Tag: Coaching

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What do you need to discover within silence?

Unexpected circumstances led to my son returning to live with me two weeks ago, accompanied by his puppy. Koa is a year and a half, we believe a full blood Australian Shepherd, and attached to Bodie’s hip. Seriously. She follows him everywhere and only now, two weeks in, do I see her entertaining the idea that I may not be a threat. Yesterday, she remained on the ottoman with my feet long after Bodie made his way upstairs. Win.

What lies in the silence?

I’m no canine expert, in fact only within the past few years have I completely overcome my intense fear of dogs. The multiple dog bites of my youth cemented that. But what strikes me about Koa is her silence. Rarely does she bark, I can’t recall hearing her whine – even when patiently sitting next to me while I prepare dinner using her mind melting skills…drop.the.carrot. She’s sweet as can be, but she’s also timid and shy. Less so as she warms up to me, but she hasn’t let down her guard yet.

As I’ve been observing her, coupled with Bodie’s belief that she was abused based on her behavior (he’s had her 2 months), I wonder about the life she lived with her prior owner. A life which resulted in her shying away, approaching you with her head down, responding in a non-correlative way to correction…far more reactive than the rebuke she’s given.

Unlocking your inner-self

My heart wishes that she could tell me what her soul feels. What is locked inside from her life experiences so that we could help heal her with our love.

It’s the same thing I want for myself. The same thing I want for you.

Literally zero people escaped their childhood without scars which impact how we interact with our selves, other people and the world around us. Zero. Do not try to tell me you’re the one because I’d be happy to dig into it with you. It doesn’t have to be catastrophic to be impactful. In fact, most of the time, it’s the day to day way you adapted to your circumstances that leave lasting imprints.

Armed with our unique lens, we land in the middle of life. Often ill equipped to maneuver our way through relationships with ourselves or others, we may remain silent. We may not have been taught the tools to talk about how we feel, what we’re experiencing, what we desire. Those were certainly not part of the parent manual I received. What to Expect when you’re Expecting told me what would happen to my body, how large the baby was, basically how to keep them alive once they were born. I do not remember one word about developing emotional literacy or talking about hard things.

We all need practice

Lacking the tools, we don’t express our hearts, what we’re feeling, what is happening within us. And within our inner silence, we know there’s more. We can sense it, feel it, taste it. But it’s just outside our grasp. We may be afraid of what’s happening in that inner space and falsely believe no one would love us if they really knew. Knew the thoughts we had, or our true desires. We’d be too much, we wouldn’t be meeting their expectations, we’d disappoint them.

Maybe.

Step into your full self

But at the end of the day, I’m starting to believe it doesn’t matter. We must cultivate our own story, put words to our experiences, discover what lies within our silence and allow ourselves to be seen and heard. Without our cover story. Simply as we are. Because we’re allowed to act differently, think differently, express ourselves differently. And when we don’t? We may as well be Koa, trapped within herself, silent…not able to express that she’s afraid, scared, nervous, or whatever it is she might be feeling based on her life thus far.

We have a choice. To step out of our own silence and into the light where we let people see who we are. Unafraid. Heads held high. I see you and am with you my friend. Be brave.

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How are you getting what you need?

Quick. On one hand count how often you got together in April 2019 with 15 of your girlfriends at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning to practice meditation and Koia? The answer? Zero. Perhaps even less than zero because you may very well have been asleep. In the era of shelter in place, my answer for April 2020 is 3 out of 3 thanks to my social and mileage-wise distanced friend Michelle. In what I’d describe divinely inspired, she created the Self-Love Project through her coaching company, My Village Well. Bringing together her village of women, which I’ve stumbled into, she hosts workshops throughout the year.

Creating Connection

Addressing our shelter in place requirement thanks to COVID, she created the project to provide space for women to feel and simply be for an hour. In the midst of all the noise which we’re faced with surrounding the pandemic, taking time to breathe feels precious and soul nurturing. Today, her guest speaker Nicole led the group through a short, mindful, Koia practice, which basically involves movement, dance and connection to your body. We danced to the Rolling Stones singing You Can’t Always Get What You Want, after which she encouraged us to journal following the prompt…I might not be getting what I want, but where am I getting what I need? As she spoke the words, I had an aha moment.

Letting go of scarcity

Throughout April, I’ve been focusing on the Wholehearted Living Guidepost of ‘letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark’. If you think God doesn’t have a sense of humor, think again, because having pre-chosen that, not knowing we’d be sheltering in place seems serendipitous. Focus on letting go when it feels as though we’re gazing into the eye of scarcity every single moment.

So, I pondered where the aha was taking me, and thought about the abundance rising out of COVID. I rarely know what I want, it’s my internal struggle. An Enneagram 9, I avoid disrupting the peace and as a result have been known to go along to get along. And I’ve made it my mission to push myself into defining what I want, what I need. It’s not easy. Although I’m working at home through shelter in place, I also have an abundance of time to breathe and ponder what I want and need. I have plenty, not lack.

It appears that what I need is time. Space. A slower pace. I’ve found myself releasing the internal drive (I may be an Enneagram 9, but my 1 wing is strong) to be in motion. The 1 that often overshadows my easygoing 9 self and tells her to get out of the chair and DO. What I need is connection at a heart level, which Michelle’s Self Love Project Saturdays provide.

What do you need?

My question for you is the same, if you aren’t getting what you want, where are you getting what you need? Take 15 minutes out of your day and spend 5 dancing to the song that allows you to shake it out and then another 10 minutes journalling your thoughts about the question. What you find may surprise you. Because when we’re paying attention, we can see abundance and there is joy in the midst of whatever this is we’ve experiencing. We simply need to slow down and see it. Be brave my friends, I’m on the journey with you.

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Looking for stillness within scarcity

Rarely do we see scarcity on the wide scale basis we are today. Beyond day to day niceties, eating out, shopping in a physical store, getting my nails done (that struggle is real), the sense of ‘lack’ is a shared reality.

We lack human interaction, spending time with friends or family, we lack connection…shared experiences. We lack physical touch from another human person. Social distancing put an end, at least for the moment, to human to human life. For our own, and others, safety, we stay at home. I live alone at the moment and other than talking to people at the grocery store or drive through at Starbucks from six feet away, I have no in person connection. But lack is not limited to me because I’m single. It’s pervasive. Across socio-economic boundaries, regions, personal circumstances. We’re spending abundant amounts of time alone, or with one or two other people.

Scarcity becoming stillness

When I was 35, I was newly divorced and living in a new city – alone. My children were with their father and I unexpectedly found myself grappling with an empty house. I can recall being profoundly miserable. Lonely. Sad. Unable to sit in that house alone and simply be. I created background noise 100% of the time. The television became my roommate. I didn’t know what to do with myself, how to be with myself. The lack I felt was guttural. Deep waves of melancholy would wash over me on any given day. Scarcity in terms of connection was palpable.

35 was a long time ago. I’ve lived half that much life since then and look back on the time as transformative. Because within the lack, within that space of darkness, I instead found stillness. I was forced to get to know myself. To become comfortable with me and learn more about my own thoughts and desires. It wasn’t the path I dreamed of as a little girl, but it was the path I was on. And I survived. I found different ways to have connection, mainly within the stillness of my mind. It was a time of discovery. Of letting go of what was and deciding who I wanted to be. Somewhere in the middle of the alone time, I got comfortable with me. With being alone and making friends with myself.

It’s something I’ve done cyclically since that time. Peeling off outer layers to see what’s underneath. What I wanted to shed, and what I wanted to explore.

Stillness leads to transformation

Periods of stillness provide space for transformation. I’m writing this on Easter and my mind goes to Jesus, in the tomb, and His transformation. The love and hope He promised to the world.  Our stillness can be our time of transformation. It’s our choice. Isolation doesn’t have to be lonely. While we lack connection with others, we can find inner clarity and connection. Use this time to examine our hearts and explore what brings us joy, what we’re grateful for, where we have love and hope. Those elements that cannot be taken from us. We can look within ourselves and ask if there’s an area that feels like a splinter. Festering, needing to be removed, leaving us relieved that it’s gone. Maybe you need to consider what you thought was essential but that you are finding stillness without and see the joy in that new space opened inside you.

Yes, we’re experiencing scarcity, but that mere fact can bring us joy and gratitude because we have room to breathe. Slowly, intentionally. Time to ponder, to consider, to dream. We’ve slowed down, not by choice, but here we are. What we choose to do with the abundance of time, yes, abundance, not lack, is personal. But it’s a choice we’re all making. Make a brave one. I’m on the journey with you.

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Wholehearted living requires letting go of scarcity

It may go down in history as the great toilet paper shortage of 2020. People unexplainably acquiring massive amounts, envision entire shopping carts full, of toilet paper, as we prepared for the unknown virus facing our country. While buying toilet paper is seemingly benign, it’s indicative of the underlying message many believe, which is that there is not enough, a symptom of a culture of scarcity.

In an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow, Brené Brown shared, “Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyper-aware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking.”  Our fear of scarcity thrives in the dark. It thrives on blame, shame, pointing outward instead of getting curious about what’s happening within our hearts and minds. Instead of sitting with the knowing that there is enough.

Letting go of scarcity – the fourth guidepost

My year of wholeheartedly living has brought me to the fourth guidepost which is letting go of scarcity. The timing is nothing if not serendipitous as the world around us has come to a hard stop and collective fear is the name of the game. Beyond the lack in material supply, we’re seeing a lack of employment, of face to face interaction, of connection. And while you can find news outlets talking about the human connection element of this crisis, it’s generally not the leading story on the nightly news.

And we remain in darkness, the breeding ground for the elements Brené defines as scarcity: shame, comparison and disengagement. Our roles at home have quadrupled. As women, if we’re working from home, we may also be homeschooling children, keeping the house clean, preparing not one but now three meals a day, and holding space for all the emotions swirling around our homes.

Never ____________ enough

The competing demands within our homes may lead us to feel depleted. With nothing left to give. The competing demands lead us to fill in our own blank;

Never good enough

Never perfect enough

Never confident enough

Never feminine enough

Never active enough

Never organized enough

Never…enough

The feelings multiply in the darkness. We may feel a chasm of darkness within us because the one who is keeping ‘all the things’ moving within our home has no space for her own feelings. She pushes them down and they swirl as a drop of color into otherwise clear water…soon losing their clarity.

The antidote – Cultivate Gratitude and Joy

Combating scarcity requires curiosity…questioning our experience, what we’re feeling. It requires we step into that uncomfortable space of vulnerability. Honestly, living with vulnerability is a day by day journey. But when we choose to talk about what’s happening within us, we can view our feelings as data. Providing us with information about what we need, desire…our hopes, our strengths. We can shift from scarcity, and instead, remember that, even in our current circumstance, we can cultivate gratitude and joy.

Joy that we’re spending more time with our families. Grateful to have the space to take a breath. We have time, what normally may feel like the scarcest of all resources. To believe we must do it all leaves us depleted. We may not have toilet paper, but we have time. Time to get curious about our feelings. Time to see joy in the moments spent with family. Gratitude for our own health.

We have enough. And for that, I am grateful.

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How we can look for joy today

Do you have a guilty pleasure song? One which opens a window your inner design and at the same time brings your heart joy every time you listen to it? Yeah, me too. It’s Whitney, gone to soon, the diva, the queen. And although she rivals Celiné in my heart, her rendition of One Moment in Time…it’s the biz.

But let me clarify, it’s a song I listen to only when I’m alone. Often while cleaning the house. Blaring through the speaker as I sing like a trained soprano, with hand movements, and maybe a little swing in my hips. It’s my epic performance for an audience of one. I remember a time last year though when I wished that wasn’t the case. Here’s why.

What joy looks like

The joy I feel within myself when singing along with Whitney, getting my groove on…it’s a moment of freedom and a glimpse into my playful side, which honestly doesn’t come out often. I wished in that moment that someone close to me could that side, without my knowing or becoming self-conscious so I would continue, so that they’d know I’m more than the responsible front I put forward each and every day. They’d see the playful side.

I can explain in words that beyond my strong exterior lies the heart of a little girl who enjoys a good twirl. A girl wants to feel carefree and light, but unless that side is seen, it may seem like a hologram. I do believe there are people that regularly experience joy, but I also believe you must cultivate it, be mindful of seeking and bringing joy into your life.

Why joy is important

Our days are a mixed bag of experiences, light and cheery could quickly become hard and painful. No, really. That’s how it goes…at least for me. And hard and painful is enduring, it leaves marks. But when we can tap into joy, we find resilience. Joy reminds us that we feel and feel deeply. It reminds us that the dark won’t last forever. That we’re not numb, not powerless. We can make a choice. And honestly, resiliency is a choice. We must choose to bounce back, and that happens through joyful moments and practice.

How to bring joy into your day

Perhaps Whitney is not where you find joy. Perhaps you are also a savage.

I begrudgingly admit she’s not for everyone, but you know who your Whitney is. Whether it be a song, an activity, a movie, an experience, a person. You have that thing that reminds you of lighter times, casts a golden glow over your life. It’s a feeling of being carefree. Find it, bring it into your day, let your inner child come out and play. Remind yourself that the hard thing, it won’t always be there. It’s a moment, not your lifetime.

Make it a daily practice

Do I listen to Whitney every day? Lately, yes. We’re experiencing an unprecedented period in history. “It’s just the flu” no longer holds true. We’re facing a pandemic disrupting every corner of our life. If we’re not searching for joy, opening to it, we’re likely to find ourselves numb and lost. It’s hard and it sucks, for everyone to one degree or another. That part remains true.

But we can have hope. We can take a walk. Go on a social distancing bike ride. Play with kids, or your dog. Simple pleasures that mean everything, in this moment. Or, you can listen to Whitney. I will share her. You’re welcome.

Be safe, my friends. Bring in joy every single day so that you remain resilient. There are many aspects of our day to day we have no control over right now, but you can choose joy. We’re in this together. We’re brave.

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Why we need to get curious about our emotions

Is there a stronger word than unexpected? Unpredicted, startling, unforeseen… With a decent amount  of certainty I can say that what we’re collectively experiencing is all of that. And a bag of chips. In all seriousness, did anyone foresee within our lifetime that the United States would essentially shut down and tell nearly every person to stay at home?

Without forethought that the end of March would look as it does, I’d chosen to focus on the wholehearted living guidepost of resilience this month. Resilience is cultivated by getting curious about the emotions we experience during an adverse experience. Brené Brown wrote about resilience in Rising Strong. She boils it down to one primary attribute in this Business Insider article. Exploring your emotions.

Getting curious about your emotions

Anybody else want to join me in the collective desire to squirm at the idea of exploring your emotions?? As I walked out this work, it readily became apparent that I may have skipped that class earlier in life. Sure, I could name mad, sad, glad, and throw in disappointment…I have that one down pat. With near certainty I can say that disappointment has hit every one of us in the last month. What I’ve experienced over the last few weeks pales in comparison to those who are losing jobs, facing illness, business closures…devastation more accurately describes the collective emotion around the condition of the country today.

Write it down

On more than one occasion I’d have to raise my hand and admit that emotion has taken the wheel and driven me near the edge of a cliff. Not helpful.

What is helpful is to write down what you’re feeling. Brené Brown calls it the SFD. The shitty (or stormy for the more delicate reader) first draft. The equivalent of the verbal vomit. Think about what you’re experiencing right now, write it all down. The good, bad and ugly. The blame, shame…the everybody sucks and you’re dying version, unedited. Nobody else is going to read it, and probably shouldn’t…you’re not looking to bring others down with you…it’s about understanding what you’re feeling, how the emotions have taken hold.

Look up

Once we understand our emotions, we’re in a stronger position to see how they’ve taken hold of our thoughts. Emotions are feelings, they’re valid. But they’re not what’s actually happening. I one thousand and twenty percent acknowledge I’ve been fuzzy about the distinction between the two…maybe more than once…or ten times.

We get stuck and are not resilient when we jump into the emotional pool and feel powerless to do anything about it. That is not truth. It’s not the fact of the situation. Understanding our emotions allows us to rewrite the narrative. We choose what to do with the emotions, to look up and see the truth of what’s happening. Often, we’ve taken that truth and added on layers of emotion that take on a life of their own. The SFD gets us back to facts. It’s a way of speaking what we’re feeling and bringing it into the open so that the emotions no longer hold power. We do. We will move forward from this moment because we are resilient.

Connect to others

Understanding we’re not powerless, naming our emotion and seeing truth allows us to return to the present rather than feeling alone. Especially amid what we’re collectively experiencing, we need connection. More than ever, it simply looks different. It looks like Facetime, Zoom calls, texting…from our living rooms. Collectively we can choose to band together and build resilience. Yesterday morning, my weekly coffee was converted to a Facetime call, and it felt like we didn’t miss a beat. Yes, the emotions suck. In the blink of an eye we could be circling the drain. But that’s not what I’m seeing.

I see families…including both parents…taking walks, or bike rides together. Outside enjoying a beautiful spring day rather than looking out the window from a car. I’m told of people working in their gardens, shopping for elderly neighbors, sewing masks for health care professionals. Getting creative around staying connected. Building resilience.

Resilience makes us strong

I have a coaster on my desk at work, “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.” Friends, you can do hard things. Facing the invisible enemy of COVID-19 is a hard thing. Those emotions you’re feeling, they’re normal, they’re valid. Write them down. Choose what you’ll do with them instead of handing them the reigns. Would you let a two-year old drive your car??

Choose your narrative. The one in which you have peace with our, yes, our situation. Stay connected and find joy in moments ‘together’ and in the simple pleasures of everyday life. We are strong, we’re brave and we’re resilient.

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Why we need other people, now more than ever

Months ago, we sent out the announcement. “Join us for a weekend of Dare to Lead™ in the cozy living room of my friend” (and partner) in this venture. I prepared for weeks (months, really), refining my material, combing over my PowerPoint and notes, preparing the materials. I’d spent the week reviewing and walking through the weekend of training in my head.

Unexpected Changes

And then, COVID-19 blew up. There’s no other way to describe in, in my opinion. What began as an easily spread, potentially serious depending on your existing health, virus in China now impacts every single one of us to some degree or another.

Yet, I was healthy, my friend – healthy, we were a go. I casually sent her a text early in the week to see if anyone had expressed concern, and the answer was no. When travel bans and “social distancing” became everyday vocabulary, we had a new landscape before us.

I got the call on Thursday morning, for class starting Friday, three hours from where I live. After much angst about it (by me) we decided to switch to a virtual class. Honestly, it’s playing out 100 times better than I’d even hoped for.

But there were a few people who dropped off. 16 hours looking at your computer isn’t for everyone. Disappointed not to participate but understanding.

More Impact from Social Distancing

I’ll be honest, when I say there was angst about the switch, it was more like a whisk stirred around all the thoughts I had in my mind about the weekend and I had to sort it out again, in 24 hours. And during those 24 hours, I also learned that a trip I had planned to Florida to celebrate a major milestone in my Dad’s career, was postponed. Along with my sister-in-law’s baby shower. And a likely celebration of my Grandpa’s upcoming 94th birthday. We Williams don’t mess around when we’re all together.

I felt the disappointment in my gut.

Along with millions of other people worldwide who are experiencing the cancellation, or virtualization, of training, conferences, weddings…school is being cancelled for weeks. Throughout the U.S. life is grinding to a standstill as we grapple with a solution to this virus.

And while I have mixed feelings about the literal standstill we’re experiencing, I am keenly aware of the immense change and disappointment millions are feeling. We’re watching the economy shift as a result of the cancellations. People are watching their retirement accounts plummet, and businesses are feeling the impact. Which trickles down to the workers, many of whom are sent home during closures and while some are paid, not all are so fortunate.

We need other people

We’re also being encouraged to stay away from others to stop the spread of the virus. So, on top of disappointment, many are shifting to isolation – a combination easily leading to depression. We need to be building resiliency.

If all goes according to plan, the virus will die out in 4-6 weeks and we’ll be given the ‘all clear’ to resume life. In military terms, we’ll be given the “As you were.” But as you were may no longer exist. We’ll be faced with recovering from the widespread impact of “social distancing.” Bouncing back may feel like starting from a dead stop.

Which is why we must stay connected to other people. While my class this weekend is virtual, we’re all on video and talking with each other, seeing each other, experiencing emotions together. We need to perpetuate those experiences with other people. Imagine if you were undertaking a complete house remodel. You may take the house down to the foundation as you begin your efforts. But you rebuild from that strong foundation.

Pour into your connections

It’s critical that we maintain and strengthen a strong foundation with people in our lives. Passivity won’t cut it. We need to actively maintain connection. Create moments for joy, shared experiences, a new way of “doing life together.” Nearly everyone is experiencing disruption and disappointment to one degree or another and the absolute worst thing we can do is isolate. We need other people, even if those people are at a distance.

We don’t stand a chance of being resilient and bouncing back if that foundation isn’t maintained. Not a single chance. People need us, we need each other. We’re facing a new normal, at least for the time being, and we owe it to each other, to our shared humanity, to step it up. Make extra efforts to connect with those you love, and those who may be alone. We’re cultivating resilience together. Distancing doesn’t have to mean disconnection. We’re literally on this journey together my friends, let’s be brave.

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Wholehearted living – Guidepost #3 – Resiliency

We’ve arrived at month three of my year of wholehearted living. The third guidepost is letting go a numbing and powerlessness and cultivating a resilient spirit.

Defined, resiliency is “the ability to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Reading this I thought, well, shoot, I’ve been resilient throughout my life! Thinking back, I recall the medical challenges with my foot amputation, moving homes several times as a child, family drama – like anyone else, broken teenage hearts, and I don’t even want to examine adulthood. But was I resilient in those moments or was it something else?

Think about your own life and the challenges you’ve faced. Capture them in your mind for a moment. What was your approach? At a glance, I would say that I was resilient. But this isn’t a glance, it’s a stare down. The honest truth is I numbed myself. Continuing to look forward, pushing aside pain or sadness. I’m certain I felt, or told myself, I was powerless to make any impact, so the easier choice was to numb, to tune out. Yes, I moved forward. Yes. I bounced back. But at the cost of not processing or sitting with the emotions I was having. Which is why, at 52 years old, I’m still working to identify my emotions and what I want my voice to be in the world. Does any of that sound familiar?

Finding your midpoint

Resiliency, bouncing back, does not involve numbing, or powerlessness. Imagine a line in your mind. The midpoint is how you show up in life from day to day. Your normal, everyday, self. When life knocks the crap out of you, in varying degrees, you fall off that midpoint. If you choose to numb, via whatever your tool of choice is, alcohol, television, shopping; or if you tell yourself you’re powerless, you stay down. We can’t live in the low lows or the high highs 100% of the time. Instead, we need hover around the midpoint.

Resiliency gets us there

The healthy way to return to our midpoint is via resiliency. Through practicing joy, collecting it, over time. Cultivating a jar of happy experiences that serve to right our ship when we’re out of sync. When I think back to those early years, that wasn’t my practice. Hence, the numbing. As we grow in life, we learn to choose joy. Think back to the line for a minute. When you fall away from your midpoint due to the inevitable pain that comes with life, the joy we’ve cultivated is like a trampoline. We bounce back faster because we know that even though we’re in pain, we can face it. There will be joy in our lives again. That doesn’t mean we avoid it, but we recognize our emotions and bounce back.

And it takes practice

To truly cultivate joy and build resiliency, we must practice. When difficult times come, and they will, practice identifying your emotions. Recognize them. Validate them. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and practice self-compassion, self-kindness. Remember that joy will return and take a breath. Hard times happen, but we can safely acknowledge and work through them. We can choose not to numb ourselves, to believe we’re powerless. Every single one of you has the power within you to be resilient. To choose the wholehearted way. It’s our journey, friends, and I’m on it with you.

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Lessons learned after a month of self-compassion

Within the so called ‘month of love,’ my wholehearted journey led me down a path I’d heard of, taken classes on, but avoided. Self-compassion, which is a type of self-love. Think of it like a hiking path that you see climbing the side of what appears to be a gentle, sloping hill. Around what feels like halfway up, you glance back to your progress, only to realize you’ve barely left the parking lot. And the hill gets steeper, pebbles and rocks threaten to trip you, sending you tumbling down, bruised in body and pride.

All that and more was the month of focusing on self-compassion. I’ve written about it in prior weeks, but as I near the end of the month, as you would with any project, I’m taking stock the distance traveled on the path. When you tune in and listen to your natural thought patterns about yourself, it can be astonishing. In a million years you would never utter the words to another human which you speak to yourself.

Why is that? Perhaps that no one hears it but us? It’s not an isolated problem. To the degree that you can find coffee cups and pictures with the phrase “talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you love.” With certainly I can assure you Etsy could deliver you the object of your choice with the phrase, if you so desire. The negative chatter in our heads is incessant. I spent time getting curious about it this month and flipping the equation to look at what self-compassion would say. The negative talk? That’s generally perfectionism related and likely tied to comparison.

Ain’t nobody got time for that (or Ain’t nobody got thyme for that – if you’re follow my new kitchen towel – small pleasures friends).

Seriously, comparison is nobody’s friend. Self-compassion is kindness. Compassion and perfectionism tear us down. When we pay attention, we can catch ourselves in the act and switch to self-compassion. I did, all month, mostly consistently, and learned a few things.

Lesson 1

  • Listen to your body – The last few years, ok, more than the last few, but let’s not get distracted, specifically, the last few years, I’ve beat myself up because my body decided to drum up an autoimmune disorder. And sleep apnea – yes, I’m looking sexy in my CPAP each night. I’m now that person. Doctors can tell you only so much. What self-compassion told me is, “of course your tired, that’s part of the condition.” And when I offered self-compassion, my body whispered, “you can trust me.” That’s the element many of us miss. We can trust our own bodies. They know how to heal themselves and when they don’t? They let you know. And they also know when you’re throwing down buckets of negativity, and guess what, they don’t like it, and they get your attention. Self-compassion is being soft with yourself.

Lesson 2

  • Healing takes time – Physically and emotionally. Emotional wounds didn’t get there overnight and they’re not going away that quickly. My podiatrist told me the other day as I lamented about the continual discomfort in my foot… if you’d broken your foot, six weeks later you’d be healed. Soft tissue takes longer. And so do your emotions. Self-compassion is giving yourself space to heal. Knowing that your healing path may not look like someone else’s. Which is probably good because you don’t need to heal from their wounds.

Lesson 3

  • You can trust yourself – Perfectionism constantly looks for the ways you’re failing. A crack in the armor to seep in and crumble you. Self-compassion reminds you that there is no right or wrong way to approach your life. You can trust the path you’re on, and still, they’ll be mistakes. That’s normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes don’t mean you can’t trust yourself. You can. Mistakes mean you’re human.

Lesson 4

  • It’s ok to not have all the answers – Earlier in the month, I would have responded “are you sure?” Having answers for each possible contingency seems logical. Wise even. It allows you to reduce risk. But self-compassion reminds us that it’s ok not to have all the answers. The answers may come in giving yourself time and grace to discover it. It doesn’t make us weak, or less not to have answers. It’s another way we’re human.

Cumulatively, the lessons from self-compassion make me think about Brené Brown’s quote, “Strong back, soft front, wild heart.” She talks about it related to getting close up with people, being civil but speaking truth to BS, and holding hands with strangers. I’d extend these principles to yourself. Your self-compassion allows you to get up close, to speak truth to the lies you’ve told your heart and mind and hold hands with yourself – because we can be a stranger to ourselves.

Consider your own self-compassion journey this month. Perhaps you’ve followed along with mine, and if so, I hope you’ve been reflecting on what you’ve learned. We’ll shift next month, but we’re always on the journey together. Be brave my friends.

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Why should we choose love over fear?

On Valentine’s Day, my co-workers and I walked the halls, handing out Valentine cards and candy to staff (perks of being in HR). At the same time, we held a contest. I carried a thick glass jar filled with Hershey’s Kisses. Whoever guessed the number of kisses (303 to be exact) won them. Maybe halfway through, I balanced the jar on the corner of two cubicle walls to write down a couple guesses. Before I even knew what had happened, the jar tipped and plummeted to the floor, shattering and sending kisses in every direction. The weight was enough to turn the bottom of the jar, which hit first, into sand.

Needless to say, the kisses were in a Ziploc bag the rest of the contest… and while no one guessed the exact amount, a one person was close at 300. Congratulations! You’ve won an insulin swing (yes, this is where my brain goes in midlife).

And then, there was my response. There was a time in the not too distant past, when I would have beat myself up endlessly. My internal dialogue would have included, “stupid, stupid Lisa. You’re clumsy. Can’t be trusted, you always make mistakes.” Sound familiar? It would have continued to surface for days.

While I’m happy that didn’t happen, my immediate response was to rush to clean it up. Small glass shards are weapons, the cuts on my hands attest to that fact. The desire was to make everything right again.

In those moments, my curiosity rises, wondering about the emotions that bubble up. Was self-compassion coming into play? Perfectionism?

What’s the driving motivator?

Truthfully, the answer was a bit of both. As the incident rolled around in my head, the other words that arose were love and fear. Now my curiosity was genuinely peaked. Self-compassion is an expression of love while perfectionism is based on fear. Fear of shame, disappointment, embarrassment… the whole gamut. Both are motivators, one positive, the other not.

What’s interesting is the prevalence of fear as a motivator. In business, in relationships, in religious institutions. Fear is used as the driving force to move people towards a desired goal. At work, people may perform out of a fear of penalty. In relationships? Fear of abandonment or other forms of loss of love. In religious institutions? Believe a certain way to avoid an eternal penalty. We could easily extrapolate endless examples of fear used as a motivator. Think about the examples in your own life.

But when love is in play, such as with self-compassion, it’s another ball game. In relationships, when we approach another with loving intent, including our approach to ourselves, the outcome is expansive. Not limited by fear. At work? People flourish when given space, encouragement and trust. And in religious institutions? I’m not a religious scholar, so in my opinion only, approaching people from the standpoint of the love of Jesus, which was His greatest command, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself,” the outcome is different than fear. The commandment is love. That’s it. Him your neighbor, yourself. Not, go out and terrify people into following me. Love.

Making a choice to love

Making the choice to love over fear, self-compassion over perfectionism, it’s moment by moment. Get curious this week and notice your own thought pattern. Notice when fear is in the driver seat instead of love. When that’s the case, reframe your thoughts from a place of love. It’s practice, friends, reprogramming ourselves. But choosing love is choosing expansiveness versus the limiting nature of fear. Imagine if each of us choose love regularly? It’s our brave journey to a wholehearted life. Let’s make the choice together.