Do you remember making a Christmas list as a child? I recently took a gander at my 11 year-old nieces’ lists. Let me tell you, things have changed. Here’s a sample: Air pod pros (real – code for ‘don’t cheap out mom and dad’ – my words, not hers), Lululemon leggings, blankets, James Charles eyeshadow palette (I’m a 53 year old woman and don’t know who that is?!?), pretty necklaces, mascara, new comfy pillows, shaving cream. While my list at 11 was probably starting to include clothes, I couldn’t help but laugh, especially when I got to shaving cream. When you’re young, a big part of Christmas is presents. I don’t recall when it happened but there comes a point when Christmas is no longer about presents, it’s about presence.
Families coming together
When I inherited boxes of pictures from my Grandmother, looking through the family history captured by her Kodak 110 camera made me smile. Particularly those of Christmas. Our family would gather in a cramped living room and open presents on Christmas Eve. Grandparents, Great Grandparents, Aunts, my Uncle. There was the year I threw up all over assorted relatives. Convinced I’d been poisoned by a marshmallow chocolate, I swore them off for years. I’m pretty sure though it was just the flu. We all have memories of family gatherings, some more eclectic than others. But at a young age, I cared about presents, it wasn’t about presence.
Before I got savvy to Santa, he made an appearance each year…right around the time my Dad would go missing. I lived in Yosemite Village and my neighbor would also dress up as Santa each year. Parents would leave their ‘Santa gifts’ outside the front door, which he would deliver as he made his way through the Village on Christmas Eve. Traditions those of us raised in that magical setting continue to reminisce about.
Reminiscing this year
If it were not 2020, I would have already jumped on a plane travelling to visit family in Florida. But it is. Families are scattered across the country and unable to gather. Our ‘people’ might be far away, or may be close, but in the name of the greater good, Christmas looks different. Gatherings are reduced, if held at all. My house will have my two grown boys and me. Christmas, party of three.
And although the skirted floor beneath my tree is littered with presents, I’m wishing for more presence. Grateful that I can be with my boys, yes, and missing extended family. Because, contrary to time spent at holidays when we were young, in this phase of life, presence is more important than presents.
Creating a new type of presence
While we may be tired of looking at screens, one positive outcome of 2020 is more face time. Previously, our extended family may have received a phone call every few weeks, but 2020 has invoked a sense of urgency to physically laying our eyes on our people. Early in the pandemic, my Florida family and those of us in California had a weekly Zoom call. After a few months it tapered off, but we still gather online for birthdays or celebrations.
The desire to connect has become stronger in 2020, not only for my family, but for everyone as we’re all impacted by the pandemic. Doing that safely has made physical visits rare. In the early part of 2020, the increase in video app downloads had increased 90% over 2019. It’s our new normal. The ‘present’ we all crave is presence, which we achieve via video chat. Does it allow me to hug my parents, my grandpa, my siblings, nieces and nephews? It does not. But it allows us to be present with each other and see expressions and feel connected.
The path forward
We’re all asking ourselves if next Christmas will be different, if it will be back to normal. My two cents are that what we considered ‘normal’ no longer exists. And, the truth is, normal is not the same for all. While many families have complicated relationships, some have trauma and dysfunction that this year may have provided a break from…or amplified. Normal is subjective. Will next Christmas return to what each of us have experienced in the past, whatever shape or form that took? I can not predict, and for some, that is a relief.
What I do know is that presence will remain more important than presents. You may find that connection with family, or with friends who are family. My hope is that we’ll continue to work collectively be safe, and to improve the ways we gather. In the meantime, continue to schedule your video calls and let your people see your face when you tell them how much they mean to you and I love you. That’s the type of present we all need. Be Brave my friends. Lisa
Today is Christmas and soon my family will rise to start the day. In the quiet moments before anyone else is awake, I’m thinking about the beginning. I was fortunate to go on a pilgrimage this year to Israel and visit the site where Jesus was born. So simple, more of a cave than a stable. Likely surrounded by sheep, which seems fitting since he became the shepherd for all people.