Tag: wholehearted living

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Remembering this is the only present we’ll ever have

Barely into Arizona, my mind was already cataloging the endless tasks needing completion once I arrived in Florida. I’d sold most of my furniture, so number one, buy furniture. Or maybe number one was the grocery store…or maybe order coffee. Yes. Order coffee was number one. But what about the unpacking, and the organization, or the closets. Definitely closets, a re-do was in order. Wait…join the gym, I needed to swim if I had any chance at remaining sane through the process. As I rattled off the endless list, my co-pilot, gal-pal, wise sage looked at me and simply said, “this is the only present time we’ll ever have.”

I stopped making my lists.

Work your plan

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

With your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver, The Summer Day

I come by my urge to plan honestly. From a young age, planning helped mitigate risk. Understanding what was ahead aided my young mind to anticipate, understand, so that the impact would be lower, and I would be prepared. Suffice it to say those lessons stuck with me. I’m continually twelve steps ahead, my mind operating like a flowchart. Contingencies mapped; possible outcomes predicted.

Suffice it to say, go with the flow and I are not besties.

Planning isn’t the worst thing. You arrive prepared, with a plan of action, knowing the steps ahead to achieve your objective. Planning is necessary in many facets of our life, without it, we’d stumble our way through what could otherwise be a simple task.

And yet, cognitively I know all that planning removes me from being in the moment. When we’re consumed with planning ahead, focusing on the future, how can we possibly be in the now. As the landscape rose before me in the hills of Arizona, I was reminded to focus on what was directly before me. The present.

Looking backwards

With the invention of cell phone cameras in 2002, we gained the ability to capture the moment and review it seconds later. Though I wasn’t an early adopter, the cell phone camera was quickly in my possession and I joined the millions of people viewing the world through the small screen in front of me. But at what cost? Rather than participating in family activities, we photographed them and looked back at the memory that, ironically, we’d missed the first time around.

As the Arizona landscape grew increasingly beautiful, my co-pilot captured the scenery on my phone (because I am a compliant, non-cell phone using driver thank you very much). Several times I glanced in the rear-view mirror at the scenery and she may or may not have reached out the sunroof to capture the panorama.

How many of us have looked back at a situation only to rehash it and deliberate the endless ways we could have executed more effectively? What would have done differently? Where the situation has left us today? While the exercise may be helpful, considering the learning, it doesn’t change the outcome and keeps us in the past. A place we cannot change.

Hey…remember me? The present?

With good reason vacations are relaxing. We’re removed from our day to day lives and can accomplish exactly zero things on our list at home. The mental load of all the things needing to be done is cast aside for those days we’re out of our normal environment. We’re able to remain in the moment.

That moment, this moment, is our present. This one. Right now. And the truth is, while we can plan for it, look backwards and rehash it, or examine it from every angle, it is right now. Why don’t we, or better yet, why don’t I, remain in it? Even now as I write, focused on the words in front of me, my mind is whirling ahead to the list of tasks I hope to accomplish today. Carefully estimating the duration to make the most of every single second.

What does it take to stop?

It’s cliché to say that the present is a present…but it’s true. The gift is being in the now. With people directly in front of you, or the experience of the moment. Is there a place for future planning or past reflection? Of course there is. But that place should not consume the moment you’re in. It has a place.

In this moment, who and what is the priority? Hint…it’s not your to-do list for Monday morning.

I’ll make you a deal, I’ll focus on today if you do it with me. Taking in the moments, breathing in the experience and truly living now. You in? It’s our journey friends, one step, one moment, at a time. Be Brave. Lisa

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Love – it really IS simple

Valentine’s Day has long since passed and yet, I’m thinking about LOVE. Not the romantic, sappy, blah, blah, blah, nope. Rather, the deep-rooted belief that our number one job is to love each other. Sadly, all the things get in the way of living it out. Rolling around in my head is the idea that we, as human people, instead of keeping it simple, complicated matters a zillion years ago. In our infinite wisdom which, let’s be honest…we’re talking prehistorical man…the idea formed that life couldn’t all be love, puppies and kittens. No, we landed on punishment instead. Bad things happened and someone had to be punished. But what if we had skipped punishment and instead remembered love really is simple?

Bad things DO happen

Let’s be real, bad things happen. We’re not being chased by a pterodactyl, but it might feel that way. As we live life, bad things happen. Maybe as the result of something we’ve done, and maybe not. I’m on the fence these days about the idea that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ I’m not convinced it does. Sometimes, stuff just happens.

Throughout evolution, we associated the ‘something bad’ with punishment, eventually landing on the idea that we are in charge of the consequence. People became the arbiters of behavior, doling out the penalty for the bad, rewarding the good. Along the way, we lost sight of love. Outside of marital or familial love, we were interested in holding people accountable more than loving them.

People showed us how

The Easter season has me thinking about Jesus and the model he gave the world of love. In the narrative of his sermons and teachings, we learn that a piece of the greatest commandment is to love each other. It wasn’t hold each other accountable or punish others, it really was the simplicity of love each other. All others. Jesus, well he was hanging out with the alleged prostitutes and tax collectors. Hanging with the women when tradition was otherwise.

While the examples of people who punish abound in history, if we turn the pages, we can find those who’ve love others well. Fred Rogers shared the words of his mother which was to ‘look for the helpers,’ in tragedy. The people who don’t command attention but instead come alongside those who struggle and help. In seen and unseen ways, help. And help is love.

K.I.S.S.

Though I was forbidden to say ‘stupid’ as a child, the acronym K.I.S.S – keep is simple stupid – comes in handy. Love really IS simple. If we could stop complicating it and put aside our judgement of each other, stop the need to evaluate every.single.thing that happens and instead look for opportunities to love on other people…well, I wonder how I lives would change.

The simplicity of that may seem, well, stupid, but what if? Love others irrespective of their ethnicity, who they love, where they’re from, how their worship. I’m not suggesting a Pollyanna perspective because, yes, bad…terribly bad…events have happened and we must right the wrongs, but what would look different if love was at the core?

What would it look like for you to adopt love at your core? Towards you and other people? Acting from love rather than judgement? I don’t have the answer, but I know that we won’t know until we try. K.I.S.S. and love each other like it’s our job. Zero percent of the time will we regret it. Love…it really is simple. Love to you my friends. Be brave. Lisa

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No really – I want to be in the moment

Me: Siting down to write, my monitor and any available real estate on my desk is littered with post-it notes. Specific, random, undecipherable…all pointing me to activities beckoning me that I’m inclined to forget. Also me: Focusing on being ‘in the moment,’ while swimming this morning, mindful. But in real life, playing through the entirety of the next month in my head (which was not entirely unproductive, I realized I forgot my wallet at home…hassle). But what I really want is to be in the moment

Goal 1- Mindfulness

For the loving life of me, for all the books, all the classes, all the meditations…mindfulness – truly staying in the moment – is akin to balancing on a tightrope. Wobbling every which way but ultimately, back on the ground again. Defined, mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present. It’s where you observe your own thoughts and feelings without defining them as good or bad. And truthfully, being mindful should be less work than the endless tasks in my head, but…I struggle.

Because life. And because I am a woman. I do not say this from a victim, or feminist perspective, but it is a fact that women carry a greater mental load than men. Why? Let’s consider an ordinary day. Women get up, in my case – work out, return home, empty the dishwasher, make coffee, get ready for work – endeavor at our 8-5 throughout the day, come home aka, walk into the other room, make dinner, clean up, straighten, mentally place items on a grocery list, unconsciously scan the room looking for what needs to be picked up, pick up, consider what’s coming on the horizon to prepare for, make a note, maybe read a little, watch some TV, get ready and go to bed so that I can work in my sleep.

What do men do? There are parallels, but the list generally ends at come home.

I do not exaggerate. Do you see why staying in the moment eludes me?

Goal 2- Reduce my mental load

In their riveting book Burnout – Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski talk about the different pressures on women. Unwritten rules add to our load disproportionately. We, by nature or through learning, manage the mental load of keeping up a home. While we may share functions with a partner, chances are we are the ones carrying the mental load. I know it’s part of my wiring. Flat out.

Moms have eyes in the back of their heads. Not a children’s story. And on both sides of our heads because we’re always scanning. Noticing. I’ve received more than one comment that I’m nitpicking by noticing the fuzz scattered around the floor, remnants of guts from inside our pup’s toys. Which, apparently, are purely for the purpose of being torn apart.

The post-it notes are an attempt to get the things out of my head.

Goal 3- F’real, Mindfulness

Ok but really, I genuinely desire to increase time spent in the moment and reduce the mental load. Being in the moment is more than physicality. Its not mentally wandering off, 10 steps ahead in our minds. Its slowing down and knowing that the moment will not repeat itself, breathing into the space. Noticing what surrounds us. Resisting creation of yet another post-it.

Remaining in that space creates clarity and focus. It’s not a ‘waste of time.’

Which means I can’t narrate life as I go either. Literally, I consider what I’d write about each situation. How to work it into a story, or on to these pages. A practice to reimagine and not allow to overshadow the moment surrounding me.

End of goals

I would be remiss not to return to my post-it notes, my helpers, my friends. Though they remain a visual reminder of tasks to be accomplished. They’re also a means by which I remove the thoughts from my mental space. Creating room to be in the moment. Absurd as it may sound, it works. Clearly not as well as I’d hoped, but baby steps…baby steps.

My question for you is: Are you living in the moment? If you are, I have two follow up questions. What is your secret? And…Are you lying? Because who does that consistently?!? If you find yourself like me, well, let’s say we’re in good company because I believe it’s a safe guess that 75% or more of us are striving towards being in the moment. Embracing our present over sculpting our future.

Today, for one day, one hour, one minute, what would be different if you remained in the moment? Mindful of yourself and your surroundings? Are you willing to give it a go? I think we both should. Our brave, authentic, wholehearted, daring life is before us, if only we stop long enough to notice it. It’s our journey friends. I’m on the path with you. Lisa

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Expectations have caused my own disappointment

Over the past couple months, I’ve found myself shifting from a simmering anger inside me to a feeling a disappointment. Disenchantment. Because what should be a cornerstone of American democracy played out like the book burnings scattered through history. People from all corners throwing fuel on the fire. Destroying the good in the process. The rhetoric before, during and after the election by the political party who, by the way, once fought against slavery, was ugly. Was the other side ugly at times? Sure. But the talk from the right was venomous. Now before you check out…had enough politics…my point is not to talk politics but more the vitriolic nature of speech that has become commonplace and ‘normal.’ What I’ve realized is that my expectations that it would be otherwise have caused my own disappointment.

The loss of civility

Over the last decade, we’ve watched the slow decline of civility in the United States. While it’s perfectly normal to have people you disagree with, it’s something altogether different to experience the degree of hatred that has become commonplace. We’ve lost a sense of civility. I think it’s reasonable to expect people to have civil conversations about different opinions and either one side will persuade the other or they will agree to disagree.

Which should be reasonable…unless the subject of the disagreement is a person’s rights as a human being. Or disdain towards people based on the color of their skin or who they love. As someone who is not a fan of conflict, I used to shy away from defending my perspective on those matters in deference to silence. But no longer. I will fight for those people all day long…in my own way. At the same time, I have an expectation people on the other side of conversation will speak civilly, as do I. But in certain circles, I would find myself disappointed.

Use your words

Yet, I remain hopeful. I expect that people will use their words, as we tell our children, and explain their dissention with my perspective. What we’re seeing played out on the evening news, and, unfortunately, on social media, is quite the opposite. Demeaning, degrading, untruthful speech is the norm. And from where I sit, that’s bullying. It’s using words intended to undermine the credibility and ‘humanness’ of the other person.

I’d also call it fear. Whenever we see a person bullying or demeaning another, an underlying fear is often not far behind. Maybe a fear of not being important. A fear of being irrelevant. A fear of losing power. Fear drives us to extremes we wouldn’t have considered during ‘rational’ times. Fear drives us to anger – as does hurt – and when we’re in that frame of mind, we act out, not with. Other people fade in deference to satisfying our ego’s needs.

Using our disappointment to spur action

I don’t have young children, but if I did, the current culture in our country would terrify me. It terrifies me and my kids are adults. I’m disappointed in us. In the collective us that I expect, that I know, can do better. Are there fractions of people doing better? Of course there are. But they’re not the ones getting attention.

Changing the negative narrative doesn’t happen overnight. We can expect that it’ll change quickly, and we’ll find ourselves disappointed. But we’re not powerless. What we can do is use our voice. Be daring and bold and brave. We can use our voice to spread truth, hope, joy, fairness, justice. It’s so easy to feel defeated when we’re greeted with the news, but we can shift our own narrative and hold those in our lives to the same standards. We have that strength and power. I know there are millions of people who feel the same. I have hope that we’re shifting away from the caustic climate that has hovered over our country towards one that is united. That’s all we can have, hope, and the action that we choose to take. It’s a daring path, but one we must walk. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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We CAN let go of cool and always in control

Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Living Guideposts lay out markers along a path leading to the cultivation of being your authentic, wholehearted self. But what does wholehearted signify? I believe it’s different for each of us and throughout the year, focusing on a different guidepost each month, I’ve arrived at my own definition. Wholehearted living is coming back to who you are at your core, independent of other people’s opinions, judgements, or expectations. And wholehearted is most decidedly not cool and always in control.

What other people think is in our way

Why do we care about what other people think? Where to start? Belonging comes to mind, acceptance, feeling that we ‘fit in.’ We have an innate desire to be seen and known by others. Unfortunately, that can lead to twisting ourselves up like a pretzel in an effort to be one of ‘the club.’ We remain in control of ourselves partly to ensure our acceptance in this elusive club, because, we surmise, if people knew who we ‘actually’ were at our core, they would kick us to the curb, alone.

And nobody wants to feel they’re alone.

But, as Brené Brown writes in Braving the Wilderness, do we truly belong when we’re shape shifting to remain there (paraphrased)? If the space where we desire to belong requires that we stay buttoned up to meet other people’s expectations, or to stay in their good graces, are they really our people? If we’re spending our time working to ‘fit in,’ chances are, they’re not. In which case, our own growth as a wholehearted person is being stunted.

We desire security

One of the reasons we strive to be in control is other people and staying in ‘the club’. But within that space, we often find those crazy, unstructured people who enjoy accusing us of being ‘control freaks.’ If they understood our ‘why’ they may show a bit more compassion. And I say this as one who has been accused on more than one occasion of being a bit controlling. Truth is, I don’t care about controlling other people. Really.

What I care about is controlling what’s happening around me. Being in the club provides security, but so does being able to predict what’s going on around me. So, do I like an organized, structured life? I do. Unequivocally. Security is one of the basic needs Maslow describes and when life around me becomes chaotic, my own sense of security declines. It might seem as though those of us who desire security in our surroundings are control freaks and if that’s the case, I am not sorry.

Wholehearted is not control

If we could architect our way to wholehearted living, it wouldn’t be a journey. But it is. And despite the lingering relapses into control I, for one, have chosen the journey. Which requires letting go of always being in control. Dammit.

I was recently reminded of what it feels like to not be cool and in control while visiting my 16-week-old niece. Do you know who is in control in her house? She is. Structure around her schedule and what she needs. I willingly submit. And what I noticed is that when I was with her, I had zero desire to be in control, or to be cool. She does not care if I’m cool. So funny faces, giggling with her, letting her kick and splash in the tub while I get wet…I’m in, 100%. With a surprising side effect…laughter, song, and dance. A feeling of being free. Understandably, if you’re the parent, it’s different, but as the Aunt? Fantastic.

So perhaps feeling wholehearted is reminding myself of that feeling. Replicating it once I’m back to my day to day. If each of us determined that we are no longer going to remain calm and in control, instead opting for wholehearted, it’s possible the nature of the club would change. And if not, maybe they’re not our club. The people with whom we don’t feel we need to remain calm and in control, now that’s our club, and it does feel like the wilderness at times. Are you up for braving the wilderness to have more laughter, song and dance in your life? I am. Be brave, friends. We’re in the same club. Lisa

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Why it’s hard to let go of calm, cool and in control

Have you ever been ‘spaz’ shamed? Let me break it down for you. You…normally calm, cool and in control happens to let loose and get downright silly. An occurrence that happens rarely, and I mean rarely. And as you’re just about to get to your finest groove, your spouse (or child, or parent, or friend) says, “Geez, calm down already.” Talk about shutting.it.down. It might as well be a pin to a balloon. And then they wonder why you are most always calm, cool and in control.

I am that person. The calm one. In control all the time. Because if you’re not in control, absolute mayhem could break out at any moment. Literally, it could happen. So, when someone wired like me lets loose and dances in the kitchen, or breaks out laughing hysterically and is told to calm down? It stings like a jellyfish. And if you’ve never been stung by a jellyfish, yay you. It is MOST unpleasant. Needless to say, once stung, it’ll be a good long time before I muster up the nerve to let loose again.

Laughter is the best medicine

As the serious one in the room, days can pass without any laughter escaping my lips. And while I’d like to change that, it’s the straight up truth. It’s an actual medical fact that laughter is good medicine. The Mayo Clinic and 66,200,000 Google results will tell you so. Laughing stimulates your organs, your lungs, it activates positive hormones in your body and reduces stress.

I know this, and in fact believe myself to be a doctor some days. Yet, I persist in my serious outer demeanor. Calm, cool and in control. But lying below the surface is a silly girl who genuinely wants to play.

Danger Will Robinson

I do, I want to play. But once you’ve been serious for so long, it’s not a matter of flipping a switch. I lived through a period in my life that was incredibly hard. So much so that I became hypervigilant to the possibility that a negative downturn could happen at any moment. In this situation, my fight or flight hormones were continuously activated. Which served as a protective mechanism at the time. But now? I don’t need to be on alert anymore, but my brain hasn’t gotten the message yet. This is the case with a person who undergoes long term stress, or trauma.

The good news, according to neuroscience and this article, is that our brains are ‘plastic,’ meaning that they’re adaptable. They can be altered to respond differently. 2020 hasn’t exactly helped any of us who are vigilant. Carefully guarding ourselves in our homes, our limbic systems are in overdrive because of a potentially deadly virus. But we can make choices to change our thinking. I can make choices to rewire my thinking.

Wholehearted Living Guidepost #10

Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance

Letting go of cool and always in control

Letting go of always in control

And while I’m serious with good reason, I know that I can let go of the reigns – if only a tad. This year of Wholehearted Living calls for it. My experiences reinforced a proclivity to being serious and any of us who are wired similarly can make a choice to rewire our main circuit board. Letting go of cool, calm and in control? It’s one thousand percent worth it. Being the grown up all the time is exhausting. So, when your normally serious friend, aka, me, starts laughing over nothing in particular? Don’t shame her. Or when you walk into the kitchen and find your reserved mother dancing? Don’t shame her. Ever.

Don’t shame her for being serious, and certainly don’t shame her for letting loose. Because only you have lived in your body. Lived your life. Been at the other end of whatever it is that you’ve experienced. Only you. And sister…if you want to cut a rug in the middle of the CVS…I say, ‘go for it.’ If I see you, I’ll stand 6 feet away with my mask on and join in. It feels brave to let ourselves go because it is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m with you my loves. Be Brave. Lisa

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Why October is my favorite

While I do not suppose to speak for all Enneagram 9’s, this Nine has few favorites. I noticed it a few years ago as lists floated around Facebook, encouraging you and your followers to list favorite candy, or color, car or cartoon. I avoided those lists because I felt slightly inept at not being able to answer all the questions. No, I have no favorite food, I like Mexican food, but stop short of calling it a favorite. Because, subconsciously, I think I knew that if you pick a favorite, it could cause controversy. No thank you says my Nine self. BUT, I love October, and yes, it is my favorite.

Why so serious?

It’s possible it landed in my top spot because it’s the month of my birth, true. And I’ve also noticed in the three days that have passed since the 1st that I feel a little bit spunky, maybe even a little bit Alexis (knowingly shaking my shoulders to my fellow Schitt’s Creek fans). Fitting because the Wholehearted Living Guidepost I’m focusing on this month is:

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance.

And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

If there was something more opposite than me, this guidepost would be it. Ten thousand percent not joking.  I’ve been told I’m too serious, but I come by it honestly. Responsibility at a young age will do that to you. By the age of four I knew my way around the inside of a hospital and was asking to take over the care of babies. True story. I was in the hospital for months but not in a contagious way so I could play with and hold babies. By fifth grade, I tried to take over cleaning my brother’s room because it was full of filth and pestilence. He didn’t even try to stop me. Who was smarter? On second thought…

It’s ok to play

But that feeling of spunky and feisty has started poking at me. Chipping away at the edges of the responsible outer shell. In the middle of work the other day, not 100% out of place, but out of character, I broke into a Benedictine Monk hymn singing voice to accentuate a point…on a call with about ten other people. Momentarily taken over by silly and not sure where it even came from. And I lived.

In Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us Podcast, she spoke about play being unstructured time spent with no purpose and described what is play for her family. That’s incredibly difficult as I feel like play doesn’t come naturally. But, it did make me think about what is play for me. The ‘time spent with no purpose’ kept tripping me up. And maybe that’s mindset. When I think about writing, for example, I love to sit down and put the wandering of my mind onto the paper…but I’ve made it include a purpose, which is to put out this blog. Or when I ride my bike, it’s not only for fitness, but also for the joy of being outside, which brings me energy and closer to God. So that ‘purpose’ continues to get attached. Is it possible I think too much?

Back to October

Perhaps this, my favorite month, even in what has been a nutsville year, is an invitation to explore a different side of Wholehearted Living. Release the white knuckled grip on responsibility aka control and spend time with no purpose. October is the tipping point month between the sweltering heat of summer and the chill in the air. It’s the transition of leaves turning and falling, making room for new growth after a long hibernation. A time when you can wear sweaters, but don’t always have to…and can almost enjoy a hot cup of tea without it triggering a hot flash. Almost being the operative word.

October is a reminder that I was a little girl once, and that little girl remains inside of me. She would celebrate all month with streamers and cupcakes and play, not worrying about responsibility, but instead instigating laughter. And so, the noise that is the world around us can fade this month (I know I’m not alone in desiring that dream to be a reality). Even if this is not the month of your birth, how can you give yourself permission to spend time without purpose? It’s not as lofty of a goal as it sounds. I come back to the idea that it’s mindset…it’s one thing at a time…it’s intentionality…and it’s possible for you and possible for me. Go play, my friends. Be Brave. Lisa

 

 

 

 

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How do you define meaningful work?

Spoiler alert…if you’re looking for me to define what meaningful work is for you this is the wrong post to spend your Sunday morning reading. Because it not my, nor anyone else’s, job to define meaningful work for you. That is your job and yours alone. Now that we have that out of the way…

Defining meaningful work

Wholehearted guidepost 9 – Let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt and embrace meaningful work. That’s my anchor for the month and honestly, one that cuts a little too close to the quick. Each guidepost has done that, in its own way. Life has taught me a few things about meaningful work that I shall now impart to you.

  1. No one else can define meaningful work for you
  2. There is no dictionary definition for meaningful work
  3. What meaningful work is will likely change and morph for you over time

The beauty of meaningful work is that it is defined by you and you alone and you get to change your mind whenever you want.

That time I changed my mind

I’ve mentioned once or 1,015 times, that I have been in the same profession since shortly after college. Not what I studied in college, mind you, but when the reality of having a liberal arts degree but no discernable skills arrived, I landed in human resources. Where else could I chat with people all day and that was my job? Seriously, it seemed like a sweet deal back in those days. I planned parties, raised money for charities, worked in ridiculously amazing places and generally had fun.

Until I didn’t. Because, like any career, the farther you progress, the more complex it tends to be. Human Resources no exception. But by that point, you’ve got skills. So, you keep going. You know the drill. And honestly, in my field, there’s an immense amount to learn and it’s always changing. There’s a challenge to it. Around four years ago though, I started hearing a small voice in my mind, hinting that there might be something else.

I remember telling my former husband  hat I wanted to pursue that something else. About which he questioned me, saying that ‘[I’d] been so excited when [I] got my job.’ Yeah. That was true. But I changed my mind.

Wanting meaning in my work

While the work I was engaged in was certainly important, no longer did it hold my passion. I felt a stirring to make an impact in the lives of others in a different way. I still feel that call today. The voice is louder, and the reality is getting closer. Because it’s possible that you can be doing work that matters, but which is no longer meaningful to you. Perhaps it was less that I changed my mind and more that my ‘very best work,’ was calling me to something else.

As I write, the nation is mourning the loss of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I was drawn to one of her quotes, “I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.” And I thought about her body of work. The battles she fought for the rights of others. For women, for minorities, for the LGBTQ community, people with disabilities, for me. I am represented in the people she represented and do not want to squander the rights and privileges afforded me. I must exercise my talents because people like RBG have fought for me.

In meaningful work, you must ignore ‘supposed to’

If we are to truly find our meaningful work, we’re compelled to create it for ourselves. We can’t look to others. Sure thing they’ll tell you what you’re ‘supposed to’ do. They’ll line up for that. But it’s you, lying your head on the pillow each night, knowing that you’ve created work that means something to you. That you’ve used your talent to the best of your ability, by your own definitions. Not because you were ‘supposed to,’ but because you were called to.

The answer to my initial question, ‘How do you define meaningful work?” is in your hands. Molded like a soft piece of clay until it speaks for you. Perhaps later you’ll throw it back down and start all over again…bravo! You’re allowed. As we morph and grow, so do our own definitions of what brings us meaning. Let that happen for you. You are the author of your own life. Be Brave with it. Lisa

And as a bonus, if you want to start your own Wholehearted Living journey, you can take Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Inventory. Learn more about it in the 10th anniversary edition of The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s the book that said, “I see you,” in this journey of midlife.

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Letting go of self-doubt, why isn’t it easier?

Launching into a year of Wholehearted Living, I hadn’t given full thought to the introspection which would result. Based on the Guideposts for Wholehearted Living which I ran across a few years ago in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, they’ve given me a different lens on this dumpster fire of a year called 2020. Because, accountability. Each month a new guidepost, no time to get stale or complacent about it because 28-31 days is not much time to examine an entirely new aspect of myself.

Self-Doubt v. Confidence

September’s target is Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting go of Self-Doubt and Supposed to. Last week I broadly considered the elements of this Guidepost, but I’ve stumbled over the past few days. Stuck on self-doubt. Do I have confidence? Yes, in what I know, is proven, is backed up, has a contingency plan, and which I’ve done 10,198 times. But in this crap shoot called middle age and the momentum to pivot that has arrived with it? Nope.

Because when I look at where the pivot points me, it’s new. Have I done 80% of it? Yes. But that 20%, I’m learning. And what’s in front of me, it’s about meaningful work – thus timely. However, I’ve spent 50+ years anchored in proven and sticking with a course that other people thought suited me. Has it been terrible? Absolutely not. I hope that none of us have arrived at this point with a cloud of regret over how you’ve spent your life thus far. Does it continue to suit me though? It does not.

Trying something new…aka stepping into the unknown

Deciding to pivot most definitely brings self-doubt, it’s a step into 20% unknown. Why don’t we play Russian Roulette instead, same odds as I see it. Ok, maybe that’s a tad bit of an exaggeration. I see the self-doubt like a neon sign, ‘warning, warning…uncertainty ahead.’ And rather than ignore that sign, I’ve found myself skirting around the edges. Reminds me of winter swimming. I’m there, bright and early, but sit poolside, outside, with my foot in the water. Contemplating, procrastinating before I take the plunge. When I finally get it, it’s literally fantastic. No one believes me mid-February, but it truly is.

Why is self-doubt so prevalent when it comes to the pursuit of meaningful work? Taking the plunge so difficult? What flashes into my mind? Self-worth. A tremendous amount of our identity and self-worth is derived from the work we do. Or is that only me? Maybe, but it’s where we spend a good chunk of our waking hours. The step into the semi-unknown puts that at risk.  And at the same time…Brené’s voice pops into my head, “I’m not screwing around, these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – [have] to go.” And there it is. The truth behind my self-doubt.

Pushing past vulnerability

Letting go of self-doubt? It’s vulnerability. And vulnerability is hard. Every time. Because it’s uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Cultivating meaningful work rather than remaining mired in self-doubt? Vulnerability. That’s why it’s so hard. It’s easier to remain with the work that is meaningful but isn’t fulfilling the dream anymore. At one time it was. But we’re allowed to change. Me, you, we are not required to remain the same today as yesterday.

Self-doubt is my armor. It holds me back from the next step in pursuit of meaningful work. But it doesn’t have to. 100% certainty will never quite arrive, so it’s perfectly normal to have twinge of concern and self-doubt when stepping into the unknown. If I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to stop waiting for the self-doubt to disappear. Do it anyways. Because if I arrive at the end of all this with an unlived dream, I.will.be.pissed. I believe in this dream too much to ignore it. And I’m confident you feel similarly about a dream of your own. It’s our time, my loves. We’re on the journey together. Be Brave. Lisa

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It’s time to let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt

It's time to let go of 'supposed to' and self doubt

Quick, think back to your intention for the year, or your New Year’s resolution. Pause. Reflect on it.

How’s that working out for you? Probably, just about like it’s going for me. What in the actual hell.

Inspired by Brené Brown’s work, because, she’s my patron saint these days, I embarked on 2020 with an intention rather than a resolution. To spend 2020 working on living a wholehearted life. No biggie. Wholehearted life. A full, rich, lived experience. How to do that while sheltering in place and social distancing is a bit of a quandary, but it’s provided me inordinate amounts of time to think. It’s month nine and I’ve landed in the second to last mantra, or guidepost as Brené refers to them: Cultivating meaningful work: Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to.”

Prepare yourselves, I have plenty to say and only four short weeks to let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt.

Starting with…’supposed to’

I’m nearly 53 and I’ve spent around 99.9992% of my life listening to what I was supposed to do. Perhaps girls born and raised today have a different experience, I certainly hope so for my nieces’ sake and will do all in my Auntie power to support it, BUT, I’m of a generation of women, akin to many before me, who think about what we’re ‘supposed to do,’ as a default. While my purpose today is focused on ‘supposed to’ as it relates to meaningful work, easily, I could fill reams with the messages women receive. Be thin, smile, stay positive, serve a man, stay home with your kids, get to work, have children, don’t question authority…on and on and on.

Sticking with supposed to as it relates to meaningful work, I wonder how many of us entered a career job directly out of high school or college because we were ‘supposed to’? Gap year? Um, what even would that have been. Loafing, that’s what it would have been. Now? Perfectly reasonable alternative to straight through college. Entering a career that was meaningful? Yeah, meaningful because it gave me a paycheck. The model laid out before me was to start in a career and follow through. Not a bad model, but perhaps not the one for me. Nonetheless, entered a field and progressed, just as I was supposed to. After all, I’m a ‘good girl’.

Self-doubt = Midlife

I stopped covering my gray hair around age 48 and adapted the attitude, ‘gray hair…don’t care.’ That is the essence of midlife. I.don’t.care. Meaning, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what I’m supposed to be doing. In reality, there are topics I care about inordinately more than the color of my hair or what people think I’m ‘supposed to’ do.

And if it were only that simple, I would not have a blog. A great big nothingness would fill my pages.

In midlife, a stronger sense of self-doubt enters the picture. Centered around doubting what we’re doing with our life. Are we actually engaged in work, activities, relationships that are more than ‘supposed to’? That career we entered because it’s ‘what you do,’ is it what you want to do? Quite possibly, we’ve been consumed with somebody else’s vision of how we should be living our lives.

Midlife is where we wake up to that. I can only speak for myself, but, and it’s a strong but, I have shared with many women around this phase, and the commonality is a sense of ‘what am I doing with my life’ and, ‘is this really how I want to ride it out’? It’s a time to question, to wonder, to consider, to dream – or our best approximation of dreaming. I occasionally wonder if I’ve forgotten how…it’s been eon’s since I’ve let my mind wander. I’ve been busy adulting, doing what I’m supposed to. When I allow myself, I see that self-doubt permeates because I’ve been on a chosen path so long. Not one I selected either, I defaulted to it. Similar to dozens of hundreds of other women, it’s the one that was laid out before me and I didn’t ask questions.

And I have questions now

If this Wholehearted Living guidepost is about cultivating meaningful work, I’ll start with that question. Is my work meaningful? To whom? The work I do may be meaningful to those I serve throughout the day, but is it meaningful to me? Yes, I said it. To me. It’s not selfish – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – to desire your work to be meaningful to you. Does your work help or benefit someone else? Maybe. I suppose in some ways our work exists because a service is needed, people naturally benefit from that.

But is it meaningful to you? Does the work you’re engaged in bring you joy? Are you passionate about it? Or, are you going through the motions, continuing in a field that you’ve done forever and as a result have become ‘good’ at it, so you don’t rock the boat. What would meaningful work consist of? That’s the question, isn’t it? Freeing ourselves from ‘supposed to,’ and pushing through our self-doubt to arrive at a place of wonder and curiosity. Ask yourself, what does meaningful work look like for me? Not your kids, parents, friends, spouse, co-workers, the guy next door…what does it look like for you?

I guarantee you we’re going to continue looking at meaningful work. This is our one and only wholehearted life, and we’re on the journey together. Be brave. Lisa