Tag: daring life

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Expectations have caused my own disappointment

Over the past couple months, I’ve found myself shifting from a simmering anger inside me to a feeling a disappointment. Disenchantment. Because what should be a cornerstone of American democracy played out like the book burnings scattered through history. People from all corners throwing fuel on the fire. Destroying the good in the process. The rhetoric before, during and after the election by the political party who, by the way, once fought against slavery, was ugly. Was the other side ugly at times? Sure. But the talk from the right was venomous. Now before you check out…had enough politics…my point is not to talk politics but more the vitriolic nature of speech that has become commonplace and ‘normal.’ What I’ve realized is that my expectations that it would be otherwise have caused my own disappointment.

The loss of civility

Over the last decade, we’ve watched the slow decline of civility in the United States. While it’s perfectly normal to have people you disagree with, it’s something altogether different to experience the degree of hatred that has become commonplace. We’ve lost a sense of civility. I think it’s reasonable to expect people to have civil conversations about different opinions and either one side will persuade the other or they will agree to disagree.

Which should be reasonable…unless the subject of the disagreement is a person’s rights as a human being. Or disdain towards people based on the color of their skin or who they love. As someone who is not a fan of conflict, I used to shy away from defending my perspective on those matters in deference to silence. But no longer. I will fight for those people all day long…in my own way. At the same time, I have an expectation people on the other side of conversation will speak civilly, as do I. But in certain circles, I would find myself disappointed.

Use your words

Yet, I remain hopeful. I expect that people will use their words, as we tell our children, and explain their dissention with my perspective. What we’re seeing played out on the evening news, and, unfortunately, on social media, is quite the opposite. Demeaning, degrading, untruthful speech is the norm. And from where I sit, that’s bullying. It’s using words intended to undermine the credibility and ‘humanness’ of the other person.

I’d also call it fear. Whenever we see a person bullying or demeaning another, an underlying fear is often not far behind. Maybe a fear of not being important. A fear of being irrelevant. A fear of losing power. Fear drives us to extremes we wouldn’t have considered during ‘rational’ times. Fear drives us to anger – as does hurt – and when we’re in that frame of mind, we act out, not with. Other people fade in deference to satisfying our ego’s needs.

Using our disappointment to spur action

I don’t have young children, but if I did, the current culture in our country would terrify me. It terrifies me and my kids are adults. I’m disappointed in us. In the collective us that I expect, that I know, can do better. Are there fractions of people doing better? Of course there are. But they’re not the ones getting attention.

Changing the negative narrative doesn’t happen overnight. We can expect that it’ll change quickly, and we’ll find ourselves disappointed. But we’re not powerless. What we can do is use our voice. Be daring and bold and brave. We can use our voice to spread truth, hope, joy, fairness, justice. It’s so easy to feel defeated when we’re greeted with the news, but we can shift our own narrative and hold those in our lives to the same standards. We have that strength and power. I know there are millions of people who feel the same. I have hope that we’re shifting away from the caustic climate that has hovered over our country towards one that is united. That’s all we can have, hope, and the action that we choose to take. It’s a daring path, but one we must walk. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Why silence may not be an option

Think back to the messages you’ve received about speaking up throughout your life.

  • Children are better seen than heard
  • If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all
  • Good girls are quiet
  • It is better to stay quiet and pretend as if everything is alright

I’m certain you could add more of your own. We’re taught, particularly as women, that we should ‘hold our tongue’ and defer to others, namely to men. I bought into that patriarchal paradigm hook, line, and sinker. But, as years pass, I’ve come to experience why silence may not be an option.

Why I’ve been silent

This Enneagram 9 is no fan of conflict and I’ve learned that when you speak up, people may not agree with you. Go figure. Particularly in relationships, I’ve chosen to be silent in, what I thought was, the interest of maintaining peace and harmony. I trained myself over the years to ‘let it go.’ To keep my mouth closed and not speak up because I feared conflict.

Do you know what that got me? Resentment. And maybe a little passive aggressiveness, if I’m transparent.

In one situation, however, I did begin to speak up with someone close. To question, to wonder out loud but was met with resistance. And since I am averse to conflict, I would ‘feel’ the tension in my body. It would disturb my inner balance and stick with me for days. Or, in other situations, I’ve chimed into a conversation only to be told that I was incorrect. These, and countless other situations I won’t bore you with, led to increased silence and telling myself I was taking the high road.

Silence is not complicity or agreement

But…and there’s always a but…when you choose to be silent, people may assume that you’re on board. That you’re in agreement. And that’s not true. In moments of silence, I often was not in agreement. And while I can’t put my finger on it, there was a tipping point when I knew silence was not the best option. When what I was hearing from people in my circle as truth, was not my truth at all.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Silence may not be an option when you feel your morals and beliefs are under siege. When continuing to hear the rhetoric impacts your physical and mental well-being. Removal from the situation may also be a course of action, but I’ve learned silence isn’t always golden. And in moments that hit close to home, failing to speak appears to be agreement, but it’s not. It’s taken me 53 years to figure out that it’s worth being uncomfortable to speak up for what I believe is right.

Now is a time to use your voice

I’m not espousing using your voice for the sake of it. Not in the slightest. There are absolutely times when silence is wisdom. However, I believe now is not one of those times, at least not for me. Years of remaining silent when I had volumes to say have taught me that. But I cannot stay silent while I see people suffering. While injustice is propagated as patriotism and ‘Christian.’

I cannot stay silent when I see a message of love, Jesus’ love, being perverted into a message of hate. I won’t. Nor will silence be an option when people are being treated negatively based on the color of their skin, or who they love, or how they worship. Because if we stand by in silence while our friends are harmed, are we acting in love? We’re not. Love can look messy, it can be disruptive, it reaches the marginalized, it’s not always popular, and it might be persecuted. But it’s worth it. Jesus showed us that. It’s worth it every time.

When you listen to your intuition, what is your voice trying to say? What truth have you kept deep inside you for fear of creating controversy or conflict? Maybe it’s time for you too. Your voice matters don’t let anyone try and tell you otherwise. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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What happens when you open your eyes

Unraveled, that’s what I thought as I glanced down at the hem of my shirt. For an unknown reason, my new shirt’s hem had decided to let go, unraveling and leaving string hanging for me to see as evidence. And I thought about how that fray may have been present when I bought the shirt, but I hadn’t noticed. What happened when I opened my eyes was that not only was it frayed, any attempt to break the string without scissors resulted in rapid unraveling. Leaving a raw hem for me to contemplate…determining if I liked the shirt enough to fix it. Because that’s how I roll.

Unraveling in life

The journey from A to Z is rarely, if ever, straight and with certainty I’m sure I’ve taken the most complex path. But over the last four or so years, the pace at which life clicks into place has been rapid, like the unraveling of a hem. In the moment, it doesn’t seem that fast because of the labor pains it takes to get there, but there’s no other way to describe it. When I opened my eyes to what was happening around me, I couldn’t help but see.

Once you see though, you can’t unsee. And it unravels faster than you imagined. The realization that I’d made choice, gone down a path personally that I believed I needed to walk (and honestly, I may have needed those steps) led me to a stalemate was unexpected. And at the same time, the awareness I’d gained about my experience was the result of having my eyes opened. Resulting from clarity around the fuzziness I’d had for years. But as we’re becoming clear, there’s no guarantee those on the journey with us are doing the same. Or better yet, no guarantee that their clarity is the same as yours.

Making daring choices

It seems to me that when your eyes are opened – to whatever the circumstance is in your life that you’d turned a blind eye to – you can’t unwind it. In those moments, you might find that what you believed to be true was only in your mind. And that’s heartbreaking. But if you remain engaged in what you’re noticing, you might find heartbreak is a catalyst.

When you open your eyes, you might not find what you thought would be there. In those moments, you make decisions. Choose to be daring or choose to retreat. I chose daring. And while we’d like to think that we’ll emerge from daring choices with newfound energy and zeal, that’s not always true. You might emerge with your heart in tatters, or your system of beliefs on shaky ground.

Daring to be in the wilderness

And you know what? That’s ok. It is. When you make daring decisions in your life and the result is time in the wilderness, that’s ok. You know who else spent time in the wilderness? Jesus. It could be that the wilderness is where you needed to go to find yourself. To find your own power. To ask yourself what is true…for you. I know that when I’m in the wilderness, I’m never alone. Because I’m there with myself, and I know Jesus is alongside me.

Those daring choices bring you back from the wilderness too. The wrestling you did while you were out there, that only strengthens you. It sparks your inner fire to continue exploring what is true for you. Your eyes are opened in the wilderness.   You find your true self, free from expectations others layer on you. You find freedom.

And you find that you can breathe. Fully in and fully out, without wondering when the other shoe will drop. It already has. I know it had for me. And now, my eyes are opened, and the unravelling, what I thought would end, it hasn’t. There’s so much more I see which I accepted as true and now I find myself wondering why. So it goes when you’re being daring. You lose parts of yourself but find the ones you were always supposed to have.

Where are you finding your eyes opening? Is it leading you to the wilderness? Hey, that’s ok, necessary maybe. But this is a journey we’re taking together. I’m brave, you’re brave – stronger together. Lisa

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Living a daring life

Four days a week you can find me happily cruising back and forth in a pool lane at my gym. It’s a little trickier now because you must reserve lanes given the social distancing restrictions. 100% worth it because water is my happy place. But the other day. Boy oh boy…it was a hotbed of drama. I’d spent time before I headed over journaling and pondering my word for 2021. It landed in my lap really. I’ll be focused on living a daring life.

Everyday opportunities to be daring

With that fresh in my mind, I was presented with the opportunity to be daring that morning. To be clear, as I unfold what it means to me to be daring, the dimensions will expand. I’m rooted in Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, but not that day. My swim pals and I had reserved our lanes days before and were 30 minutes into our swim. When I paused at the wall, a guy informed me that I was in his lane and I needed to get out. I explained I’d signed up for it and he said he’d already checked with the front and I was wrong. Confused, I looked at my friends and we adjusted, shifting so we could share two lanes. He was in the pool maybe 15 minutes and then got out.

When we finished our hour-long swim, we fumed over the situation and I reiterated that I’d reserved the lane. They agreed, after all, we’d done it together. In those moments, I realized that I hadn’t been daring at all! I didn’t stick up for myself, presuming I was in the wrong and, classic Enneagram 9, didn’t want a fuss, and acquiesced. As I left the gym, I asked the attendant up front, and the guy did not have the lane and hadn’t even checked. He lied to me. Honestly, it was gaslighting, making me question my own memory. And still, I was not daring.

Wake up to your life

As plain as day this situation showed me that I had missed an opportunity to be daring. But isn’t that always the way? We have clarity in hindsight. Being daring would have been saying he was wrong, and swimming away. Oh wait, excuse me for a minute while I untie the knot in my stomach. Not even kidding. Does anyone else have that response to personal confrontation? Anyone?

My limbic system, my body, genuinely feels the emotion resulting from the thought of being confrontational. And for those of you who identify, how are we to live daring lives when we can’t hold our ground? Being daring requires that we’re awake to our lives. That we listen to our bodies and hearts and are vulnerable in pursuing our desires. It could look like telling someone close to you that their behavior makes you uncomfortable. Or telling someone that you love them first. Saying no to a family member’s request, without giving a reason. One way that we’re living a daring life is speaking up for ourselves, and that takes vulnerability.

It always comes back to vulnerability

And here we are back with our friend vulnerability (said no one ever). Vulnerability, according to Brené Brown, is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. All of which the situation with Mr. Pool Liar presented to me. Even with someone I didn’t know, I wasn’t vulnerable. But you know what? That blatant reminder slapped me across the face. Really. It reminded me to be daring. Reminded me that it’s ok if someone else is upset with me – which is a mountain sized risk to an Enneagram 9. But it’s ok.

To be clear, scheme of things, the pool scenario was no big deal. But at the same time, it was. It reminded me I can stand up for myself. Even though I didn’t do it in the moment. And I’d ask you, where are you missing opportunities to be vulnerable? To be daring with your life? What would be different if you chose to be daring, more often, to the point where you are living a daring life? It’s becoming my journey and I hope you’ll come along with me. Be Brave friends, it’s our one and only life. Lisa

 

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Why empathy is essential to daring

Being a Brené Brown groupie, I read, listen and peruse all the things she releases to the world. On her new Spotify podcast, Dare to Lead, the conversations with business leaders are rich and full of nuggets. This week’s conversation with Guy Raz was no exception. Guy hosts the popular show, How I Built This, on NPR,  amongst other accomplishments. Much of the conversation centered around the qualities of an accomplished leader, a central tenant of which was empathy. Given that Brené herself preaches at length about the power of empathy, my ears perked up to hear what was coming. In a nutshell, empathy is essential to daring leadership.

The idea kept rolling around in my head

As is typically the case, once an idea grabs me, I roll it around like playdough in my head and, just like playdough, as it travels, it picks up bits and pieces of interactions I’ve had throughout the week. One of which was with one of my best friends. We have an ongoing, what I’d call argument and she would probably say a mild conversation, around diversity.

In truth, at the core of it, we agree, but our approach varies. She desires to treat each person as an individual, without race or sex, for example, being the central issue. If people would engage from that standpoint, they’d learn about the person, their experiences, or hardships. In premise, I don’t disagree, in fact as I write this, I wonder why we have arguments. But after a conversation the other day, I sent a text, because I think better in writing.

I think what I was getting to in my long narrative is that we each have unique experiences and I want to make sure that I recognize the unique experience someone else may have because of their color, or because what they believe, or their sexual orientation…I want to understand their experience and understand that mine may be different and not make assumptions that they would have gone down the same path as me because they are different. Not that they couldn’t have gone down that path, but to not assume they’ve experienced life as I have.

(Miraculously, Siri translated that text accurately. Soooo, the run on sentences are on her.)

When I listened to Brené and Guy, my brain clicked, I want to engage with empathy.

Empathy as a way of life

Honestly, my friend has oodles of empathy, I experience it with her all the time. What I’ve learned about myself though is that I’m an Empath. I can’t turn it off. I feel emotions in my body, like physical blows. Those of myself and others. It’s one of the reasons conflict is difficult for me. But this year, I’ve felt a heightened sense of connection to others, even amid a global pandemic. Connected to their emotions, which I also feel. So, when it comes to social justice issue, its empathy compelling me to stand in the gap, to stand alongside people, because I desire to understand their experience and sit in the feelings with them. And they may be hard feelings, but important.

And as the playdough of my mind continued to roll around, I extrapolated the comments about empathy in leadership to empathy as a way of living with other humans. What if we were curious about each other’s experience and strove to come alongside instead of peer over the edge at someone’s suffering? Brené’s The Power of Empathy short demonstrates empathy vs. sympathy. I’d encourage you to check it out. I wonder, what if empathy is essential to a daring life?

Lead with empathy

No better way exists to determine if empathy is essential to a daring life than to live it. And I intend to. But… like you, I’m a human person and experience other feelings that occasionally cloud my view, making empathy take a back seat. If it does, we can come back to it. You see how I did that?? I’m suggesting that we endeavor to exercise empathy throughout our daring lives. I’m convinced it’ll lead to richer, deeper and more engaged relationships, which we all crave. I know we can do it my friends. We’re brave. Sending love. Lisa