Stuff in my head Archives - Page 8 of 14

May 28, 2017

Steps to trusting myself…

Goodbye Scale I gave away my scale this week. Unceremoniously taking it to Goodwill and saying goodbye. Big deal you might be saying. I get that. Let me give you a little backstory.

I’ve always looked at other women who I think are thin with envy. For the last probably 35+ years of my life, every…single…morning the first thing I had to check on was my weight. Was it ‘good’? If it was good, then so was my day. If it wasn’t, that’s how my day started, frustrated, annoyed with myself. My internal voice was on overdrive. I ate too much. I didn’t exercise enough. Today I would do better. On what I considered to be a good day, I was elated, quickly replaced by trying to replicate everything I did the day before so I could be good again tomorrow.

During the day, every time I ate was an opportunity to determine if I was doing good, if I was making the right choices. If I ate a cookie, I’d pray that I wouldn’t see the impact the next morning. Nothing was eaten without having weighed out the consequence in my mind. I had my ‘approved’ list of foods, ones that in some convoluted way I’d determined would not have a negative impact on the next day’s weigh in. Eating was largely a source of anxiety, judgement, by myself or others (in my mind).

And I was exhausted.

I started working with a coach because I wanted a solution to why my nearly 50 year old body felt like a magnet to weight. In reality, I’d probably been too thin and my body was getting back to where it should have been, I see that now. But then, I was frustrated and wanted the magic bullet.

So boy was I surprised when she told me to stop stepping on the scale, stop counting calories, stop weighing and measuring my food. But how would I know how I was doing? How would I know if my weight was acceptable? The answer? My body. Look in the mirror. My body would tell me by how I felt. Uhhhhhh…that’s what my scale did. But not anymore.

In the beginning, I struggled. But it got easier. And the more time passed, the more I started to feel in touch with my body. I noticed when things I ate made me feel strong, and what I ate that didn’t. I started appreciating the way other women looked, at all shapes and sizes and really noticed when they appeared to be comfortable in their own skin. Whether they were or not, I don’t know, but they appeared that way. And I appreciated them. As I did, I started to get more comfortable with myself.

Last week, my husband’s scale called to me one morning and I listened. And stepped on. My reaction was, huh. I didn’t get too tied up in it, but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about it, over and over, and the same mental game started again.

That did it.

Later that day, I took my scale to Goodwill and said goodbye. Forever. It was freeing and scary all at the same time, but I did it. The thing about the scale is that it was telling me what to think about myself instead of trusting my own body, my own intuition about myself.

The unfortunate part is, I know I’m not alone. The scale may not be your thing, but you may have one. That external thing that tells you how to feel about yourself, about your body, about the kind of mother, or wife, or friend you are. I’d suggest that you already know those answers. If you listen to yourself, to your intuition, you know. And you can trust that. No other person, or magazine, or scale, or whatever that thing is, knows your story, lived your story, been through your life and all that has brought you to where you are today. Only you. You are unique. And you are amazing. But you don’t have to listen to me, you already know that.

My coach launched me on my journey. If you’d like to talk to a coach about taking the journey for yourself, I’d love to work with you, that’s what the Be Brave part is all about. Helping you find your amazing self, because sometimes, you have to be brave to get there.

May 21, 2017

Today’s Focus

Don't Rob Today.png Sometimes my thought process feels like it’s the disclaimer you hear for car ads on the radio. It races ahead, quickly thinking about all that lies ahead of me, everything I need to do, what I have to check off a list. It spins my head. Even today, I was walking our dog on early in morning, my favorite time of the day, and I was through today into next week in my head. Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone and I’ve already had the first part of the conversation in my head so what comes out is mid-way through and makes no sense at all.

I’m often thinking about the next move. What I have coming up. I think my busy mind has been also on overdrive at night lately. I’ve been having crazy dreams – which I don’t normally do. I was telling my coach about one yesterday. I was in the Philippines, a place I’ve never been. I came out of a corridor and there was water everywhere, like in Venice, with a lot of Asian influenced statues. I floated around on a statue head, trying to take a bunch of pictures because I only had a short time. Then I rushed to a hotel room where my husband was, he wanted me to hang out, but we had to get to the airport, fast! Then I was changing my clothes in a public bathroom, ran into someone from work, and ran through the airport for a flight, telling others to keep up. My coach looked at me and said it sounded like rushing all the time while my husband wants to just hang out with me. Just like that, calm, cool, she summed it up. Mic drop, walk away.

It was an oh crap kind of moment. I’ve been thinking about it today and wonder if, in the midst of trying to stay ahead of the game, I miss what’s right in front of me. Maybe I already know the answer to that, but I don’t like it. I’m in, but am I truly in the moment? Or, am I too busy looking at the next thing. Even though I thought I knew this about me, I thought I’d made progress towards slowing down. Apparently not.

In today’s busy lifestyle, it’s far too easy to fall into this trap. What can you do to safeguard against it? What steps am I going to take to slow down (and believe me, I’ve already slowed down from the pace I used to go).

First, if you find yourself starting to spin, take a breath. Really. Just slow down and take a few slow breaths. It has the effect of calming you down, slowing the cadence of your movements, let’s you think clearer.

Next, think about what is actually on your plate, right now. Not tomorrow, but in this moment. You may be afraid you’ll forget everything else you have to do, but you won’t. And if you’re really concerned, make a list. I’ve read that when you make a list, it allows you to clear that information from you head. Less to distract you.

Finally, think about what is most important in the moment. Focus on that. It could be your spouse, your child, a family member or friend, or maybe it is work, or play. Whatever it is, just focus on doing that. Take steps to engage, fully, completely.

One of the things I’ve realized is that I manage a lot of stuff. And by stuff, that’s exactly what I mean, just stuff. Lately, I’ve been working on minimizing my stuff so there’s less to organize, put away, manage, clean, you know, all those fun things that come with stuff. With less of it, I can focus on what’s important. How about it? Tired of managing all that stuff? Purge it with me, both your mental and the physical stuff, and then let me know how it goes, how you feel, how you’re showing up in life. I want to share your journey!

May 13, 2017

Your true Yes

True Self Though I am in recovery, I am a pleaser. I aim to make people happy. If I think a decision I’m making will result in negative feedback from someone else, I’m thinking twice about it. As a result, I often say yes easily. Now, I truly do like helping people, but my automatic yes sometimes results in the voice in my head asking, in a whiny voice, “why?”

This week though, was asked by someone I’d worked with doing some freelance work could refer me to a colleague. Within minutes, I was writing out the response text to say “sure, thanks for asking.” But then I stopped. I started thinking about the kind of work I’d done with them in the past and how that wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. Could I do it? Yes. But want to? No. And so, after thinking and praying about it, the next morning I wrote him and declined, referring them instead to a former colleague who specializes in that type of work. And it felt great!

Before I made the decision, I felt anxious, nervous about saying no, but once I did, once I was true to myself, I felt free. Later in the week, I was involved in a situation by default and the discussion was around a topic that I’d rather not think about for hours on end. It was necessary, but negative, draining, and I could feel the uneasiness in my stomach all day. In that case, I didn’t have a choice. But in many cases, I do, you do.

Think about it this way. Those things you really love to do, you do with all your heart. Could be something creative, could be cleaning, cooking, or golf, skiing, cycling, or swimming, or maybe you work on cars, or are a collector…only you know what that thing is, but when you’re doing it, it’s your jam. You lose track of time. For me, it’s being creative, and it’s engaging with others and helping them move their lives forward, whether it be at home or at work. When I’m in that space, I’m in it with all my heart. I’m engaged, and focused.

It’s my sweet spot.

What I’ve learned is that the greater degree to which I can stay in the sweet spot, the better results I’m going to have. AND, the more focused and productive I’ll be. Think about it for yourself. Do you know your sweet spot? If you do, what percent of your day are you spending in that space? And if you’re not spending a lot of time there, why not?

If you don’t know your sweet spot, you have a unique opportunity. One which could lead you to feel like you’re all in, engaged, and creating a fulfilling life. I know that, for me, I’ve spent too much time trying to please others, and saying yes when I really want to say “heck no.” And it’s not about only doing what I want, or what I’m good at. It’s about being in that sweet spot where I know I’m using gifts that I’m meant to be using. My own ‘special sauce.’ So if you’re still looking…not quite sure what the sweet spot feels like, saying yes when you want to say no, spend some time on it, dream. If you need a little help, or guidance on your journey, that’s what I’m here for, it’s my sweet spot.

May 7, 2017

Who do you love?

Give love away

Sometimes, a person can say something to me that I’ve heard before, but for some reason it finally sinks in. That’s the space I’m in the last couple days. Friday, I was meeting with my coach and we were talking about loving yourself, accepting yourself. Seems easy, but for some (hand raised) it can be tough. We talked about how you can’t give away something you don’t have, or don’t own. Hold that thought and fast forward with me to yesterday.

Wanderlust is a festival that I’ve heard about for a few years. It’s a ‘mindful’ triathlon – 5k, yoga, meditation. Then you can participate in a variety of other activities, acro yoga, hooping, workshops, throughout the day. It was amazing! One of the things our yoga instructor talked about (think about hundreds of people doing yoga together – so much positive energy!) was self-love. She echoed the same idea I had talked about with my coach – you have to love yourself, have a good relationship with yourself, in order to love others well, to give away love.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt as though I was getting confirmation of an area I need to focus on. In order to truly love well, you have to know what it’s like to feel love for yourself. Same is true for self-compassion. If you don’t give yourself compassion, realizing that you’re not perfect, and that’s ok, how are you going to be compassionate to others?

That’s one that I could really relate to. I’ve held myself to ridiculous standards and beat myself up when I fall short. Truth is though, no one else holds me to standards as high as I do. And I’ve been working on it. Being kinder to me. And it’s incredibly freeing, which allows me to show up stronger because I’m not as worried about making mistakes, or falling short.

So why do I bring all this up?

Sadly, I know I am not alone in having issues with self-love, self-acceptance and self-compassion. It’s not something people like to talk about. I can only speak for women and I know for many, it’s an issue that is exacerbated by comparison, by expectation, or by whatever has compounded it for you. I know it can be an issue for some men too, but I’m not equipped to speak about their journey. So to my female tribe – my friends, and even those I may not know, I get you.

I have to keep hearing the message, but it is sinking in. I’m thankful for that and share the message with all of you. Love yourself. You are with you all the time, don’t you want to hang out with someone you love and enjoy?

I set an intention during our yoga yesterday and carry it through today, love myself. And now I send it out to all of you.

April 30, 2017

Slow Down

As I write this, I’m sitting on a plane returning from a trip to Cancun that hel Cancun Beach ped me see life clearer. I’d never been there and on the way down, my husband and I talked about the activities we wanted to do, snorkeling, Chichen Itza, Tulum, Isla Mujeres…so many options! We chose to spend our arrival afternoon by the pool, enjoying the beautiful oceanside setting, amazing.

First day rolls around, and we’re TIRED! Exhausted really, like in a fog. Ok, so one more day by the pool, just to settle in. That afternoon, we cruised by the activities desk and signed up for 3 days’ worth of activities. The rest of the day cont
inued to be relaxing, and we even jumped into a Salsa lesson that night…Aye Aye!

Day two, what the heck? Still soooo tired! Even so, we ventured up the hotel row, did a litt skyrider cancun le flea market shopping, tried another hotel for lunch and then moseyed our way to the Sky Rider – a tandem para-sail type device that flew us high above the hotels and lagoon of Cancun. So beautiful! Got back to the hotel, exhausted, and chose to go to the pool again. By now, you’re getting the picture. We also signed up for a couples massage, yeah baby!

We did our big excursion on day three – Chichen Itza. It was amazing..a great tour with lots of history. We swam in a Cenote – an underground spring, and I was convinced I’d gotten younger! It was a loooong day though. 7 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. When we got back, I asked my husband if we could skip the excursions we planned for the rest of the week. He’s so awesome, he agreed. Truthfully, all I wanted to do was lay by the pool, sleep and read, basically just hang out with my husband.

The thing is, this may not seem like a big deal. But, I’ve always been wired to push, to stay active, to get the most out of every minute of every day. What I realized on this trip was that I’d been operating at a fairly high level of stress for a long time. As I decompressed, I noticed that I got more tired before I started to feel refreshed. It was an interesting awareness. Sort of like when you do a detox of your body, sometimes you feel worse before you feel better because the toxins have to leave your body. That’s how it was with stress. The decompression comes in stages and the tiredness you’ve suppressed catches up to you.

When Jenga we were getting our hot stone massage, so delightful by the way, I prayed to hear God’s will. That is what I meditated on. Loud and clear what came to me was to SLOW DOWN. And that word stuck with me. I run through life so quickly that sometimes I don’t take the time to slow down and really enjoy it.

So…here’s how the trip played out…laid by the pool, played bingo, read a couple books, we took Samba lessons, rediscovered our mad Connect Four and Jenga skills (32 level tower thank you very much), watched a circus-like performance and karaoke, met wonderful people, slept…and worked on relaxing. I can say that all-inclusive was the way to go, it also had the benefit of allowing us to have to make very few decisions…like…eggs? omelet? pancakes? That was a tough one. Not having to make a lot of decisions helped the relaxing. Everything we needed was at our fingertips, the staff was amazing, it’s the only way to travel!

I wished we could have stayed until I was tired of being on vacation, but that day didn’t come. What I know is that slowing down may be my focus for the rest of the year. Finding ways to have more meaningful experiences instead of ones I only get the cliff notes version of. I’d encourage you to look at your own life, your own stress level. Just because you may be good at managing stress doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Your body, your emotions, possibly your relationships all pay the price. Is there something you need to let go of, a shift you need to make to find more fulfillment in the aspects of life that matter? Want to talk about it? You know where to find me. I’m here, with more time for what matters, which is helping you, helping me, find the most fulfillment and purpose out of the time we have so that we can truly engage with those we love and care about.

April 23, 2017

Reconciliation…not a destination

fullsizerender A couple nights ago, we had the opportunity to spend a wonderful evening with family. Part of our family is the minister who served for more than 25 years at my Dad’s church and his wife. They have become part of our family and been with us through many of the ups and downs life brings. He talked with my husband and I about our reconciliation, one which we recently celebrated by re-marrying.

I was thinking this morning about that conversation, and reconciliation. One of the parts that stands out to me is that reconciliation is just a step. So, stop there for a minute. When you think about reconciliation in general, I don’t think I’m alone in looking at it as the destination. Whether it be in a marriage, a friendship, or with someone in your family, doesn’t really matter. You go down a path where you and the other person are at odds about something, at such odds, in fact, that the bond you had between you first crumbles, and then dissolves. You come apart. And the time it takes you to work through it, to reconcile, can vary. Could take hours, days, longer, or it may never happen, it may be permanent.

Other times though, you do work through it. Maybe together, or maybe separately and then together. Your heart desires to come back together, to move past whatever it was that caused you to come apart in the first place. You reconcile.

And for many, the “reconciliation” is the ultimate goal. It’s what you have your eye on as the prize. You don’t look beyond it because all you really wanted to do is come back together. But if this is where you land, where you stop in your journey, you haven’t really arrived. Think about it. You’re back together, but chances are, you’re in the same place you left off. You reconcile, or restore, to what you previously knew. Except, that’s the state you were in when things fell apart. You’re together, but not necessarily closer.

What was shared with us is that the point, particularly in marriage, is to continue to grow closer together. Not to stay loosely holding hands, but to tighten the grip. Grow together. Deepen the marriage, friendship, family connection. It could first look like you focusing on the other person rather than yourself. Wanting them to be happy. Over time, hopefully, it will become more about “us” than solely about the other. That’s part of growth. That’s making whatever the relationship is stronger. It’s putting in the time and effort that mirrors your commitment. It’s not always easy, but growing closer together is part of the plan.

Staying at the point of reconciliation may be easy, but it’s precarious. It’s easy to knock off it’s foundation since you were at that place when you came apart. I encourage you to think about the areas of your own life where you might look to reconciliation as the end game. But it’s not the end. Growth together, towards another person…that’s the good stuff. And if something holds you back, don’t presume it’s the other person’s fault. More likely is that it’s within you. Figure it out. If you need help, find someone to help you, whether it be a trusted, objective friend, a counselor, or a coach (like me). But get help to look at your own stuff so that you can keep moving forward…drawing closer to “us.” That place? It’s a moving target, but one worth striving for.

April 16, 2017

On Judgement

As I write t Don't Judge Others his, it’s a rainy, Easter, afternoon. I have had a few things rolling around in my head this weekend that I wanted to talk about. When I was in the iPEC coaching certification program, we had foundation principles. One that really stuck out to me was, “True awareness is related to our lack of judgement.” As I went through class and beyond, I really thought about that and became aware of the times I would judge myself and others. I’ve tried to stop the judgement, but sometimes, I’ve found it’s so ingrained, I don’t even see it coming.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s, the era of big hair and rail thin models. The hair I got over but the rail thin stuck with me and I’m only recently (and with help) coming out of the self-comparison and striving that came from that “ideal” of the female body. My self judgement has often been around the “not thin enough” theme. And it is not difficult to find encouragement for that. There’s a constant barrage of media that would still say you’re not thin enough, or not muscular enough, maybe you don’t eat right, or not enough carbs, or protein, or fat, or… the list could go on and on. I have really started to grab hold of the movement to get away from all that. To encourage women to love themselves as they are. How God made us.

But Saturday, I was working out in the hotel gym where I was staying. I saw this woman diligently working out, first the elliptical and then weights. The straight up truth is that I looked at her and thought, “you’re working out so hard, what are you eating that has you overweight?” You see, she was a little heavy set. In that moment, I stopped. All of a sudden it hit me, I was projecting my own vision – the vision I’m trying to change – of what fit and “thin” looks like, on to her! I was struck by how incredibly wrong that was, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

So what, if anything, does this have to do with it being Easter? In a way (and this is by no means a theological discourse, it’s my thoughts…) Jesus’ death was about judgement. He was judged by the very people that he had come to save. He didn’t judge anyone. In fact, He encouraged us to NOT judge others. That’s not our job. But He was judged. He was ridiculed. And why? Partially because those who opposed Him didn’t understand Him, the things they saw as important, He questioned. And it made them have fear. So they looked for ways to judge Him, which ultimately lead to His death. His death and resurrection lead to the promise of redemption for the world, as it was promised, but they had no right to judge and neither do we.

Judgement often comes from a place of insecurity. Often, we reflect in judgement those things that, in reality, we don’t like about ourselves. We see things in others that we may be blind to in us. “…why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?” Matt. 7:3. Today, on Easter, my challenge to you is to start paying attention to the times when you judge. Notice, and then think about what quality, or belief system, you hold that led you to judge and take a look at that. Although I got tripped up the other day, I’m working on being aware of when judgement creeps in. It’s a journey, as I develop awareness of myself, the judgement lessens. I guarantee you, it creates feelings of compassion towards others – give it a try – then tell me about it, I’d love to share in your story.

April 8, 2017

Pause

I’m in a s Slow Down and Breathe eason right now where I’m really busy at work. From the time I get there until I leave, it’s jam packed with fairly complex situations I’m navigating through. Not all those situations are puppies and kittens, some are hard, and heavy, and challenging. I’d go as far as to say some have a negative vibe. And as I’ve gotten older, I find I’m more in touch with the emotional side of myself, which means these situations leave a mark. I feel them, am impacted by them. I notice that impact more as time goes on.

As I stared at the bottom of the pool yesterday, doing my laps, I was thinking about the impact of negative energy. Negative energy can come from a lot of sources. I’m not saying my work situations are all negative, because they’re not. I get to do a lot of amazing work, work that helps people. But some of it is, we all have that. Negative energy is a powerful force, it’s draining, contracting, distracting. The truth is, it’s far more powerful than positive energy, so even a small amount of negative energy can overshadow the positive. Think of it this way. If you made some guacamole, and you dropped in a small amount of oil from a ghost pepper, just a small amount, your entire batch would be ‘burn your mouth off’ hot. You perhaps wouldn’t enjoy the creamy goodness that is guacamole. Negative energy is the same way, it takes over the positive.

This fact was glaring me in the face as I swam because, in the midst of a few negative situations, I have some amazing things happening in my life. I recently became a certified professional coach and my certificate came in the mail the other day, that was awesome. And, oh, my ex-husband and I have reconciled and are getting married again next Friday, yeah, that. If that isn’t over the moon positive and worth being a little more than excited about, I don’t know what is. But I realized I wasn’t sitting in that space. I was distracted by the negative energy. We went to get our marriage license the other day and had to rush through it because I had to get back for a meeting, he had stuff too, but I think I put more pres
sure on myself to get back. Yes, we did have to hang out while they prepared our license, but, man, celebrating that would have been great.
And that’s on me, and it’s on you, whenever we allow the busyness, the negative, to overshadow the positive, the joy, the celebration. That’s the awareness that struck me in the midst of my swim, and it’s one I don’t want to let go of. So I’m going to pause. Take a breath. Prioritize. Work on leaving the negative energy for God to work out instead of holding it in. What will you do? What steps will you take to hold space for the positive, to fiercely protect it and ensure it isn’t overshadowed? Write them down, have someone hold you accountable, whatever it take. Do it because if you don’t may be letting the joys of life pass you by.

April 2, 2017

Taking care of myself

empty-cup Yesterday I was going to drive up to Incline Village and connect with my good friend from coaching class. I was super excited and looking forward to spending time with her. But, of course there’s a but…back up to yesterday morning and that’s where my dilemma began.

Got up Friday, had a great swim, at home getting ready for work. bent over in the shower to shave my legs, as I do every day, and…wait a minute…I felt a twinge in my back. For those of you this happens to, you know what I’m talking about. That twinge where you know if you’re not careful, your back is going out. I say going out, I actually don’t know if that’s what happens. What I do know is that it’s like the muscles and nerves in my lower back tie themselves up in a knot and make me barely able to walk upright. Plus the bonus of pain. I stopped. Carefully I stood up and thought I’d be ok, narrowly escaped that time.

But I wasn’t. As the morning went on, it got worse and worse. I was worried how it would be in the morning when I was going to sit in the car for two hours. I used heat that night, stretched it and prayed I’d wake up recovered. Nice try. I woke up and thought I’d been beaten up in my sleep. I met a friend for coffee early and could barely sit without pain. In my mind, I still wanted to go to Incline, body be damned. This is where I started to have awareness.

Arguably, my back was (and still is) pretty bad off. On the flip side, I wanted to see my friend, I’d committed to coming up and seeing my friend. When I say I’m going to do something, it’s important to me to follow through and do it. I tend to think I’m not responsible if I don’t follow through. It’s a feeling I struggle with, it goes against my value of being responsible. Particularly when someone else is involved, it’s tough. In the past, I’ve let that overshadow my own wisdom, or what my body is telling me. With my body, I feel like I should just “suck it buttercup,” and move forward. And by and large, I’ve done that. I survived but I’m fairly sure my body did not thank me.

Yesterday something different happened. There I was, doing mental somersaults trying to decide if I should stay home and rest my back, or drive to see my friend, which in all likelihood would aggravate my back. I realized that I was really the only one holding myself to that high standard and feeling like I would be irresponsible and a bad friend if I didn’t follow through. I was putting my idea of being responsible above my own self-care. So, still struggling, I reached out to my friend, she actually encouraged me to stay home, and I did. She completely understood.

I know this happens to me fairly often, but I wonder how often it happens to you? You ignore your inner wisdom, or the way your body is telling you to slow down because you need to be “responsible”, whatever that means for you. I really only took a baby step yesterday but if this is a struggle you have, could you take a baby step too? Make a commitment to yourself, and find someone who can help hold you accountable. You’ll find that making self-care a priority is not only worth it, but it will make you stronger and more able to follow through with those things and people that are important in your life.

March 26, 2017

Something to talk about

Lost in Translation Have you ever landed in this situation? You’re having a conversation with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, friend… and quicker than you can blink, your good discussion takes a nose dive into bickering. Pinging each other back and forth, jabs, maybe a tear or twenty, ugh. What happened???

Not that anything like that has ever happened to me (audible throat clearing)… but I have been thinking about how two people, who arguable want the same thing – to get along – so easily take the plunge into bickering and hurt feelings. The truth of it is that there are actually four of you in that conversation. You, your spouse (or another innocent bystander), your ego and their ego. Yep. As soon as one of you says something that your ego takes sideways, it’s on and cracking. And in no time at all, the other person’s ego takes over too.

What if you chose a different way? What if you consciously said to yourself before your conversation that you know the other person has your best interest at heart, and what if you believed it? Ok…marinate on that for a minute.

So there are things you say that start the slide, but inevitably, other factors come into play. When we think about how we communicate, most of us know it’s not just our words. Here are a couple that get me into trouble. Tone and facial expressions. I don’t think I have tone, but have been told I do…more than once…this week. I TRY not to have tone but I’m not Siri. It just happens. Now, that’s not an excuse but, man, it’s a tough one. But tone can take the innocent comment and make it criticism, or mocking in a heartbeat. I could wish the other person was “tone deaf” but somehow that never seems to happen, and I bet it doesn’t happen in your situations either.

Now for the facial expressions. Any of you who know me are probably laughing right now. Am I happy? Look at my face. Sad? Again, the face. Mad, irritated confused, sad…face, face, face, face. It seems to involuntarily become a flashing neon sign of how I’m feeling, whether I say anything or not. I’d like to call it one of the things that makes me quirky, and it is. But again, when trying to have a healthy conversation, it can severely mess me up. I’ve tried before to deny the emotion when called on it, but that usually falls pretty flat.

We have a lot of opportunities each day to practice our communication, and some count more than others. Go back to the ego for a minute. If you were successful in doing a gut check on where yours’ is, you may have found that it has a mind of it’s own. Combine that with tone, facial and body expressions and your actual words and you can either foster a great, healthy, relationship building conversation, or you can end up frustrated, mad, sad…you name it.

What if, today, you started checking in with yourself and took inventory of the ways you communicate? The non-verbal ways. Think about what you may want to change, and how committed you are to making that change. If it’s important and you’re committed, stop for a minute and write down three things you will commit to that will change the way you communicate. And then? Start practicing.

My final thought is back to intent. Remember, you and the other person want the same thing, to have a good conversation, do your part to make it happen.