Tag: women supporting women

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How do you define meaningful work?

Spoiler alert…if you’re looking for me to define what meaningful work is for you this is the wrong post to spend your Sunday morning reading. Because it not my, nor anyone else’s, job to define meaningful work for you. That is your job and yours alone. Now that we have that out of the way…

Defining meaningful work

Wholehearted guidepost 9 – Let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt and embrace meaningful work. That’s my anchor for the month and honestly, one that cuts a little too close to the quick. Each guidepost has done that, in its own way. Life has taught me a few things about meaningful work that I shall now impart to you.

  1. No one else can define meaningful work for you
  2. There is no dictionary definition for meaningful work
  3. What meaningful work is will likely change and morph for you over time

The beauty of meaningful work is that it is defined by you and you alone and you get to change your mind whenever you want.

That time I changed my mind

I’ve mentioned once or 1,015 times, that I have been in the same profession since shortly after college. Not what I studied in college, mind you, but when the reality of having a liberal arts degree but no discernable skills arrived, I landed in human resources. Where else could I chat with people all day and that was my job? Seriously, it seemed like a sweet deal back in those days. I planned parties, raised money for charities, worked in ridiculously amazing places and generally had fun.

Until I didn’t. Because, like any career, the farther you progress, the more complex it tends to be. Human Resources no exception. But by that point, you’ve got skills. So, you keep going. You know the drill. And honestly, in my field, there’s an immense amount to learn and it’s always changing. There’s a challenge to it. Around four years ago though, I started hearing a small voice in my mind, hinting that there might be something else.

I remember telling my former husband  hat I wanted to pursue that something else. About which he questioned me, saying that ‘[I’d] been so excited when [I] got my job.’ Yeah. That was true. But I changed my mind.

Wanting meaning in my work

While the work I was engaged in was certainly important, no longer did it hold my passion. I felt a stirring to make an impact in the lives of others in a different way. I still feel that call today. The voice is louder, and the reality is getting closer. Because it’s possible that you can be doing work that matters, but which is no longer meaningful to you. Perhaps it was less that I changed my mind and more that my ‘very best work,’ was calling me to something else.

As I write, the nation is mourning the loss of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I was drawn to one of her quotes, “I would like to be remembered as someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability.” And I thought about her body of work. The battles she fought for the rights of others. For women, for minorities, for the LGBTQ community, people with disabilities, for me. I am represented in the people she represented and do not want to squander the rights and privileges afforded me. I must exercise my talents because people like RBG have fought for me.

In meaningful work, you must ignore ‘supposed to’

If we are to truly find our meaningful work, we’re compelled to create it for ourselves. We can’t look to others. Sure thing they’ll tell you what you’re ‘supposed to’ do. They’ll line up for that. But it’s you, lying your head on the pillow each night, knowing that you’ve created work that means something to you. That you’ve used your talent to the best of your ability, by your own definitions. Not because you were ‘supposed to,’ but because you were called to.

The answer to my initial question, ‘How do you define meaningful work?” is in your hands. Molded like a soft piece of clay until it speaks for you. Perhaps later you’ll throw it back down and start all over again…bravo! You’re allowed. As we morph and grow, so do our own definitions of what brings us meaning. Let that happen for you. You are the author of your own life. Be Brave with it. Lisa

And as a bonus, if you want to start your own Wholehearted Living journey, you can take Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Inventory. Learn more about it in the 10th anniversary edition of The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s the book that said, “I see you,” in this journey of midlife.

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Letting go of self-doubt, why isn’t it easier?

Launching into a year of Wholehearted Living, I hadn’t given full thought to the introspection which would result. Based on the Guideposts for Wholehearted Living which I ran across a few years ago in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, they’ve given me a different lens on this dumpster fire of a year called 2020. Because, accountability. Each month a new guidepost, no time to get stale or complacent about it because 28-31 days is not much time to examine an entirely new aspect of myself.

Self-Doubt v. Confidence

September’s target is Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting go of Self-Doubt and Supposed to. Last week I broadly considered the elements of this Guidepost, but I’ve stumbled over the past few days. Stuck on self-doubt. Do I have confidence? Yes, in what I know, is proven, is backed up, has a contingency plan, and which I’ve done 10,198 times. But in this crap shoot called middle age and the momentum to pivot that has arrived with it? Nope.

Because when I look at where the pivot points me, it’s new. Have I done 80% of it? Yes. But that 20%, I’m learning. And what’s in front of me, it’s about meaningful work – thus timely. However, I’ve spent 50+ years anchored in proven and sticking with a course that other people thought suited me. Has it been terrible? Absolutely not. I hope that none of us have arrived at this point with a cloud of regret over how you’ve spent your life thus far. Does it continue to suit me though? It does not.

Trying something new…aka stepping into the unknown

Deciding to pivot most definitely brings self-doubt, it’s a step into 20% unknown. Why don’t we play Russian Roulette instead, same odds as I see it. Ok, maybe that’s a tad bit of an exaggeration. I see the self-doubt like a neon sign, ‘warning, warning…uncertainty ahead.’ And rather than ignore that sign, I’ve found myself skirting around the edges. Reminds me of winter swimming. I’m there, bright and early, but sit poolside, outside, with my foot in the water. Contemplating, procrastinating before I take the plunge. When I finally get it, it’s literally fantastic. No one believes me mid-February, but it truly is.

Why is self-doubt so prevalent when it comes to the pursuit of meaningful work? Taking the plunge so difficult? What flashes into my mind? Self-worth. A tremendous amount of our identity and self-worth is derived from the work we do. Or is that only me? Maybe, but it’s where we spend a good chunk of our waking hours. The step into the semi-unknown puts that at risk.  And at the same time…Brené’s voice pops into my head, “I’m not screwing around, these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – [have] to go.” And there it is. The truth behind my self-doubt.

Pushing past vulnerability

Letting go of self-doubt? It’s vulnerability. And vulnerability is hard. Every time. Because it’s uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Cultivating meaningful work rather than remaining mired in self-doubt? Vulnerability. That’s why it’s so hard. It’s easier to remain with the work that is meaningful but isn’t fulfilling the dream anymore. At one time it was. But we’re allowed to change. Me, you, we are not required to remain the same today as yesterday.

Self-doubt is my armor. It holds me back from the next step in pursuit of meaningful work. But it doesn’t have to. 100% certainty will never quite arrive, so it’s perfectly normal to have twinge of concern and self-doubt when stepping into the unknown. If I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned to stop waiting for the self-doubt to disappear. Do it anyways. Because if I arrive at the end of all this with an unlived dream, I.will.be.pissed. I believe in this dream too much to ignore it. And I’m confident you feel similarly about a dream of your own. It’s our time, my loves. We’re on the journey together. Be Brave. Lisa

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It’s time to let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt

It's time to let go of 'supposed to' and self doubt

Quick, think back to your intention for the year, or your New Year’s resolution. Pause. Reflect on it.

How’s that working out for you? Probably, just about like it’s going for me. What in the actual hell.

Inspired by Brené Brown’s work, because, she’s my patron saint these days, I embarked on 2020 with an intention rather than a resolution. To spend 2020 working on living a wholehearted life. No biggie. Wholehearted life. A full, rich, lived experience. How to do that while sheltering in place and social distancing is a bit of a quandary, but it’s provided me inordinate amounts of time to think. It’s month nine and I’ve landed in the second to last mantra, or guidepost as Brené refers to them: Cultivating meaningful work: Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to.”

Prepare yourselves, I have plenty to say and only four short weeks to let go of ‘supposed to’ and self-doubt.

Starting with…’supposed to’

I’m nearly 53 and I’ve spent around 99.9992% of my life listening to what I was supposed to do. Perhaps girls born and raised today have a different experience, I certainly hope so for my nieces’ sake and will do all in my Auntie power to support it, BUT, I’m of a generation of women, akin to many before me, who think about what we’re ‘supposed to do,’ as a default. While my purpose today is focused on ‘supposed to’ as it relates to meaningful work, easily, I could fill reams with the messages women receive. Be thin, smile, stay positive, serve a man, stay home with your kids, get to work, have children, don’t question authority…on and on and on.

Sticking with supposed to as it relates to meaningful work, I wonder how many of us entered a career job directly out of high school or college because we were ‘supposed to’? Gap year? Um, what even would that have been. Loafing, that’s what it would have been. Now? Perfectly reasonable alternative to straight through college. Entering a career that was meaningful? Yeah, meaningful because it gave me a paycheck. The model laid out before me was to start in a career and follow through. Not a bad model, but perhaps not the one for me. Nonetheless, entered a field and progressed, just as I was supposed to. After all, I’m a ‘good girl’.

Self-doubt = Midlife

I stopped covering my gray hair around age 48 and adapted the attitude, ‘gray hair…don’t care.’ That is the essence of midlife. I.don’t.care. Meaning, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what I’m supposed to be doing. In reality, there are topics I care about inordinately more than the color of my hair or what people think I’m ‘supposed to’ do.

And if it were only that simple, I would not have a blog. A great big nothingness would fill my pages.

In midlife, a stronger sense of self-doubt enters the picture. Centered around doubting what we’re doing with our life. Are we actually engaged in work, activities, relationships that are more than ‘supposed to’? That career we entered because it’s ‘what you do,’ is it what you want to do? Quite possibly, we’ve been consumed with somebody else’s vision of how we should be living our lives.

Midlife is where we wake up to that. I can only speak for myself, but, and it’s a strong but, I have shared with many women around this phase, and the commonality is a sense of ‘what am I doing with my life’ and, ‘is this really how I want to ride it out’? It’s a time to question, to wonder, to consider, to dream – or our best approximation of dreaming. I occasionally wonder if I’ve forgotten how…it’s been eon’s since I’ve let my mind wander. I’ve been busy adulting, doing what I’m supposed to. When I allow myself, I see that self-doubt permeates because I’ve been on a chosen path so long. Not one I selected either, I defaulted to it. Similar to dozens of hundreds of other women, it’s the one that was laid out before me and I didn’t ask questions.

And I have questions now

If this Wholehearted Living guidepost is about cultivating meaningful work, I’ll start with that question. Is my work meaningful? To whom? The work I do may be meaningful to those I serve throughout the day, but is it meaningful to me? Yes, I said it. To me. It’s not selfish – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – to desire your work to be meaningful to you. Does your work help or benefit someone else? Maybe. I suppose in some ways our work exists because a service is needed, people naturally benefit from that.

But is it meaningful to you? Does the work you’re engaged in bring you joy? Are you passionate about it? Or, are you going through the motions, continuing in a field that you’ve done forever and as a result have become ‘good’ at it, so you don’t rock the boat. What would meaningful work consist of? That’s the question, isn’t it? Freeing ourselves from ‘supposed to,’ and pushing through our self-doubt to arrive at a place of wonder and curiosity. Ask yourself, what does meaningful work look like for me? Not your kids, parents, friends, spouse, co-workers, the guy next door…what does it look like for you?

I guarantee you we’re going to continue looking at meaningful work. This is our one and only wholehearted life, and we’re on the journey together. Be brave. Lisa

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Daring greatly for calm and stillness

Real life is the best classroom. No joke. As I transverse my way through the steps of life, and when I’m paying attention, it’s as though I’m observing myself. I know, I’m a little odd. Accepted. In this journey through my wholehearted year, with a focus this month on letting go of anxiety and embracing calm and stillness, I must admit a few of my own behaviors that get in the way of that. I’m learning that when I push through anxiety and dare greatly, as Brené Brown would say, the calm and stillness follow.

How much anxiety do we bring on ourselves?

If I’m honest, I’m fairly certain the amount of anxiety I experience in my life has a causal link to the inner workings of my mind. As someone who desires peace all the time (an unattainable standard admittedly), the tendency to avoid necessary conflict is ultimately detrimental to my sense of calm. When thinking about a conversation I need to have, for example, I think of the entire scenario. How many possible directions could it go, what will be my response, what will they say, is it worth it, can I survive without this conversation? You know, the full gamut.

As we spend those moments, ok, more like hours, in our own minds, the amount of good that comes from it is proportionately less as time goes on. There’s link between our mental gymnastics about an action, a conversation, a change, and how much anxiety we have about it. I’ve noticed that when I choose to dare greatly, it brings the calm and stillness I crave.

How to be daring…greatly…

In the quest for peace, and to be wholehearted in how I make my way through life, Brené Brown has been my patron saint. Because I connect to her and what she has to say. Reducing anxiety…and to be clear, I’m not talking about clinical anxiety, for which I fully endorse seeking whatever support you need…the anxiety we bring on ourselves, is choice. Albeit an unconscious choice. By overthinking, overanalyzing, we do everything except what we need to do. Take action.

Daring greatly is stepping into the arena. For me, it’s knowing that peace will be the result when I speak up, speak out, for what I believe. The truth is that on the way to peace, to calm and stillness, I might get a little bloody. In fact, I might get my ass kicked. Or not. We may find that the greatest confidence, calm and stillness, comes from stepping in and speaking about what we believe. It requires we take the first step when what we may want to do it pull back and stay ‘safe’ in our minds. At the end of the day, it’s not safe at all. It only brings on anxiety.

Take the first step, and the second, and third

Over the last week, I chose to dare greatly by having a conversation that intimidated me. Truth is, the only reason it intimidated me was the story I made up in my own mind. When I started speaking, pushing anxiety aside, at first, I felt flush in my cheeks and tightness in the pit of my stomach, But I became increasingly calm because I spoke about something I believed passionately in. All the uncertainty melted away. There was risk, most decidedly, but I refused to speak anything besides what was true for me.

And you can too. Daring greatly doesn’t require you to have any particular ability, it’s acquired skill learned by doing. It’s a decision to step in, not knowing the outcome. Understanding you might get your ass kicked and get bloodied. But you have not greater strength in that moment because you are being true to yourself. From that place, calm and stillness will evolve. We may not see it immediately, but…wait for it. Check in with yourself and I believe you’ll find a sense of calm, and peace, because you matter and what you have to say matters.

I am with you, my friends. We’re on the journey together. Be brave. Lisa

 

 

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Overcoming decision indecision

Upon stepping foot into the office, aka, my living room, these days, I am called upon to make decisions. Not mamsy pamsy decisions either. No. How much to pay people, should someone else be disciplined, another might need to go to the doctor, do we need to deep clean because of a COVID…and then flip a switch…how to reward someone, what to order, how do we do it, what’s the policy, do I really have to follow XYZ? On average, people make 35,000 decisions a day, using a wide range of techniques. Mental gymnastics throughout the day. By the time it’s 5 p.m. I’m cooked. Zapped. Nothing left in this brain of mine.

Not surprisingly for an Enneagram 9, the Peacemaker, I want to keep everybody calm and conflict free. Which means I hold space for whoever needs it.

Except me.

Someone else make the decision

Perhaps it’s making all the decisions in the course of my workday, but when it comes to my personal life, I’m decidedly indecisive. I’ll fret over what to order when I go out to eat to such an extent that I’d rather not go. I literally eat the same thing at home nearly every single day. I’ve wanted to redo my fireplace for a couple years, but can’t decide how I want it, so it remains whatever you called décor 20 years ago. I call it unsightly and drab. I drink the same coffee, black with Stevia, no need for fancy.

When I was married, I’d drive my husband nuts because he would ask where I wanted to go out to eat and I typically deferred. Truly, anywhere, I don’t want to decide.

What if it’s the wrong decision???

Literal fret fest. I had a moment today where I stepped outside myself and realized I was going down a wormhole picking out a new desk. I ordered one and when I set it up yesterday, my son told me it looked too small. Dammit, he was right and until I determined how to return it and what the replacement would be, my mind was on auto drive. If I make the wrong decision…what a waste…of time, of energy…possibly of money.

There was no peace, which I crave with all my soul, until I had restored order…in my house and mind.

Anxiety much?

All this decision indecision does nothing except produce anxiety. Exactly the opposite of what I desire. It winds me up inside like a top and although I endeavor to keep it at bay, the pinging won’t stop until I resolve what’s out of order. My son laughed at me the other day when he heard me on a call asking “is that something you need to share with me?” Not yet…”when will you share that with me,” When I can, “when will that be?” (new angle) “is there anything I need to prepare for?” He came downstairs and found much hilarity in the fact that I couldn’t get an answer.

Because too often when he and his brother were teenagers, I could tell something was wrong. “What’s wrong,” I don’t want to talk about it, “you’ll feel better if you talk about it,” I don’t want to, “I can help you if you talk about it,” No, “it’s not good to keep it bottled up. Talk to me about it,” sigh…fine. Akin to when my little brother would sit on my chest, pinning me down, when we were kids and poke, poke, poke my chest bone. Stoppppp.

It’s really not that big a deal

Granted, the desk situation literally happened today. Overall, though, here’s what I’ve learned. I offer this to my kindred spirits who may also struggle with indecision. I’ve realized that asking ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ puts everything into perspective. The tough decisions? 75% of those I make at work. And I assure you, I can make a decision like nobody’s business at work.

It’s when the decision relates to us, that’s when the struggle bus shows up at the door and says, “jump on in.” But we don’t have to. It helps to simply start making decisions. They might be wrong, and that’s ok. The anxiety and fret that otherwise ensues is 1000% not worth it. Not one little bit. Or you can simplify areas of your life that would otherwise require an overabundance of decision making. That’s me and food. I no longer have the attachment to food I once did, and it is worth the peace of mind I have resulting from a repetitive menu.

If we give ourselves space and time, we can overcome decision indecision. Making the shift from choosing a lifestyle of anxiety and shifting to calm and stillness is part of the journey to Wholehearted Living. When we let go, peace and calm will flood in and anxiety will flow out. I’m on the journey with you my friends. Be Brave. Lisa

 

 

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Why we need to BE not DO

Frenetic energy. I hadn’t heard the term in quite some time, but it landed in the midst of a training I led this week. Defined, frenetic is an adjective describing an activity marked by fast and energetic, disordered, or anxiety-driven activity. The woman used the term to describe a person’s energy, and I’m not sure why’s it continues to poke around in my mind, perhaps because it struck a nerve. You see, I’m Lisa, and I struggle to be not do.

Overcoming the drive to “DO”

‘Whatcha doing?’ Rolls of our tongues before we even realize it. Habit. Because, well, everyone is doing something, right? It’s wired into us to do, constantly, what did you do this weekend? What are you doing on vacation? What are you doing at work today? We do constantly, and when the need to do goes into overdrive, the risk of becoming frenetic easily creeps into the picture.

Take a deep breath and think about your yesterday. What was it filled with? Mine? Up early, went for a walk with a friend, cleaned my house, did 4+ loads of laundry, picked up lunch, drove to a friend’s, came home, more laundry, cooked dinner and collapsed. How about you? Be honest. Was it filled with activity similar to mine or??? That’s the question. If I wasn’t frenetically consumed with a clean house and using my precious time off to check more tasks off a list instead of connection with others or more importantly, myself…what on earth would I…wait for it…do.

How else can we define our time?

My Brené Brown Wholehearted Living Guidepost this month is Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle / Embrace calm and stillness. Honestly, I’ve seen this one on the horizon and wondered how I’d overcome the lifestyle carefully curated to do rather than be.

 Be. Let it be. What if you answered the query “what are you doing this weekend,” with “Letting it be?” I wonder the response you’d get, or I’d get. Perhaps like I was a three headed hippie? Frankly, the pace of society is frenetic and although we complain about it, we must find some comfort in it, because in this moment, with the country in stages of shutdown, we wistfully long to get out and do something. We may be feeling as though we’re wasting month after month, at home, socially distanced, not doing.

Except we are still doing. I continue to read of frenetic energy redirected to their homestead. Re-decorating projects, new landscaping, closets cleaned out, sourdough bread made…because, the horror if we actually rested as we shelter in place.

You might find yourself forced to be

Last November, surgery on my foot rendered me immobile, literally, for 6 weeks. Prior to the surgery, I believed I’d be able to go to work in a week. Staying at home seemed wasteful. So much to do. Imagine my surprise when, instead of bounding back to work, at the end of 6 weeks, I asked my doctor for another. Not quite ready to jump back into anything. After about 2 weeks, I felt stress slipping away. Stress I didn’t realize I was carrying. And once I released it, the last thing I wanted to do was jump back on that train. I coveted the calm, the stillness, arising from being confined to a comfy chair in yoga pants. I had zero desire to interrupt that. My body told me to let it be.

Yet slowly, or maybe not so slowly, I resumed my activity level. Bringing all the activities, the frenetic sense of it, into my life. But why??? Honestly. No one, and I mean, no one, puts that expectation on me, or on you, beside you – and me. We all do it we ease back into what we called our normal life. As though it’s a suit of armor we slip on and once equipped, we’re more comfortable.

Give it a try – Let it Be

Maybe that’s part of it. We don’t know how to let it be. Ok, that’s fair. But how are we going to learn besides practice? That’s why I meditate each morning. Why I park it in my chair and chill in the evenings. Why I’m going to close my computer in a hot second and relax with a friend. I’m not claiming to be role model for it, but baby steps.

What baby steps can you, will you, take this week to let it be. The song’s lyrics tell us Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. Because there is wisdom in those 7 words. Collectively, let’s take a breath and be. Release any frenetic energy, it does not serve you today. And when someone asks you what you did this weekend, you can tell them I let it be. Be brave friends. Lisa

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Steps toward letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle

Heart racing, cheeks flushed, hot flash…I can recall all the feelings that accompanied my first anxiety attack. I’d noticed I had been worrying more. Did I turn off the coffee maker, my hair straightener…did I close the garage door. My commute to work was short, maybe 10 minutes on a rough day, but the day I decided I would be late and turned around when I was nearly there to drive home and check if my garage door was shut, I decided that seemed atypical. Fast forward 10 years and I’m with my family vacationing. We’re getting ready to go to a Fourth of July parade and I don’t have enough time. Thoughts are jumbled, I’m unable to string my thoughts together and I can’t seem to navigate my way through a shower and out the door. In the end, I stayed behind, took a breath and caught up with the family a short time later.

A hidden disorder

Anxiety. It’s one of the most common mental disorders, impacting 18.1% of the population, that’s 40 million adults, every year. Because the words ‘mental disorder’ are included in the description, it’s also one people often don’t talk about, fearing a stigma, feeling embarrassed. As a result, despite being highly treatable, only 36.9% of population receive the help they need.

My sister-in-law was the wise sage who said to me after that vacation morning, “you don’t have to live like this.” She normalized taking medication for anxiety and shared that many of her friends did as well…and I do to this day.

Or a way of living?

But anxiety has become a way of living for so many of us. So, when I read the Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Living Guidepost I’ll be focusing on this month, letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle, cultivating stillness and calm, I’ll admit I cringed. I reasoned with myself, is it possible they can co-exist??? With all that swirls around us today, COVID-19, economic downturn, job uncertainty, don’t we have cause for anxiety? If we’re not anxious about something, we must be doing it wrong because there are millions of moving parts at any given moment. Rationalizing was perhaps one of the first signs I was too attached to the anxiety label…maybe.

I’ve been functioning through anxiety with mindfulness. Anxiety because there is always a problem to solve. In my job I solve problems for people all…day…long. That’s the primary extent of it. It doesn’t make anxiety any less. I’ve been weaving in mindfulness for the past 3-4 years because, a) it’s trendy…not going to lie about it, and b) it works. Mindfulness, the practice of maintaining awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and surroundings through a gentle lens has gained in popularity over the past few years. But it’s not new, Buddhists have been practicing mindfulness for centuries. It gained recognition in the U.S. and in 1979, Jon Kabat-Zinn launched a course at the University of Massachusetts on mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) and it’s been growing in popularity.

We have another choice

Mindfulness raises the level of stillness and calm you’re experiencing in any given moment. Because if we want to be in the moment, we must let go of anxiety. Please be clear, I recognize anxiety as a mental disorder and am in no way minimizing the impact. As I mentioned, I take a pill every day. What I’m suggesting we release is the anxious lifestyle we choose. Instead of being in the moment, we pile on, layer after layer of unneeded tasks and responsibilities rather than becoming still.

That’s what this Guidepost encourages me to do. Slow down and focus on calm and stillness. Maybe it’s my age, but I’m finding it easier and easier to do. I’m tired, and spending 20-30 minutes in meditation before I start my workday? Golden. By taking the time to be still, to breath, to focus, I clear out the cobwebs and make space for what lies ahead. And I’ve noticed the more I practice meditation and being still, the easier I can return to it in the middle of what might otherwise be an anxiety filled day.

Anxiety that we invite into our lives, that’s what we need to let go of on our Wholehearted Journey. It’s counterproductive to being our whole self because we’re giving our energy away needlessly. And we’re the only ones who know it. Re-diverting our energy to positive endeavors, to quiet and still our minds, creates more space in our lives for the aspects we truly desire, like peace and love. It’s a choice, a shift, one that we make over and over throughout our days. I’ll commit with you to working letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle…it’s a habit worth break and a step on our journey. Be brave friends. Lisa

 

 

 

 

 

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Do you need to dance like nobody’s watching?

Are there moments within your ordinary life that are mundane, but which bring you joy? In COVID-life, I’ve been paying closer attention what feels like play. Particularly so this month as I focus on the Wholehearted Living Guidepost “Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth” I had one such experience this morning. And thank the good Lord in heaven no one was watching.

Dance like nobody is watching

Here’s the buildup. I’d been fussing around my house since 7 a.m. Precariously climbing a ladder to trim a tree with my newly acquired tree lopper (oddly satisfying – I have to admit it) and cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. No one was home, ideal situation for cleaning. Headphones in, my jamming tunes going, singing at the top of my lungs, frightening the dog. Seriously, she was confused. And then, my power ballad came on. Whitney Houston belting out One Moment in Time. There was singing, there was dancing, there were arm movements. It was a thing. Probably looked more like one of these things, the bad ones, than Whitney. But it wouldn’t have happened if anyone had been home.

Why don’t we dance like nobody is watching…when someone is?

As I was gloriously enjoying Whitney, and one, maybe two repeat performances, I wondered if there were people who, in their moments of play, of relaxation into their true selves, could honestly let go enough to dance and sing like I was if other people were around. I’d thought about that before, when I was married and it wasn’t going well, wishing he would walk in and see that part of me with hopes that would show a different side of me.

Instead of showing that soft underbelly of ourselves – oh, I am the only one who feels like that? Unlikely. Letting someone see that playful, silly, secret, inner Whitney side of myself doesn’t happen, nope, because it feels risky. In the context of the Guidepost focus for this month, it undermines the front we might be striving to create, one of productivity to the point of exhaustion if we allow someone to see us while at play.

Dance party for one is a start…but…

For those of us who lean towards the serious side like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, yours truly included, incorporating a dance party for one is a place to start. But what would it take to open yourself up to involving others in your play? What would that look like for you? Believe me, I get that it’s not easy, any why is that? Let’s cut to the chase, vulnerability. When you play, you might look silly. Or better yet, when you play, 9 times out of 10, you will look silly. So what? Vulnerability defined by Brené Brown is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Do those components exist when you invite someone into your private dance parties, your private play?

100%.for. sure.

Vulnerability gets you to courage

I had someone comment the other day that you have a choice to be vulnerable and surrender or retreat…and that courage is the bridge. You can choose to surrender to the moment and let someone into to your inner world, invite them to share you play time, or you can retreat and keep yourself apart. I’m not going to tell you one is better than the other. But what I am going to tell you is that I believe there is a time for both, and if you listen to your heart, you will know when that time is.

My friends, I know you are courageous. If you’ve been with me for any length of time, you know we’re on a vulnerable, courageous journey to a wholehearted life. It is one step at a time and at moments feels like a slog-fest, which is normal, I’m sure of it. But Wholehearted Living, bringing our whole self, including play and rest, letting go of exhaustion, know that self-worth is within us every moment, not externally derived, is our path. We’re on that brave path together my friends. Sending you all the love. Lisa

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When play doesn’t come naturally

As a young girl, under 8, I’d cultivated an organized, serious side. My collection of books, those passed down to me from aunts, uncles, my parents, and accumulated as gift and through Scholastic Book Fairs at school set me up well. So well, in fact, I’d determined that my books could not be touched by my little brother. Nope. In order to put his little hands on my precious books, he would need to check them out.

I created a library system.

By taking envelopes, cutting them in half, gluing them inside the book cover and putting an index card within the slot, a simple book became a library treasure. He played along, for a while, and then I’m sure he got bored with the entire system and resumed whatever it is little brothers did, probably playing. I had no time for that. I had to organize. He went on to terrorize me as we got older, so I’d say we’re even.

Where did all the playing go?

Much later, I had two additional little brothers and was more akin to an aunt with them because I was already out of the house and never lived at home with them. They’re now adults and as I think about my Wholehearted Guidepost this month of Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth, I have an uphill battle on the play side.

I think my brothers got all the genes for playing.

No really, I’m not joking.

Do I want to play? Who am I, Professor Snape? I am not. So, sure I want to play. But it doesn’t come naturally. My brothers, especially the younger ones, they make me laugh all the time. They’re silly, and light-hearted, they’re jokesters and generally like to have a good time. But all three of them are funny in their own ways. I am the serious one. So, while its easy to say “lighten up,” it’s not flipping a switch.

Of course we want to let go of exhaustion!

But letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol? Sign me up. Earlier in my career, I worked on a takeover project. Endless hours and one night, driving home at 11 p.m., I counted the hours thus far in the week to keep from falling asleep. I got to 80, it was Thursday. I learned that within that company, hours accompanied promotions and traded time at home for advancement. It’s a trap of your early career that many of us fell into in the 90’s and people still fall into today. My advice? Do not do it!

Fast forward to later stages in the game and with wisdom I can say, ummm, nope. The benefit of all those hours was more hours and time away from my family. Time that is unrecoverable. As I talk with peers in this stage of life, it’s a common thread. Most of the women I talk with worked, we jumped on the corporate ladder without a second thought. And lost time at home, time to pursue our interests and now? Now we’re figuring out who we are and what we want. And we have many thoughts about it.

Make a choice to play

Those thoughts are coming fast and furious now. Because we’re tired. Bossy older sister wants at least a chance to play without having to work all the time. Wholehearted living requires us to look at our entire life, not one slice, to truly become our whole selves. And letting go of anything that is exterior to ourselves as a status symbol, or to provide us with self-worth, is necessary to fully function as our whole self.

Play and rest…if you are like me (dear God, I hope you got the play gene!), you’ve spent most of your life being serious and you might need to experiment a bit to find what’s fun for you. Yoga…that’s always relaxing for the body and mind, being with my silly brothers and my kids – who equally make me laugh, ridiculous movies, and even old TV show (and I’m talking childhood) clips like this one. At the same time, I know I will always have a serious side, it’s part of who I am.

Each of our Wholehearted Journeys looks different, but whatever yours is, be brave. I’m right here with you. Sending love and light. Lisa

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We need less exhaustion and more play!

Easy as riding a bike

Like riding a bike. I thought about that concept yesterday morning as I literally rode my bike for the first time in probably a year. And while that may not seem remarkable to anyone, it is to me. Today when I pulled on the spandex and buckled up my shoes, the routine came back to me, familiar. And as I rolled out for what turned out to be a comparatively short ride, if I reflect back on my prior riding life, I rode my bike, and it felt like play.

Cultivating Play and Rest

Fitting, because the Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Living Guidepost I’m focusing on this month is: Cultivate Play and Rest – Let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth

You’d think that after nearly four months of staying at home, sheltering in place for our own protection, I’d have found a way to cultivate play, that I’d feel rejuvenated, refreshed.

I do not.

Busy comes easy

In fact, my mind has remained busier than normal, and I am not alone. Not only are we navigating day to day life, we’re ensuring that we do not contract what may be a deadly virus…or a minor cold…it’s a roll of the dice until we get it. Wear a mask or not? (I’m a mask wearer) Work from home. Be a teacher (my kids and I are thankful we don’t have to figure that one out…we would all suffer). Isolate. Go out…wait…go back into your homes. Layer on the racial injustices in our country and a desire to self-examine and my mind is full.

Ok, so all that plus…I am working on a side project that occupies time outside of work. One I have a great deal of passion around, but which takes focus and mental energy, nonetheless. It’s important to remember that simply having passion for a topic, or a project does not alleviate the mental exertion you put towards it.

Is it truly ok to play?

Sliding into play on the weekend should feel as easy as riding a bike. And while enjoyable, a normal weekend lately feels structured. Between walking with a friend, writing, cleaning, puttering around the house, maybe reading for an hour, working on my side project, and then suddenly it’s 4 p.m. Sunday and I think “I did not relax one bit this weekend.” Part of it, I’ve begrudgingly come to realize, is that when I’m ‘working’ to some degree, I derive worth from the activity. And, I’ve spent enough time in therapy and on my own, reflecting, to know where that comes from. It’s not a healthy thought pattern.

Yet, it’s a hard one to break.

Because, activity is addictive. It’s one of those addictions, like exercise, that isn’t ‘bad’ for you, so it’s hard to see the downside. But when your self-worth is wound tight with your activity, when exhaustion is, in Brené’s words a “status symbol,” it’s unhealthy for you. We question whether we can put it down and play.

It’s like riding a bike. It can be easy. We can roll out and play.

What does play mean to you?

Play is not the same for each of us. To me, maybe it is riding my bike more frequently, or yoga with a friend. It could be painting or creating. Brené writes that play is doing things because they’re fun not because they’ll help achieve a goal, and that’s it’s vital for human development. In that case, I better get it in gear and spend less time doing and more time dreaming and goofing off – although I feel a little cringy at the thought of goofing off. I could get spunky, yes, sassy, absolutely, goofy, I might pass…this may be a hard month.

What about you? What does play mean to you? Perhaps you have a healthy balance between your productivity and play and rest and if so – I applaud you – and hate you a little – ok, not really, just slightly jealous. I won’t even say it’s a balance because in and of itself the concept of balance can lead to unhealthy thinking, another blog another day. For now, let us focus on cultivating rest and play. It’s a journey my friends, one leading us down the road to Wholehearted Living. You are brave and I am with you. Sending you all the love. Lisa