into, it’s already there, inside of you. You can use your emotion as a lamp showing you pieces of your authentic self. What you do with those pieces is your journey, the brave journey. I’m on it with you.