Tag: life coaching

Posted on

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Life that's waitingMy Dad has a saying he’s adopted as I’ve gotten older, “Life is not a dress rehearsal.” He encourages us to live full, engaged lives…to do our best. I remind myself of this reality on a regular basis. But it’s so easy to get tripped up along the way…sometimes I wonder if that’s what I’ve mastered…the misstep.

At an early age we begin asking children what they want to be when they grow up. As parents, we have our own dreams for our children which are most likely merely continuations of our own dreams. To have a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, grandchildren…our dreams, not necessarily our theirs.

The reality is that life rarely works out like we think it will. Ok, never. I’ll be bold and say never.

Life is messy. The so called “path” we travel down looks more like a game of Chutes and Ladders. You move forward, go back, slide down, unexpectedly move up…throw in a few more twists and turns…now you have a picture of what life is truly like.

So, if it’s not a dress rehearsal, what is the “play” we’re in? What if we complicate our outlook by holding on so tightly to the picture of what we thought life would look like that we can’t see the one that’s right in front of us? Or we continue to show up for a version of our life that is no longer working?

So…many…conflicting…thoughts.

We likely know when our lives are off track. If we don’t consciously know it, our bodies will begin to tell us. Stress compounds, aches, pains…for me, it’s my gut that talks to me. I can literally feel the stress “in the pit of my stomach.” You might have headaches, lose sleep, the disconnect makes itself known to our bodies faster than to our conscious minds. Pay attention.

Midlife has been the time when I’ve begun to see the disconnects. Realized that I’ve been stuck in dress rehearsal for too long. Which, on the one hand, keeps me safe…but I’m not fully engaged either. What makes me sad is knowing there are many others who are on the same trajectory.

Showing up for real life instead of a dress rehearsal requires us to let go of the disconnect. The dream that is not the reality of our life. The vision of how we thought life would be. There’s a grieving that comes along with that. Letting go. Grieving whatever the loss is for you, because it’s different for each of us.

When you shift your perspective, see where you’re holding on to a dream that no longer serves you, or that’s changed, you can show up for the life you’re creating today. What you’re letting go wasn’t wasted, it shaped you into who you are today, but you’ve outgrown it. When you show up for your life today, show up fully. Embrace the opportunities, the realities open to you once you let go and begin gazing upon what’s unfolding before your eyes. It’s our journey friends, you’re not alone.

Posted on

Making hard choices

Arizona SandalsI have a love/hate relationship with shoes. On the one hand, love…so much. My go to these days are fashion sneakers and sandals, flats of any nature are my jam. But the Arizona Birkenstock sandal and I, there’s something special there. That shoe, I swear, it courted me. Wooed me. Five years ago I would have said it was the shoe of the hippie, today, not only are they fashionable, but there is more than an outside chance the hippie in the room is me, thank you very much.

Shoes have never been a slam dunk for me. There is a qualifying process I go through because of my prosthetic foot. Heels are out. Granted, I have an alternative foot that looks like a Barbie foot, but I rarely wear it, comfort prevails these days. And because I have no ankle flexion, nor grip in my toes, shoes practically have to be attached to my foot to stay on. Last year though, I entered new territory when I got a foot with a split toe. Yes, just as you imagine, the big toe is separated from the rest. So what you might ask?

Flip flops. No joke. I can now wear flip flops because I have the split toe. A whole new category of shoes available to me which I took full advantage of. I purchased my first Birkenstock’s last year, the split toe sandals, loved them so much I bought two colors! So, this year, when the Arizona started speaking to me, I thought our time had come. I had surprising success with the others, maybe they would work.

They did not.

Within twenty minutes I walked out of them, the toe grip was critical, I learned. And if I’m honest, I saw it coming. I’ve never had luck with the pure “slide” sandals.

But I really wanted them. I bargained with myself that maybe they’d work. I could tighten the straps, walk carefully, take my time. When I finally resigned myself to return them, I was sad, I had to acknowledge that, in fact, the same conditions that had always been there with my foot remained.

As I thought about my short affair with the Arizona sandal, a broader picture opened before me.

I thought about relationships, at work, personally, where I have invested, committed, desiring them to work out while knowing deep in my heart they would not. Yet, I persisted. It happens with a wide variety of choices in our lives. We go down a path believing it’s where we’re supposed to be only to discover something else. But we’re committed.

And we want it to work, to affirm for ourselves that we’ve made the right choice, chosen the right path. We bargain, we change ourselves to fit, we ignore the pain points telling us it’s time to step away and somewhere in that process, we begin to lose ourselves. Become someone different to make the situation work.

It’s incredibly hard to instead realize we’re on the wrong path, in a relationship, or job, or pursuit that isn’t working, and isn’t going to work. It’s not as easy as returning a pair of shoes (which wasn’t easy – I loved those shoes!). It’s an act of courage to be clear about the situation, who you are and what isn’t working. To come to terms with the fact that what may have been right before isn’t anymore.

And, to be clear, the majority of situations, relationships, aren’t going to magically resolve themselves. When it’s time to make a change, you can try bargaining your way out of it, and short term it might work, but not in the long run. When the shoe isn’t fitting right, you need to take action.

If you’re thinking about your own “pair of shoes” that doesn’t fit, what are you going to do about it? What courageous step do you need to take? It can be hard, honestly, it can suck, but if you want to live an authentic, bold life, you can take the step. Have a conversation, realize a path you’re on isn’t working. Find someone you trust and talk it through. At the end of the day, only you know what fits and what doesn’t. And that makes you the person who can make the shift that can change the direction of your life.

Posted on

Being Brave Sooner

Be Brave SoonerThe call you never expect, news you can’t believe but which sinks in slowly over time. A couple of weeks ago, I received one of those calls at work. A co-worker and friend had passed away unexpectedly, at what I consider a young age, 62. The pain that rippled through my workplace in the following days was palpable as we shared in fond memories and sadness.

Yesterday we concluded that chapter with a Celebration of Life. As people shared fond memories of a man who lived a full life, I thought about my own. Which, I think, is not an atypical thought process. As we remember others, we ponder how we would be remembered. Who would show up to celebrate our life? It’s not reflection for the sake of a popularity contest, for me, it’s wondering about the positive impact I’ve been able to have on other’s lives.

Not the first time I’ve gone down this path. Reaching midlife also prompts reflection on the impact we’ve had. It’s not as much about my own experiences as those I’ve shared. The people I’ve engaged with throughout my life. How I’ve shown up.

Coming on the heels of being at Dare to Lead™ facilitator training this week, a theme continues to bubble up for me.

Be Brave Sooner

I have a heightened awareness that I’ve lived a safe life. One that minimizes risk of failure. One where there is a built-in back-up plan. I prepare for disappointment which keeps me safe but keeps me small. A couple years ago, I made my word for the year Brave. And I was. I took chances, spoke up, leaned in. But somewhere along the way, I dialed it back. I started playing it safe again.

Normal, I think, to ebb and flow in life, but when being brave started slipping from my grasp, I could see the ripples in the way I showed up in life. The decisions, the way I engaged. Safe. When we’re brave, we have honest conversations, we speak up, we’re vulnerable and courageous.

Perfectly summed up in one of the slides from training.

“You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability – Embrace the suck”

100% get that. Vulnerability can be hard. It’s part of being brave, but it does suck at times. It’s hard. You can’t phone in being brave, being courageous. It’s a step by step process of being vulnerable. That doesn’t mean doing the verbal vomit with every single person you know. It’s being vulnerable with those you do life with, the people that matter. Stepping into uncertainty and being real instead of the polished façade.

Making brave, courageous choices in the way we engage is what leads to a celebration of life. Playing it safe may feel great in the moment but leaves a small footprint. Wouldn’t you choose to look back on life and know that you were brave, courageous, lived fully and engaged with others? It’s a choice. It takes practice. You can do it. Be Brave Sooner.

Posted on

Discovering my favorite things

Know what you desireAs much as I’d like to break into a rendition of “These are of few of my favorite things…” from The Sound of Music, that’s not what’s on my mind today – although – maybe it is now because that tune has now firmly taken up residence via my inner voice (insert face palm here). Instead, the idea of favorite things has been rolling around in my head since I went to a friend’s birthday party the other night.

The party centered around all her favorite things – from food, to music, a raffle around her favorites – and she must have listed about 100 – and people, those she wanted to spend time with. I discovered that some of her favorite things are mine as well. But I couldn’t help wondering if I could name my favorites, and that’s stuck with me since.

I come from a family steeped in tradition and one of the phrases I hear nearly every time we’re planning a dinner is, “We’ll have [insert food item here], everyone loves it.” Sometimes I think to myself, “I don’t love it,” but at the same time, I don’t dislike it either. I go with the flow. If asked, I probably couldn’t name what I’d want instead anyways.

And there’s the rub. The fact that I know I have a tough time naming what I truly like is unsettling to me. At the same time, having an understanding of how I’m wired gives me a leg up on the ‘why’ behind it. I’m an Enneagram 9, which is likely not news to you if you’ve read my blog for any length of time. And as a 9, go with the flow is my middle name. I want peace, no conflict, to have harmony. Declaring what I actually want is honestly a bit terrifying. What if others don’t like it, or agree? What if I rock the

boat? I’m far more inclined to tell you what I don’t like than what I do.

But when you go along to get along, it doesn’t always work out that well. You could find yourself being resentful without being sure why. Resentment coming from not expressing your own desires, wants needs. I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing what you want and expressing it is not selfish, as some might suggest. Instead, it’s part of being an individual. Knowing what you want, what makes you come alive, brings you delight, makes your heart swell with joy. It’s not the same as someone else’s joy, or passion, and that’s ok.

And simply knowing and expressing what you’re passionate about, your favorite things, doesn’t necessarily mean you are surrounded by those things at the exclusion of what others desire. Instead, you can weave together…find a blending and harmony in sharing your favorite things with others.

You may already know your favorite things, but if you’re like me, let’s work on figuring it out. As you go through your week, notice what sparks joy in you. What activities, objects, people, experiences, feelings make you happy? Where do you find delight? Is it shopping at Whole Foods market because you like the environment – for me, yes it is. Being in nature, the sunrise or sunset? Bodies of water? Helping other people? Shoes? Painted toenails? Painting in general? While these would start a list, it would not fill up the board my friend had at her party. The challenge for me, and anyone else looking to get in touch with themselves, is to notice, name it, and write it down. Expressing what you love might feel awkward, or foreign to you, but practice it. In time, we’ll get there and have a greater ability to express our bold selves. I’m with you on the journey.

 

Posted on

Midlife Awareness

img_0198 (1)I am the oldest child and have all the type A characteristics that come with it. Oddly though, my birthday is late in the year, which made me the youngest among many of my friends growing up. I was four when I started kindergarten and only 17 when I stepped foot on my college campus. It presented a dichotomy, oldest at home but youngest in day to day life. I’ve thought about the contrast lately as I’m mentally turning a corner. Still the oldest child, no longer the youngest of my peers, and in the middle of my life.

People talk about midlife with a negative slant. But I’d disagree. For me, it’s a time of change. Paraphrasing Brené Brown… Midlife, it’s when the Universe shakes us and says ‘stop messing around, use the gifts I gave you. If you’ve read Brené you know she would have said that saltier than I do, for good reason, emphasizing that many of us have walked along beside our life to this point. We’ve let it happen to us, and in our early 50’s (plus or minus) it’s as though we wake up.

I know I have. It wasn’t at 50, more like the late 40’s. My question was ‘how do I want to play this out?’ I entered a career by default out of college and stayed it in. Changed employers a few times, but never changed my field. But I started to feel there was so much more. Gifts that I had which were lying on a shelf, dusty. A slant towards connection, creativity, writing…passions that I’d pushed aside for responsibility. Safe, secure, staying the course that others had laid out for me…until I started to question it.

I can see why it’s called a midlife ‘crisis.’ When you take your life and throw it up in the air to see what sticks, yeah, that can look like a crisis. Your body starts to act out…aches, arthritis (it’s no joke), hot flashes, fatigue. What…the…heck?? You talk about the quality of your sleep instead of the latest mountain you’ve conquered, realize that you can’t eat fries like a teenager anymore. Maybe you buy a sports car…I’ve heard that’s a thing… or embark on ways to ‘discover’ yourself.

I can’t help but wonder if the ‘crisis’ comes from not knowing how to navigate our true self. Stay with me. By the time we hit this time of life, our roles start to change. The self that we presented to the world starts to fall away. Our kids are in various stages of adulting, some of us may have parents who are starting to have health challenges (personally thankful I don’t have this one yet), we may find ourselves questioning our careers – how we want our work life to look. We might also start to discover creative passions. I know I have. Looking at our life free of the parts that defined us, shaped us for years, wondering what’s next, the questions can feel overwhelming, like a crisis.

Or, we can look at this phase of life as an awakening. We’re old enough to honestly look at our lives, discerning enough to weed through the parts that aren’t working and put those aside. At the same time, we are wise and have the freedom to explore our gifts, the talents we shelved when we were in the weeds earlier in our lives. AND (this is one of my favorites), we care far less about doing what everyone else thinks we should. Now that is freeing in and of itself.

Midlife awakening, boldly stepping into the next phase. Claiming it, embracing it. Ready to live out our authentic lives, knowing they may or may not look different than they have. Loving ourselves through it, embracing our gifts, and sharing those with the world. It’s your bold life, my friend, live it fully.