Be Brave Archives - Page 10 of 12

June 25, 2017

Silencing loudest voice

youarenotalone The other day, I had some pictures taken for a project I’m working on. The amazing photographer I worked with, Meredith (http://mercarty.com/) and I spent a lot of time talking during the 3 hour shoot. I’d previously worked with Meredith through a group that held workshops for women, and which offered some coaching in the process.

I told her about my coaching business and ask we were talking, mentioned that I’d also been working with a nutritional psychology coach (www.lolonutrition.com ). As she positioned me for one of the shots, she had me twist a ring around on my finger. I told her that ring is something I bought when my good friend and peer coach told me to get something to remind myself to “be nice” to me since I was so hard on myself. I told her how my coach and I had been working on my internal dialogue about my body and what a lifetime battle that had been. Meredith echoed that she had the same battle with her internal voice.

And it occurred to me that, as women, we often think our struggle with the internal dialogue is ours alone. It doesn’t come to our minds that other women struggle with the very same thing. That’s just a big lie! It keeps us isolated in our struggle and without the support of the very people we need. And sometimes we even judge those other women, thinking they have it all together, or that they could never relate to us. In fact, they may share the same internal pain. That makes me sad, makes my heart hurt.

What would it take for women to feel like they could share their internal struggles, the things they say to themselves when they’re feeling down, with others who’ve felt their pain? Who’ve looked in the mirror and immediately said things to themselves that they would never say to anyone else. The thought of having that kind of group, encouraging others, and myself, through the struggle, brings me joy. That’s what I want to focus on in my coaching practice. The worst thing we can do for ourselves is think we’re alone. We’re not.

I challenge you to take a step with me. When you hear inner voice, the things it says to you, pay attention. Don’t automatically believe it. Question the truth of what is said, challenge it. Like I was encouraged to do, find something, some object, that reminds you to be nice to yourself. Those mean things we say to ourselves, we need to take steps to change that. We are unique, amazing, beautiful women in all of our shapes and sizes and we need to embrace that.

Starting today, take time to love yourself. Think about something you love about yourself and appreciate that, cherish it. Pay attention to the compliments people give you and believe them. Don’t dismiss those encouraging words. You were made exactly as you are for a reason, embrace it, and embrace you!

June 17, 2017

True engagement

Follow your heart I went to yoga yesterday. In Athleta. At the mall. Truth is, I love it because it’s a little different setting and when they have classes, it’s different every time. If I could practice yoga outside regularly, I’d probably do that too since it’d always be something new to look at.

I go to yoga for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones is so that I rest from thinking for an hour. All I have to do is listen to the instructor, follow her voice, her flow. Done right, it’s a time for me to let go and be present, in the moment, connecting with myself. But that’s not what happened today. I felt like I had one thing after another flying through my head. Telling me everything I needed to do today. A non-stop barrage, organize the garage, clean the house, groceries, all on the day that is intended to be for rest. In that time, that space I put aside which should be still, I wasn’t relaxing because my mind kept churning.

I don’t need a phone to remind me, I have a constant to-do list in my mind. And it exhausts me. It’s not that I truly have so much to do, I’ve worked at slowing down, intentionally. But my mind doesn’t rest. I really want to be present, to be here, now, engaged in whatever it is I’m involved in, but I usually spin ahead.

I’ve reached the point where I’m over it. So much so that I’m going to take a class in mindfulness this summer. Even as I look at the pre-worksheet though, I feel panic arising. “When will I practice,” every day. Ummm…can I get back to you on that? All the what if’s surface in my mind. What if I commit and then don’t do it. Can you fail at mindfulness? Ok, deep breath. I suppose not.

It also asks about what I’m hoping to achieve by the end of the course. Mindfulness. Ok, well besides mindfulness…I want to stay focused so that I’m not running through a million scenarios in my head at all times. I want to be able to actually say where and when I’d like to go on a trip this fall instead of playing the entire thing out in my head and then thinking through the pitfalls. As it is, I’ve waffled on where to go so many times my husband has stopped going down my rabbit trails. He’ll wait until I get worn out and come down to 2-3 choices.

I’m also hoping to engage with others and with myself. To really engage in what I’m doing right now instead of thinking about the future. I realize that all I have is right now. And I miss it. I’m so busy thinking ahead, I often don’t truly engage in what’s happening now. I mean, I do, but my brain’s in maybe 60%. It exhausts me.

So mindfulness, how are you doing with it? Are you here, now, or are you planning dinner in your head? It is just a busy season, or is it one long continuous “season”? Rushing through things in your mind doesn’t give you or the experience much of anything, just motions. If you’re in the same boat as me, I’d encourage you to think about why. Are you avoiding something? Maybe trying to meet someone else’s expectations? Whatever it is, I encourage you to take the time to explore it, and slow your mind down. If you want someone to walk the path with you, reach out to me. Despite my talk of distraction, I am engaged when coaching, promise. My challenge to you today, and to me, is to slow your mind down, maybe only for 5 minutes, but slow it down, give it a rest. You won’t be sorry.

June 11, 2017

Body love and happiness

body love Is this a rant? Let’s say no, because a rant sounds so, well, negative. Instead let’s say I been feeling strongly about this topic. The other morning, I had the TV on watching the news while I got ready for work. A commercial came on that I’d seen dozens of times. It opens with “What do you hate about your body?” The ad then goes on to detail woman after woman who didn’t like their face, their arms, you name it, they didn’t like it. But, the ad promised, there’s a solution! A solution that will make you feel amazing, transform your life! And went on to talk about plastic surgery.

This is one of dozens of ads that I’ve seen asking the same thing. Though the ads sometimes target men too, they’re primarily aimed at women. Fast forward to a conversation I had with a friend the other day who told me she was going to a plastic surgeon for a face lift consultation. Her mother was giving her a facelift for her birthday and told her, “wouldn’t you like to look better now instead of doing it when you’re older and don’t have as long to enjoy it?”

What makes me sad, and a little bit angry, is that there is such a focus on body image and acceptance of the idea that by changing a physical aspect of ourselves, our lives will be magically transformed. We’ll feel amazing, have more confidence, have more fulfilling lives, make more money, meet the man of our dreams.

But it’s a lie.

What would it look like to accept our bodies as they are? To embrace our bodies, our faces, our extra skin, whatever it is. To shift the focus from what’s wrong to all the things that are right. To celebrate our bodies and get comfortable in our own skin? Last night I started to make a crack to my husband about my own body and my recent lack of ab exercise. The extra skin on my belly I attribute to my first son who I was convinced, while he was in the womb, loved fried chicken and chocolate cake, so who was I to deny him. But I stopped and instead said my belly skin was good because “I grew humans in this body.”

Now, I know there are medical reasons for plastic surgery and support that. There can also be reasons related to disease management or body function. Those aren’t the body changes I’m talking about.

I’m concerned about the idea that by getting a facelift or tummy tuck or whatever it is, your life is going to be magically transformed into the one of your dreams. Chances are, it’s not. That’s like chasing a moving target.

If you want to feel better, happy, whatever it is, what stops you from doing it now? All the things promised by the countless surgical and non-surgical options for changing your body, you can have those without medical intervention. Or without endless diets or workouts. Those qualities, they come from inside you. They are a choice.

Wait for the external solution…

Or find the one inside of you…

The challenge I pose for you today is to think about your body. Think about the amazing things it has done for you. If you don’t already, think of it like a close friend. Love on it. The aspects in your life you’re waiting on for your body, your weight, whatever, to be “right,” I believe you can have those things now. I’m not saying exercise or being healthy isn’t good, it IS good, but it’s not necessarily going to change your mindset.

If you want to be happier, think about what makes you happy. Write it down. Then write down three things you’ll commit to this week that move you towards happy. Then do it.

If you’re not sure where to start, feel stuck or challenged with finding what you desire in life, I’m here to help. Find me at bbravecoaching…I’m here…sharing my brave journey with you.

June 4, 2017

How’s stress working for you?

stress control We all have stress in our lives. It’s part of the deal. How much stress you have, I’m learning, is largely up to you. Your perspective has a lot to do with it. And what I’m realizing is that the degree to which I try and control certain areas of my life has a lot to do with how much stress I associate with them.

Here’s an example. Everybody has work stress. If you don’t, I ask you, are you ‘working’ on the beach in Cancun sipping the cool and refreshing beverage of your choice?

So yes, I have work stress. The other day though I was listening to a podcast by Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. He was talking with a client about control related to diet and food and how that showed up for her. Letting go of that has been something I’ve worked on. What it made me think about that day though was the control I like to think I have at work. Lately, work has felt stressful to me, but what I realized that morning was that a big reason for that was me. There’s a little flux in my role right now because of some exciting projects we’re working on, and shifts that could change some of my day to day work – all in a good way. But even though it’s all good, it’s flux, and I’m not in control of it. Not in control of the timing, or how it plays out. I have input, but I’m not a one man show. There are a lot of voices speaking into how the projects roll out, and they’ll be better for it. But again, not in control. Once I realized that, I was able to consciously start letting go of my desire to control my work, and trust the process. I just started so I can’t quite say I’m all the way there, but it’s baby steps in the right direction.

So in thinking about that, I’m really seeing how the amount of stress I associate with any situation has to do with how much I try to, or think I have to, control it. I’ve wanted a new car for quite a while, but it was finally time. My husband and I drove one on Friday night and by yesterday morning, I told him I was all in. But then I went about my leisurely Saturday morning. I later realized that while I did yoga and meandered around Whole Foods, he was in go mode. He researched, he price compared, he was looked at rates, at what was available through other dealers. Next thing I knew, he was at the dealer, telling me he had the car, waaaaay under the MSRP, and I needed to come sign papers. For a second, my control self reared up and asked me why I hadn’t had all that under my control? The stress, driven by guilt, reared up, but I shut it down (yes, applause comes now). I drove down and had a stress free buying experience. Instead of stress that could have come from the experience, I was grateful. Grateful I had a husband who was so good at all that stuff. Stuff that really I’m not good at, and don’t especially care about being good at, so even more grateful to have him.

Where do you have stress in your life? Could it be that you’re trying to hold on tight, to control, situations that would be better served if you just let go? Stress and control are draining energies and letting go of them is freeing, making room for the positive energy I think we all want in our lives.

There are a few simple things you can do to start moving towards letting go of control and stress.

Think about the areas of your life that cause you stress.
Be real with yourself about the amount of control you try to have in those areas.
From your list, consider which one you’d like to reduce your stress in the most – in this moment.
Write down 1-3 things you can do to reduce the amount of control you’re trying to have in those areas.

Try to let go of control and the stress that comes with it. You’ll find yourself far more engaged and “all in” in whatever situation it is if you have an open hand, rather than a death grip.

And then breathe…Relax…And enjoy the experience.

May 28, 2017

Steps to trusting myself…

Goodbye Scale I gave away my scale this week. Unceremoniously taking it to Goodwill and saying goodbye. Big deal you might be saying. I get that. Let me give you a little backstory.

I’ve always looked at other women who I think are thin with envy. For the last probably 35+ years of my life, every…single…morning the first thing I had to check on was my weight. Was it ‘good’? If it was good, then so was my day. If it wasn’t, that’s how my day started, frustrated, annoyed with myself. My internal voice was on overdrive. I ate too much. I didn’t exercise enough. Today I would do better. On what I considered to be a good day, I was elated, quickly replaced by trying to replicate everything I did the day before so I could be good again tomorrow.

During the day, every time I ate was an opportunity to determine if I was doing good, if I was making the right choices. If I ate a cookie, I’d pray that I wouldn’t see the impact the next morning. Nothing was eaten without having weighed out the consequence in my mind. I had my ‘approved’ list of foods, ones that in some convoluted way I’d determined would not have a negative impact on the next day’s weigh in. Eating was largely a source of anxiety, judgement, by myself or others (in my mind).

And I was exhausted.

I started working with a coach because I wanted a solution to why my nearly 50 year old body felt like a magnet to weight. In reality, I’d probably been too thin and my body was getting back to where it should have been, I see that now. But then, I was frustrated and wanted the magic bullet.

So boy was I surprised when she told me to stop stepping on the scale, stop counting calories, stop weighing and measuring my food. But how would I know how I was doing? How would I know if my weight was acceptable? The answer? My body. Look in the mirror. My body would tell me by how I felt. Uhhhhhh…that’s what my scale did. But not anymore.

In the beginning, I struggled. But it got easier. And the more time passed, the more I started to feel in touch with my body. I noticed when things I ate made me feel strong, and what I ate that didn’t. I started appreciating the way other women looked, at all shapes and sizes and really noticed when they appeared to be comfortable in their own skin. Whether they were or not, I don’t know, but they appeared that way. And I appreciated them. As I did, I started to get more comfortable with myself.

Last week, my husband’s scale called to me one morning and I listened. And stepped on. My reaction was, huh. I didn’t get too tied up in it, but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about it, over and over, and the same mental game started again.

That did it.

Later that day, I took my scale to Goodwill and said goodbye. Forever. It was freeing and scary all at the same time, but I did it. The thing about the scale is that it was telling me what to think about myself instead of trusting my own body, my own intuition about myself.

The unfortunate part is, I know I’m not alone. The scale may not be your thing, but you may have one. That external thing that tells you how to feel about yourself, about your body, about the kind of mother, or wife, or friend you are. I’d suggest that you already know those answers. If you listen to yourself, to your intuition, you know. And you can trust that. No other person, or magazine, or scale, or whatever that thing is, knows your story, lived your story, been through your life and all that has brought you to where you are today. Only you. You are unique. And you are amazing. But you don’t have to listen to me, you already know that.

My coach launched me on my journey. If you’d like to talk to a coach about taking the journey for yourself, I’d love to work with you, that’s what the Be Brave part is all about. Helping you find your amazing self, because sometimes, you have to be brave to get there.

May 21, 2017

Today’s Focus

Don't Rob Today.png Sometimes my thought process feels like it’s the disclaimer you hear for car ads on the radio. It races ahead, quickly thinking about all that lies ahead of me, everything I need to do, what I have to check off a list. It spins my head. Even today, I was walking our dog on early in morning, my favorite time of the day, and I was through today into next week in my head. Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone and I’ve already had the first part of the conversation in my head so what comes out is mid-way through and makes no sense at all.

I’m often thinking about the next move. What I have coming up. I think my busy mind has been also on overdrive at night lately. I’ve been having crazy dreams – which I don’t normally do. I was telling my coach about one yesterday. I was in the Philippines, a place I’ve never been. I came out of a corridor and there was water everywhere, like in Venice, with a lot of Asian influenced statues. I floated around on a statue head, trying to take a bunch of pictures because I only had a short time. Then I rushed to a hotel room where my husband was, he wanted me to hang out, but we had to get to the airport, fast! Then I was changing my clothes in a public bathroom, ran into someone from work, and ran through the airport for a flight, telling others to keep up. My coach looked at me and said it sounded like rushing all the time while my husband wants to just hang out with me. Just like that, calm, cool, she summed it up. Mic drop, walk away.

It was an oh crap kind of moment. I’ve been thinking about it today and wonder if, in the midst of trying to stay ahead of the game, I miss what’s right in front of me. Maybe I already know the answer to that, but I don’t like it. I’m in, but am I truly in the moment? Or, am I too busy looking at the next thing. Even though I thought I knew this about me, I thought I’d made progress towards slowing down. Apparently not.

In today’s busy lifestyle, it’s far too easy to fall into this trap. What can you do to safeguard against it? What steps am I going to take to slow down (and believe me, I’ve already slowed down from the pace I used to go).

First, if you find yourself starting to spin, take a breath. Really. Just slow down and take a few slow breaths. It has the effect of calming you down, slowing the cadence of your movements, let’s you think clearer.

Next, think about what is actually on your plate, right now. Not tomorrow, but in this moment. You may be afraid you’ll forget everything else you have to do, but you won’t. And if you’re really concerned, make a list. I’ve read that when you make a list, it allows you to clear that information from you head. Less to distract you.

Finally, think about what is most important in the moment. Focus on that. It could be your spouse, your child, a family member or friend, or maybe it is work, or play. Whatever it is, just focus on doing that. Take steps to engage, fully, completely.

One of the things I’ve realized is that I manage a lot of stuff. And by stuff, that’s exactly what I mean, just stuff. Lately, I’ve been working on minimizing my stuff so there’s less to organize, put away, manage, clean, you know, all those fun things that come with stuff. With less of it, I can focus on what’s important. How about it? Tired of managing all that stuff? Purge it with me, both your mental and the physical stuff, and then let me know how it goes, how you feel, how you’re showing up in life. I want to share your journey!

May 13, 2017

Your true Yes

True Self Though I am in recovery, I am a pleaser. I aim to make people happy. If I think a decision I’m making will result in negative feedback from someone else, I’m thinking twice about it. As a result, I often say yes easily. Now, I truly do like helping people, but my automatic yes sometimes results in the voice in my head asking, in a whiny voice, “why?”

This week though, was asked by someone I’d worked with doing some freelance work could refer me to a colleague. Within minutes, I was writing out the response text to say “sure, thanks for asking.” But then I stopped. I started thinking about the kind of work I’d done with them in the past and how that wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. Could I do it? Yes. But want to? No. And so, after thinking and praying about it, the next morning I wrote him and declined, referring them instead to a former colleague who specializes in that type of work. And it felt great!

Before I made the decision, I felt anxious, nervous about saying no, but once I did, once I was true to myself, I felt free. Later in the week, I was involved in a situation by default and the discussion was around a topic that I’d rather not think about for hours on end. It was necessary, but negative, draining, and I could feel the uneasiness in my stomach all day. In that case, I didn’t have a choice. But in many cases, I do, you do.

Think about it this way. Those things you really love to do, you do with all your heart. Could be something creative, could be cleaning, cooking, or golf, skiing, cycling, or swimming, or maybe you work on cars, or are a collector…only you know what that thing is, but when you’re doing it, it’s your jam. You lose track of time. For me, it’s being creative, and it’s engaging with others and helping them move their lives forward, whether it be at home or at work. When I’m in that space, I’m in it with all my heart. I’m engaged, and focused.

It’s my sweet spot.

What I’ve learned is that the greater degree to which I can stay in the sweet spot, the better results I’m going to have. AND, the more focused and productive I’ll be. Think about it for yourself. Do you know your sweet spot? If you do, what percent of your day are you spending in that space? And if you’re not spending a lot of time there, why not?

If you don’t know your sweet spot, you have a unique opportunity. One which could lead you to feel like you’re all in, engaged, and creating a fulfilling life. I know that, for me, I’ve spent too much time trying to please others, and saying yes when I really want to say “heck no.” And it’s not about only doing what I want, or what I’m good at. It’s about being in that sweet spot where I know I’m using gifts that I’m meant to be using. My own ‘special sauce.’ So if you’re still looking…not quite sure what the sweet spot feels like, saying yes when you want to say no, spend some time on it, dream. If you need a little help, or guidance on your journey, that’s what I’m here for, it’s my sweet spot.

May 7, 2017

Who do you love?

Give love away

Sometimes, a person can say something to me that I’ve heard before, but for some reason it finally sinks in. That’s the space I’m in the last couple days. Friday, I was meeting with my coach and we were talking about loving yourself, accepting yourself. Seems easy, but for some (hand raised) it can be tough. We talked about how you can’t give away something you don’t have, or don’t own. Hold that thought and fast forward with me to yesterday.

Wanderlust is a festival that I’ve heard about for a few years. It’s a ‘mindful’ triathlon – 5k, yoga, meditation. Then you can participate in a variety of other activities, acro yoga, hooping, workshops, throughout the day. It was amazing! One of the things our yoga instructor talked about (think about hundreds of people doing yoga together – so much positive energy!) was self-love. She echoed the same idea I had talked about with my coach – you have to love yourself, have a good relationship with yourself, in order to love others well, to give away love.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt as though I was getting confirmation of an area I need to focus on. In order to truly love well, you have to know what it’s like to feel love for yourself. Same is true for self-compassion. If you don’t give yourself compassion, realizing that you’re not perfect, and that’s ok, how are you going to be compassionate to others?

That’s one that I could really relate to. I’ve held myself to ridiculous standards and beat myself up when I fall short. Truth is though, no one else holds me to standards as high as I do. And I’ve been working on it. Being kinder to me. And it’s incredibly freeing, which allows me to show up stronger because I’m not as worried about making mistakes, or falling short.

So why do I bring all this up?

Sadly, I know I am not alone in having issues with self-love, self-acceptance and self-compassion. It’s not something people like to talk about. I can only speak for women and I know for many, it’s an issue that is exacerbated by comparison, by expectation, or by whatever has compounded it for you. I know it can be an issue for some men too, but I’m not equipped to speak about their journey. So to my female tribe – my friends, and even those I may not know, I get you.

I have to keep hearing the message, but it is sinking in. I’m thankful for that and share the message with all of you. Love yourself. You are with you all the time, don’t you want to hang out with someone you love and enjoy?

I set an intention during our yoga yesterday and carry it through today, love myself. And now I send it out to all of you.

April 30, 2017

Slow Down

As I write this, I’m sitting on a plane returning from a trip to Cancun that hel Cancun Beach ped me see life clearer. I’d never been there and on the way down, my husband and I talked about the activities we wanted to do, snorkeling, Chichen Itza, Tulum, Isla Mujeres…so many options! We chose to spend our arrival afternoon by the pool, enjoying the beautiful oceanside setting, amazing.

First day rolls around, and we’re TIRED! Exhausted really, like in a fog. Ok, so one more day by the pool, just to settle in. That afternoon, we cruised by the activities desk and signed up for 3 days’ worth of activities. The rest of the day cont
inued to be relaxing, and we even jumped into a Salsa lesson that night…Aye Aye!

Day two, what the heck? Still soooo tired! Even so, we ventured up the hotel row, did a litt skyrider cancun le flea market shopping, tried another hotel for lunch and then moseyed our way to the Sky Rider – a tandem para-sail type device that flew us high above the hotels and lagoon of Cancun. So beautiful! Got back to the hotel, exhausted, and chose to go to the pool again. By now, you’re getting the picture. We also signed up for a couples massage, yeah baby!

We did our big excursion on day three – Chichen Itza. It was amazing..a great tour with lots of history. We swam in a Cenote – an underground spring, and I was convinced I’d gotten younger! It was a loooong day though. 7 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. When we got back, I asked my husband if we could skip the excursions we planned for the rest of the week. He’s so awesome, he agreed. Truthfully, all I wanted to do was lay by the pool, sleep and read, basically just hang out with my husband.

The thing is, this may not seem like a big deal. But, I’ve always been wired to push, to stay active, to get the most out of every minute of every day. What I realized on this trip was that I’d been operating at a fairly high level of stress for a long time. As I decompressed, I noticed that I got more tired before I started to feel refreshed. It was an interesting awareness. Sort of like when you do a detox of your body, sometimes you feel worse before you feel better because the toxins have to leave your body. That’s how it was with stress. The decompression comes in stages and the tiredness you’ve suppressed catches up to you.

When Jenga we were getting our hot stone massage, so delightful by the way, I prayed to hear God’s will. That is what I meditated on. Loud and clear what came to me was to SLOW DOWN. And that word stuck with me. I run through life so quickly that sometimes I don’t take the time to slow down and really enjoy it.

So…here’s how the trip played out…laid by the pool, played bingo, read a couple books, we took Samba lessons, rediscovered our mad Connect Four and Jenga skills (32 level tower thank you very much), watched a circus-like performance and karaoke, met wonderful people, slept…and worked on relaxing. I can say that all-inclusive was the way to go, it also had the benefit of allowing us to have to make very few decisions…like…eggs? omelet? pancakes? That was a tough one. Not having to make a lot of decisions helped the relaxing. Everything we needed was at our fingertips, the staff was amazing, it’s the only way to travel!

I wished we could have stayed until I was tired of being on vacation, but that day didn’t come. What I know is that slowing down may be my focus for the rest of the year. Finding ways to have more meaningful experiences instead of ones I only get the cliff notes version of. I’d encourage you to look at your own life, your own stress level. Just because you may be good at managing stress doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Your body, your emotions, possibly your relationships all pay the price. Is there something you need to let go of, a shift you need to make to find more fulfillment in the aspects of life that matter? Want to talk about it? You know where to find me. I’m here, with more time for what matters, which is helping you, helping me, find the most fulfillment and purpose out of the time we have so that we can truly engage with those we love and care about.

April 23, 2017

Reconciliation…not a destination

fullsizerender A couple nights ago, we had the opportunity to spend a wonderful evening with family. Part of our family is the minister who served for more than 25 years at my Dad’s church and his wife. They have become part of our family and been with us through many of the ups and downs life brings. He talked with my husband and I about our reconciliation, one which we recently celebrated by re-marrying.

I was thinking this morning about that conversation, and reconciliation. One of the parts that stands out to me is that reconciliation is just a step. So, stop there for a minute. When you think about reconciliation in general, I don’t think I’m alone in looking at it as the destination. Whether it be in a marriage, a friendship, or with someone in your family, doesn’t really matter. You go down a path where you and the other person are at odds about something, at such odds, in fact, that the bond you had between you first crumbles, and then dissolves. You come apart. And the time it takes you to work through it, to reconcile, can vary. Could take hours, days, longer, or it may never happen, it may be permanent.

Other times though, you do work through it. Maybe together, or maybe separately and then together. Your heart desires to come back together, to move past whatever it was that caused you to come apart in the first place. You reconcile.

And for many, the “reconciliation” is the ultimate goal. It’s what you have your eye on as the prize. You don’t look beyond it because all you really wanted to do is come back together. But if this is where you land, where you stop in your journey, you haven’t really arrived. Think about it. You’re back together, but chances are, you’re in the same place you left off. You reconcile, or restore, to what you previously knew. Except, that’s the state you were in when things fell apart. You’re together, but not necessarily closer.

What was shared with us is that the point, particularly in marriage, is to continue to grow closer together. Not to stay loosely holding hands, but to tighten the grip. Grow together. Deepen the marriage, friendship, family connection. It could first look like you focusing on the other person rather than yourself. Wanting them to be happy. Over time, hopefully, it will become more about “us” than solely about the other. That’s part of growth. That’s making whatever the relationship is stronger. It’s putting in the time and effort that mirrors your commitment. It’s not always easy, but growing closer together is part of the plan.

Staying at the point of reconciliation may be easy, but it’s precarious. It’s easy to knock off it’s foundation since you were at that place when you came apart. I encourage you to think about the areas of your own life where you might look to reconciliation as the end game. But it’s not the end. Growth together, towards another person…that’s the good stuff. And if something holds you back, don’t presume it’s the other person’s fault. More likely is that it’s within you. Figure it out. If you need help, find someone to help you, whether it be a trusted, objective friend, a counselor, or a coach (like me). But get help to look at your own stuff so that you can keep moving forward…drawing closer to “us.” That place? It’s a moving target, but one worth striving for.