Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Living Guideposts lay out markers along a path leading to the cultivation of being your authentic, wholehearted self. But what does wholehearted signify? I believe it’s different for each of us and throughout the year, focusing on a different guidepost each month, I’ve arrived at my own definition. Wholehearted living is coming back to who you are at your core, independent of other people’s opinions, judgements, or expectations. And wholehearted is most decidedly not cool and always in control.
What other people think is in our way
Why do we care about what other people think? Where to start? Belonging comes to mind, acceptance, feeling that we ‘fit in.’ We have an innate desire to be seen and known by others. Unfortunately, that can lead to twisting ourselves up like a pretzel in an effort to be one of ‘the club.’ We remain in control of ourselves partly to ensure our acceptance in this elusive club, because, we surmise, if people knew who we ‘actually’ were at our core, they would kick us to the curb, alone.
And nobody wants to feel they’re alone.
But, as Brené Brown writes in Braving the Wilderness, do we truly belong when we’re shape shifting to remain there (paraphrased)? If the space where we desire to belong requires that we stay buttoned up to meet other people’s expectations, or to stay in their good graces, are they really our people? If we’re spending our time working to ‘fit in,’ chances are, they’re not. In which case, our own growth as a wholehearted person is being stunted.
We desire security
One of the reasons we strive to be in control is other people and staying in ‘the club’. But within that space, we often find those crazy, unstructured people who enjoy accusing us of being ‘control freaks.’ If they understood our ‘why’ they may show a bit more compassion. And I say this as one who has been accused on more than one occasion of being a bit controlling. Truth is, I don’t care about controlling other people. Really.
What I care about is controlling what’s happening around me. Being in the club provides security, but so does being able to predict what’s going on around me. So, do I like an organized, structured life? I do. Unequivocally. Security is one of the basic needs Maslow describes and when life around me becomes chaotic, my own sense of security declines. It might seem as though those of us who desire security in our surroundings are control freaks and if that’s the case, I am not sorry.
Wholehearted is not control
If we could architect our way to wholehearted living, it wouldn’t be a journey. But it is. And despite the lingering relapses into control I, for one, have chosen the journey. Which requires letting go of always being in control. Dammit.
I was recently reminded of what it feels like to not be cool and in control while visiting my 16-week-old niece. Do you know who is in control in her house? She is. Structure around her schedule and what she needs. I willingly submit. And what I noticed is that when I was with her, I had zero desire to be in control, or to be cool. She does not care if I’m cool. So funny faces, giggling with her, letting her kick and splash in the tub while I get wet…I’m in, 100%. With a surprising side effect…laughter, song, and dance. A feeling of being free. Understandably, if you’re the parent, it’s different, but as the Aunt? Fantastic.
So perhaps feeling wholehearted is reminding myself of that feeling. Replicating it once I’m back to my day to day. If each of us determined that we are no longer going to remain calm and in control, instead opting for wholehearted, it’s possible the nature of the club would change. And if not, maybe they’re not our club. The people with whom we don’t feel we need to remain calm and in control, now that’s our club, and it does feel like the wilderness at times. Are you up for braving the wilderness to have more laughter, song and dance in your life? I am. Be brave, friends. We’re in the same club. Lisa