Be Kind Archives - Page 9 of 13

March 26, 2017

Something to talk about

Lost in Translation Have you ever landed in this situation? You’re having a conversation with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, friend… and quicker than you can blink, your good discussion takes a nose dive into bickering. Pinging each other back and forth, jabs, maybe a tear or twenty, ugh. What happened???

Not that anything like that has ever happened to me (audible throat clearing)… but I have been thinking about how two people, who arguable want the same thing – to get along – so easily take the plunge into bickering and hurt feelings. The truth of it is that there are actually four of you in that conversation. You, your spouse (or another innocent bystander), your ego and their ego. Yep. As soon as one of you says something that your ego takes sideways, it’s on and cracking. And in no time at all, the other person’s ego takes over too.

What if you chose a different way? What if you consciously said to yourself before your conversation that you know the other person has your best interest at heart, and what if you believed it? Ok…marinate on that for a minute.

So there are things you say that start the slide, but inevitably, other factors come into play. When we think about how we communicate, most of us know it’s not just our words. Here are a couple that get me into trouble. Tone and facial expressions. I don’t think I have tone, but have been told I do…more than once…this week. I TRY not to have tone but I’m not Siri. It just happens. Now, that’s not an excuse but, man, it’s a tough one. But tone can take the innocent comment and make it criticism, or mocking in a heartbeat. I could wish the other person was “tone deaf” but somehow that never seems to happen, and I bet it doesn’t happen in your situations either.

Now for the facial expressions. Any of you who know me are probably laughing right now. Am I happy? Look at my face. Sad? Again, the face. Mad, irritated confused, sad…face, face, face, face. It seems to involuntarily become a flashing neon sign of how I’m feeling, whether I say anything or not. I’d like to call it one of the things that makes me quirky, and it is. But again, when trying to have a healthy conversation, it can severely mess me up. I’ve tried before to deny the emotion when called on it, but that usually falls pretty flat.

We have a lot of opportunities each day to practice our communication, and some count more than others. Go back to the ego for a minute. If you were successful in doing a gut check on where yours’ is, you may have found that it has a mind of it’s own. Combine that with tone, facial and body expressions and your actual words and you can either foster a great, healthy, relationship building conversation, or you can end up frustrated, mad, sad…you name it.

What if, today, you started checking in with yourself and took inventory of the ways you communicate? The non-verbal ways. Think about what you may want to change, and how committed you are to making that change. If it’s important and you’re committed, stop for a minute and write down three things you will commit to that will change the way you communicate. And then? Start practicing.

My final thought is back to intent. Remember, you and the other person want the same thing, to have a good conversation, do your part to make it happen.

March 12, 2017

What to do with self-awareness

Take-A-Small-Step-Everyday I’ve been thinking about self-awareness. The journey to self discovery that a lot of us go on at some point in our lives. Why we do it can be different for everyone. It could be a traumatic event, realizing that the way you interact in relationships isn’t working so well, feedback someone you care about gives you, breakups, health scares, turning…ahem…50…maybe, you get it, lots of reasons.

However you get there, here’s how it typically goes. You realize that something isn’t working for you, for whatever reason. So you start thinking about it. Maybe you journal about it. Talk to a trusted friend about it, or a family member…although the family member may be part of the issue, so you maybe you steer away from that…but you find a person, and you talk, you process.

As you go through processing, there are a lot of ways you can look at your situation.

Woe is me, my world is collapsing…

You could get angry…you’re being treated unfairly…it’s someone else’s fault

Maybe you start to understand but try to justify or rationalize what you’re working through

Or you could think about other people, wanting to change for them, to change their experience with you

You may get to a place where you work through your own issues and connect to others…maybe

These are some of the ways you might process. And while awareness is awesome, you have to watch out for the snow snake. What?? The snow snake is something I remember from being a kid. You’re skiing down the hill, rock star, next thing you know, you’ve got a yard sale in the middle of the slope. Your skis are off, a tangled mess because you went down, hard. Not sure why? Must’ve been a snow snake…reached up and got you. That’s the thing with awareness, it’s important not to get stuck in it, not get taken down by the snow snake and end up in a swirling mess, beating yourself up. Self-awareness, at the figuring out level is good, it’s healthy, it helps you work through issues, understand yourself, but it’s not a place to get stuck.

If you can take your awareness and use it to move yourself forward, to change and make your life better, or more fulfilling, make your relationships thrive, that’s the ticket. Awareness is great, it’s important, but you can be the most self-aware person in the world and still be unhappy, still feel stuck. Instead, think about how you can use it to move yourself forward.

Think about where you want to be, your desired state of being, and how you’re going to get there. What would be ideal? What’s acceptable? What’s in the middle? Create a plan around those. What can you do this week. Break it up into chunks. Want to improve your relationship with your partner? What’s one thing you can do this week? Making a shift in your career? Again, what’s that one thing you can do this week to move forward, and then build on that.

My challenge to you this week is move forward. Take your healthy awareness, and look at where you want to see shifts in your life. All you have to do to start changing is one thing. What will it be for you?

March 5, 2017

Getting to your new life

brave-new-life I’ve been on a kick with Brian Andres’ art. Truthfully, it’s less the art and more the words. He has such a simple way of saying things that impact me. Words that perfectly state what I’m already thinking about. I recently wrote about choosing your path forward and the values that drive you. So his words in this piece spoke to me.

There’s another side to it though, one that sets up road blocks for me on a regular basis, fear. I am not a therapist but some days feel like I could play one on TV. One of the things I know is that sometimes, people (and when I say people, yes, that includes me), are presented with a new way of approaching life, or their decisions. And they may move down that new path, but then find themselves going back to the old way they did things. The old way may include pain, or difficulty. But they know it. They know how to operate in that zone, they know it won’t kill them.

So how do you break out of that cycle? How do you ditch your getaway car, your contingency plan? For good.

Honestly, it’s tricky. It takes a conscious effort. In my own experience I’ve circled back more times than I care to say. In my “new life” I require myself to be authentic…shoot, I’m still figuring out what that really is for me…to speak truth, to be brave. I knew I needed a constant reminder to be brave, so I tattoo’d it on my wrist, no kidding. Going back to the old ways I didn’t like but knew wouldn’t kill me, the old dance routine that I knew the moves to, that would be easy. The new life isn’t always easy.

So how to continue stepping forward? Get clarity. That part is easier said than done sometimes. Take a minute and think about your values. The ones you’ve identified as important in your life. Now take a second look. Are your values based on what’s important to you or instead, a fear? Here’s what I mean. Take responsibility. Big value of mine, big big. But if I’m truthful, although responsibility is a good thing, I think I gravitate to it because of the fear of being irresponsible. Irresponsibility, in my mind, is bad, shameful, says that I’m a bad person. Whether it does or doesn’t is immaterial, really, it’s what I tell myself.

If you start to think about your values, and are truthful with yourself in identifying what drives them, it will help with clarity. Fear is something that can crop up in a lot of unsuspecting ways, this is just one of them. When you have clarity about why you’re making decisions, why you’re choosing the brave new life, it’ll make it easier to sell off your getaway car. I won’t say I’m 100% there, but I can say I’m a lot closer. I have buyers for my getaway car. I’ve dipped more than my toe in the new life and am ready to jump in.

How about it? Ready to really ditch your getaway car, to be brave? You don’t have to tattoo it on your wrist, but whatever it is that helps you keep looking forward, for the right reasons, get that thing. That’s my challenge to you. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Whatever tools you need, whether it be a symbol, a person, or something else, do it. The new life awaits!

February 26, 2017

Who defines your world?

This fragile-world second half of life thing, all that comes with it, rears up on me regularly. I’m now happy to “sleep in” to 5:30 a.m., a time that, when my son was a baby, I thought was the middle of the night. The aches and pains are more regular… When did that happen?? I could go on and on. But that’s not the second half stuff I’m focused on today. I’ve talked about one of my favorite artist/writer/ poets Brian Andres before. Love his stuff, love the picture I got today in my email.

I don’t know that I’ve lived as though the world is fragile. But what I have done is tread lightly through life. Afraid to make mistakes. As though everyone’s balance in life depended on what I was doing. Like I had that much control. Balancing everyone else’s expectations, desires, needs above my own. And for me that’s a fragile balance. I “promised to remember as long as I could.”

This is where the second half comes in. I realized it’s not my job to maintain this fragile balance.

For any of us, the more we work to maintain other people’s balance, the less we maintain our own. It can result in living with a lot of fear, fear that the balance will be disrupted and that we’ll have to make everything right again, which can be exhausting. But we don’t. We were not created to meet everyone else’s expectations, God created each of us for our own purpose. It likely involves helping others, but you have understand yourself first.

The thing is, a lot of us have been told that focusing on ourselves is selfish. And truthfully, it can be. There’s a difference though between “it’s all about me,” and “who am I? what do I want?” A lot of women I know approach the second half after spending their lives maintaining that fragile balance for everyone else. In doing that though, they find they’ve lost steam, they’ve lost touch with who they are. When you reach that tipping point, your ability to be there for others diminishes quickly. There’s a reason they tell you on airplanes to secure your own oxygen mask before securing others’.

I know. I’ve been there. And I’m taking a different approach on the second half. It’s been work that I haven’t done alone. Discovering what my purpose is, what God’s purpose is for me in this second half, has been the result of slowing down, of having someone who pushed back on me, caused me to look at what’s important.

Could you answer that question? What’s important for you? Could you share your top values? Bigger question…are you living in alignment with those values? I encourage you to take some time, list your top 5-10 values, and then rate yourself on how you’re doing in those areas. If you find that you’re not in alignment, get out of your head for a minute and check in with your heart. How do you feel about it? Incorporate both your head, heart and what your gut tells you and make a shift.

That fragile world? You may have been remembering to walk carefully, but forgotten yourself along the way. Whether you’re in the second half or not, you can make a change. Live authentically, in line with your values and the world won’t be so fragile. Your true self, your “on purpose” self? The world isn’t fragile for you, it’s exactly as it’s supposed to be.

February 12, 2017

The Next Step

believe-in-yourself Over the last few days, I’ve found myself filled with a high level of frenetic energy. Why? I don’t know. Ok, slight cop-out there. I think I know but instead of taking another step forward, my brain wants to stall. Not necessarily take the one step back, but forward? What will that look like? Am I good enough? The doubts threaten to spill over like water in the rivers and lakes around me so full from rain.

After a lot of hard work, I’m about 3 hours of work away from my coaching certification. And with that, I can feel the shift in my life coming. That’s what’s behind all this. Being in my class has provided a sense of safety because I had mountains of coursework to work through. Now that all that is virtually done, I’m on my own again. Having to make decisions instead of conquering what’s presented to me. That? The challenge? I’m really good at that. Overcoming, pushing forward…I have ninja skills for that.

But the ‘what’s next’? That produces the frenetic energy. I’m not sure what to do with that energy. In the past, I haven’t had a lot of doubt about that part. Give me the challenge and I’m great. Blank canvas? Yikes.

Except this time, I know it doesn’t have to be like that.

I tend to make life hard. But it doesn’t have to be. In reality, life can be easy, happiness can be easy. And I don’t mean cop-out easy, I mean I have the abilities to press forward if I just shift the way I look at situations. In the past, I may have considered myself to be at the effect of what was happening “to” me. I now know it’s a choice to be in that space, that energy.

I have talked to a lot of my friends who have subscribed to the same thought pattern. This is one of those cases though where there isn’t strength in numbers. So how to move forward? I’ve learned that creating another mountain to conquer isn’t the answer. That’s what I’ve done before. Another goal, another accomplishment, all to prove to myself that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to. I’ve created my own battles.

God created me, created you, for a great purpose. Stepping into that, not creating hurdles, is the opportunity. We weren’t created with conditions. My “master plan,” did not read “Lisa will have an awesome life after she”… fill in the blank. I’ve filled in the blank over and over, and what I finally realize is that the blank was never there in the first place. Life doesn’t happen “to me,” life doesn’t have to be one big challenge. Thankfully, I’ve had coaches who’ve helped me realize that. I’ve said before, it’s a strength to realize Print when you need help. And this is one of those areas I, and others (maybe you), need help.

The struggle is not real, my friends. I got help stepping off the struggle bus and into the life I was created for. Although stepping back on the bus is appealing at times, that’s only because it’s “familiar.” Familiar doesn’t mean good. I’m choosing to continue stepping forward. Two steps will become more. They can become more for you too, it’s your choice, on the bus or off? If you want off, contact me and I’ll share how coaching can help you find your own steps forward and into the life you were created for.

February 5, 2017

Grace wins…every time

engaged Getting out of my own way…pretty sure that’s the alternate title for what I want to share today. Over the last 16+ months, I’ve been working to figure out me. Who I am, who did God create me to be, what is my purpose, what brings me passion…it’s been painful, and joyful and amazing. I’ve been surrounded by amazing women who have walked with me for parts of the journey, and I’ve gotten great counsel. Some of that counsel has been rough to hear, but I’ve been listening.

Last summer, I felt God was leading me to enroll in a coaching certification class. The day I walked in, I knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. What I could not have foreseen is where that would lead.

One of the great parts of being in a coaching class is that you are coached, every week. As I started through that process and worked through examining the “deep dive into the dark corners of my life,” as I like to call it, I started to see things differently. This is where it gets really interesting, so sit down.

My husband, Jeff, and I divorced last year. It’s something I chose. That’s painful to say. Those of you who are married know it is hard work. In my mind, at that time, I’d thought I’d done the work, and it wasn’t better. I knew Jeff was doing the work too, but I was stuck in my mind. And so, eyes focused, or so I thought, I moved forward. But even as painful as it was, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Over time, I healed…and I kept praying…for him and for guidance. I read, I got counselling…still stuck and not knowing why I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Feeling love for him again.

And then I started the coaching program. In the past I’d always focused on Jeff, ways I felt hurt, and couldn’t see how he could possibly claim I’d hurt him. But then I did. It was like a punch in the gut, blinders off. My awesome coach pushed back on me, in a good way. She helped me really put the mirror up and see Jeff’s perspective. Like a snowball going downhill, I could see it more and more. And I knew I had to tell him that I could see how I hurt him. Not an easy task since we hadn’t talked in months. Not to mention that not so good friend of mine, pride (pride is no one’s friend!) was trying to convince me otherwise. So I wrote him a letter and asked to see him, that I had stuff to talk about. By God’s grace, he agreed. We had dinner and for probably one of the first times, I was truly vulnerable with him. And God took over. He had prepared me for tough conversation. For owning my stuff. For seeing how I’d been no slice of cake. Jeff was understandably wary, but he listened. And we kept talking.

It’s been close to 6 months now since that initial conversation. As I continued my class and coaching, I was able to approach Jeff differently. From a perspective of we instead of me vs. him, able to see his side. And I know he’s done a lot of work to approach me differently, I see it, I feel it. He’s been amazing. We’ve walked these last 6 months together. And God is doing what I would have thought would be impossible, healing both of us.

So when I say I got out of my way, that’s exactly what happened. I stopped trying to figure it out and let God use others, use my coach and all I was learning in my class, to really BE in the relationship with Jeff. And when I got out of the way, what happened? Grace won. We are getting married again. It’s is amazing and awesome and a gift from God. We are stronger, and open…and I know that I can lean into the relationship and trust him. I married an amazing man, and now, through grace…and by getting out of my way…I get to do it again (cue fireworks and confetti dropping from the ceiling).

I didn’t do this by myself, in fact, all “I” did was realize I didn’t have it all figured out and was open to what and who God put in my path. Family, girlfriends and the awareness from coaching all helped prepare me so that God, Jeff and I could reconcile and restore Print . Jeff showed me grace and mercy and it’s been amazing.

I share this story because I don’t know where you are today. But wherever that place is, however stuck you might feel, however defeated you think you are, there is hope. And you don’t have to do it alone. If you want someone to walk by your side, to be your mirror, I’ll do that for you, because I know how important and impactful it is. I know that when you lean in and trust, grace wins…every time.

January 29, 2017

Speak from your heart

when-your-heart-speaks Think of a conversation you’ve recently had, one you walked away from thinking “what just happened?” You may have gone into it with the best of intentions, but it went sideways in a heartbeat. Remember what you thought…how it made you feel…and the way you felt in your body as you walked away. Did you feel an ache or tightness in your chest, or in your gut, or did your neck feel tight?

Now think about a conversation that you’ve had where you ended feeling amazing. It flowed effortlessly, felt light, peaceful, freeing. You may have felt warmness in your body, joy in your heart, your mind didn’t have to think much because of how easily it flowed. It was with the same person, but completely different outcome.

What made the difference? You, that’s what made the difference. It may not seem that easy, but it is. Into every conversation we can choose what we bring with us. Are you bringing your assumptions and beliefs about yourself and the other person? Likely you are. The thing is, so is the other person, but the only one you can do anything about is you. And that’s not always an easy pill to swallow. We tell ourselves that we have a right to feel what we do, to defend ourselves, to really be heard, and when that doesn’t happen, we can become frustrated (which is really just a code word for angry). And at that point, it’s game on. We’re no longer listening, we’re acting from a place of fear, or hurt. The reason? Only you know that, but those limiting thoughts are all of a sudden directing traffic in your head, leading you to make statements or comments that most likely lead the conversation off the cliff.

But take a deep breath for a minute. Think about the conversation that went well. I had a conversation recently that could have gone either way. It was with someone I cared about, but we’d had a conversation that didn’t go well in the past, for either of us. This time, I approached it from a place of seeking to understand. To openly share my heart, to receive the information shared without judgement. To connect at a heart level and listen, not defend. It was amazing! I’m finding that when I can connect like that the outcome is always better than when I pre-script in my head. Pre-scripting is based on assumptions and basically sabotages the conversation because I tend to go down the path I already had in mind, versus staying present in the moment.

What I’m finding is that when I can stay present, when I travel light, without my fancy baggage, or my script…when I lead from my heart…it’s so much better than anything I would have dreamed up on my own. My head…thinking…that gets in the way of my heart. And my heart has a lot to say. I’ll bet yours does too. It’s not always easy to stay con Print nected to your heart, because your head wants to protect it. It tells you to defend, to stay safe, to stay away from harm…but those thoughts are limiting.

The next time you find yourself writing the script, the screenplay…take a breath. Listen to your heart. Connect with the other person, listen to their heart, remember that feeling you had when you walked away feeling light, at peace. At the core of it, you and your friend, your spouse, your family member both want the same thing. You both want to connect. So do it, use your memory of the amazing conversation and recreate that! Be open…be present…be brave…your heart knows the way.

January 22, 2017

How will you hit a curve ball?

trust-the-process I’ve been going through a class, really to call it a class is an understatement, a program, a transformation, to become a certified professional coach. It’s been six months of hard work and incredible rewards through personal growth and the development of lifelong friendships with people who I shared this journey with. But it’s almost over. Today is the last day of live classes and then it’s just a matter of cleaning up loose strings and putting a bow on it.

And I’m full of anxiety.

What’s that about? This is what I’ve been asking myself…and my coaching friends…and our facilitator…

Know what I’m going through?

brian-andres Many years ago, my mother gave me a wall sculpture from the Brian Andres Story People collection. I love Brian Andres’ art because it just makes me happy. It’s art combined with words. On the piece she gave me, it said, “Impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they’ll shut up about how they understand exactly what she’s going through.” And I loved it! I felt it captured my essence perfectly. I’ve felt that way a long time, like no one really knew what I was going through. I may not have said it was a badge of honor but ok…maybe.

The truth is, if people didn’t know me, it because I didn’t really let them. Even the ones who really wanted to. I kept parts of myself hidden. I wouldn’t really share what I thought, or what I felt. That seemed scary. I mean, if they really knew me, would they still like me? Still want to be around me? So, parts of me were reserved, or were modified, were dialed down.

The problem with not letting myself be known, not letting others know what I’m going through, is that the person they became friends with, or loved, wasn’t really me. And over time, the disconnect becomes exhausting, except by then people didn’t know the ‘real’ me. Plus, I couldn’t really lean on others, because when I showed a different side of myself, maybe the real side of myself, it confused them. They didn’t know what to do with me.

Over the last year plus, I’ve been going through a process of really figuring out who that “me” is. I’d kind of lost sight of who I really was or wanted to be. That’s looked like trying her out, stretching, leaning into the gifts, talents and strengths God gave me from the beginning. Not the ones I’d thought were so important. And it’s been ok. In fact, it’s been amazing. I’ve discovered an authentic, true, whole sense of myself. And some of those close to me are seeing it, and really knowing me, and leaning in, not away.

So a couple weeks ago, I looked at that piece of art that I’d loved and thought “that doesn’t define me anymore.” And I took it down. I don’t know what I’ll do with it yet Print , but that’s not me. I want to be known, I want others to know what I’m going through. I wa
nt to share me and have others share themselves with me.

We should all want that. If you feel like you’re not really known, like you walk around holding a mask, or have a different version of yourself you let people see, what would it look like if you let go of that? For me, it took some coaching, someone else to push back on me with questions that made me think. Made me look at my own truths. And then one day, it finally sank in, and I had peace. So my question is, in what part of your life would you like to feel like that? What are you willing to do to get there? If you want to make a change, let me know. I’d love to help you get there.

January 8, 2017

On being a princess

be-brave-be-bold Being a princess, it’s many little girls’ dream, right? For me, it would be about the dress, the fancy, the luxury, the elegance of it all. The dream of it is how I would feel in the moment. Peace, joy, love, feeling like I matter…the self-worth thing. The princess part is just a bonus, it’s a life of ease, in my story it would be free of conflict, of pain, of anxiety and stress. Don’t we all want that? It might look different to you than it does to me, but it’s still there, it’s the ideal, the perfect life.

But life isn’t perfect. None of us are perfect…me at the top of the list. The princess life looks perfect, but I would imagine it’s not, it just looks that way. And so we aspire to something that’s not even real, because the princess is a person, a not perfect person like the rest of us.

And yet, what if we could have our ideal life in spite of ourselves? In spite of our missteps, our mistakes, of the things that make us people, quite honestly. I think we can, and we can by understanding that we’re not perfect. That we’re imperfect, that others are imperfect, and we’re all doing the best we can. I believe God made us that way, and He is the only one who is perfect.

So what would it look like, that perfect life of yours? How can you start living it today? What is holding you back? Well, one thing that holds us back is the past. All the crap, quite honestly, that has happened in life, that we keep bringing into the present. The pain, resentment, angst… you know, the life you’ve been living. What good is that doing you today? To get to the life you want today, you have to make a choice to bring forward the lessons, the wisdom, but not the baggage from the past. Too often we recreate the past pain in our heads over and over and it keeps us from the life we want today. So, step one, look at the story book in your mind, if you need to, write the stories down, and then get rid of them. Give them up. They don’t serve you anymore.

Now look at your life today. What feelings do you want to have today? What is going to bring those feelings into your life? Me? I still visualize the princess life. But in my story, the princess isn’t perfect and that’s ok. Part of being happy in the present is learning to stop judging behaviors, thoughts, actions as right and wrong. That’s not my job. It’s not any of our jobs. Judgement is about the stuff inside of us, not about other people. I know for myself, I catch myself judging right and wrong, good and bad. That’s something I’m choosing to ditch. It’s a lot of work and it doesn’t move me, or my relationships with others, forward. Judging myself is just beats me up. What good does that do? None. Step two, look at the feelings you want, think about them, pray, meditate about them, and create those in your life.

The glass slipper, the sudden transformation into the princess life? Prince Char Print ming? It’s a story. In our lives, we have to make the choice to bring what we want into our lives. We create our own stories, our own paths, our own lives. Those paths look different for everyone, and that’s not only ok, it’s awesome. Create your own story, your own awesomeness. If I can do it, and I’m working on it, you can too. And if you want help, that’s ok too. Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else be your mirror, to reflect back to you what your inner wisdom already knows. Asking for help is not weakness, it’s strength, it’s a reflection of your desire to create the life you want. If you’re reading this and want that “mirror,” that help, reach out to me, be brave. As a coach, I don’t have the answers, you do, but I can help you discover them and move towards the life you want, that feeling you want, and you can have it today.