Tag: asking for help

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Accepting help brings us closer

Miracle of helpingDeep breaths. Last words I heard the anesthesiologist say to me shortly before I drifted off to la-la land for surgery. Anesthesia is the closest thing to time travel we have these days. One minute you’re in an operating room and the next? You hear your name through a fog, slowly clearer and clearer, until you’re wide awake and looking at the aftermath. I’ve had a few surgeries throughout my life and remember the fading off and waking up from each. Something cemented in my mind.

You listen to your discharge instructions, yeah, yeah, got it. The implication of “non-weight bearing,” only sunk in after I got home and realized the full scope. Particularly in light of the fact I can’t balance on my other leg. I had the uncomfortable feeling of being helpless. Not completely, but most definitely dependent on others. There’s only so much you can do when you’re told to not have your foot unelevated for more than five minutes at a time. Five minutes? Two of those today were spent brushing my teeth! Three more isn’t enough to do much of anything.

So, I have to ask for help. There’s something that happens when we ask for and receive help, for us and the other person. It’s disarming, neutralizing. Especially when the help is needed for physical assistance. Whatever baggage might exist between you and the other rapidly fades as you work together towards a common goal. If you had a conflict, it fades in favor of peaceful co-existence.

But why? If we can erase, or at least diminish, conflict with another person when they are helping us or visa-versa, why won’t it come sooner?

I don’t suppose to have the magical answer, but there’s a common interest, a shared humanity, when you’re in the situation to help someone. Particularly if you both lean in. Being in a position of needing help is a vulnerable place, one where the mere act of asking itself is courage. And when you’re meeting another person’s need for help when they’re in that vulnerable place, you see them differently.

You’ve moved in.

That’s when we see people. In the moments of vulnerability. No masks, no pretense. Raw. Open. Unguarded.

Which may not be what we normally see. We’ve been programmed to be tough, to handle our own challenges. So, when we can’t, it might be a different side of us than people are used to. It’s your authentic self showing up. But those can be the best moments. With someone you trust, sharing an experience.

What if we could recreate the feelings that arise when we’re helping or being helped in everyday life? If we could see people as their true self? Unmasked and leaning in. We’d find ourselves in deeper relationships and healing hurts that keep us apart. That’s where we’d find a miracle. One worth seeking in this journey of life we’re navigating through. Day by day. Moving in to closer relationship. You may not need the help I do right now, but please, let your authentic self be seen. It’s worth the risk. You can do it, your brave my friend, and we’re doing it together.

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Courage: Round Two

IMG_6657I wrote about courage a couple weeks ago, but the thoughts are continuing to roll around in my head. I blame that on Brene Brown.

It’s no secret that I thoroughly enjoy Brene Brown’s teachings, there’s something about her that I get, it clicks. It’s as though they are written to describe my exact challenge, or circumstance. One of the themes she weaves throughout her teachings is the idea of courage , and does it in a way that I love.

She talks about courage not in the traditional sense, but with an eye on owning the responsibility for your life. Asking for what you need, speaking your truth, owning your story, setting boundaries, and reaching out for support. Well…that’ll be no problem…said no one, ever. Seriously, perhaps some of the hardest challenges we face are those that force us to be vulnerable. Of course, Brene is all about vulnerability, so it’s no surprise.

Let’s get our courage mindset going and think about this for a minute. First, speaking your truth. I am honest as the day is long, but at the same time to speak my truth is challenge. It’s being willing to speak to what is truer than true for you. And whatever that is, might not be the most popular, or it might be counter-culture to your group of friends, or your family. They may not agree, or like it. May try to dissuade you. But courage is standing in your truth no matter what anyone else thinks. It’s your truth.

You’re courageous when you own your story. This is the story that resides in your head, that you’re constantly telling yourself to make sense of the world around you. It’s you, filling in the blanks when you don’t have information and what you fill in may or may not be accurate. We have to own that, say it out loud, question it for ourselves to find the actual truth. Owning our story is knowing that we have the ability to control our narrative and at times we have to question what we’re saying.

Ahhh boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, they encourage open honest conversation, and provide you navigation within your relationships and an anchor. Here’s an easy one. I am not a fan of violence and conflict, which is an understatement. I have an internal reaction to it, in my gut, both when it’s happening around me, or on screen. I try to not be avoidant of but to stay within my boundaries would be declining to see a movie that is violence based. It’s taking a break in a conflict situation so that I can return later and have a constructive conversation. Boundaries are knowing what situations and behaviors I will navigate and which are deal breakers, and they’re a tool to talk about it.  When I don’t maintain healthy boundaries, I also feel it in my body. An uncomfortable sensation where I know I’m out of balance with myself. Think about how you feel, what comes up for you, when your boundaries are encroached upon.

Finally, Brene talks about asking for help. My first response is…do I have to? It’s a hard one for me. It’s not because I don’t think people can help me, it’s because I don’t want to be a burden. I worry about inconveniencing others. I want to fly under the radar. But, I do need help. Often. And when I ask, people are more than happy to help me, but it’s having the courage to ask in the first place. When we can have the courage, be brave enough to ask for help, it allows us to stay balanced and not overextend ourselves when it’s not necessary. We’re designed for connection with others and allowing them to help us is part of that dynamic.

Courage is an element of relationship, both with us and with others. As you’ve read through Brene Brown’s elements of courage, was there one that hit you a little harder? That caused you to think twice, pause to reflect? Pay attention to those feelings. We can practice being courageous every day, it might look a little different for you and me, but it’s courage nonetheless. We can support each other through encouragement when we see someone else being courageous, because that’s part of the journey. Being authentic and courageous, and applauding it in others.