Tag: Gifts of Imperfection

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Why it’s hard to let go of calm, cool and in control

Have you ever been ‘spaz’ shamed? Let me break it down for you. You…normally calm, cool and in control happens to let loose and get downright silly. An occurrence that happens rarely, and I mean rarely. And as you’re just about to get to your finest groove, your spouse (or child, or parent, or friend) says, “Geez, calm down already.” Talk about shutting.it.down. It might as well be a pin to a balloon. And then they wonder why you are most always calm, cool and in control.

I am that person. The calm one. In control all the time. Because if you’re not in control, absolute mayhem could break out at any moment. Literally, it could happen. So, when someone wired like me lets loose and dances in the kitchen, or breaks out laughing hysterically and is told to calm down? It stings like a jellyfish. And if you’ve never been stung by a jellyfish, yay you. It is MOST unpleasant. Needless to say, once stung, it’ll be a good long time before I muster up the nerve to let loose again.

Laughter is the best medicine

As the serious one in the room, days can pass without any laughter escaping my lips. And while I’d like to change that, it’s the straight up truth. It’s an actual medical fact that laughter is good medicine. The Mayo Clinic and 66,200,000 Google results will tell you so. Laughing stimulates your organs, your lungs, it activates positive hormones in your body and reduces stress.

I know this, and in fact believe myself to be a doctor some days. Yet, I persist in my serious outer demeanor. Calm, cool and in control. But lying below the surface is a silly girl who genuinely wants to play.

Danger Will Robinson

I do, I want to play. But once you’ve been serious for so long, it’s not a matter of flipping a switch. I lived through a period in my life that was incredibly hard. So much so that I became hypervigilant to the possibility that a negative downturn could happen at any moment. In this situation, my fight or flight hormones were continuously activated. Which served as a protective mechanism at the time. But now? I don’t need to be on alert anymore, but my brain hasn’t gotten the message yet. This is the case with a person who undergoes long term stress, or trauma.

The good news, according to neuroscience and this article, is that our brains are ‘plastic,’ meaning that they’re adaptable. They can be altered to respond differently. 2020 hasn’t exactly helped any of us who are vigilant. Carefully guarding ourselves in our homes, our limbic systems are in overdrive because of a potentially deadly virus. But we can make choices to change our thinking. I can make choices to rewire my thinking.

Wholehearted Living Guidepost #10

Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance

Letting go of cool and always in control

Letting go of always in control

And while I’m serious with good reason, I know that I can let go of the reigns – if only a tad. This year of Wholehearted Living calls for it. My experiences reinforced a proclivity to being serious and any of us who are wired similarly can make a choice to rewire our main circuit board. Letting go of cool, calm and in control? It’s one thousand percent worth it. Being the grown up all the time is exhausting. So, when your normally serious friend, aka, me, starts laughing over nothing in particular? Don’t shame her. Or when you walk into the kitchen and find your reserved mother dancing? Don’t shame her. Ever.

Don’t shame her for being serious, and certainly don’t shame her for letting loose. Because only you have lived in your body. Lived your life. Been at the other end of whatever it is that you’ve experienced. Only you. And sister…if you want to cut a rug in the middle of the CVS…I say, ‘go for it.’ If I see you, I’ll stand 6 feet away with my mask on and join in. It feels brave to let ourselves go because it is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m with you my loves. Be Brave. Lisa

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How do you define meaningful work?

Spoiler alert…if you’re looking for me to define what meaningful work is for you this is the wrong post to spend your Sunday morning reading. Because it not my, nor anyone else’s, job to define meaningful work for you. That is your job and yours alone. Now that we have that out of the way…

Defining meaningful work

Wholehearted guidepost 9 – Let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt and embrace meaningful work. That’s my anchor for the month and honestly, one that cuts a little too close to the quick. Each guidepost has done that, in its own way. Life has taught me a few things about meaningful work that I shall now impart to you.

  1. No one else can define meaningful work for you
  2. There is no dictionary definition for meaningful work
  3. What meaningful work is will likely change and morph for you over time

The beauty of meaningful work is that it is defined by you and you alone and you get to change your mind whenever you want.

That time I changed my mind

I’ve mentioned once or 1,015 times, that I have been in the same profession since shortly after college. Not what I studied in college, mind you, but when the reality of having a liberal arts degree but no discernable skills arrived, I landed in human resources. Where else could I chat with people all day and that was my job? Seriously, it seemed like a sweet deal back in those days. I planned parties, raised money for charities, worked in ridiculously amazing places and generally had fun.

Until I didn’t. Because, like any career, the farther you progress, the more complex it tends to be. Human Resources no exception. But by that point, you’ve got skills. So, you keep going. You know the drill. And honestly, in my field, there’s an immense amount to learn and it’s always changing. There’s a challenge to it. Around four years ago though, I started hearing a small voice in my mind, hinting that there might be something else.

I remember telling my former husband  hat I wanted to pursue that something else. About which he questioned me, saying that ‘[I’d] been so excited when [I] got my job.’ Yeah. That was true. But I changed my mind.

Wanting meaning in my work

While the work I was engaged in was certainly important, no longer did it hold my passion. I felt a stirring to make an impact in the lives of others in a different way. I still feel that call today. The voice is louder, and the reality is getting closer. Because it’s possible that you can be doing work that matters, but which is no longer meaningful to you. Perhaps it was less that I changed my mind and more that my ‘very best work,’ was calling me to something else.

As I write, the nation is mourning the loss of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I was drawn to one of her quotes, “I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.” And I thought about her body of work. The battles she fought for the rights of others. For women, for minorities, for the LGBTQ community, people with disabilities, for me. I am represented in the people she represented and do not want to squander the rights and privileges afforded me. I must exercise my talents because people like RBG have fought for me.

In meaningful work, you must ignore ‘supposed to’

If we are to truly find our meaningful work, we’re compelled to create it for ourselves. We can’t look to others. Sure thing they’ll tell you what you’re ‘supposed to’ do. They’ll line up for that. But it’s you, lying your head on the pillow each night, knowing that you’ve created work that means something to you. That you’ve used your talent to the best of your ability, by your own definitions. Not because you were ‘supposed to,’ but because you were called to.

The answer to my initial question, ‘How do you define meaningful work?” is in your hands. Molded like a soft piece of clay until it speaks for you. Perhaps later you’ll throw it back down and start all over again…bravo! You’re allowed. As we morph and grow, so do our own definitions of what brings us meaning. Let that happen for you. You are the author of your own life. Be Brave with it. Lisa

And as a bonus, if you want to start your own Wholehearted Living journey, you can take Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Inventory. Learn more about it in the 10th anniversary edition of The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s the book that said, “I see you,” in this journey of midlife.

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Letting go of self-doubt, why isn’t it easier?

Launching into a year of Wholehearted Living, I hadn’t given full thought to the introspection which would result. Based on the Guideposts for Wholehearted Living which I ran across a few years ago in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, they’ve given me a different lens on this dumpster fire of a year called 2020. Because, accountability. Each month a new guidepost, no time to get stale or complacent about it because 28-31 days is not much time to examine an entirely new aspect of myself.

Self-Doubt v. Confidence

September’s target is Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting go of Self-Doubt and Supposed to. Last week I broadly considered the elements of this Guidepost, but I’ve stumbled over the past few days. Stuck on self-doubt. Do I have confidence? Yes, in what I know, is proven, is backed up, has a contingency plan, and which I’ve done 10,198 times. But in this crap shoot called middle age and the momentum to pivot that has arrived with it? Nope.

Because when I look at where the pivot points me, it’s new. Have I done 80% of it? Yes. But that 20%, I’m learning. And what’s in front of me, it’s about meaningful work – thus timely. However, I’ve spent 50+ years anchored in proven and sticking with a course that other people thought suited me. Has it been terrible? Absolutely not. I hope that none of us have arrived at this point with a cloud of regret over how you’ve spent your life thus far. Does it continue to suit me though? It does not.

Trying something new…aka stepping into the unknown

Deciding to pivot most definitely brings self-doubt, it’s a step into 20% unknown. Why don’t we play Russian Roulette instead, same odds as I see it. Ok, maybe that’s a tad bit of an exaggeration. I see the self-doubt like a neon sign, ‘warning, warning…uncertainty ahead.’ And rather than ignore that sign, I’ve found myself skirting around the edges. Reminds me of winter swimming. I’m there, bright and early, but sit poolside, outside, with my foot in the water. Contemplating, procrastinating before I take the plunge. When I finally get it, it’s literally fantastic. No one believes me mid-February, but it truly is.

Why is self-doubt so prevalent when it comes to the pursuit of meaningful work? Taking the plunge so difficult? What flashes into my mind? Self-worth. A tremendous amount of our identity and self-worth is derived from the work we do. Or is that only me? Maybe, but it’s where we spend a good chunk of our waking hours. The step into the semi-unknown puts that at risk.  And at the same time…Brené’s voice pops into my head, “I’m not screwing around, these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – [have] to go.” And there it is. The truth behind my self-doubt.

Pushing past vulnerability

Letting go of self-doubt? It’s vulnerability. And vulnerability is hard. Every time. Because it’s uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Cultivating meaningful work rather than remaining mired in self-doubt? Vulnerability. That’s why it’s so hard. It’s easier to remain with the work that is meaningful but isn’t fulfilling the dream anymore. At one time it was. But we’re allowed to change. Me, you, we are not required to remain the same today as yesterday.

Self-doubt is my armor. It holds me back from the next step in pursuit of meaningful work. But it doesn’t have to. 100% certainty will never quite arrive, so it’s perfectly normal to have twinge of concern and self-doubt when stepping into the unknown. If I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to stop waiting for the self-doubt to disappear. Do it anyways. Because if I arrive at the end of all this with an unlived dream, I.will.be.pissed. I believe in this dream too much to ignore it. And I’m confident you feel similarly about a dream of your own. It’s our time, my loves. We’re on the journey together. Be Brave. Lisa