Tag: Authenticity

Posted on

Better Boundaries

BoundariesIn the midst of an argument a few years ago, the phrase “drawing a line in the sand” was used towards me. Smack.in.the.face. The phrase conjures division, separation, black/white, a dualistic mindset. It feels like “you’re either with me or against me.” Not a phrase that builds relationships.

So, when I’ve thought about boundaries, line in the sand came to mind. But Brené Brown writes about boundaries and during Dare to Lead™ training, she spoke about them being one of the elements of Daring Leadership. Ok, fine…I’m paying attention. Turns out, boundaries are not only necessary, they’re part of authenticity and courage.

Yet, being an Enneagram 9 a people pleaser in recovery, boundaries feel difficult. How will I keep people happy, keep the peace, if I have boundaries? Don’t boundaries create distance between me and another person?

Turns out, yes and no. Boundaries are essential to our own authenticity. They tell people what is ok and not ok. When Brené talked about it in training, she made it sound like a piece of cake. “It’s ok for you to be frustrated about XX,” “it’s not ok for you to yell at me about it.” Huh. Sounds straightforward to me.

Except.

When I think about setting boundaries, it’s less a “piece of cake” and more a melted mud pie. So messy. But the flip side of not creating boundaries is resentment. If we don’t have a boundary around what’s ok and not ok, we give a “dirty yes,” the yes you regret, and resentment ensues. Not a recipe for successful relationships.

Boundaries are not a “line in the sand,” let’s be clear about that. They aren’t intended to keep people away, rather, they’re rules of engagement. For me, for you, to remain authentic, what is ok behavior and not ok behavior.

In order to create healthy boundaries, we first need to get clear on our values. What’s important to us, what guides the way. And from there, determine what behaviors allow us to stay within those values. I’ve learned from experience (and therapy!) that people pleasing only sets you up to lose track of your values, to operate outside of them so that you can keep someone else happy (which doesn’t really happen anyways.)

Once you’re clear on your values, operationalize them. Decide what they look like in practice and what will keep you authentic around values and what won’t. You could create a mantra to remind yourself. For example, integrity is one of my values. A mantra could look like, “integrity takes courage.” In the case of boundaries, courage because someone might be disappointed with me. And that’s ok. It rubs up against my peacemaking self, but peacemaking shouldn’t come at the cost of accepting behavior that pushes against my integrity and authenticity.

I often write about what I also need to learn and this is no exception. So, along with you, developing boundaries is a work in progress. But in order to stay within our own values, they’re necessary, and courageous. What they’re not is a “line in the sand,” challenging us to either be with or against someone. Instead, they encourage healthy relationships without resentment where we are our authentic selves. If you feel they’re hard, just keep practicing. You are courageous and bold, and beautifully authentic.

 

 

 

Posted on

Permission to feel

feel the feelingsWhile waiting for a flight recently, I struck up conversation with the guy next to me. Turns out, we were on the same journey, a quick weekend in Boston and now headed home. But our reasons couldn’t have been more different. Both were with family, but while mine was fun and adventure, his visited his gravely ill grandmother. He told me he didn’t think he was going to be able to go, but his cousin helped at the last moment. When I asked how she was doing, the answer was not well. It appeared she was going to pass away soon. Without a second breath, I found myself saying how fortunate it was he got to see her. “At least you got to be there.”

And then immediately caught myself. I’d rushed to sympathy instead of sitting with him in the emotion. Instead of empathy. Quickly, I changed course. Leaning in and talking about how hard it must be. Staying with whatever emotion this 20ish guy might be feeling about losing his grandmother.

It’s human nature to rush past emotion. To skip past empathy to get to the place where everything is better. “Look on the bright side,” “Something good will come from this,” “You’re better off.” The list could honestly go on forever, the variations having morphed over time to fit the situation.

Yet, we need to feel emotion, and, when the situation presents itself, to be side by side with others as they feel, if for nothing else to give them time to feel. Feel the highs and the lows.

Another tactic we use, a personal favorite, is to stay busy, productive. Nobody can fault me for that. I’m getting crap done. Except what I most need to do at times, which is to wrestle through the feelings. I know I’m not alone in this tactic, Brené Brown wrote about it;

“Crazy-busy is a great armor, it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.”

Ouch.

Armor is nothing more than the defensive tactics we use to protect ourselves. From emotion, from what we need to feel, from up close life with people, including ourselves. You may be getting a tremendous amount done, hiding behind the socially acceptable guise of productivity, but it’s protection.

When we avoid the feelings, they don’t go away, the burrow down inside of us and wait for the most inopportune time to emerge. It’s because we haven’t looked at them face to face and wrestled through what they’re telling us.

Depending on the circumstance, they can run the gamut. Everything conceivable and even some we don’t want to own up to. I had an interesting conversation with a professional in these matters the other day who told me that societally, women are given permission to feel everything but anger, yet anger is the only emotion men can safely feel.

I found that fascinating but have seen it play out time and time again. I, for one, am quite anger adverse. It feels unsafe to me. Not a rational thought, but it’s the story I tell myself. In fact, I’m quite unaware to any anger I feel. And when faced with anger in another person, it feels more abrasive than it likely is. I feel it in my body, as though my center is being thrown off kilter. But anger is only an emotion. One that each of us can and do feel. The sooner we acknowledge that the better.

So, what of all this? What do we do with the emotions, the feelings?

Get down in the mud and wrestle with them. When we avoid, we defer. The feelings, emotions, will not go away. They lie dormant and until we process through, we might feel stuck.

And to the degree we can support another through the same journey, all the better. Feel the feelings and put down the armor that you think is keeping you safe, but in reality is doing nothing except allowing you to be numb and stuck, and distant from true self and others.

Our journey to authenticity is bumpy, and messy, and emotional. Be brave my dears, we’re on the path together.

Posted on

Worthy now

WorthinessAt the time I was having my children, I lived in Yosemite, aka, the woods, for those not familiar. I’d grown up there and through serendipitous situations, was living and working there as an adult. Somehow, I got it in my head that I’d have my kids naturally, without pain killers. Maybe it was that I had friends having their kids at home, sometimes in the bathtub. No pain killers seemed like a good middle ground. By and large, I did it. I had a little something with the first, because, well, he was nine pounds and a little complicated. But number two, nada. In truth, I think my body was well designed for it.

I remember my Dad commenting that I was a mountain-women for taking the no pain killer route. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but maybe it was a nod to the natural, mountain living, way of doing it. Either way, I’m not going to lie, having them without drugs was a personal badge of honor. Not the first or last time I went for the badge.

Many years later, I decided to walk a marathon. Walk because I’m not a runner and make no excuses about that. Again, my Dad said, “don’t you think you could walk 26 miles?” I did, so he asked me why walk the marathon? To prove to myself I could do it. Ahhhh, there it is.

Proving it. It’s not for the so-called glory. It’s to prove to myself that I can do it. And it’s a path I go down all.the.time. But why? It’s not so other people will notice, or comment. It’s the internal driver. Part of why I used to go out and ride 200 miles on my bike. The company, friends I was with, were a huge plus.

But there’s something about proving it to myself. In my mind, I equate it to a child, adamant in saying “I can do it myself.” I could hypothesize that it’s partially because of my foot amputation at 4 and a drive to show I was like anyone else. But I wouldn’t conclusively say that’s it. In Brené Brown’s work, she talks about it in respect to worthiness.

“Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don’t have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess.” Brené Brown

When we don’t accept ourselves, we work to create the narrative. She’s tough. Persistent. A fighter. You take on the world to show that you’re worthy. Even if you’re only doing it subconsciously.

Truth is, and this is no news flash, I’m far from perfect. Most days I’m a hot mess. And this is nothing new. The difference is that I’m at an age where I understand and accept it. Less inclined to have the urge to prove I’m something other than the person standing in front of you. In the middle part of life where we look long and hard at ourselves and at long last start the process of acceptance.

But there still times my internal “prove it” narrative comes up. It’s my subconscious taunting me. Doubt. The false narrative. And we all have that nagging voice. The work is coming to terms with our own worthiness. Believing that we are worthy, even if we’re a hot mess. When we hustle, when we believe we can’t show up as our true self, we’re not leaning into our authenticity. Only when we’re being authentic are we our full, true self.

What’s your narrative? What are you doing instead of simply being your true self? You’re no worse for accepting your true self. In fact, you’re stronger. We have to stand in our truth, in our authenticity, and believe that we’re worthy. People will either accept us or not, but if they don’t, they’re not our people.

You are worthy. Now. As is. Worthy of love and belonging. Start with accepting yourself and lay down the belief that you need to hustle for your worth. You are perfectly and wonderfully made.

Sending you all the love. Be Brave.

Posted on

Standing in the Wilderness

Stand in the WildernessBold. The word I chose for 2019 which I’m trying to live out. But… in a lot of instances I feel pretty squishy. I am open to a wide variety of perspectives, options. I steer clear of most issues many in the general population get fired up about. Rant about on their social media. It’s just not who I am.

For one, it rubs up against my peacemaking nature. My default is go along to get along. Granted, as I get older I have more opinions about a broader range of topics but given a choice I’ll keep it to myself. Squishy. I can see things both ways.

But…there are a few things. Chocolate, yes. Candy that sticks in your teeth, no. Tacos, yes. Liver, hell no! Ok, that’s easy stuff, but lest I offend you, I’ll hold my tongue on others (in and ode to my true Enneagram 9 self).

The other day I was thinking about the nature behind taking a stand and what has caused me to do so on a few key issues. Key in my life at least. I surprisingly discovered when I’m challenged on my view, I become stronger in my own conviction. I don’t waffle, I don’t change my mind. I get stronger.

The revelation surprised me, and I realized it only in hindsight. Through a recent difficult stretch in life, I was definitely challenged. Or maybe less challenged, more judged, for my perspectives. Which only caused me to feel stronger about my beliefs.

Why does that happen? We can go one of two ways when challenged. Either crumble, acquiesce, or we can take a stand. Stand for what we believe for that belief that it at the essence of who we are. What I experienced in real life was what Brené Brown describes in her book Braving the Wilderness. She writes about what people are most worried about, and in her research found:

“the idea of belonging that was most important, with many yearning to “be part of something–to experience real connection with others–but not at the cost of their authenticity, freedom or power.”

We all desire to belong and human nature often twists that into that tendency to get along for the sake of it. Which only leads to our own dissatisfaction. Brené goes on to say:

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

For one of the first times, and perhaps the most important time, I’ve taken a stand. More than that, I’ve shifted how I show up in life, and what is ok for me and what’s not.

And I found myself in the wilderness.

In the relationship where I was bravely authentic, where I took a stand, the wilderness became my solace. There’s peace in the wilderness when you know that you have stood up for what you believe. Have quietly, but firmly, remained authentic in the face of opposition. Only in that place can you truly understand what it requires to have belonging that comes from your own self-acceptance. Belonging not dependent upon other’s approval.

Taking a stand for what you believe honors your authentic self. It’s tangible evidence to yourself that your opinion, your belief matters. Hold on to that. Risk braving the wilderness. You’re worth it.

 

Posted on

Finding sun in the storm

Just show upIt’s normal for our lives to ebb and flow and you may have times where you feel you won’t survive. The pain, the struggle, is too hard. Take a breath, think of one of those times now.  Got it? I have mine. The feelings that come from merely thinking about those times make my blood pressure rise, my cheeks feel hot, my throat constricted.

Feelings that arise in times of struggle can feel crushing. Your brain becomes like mush, you might feel as though you can’t see a way through. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. If it is a season in your life, you might find yourself on auto drive. Going through the motions. Barely emerging from your self-created shell enough to engage with the world around you.

Sound familiar?

In those moments, the struggle, the pain we feel overshadows our ability to think our way through it. Yet, there is always another way. Without much effort, you can find an easy path. An escape. A distraction.

Television. That’s my go to. When I consciously or unconsciously want to escape, I’ll fall headlong into a binge-fest of mindless television. What’s funny to me about it is that I normally don’t particularly care about watching TV at all. Do I have shows I enjoy – yes – I mean, I’m a normal human person. But to sit in front of the TV for hours at a time? Nope, not my style. In times of struggle? Hours and hours on end. I have rules about it though, I won’t start watching until after noon, but then it’s game on. Some people have other escapes like drinking alcohol, shopping, perusing social media…you know your vice. But TV gives me an escape.

Yet, even during those times, I’m aware I’m falling down the wormhole. Aware that it’s a beautiful day outside, I sit in my comfy recliner watching the trials and tribulations on my show. It can feel like there’s no choice, like you’re unable to do anything else.

That’s not true. While the escape can prove helpful for a time, it’s not a long -solution. You always have a choice. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it’s the truth. We all have a choice. It’s our life. We can choose to stay in struggle or we can do one thing. We can show up. We can stop phoning it in, stop faking it.

It may not feel like it, but simply taking one step when we’re in struggle is brave. Maybe you have coffee with a friend, go to yoga in the park, write in your journal…take a shower. It’s one step in the direction of engaging with your life. It’s a step that you can do without faking it. In my opinion, while there are times when ‘fake it till you make it’ comes in handy, it shouldn’t be a go to. Instead, choose the one thing that brings you joy and do it with all your heart.

Those hard times? The times when you can’t get off the couch? They’ll pass. One thing each day to engage with your life, that might be all you can do during those seasons. But one day, you’ll wake up and the sun will be shining outside…and in your heart. The storm has passed.

Just show up

Posted on

Ordinary Courage

Ordinary CourageThe energy contained in tiny humans never ceases to amaze me. We recently spent 3 days playing at Universal Studios Hollywood with my husband’s son and his family. The 2 grand kids are 6 and 4 and the energy contained within those combined 10 years is beyond description. We played in the park all day and they swam like fish at the hotel pool in the evening. No naps. I wanted a nap just watching them!

They’d never experienced roller coasters before and we weren’t sure what they’d be up for, but they are daredevils. The older one rode everything – even the Mummy – which races you at 45 mph, in the dark, with skeletons. That’s where he found his limit. After riding, he admitted it was scary and it wasn’t on our repeat list. He tried even though he was nervous about it. That’s courage.

Last week at work, I managed through a challenging moment with one of our leaders. Partway through, when it hadn’t played out as anticipated, she told me she was disappointed I hadn’t addressed the situation differently in the moment. We talked about it, I could see her perspective and we reworked our direction together. I appreciated her perspective and that she shared with me so that we could find a solution together. She expressed her true feeling in the moment, allowed us the opportunity to get on the same page, leading to a needed outcome. That’s courage.

It’s easy to roll past the ordinary moments in life where we show courage. Whenever you are vulnerable, share your heart, ride a roller coaster, those are moments of courage. When you have a tough conversation, that’s courage. It’s easy to equate courage only with moments of heroism. Where you fight a lion, battle an adversary, jump off a cliff – actions that are clearly courageous.

The ordinary moments though, those are the real deal. Brene Brown shares that the original definition of courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. In and of itself, that feels hard. Putting your heart out there, not knowing or being able to control the outcome, is terrifying. But once you’ve done it, even if it doesn’t turn out like you’d hoped, there’s a sense of peace because you’ve shared your heart. Being courageous doesn’t isolate you from hard feelings. But it leads to an authentic you. If you’re constantly being and doing what you think others expect, it’ll never lead to your authentic self. That only comes from courage.

If you pay attention, you’ll notice the ordinary moments where you are courageous. And once you do, build on them. Even if sharing your heart sucks and is hard (which it can be). Do it anyways. The discomfort you feel in the moment is preferable to not living authentically. You have it in you. We all do. Be brave, be bold and be yourself. You are courageous.

 

Posted on

What sparks your joy?

Tidying UpI finally did it. I’ve watched episodes of The Art of Tidying up with Marie Kondo. I’ve talked about it. I’ve encouraged others to do it. I fully embraced the idea on behalf of other people. In fact, I embraced it within my own home…everywhere but my closet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Let me take that back, I did, but not the full, throw your clothes in the middle of the room and start from scratch version.

Until yesterday. I was having breakfast with a girlfriend who has done significant cleaning out of her closet. She spoke of how freeing it was. How happy she was to enter her closet in the morning and not spend hours debating what to wear. I recall reading during the Obama presidency that Barrack had a standard look, nearly always wearing the same style and material — a two-button, single-breasted suit jacket and single pleated pant with inch-and-a-quarter cuffs. It was called “The Obama Suit.” He’d mix it up by switching his tie, blue or red. That’s it. With the number of critical decisions, he had to make each day, he said he wanted to eliminate what to wear from the equation. If the leader of the free world could simplify his wardrobe, there was hope for me.

I was finally convinced, or maybe better said, resigned, to ‘Sparking Joy’ in my closet. (If you’re unfamiliar, Marie says to hold each item and ask yourself if it sparks joy.) Admittedly, I have an attachment to my clothes. I converted a spare bedroom into a Diva Den/ closet…it’s my happy space. I have enjoyed procuring my wardrobe. The sales, the deals, the beautiful items. But over the years, even though I have cleaned it out here and there, I haven’t really combed through and given away the items that don’t serve me.

As I piled the clothes into the middle, I felt growing stress in my gut. I twinge that I was betraying them. They’d waited patiently to be worn, some longer than others. In Kondo’s method, you pick up each piece and decide if it sparks joy. If not, you thank it and put it in the giveaway pile. I put on my jammin’ girl anthem songs and got going. The fact that my anxiety level was mitigated only by dancing around my room told me I needed to do this. I discerned if I was feeling joy or was it just reflux with each item.

The giveaway pile grew and eventually I made it through everything on the floor and moved on to drawers. In the end, I amassed what I’d call a good-sized pile to give away. When I was done, I thought about the feelings I’d had during the process. The goal for me was to create happiness in my closet instead of feeling overwhelmed by decisions each time I went in to get dressed. Reduce decision fatigue and the body shaming that came from picking out an item only to have it not fit or fit poorly  -#midlifechallenges.

Goal accomplished. At least I think so. I think I still have a hangover from the stress of the process. I know it was supposed to spark joy, and I’m looking for it. Here’s what I know. The desire to reserve my energy for the positive aspects of life is compelling. I’m also weary of the feelings and negative self-talk when I get dressed in the morning. Did I spark joy? I’m going to say yes. Joy because I weeded through the feelings that had held me back from this process. Joy in taking bold steps towards what I want to have in my life.

What will bring you joy? It might not be your closet, but could you make a choice to surround yourself only with people and items that bring you joy? There are so many factors in life that we cannot control, but we can choose to bring joy into our surroundings. Look around you and ask yourself if you see joy. If not – get moving. Spark joy within yourself and then spread it to the people around you.

 

Posted on

Moving forward…BOLDly

Lisa ClarksburgOver the past year, I’ve been knee deep in one self-development book or another. The whole year. I’ve read about writing, the Enneagram, becoming courageous…there’s been Brene Brown, embracing my messy life, starting my day, a few different diet books, throw in a few books related to my faith and there you have it. A whole lot of learning. My desire to read ramped back up this year after a several year siesta, and I was delighted to be along for the ride.

Yet…my brain is tired. I think nearly every single book I read taught me something, stretched me, afforded me an opportunity to look at what was in front of me from a different angle. All good, honestly. But over the last week, I haven’t wanted to crack open the ones I have in progress. Instead, reading Becoming, Michelle Obama’s autobiography. A lovely diversion.

What I’ve realized is that I’ve been in preparation mode. Learning, shifting, stretching my thought process, expanding. All of which are important, and helpful for personal growth. It’s part of the change cycle. Upward growth followed by a leveling out. That’s where I am, leveled out, ready to put it into action (which of course will lead to additional growth). I’ve been making micro-shifts along the way, but now I feel a stirring inside me to do more.

The growth, the leveling factors into the word I’ve chosen for the new year. Interestingly, I didn’t work at finding this word, I feel like it found me. As I rolled into the later part of the year, I felt it bubbling up. A whisper in my mind. The thought that I have important ideas to share, contributions to make and I’ve spent a great deal of time avoiding using my voice, but now it’s time.

BOLD. It’s the word that will be a compass for me in the coming year. Challenging me. Pushing to find opportunities to use my voice without fear. I believe the time is now because I’ve done the work to figure out what my voice is. What is true to me. Over this last year, I’ve been exposed to situations where others are using their voice in different ways. At times, for productive conversations, and in other moments, speaking from a place that felt like anger. I’ve found that when others speak of causes or situations from a place of outrage, I connect less than when the conversation is approached from the perspective of finding a path forward. Yet, I know that some people might connect differently.

My BOLD represents my authentic self. The brave me who stays true to who I am. Who does not compromise myself in order to fit in. Who writes and speaks BOLDLY for the purpose of growth, and learning, and understanding. I don’t have the map of what that will look like, a little, ok, a lot, scary. I’m up for it. I don’t need all the answers to get going. That’s part of being BOLD.

Now it’s your turn. What word has been rolling around in your mind, in your heart? What will be your guidepost for the coming year? Play with it, let it live within you, and when it’s ready, the word will become clear, because it’s been there the entire time.

Posted on

Embracing the mess of emotions

Embrace EmotionsI cry, often. I know ‘they’ say don’t cry at work, but I’ve been known to. I can remember as a little girl I would cry every time I had to leave my Dad’s house. We knew it was coming. It was predictable. It’s predictable to me now, I know if I’m in an emotional situation, where I feel deeply about something or someone, tears are likely. But don’t be surprised if they come when I’m angry.

I’m not a huge fan of the tears, I’ll be honest. I can pull together my composure quickly these days. Tears are not a tactic, they are the swelling up of a deep emotion inside me. I feel like I should apologize, but I’m not going to.

So often, displays of emotion are pushed aside, either by the person having them or those we’re around. And I get it, displays of emotion make other people uncomfortable. I’ve learned that if a person becomes emotional around me, that the worst thing I can do is minimize whatever it is they might be feeling. Telling someone “don’t cry,” or “there’s no reason to cry about it,” is simply unhelpful. Emotions are a way of reaching out, not a time to shut someone down. Instead, coming alongside someone is more impactful. Tell me more… When you stay in the moment instead of trying to rush past it, there are nuggets.

When emotions happen within me, instead of pushing them aside, I’m getting curious. When the tears fall for me, I ask myself “what’s coming up?” I’ll admit that name the emotion game is not one I’d excel at, but I’m practicing. Frustrated is a catch all for angry, upset, frazzled…hurt. Happy might mean feeling appreciated, grateful, hopeful. Being able to name emotions allows you identify what you’re feeling and understand it. You can roll it around and be interested in why it’s coming up for you.

That’s not always easy. It’s human nature to rush past emotions. They make us uncomfortable. We feel vulnerable and exposed as we sit with emotion. But when we shove them down, like a sleeping bag into one of those stuff sacks that never seem quite big enough, they tend to spill back out. Mine do, all the time.

I hypothesize that years of putting my emotions aside have led to the landslide I frequently experience now. It’s the “be a soldier,” “buck up and move on,” idea that I had. Either I was told or believed it was what I was supposed to do. What I notice is that the more I step into my authentic self, the more I experience emotion. Honestly sometimes it feels like I’m split wide open and raw with emotion. Years of bottling them up spilling out.

And that’s ok. Having emotion, understand my emotions, it doesn’t make me weak. It makes me stronger. Because when we’re authentic, being vulnerable and letting our true self show up with others, there is strength. It’s hard to feel strong when a part of us is being shut down.

Do I want to cry often? Not especially. But understanding it, getting curious about it and making peace with the emotion creates strength. It’s not the end of me, an indictment. It’s not about “the crying.” I’m paying attention to what it’s trying to tell me and nurturing that need, that emotion. It can be messy, but so am I, and I embrace it.

If you were to examine the feelings that arise in you, the emotions, what would they tell you? Where they are coming from? What would it look like to spend time with them, to treat them like a friend trying to tell you something instead of pushing them away? It’s messy work, yes, but brings inner peace. Your authentic self is not something you’re changing into, it’s already there, inside of you. You can use your emotion as a lamp showing you pieces of your authentic self. What you do with those pieces is your journey, the brave journey. I’m on it with you.