development Archives - Be Brave Coaching

December 15, 2019

Game Changer The instructions for the exercise read – describe yourself in five words. Without hesitation, I wrote ‘responsible’ as the first, followed by other descriptors that essentially supported that characteristic. I’m hard wired for responsibility from an early age and orchestrate my life around it.

I suspect that’s influenced my overall approach to life which is to issue spot and resolve problems in order to eliminate risk. Responsibility resolves risk, rather than allowing it to fester. Because, let’s be real, if risk is unpredictable it could easily cause you to slide off the rails into a myriad of problems. Nobody has time for problems, particularly not the responsible person.

But.

Should responsibility come before all other emotions or experiences? It’s certainly my go to. When presented with a situation at work or home, my first response is to look for the problem to solve. I’ve noticed a few pitfalls to that approach in recent years.

Looking for the problem presumes there is one. Oftentimes another person is simply talking through the situation rather than asking for a solution.
Problem spotting may look like criticism. Despite an intent to help, to solve, when you look for a problem, you (ok, I) can appear critical.
Continually looking for what needs to be done in an effort to be responsible can result in missing the opportunity to be present.

Of course, the list could continue, but there’s a big number 4 that came up for me yesterday. I was watching Where’d you go Bernadette? on Amazon and was introduced to the concept of discounting in the brain. Derived from a neuroscience study, it’s a scientific way of saying that the more effort you put into something, the less valuable the reward associated with the effort.

After having the concept introduced, I did additional research and, apparently, there are a lot of ways to go with brain discounting. Related to my outlook, it would appear the result of the effort I exert is more than the reward I receive from being seen as “responsible.” Hmmm. Basically, the result is less and less satisfying.

The other idea presented in the movie was that as our minds focuses on the “effort,” it can become consuming to the point where we can lose sight of why we’re doing it in the first place. Bernadette lost sight of her core self, the part that found joy in the journey. I can relate.

Responsibility in and of itself is awesome. But when your focus narrows to solving the problem, eliminating risk and ensuring you’re seen as responsible, you can lose sight of the joyful parts of life. Responsibility starts to feel heavy, more a burden than the result of a life lived well.

And it’s currently a 100-pound weight. Don’t be mistaken, it’s not something to forsake, but, for me, I’m questioning its hierarchical place. Maybe I can let it be the after effect rather than the focus? Because, as I slog my way through mid-life, I’d prefer more joy, delight, play, and freedom than carrying around the constant feeling that I have to be responsible for everyone and everything. It’s something I brought on myself, via what life dished out, but I’m ready to be the fun one. I lost sight of that side on the path to responsibility.

As we enter the time of year where new intentions are created, I’m adding joy to my list. Inviting more joy and lightness into my life. What have you lost sight of along the path to your point in life? What’s been discounted because you were focused on the effort to get there? Take a moment to reflect create an intention around it. You’re not alone. It’s a shared journey, and I’m right there with you. We’re brave, bold and authentically walking through life together.

June 30, 2019

Making hard choices

Arizona Sandals I have a love/hate relationship with shoes. On the one hand, love…so much. My go to these days are fashion sneakers and sandals, flats of any nature are my jam. But the Arizona Birkenstock sandal and I, there’s something special there. That shoe, I swear, it courted me. Wooed me. Five years ago I would have said it was the shoe of the hippie, today, not only are they fashionable, but there is more than an outside chance the hippie in the room is me, thank you very much.

Shoes have never been a slam dunk for me. There is a qualifying process I go through because of my prosthetic foot. Heels are out. Granted, I have an alternative foot that looks like a Barbie foot, but I rarely wear it, comfort prevails these days. And because I have no ankle flexion, nor grip in my toes, shoes practically have to be attached to my foot to stay on. Last year though, I entered new territory when I got a foot with a split toe. Yes, just as you imagine, the big toe is separated from the rest. So what you might ask?

Flip flops. No joke. I can now wear flip flops because I have the split toe. A whole new category of shoes available to me which I took full advantage of. I purchased my first Birkenstock’s last year, the split toe sandals, loved them so much I bought two colors! So, this year, when the Arizona started speaking to me, I thought our time had come. I had surprising success with the others, maybe they would work.

They did not.

Within twenty minutes I walked out of them, the toe grip was critical, I learned. And if I’m honest, I saw it coming. I’ve never had luck with the pure “slide” sandals.

But I really wanted them. I bargained with myself that maybe they’d work. I could tighten the straps, walk carefully, take my time. When I finally resigned myself to return them, I was sad, I had to acknowledge that, in fact, the same conditions that had always been there with my foot remained.

As I thought about my short affair with the Arizona sandal, a broader picture opened before me.

I thought about relationships, at work, personally, where I have invested, committed, desiring them to work out while knowing deep in my heart they would not. Yet, I persisted. It happens with a wide variety of choices in our lives. We go down a path believing it’s where we’re supposed to be only to discover something else. But we’re committed.

And we want it to work, to affirm for ourselves that we’ve made the right choice, chosen the right path. We bargain, we change ourselves to fit, we ignore the pain points telling us it’s time to step away and somewhere in that process, we begin to lose ourselves. Become someone different to make the situation work.

It’s incredibly hard to instead realize we’re on the wrong path, in a relationship, or job, or pursuit that isn’t working, and isn’t going to work. It’s not as easy as returning a pair of shoes (which wasn’t easy – I loved those shoes!). It’s an act of courage to be clear about the situation, who you are and what isn’t working. To come to terms with the fact that what may have been right before isn’t anymore.

And, to be clear, the majority of situations, relationships, aren’t going to magically resolve themselves. When it’s time to make a change, you can try bargaining your way out of it, and short term it might work, but not in the long run. When the shoe isn’t fitting right, you need to take action.

If you’re thinking about your own “pair of shoes” that doesn’t fit, what are you going to do about it? What courageous step do you need to take? It can be hard, honestly, it can suck, but if you want to live an authentic, bold life, you can take the step. Have a conversation, realize a path you’re on isn’t working. Find someone you trust and talk it through. At the end of the day, only you know what fits and what doesn’t. And that makes you the person who can make the shift that can change the direction of your life.

May 19, 2019

Choosing your focus

Positive Energy At work, we describe busy times as “seasons,” except they’re less seasons and more all the time. And while you adapt to the pace, every now and then there’s a tipping point. Yeah, that happened this week. I found myself standing in front of my friend/boss with tears in my eyes, overwhelmed. Only for a minute, but I tipped.

We were minutes away from beginning a training which I was leading and while I knew I’d make it through, the business caught up to me. Once we started the session, the material we walked our team through reminded me of the lesson I needed in that moment. Isn’t that how life is when you’re paying attention?

Bear with me on the HR speak for a minute as I explain the tool we were using. We use a 360 tool through the Leadership Circle to look at leaders through multiple lenses. Their leader, their team and peers. The results show the degree to which you operate in 4 spheres: Creative/Reactive and Relationships/Results. You receive a score of where others see you are in each area as well as where you rate yourself, showing any disconnects.

The idea is that when you’re operating in the Reactive space, you’re not as focused on the Creative side, which is where innovation, strategy and growth happen. The same is true with Results, if that’s where your primary focus is, you have less energy to invest and grow relationships, to work through and with people.

As we walked through these concepts, literally – we have a 12’x12’ version of the circle laid out on the floor – concepts from the coaching program I went through also came to mind. The Creative and Reactive sides equate to positive and negative pulls. When you operate in the negative space, that’s the energy you draw to you and the lens through which you see your circumstance. The negative/reactive side is a stronger force than the positive/creative. Once you can see it, you can make a choice.

That’s right, a choice. In my moment/meltdown, the focus was on the enormity rather than the opportunity.

When we choose to approach a situation from the positive/creative space, we see options, ways to look at the circumstance differently. Its no different when you’re working with people. If you approach a situation ‘armoring up,’ prepared for the worst, that’s what we’re going to look for, and likely, what you’re going to get. I’ve seen this play out in conversations over and over. The approach has a significant impact on the result.

The degree to which we can stay in the creative/positive space will influence the interactions in our lives. We can look for the positive, bringing it out in ourselves and in others. It’s a choice and sometimes armoring up seems safer, but it won’t produce the relationships we desire. The ask for you today is simply to notice. Pay attention to your interactions and be mindful of the way you interact. You’re likely to find that the energy you put forth is what will be returned to you.