Ever play on the teeter totter as a child? When you have someone on the other side that you trust, it’s awesome, easy flow, back and forth, up and down. If you have the unlucky draw of someone who doesn’t like you, prepare for the sudden jerks up and down. Or if you got your parent, you could convince them to do all the work. And when you look at it before climbing on, on good days, it’s got that perfect balance where both sides are even above the ground.
Sometimes it seems like life is a teeter totter. Ride it alone, you’re doing all the work. You can propel yourself up, but you do have to keep doing the work to stay up. So that can wear you out if you haven’t practiced, and you end up resting on the ground, hoping you didn’t fall too hard. You can also have ups and downs when someone else is on it with you – there’s no controlling that. But in the end, if you work at it, you can end up back in the neutral space, and I think that’s a choice. You don’t have to sit with your butt on the ground, you can do some work and get up.
I’ve thought about this over the last couple days. I had a helpful suggestion given to me that was soooo well-meaning and kind. I was so thankful for the friend who passed it along. But there were other components that factored into it that I didn’t talk about, and those things got me feeling like I was on that teeter totter and kept dropping to the ground, of my own doing. My mind started down the well-known path of doubt and questioning and second guessing. Now, just the other day, I had vowed to not let myself go there anymore, but found there I was, awake for hours in the middle of the night, with my mind spinning.
But today, I got to a different place. A healthy place. I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make any decisions today, and that got me a little off the ground. Then I decided to stick with not looking backwards because, a) I’d committed to it, b) it wasn’t going to answer or solve anything, and c) it keeps me stuck…ok, up a little more. I also realized that I had no reason to feel shame or guilt with whatever I decided and that got me pretty close to that neutral space. When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, “you are worthy of being happy,” I was on that upswing. And that’s really the key issue. I am worthy of being happy, and that doesn’t come from anyone else, it comes from within me and the choices I make. I’m pushing the teeter totter.
So now I have the suggestion from my friend, and that’s it. I can just live with it and leave it with God. I’m open but know that I’ve got some work to do before I could act on it. God and I have work to do and that’s ok, and I don’t know how long it will take. But what I do know is that that ride on the teeter totter is back to normal and I got there pretty quickly. That made it a YAY ME, “I got it!” kind of day.