Category: Face the fear

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Be brave in the moment

Marie CurieI recently spoke at a one-day summit sponsored by the Willow Creek Association addressing #metoo & the church. The topics of the summit ranged from abuse and the church’s response to creating a path forward for men and women to thrive working and doing life together. I spoke on preventing sexual harassment in the workplace, which, compared to some of the other topics, felt light and breezy. The summit was recorded for distribution to churches and non-profit sites throughout the U.S. and Internationally. We’ve seen that the church is not immune from congregants and staff who can say #metoo, the topics addressed were critical for understanding and moving forward.

Prior to the event, there was a speaker’s dinner. A chance to get to know the people I’d be sharing the stage with and talk through a few logistics. Pastors, a psychologist, justice advocates, actresses …basically, amazing, intelligent, well-versed people. People who are fighting for the rights of women and children. As I sat among them, a not un-familiar feeling crept up on me. What…am…I…doing…here??? Seriously. My evenings are spent binge watching Parks and Recreation and going to bed by 8:30. I said as much to my boss/friend who was on the trip with me for moral support. We laughed and laughed.

Let me name it. I was experiencing a strong case of Imposter Syndrome. It’s a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite evidence to the contrary. In that moment, I was thankful I’ve been “doing my work,” understanding my emotions and reactions and where they are coming from. The girl inside of me who feels uncertain that I have anything worth saying was front and center in that moment. The one who wonders if she’s getting it right, who looks to others to be the authority rather than herself. The one who feels small. That girl.

Nonetheless, I pressed forward the day of the event with as much confidence as I had within me. Knowing that I had God on my side, my inner guide. Afterwards, I marveled at what everyone else had shared, and downplayed my own piece. Because, that girl inside me also wrestles with foreboding joy. It’s a self-protecting move where, when something joyful happens, I start planning on being hurt, or disappointed, or have it not turn out as expected. (Brene Brown – Dare to Lead) I plan ahead, with an underlying fear of disappointment. I recognize that I’ve done it throughout my life. Waiting. Knowing that plans could change, joyful moments could be dashed, yanked away. And as a strategy to survive I started anticipating the joyful moment not being followed through. I can trace it back and know where it comes from, but the feeling is real today, despite evidence to the contrary.

The interesting thing about my internal wrestle, both with feeling I was out of my league and foreboding joy, was that I knew I was in the ring fighting it out. I was witnessing my own emotions and feelings and was able to call them out. While I might not have fully believed it, I told myself that I was there because I had something to say. That after nearly 30 years in my field, I know a thing or two, and my voice has value. I also directed myself to lean into the experience and enjoy it. The joy of connecting with tremendous people, the hope of sharing my voice in the future.

Being able to name what I was feeling was powerful. It didn’t make it go away, but it allowed me to confront it head on, to know the name of what I was wrestling with. I didn’t let the emotions take me down. I leaned it, trusted God, and spoke. Granted, my topic wasn’t earth shattering, but needed. And if it has impact on a few people, I’ve done my job.

What feelings do you need to call by name?  Maybe wrestle with? They’re different for each of us but when you can lean in, fight it out with yourself, you will come out stronger on the other side. Be brave friends, I’m on the same journey you are.

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Honor the peace in your heart

lordbyron1I am an Enneagram Nine. If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, a rudimentary explanation would be that it is a personality typing system that “types” people based on one of nine roles they usually play. It’s far more complex and layered than that, but that’s the “in a nutshell” version.

The Nine is a Peacemaker, they seek reconciliation. That is me. I have played out much of my life with an aversion to conflict. I physically feel conflict in my body, it is not my desired state. I think back to my poor children. If there was any looming conflict between us, I’d want to talk it through, so we could be done with it an move on. 15-year-old boys don’t want to talk it through with their mom. I was relentless.

Tell me what’s wrong… Tell me what’s wrong…Tell me what’s wrong…

Eventually they’d say, we’d talk it through, done. Moving on.

But I recognize that averting conflict or addressing and moving on isn’t always possible. Truthfully, it’s not always appropriate. Conflict doesn’t have to be difficult, but as a Nine, it doesn’t come easy for me.

The Peacemaker in me explains my historical tendency to “go along to get along.” I know there have been times when I have chosen not to engage because the desire to keep the peace was stronger.

I also recognize that there is an inner voice telling me not to make waves. The voice that also tells me if I speak up I might be disliked or cast aside. I might not belong if I make waves. That’s my inner gremlin – trying to keep me “safe,” but in reality, it only keeps me small.

We all have that voice. What it tells us may be different, but it picks away at your confidence, your strength. You are not enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not brave enough, no one cares what you have to say. It tears you down and keeps you small.

Not fully stepping into the life God gave each of us to live. Because of what? Because we’re afraid that we won’t be loved if we live as our true self?

What I know is that staying small isn’t the plan. It’s not my purpose. And it’s not any of our plans. Because each of us has something important to say. We are not meant to stay small.

We can hear that voice and instead of going along, we can choose to say thank you. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I am stronger, I am enough, and what you’re saying isn’t true.

Not staying small unnerves Peacemaker self. Not playing small means using my voice, not just in words on a page, but verbally, to say what’s on my mind, what I believe. It means stepping out of get along rut I can fall into and instead, take a different path. It could mean conflict. But there comes a point where staying small, going along to get along, is corrosive to our soul.

Walking out the full story that God planned for me means speaking up. It doesn’t mean picking a fight, that thought makes me want to go running. It means not staying silent. I know there are many people who feel that way today. They have something to say. We’re all on our own journey, but I believe playing small, keeping the peace for the sake of it is not part of any of our plans. Authenticity is my theme this year. And authenticity isn’t a re-creation of yourself, it’s acting in line with what’s in our hearts. You have it in you. Walk out life with courage, moving forward despite the fear. You are brave.

 

 

 

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Creativity, Clarity and Being Brave

Fearless CreativityHave you ever attended a workshop, a conference, a seminar where you left feeling shift within you? That’s what I experienced last week. I went to gorgeous 1440 Multiversity in Scotts Valley, California for the Brave Magic workshop. I’m not sure ‘workshop’ accurately describes the soul searching emotional smack down that the 600 people who attended went through. There was that, and, oh yeah, there was writing.

The writing part is what I anticipated, what I thought I’d signed up for. Cheryl Strayed and Elizabeth Gilbert were the leaders and wove us through a series of letter writing exercises to, from my perspective, allow us to dive deeply into our own hearts so that we could gain clarity and focus moving forward in our own creative process. Because, as Cheryl has said, “anyone can write a letter.”

Mission accomplished.

I’m still not quite sure the emotional hangover has ended, and I’m ok with that because I continue to think about the work I did. Using the creative process to speak truth to myself tapped into my passions. The part of me that feels light, and clear, and joyful.

I want to talk more about gaining clarity. A happy outcome of last week. It can be so hard in our culture because life screams at us from all sides. We’re “supposed to” be doing XYZ or believing XYZ. Other people dictate what is important in our lives and if we’re not careful we can go along like ants in a line, marching to satisfy someone else’s mission. When we break away from the line, our people often try and pull us back. They remind us that life they way they’ve designed it works perfectly and it’s safe. And it may…for them.

At some point it’s healthy to sort through how we want to engage with life. To review the landscape in front of us and go through a process of determining which parts we align with, and for those where we are different, what exactly is does that mean? If you determine you are led down a different path than the one you always thought you’d be on – mainly because you hadn’t thought much about it – you may find that life feels uncertain for a period.

And that’s where spending time gaining clarity comes into play. Your clarity is that inner voice, the one you can trust that says “this is what I want.” It’s not the voice of your “inner terrible someone,” ITS as Cheryl Strayed described it. The ITS wants to keep you safe instead of paying attention to clarity. I know that following and trusting clarity is where the magic is. Clarity shuts down the inner chatter related to your growth, because the ITS is speaking from fear.

Instead of staying in a space of fear, when you have clarity, choose to engage. To fully engage in what you know to be true, that’s the point where you will feel alive. I believe that as you gain clarity and realize you are not engaging in life according to who you now know yourself to be, you can feel like you’re selling yourself short. Betraying your true self. I know I do. Continuing to interact with life instead of engaging my clarity causes a plethora of frustrations and results in operating from a place of doubt and weakness instead of strength.

I walked away from last weekend with more than words could describe, and you may find slivers of it as I write over the next few weeks. Besides the warm embrace and comfort that comes from being surrounded by close to 600 women (honestly, were there a dozen men there? To say that is a stretch), I gained raw, unfiltered clarity. I know that I know the direction I’m headed. The bold life that God wants me to lead. He’s set me up for it. I choose to walk on that path. And I think it will look different, but I will choose embrace what’s to come even if it makes me uncomfortable.

Clarity isn’t a departure from who I am, it’s finding my true authentic self and letting that girl out to play. Brave Magic may not have been what I anticipated, but it was exactly what I need.

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Lessons from Mr. Rogers

Mr. RogersI’m late to the game. I know the Mr. Roger Neighborhood documentary/movie came out months ago, but it came to my home screen the other night. I can remember watching Mr. Rogers when I was little as it was one of 2 shows my mom approved me to watch. I will admit to sneaking in a little Wonderful World of Disney and their weekly movie on my little 13 inch black and white TV in my room. But on a more regular basis, Sesame Street, followed by Mr. Rogers.

Here’s the truth. I can remember watching Mr. Rogers and thinking, “move…it…along.” Seriously. Was I 5? 6? Not sure, but not much older and I can remember it seeming slow to me. Get to Make Believe Land already! These were the early years of Mr. Rogers, it aired the first time when I was a year old. But I don’t think it ever lost that pace.

Looking back, I wonder if my little self was either missing, or didn’t want to hear the message he was sharing. I’ve read, and now watched in the movie, about the messages he shared with children. It seems to me that his greatest desire was to listen to children and to normalize what was going on in the world around them. He tackled racism, death, divorce, fear, not being like other people…topics that as grown adults we shy away from, not to mention the multitude of others that he talked to kids about day after day, week after week.

And I wonder why that is? Why is it so difficult to have conversations about certain topics? Particularly with children. Imagine as a child feeling like you’re not like other kids, or that kids don’t like you, or make fun of you. I think that’s every child’s experience to some degree or another. I actually think it’s many adult’s experience as well. But instead of talking about it, we try and make it go away. We try and fix it. We dismiss it. With adults, we tell them to get over it, or to not worry about what others think.

But that doesn’t make the feelings go away. In my mind, what assuages feelings is acknowledging them. Normalizing them. Conversations that help people see that they are not alone. That someone else has felt the way they do.

I have coffee every Saturday morning with a girlfriend. We’re both early risers and are at our local Starbucks by about 6 a.m. We’re the same age and met a couple years ago when I was intent on meeting other women and making friends. It all started over a shared love of Athleta workout pants. She had a brightly colored pair and I commented. The rest is history. And yes, there was coffee that day.

One of the aspects I love the most about those mornings is that we share experiences and it’s confirmation that we’re not alone. We’ve had similar experiences and if one is wrestling with something, the other has probably been there and normalizes it. Having people in your life who can relate to what you’re going through is critically important. I believe for both men and women, though I can only talk about my experience as a woman.

It’s a lie that we have to go through life on our own. And, honestly, there are some areas where we need to talk to other women (or men as the case may be). I think my husband is thankful I have my coffee talks, I work through a lot of the craziness in my head over a Venti. Plain coffee for me, you didn’t ask, but I’m offering…nothing fancy.

Back to Mr. Rogers, that’s who he was for children. Every day. He’d tackle topics that adults are often hesitant to talk about with kids in a gentle way. He made them normal. He used Daniel Striped Tiger, King Friday XIII, Lady Elaine, and others on the show to talk through real issues children were facing. And he did it all while acknowledging kids for who they were and loving on them. That’s what we all want, to be known and loved.

If you haven’t watched this movie, it’s worth it. And the brave step I’d encourage you to take today? Love each other. Just as Mr. Rogers did, just as God calls us to do. It doesn’t have to be complicated, or over intellectualized. Just…love…each…other.

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Why don’t my shoes fit? Looking for true answers…

Wrong FeetI was pretty sure my foot had grown, deformed, or something else had happened overnight the other day to explain why my shoes were SO uncomfortable. All day, I was wiggling my foot around, side to side, trying to adjust it. Convinced my foot had decided to make a bigger footprint, literally, I had decided to throw the shoes away when I got home. It’s not you, shoes, it’s me, but we’re breaking up.

Cut to a video meeting I had the afternoon of that same day. A demo, actually. I was feeling fairly snoozy and looking for ways to stay awake. I looked down at the shoes that had betrayed me and realized they were on…the…wrong…feet. I was so startled that I, in all professionalism, stopped the meeting to call myself out on it. I mean, I’m a 50-year-old woman, what the heck?

I’d spent all day in discomfort, thinking something else was wrong, that it wasn’t the shoes, that maybe my shoes were in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and forgot me. But no, it was a situation I put myself in.

My shoes made me think about those times in life when we’re in uncomfortable situations. When it feels like our life is out of sync. So often, we put ourselves there in the first place. And in the same vein, the change to be more comfortable is one that we must initiate. No one can do it for us.  But how quickly do we turn to wanting to ditch that which causes discomfort? And what does that do?

Nothing. Sure, in my case my foot would have been more comfortable…but I would have been out a good pair of shoes. But, let’s say the problem really was that my foot had spread out like peanut butter on a hot day. Throwing the shoes away would have done nothing to solve that challenge. We’re so quick to jump to the solution that causes us the least struggle, that puts the onus on someone or something else. But unless we look at the piece of the struggle we’ve caused, we’re no further along.

Shoe-gate also made me key into my intuition. It was a simple situation, but I knew something was off and I couldn’t quite get to the answer. I had the feeling it was something else besides the idea that my foot had grown, but instead of trusting myself and my intuition, I kept looking outward. I believe my intuition is strong, but my past pattern has been to rely on what I can see and touch rather than what I know.

Trusting our intuition is part of looking inward. Trusting ourselves instead of external forces. We know what is true for us, what we need. We’re programmed to not trust that, but instead to look externally for answers. I’ve been challenging myself to trust my intuition, to tap into it. It requires tuning out the noise of the world and tuning into that still small voice inside of me.

Somedays it feels like life throws us constant curveballs, but I’d suggest it doesn’t have to feel like that. What if what we face is not really a curveball at all, but a chance to turn internally and make a choice to let it slide by? To ask ourselves if it we need to respond at all? And to trust what comes up. It may be that the curveball is an opportunity to grow part of us, or an opportunity to let go of a belief or action that no longer serves us. Reacting to the external curveball won’t produce growth, looking internally will.

Listening to ourselves, to the inner voice, making a choice to respond, or not…it’s all part of shaping our authentic self. Of sorting out life and determining which pieces we want as part of our story. It’s being brave. It’s looking past the obvious, the shoes, to see what else could be happening. And knowing in some cases it actually is the shoes and to save our energy for other true changes.

Today, can you choose to let those so-called challenges sit in front of you and simply observe them? Don’t react. Observe. And trust that you have the answer inside you. Trust your intuition. You’ll find peace in staying within your true self. And you may even keep that pair of shoes.

 

 

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Lean into what brings you joy

What brings you joyI make cards for my husband. I started writing the cards when we were courting – moving towards reconciling our marriage. I write a little bit of what’s on my heart each day and then when the card is full, I leave them lying on our shared desk for him. The first few times, I bought cards. But then I thought I’d try something new and started painting them. Let’s be clear though, I am an accidental artist.

You see, Pinterest is my muse. I see something I want to try, usually I’m not even sure I can do it. But I know I can give it a college try. Now I make cards for him, for birthdays, for the office, and the pure act of creating brings me joy, especially when it’s for someone else.

I started to figure out along the way that joy was possible this way. I’d start a creative project and completely lose track of time. It was a little like meditation. My mind would focus on what was in front of me, nothing else. I can remember other creative projects I’ve tried in the past – short lived – thankfully there are no photos, but I was all in.

That’s how it is with writing. The other day I was wrapping up an online class I too, Daring Leader, through Brene Brown. Great class (don’t go looking for it though – she’s taken it down and created new content to coincide with her new book coming out in October – Dare to Lead) and as part of the final assessment I had to provide essay answers to a few questions demonstrating that I’d actually learned something and not just phoned it in. Because the course content is within my sweet spot, inner work for outer results, I became immersed and lost track of time.  It brought me joy.

While I’m loving exploring my creative side, it’s not without a little angst. The voice in my head still tells me I should be doing something. Painting, writing, those passions are mentally active, but not out and about active. Until the last couple of years, physically active was imbedded in my definition of doing something.

When I was about 40, I had started cycling and was training for my first century ride. I met a group of amazing cyclists and quickly got pulled into their orbit. The next few years I spent every free moment cycling. It was my social life, my exercise, and it got me outside, which I loved. We travelled by bike, rode to places in California I’d never seen even though I lived here my entire life. We competed in ridiculously long rides and along the way I met even more kind, generous hearted people. I looked forward to those events because of the accomplishment at hand as well as the camaraderie. They were my people.

Now?  My bike is hanging in my garage. I haven’t been on it in over a year. And I beat myself up about it for the first six months. It had been a big part of my life and when I’d go out for a ride, I was doing something.

What I’ve wrestled with is letting go of my own definition of doing. I believe the feeling that I need to be actively, i.e. physically, doing something at every minute of the day was someone else’s definition. It’s normal to adopt the definitions about life from those we spend time with. Letting go has been hard. I’ve had to push back on my internal, not so friendly dialogue. It’s a healthy process for anyone to go through, particularly at this phase of life. I’ve had reasons I stopped cycling, but it wasn’t easy. And I still long for that camaraderie. But challenging my thoughts about why I should do it was a healthy process.

I believe each of us would benefit from taking time to reflect on life and look at what truly brings you joy. What are you doing that makes you lose track of time? What are you involved in that you continue because it’s what you’re programmed to do? Programmed by someone else.

I am creative, it brings me joy and is an area I plan to expand, using it to connect with and help others. I think the two will go hand in hand. That’s the intention I’ve set, living out my authentic self. I’d encourage you to take a minute today and think about the patterns of your life. What are you doing that brings you joy? What are you doing that fits someone else’s definition of what it means to play, or work, or rest? Wrestle with how your authentic self would look at those areas. What would it take to be truer to the call of your heart. Today, be brave and take a step towards your true self.

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What is your intention?

IMG_5942The rumbling on this topic started a few days ago at a Soul Gathering I attended at LOLO Mind Body and Soul. The leader, Lauren, is my nutritional psychology coach and I’ve made a lot of progress working with her on the topic of body acceptance among a myriad of other topics. The Soul Gathering was something different. It was a collection of women who gathered to heal together. We meditated as a group and Lauren gave a powerful talk on intention. The power of setting intention in your life and the resulting impact.

I’ve read about intention, probably talked with Lauren about it, so I was cruising along. Yeah…I got this. Was feeling a little cocky about it. She spun it with a different twist though that really caught me in the gut…cause that’s where I feel everything.

Let’s pause for a minute here while I talk about intent. Particularly in the space of self-development, I’ve read and thought about the power of setting an intention. Knowing where you want to go, to grow, to be is one thing. But really seeing that in your mind’s eye. Visualizing yourself in that space, taking those steps, arriving at the destination, that’s the work.

Through a guided meditation, Lauren had each of us set an intention. See it, feel it, touch it. Well, that’s no sweat. I want to write a book, it’s rolling around in my head and so, no brainer, that was my intention. This time instead of just saying it, I could see it, turn the pages, see others reading it.

Lauren continued, talking about the blocks we put up that get in the way of reaching your intention. My ears perked up a little bit. Things were getting real. As she spoke, and I meditated on her words, I could see it.

I’d been holding on to a VW sized rock that was getting in the way of moving forward.

Other…people’s…expectations.

The book that is in my heart is a journey. It’s my journey to find who I am. Truly discover myself as a woman and what I believe, what I desire, where I want to go. I believe that is a journey many women desire to take but are held back by fear, by other people’s expectations, by the unknown. Real life stuff.

My book is about all of that. About taking all of that and wrestling it to the ground and then rumbling with it, as Brene Brown described it in Rising Strong. It’s one thing to see it, but quite another altogether to wrestle with it, to own the emotions, to see the why behind your reactions. It’s messy, it’s emotional, but it’s good. And I mean really good work to do. Of course, when your feeling like a wrung-out rag after, go fill yourself up…preferably with coffee, or shoes.

I’m not writing a book that will make everyone feel happy. I’m writing a book to make people think – about their own journey. And through sharing parts of mine, I know there will be people who don’t share my views. And the rumble for me is to be ok with that. The learning for those people will be different than others.

Now that I can see that block in reaching my intention, I need to do my own work. Authenticity isn’t a pageant category. Can you imagine, swimsuit competition, a show of who the person really is – their authentic self, and, wrap that up with talent? Quite a different contest altogether. And truly, authenticity is not a popularity content. It’s being true to yourself, which is independent of other people’s expectations.

What is your intention today? What blocks are you consciously or subconsciously putting in the way of reaching it. This week do that work. I guarantee I’ll be on that train with you. Reframing how I look at writing my book in terms of the story in me vs. what will please others. Scary, I get it. But you are brave my friend, braver than you know.

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Being brave…making our own choice

Owl in the tree - ShameI’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. Sounds grandiose but it’s not really. It’s more about how I want to play out my work life. The impact I want to have on people. Not a new path for my mind to take and one that has produced tremendous amounts of angst.

Make lists, pros and cons, mind map…yeah, done that. Different ways to search for the ideal solution. In the midst of the tornado swirl in my mind, a simple thought came to me the other day. As I wrestled to determine what I really feel, behind the scenes, I was wading past what I believed were other people’s expectations. Truths that weren’t mine, but that I’d made my own, or which I thought had to be my own.

As I thought more about it, I began to notice that there was another feeling coming up. It would flit in and out, not long enough to really grab hold of.

And it started to creep into other areas of my life. My voice, more specifically using my voice. Feeling I could speak my own thoughts, opinions, freely without retribution. That when I spoke, what I had to say would be respected, even if not agreed with. I realized that I sometimes refrain from using my voice when I believe it’s contrary to the opinion of those around me. I chose silence over my truth.

I had a chance to spend a long time meditating today, just letting thoughts float by. That’s when it hit me.

Shame.

Underneath my career angst/ inability to chart a path forward and choosing silence about my true thoughts was shame. And here’s how I knew. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of feeling guilty, of thinking that by saying or doing something I do the wrong thing. It’s that by what I did or said it would show I was a bad person. Not worthy, not enough, small.

And that’s not the truth.

Say, for example, I choose tomorrow to start a second phase in my work life. One where I coach full time and spend a great deal of time writing. Sounds glorious. However, I like my current role, and am quite connected to the people I work with. It’s a supporting environment where I have developed fulfilling relationships with the team. But if I chose to leave and recreate my work life, it would be just that. A decision. The work choices I may are not that black and white but whatever I do or don’t do, it’s a decision. And with a decision would come consequences. But the decision in and of itself doesn’t have the power to create shame.

I create shame, we create shame. Letting what I think other people believe about a decision, an opinion, a truth of mine hold me in a tight net of fear. Fear prompted by a desire to avoid shame. Brene Brown calls perfectionism a desire to avoid shame, blame or judgement. Fear of speaking or living your truth because of what others might think, of the judgement, the blame, the shame you might feel, it’s not healthy. It’s a form of perfectionism – not the good kind.

Thinking about the analysis paralysis some of us feel at times as a mechanism to avoid shame proved incredibly insightful for me. Fear of vulnerability? Maybe it’s avoidance of shame – that story in your head that you are a bad person.  Indecision, not moving life forward? Same. I believe I’ve unconsciously held myself on a steady, safe path to avoid the potential shame I might feel if I lived authentically. If I’d made decisions that might take me on a path I wanted but then questioned my choice. Or a path that others might disapprove of. But if they did, or if my path wasn’t what I thought, so what? Honestly, so what?

That’s where grace comes in. Grace instead of shame. Authenticity and self-compassion.

I believe with all my heart that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. The fear of feeling shame and the resulting reluctance to live an authentic life. What I know is that if we can get to the root and realize where the feelings come from, we can call them out, whether they are shame or something else. Lay them down and know that taking risks is brave. We can all use to be brave more often. That’s my truth – and I plan to speak and live it boldly.

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Loving me, loving you…it keeps coming up

Love yourself - my hand my heartWhen I see themes repeating in my life, I’ve realized I better pay attention. I’m not kidding, sometimes I’ll notice that certain concepts or ideas won’t go away. They come up over and over. Such is the case with self-love. I thought I was dialing into it, but perhaps no.

Last week I went to a monthly Soul Gathering at the studio of my nutritional coach’s teacher. I think I’ve written about these gatherings before, but a group of women (and a couple token men) gather listen to insight into certain topics and then engage in supporting activities. This month was on self-love. When I saw the topic, I thought – game on, I’m in. I went with a friend who I met at the first gathering I went to and who I just love. You see, we both see the same nutritional coach, Lauren, and Lauren’s approach is to look at the why, the inner stuff, behind why we eat, why we struggle with body image and, of course, partnering with that is self-love. Fun topics, right? My friend and I are similarly situated in that regard. We struggle with maintaining positive body image, and we agreed on the ride over it would be an interesting, helpful evening.

We did three activities that night – we sent love to another, we brought in love from God to ourselves and then sent it out to others in the room, and we had to go around the room and say 3 things we love about ourselves. Whoa, whoa, whoa…internally trying to do that was hard enough and now you want me to say it out loud? Come on now, big ask…big, BIG, ask.

But the first person began, and my turn was rapidly approaching. One person said they loved their body. I looked at my friend and nearly without words we agreed those would not be the words coming out of our mouths. Closer…ok, my turn. Deep breath. I said my three things, and even got a little vulnerable, talking about how my love of my children and who they are as young men has caused me to love them even more strongly and to have a stronger heart for truly seeing and loving other people. That was an important one for me.

In hindsight, I can see that I talked more about outward facing parts of myself than internal ones. That’s still a journey. I left the gathering that night feeling settled though. Confident and strong in loving parts of me, and really thinking about God’s love.

I was describing the group to a friend and her comment was, “have you ever thought that not loving yourself is an insult to God? That he made you just as you are and by not loving yourself you’re saying that’s not good enough?” Well snap. That’s an in your face way to drive it home. The second greatest commandment in the Bible is to Love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, and to clarify – it’s not in an arrogant, “I’m all that and a bag of chips”, way, it’s loving and accepting yourself, valuing and using the gifts you’ve been given way – how can you truly love others well.

The next morning, I tried self-affirmations, “I love you,” even adding my name because I was feeling confident. Get real, Lisa. It fell a little short. But I tried, I sat in the discomfort of saying it, alone, in my room. We must sit in it, the discomfort. Life isn’t necessarily comfortable. Loving yourself, loving others, not always comfortable. Learning to stay in it – despite the discomfort, that’s where love can grow. We often look to change others or our circumstances to lessen our discomfort instead of recognizing it and dealing with our own inner stuff (ok, deal with our own crap) that causes it.

Being authentic, loving ourselves, it’s loving all the parts, even those that cause discomfort. It’s not looking externally to either affirm who we are and why we should be loved, or to change the conditions causing discomfort. It comes back to looking at life, at you, at me, through the lens of love. That’s brave.

You may already be rockin’ the self-love thing, and that’s awesome. If you’re like me and still taking it day by day, moment by moment, try this. Today, just for one minute, 60 seconds, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say out loud (or in your head…honestly doesn’t that count? I say YES), “I love you.” Put it on your repeat play list for those 60 seconds. And then, think of someone in your life and send it out to them. You can say, “God bless____,” or simply think of sending love to that person.  It may feel uncomfortable to you but do it, be brave. It’s part of growth and its part of the journey we’re all taking together.

 

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Own you…the real you

Truckee 2018Each year around the 4th of July my family spends a week in Truckee. For those unfamiliar, it’s a small town near Lake Tahoe that is gloriously beautiful. From my folks’ house we look up to the backside of NorthStar ski area. The air is clear, it’s quiet and nature surrounds you in all directions. Why we don’t go up there more is a mystery to me (although I’m firmly committed to spending more time there!). So, you have the serenity fully in your mind?

My family is awesome, and we truly enjoy being around each other. This year, ten of us were up for the week. Our Truckee days are filled with non-stop activity. And by non-stop, I mean every…single…second…This week alone there was boating, rafting, pool ‘hanging’, cornhole (lots and lots of cornhole), ping pong, foosball, bocce ball (the only sport I made a respectable showing in), foot golf, golf, hiking…you get the idea? Most days had no less than 3 activities. And then we prepare and eat dinner together followed by a lot of laughter, loud music as we sang through the years and possible a game later. Genuinely, we enjoy each other, every activity becomes a competition, we laugh, we love one another.

I love being with the family and over time, particularly over the last year, I’ve noticed that I’m wired similarly to them in many ways but am also different. I’m serious, I tire far more easily, I get worn out. The competitive spirit is not as strong. Since this is the family I was raised in, a lot of the traits passed on to me, either by nature or nurture I believe. Over the last couple years, as I’ve settled into mid-life, more of who I am is becoming apparent to me, and I’ve been working to get comfortable with who that person is.

One thing I’ve known for years is that I’m more sensitive. I can recall being young and hearing the words, “there goes Lisa, crying again.” Any potentially emotional moment. Even yesterday, leaving the family to come home, I felt the tears well up. And I’ve tried to shake it off. Be tougher, not so sensitive. It’s not that easy. As I become more aware though, I notice it’s not just emotionally. I’m sensitive to sound – especially loud noises, conflict kills me on the inside, busy-ness and rushing throw me off, other people’s negative energy pulls on me…all things I’ve pushed aside as something being wrong with me. Called it anxiety or told myself to shake it off.

But now? Now I’m learning that it’s part of how I’m wired. I’m more in tune with other people’s energy-their moods, sensitive to it, often feeling it myself. And I feel the energy of different situations, good and bad. And I can get exhausted from it. It’s a little bit like having a hangover – even though I don’t drink – exhaustion, raw emotions.

So, what to do with a week of constant activity? This is where authenticity comes in. Own and take care of my needs. I’m responsible for that. The constant activity of my family? That will, and should, continue. It means that I might take a time out, or observe, rather than be in the middle. It means breaking away from the norm and being ok with it. This year, that’s what I did. The world didn’t end, and I came home slightly less exhausted than I have in the past.

Learning more about me, who I am as an individual and owning it is an ongoing journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in who other people think we should be and how we should show up in situations. It’s far braver to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean everyone around you needs to change to suit you. It means you ask for what you need. It’s setting your own boundaries and taking a time out if you need it. There’s no shame in that.

It’s no different than anywhere you feel you’re showing up on the outside differently than what’s on the inside. Think about that for yourself. Are there areas in your life where you show up to suit others instead of being who you truly are? What step could you take today that would get you closer to your true self? Do that. It’s just one step but it’s a step in the authentic direction. I’m with you every step of the way.