Tag: boundaries

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You don’t have to be a good girl

Yesterday morning, I spoke with My Village Well, joined by a group of women who regularly gather for growth, connection, laughter and, on occasion, tears. My topic was Rising Strong, based on the work of Brené Brown in her book by the same name. Chosen because we will all need a path to rise from 2020, the topic led to a spirited conversation about boundaries and, interestingly enough, the consensus that many of us are tired of being a good girl.

The short path to get there

You might have the Talking Heads in your mind right now and their classic, “How did I get here?” How indeed.

As women, the idea that we would venture out and pursue a life that is something other than what we’re ‘supposed to’ do is foreign. At least it was to me. Long entrenched in the idea that I was supposed to ‘behave,’ and go wit the flow, any action to the contrary caused me internal turmoil. If an important person in my life said I ‘should’ veer in a particular direction, I’ve largely done it. The result being that other people defined what should be meaningful in my life.

For example, the idea of volunteering. Do I believe volunteering is important? Absolutely. Am I out doing on the regular? I am not. I have been cajoled, prodded, coerced, and shamed into volunteering. Why? Because ‘good girls’ do it, so naturally, so should I.

What if I dissent?

Our social construct creates obstacles for those who choose to dissent. Simply, dissent means to differ in opinion. We’ve heard Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s dissents discussed this week as being written for the future. For generations to come. Interestingly, in polite society, to dissent with someone might create conflict and tension. But why?  If dissent is merely a difference in opinion, a different take on the matter, aren’t we all allowed to do so? Or does dissent remove us from the Good Girls Club?

As we talked about it yesterday, it occurred to me that boundaries, which we all need to one degree or another, are a form of dissent. A boundary is me telling you what’s ok and what’s not ok. It’s establishing a relationship parameter for the future. Yet, dissent is often seen less as a different in opinion but instead resistance or the opposition. And good girls do not engage in resistance.

If we’re living a Wholehearted Life as Brené Brown writes about in The Gifts of Imperfection, one of our Guideposts is letting go a ‘supposed to and should and cultivating meaningful work.’ I’ve been focusing on it throughout September and continue to see areas where I’ve given in to supposed to. Good girls do that.

It’s ok to not be a good girl

No, really, it’s true. Of the 7,300,000,000 (yes, that’s seven BILLION…) results that come up on Google upon entering ‘what is a good girl’ into the search bar, this one caught my eye:

             The “good girl” definition of good is to be passive, submissive and compliant. A good girl won’t be solving problems, feeding the homeless and making the world a better place. She’s good by her own twisted definition of good. And anyone who doesn’t adhere to her paradigm of goodness is most likely, in her mind, bad

Dissenting, having our own opinions, creating boundaries and a plan for ourselves does not make us bad. As women, we would do ourselves a huge favor to let go of the good girl paradigm, of ‘supposed to,’ and instead, make our own path.

We can choose Rising Strong

Using Brown’s Rising Strong process, we can have our own reckoning and consider what we feel, what emotion or false truth has hooked us and impacted our thinking and behavior. Next, we rumble, and unlike in West Side Story, nobody must die. We may be influenced by other people but choosing to go down their path was a choice. Rumbling with our choices leads to coming to grips with our responsibility in our own story…the ways we’ve put on the good girl dress and left it on. Finally, we have the revolution, our opportunity to change. To make different choices because we see our own complicity in our stories.

Integrating our learning with future choices, it’s how we move from ‘supposed to and should,’ to meaningful. How we give up the good girl persona and become our own person, one who we define and who claims her own agency. One who may dissent…and I hope we do…because the world needs our voices. We can rise strong. I believe in us. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Better Boundaries

BoundariesIn the midst of an argument a few years ago, the phrase “drawing a line in the sand” was used towards me. Smack.in.the.face. The phrase conjures division, separation, black/white, a dualistic mindset. It feels like “you’re either with me or against me.” Not a phrase that builds relationships.

So, when I’ve thought about boundaries, line in the sand came to mind. But Brené Brown writes about boundaries and during Dare to Lead™ training, she spoke about them being one of the elements of Daring Leadership. Ok, fine…I’m paying attention. Turns out, boundaries are not only necessary, they’re part of authenticity and courage.

Yet, being an Enneagram 9 a people pleaser in recovery, boundaries feel difficult. How will I keep people happy, keep the peace, if I have boundaries? Don’t boundaries create distance between me and another person?

Turns out, yes and no. Boundaries are essential to our own authenticity. They tell people what is ok and not ok. When Brené talked about it in training, she made it sound like a piece of cake. “It’s ok for you to be frustrated about XX,” “it’s not ok for you to yell at me about it.” Huh. Sounds straightforward to me.

Except.

When I think about setting boundaries, it’s less a “piece of cake” and more a melted mud pie. So messy. But the flip side of not creating boundaries is resentment. If we don’t have a boundary around what’s ok and not ok, we give a “dirty yes,” the yes you regret, and resentment ensues. Not a recipe for successful relationships.

Boundaries are not a “line in the sand,” let’s be clear about that. They aren’t intended to keep people away, rather, they’re rules of engagement. For me, for you, to remain authentic, what is ok behavior and not ok behavior.

In order to create healthy boundaries, we first need to get clear on our values. What’s important to us, what guides the way. And from there, determine what behaviors allow us to stay within those values. I’ve learned from experience (and therapy!) that people pleasing only sets you up to lose track of your values, to operate outside of them so that you can keep someone else happy (which doesn’t really happen anyways.)

Once you’re clear on your values, operationalize them. Decide what they look like in practice and what will keep you authentic around values and what won’t. You could create a mantra to remind yourself. For example, integrity is one of my values. A mantra could look like, “integrity takes courage.” In the case of boundaries, courage because someone might be disappointed with me. And that’s ok. It rubs up against my peacemaking self, but peacemaking shouldn’t come at the cost of accepting behavior that pushes against my integrity and authenticity.

I often write about what I also need to learn and this is no exception. So, along with you, developing boundaries is a work in progress. But in order to stay within our own values, they’re necessary, and courageous. What they’re not is a “line in the sand,” challenging us to either be with or against someone. Instead, they encourage healthy relationships without resentment where we are our authentic selves. If you feel they’re hard, just keep practicing. You are courageous and bold, and beautifully authentic.

 

 

 

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How to say Yes to the right things

Can't do it allCalifornia recently emerged from a drought that lasted 376 weeks. From December 2011 to March 2017, the state endured one of the most intense droughts in California history. The cause was attributed to a ridge of high pressure in the Pacific Ocean, named the “Ridiculously Resilient Ridge” which often barred winter storms from reaching the state. Researchers can see evidence of past droughts by analyzing tree rings, smaller during periods of drought.

For those of you living in the state, you will recall the winter storm blasts beginning in 2017. Snow for days. The cumulative effect resulted in the state being declared drought free by mid-March 2019. I live not far from Truckee, California – near Lake Tahoe – and the stories of the snow piling up around the town were intense. There was literally nowhere to put the snow it fell in such abundant quantities.

At the same time the California drought was in a period of recovery, my creative life was in a season of drought. The internal stirring to create was strong, but nothing was happening. Creativity for me is more than creative arts, yes, it’s that, painting, writing, but it’s also putting together groups, pouring into others. That area? Nothing, nada. And I felt it rolling around inside me in the form of frustration. I kept dreaming and the “I want to,” phrase was one I told myself frequently as I worked through ideas, but they never came to fruition.

Until they did.

Within the last month, it’s as though the floodgates have opened. The drought ended, and rain began pouring from the sky. When that happens after a period of environmental drought? There’s a risk of a flash flood. The ground can only absorb the moisture so fast and the additional water must go somewhere, anywhere.

What was one, two opportunities became five and six and as I reflected on the abundance, on how I would juggle, a mixture of excitement and overwhelmed was cooking inside me. Overwhelmed won, for a moment.

But I realized that I had a choice. I could do anything I wanted, but I couldn’t do it all. Tough to come to grips with for someone who prides herself just that. Who doesn’t want to let anyone down by saying no. At this phase in life though, wisdom prevailed. We might think we have to do it all, but we don’t. What we need to do is realize where our strengths and talents lie and lean in. The other stuff, the stuff that’s fun and we have interest in?  That’s all well and good, but if it spreads us too thin, if it pulls away from our area of strength, should we pursue it? For me, the answer was no.

Because, although the period of drought is fresh in my mind, thinking that there will never be other opportunities like this is a scarcity mindset. There will be more. For any of us, if we choose an abundance mindset, there will be more. When we have the abundance mindset, it’s easier to stay within our boundaries. Saying yes to the right things and being comfortable saying no to the not quite right things.

What are you saying yes to right now that you should be saying no? The choice is yours but if you’re saying a soft yes, a wavering yes, an “I guess so,” yes…the answer is probably no. You can say no. There will be more. And when you can say a strong yes? You’ll know it’s right and as you lean in to your areas of strength, you’ll find abundance will continue to flow into all the right places in your life.

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Courage: Round Two

IMG_6657I wrote about courage a couple weeks ago, but the thoughts are continuing to roll around in my head. I blame that on Brene Brown.

It’s no secret that I thoroughly enjoy Brene Brown’s teachings, there’s something about her that I get, it clicks. It’s as though they are written to describe my exact challenge, or circumstance. One of the themes she weaves throughout her teachings is the idea of courage , and does it in a way that I love.

She talks about courage not in the traditional sense, but with an eye on owning the responsibility for your life. Asking for what you need, speaking your truth, owning your story, setting boundaries, and reaching out for support. Well…that’ll be no problem…said no one, ever. Seriously, perhaps some of the hardest challenges we face are those that force us to be vulnerable. Of course, Brene is all about vulnerability, so it’s no surprise.

Let’s get our courage mindset going and think about this for a minute. First, speaking your truth. I am honest as the day is long, but at the same time to speak my truth is challenge. It’s being willing to speak to what is truer than true for you. And whatever that is, might not be the most popular, or it might be counter-culture to your group of friends, or your family. They may not agree, or like it. May try to dissuade you. But courage is standing in your truth no matter what anyone else thinks. It’s your truth.

You’re courageous when you own your story. This is the story that resides in your head, that you’re constantly telling yourself to make sense of the world around you. It’s you, filling in the blanks when you don’t have information and what you fill in may or may not be accurate. We have to own that, say it out loud, question it for ourselves to find the actual truth. Owning our story is knowing that we have the ability to control our narrative and at times we have to question what we’re saying.

Ahhh boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, they encourage open honest conversation, and provide you navigation within your relationships and an anchor. Here’s an easy one. I am not a fan of violence and conflict, which is an understatement. I have an internal reaction to it, in my gut, both when it’s happening around me, or on screen. I try to not be avoidant of but to stay within my boundaries would be declining to see a movie that is violence based. It’s taking a break in a conflict situation so that I can return later and have a constructive conversation. Boundaries are knowing what situations and behaviors I will navigate and which are deal breakers, and they’re a tool to talk about it.  When I don’t maintain healthy boundaries, I also feel it in my body. An uncomfortable sensation where I know I’m out of balance with myself. Think about how you feel, what comes up for you, when your boundaries are encroached upon.

Finally, Brene talks about asking for help. My first response is…do I have to? It’s a hard one for me. It’s not because I don’t think people can help me, it’s because I don’t want to be a burden. I worry about inconveniencing others. I want to fly under the radar. But, I do need help. Often. And when I ask, people are more than happy to help me, but it’s having the courage to ask in the first place. When we can have the courage, be brave enough to ask for help, it allows us to stay balanced and not overextend ourselves when it’s not necessary. We’re designed for connection with others and allowing them to help us is part of that dynamic.

Courage is an element of relationship, both with us and with others. As you’ve read through Brene Brown’s elements of courage, was there one that hit you a little harder? That caused you to think twice, pause to reflect? Pay attention to those feelings. We can practice being courageous every day, it might look a little different for you and me, but it’s courage nonetheless. We can support each other through encouragement when we see someone else being courageous, because that’s part of the journey. Being authentic and courageous, and applauding it in others.