Coaching Archives - Page 21 of 21

December 4, 2016

Whose story are you writing?

wondering I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about a relationship she’s in. Our conversation had a lot of, “I wonder if he…why doesn’t he…if only he…” pondering really about what was going on in the other person’s mind and wishing that their behavior and thinking was what we thought it “should” be. Wouldn’t that make things a lot easier? If, in any relationship, the other person behaved according to plan, our plan? The way we think they should respond? Of course it would.

But that’s not how it works. After musing about this for a few minutes, she shared with me a piece of wisdom she’d recently received on the topic. Don’t write his side of the story. Just let that sink in for a minute.

How often do we do that in relationships? Whether it be romantic, friends, co-workers, we often expect others to behave, to respond, in the way we would respond. We play the scene out in our head and when it doesn’t play out like we expect, we’re disappointed. And then the fun really starts. We start assigning meaning to how they’re “not” responding. Unloving, uncaring, disconnected, disrespectful, uninterested. Our imagination takes a death spiral. And now, possibility with another person becomes futile in our minds.

What if we chose a different approach? What if instead of getting a Pulitzer for telling their side of the story, we chose instead to just be in the moment? To only think about our side of the story? To not assign definitions to what we think is going on, what we think the other person is thinking. What would that look like?

Could look like freedom. Freedom from the negative feelings and thoughts that come from trying to predict what’s going on for the other person. Could look like taking responsibility for our own true thoughts and behaviors, ones that are not dictated by how we should respond to someone who is…fill in the blank… Because in reality, they’re probably doing nothing of the sort. If we decide that it’s ok to let go and not let our inner ego drive, you know, the one that says “you don’t deserve to be treated like that!” Treated like what??? The other person hasn’t done anything. You’re reacting to the story that you wrote.

So today my challenge is to stay focused on you. Let the other person write their side of the story. Chances are, it’ll have a much better ending than anything you could have dreamed.

November 20, 2016

Is time on your side?

running-time Time. Is there ever enough of it? I’ve become conscious of how much energy I spend managing my time. It’s crazy really. I have all this stuff in my head that I absolutely must get done. I allow myself to feel stressed out about it and then spend more time figuring out how to get it done. What I really want is to feel like I have all the time I need but that doesn’t seem to happen.

What if there was another way? If you had all the time you wanted, think about the possibilities! Right now, I’m stuck in feeling like time is something I fight against to get things done. I think the “things” dictate my day, not my decisions. What I’d like to do is get to stop stressing about it because that just causes me more anxiety and negative energy overall.

So what’s the plan, Lisa? Good question. First thing is to acknowledge that, in reality, there are very few things that actually “have” to get done. When I hold up the mirror, I’m looking for the personal value that’s driving my behavior. For me, I think my value of responsibility is calling the shots. Responsibility is fine when it’s used “for good not evil” as I like to say. But if the responsibility is due to a fear of what will happen if I’m not “responsible” it’s overstepped the boundary.

Back to the plan. What can I do, what can anyone do, to move to a reality where time really is “on our side,” not the common enemy? Make a list. Yeah, super simple, not brain surgery. But one thing I’ve learned recently is that the more stuff I try to hold in my head, the less space I have for creative things, activities that bring me energy. I’m not only managing my time, I’m managing all the stuff in my head. I’ve fought lists too, but am learning that I forget and then have to spend time working backwards until I remember what I was supposed to do, or miss stuff. So step 1, lists, I can do that today.

What about this week, what can I do this week? Thanksgiving is coming up. Lots to do, legitimately. But I can look at what needs to be done and determine if I’m actually the one who needs to do it. My son can make mashed potatoes. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. I can let some things go. Ok, step 2, let stuff go.

Looking farther out, what else, what would be a longer term goal – the ideal goal? Keep the lists, look at the pattern of how I’m spending time. Make decisions on what needs to stay and what can go. As part of that, resist the temptation to fill the time with more “stuff.” Instead, for me, I want to build in time to “just be.” To spend time in self-care, in relationship, with friends, with family. That time? Well that’s time well spent.

I don’t think my fight against time is uncommon, so if you’re facing a similar battle, look at these simple steps for yourself. What value is driving you? What can you do today? What will you do next week? What’s your longer term goal? It doesn’t have to be hard and if you start today, like I am, you’ll be rockin’ by Christmas! Time will be on your side.

November 6, 2016

Art of the Reframe

reframe-hands Perspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about it this week. I think it’s interesting that two people can have the same experience, yet come away with completely different interpretations about what happened. That’s part of the deal, interpretations. With each experience we bring our own interpretations about the “truth.” But the truth is tempered by what we’ve experienced in the past, our beliefs, what we’ve been through. Sometimes it makes it hard to see the another perspective.

The other perspective is helpful for a lot of different reasons. Let’s just say you’re stuck. Ok, maybe that’s just me. Having the ability to see your circumstance from another point of view can be extremely helpful. The other day, I was taking a look at my day to day work, thinking about the nature of what I do vs. what in my head I want to do. I had a conversation with someone whose opinion I trust about it. She pointed out aspects about the work I’m doing that I wasn’t seeing. Aspects that fell in line with exactly the qualities that I wanted to bring more of into my work. Reframe. She saw it from another perspective that I wasn’t seeing and shed light for me.

Or, I was talking with a trusted friend about achievement. I’m a high, high achiever. The great thing about being a high achiever is that you get a lot done, with a high degree of excellence. That’s the way you should do it, after all. The downside is that you never really feel, ok, maybe just me again, that you really ever achieve anything big because you’re doing what anyone should do in that situation. Except they don’t. Not everyone has that same internal wiring, that same drive, so what you’re doing could be extraordinary. So back to my friend, I mentioned how I was thinking about this and gave an example of when I walked a marathon last year. I had someone, whose opinion matters a lot to me, say “What, do you think you can’t walk 26 miles?” The way it was said registered to me as, of course you would, it’s not a big deal. My friend asked me if, in fact, that person could have made the statement from a position of belief. As in, Lisa can do anything she sets her mind to. Reframe. He showed me a different way to look at it that actually spoke to belief, not expectation.

The amazing thing about the reframe, the other perspective, is that it can shift you. It can take what you currently believe about an area of your life and shed new light on it. It’s awesome when you have people you trust who can do it, a friend, spouse or family member. It’s also something a coach can do with you. Something I feel fortunate to be learning in my coaching training. If I could only apply it to myself more often. That’s part of the deal too though, sometimes it takes someone outside of your head to look in and reframe for you. That said, I would encourage you to try it. In the midst of a circumstance that you wish could be different, take a deep breath and ask yourself “how else could I see this?” “What’s another way to look at that?” “How could I reframe it to move forward?” There’s no magic to it, but it IS a conscious choice. A choice that could move you forward in a more positive, empowered way. Try it. Or call me, I’d love to take that journey with you.

October 3, 2016

Lost and Found – Joy

Play it safe joy . One of Lisa’s cardinal rules. I think it started when I was fairly young. Limit risk, know what you’re getting into. Lots of contingency planning, back up plans. Before I get into anything, I’ve usually done extensive research, made sure I know how it could go wrong and make plans to avoid that. I don’t want to deal with things going wrong. I want things nice and buttoned up, within my control, that’s what safe looks like.

So how’s that working for you? Yep, that’s the question I’ve been rolling around in my head, that I’ve been asked. Well, nice and safe, that’s how that’s working. And on the surface, that seems fine, I had a lot going on with my kids, work, family, lots of responsibilities to tend to. So keeping my risks down makes a lot of sense. No time for things to go wrong. But they still did go wrong. And in the meantime, I’d been so busy playing it safe I hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that there wasn’t a lot of joy in my life. It’s hard to have joy where you’re busy being serious all the time.

And it’s also hard to really know what joy is when you don’t let yourself experience the other side, the pain. Staying safe avoids pain. Doesn’t mean you avoid difficulty, but safe steers you around a lot of pain. Don’t be fooled though, the pain can still come, it just comes unexpectedly. Comes when your safe existence is shaken, or shattered.

But if you walk through the pain, when, not if, you survive it, an interesting thing can happen. You start to see more joy, at least I did. Something about the pain strips away your defenses. When I let myself be outside the lines, not be so safe, I starting seeing joy. Joy in the simple things. Joy in every day. Joy that God has had for me all along. I started feeling deeper. My heart felt more compassion for others, more understanding.

When I stopped playing it so safe, that’s when I woke up. That’s when I saw what I’d really been doing. Where the path I’d been walking down had led me. It caused me to rethink choices I’d made, ways I’d engaged with people I cared about. And I didn’t like some of what I saw. But I’d learned what pain felt like now, and it helped me to be brave. I had hard conversations. And there was some pain, because admitting when you’ve made mistakes – even when in the spirit of just staying safe, which you’ve used to justify what you’ve done in the past – it hard.

What’s the point of going down that hard path again? The once elusive joy now shows up more and more often. The braver I am, the more I lean into discomfort, the more joy and peace I’m experiencing. And that is an amazing thing. Give it a try!

July 30, 2016

Moving past the clutter

Last weekend I was in the San Francisco Bay Area for the first module of iPEC’s Coaching Certification training. An awesome weekend where I experienced a sense that what I was doing, learning, experiencing, was on track with my gifts, talents and the purpose God has for my life. I came home on a high that lasted all week – gotta love that!

As I always do, I think a lot about life, even in the midst of my training. Didn’t hurt that because we practiced coaching throughout the course, I felt like I was in therapy all weekend – I thought my brain would explode. On Sunday morning, I left my hotel early for a walk along the Bay Bridge Trail which I’d discovered on Saturday, it’s my favorite way to start the day! I love new adventures and I think it’s super cool to walk over the Bay. I’ve done it on the Golden Gate Bridge, so the Bay Bridge was calling me.

I had about an hour and a half to walk so I could get back and ready in time for class. No sweat (well, there was sweating), 6 miles-ish and that would certainly get me at least halfway across the bridge from where I started. One of the things I was excited about was walking on the new span of bridge that opened a couple years ago. Off I went and after making my way through the maze under the freeway I was on the bridge. If you don’t live around here, you may not know that after they opened the bridge, the next project was to take down the old bridge. It’s a steel, ugly thing that now is cluttered with equipment used in deconstructing it.

So there I was, on the bridge, walking, walking, walking. Seriously, when was I going to move past the old bridge and have an unobstructed view from the new span? Cut to the chase, I didn’t. I ran out of time and had to turn back.

And that was ok. But here’s what ran through my head. My life is on a new the bridge, so to speak. I finally feel like I’m on a path to live out my passion, my desire to help other people, to help them move their lives closer to where they want it to be. Making choices instead of letting life just happen to me. But as I walk on that new path, the bright and shiny path, I’m not free from the clutter of my life thus far. Granted, I’m making progress, a lot of it, but it’s still there. Occurred to me that it’s like the Bay Bridge. The new span is beautiful and you can walk on it, enjoy it, experience it, but at the same time, you have to deal with the deconstruction of the old span. They’re making progress on it, just like I’m making progress in my own life, but it’s not gone yet, even in the midst of finding my purpose.

I’m going to get there, I know I am, but it can’t be rushed, it’s on its own time schedule, God’s time schedule. Trying to move it any faster will just frustrate me, I don’t have control of the timing. But unlike my walk on the bridge, I won’t turn around. I’ve made a choice to move forward, and my clutter will be there for a while, truth is, even once I clear out the old stuff, more will appear. That’s part of the deal and it’s ok.

I’d enourage anyone moving through change, and truthfully, isn’t that all of us in one way or another, to think about the bridge. To not lose sight of the fact that you’re on the new span – celebrate the fact that you’re on the new span. The old is still there, but you’re making progress. It’s one step at a time, enjoy the walk.