Tag: midlife women

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Wholehearted living requires letting go of scarcity

It may go down in history as the great toilet paper shortage of 2020. People unexplainably acquiring massive amounts, envision entire shopping carts full, of toilet paper, as we prepared for the unknown virus facing our country. While buying toilet paper is seemingly benign, it’s indicative of the underlying message many believe, which is that there is not enough, a symptom of a culture of scarcity.

In an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow, Brené Brown shared, “Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyper-aware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking.”  Our fear of scarcity thrives in the dark. It thrives on blame, shame, pointing outward instead of getting curious about what’s happening within our hearts and minds. Instead of sitting with the knowing that there is enough.

Letting go of scarcity – the fourth guidepost

My year of wholeheartedly living has brought me to the fourth guidepost which is letting go of scarcity. The timing is nothing if not serendipitous as the world around us has come to a hard stop and collective fear is the name of the game. Beyond the lack in material supply, we’re seeing a lack of employment, of face to face interaction, of connection. And while you can find news outlets talking about the human connection element of this crisis, it’s generally not the leading story on the nightly news.

And we remain in darkness, the breeding ground for the elements Brené defines as scarcity: shame, comparison and disengagement. Our roles at home have quadrupled. As women, if we’re working from home, we may also be homeschooling children, keeping the house clean, preparing not one but now three meals a day, and holding space for all the emotions swirling around our homes.

Never ____________ enough

The competing demands within our homes may lead us to feel depleted. With nothing left to give. The competing demands lead us to fill in our own blank;

Never good enough

Never perfect enough

Never confident enough

Never feminine enough

Never active enough

Never organized enough

Never…enough

The feelings multiply in the darkness. We may feel a chasm of darkness within us because the one who is keeping ‘all the things’ moving within our home has no space for her own feelings. She pushes them down and they swirl as a drop of color into otherwise clear water…soon losing their clarity.

The antidote – Cultivate Gratitude and Joy

Combating scarcity requires curiosity…questioning our experience, what we’re feeling. It requires we step into that uncomfortable space of vulnerability. Honestly, living with vulnerability is a day by day journey. But when we choose to talk about what’s happening within us, we can view our feelings as data. Providing us with information about what we need, desire…our hopes, our strengths. We can shift from scarcity, and instead, remember that, even in our current circumstance, we can cultivate gratitude and joy.

Joy that we’re spending more time with our families. Grateful to have the space to take a breath. We have time, what normally may feel like the scarcest of all resources. To believe we must do it all leaves us depleted. We may not have toilet paper, but we have time. Time to get curious about our feelings. Time to see joy in the moments spent with family. Gratitude for our own health.

We have enough. And for that, I am grateful.

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Why we need to get curious about our emotions

Is there a stronger word than unexpected? Unpredicted, startling, unforeseen… With a decent amount  of certainty I can say that what we’re collectively experiencing is all of that. And a bag of chips. In all seriousness, did anyone foresee within our lifetime that the United States would essentially shut down and tell nearly every person to stay at home?

Without forethought that the end of March would look as it does, I’d chosen to focus on the wholehearted living guidepost of resilience this month. Resilience is cultivated by getting curious about the emotions we experience during an adverse experience. Brené Brown wrote about resilience in Rising Strong. She boils it down to one primary attribute in this Business Insider article. Exploring your emotions.

Getting curious about your emotions

Anybody else want to join me in the collective desire to squirm at the idea of exploring your emotions?? As I walked out this work, it readily became apparent that I may have skipped that class earlier in life. Sure, I could name mad, sad, glad, and throw in disappointment…I have that one down pat. With near certainty I can say that disappointment has hit every one of us in the last month. What I’ve experienced over the last few weeks pales in comparison to those who are losing jobs, facing illness, business closures…devastation more accurately describes the collective emotion around the condition of the country today.

Write it down

On more than one occasion I’d have to raise my hand and admit that emotion has taken the wheel and driven me near the edge of a cliff. Not helpful.

What is helpful is to write down what you’re feeling. Brené Brown calls it the SFD. The shitty (or stormy for the more delicate reader) first draft. The equivalent of the verbal vomit. Think about what you’re experiencing right now, write it all down. The good, bad and ugly. The blame, shame…the everybody sucks and you’re dying version, unedited. Nobody else is going to read it, and probably shouldn’t…you’re not looking to bring others down with you…it’s about understanding what you’re feeling, how the emotions have taken hold.

Look up

Once we understand our emotions, we’re in a stronger position to see how they’ve taken hold of our thoughts. Emotions are feelings, they’re valid. But they’re not what’s actually happening. I one thousand and twenty percent acknowledge I’ve been fuzzy about the distinction between the two…maybe more than once…or ten times.

We get stuck and are not resilient when we jump into the emotional pool and feel powerless to do anything about it. That is not truth. It’s not the fact of the situation. Understanding our emotions allows us to rewrite the narrative. We choose what to do with the emotions, to look up and see the truth of what’s happening. Often, we’ve taken that truth and added on layers of emotion that take on a life of their own. The SFD gets us back to facts. It’s a way of speaking what we’re feeling and bringing it into the open so that the emotions no longer hold power. We do. We will move forward from this moment because we are resilient.

Connect to others

Understanding we’re not powerless, naming our emotion and seeing truth allows us to return to the present rather than feeling alone. Especially amid what we’re collectively experiencing, we need connection. More than ever, it simply looks different. It looks like Facetime, Zoom calls, texting…from our living rooms. Collectively we can choose to band together and build resilience. Yesterday morning, my weekly coffee was converted to a Facetime call, and it felt like we didn’t miss a beat. Yes, the emotions suck. In the blink of an eye we could be circling the drain. But that’s not what I’m seeing.

I see families…including both parents…taking walks, or bike rides together. Outside enjoying a beautiful spring day rather than looking out the window from a car. I’m told of people working in their gardens, shopping for elderly neighbors, sewing masks for health care professionals. Getting creative around staying connected. Building resilience.

Resilience makes us strong

I have a coaster on my desk at work, “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.” Friends, you can do hard things. Facing the invisible enemy of COVID-19 is a hard thing. Those emotions you’re feeling, they’re normal, they’re valid. Write them down. Choose what you’ll do with them instead of handing them the reigns. Would you let a two-year old drive your car??

Choose your narrative. The one in which you have peace with our, yes, our situation. Stay connected and find joy in moments ‘together’ and in the simple pleasures of everyday life. We are strong, we’re brave and we’re resilient.

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Why we need other people, now more than ever

Months ago, we sent out the announcement. “Join us for a weekend of Dare to Lead™ in the cozy living room of my friend” (and partner) in this venture. I prepared for weeks (months, really), refining my material, combing over my PowerPoint and notes, preparing the materials. I’d spent the week reviewing and walking through the weekend of training in my head.

Unexpected Changes

And then, COVID-19 blew up. There’s no other way to describe in, in my opinion. What began as an easily spread, potentially serious depending on your existing health, virus in China now impacts every single one of us to some degree or another.

Yet, I was healthy, my friend – healthy, we were a go. I casually sent her a text early in the week to see if anyone had expressed concern, and the answer was no. When travel bans and “social distancing” became everyday vocabulary, we had a new landscape before us.

I got the call on Thursday morning, for class starting Friday, three hours from where I live. After much angst about it (by me) we decided to switch to a virtual class. Honestly, it’s playing out 100 times better than I’d even hoped for.

But there were a few people who dropped off. 16 hours looking at your computer isn’t for everyone. Disappointed not to participate but understanding.

More Impact from Social Distancing

I’ll be honest, when I say there was angst about the switch, it was more like a whisk stirred around all the thoughts I had in my mind about the weekend and I had to sort it out again, in 24 hours. And during those 24 hours, I also learned that a trip I had planned to Florida to celebrate a major milestone in my Dad’s career, was postponed. Along with my sister-in-law’s baby shower. And a likely celebration of my Grandpa’s upcoming 94th birthday. We Williams don’t mess around when we’re all together.

I felt the disappointment in my gut.

Along with millions of other people worldwide who are experiencing the cancellation, or virtualization, of training, conferences, weddings…school is being cancelled for weeks. Throughout the U.S. life is grinding to a standstill as we grapple with a solution to this virus.

And while I have mixed feelings about the literal standstill we’re experiencing, I am keenly aware of the immense change and disappointment millions are feeling. We’re watching the economy shift as a result of the cancellations. People are watching their retirement accounts plummet, and businesses are feeling the impact. Which trickles down to the workers, many of whom are sent home during closures and while some are paid, not all are so fortunate.

We need other people

We’re also being encouraged to stay away from others to stop the spread of the virus. So, on top of disappointment, many are shifting to isolation – a combination easily leading to depression. We need to be building resiliency.

If all goes according to plan, the virus will die out in 4-6 weeks and we’ll be given the ‘all clear’ to resume life. In military terms, we’ll be given the “As you were.” But as you were may no longer exist. We’ll be faced with recovering from the widespread impact of “social distancing.” Bouncing back may feel like starting from a dead stop.

Which is why we must stay connected to other people. While my class this weekend is virtual, we’re all on video and talking with each other, seeing each other, experiencing emotions together. We need to perpetuate those experiences with other people. Imagine if you were undertaking a complete house remodel. You may take the house down to the foundation as you begin your efforts. But you rebuild from that strong foundation.

Pour into your connections

It’s critical that we maintain and strengthen a strong foundation with people in our lives. Passivity won’t cut it. We need to actively maintain connection. Create moments for joy, shared experiences, a new way of “doing life together.” Nearly everyone is experiencing disruption and disappointment to one degree or another and the absolute worst thing we can do is isolate. We need other people, even if those people are at a distance.

We don’t stand a chance of being resilient and bouncing back if that foundation isn’t maintained. Not a single chance. People need us, we need each other. We’re facing a new normal, at least for the time being, and we owe it to each other, to our shared humanity, to step it up. Make extra efforts to connect with those you love, and those who may be alone. We’re cultivating resilience together. Distancing doesn’t have to mean disconnection. We’re literally on this journey together my friends, let’s be brave.

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Making your way on a bumpy path

Resiliency – my focus for the month. It’s top of mind and I’m noticing what adds to and what detracts from building joyful moments to bounce off when life becomes life. The aspects of day to day living that are, honestly, a drag. Because we all have the tough parts, even if we don’t want to acknowledge it.

I get in my own way

Much of my time is spent in my head, which is good and bad. On the plus side, it allows time for introspection. Thinking about ways in which I can continue to grow in life. Stretching, reaching. The downside? It allows time for introspection. Quickly moving past the good to look at the bad and the ugly. It takes little to get the downward spiral going. Before I know it, I’m in the phase of, “My body is gross, I’m ugly and nobody loves me.” A friend I used to spend hours and hours cycling with and I coined that phrase. It 1000% describes the woe is me state that knocks on my door at least once a week.

And look at what she’s doing!

Here’s the deal. Moseying along, living my authentic life, but that pesky comparison creeps up on me. I’ll start to notice the amazing work someone else is doing, in the SAME space I want to be doing it. The nerve. Well, actually, the amazing nerve because they are nailing it. And if they’re nailing it, why aren’t I? No really, why aren’t I?

In this moment, there is no joy, no bounce, no resiliency. Pure and simple, there is woe is me. Lasting anywhere from 2 minutes to a day, I ponder why I haven’t gotten off my butt and gotten my groove going. Instead here’s what happens. The workday ends and I head home thinking I’m going to work on the project, whatever that is. It might be a class I’m facilitating, painting I want to do, reading a great book that’s gathering dust beside me as we speak, the list goes on.

But instead of working on the project I make dinner, sit in my chair, feet up, and turn on Netflix. Learning about Mary Queen of Scots via Reign is a real thing people. Rather than making an impact on my world, even if only in a small way, I watch Mary, Francis, and Catherine…wondering what possible potion she’ll come up with next. Seriously people, this is my life.

I try and remember self-compassion. Maybe it’s what I need in the moment. Yes, it must be because it happens 5 nights a week.

Unexpected Resiliency Boost

My desire to create a space for women to step into their authentic self has percolated inside me for over 4 years. I take baby steps, but don’t see it to fruition. Staying in my space, my known, seems so much more peaceful. But the desire doesn’t go away. Which is why seeing other people nail it creates angst. I want to be doing it to. The other day, I was talking to a coach friend who shared this quote with me…

If you can see the path laid out in front of you, step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path. Joseph Campbell

The joy it brought me to frame what I’ve been doing as part of my own path, one I truly don’t see clearly, which is why I double back so often. My path might have needed Netflix, or not. But it has its own timing. Reframing brought me resiliency.

Stay on YOUR path

Resiliency brings you back. For me, it helps me remember I’m my own authentic person with my own path. I’m not walking down someone else’s. And mine will not only look different than someone else’s, it’ll be in my timing, not there’s. Instead of comparing, I can stay in the space of being inspired by what’s being created by others and not care about the when. Joy and appreciation for my own journey can win. That’s the wholehearted space.

What about you?

Are you walking down your own path, or chasing your ball down someone else’s road? Take a minute and think about it. If the path isn’t familiar, it’s probably yours. Stay on it. Don’t let the shiny things on someone else’s distract you, because you have your own journey to walk out. We’re in this together, friends, choosing a wholehearted existence. Be brave.

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Wholehearted living – Guidepost #3 – Resiliency

We’ve arrived at month three of my year of wholehearted living. The third guidepost is letting go a numbing and powerlessness and cultivating a resilient spirit.

Defined, resiliency is “the ability to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Reading this I thought, well, shoot, I’ve been resilient throughout my life! Thinking back, I recall the medical challenges with my foot amputation, moving homes several times as a child, family drama – like anyone else, broken teenage hearts, and I don’t even want to examine adulthood. But was I resilient in those moments or was it something else?

Think about your own life and the challenges you’ve faced. Capture them in your mind for a moment. What was your approach? At a glance, I would say that I was resilient. But this isn’t a glance, it’s a stare down. The honest truth is I numbed myself. Continuing to look forward, pushing aside pain or sadness. I’m certain I felt, or told myself, I was powerless to make any impact, so the easier choice was to numb, to tune out. Yes, I moved forward. Yes. I bounced back. But at the cost of not processing or sitting with the emotions I was having. Which is why, at 52 years old, I’m still working to identify my emotions and what I want my voice to be in the world. Does any of that sound familiar?

Finding your midpoint

Resiliency, bouncing back, does not involve numbing, or powerlessness. Imagine a line in your mind. The midpoint is how you show up in life from day to day. Your normal, everyday, self. When life knocks the crap out of you, in varying degrees, you fall off that midpoint. If you choose to numb, via whatever your tool of choice is, alcohol, television, shopping; or if you tell yourself you’re powerless, you stay down. We can’t live in the low lows or the high highs 100% of the time. Instead, we need hover around the midpoint.

Resiliency gets us there

The healthy way to return to our midpoint is via resiliency. Through practicing joy, collecting it, over time. Cultivating a jar of happy experiences that serve to right our ship when we’re out of sync. When I think back to those early years, that wasn’t my practice. Hence, the numbing. As we grow in life, we learn to choose joy. Think back to the line for a minute. When you fall away from your midpoint due to the inevitable pain that comes with life, the joy we’ve cultivated is like a trampoline. We bounce back faster because we know that even though we’re in pain, we can face it. There will be joy in our lives again. That doesn’t mean we avoid it, but we recognize our emotions and bounce back.

And it takes practice

To truly cultivate joy and build resiliency, we must practice. When difficult times come, and they will, practice identifying your emotions. Recognize them. Validate them. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and practice self-compassion, self-kindness. Remember that joy will return and take a breath. Hard times happen, but we can safely acknowledge and work through them. We can choose not to numb ourselves, to believe we’re powerless. Every single one of you has the power within you to be resilient. To choose the wholehearted way. It’s our journey, friends, and I’m on it with you.

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Lessons learned after a month of self-compassion

Within the so called ‘month of love,’ my wholehearted journey led me down a path I’d heard of, taken classes on, but avoided. Self-compassion, which is a type of self-love. Think of it like a hiking path that you see climbing the side of what appears to be a gentle, sloping hill. Around what feels like halfway up, you glance back to your progress, only to realize you’ve barely left the parking lot. And the hill gets steeper, pebbles and rocks threaten to trip you, sending you tumbling down, bruised in body and pride.

All that and more was the month of focusing on self-compassion. I’ve written about it in prior weeks, but as I near the end of the month, as you would with any project, I’m taking stock the distance traveled on the path. When you tune in and listen to your natural thought patterns about yourself, it can be astonishing. In a million years you would never utter the words to another human which you speak to yourself.

Why is that? Perhaps that no one hears it but us? It’s not an isolated problem. To the degree that you can find coffee cups and pictures with the phrase “talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you love.” With certainly I can assure you Etsy could deliver you the object of your choice with the phrase, if you so desire. The negative chatter in our heads is incessant. I spent time getting curious about it this month and flipping the equation to look at what self-compassion would say. The negative talk? That’s generally perfectionism related and likely tied to comparison.

Ain’t nobody got time for that (or Ain’t nobody got thyme for that – if you’re follow my new kitchen towel – small pleasures friends).

Seriously, comparison is nobody’s friend. Self-compassion is kindness. Compassion and perfectionism tear us down. When we pay attention, we can catch ourselves in the act and switch to self-compassion. I did, all month, mostly consistently, and learned a few things.

Lesson 1

  • Listen to your body – The last few years, ok, more than the last few, but let’s not get distracted, specifically, the last few years, I’ve beat myself up because my body decided to drum up an autoimmune disorder. And sleep apnea – yes, I’m looking sexy in my CPAP each night. I’m now that person. Doctors can tell you only so much. What self-compassion told me is, “of course your tired, that’s part of the condition.” And when I offered self-compassion, my body whispered, “you can trust me.” That’s the element many of us miss. We can trust our own bodies. They know how to heal themselves and when they don’t? They let you know. And they also know when you’re throwing down buckets of negativity, and guess what, they don’t like it, and they get your attention. Self-compassion is being soft with yourself.

Lesson 2

  • Healing takes time – Physically and emotionally. Emotional wounds didn’t get there overnight and they’re not going away that quickly. My podiatrist told me the other day as I lamented about the continual discomfort in my foot… if you’d broken your foot, six weeks later you’d be healed. Soft tissue takes longer. And so do your emotions. Self-compassion is giving yourself space to heal. Knowing that your healing path may not look like someone else’s. Which is probably good because you don’t need to heal from their wounds.

Lesson 3

  • You can trust yourself – Perfectionism constantly looks for the ways you’re failing. A crack in the armor to seep in and crumble you. Self-compassion reminds you that there is no right or wrong way to approach your life. You can trust the path you’re on, and still, they’ll be mistakes. That’s normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes don’t mean you can’t trust yourself. You can. Mistakes mean you’re human.

Lesson 4

  • It’s ok to not have all the answers – Earlier in the month, I would have responded “are you sure?” Having answers for each possible contingency seems logical. Wise even. It allows you to reduce risk. But self-compassion reminds us that it’s ok not to have all the answers. The answers may come in giving yourself time and grace to discover it. It doesn’t make us weak, or less not to have answers. It’s another way we’re human.

Cumulatively, the lessons from self-compassion make me think about Brené Brown’s quote, “Strong back, soft front, wild heart.” She talks about it related to getting close up with people, being civil but speaking truth to BS, and holding hands with strangers. I’d extend these principles to yourself. Your self-compassion allows you to get up close, to speak truth to the lies you’ve told your heart and mind and hold hands with yourself – because we can be a stranger to ourselves.

Consider your own self-compassion journey this month. Perhaps you’ve followed along with mine, and if so, I hope you’ve been reflecting on what you’ve learned. We’ll shift next month, but we’re always on the journey together. Be brave my friends.

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Why should we choose love over fear?

On Valentine’s Day, my co-workers and I walked the halls, handing out Valentine cards and candy to staff (perks of being in HR). At the same time, we held a contest. I carried a thick glass jar filled with Hershey’s Kisses. Whoever guessed the number of kisses (303 to be exact) won them. Maybe halfway through, I balanced the jar on the corner of two cubicle walls to write down a couple guesses. Before I even knew what had happened, the jar tipped and plummeted to the floor, shattering and sending kisses in every direction. The weight was enough to turn the bottom of the jar, which hit first, into sand.

Needless to say, the kisses were in a Ziploc bag the rest of the contest… and while no one guessed the exact amount, a one person was close at 300. Congratulations! You’ve won an insulin swing (yes, this is where my brain goes in midlife).

And then, there was my response. There was a time in the not too distant past, when I would have beat myself up endlessly. My internal dialogue would have included, “stupid, stupid Lisa. You’re clumsy. Can’t be trusted, you always make mistakes.” Sound familiar? It would have continued to surface for days.

While I’m happy that didn’t happen, my immediate response was to rush to clean it up. Small glass shards are weapons, the cuts on my hands attest to that fact. The desire was to make everything right again.

In those moments, my curiosity rises, wondering about the emotions that bubble up. Was self-compassion coming into play? Perfectionism?

What’s the driving motivator?

Truthfully, the answer was a bit of both. As the incident rolled around in my head, the other words that arose were love and fear. Now my curiosity was genuinely peaked. Self-compassion is an expression of love while perfectionism is based on fear. Fear of shame, disappointment, embarrassment… the whole gamut. Both are motivators, one positive, the other not.

What’s interesting is the prevalence of fear as a motivator. In business, in relationships, in religious institutions. Fear is used as the driving force to move people towards a desired goal. At work, people may perform out of a fear of penalty. In relationships? Fear of abandonment or other forms of loss of love. In religious institutions? Believe a certain way to avoid an eternal penalty. We could easily extrapolate endless examples of fear used as a motivator. Think about the examples in your own life.

But when love is in play, such as with self-compassion, it’s another ball game. In relationships, when we approach another with loving intent, including our approach to ourselves, the outcome is expansive. Not limited by fear. At work? People flourish when given space, encouragement and trust. And in religious institutions? I’m not a religious scholar, so in my opinion only, approaching people from the standpoint of the love of Jesus, which was His greatest command, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself,” the outcome is different than fear. The commandment is love. That’s it. Him your neighbor, yourself. Not, go out and terrify people into following me. Love.

Making a choice to love

Making the choice to love over fear, self-compassion over perfectionism, it’s moment by moment. Get curious this week and notice your own thought pattern. Notice when fear is in the driver seat instead of love. When that’s the case, reframe your thoughts from a place of love. It’s practice, friends, reprogramming ourselves. But choosing love is choosing expansiveness versus the limiting nature of fear. Imagine if each of us choose love regularly? It’s our brave journey to a wholehearted life. Let’s make the choice together.

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Using creativity for self-compassion

When I committed to spend this month focusing on self-compassion, I may have bitten off more than I anticipated. The flip side to self-compassion is letting go of perfectionism and it’s possible that’s posing the larger challenge. Possible? More like, probable. I listened to a Tim Ferris interview with Brené Brown on his podcast this morning and perfectionism was, not surprisingly, one of their topics. One comment has left me thinking.

How do you let go of perfectionism and not become complacent?

You’ll have to listen to the podcast to hear their answer, which was honestly a non-answer. More so it was consideration, the lens that you’re gazing through. Looking at how we talk to ourselves about our behavior and activities in different situations. Focusing on being kind and curious instead of critical. It’s not saying, “I’m only doing a mediocre job in life but I’m not going to do anything differently.” That’s complacency.

Perfectionism is armor, it gets in the way of being wholehearted. I talked about it in last week’s blog. It’s less about doing well than avoiding blame and shame. Self-compassion is the antidote.

Ok, so conceptually, I can make the leap. But I have a confession, I’ve been focusing on this for more than a month. More like a couple years. The deep dive this month is with the laser focus of a little kid with a microscope pointed at a bug, but I’ve been noticing. Noticing the pattern of my self-talk. My internal narrative. Once riddled with “you’re an idiot,” shame when I made a mistake, calling myself “clumsy,” or “stupid,” it’s mellowed a bit.

Sheer determination is one reason for it, but I’ve also practiced. Crazy as it might sound, one of the ways I practiced was by taking up watercolor painting. I’ve mastered being inspired by something on Pinterest and then trying to freehand paint it myself. Around the same time I started dabbling with painting, my mom took a watercolor class, learning higher levels of technique. I have zero interest in that.

Here’s why. For one, I am not, nor do I intend to become, a professional painter. I have people in my extended family who are and admire their work. My painting is a creative outlet and allows me to make my own greeting cards. Secondly, a component of watercolor that I enjoy is not knowing how it’s going to turn out. Sure, you know what you’ve painted, but you don’t have the full picture of what it will look like until the paint dries. Painting has forced me to stay in a space of creativity and curiosity. I know and accept it’s not a space where precision is my goal.

Simply speaking kindly to yourself, letting go of the internal narrative of “not good enough” or “you did a crappy job on that,” is a step in the direction of self-compassion. The way I look at it, self-compassion takes an ABUNDANT amount of practice. I mean, a LOT. Taking up a hobby you know you’re ok at but not a master, and being OK with that, it’s practice. Staying in the space of “huh, that’s a bummer,” when you drop a glass tile from your bathroom remodel instead of beating yourself up about it, that’ self-compassion. (Incident purely fabricated…ok…not really, I dropped the tile…still finding glass chards in the garage this morning)

In and of itself, self-compassion isn’t perfection. It’s the opposite. So, the fact that we must practice it, that we don’t always do it well, that part of the deal. But we need to let go of perfection give ourselves a break. Usually we’re the toughest on ourselves, but at the end of the day, that’s a choice. As we continue working on shifting our midlife journey, we can choose otherwise… let’s choose self-compassion.

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The first step towards self-compassion

Wholehearted. The word itself is simple but the meaning, expansive. With wholehearted as my guiding word, I’ve chosen to focus each month in 2020 on one of Brené Brown’s guideposts for wholehearted living. January was the month to Cultivate Authenticity and let go of what other people think. Nothing like starting off with a bang.

Focusing on this guidepost proved interesting. When you capture your thoughts and take a moment to consider where your internal chatter comes from, at least for me, there were loads of other voices. Past authority figures, people I have relationships with, voices influencing my actions.  Up to the last day of the month, I was aware of it. On January 31st, I received a text from someone providing a piece of information. A simple piece of information. Next thing I know, I’ve added in inflection, backstory and motive and am responding to the story I created! The thing is, from an intellectual standpoint, I could see I was doing it. I later talked it through with a trusted friend and we called B.S. on the story I’d created.

Enter Self Compassion

Given letting go of what other people think (or at least the story of what I believe they think) was going to be ongoing as I grow in authenticity, February’s focus arrives just in time.  The second Guidepost for Wholehearted Living is ‘Cultivate Self-Compassion – let go of perfectionism’. Boy howdy, do I have more than a few things to say about that.

On the surface, perfectionism sounds innocent, an ideal, a quality to strive for. That’s a straight up lie. Yes, striving to do our best is a good thing. What’s not a good thing is believing that our worth is tied up in exceeding in all that we do. Brené Brown describes perfection as a “self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame.”

If I think back to the text that threw me off last week, it was not only tied to what someone else thought (or at least the story I created about that), I fell into the perfectionism trap. Had I failed? Done something wrong? I inflected judgement and criticism into the words. The ‘addictive belief system’ of perfectionism does just that. It fueled the belief that I wasn’t good enough, that I’d failed, and the familiar shame spiral showed up like a summer tornado in Kansas.

Which is why self-compassion is so important. First of all, I created that spiral all by myself. The words were pure information, nothing else. I inflected judgement, blame and invited the shame to park in my mind. When I talked to my friend about it, said it out loud, named it, and the feelings began to diffuse. My amygdala calmed down. No longer was my mind flooded and I returned to seeing the words for what they were, information. She spoke kindly to me, acknowledged how I was feeling, and together we spoke about the facts.

Don’t miss this point. The kindness and acknowledgement she spoke to me? That’s what we can, and must, do for ourselves and when we do, it’s self-compassion. Speaking to ourselves the way we’d speak to a friend. And we need it, desperately. In a culture that provides endless opportunities to compare, to strive for perfectionism and avoid blame, shame and judgement, self-compassion is the antidote.

It’s going to happen. You’re going to start down the perfectionism path at some point this week. You may not even name it, but it’s inevitable. Yet, not insurmountable. Catch it. Name it. And talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend. Because you are your closest friend, worth love, worth compassion. Be brave friends, we’re on this journey together.

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How to listen when intuition nudges

I can be a little over the top when it comes to cleaning. Last week was no exception. Staring mindlessly at the carpet, vacuuming, and I notice the filter looks gunky when I emptied it. EW! Easy remedy, I’ll rinse it off in my tub. I take the first step with the filter in hand, and next thing I know, my forehead is hitting the door, breaking my fall. As I lay there, dazed, my immediate attention went to my recently operated on foot. Miraculously, as the ground quickly approached, I managed to instinctively protect it. Small miracles. But my head…I paid for that for a couple days with a headache, and a clean vacuum filter.

You’d think I’d be treading lightly after that, and I thought I was. Sunday night, I was doing at home physical therapy. Using an exercise band around my foot, flexing against it. La-de-da, two, three, four, SNAP! Band off my foot and before I even knew it, smacked it in the face. What lesson was I missing that twice I’d narrowly escaped death?? (ok, maybe not death, but come ON!)

A few days later, facilitating a class at work, resting my leg on a chair while folks got organized for an activity. I go to take a step forward. Yep, say it with me. My toe caught on the chair and down I went, face first, knee then foot, stretching it farther than I had since surgery. I jumped up, shaking it off like a soldier but inside feeling rattled for hours. Again, what the heck??

Life gives us lessons

Isn’t that the way life goes sometimes? In my case, I was earnestly trying to be ultra-careful and baby my foot while it recovered. Yet my stumbles were not little. I was reminded of something my great grandmother used to say. I was fortunate to have her until my late teens and she’d visit a couple times a year. She was well known for remarking, “If you don’t listen, you’re going to have to feel.” Reminiscent of the times she grew up in. The last week had given me my fair share of “feel.”

But what was the “listening” I was missing?

Setting aside my week of painful reminders that I’m still in recovery and need to slow down, what do we do when those repeated nudges keep coming up in our lives? Think about it, you’re in a season of asking God, the Divine, what exactly the discontent that rumbles around in you means. You’ve put it out there, asking for guidance. Maybe you find an interesting opportunity reading a magazine you’ve never picked up before. Or you meet someone who happens to be going down the same path you want to walk. You have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in ages, and the conversation opens new doors.

Why listen to our nudges?

What do we do with those nudges? All too often, we give a cursory, “oh, that’s interesting,” and mosey on with our life. Um, hello God, the Divine, why aren’t you giving me the down low on what to do? Chances are, it already happened, but you were too busy and missed the sign.

So now you get to feel. Growing discontent. Stress. Your body telling you to wake up and pay attention. Ok, fine. I’m sitting down. Done feeling.

Every single one of us can choose to listen. Open up to the nudges we’re looking for coming from the most unexpected places. We have a choice. When a thought pops into your head and you think, “I’m not smart enough to have dreamed that up,” yeah, that’s a nudge. Trust it. The Divine ‘speaks’ to you in unconventional ways, so long as you’re paying attention. Your authentic self knows the way, because that wisdom, the nudges, they’ve been inside you percolating for years. Trust you. It’s our journey, friends, and I’m on it with you. Be brave.