Tag: life coaching

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Lessons in Mindfulness

IMG_2165Everybody’s dream come true is a trip to the Social Security Office. Am I right? Seriously, what could be more fun that whiling away a morning waiting with your fellow citizens to tend to whatever it is that brought you there. This was my exact thought process, with a few detours, as I made my way to our local branch to tend to some business the other day.

I made my way in, got my number, and quickly saw there were at least a dozen people before me, well, if my determination of how the numbers were called was accurate. Settling in for the long haul, I read a magazine – I’ll admit, it was the AARP magazine, honestly there are good articles! – and the time ticked by. After what seemed like a short time, more like over an hour, my number was called. Proceeding to the window, I knew the adventure was nearing an end. But it wasn’t. I didn’t have the correct version of the document needed to do my business. Sigh.

Julia, my helpful clerk, told me what to do and off I went. A trip to another government office. Another hour plus wait, document secured. Back to Social Security, where Julia allowed me to skip the line. Fifteen minutes later, done.

The whole adventure took close to 4 hours with waiting and driving.

Normally, I would be highly agitated at what I’d consider to be a waste of time. But I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

Surprised, I thought about why this time was different. One glaring fact presented itself. I was off work, still in the recovery period from foot surgery. If I wasn’t there, I would have been sitting in a chair at home, reading a magazine. Same plan, different environment.

I was in the moment without a pressing expectation that I should be somewhere else. ‘Enjoying’ it for what it was. Knowing the staff was moving us through as quickly as they could. And isn’t that what mindfulness is? Staying in the moment, experiencing what is, rather than projected expectations of where you want to be, or what you want to be doing? Anything other than what you’re doing in that moment?

Staying present made the experience just that, an experience. Nothing more, nothing less.

Why, then, is mindfulness so difficult to live out day by day? I get antsy. I think I can multi-task, although I’m learning that’s a scam. When I multi-task, I’m not paying 100% attention to either activity, and both show the result. I’ve read about, been taught about mindfulness over the last couple of years and not until my Social Security experience did it hit home so squarely.

Seeing how mindfulness changed my mindset was a game changer. Yes, I know mindfulness has been all the rage. Believe me, I’ve been on board conceptually. But really experiencing it? That made all the difference. My body and mind were in sync.

Raise your hand with me if you also need to experience before you jump on board. Anyone? Everyone? Yep, while I know there are the unicorns who can hear, understand and adopt, I’m not one of those people. The unexpected lesson in mindfulness may have been there prior to last week, but I didn’t see it. Wasn’t paying attention, which I suppose is part of the lesson.

While we move through the end of the year, with enormous amounts of competing priorities, what if we simply paid attention? The lessons are there. The mindfulness that leads to deeper engagement in our lives. It’s there. You likely don’t have the hinderence of your foot in a boot, which, by its nature slows you down, but you can make a choice. Slow down. BE in your experience, feel it, and fully enjoy it and, more importantly, those around you. You can do it friends, I’m right there with you, it’s our mindful journey.

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Game ChangerThe instructions for the exercise read – describe yourself in five words. Without hesitation, I wrote ‘responsible’ as the first, followed by other descriptors that essentially supported that characteristic. I’m hard wired for responsibility from an early age and orchestrate my life around it.

I suspect that’s influenced my overall approach to life which is to issue spot and resolve problems in order to eliminate risk. Responsibility resolves risk, rather than allowing it to fester. Because, let’s be real, if risk is unpredictable it could easily cause you to slide off the rails into a myriad of problems. Nobody has time for problems, particularly not the responsible person.

But.

Should responsibility come before all other emotions or experiences? It’s certainly my go to. When presented with a situation at work or home, my first response is to look for the problem to solve. I’ve noticed a few pitfalls to that approach in recent years.

  1. Looking for the problem presumes there is one. Oftentimes another person is simply talking through the situation rather than asking for a solution.
  2. Problem spotting may look like criticism. Despite an intent to help, to solve, when you look for a problem, you (ok, I) can appear critical.
  3. Continually looking for what needs to be done in an effort to be responsible can result in missing the opportunity to be present.

Of course, the list could continue, but there’s a big number 4 that came up for me yesterday. I was watching Where’d you go Bernadette? on Amazon and was introduced to the concept of discounting in the brain. Derived from a neuroscience study, it’s a scientific way of saying that the more effort you put into something, the less valuable the reward associated with the effort.

After having the concept introduced, I did additional research and, apparently, there are a lot of ways to go with brain discounting. Related to my outlook, it would appear the result of the effort I exert is more than the reward I receive from being seen as “responsible.”  Hmmm. Basically, the result is less and less satisfying.

The other idea presented in the movie was that as our minds focuses on the “effort,” it can become consuming to the point where we can lose sight of why we’re doing it in the first place. Bernadette lost sight of her core self, the part that found joy in the journey. I can relate.

Responsibility in and of itself is awesome. But when your focus narrows to solving the problem, eliminating risk and ensuring you’re seen as responsible, you can lose sight of the joyful parts of life. Responsibility starts to feel heavy, more a burden than the result of a life lived well.

And it’s currently a 100-pound weight. Don’t be mistaken, it’s not something to forsake, but, for me, I’m questioning its hierarchical place. Maybe I can let it be the after effect rather than the focus? Because, as I slog my way through mid-life, I’d prefer more joy, delight, play, and freedom than carrying around the constant feeling that I have to be responsible for everyone and everything. It’s something I brought on myself, via what life dished out, but I’m ready to be the fun one. I lost sight of that side on the path to responsibility.

As we enter the time of year where new intentions are created, I’m adding joy to my list. Inviting more joy and lightness into my life. What have you lost sight of along the path to your point in life? What’s been discounted because you were focused on the effort to get there? Take a moment to reflect create an intention around it. You’re not alone. It’s a shared journey, and I’m right there with you. We’re brave, bold and authentically walking through life together.

 

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Looking at change differently

Flame to ChangeI LOVE CHANGE! Said no one, ever. Admittedly, my friend said it to me the other day, but she’s an anomaly. A lovely anomaly. Truth is, change can be difficult. In order to get to the new state, whatever it may be, you must end another. Oftentimes we approach change as though it’s a train. Everybody on board, into your new seats and away we pull from the station. Leaving behind the old way. No time for long, emotional goodbyes on the platform. It’s on to the new we go, looking back is for suckers.

Except.

Inherently change results in the ‘death’ of what was, and that comes with emotions that, if ignored, may have a damaging effect.

Change is often associated with business. The notion that ‘without change, we will perish.’ While there is truth to that, we encounter change in a wide array of places in our life, but don’t tie those to the word, hence we treat them differently. But they’re still change.

Your first, and then last child leaves for college.

You face a change in job.

After living in one place for many years, you move somewhere that’s altogether different.

You enter the middle of your life.

A relationship shifts…and then ends.

On the surface, we may not look at those instances as change, but they are. And with all certainty I can say they produce emotions that are far reaching. Until recently, one emotion hid in a corner. There, but I couldn’t quite identify it until someone else named it for me.

Grief.

Change results in grief. The closer the change is to us, the more significant the grief yet, we rarely take the time to acknowledge it, sit with it, process it.

I’m amid a change that, on the scale of 1-10 is an 11. It hurts, is raw and painful. In the several months I’ve been going through it I’ve often wondered if it should feel differently. In some respects, it felt like the wind got knocked out of me and I can’t quite catch my breath, and in others I feel relief. The conflicting emotions were confusing, and I wasn’t sure what to do with another one, numbness. Feeling nothing. New to me and arose as a defense mechanism, most certainly.

After the continuous swirl confusing emotions had continued beyond the point where I thought I could soldier through them any longer, I sought professional help. And exhaled. Within a short time, a new word surfaced that made sense to me and which I hadn’t considered. It was the one hiding in the corner, grief.

As though a light bulb had illuminated a previously dark space, I could see it. Of course, it was grief, yes! But now what? Oh, you mean I have to actually do something with it? Indeed. I was handed a tool that walked me through emotions I experienced, some named, others unnamed, all valid. And isn’t that the case for any of us in times of change? Sometimes we can’t put a name to the emotions we’re feeling, but once we either figure it out, after long suffering, or another person names it for us, it’s as though the final puzzle piece clicks into place.

Grief is normally associated with death, yet, when we think about death expansively, isn’t that what happens in change? One state ceases? Unless we acknowledge the ending, the new is tainted. Stained with the unresolved emotion we carry forward. We must grieve the loss and that phase may be brief, or it may span a longer time. But we must give it the time and space it warrants, or we’ll experience the aftermath.

Over a couple months, I worked through the grief exercise which culminated in reading it aloud. Yep, instead of simply having the thoughts in my head or on paper, I spoke them. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to that step, there was something cathartic about it. The exhale, feelings returning to my core. But once it was complete, I knew that holding on to those papers, what essentially was a letter, would only result in my returning to them. And there is no value in that. In any change, continuing to return to the emotions we feel during transition result in being stuck there. Which is counterintuitive to the process of moving through the grief cycle, feeling the feelings, in the first place. You don’t need to keep picking that scab.

So, I burned them. Ceremoniously, yet without fanfare, I placed them in the fireplace and lit a match. What I’d spent a couple months processing was ashes within minutes. When we go through change, whether personally or in business, we need to give grief the time it’s due. If we don’t, it’ll hide in the corner and come out in unhealthy ways. Destructive to you and the people around you. While not an easy process, one that is entirely worth the effort.

What change do you need to process? Give more time to? Realize the grief that is hiding, waiting for you to finally see it’s face? Friends, that’s the journey. Believe me, we’re in it together and my heart is for you. Sending you all the love. Be brave.

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Accepting help brings us closer

Miracle of helpingDeep breaths. Last words I heard the anesthesiologist say to me shortly before I drifted off to la-la land for surgery. Anesthesia is the closest thing to time travel we have these days. One minute you’re in an operating room and the next? You hear your name through a fog, slowly clearer and clearer, until you’re wide awake and looking at the aftermath. I’ve had a few surgeries throughout my life and remember the fading off and waking up from each. Something cemented in my mind.

You listen to your discharge instructions, yeah, yeah, got it. The implication of “non-weight bearing,” only sunk in after I got home and realized the full scope. Particularly in light of the fact I can’t balance on my other leg. I had the uncomfortable feeling of being helpless. Not completely, but most definitely dependent on others. There’s only so much you can do when you’re told to not have your foot unelevated for more than five minutes at a time. Five minutes? Two of those today were spent brushing my teeth! Three more isn’t enough to do much of anything.

So, I have to ask for help. There’s something that happens when we ask for and receive help, for us and the other person. It’s disarming, neutralizing. Especially when the help is needed for physical assistance. Whatever baggage might exist between you and the other rapidly fades as you work together towards a common goal. If you had a conflict, it fades in favor of peaceful co-existence.

But why? If we can erase, or at least diminish, conflict with another person when they are helping us or visa-versa, why won’t it come sooner?

I don’t suppose to have the magical answer, but there’s a common interest, a shared humanity, when you’re in the situation to help someone. Particularly if you both lean in. Being in a position of needing help is a vulnerable place, one where the mere act of asking itself is courage. And when you’re meeting another person’s need for help when they’re in that vulnerable place, you see them differently.

You’ve moved in.

That’s when we see people. In the moments of vulnerability. No masks, no pretense. Raw. Open. Unguarded.

Which may not be what we normally see. We’ve been programmed to be tough, to handle our own challenges. So, when we can’t, it might be a different side of us than people are used to. It’s your authentic self showing up. But those can be the best moments. With someone you trust, sharing an experience.

What if we could recreate the feelings that arise when we’re helping or being helped in everyday life? If we could see people as their true self? Unmasked and leaning in. We’d find ourselves in deeper relationships and healing hurts that keep us apart. That’s where we’d find a miracle. One worth seeking in this journey of life we’re navigating through. Day by day. Moving in to closer relationship. You may not need the help I do right now, but please, let your authentic self be seen. It’s worth the risk. You can do it, your brave my friend, and we’re doing it together.

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Truly seeing one another

I see youThroughout the day, we walk by mirror after mirror so you would think that when asked if we see ourselves clearly, the answer would be yes. But it’s not. Yesterday, I was polishing a handheld mirror that belonged to my great grandmother Marjorie and as the silver became brighter, I thought about the times she would have gazed into it. Wondering the thoughts that went through her mind as she reflected on it, if she saw herself clearly.

If I’m honest, looking at myself in the mirror, truly seeing myself, isn’t at the top of my list. It’s task oriented. At my hair while I’m drying it, at my face so that I can apply makeup, or pluck the persistent whiskers that have joined me in midlife -what is even up with those?!?!?! But to truly ‘see’ myself? Generally, it’s a hard pass.

Yet, in each of our faces, there’s a story, a lifetime, that yearns to be told. And when we’re seen by another person, we often feel stripped naked, unsure of what to do in that moment. People who can reach in and see our struggles and who we are at our core are rare.

That’s where Mr. Rogers comes in. Yes, Fred Rogers.

In the last few years, there’s been a resurgence of interest in Mr. Rogers and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood is the most recent. With Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers, it was set up for success. I spent the afternoon immersed in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood yesterday and walked out with the understanding that he was one of those rare people who could see into your soul.

Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was one of the few shows I was allowed to watch as a child. That, Sesame Street, an occasional Romper Room…not the diet of television children have today. Because of that, there’s a warm fuzzy feeling, the memory of those days, which washes over me when I watch anything about him.

What solidly hit home for me was how he reached into people’s lives and met them where they were. He tackled many of the “unspoken” issues which continue confront children today. Divorce, racism, anger, sadness…he looked at real life, not a candy-coated version. His kind, gentle approach appealed to children then, and now. The emotions that arise within children, and adults for that matter, are often brushed aside. They don’t have the words to explain them and adults may not ask.

But Fred Rogers did. By speaking the unspeakable he normalized children’s feelings. They were seen by him. That’s the warm fuzzy, the memory of how he reached into my home and created the feeling I was seen. Thank you to Tom Hanks for bringing the feeling back.

What if we could do that for each other? See people, enter their space and assure them that their feelings, their emotions, are valid, and normal and worth exploring. We can, you know, but we must move in. Get closer, ask questions and be ok sitting in the uncomfortable space that comes next. He wasn’t using ninja mind tricks, he simply asked questions…and waited. We’re so quick to rush and fill in the quiet space we don’t let the question linger. People are seen when we wait. Like children, it takes us a hot second to identify what’s going on inside us and name it.

Who needs you to be the one who sees them today? Are you willing to ask questions and wait…letting the answer come when it’s ready? In those moments you’ll see another authentically, the true self that wants to be seen, to be known…to be reassured that their feelings are valid. Choose to be that person. Get closer…what you’ll see will be beautiful.

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Help me help you

please and thank you“I can do it myself!” If you’re a parent or have spent any time around small children, it’s a frequently uttered phrase. It must be around age 3 or 4 they start to push on their independence. It’s part of every childhood and, honestly, necessary as they learn how to operate in the world apart from their parents.

As children grow up, they occasionally revert back, and start relying on mom again. My hypothesis is that they have so many other things occupying their minds, they don’t forget, but they don’t want to be bothered. My boys finally confessed to me in their late teens that it was easier to ask me than to figure it out themselves. Basically, they busted themselves. Now, I’m on to them.

I’ve never lost that independent piece of myself, my desire to do things myself. Each time I figure out how to do something around my house, the sense of satisfaction is worth it. I mean, I fixed a toilet leak recently, where’s the Girl Scout badge for that? Yet…I’ve been to told being self-sufficient is a sin. And although I couldn’t wrap my brain around that idea, it still bothered me. Here’s what I have to say about that. If you’re in my camp and are self-sufficient, I’m fairly certain Moses didn’t inscribe that one on the tablets. If anyone tries to tell you that, my answer is ‘nope.’ Moving on…

What is it about asking for, or accepting help that proves challenging? I’ve wrestled with the idea for a few years now, never quite putting my finger on it. For a while, I wondered if it had something to do with not wanting to make the ask, not wanting to rely on others. Maybe. It can be risky, a lot of unknowns. The funny thing is that I love helping people. I’m more than happy to jump in and lending a helping hand or find a solution. I often say that I could be a concierge. Putting together the pieces for people so they can have the best experience possible.

But yesterday, I had an ‘a-ha’ moment. I’d decided to replace the light fixture over my kitchen table. I know a couple of guys, one of whom is an actual electrician, who told me they come over and help. Nah…I can figure it out. I got the old one down, no problem. As I stood on the ladder staring at the wires, not gonna lie, I was a little perplexed how I was going to fit it all together. Obvi, white to white, black to black, but there was the grounding wire, the bracket…so many pieces. I contemplated YouTube solutions, or puzzling it out.

Instead, I asked for help. My friend came over, literally took him 15 minutes. Done. Light hung. Ta-da!

In my ‘a-ha’ moment I realized, it wasn’t that I had to do it myself, it’s that I don’t want to inconvenience others. I don’t want to be a bother. For me to ask for help feels tremendously vulnerable. It’s not the act of asking for help that causes hesitation, it’s the mental tape of ‘am I enough.’ Each time I was told I was overly self-sufficient; all it did was drive home the not good enough message. When I was teased for the independence? Same thing made me feel like I was doing something wrong, not enough.

Taking steps to be vulnerable, to ask for help, may not seem like no big thang, but, if you get this at all, it is. And I know there are many women out there who share my wiring. How do we overcome it? By doing the next thing. Yesterday, the next thing was asking for help with my light. Next week? Ask. That’s all that needs to happen. Whatever it is, make the ask.

The truth is, my friends, you are worthy, you are enough. All the messaging that gets in the way of that, it’s noise. I get that it’s hard, I’m right there with you, but you can be vulnerable. You are brave and courageous and I believe in you.

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Help me understand

UnderstandingIf you have children, or have been a child, you’ve heard the words, “why?” Literally one thousand times a day. Why is the sky blue, why is ice cream cold, why does my finger hurt, why won’t Sallie play with me, why do I have to take a bath? From our earliest childhood we have a desire to understand the complexities of life around us. We ask why to fill in the blanks.

As we get older, the path to understanding is not always as simple, and not within our own power to navigate. Our minds are programmed to fill in the blanks, making the gaps that much more difficult. Brené Brown writes and speaks about just that. She explains that in the absence of fact, our minds are hard wired to fill in the blanks. We create stories, usually far more dramatic than the actual truth when we don’t know the other person’s reasons. Their ‘why.’ We tell their side of the story.

And the result doesn’t paint the other person positively. They become the villain.

But I’m slowly realizing that there will be gaps in my understanding that I can’t fill in. Areas where I simply don’t understand why a series of events led to an unanticipated outcome. I naturally want closure, but it’s not there. Make no mistake, I’ve created a Pulitzer winning novel around the reasons, because I’m a normal human person. But that story is probably part fact, part fiction. I’ll never know.

The absolute truth is that the life journey I’m on requires me to keep taking the next step. I don’t have to understand it, but I have to take it. I’ve realized that when it comes to other people, I must understand that I won’t always understand. I could continue to wrestle the information I have into a cognitive story, but that’s all it would be, a story.

So what do you do with that? How do you shift your mind past a difficult situation when you don’t know the full story and never will, when you don’t understand? There’s no magical answer, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless in your own narrative. There is value in processing your existing information and emotions.

Get curious about your own ‘what’s’ and ‘why’s.’ What is the emotion you’re feeling, what was your experience, why did you make the choices you made? Examine those feelings and ask what you can learn from them. Understand your own perspective and current narrative. And then? Either you continue to retell your negative narrative, or you create a new one. Take the information and emotions you have and use those to create a story for yourself that extends grace and love, to yourself, and another person.

Hard things happen, relationships fail, and we don’t always understand. But we can make choices to move forward. To frame our experiences from a different mindset. To let ourselves and another off the hook. Not understanding, unresolved feelings, we process them and let them go. Imagine pulling against an immovable object and suddenly you let go. The rush of lightness that overcomes you, that’s what letting go and moving forward is akin to.

There will be things in life we simply don’t understand. What you do with that? It’s your choice. Be brave my dears. We’re on this journey together.

 

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Worthy now

WorthinessAt the time I was having my children, I lived in Yosemite, aka, the woods, for those not familiar. I’d grown up there and through serendipitous situations, was living and working there as an adult. Somehow, I got it in my head that I’d have my kids naturally, without pain killers. Maybe it was that I had friends having their kids at home, sometimes in the bathtub. No pain killers seemed like a good middle ground. By and large, I did it. I had a little something with the first, because, well, he was nine pounds and a little complicated. But number two, nada. In truth, I think my body was well designed for it.

I remember my Dad commenting that I was a mountain-women for taking the no pain killer route. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but maybe it was a nod to the natural, mountain living, way of doing it. Either way, I’m not going to lie, having them without drugs was a personal badge of honor. Not the first or last time I went for the badge.

Many years later, I decided to walk a marathon. Walk because I’m not a runner and make no excuses about that. Again, my Dad said, “don’t you think you could walk 26 miles?” I did, so he asked me why walk the marathon? To prove to myself I could do it. Ahhhh, there it is.

Proving it. It’s not for the so-called glory. It’s to prove to myself that I can do it. And it’s a path I go down all.the.time. But why? It’s not so other people will notice, or comment. It’s the internal driver. Part of why I used to go out and ride 200 miles on my bike. The company, friends I was with, were a huge plus.

But there’s something about proving it to myself. In my mind, I equate it to a child, adamant in saying “I can do it myself.” I could hypothesize that it’s partially because of my foot amputation at 4 and a drive to show I was like anyone else. But I wouldn’t conclusively say that’s it. In Brené Brown’s work, she talks about it in respect to worthiness.

“Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don’t have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess.” Brené Brown

When we don’t accept ourselves, we work to create the narrative. She’s tough. Persistent. A fighter. You take on the world to show that you’re worthy. Even if you’re only doing it subconsciously.

Truth is, and this is no news flash, I’m far from perfect. Most days I’m a hot mess. And this is nothing new. The difference is that I’m at an age where I understand and accept it. Less inclined to have the urge to prove I’m something other than the person standing in front of you. In the middle part of life where we look long and hard at ourselves and at long last start the process of acceptance.

But there still times my internal “prove it” narrative comes up. It’s my subconscious taunting me. Doubt. The false narrative. And we all have that nagging voice. The work is coming to terms with our own worthiness. Believing that we are worthy, even if we’re a hot mess. When we hustle, when we believe we can’t show up as our true self, we’re not leaning into our authenticity. Only when we’re being authentic are we our full, true self.

What’s your narrative? What are you doing instead of simply being your true self? You’re no worse for accepting your true self. In fact, you’re stronger. We have to stand in our truth, in our authenticity, and believe that we’re worthy. People will either accept us or not, but if they don’t, they’re not our people.

You are worthy. Now. As is. Worthy of love and belonging. Start with accepting yourself and lay down the belief that you need to hustle for your worth. You are perfectly and wonderfully made.

Sending you all the love. Be Brave.

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When selfish is self-care

IMG_1523I was called selfish the other day. It’s one of the worst insults to me, honestly. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture. I’m certain each of us has the insult that cut us to the core, and that’s the one for me. It’s rolled around in my head a couple days, and I should have known from the beginning it would make it to the page.

If you’ve ever been called selfish, you’ve likely spent an equal amount of time wondering if, in fact, it’s true. It’s one of those insults that might as well be followed with “shame on you.” Sometimes used as an Evangelical slam, it’s often said in a way meant to say you’re not following the Golden Rule, not loving others as I love myself. Interesting, because if you follow that paradigm, you have to love yourself. Hence, if you’re not doing that, taking care of yourself, you can’t love others.

There’s great debate around the idea of self-care. The idea that you’re spending time and energy to restore yourself. Maybe that’s taking a long bath, expressing yourself creatively, taking a walk, connecting with a friend. Self-care can be time spent alone, or with other people. If you don’t have a practice around self-care, you’d be wise to develop one. Whatever it is for you that restores your heart, mind, body and soul. It is not selfish to practice self-care.

It’s also not selfish to have your own thoughts, ideas and opinions. We are made by the Creator as unique individuals. We’re here to express who we are in the world. And our ideas might not align with those around us, friends, family, loved ones. They don’t have to. There’s a myth that those in close proximity to us are going to align with what we believe. Maybe. But not necessarily. Having our own thoughts and expressing them doesn’t make us selfish.

Leaning into our integrity. Also, not selfish. If we are clear about what we believe, it is incumbent upon us to walk it out. There are times for the sake of relationship when we compromise and walk alongside someone else following their own beliefs. There’s nothing wrong with that. In the beginning, no sweat. You walk along, stretched, but still clear on your own convictions. After a while, one of two things is going to happen. You might be influenced to change your perspective, to realign your beliefs. Or, you might start to feel the seeds of discontent within you. Something you can ignore for a time, but then not. Your integrity won’t allow you to continue to compromise yourself.

That’s where it gets tricky. Being vulnerable and having a tough conversation about the misalignment. Stand in your values and express what you need to stay within your integrity. Maybe not popular, but not selfish.

Making decisions that are ultimately going to be the best for you, even if painful for a time? Not selfish. Yes, there are times for sacrifice. We can not have what we want all the time. That’s called being a human person living with other human persons. We ebb and flow. But when that’s not happening, it’s not selfish to make hard choices.

Talking about being selfish and what it is and isn’t is uncomfortable at best. To some degree, it’s subjective. What’s selfish for you may not be for me. Neither wrong. It’s not a black and white issue. What I know for sure is that anything said to create feelings of shame is destructive. Shame has no place in a healthy conversation. Chances are, if you’re wondering if you’re being selfish, you’re probably not. You’re considering other people, which is the entire point. We’re here to do our lives together. We can’t do that if we’re not taking care of ourselves, physically and most importantly emotionally, taking care of our soul.

Don’t let anyone make you feel less than, make you feel small or shameful for taking care of yourself. It’s you job. And doing it well isn’t selfish. It’s healthy. It’s self-preservation.

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Create your own adventure

Big AdventureAdventurous. Isn’t that an adjective we hope people use when describing us? Up for anything. Ready for any anything. Traveler, experience seeker…all of it. I’d like to call myself an adventurer. I love exploring places I’ve never been, love finding somewhere new. Love the idea of travel. Picking up at a moment’s notice and taking off, no plans…open to whatever comes my way.

But what do I look like in real life? Dreaming of those adventures but spending Saturday night watch the latest Netflix original movie, Otherhood. Would I recommend it? No. A tale of moms of late 20-something boys who find themselves on the outside of their son’s lives. Can I relate? I’m going to say no and leave it at that. I love my mama’s boys…but I digress…

I found myself ruminating about the dichotomy of what my dreams are and what I actually do. As always, there’s more than one factor at play. It’s likely that way with any area of disconnect in our lives. The causes are not black and white. There are shades of grey, or, ombre if I’m being hip and cool #lifegoals.

What started my rambling thoughts was an idea that popped into my head as I was waking up the other day. I love Santa Cruz and I started dreaming about how fun it would be to drive over for an adventurous weekend. Not more than a minute later the naysayer voice started. It’s a long way…it’s only you…what will you do…are you worth spending the money to get a hotel… Flooding into my mind, as though the thoughts were waiting to pounce, waiting to squash the dream.

Except this time, I caught them.

Startled into full alertness, I realized the path I went down. Killing my own dreams because I didn’t feel “worth it.” What…the…hell??? A trip to Santa Cruz? Come on now. It’s not that complicated. Hotel, cheap eats, some Starbucks…easy-peasy. But I’d stopped it. I could tell the thought process was going down the path of, stay safe and content in your own house…minimize risks…save your money. Valid, but not overriding reasons to skip an adventure.

Scouring my memories, I recalled that I have had numerous adventures over the years. How did those happen if I barely wanted to leave my cozy chair today? Friends, that’s how. I had Rockstar adventurous girlfriends who led me down the path to bike trips. To places in California I’d never seen before, beautiful, stunning even, stretches of the coast that everyone should see. From the seat of my bike, I explored California with gusto, because I had buddies. A trip to Ireland years ago happened because a friend wanted to go and I tagged along for the ride. Guinness does taste better in Dublin.

Maybe the answer to adventure is two-fold, it could be for any of us. Believing you are worth it, because you are, and having the motivation. In the past my friends motivated me, and maybe that’ll be the case again, but travelling for the pure joy of it is motivation enough for me. Honestly, solo travel has appeal.

An adventurous life may not be the dream you sidestep. It may be going back to school, or learning piano, guitar, another language, or maybe starting a new business, or insert your dream here. Whatever it is, tell yourself deep down that you are worth it. Period. End of story. Every single one of us could come up with endless reasons not to pursue a dream, instead, say yes. Don’t wait another minute. And to make sure it happens? Accountability. Friends to do it with you, or who will ask you about it. People who you trust and who will follow up for your better good, not to hassle you. Your tribe are your allies, engage them to push you towards your dreams.

It’s a journey for every one of us, let’s keep taking it together. Be brave, Be authentic, Be bold my friends.