Category: Thoughts about life

Posted on

Moving past perfect to good

View More: http://mercarty.pass.us/lisa_kirby“Once you’re done being perfect, then you’re good.” I was listening to a podcast the other day with Jen Hatmaker and Glennon Doyle and felt socked in the gut when I heard Glennon share those words. Because I got it. Deep in my heart I understood what she was talking about. Having spent the majority of my life striving for perfection, I am tired. And the thing about it is, you never really reach perfection, because it’s based on someone else’s standards. I’ve learned you’ll never meet those. It’s impossible.

In the last year, however, I’ve been working on giving up being perfect. Straight up truth is, I’m not. No one is. We’re all one step away from a hot mess, and half the time, I feel that’s where I’m squarely sitting. That’s what life is. We go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. And that’s what I’m starting to experience. Living in full awareness of my messy life and not trying to ignore it or get away from it. It leads to so much more, the good in life.

I think that part of getting away from perfection and towards good is moving away from feelings of shame. Shame is something that we’ve all experienced it. Brene Brown studied it, speaks on it, writes about it. Her work helped me understand that shame is the feeling that you’re a bad person versus having done a bad thing. I was pondering that this morning and had another sock in the gut moment.

One of the worst things anyone could ever say to me is that they were disappointed in me. It is crushing to me. Causes me to lose all sense of self confidence, self-esteem. Today it dawned on me that I interpret someone being disappointed in me as “I think you are a bad person.” It clicked…and when it did it was as though another layer of me was shed. A deeper understanding of myself and my wiring was reached. So what do you do with that? With the past messages you may have received? For me, I’m trying to reframe them. Thinking that in those instances I may have done a bad thing, but I’m not, nor was I, a bad person.

I also realized this week that part of perfectionism for me was really not trusting myself. Constant striving. Always doing what I thought I was supposed to do to color within the lines, to follow every rule. There’s very little independent thinking or reasoning when you’re sticking to the plan. So now, I have to ask if I really trust myself. My own decisions. I think I do trust myself when it’s something I know well, like work, but personal things are a lot harder. I question myself a lot and have a hard time getting to an answer at times.

So what’s so good about all this? Well first off, I’m realizing it. I’m making my own choices. Living in my mess knowing that good is going to come from it. Letting go of the impossible burden of perfectionism. Learning to trust myself and in the process trusting others more. And the truth is, I don’t believe I’m alone. I believe that the experiences I’m having, the realizations, are the same that others have…once you’ve lived for a while.  The challenge is to not only be aware of the messages that have been programmed, but to choose different to think differently. To make decisions for my life based on what is good for me now – not what I think should be good for me now. To listen to the truth. As with anything else in life that’s worth it, I’ll have to work at it. How about you? Are you ready to believe in yourself? Trust yourself? Get to the good stuff? Let’s do it together, be brave together.

Posted on

A Rite of Passage

love yourselfI feel like I should issue a spoiler alert. To all my young friends, I’m going to throw down a bit about middle age. If you don’t want to know what’s coming, proceed with caution. I’ve been thinking about middle age and all the “joy” that comes with it, particularly menopause. I’ve heard menopause described as a “rite of passage.” Wondering if that could really be true, I decided to look up what that actually means.

Rites of passage have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So let’s think about it for a minute…yep, perimenopause, then you’re in the thick of it, and I’ve heard afterwards you move into a new phase. So, yeah, it does sound like a rite of passage. And it’s something all women go through one way or another. Truthfully, men go through it too, alongside the women in their lives and they have their own rites of passage.

So if it’s a nature process of life, I wonder why it’s so hard? At least it’s hard for me and my friends in the same boat. As I think about it, the hard part is all the physical symptoms that seem impossible to control. I did not ask for whiskers to randomly sprout from my chin; or for the hot flashes that make sleep elusive; or, let’s get honest, the uncontrollable weight gain – I think they call it the middle age spread. Let me just say…I am not amused.

But I’m wondering if there’s a different way to look at all this. The truth is, it’s inevitable. No woman can escape it. Some have fewer symptoms or are propelled into it, but we all go through it. I haven’t even mentioned the emotions that go with it, but they can be extreme. My husband can attest to the crying that came with the early stages for me.  Where is all that coming from???

What if, instead of fighting it, or resenting it, we embraced it? Leaned in to it. Accepted the fact that our bodies are changing rather than being angry about it? Accept that we have no control over it…that is a big issue. As women, we’re used to having a lot of control over what’s happening in our lives. We have taken care of our homes, our families, jobs…juggled our hobbies and things that bring us joy…for the majority of our lives. This should be something we’ve got covered. We (and I include me in that), want to continue controlling our bodies…and we can’t.

We accuse, we blame, we fight our own bodies. And we’re tired. What if you tried to hold off a car rolling down a hill? You likely wouldn’t be successful and you’d get rolled over in the process. If you just stepped aside and accepted what was going to happen you’d save a lot of blood, sweat and tears. It’s the same thing with menopause. Our bodies want to be loved and we’re the primary person to do that. We may have grown humans in our bodies, climbed mountains, risen in our careers – whether in or out of the house. We have put our arms around others to comfort them, loved on others…but we’re failing to do that for ourselves. We fight what we need and it’s a fight against ourselves.

So if we’re in the midst of a rite of passage, why don’t we lean in? Accept what’s happening. The struggles we might be facing in the midst of the transition are ones we’re bringing on ourselves. Stop the battle. We need to love ourselves, our bodies and not abandon them during this time of transition. Know that this process is taking us to another phase in our lives.

If you’ve stuck through this post and are not in this phase, I encourage you to look at what you may be going through in life. Are you fighting an unnecessary battle? What do you really need right now? Listen to yourself, your body, your inner voice and follow it. Today, let’s choose to love ourselves as we are. We’re here for a reason…lean in to learn what that reason is. Be brave.

Posted on

A Return to Vulnerability

VulnerabilityEver had that conversation that you knew you needed to have but you were avoiding it? Maybe with a spouse, a close friend, a family member? Yeah, me too.  What happens is that instead of having the conversation, I create a story in my head about the other person’s motives, what they must be thinking, or the why behind what they’re doing. I create their side of the story without giving them a chance to chime in. And, invariably, my story is far worse than what is actually happening.

In my story, I am being hurt, slighted, or ignored. My feelings are being smashed down. It’s never a version where it all works out. It’s a version where there is conflict. And in my story, I’m upset, and crying. What does all this storytelling do for me? Well, my brain swirling about it usually leads to me actual crying, getting anxious, feeling upset…even though the conversation never happened!

Been there? Most of us have.

This was the topic of conversation with my friend/coach the other day. It started off as just chatting and next thing I know, we’re smack in the middle of it. How did that happen?? And yes, there was crying, by me of course.  There is a HUGE bonus to having a friend who started as my coach. We float in and out of that mode at times. So she knows me. We’ve gone there. And when she sees it, she gently calls me on my crap. Those are friends everyone should have, in my opinion.

She pushed up on me and I’ll spare you the gory details but it came back to vulnerability. Rather than having a conversation, I was creating story. So the bigger question is why not just have the conversation? Well that was scary, full of unknowns, had the potential for me to get hurt. Then again, was it hurt, or was it that the other person wouldn’t see things from my perspective. The truth is, they might not. So what was really keeping me from having that conversation?

Vulnerability. I’d have to be vulnerable, share what I was thinking. Open myself up to those unknowns. Now that was scary. But was it worse than what I was doing to myself? Creating the stories in my head. If you also create the stories, think about how much free brain space you’d have if you skipped that step and just had a conversation.

The thing is, I’d done the vulnerability thing. Moved past it. And now I had to do it again?? I think I’d always known it, but vulnerability is not a one and done thing, it’s a practice. It’s part of life. It’s what keeps you from spinning yourself into victim mode. Or from creating stress and strife – in your head – about your relationships. Being vulnerable lets you speak your truth. Let’s you be your true self, and how the other person responds is up to them, but if you speak from a place of vulnerability, you’ll know. Instead of the story, you’ll know the other side.

I’m not going to lie, the thought of being vulnerable makes me queasy. But I have to do it. We have to do it my friend. It’s not a one shot deal. We can’t say “oh I’ve done

View More: http://mercarty.pass.us/lisa_kirby

vulnerability,” and move on to something else. So, are you in? Are you with me? This is one of those be brave moments. I know we can do it. Trust you heart, guard your heart “…it determines the course of your life.” (Prov. 4:23). Your heart knows the way to vulnerability, trust it.

Posted on

Listen to me!

bodily-wisdom-quoteHow often do you have someone in your life say, “just listen to me.” Maybe they yell it at you, or maybe you’re the one saying it.  With all the space I’m making in my life, to just be, to rest, to be creative, I’ve noticed that I’m hearing that phrase more often. Not from anybody else, but from my own body. I’m not kidding. When I slowed down enough to pay attention, I started noticing what my body was feeling, what it said to me.

It said, I’m tired, quit beating me up, I need rest…it also told me that the shape it’s in now, well that’s where it needs to be. That’s a tough one because for probably the last 35+ years, I’ve felt like I was in a diet battle with my body. The weight it would hold onto made my body an enemy. If I lost weight, we weren’t quite friends, but had reached frenemy status. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and eventually, it did. We’d go back to battle.

And that wasn’t all, I pushed myself to do all kinds of crazy, albeit fun, adventures. If I did something wildly athletic all day, I could eat without guilt. While those time truly were awesome, my body got more and more tired. The fatigue never actually went away. Now, I’ve slowed down, but less by choice and more by necessity. But in the midst of what would otherwise be lamenting for that life, the crazy adventures, I’m finding myself feeling still, content.

Once I got to that point, that’s when I really started tuning into what my body and my intuition. What it was telling me was a crazy thing. I felt more peace. I realized that my body has wisdom, it knows what it needs, rest, food, fun, love, comfort. And though I don’t always do it, when I listen and respond, when I’m actually kind to myself, my body responds favorably. I realize it’s not actually the enemy. I spent all those years essentially fighting my true self. Instead, my body has so much to say, it’s done so much for me, it’s been through life with me. Even though my brain thinks it’s my true self, it’s not, it’s just part of it. My body is the one feeling, sensing, being.

So what’s the point in sharing this with you? I’d ask you to think about how you treat your body. Are you in a battle? Enemies? Do you ignore it altogether? Any of those responses would be normal. The question is where do you want to be? I know that for many, many people, especially women, our body is a source of contention. Our image of ourselves is formed from countless sources over the years. If you grew up when I did, ultra-thin was the goal, but was it realistic? After all these years of trying, I can tell you that it’s probably not – at least for me. We need to learn to love ourselves, to listen to ourselves, just as we are now. If you were meant to be thinner, or a different shape, tune in and you can get there. How you are now, it’s where you need to be, for now. It doesn’t mean you’ll always be that way, but maybe you will. Take the brave step of putting down the sword you’ve yielded against yourself for so long.

You are not helpless in this, your body is not the enemy, you don’t have to be made at it. You can show it love and compassion, and it will reward you – with joy, peace, abundance, creativity and love. Today, be brave for yourself and always remember, be kind to the one you’re closest to, the one you’re living in, you.

Posted on

Are you in your lane?

stay in your laneThis weekend we drove to Bakersfield to visit my mother-in-law. Long, long holiday weekend drive. You know the kind. Crazy insane traffic, people everywhere, cars everywhere. At some point you just want to tell someone to stay in their lane. To relax, I like to listen to podcasts. I’ve recently started listening to Oprah’s Super Soul podcasts, love them, and one of many I played on that drive was Oprah talking to Joel Olsteen.

Now, I’m not a regular listener of Joel Olsteen, but their conversation was interesting on many levels, and one area that struck me was discussion about staying in your lane. Appropriate for what we were experiencing in that moment! Joel talked about Hebrews 12:1 “…Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Doing that requires that we stay in our lane. Our lane.

That begs the question. Do you know your lane? Because it’s hard to run your race well if you don’t even know what your lane is or maybe even the race you’re in. Or if you’re always looking into someone else’s lane thinking it might be better. Strike a chord? It did for me.

For a lot of my life, I believe I’ve been running someone else’s race, without really being clear on what race it was. That’s what happens when you try to live your life trying to meet someone else’s expectations. And you might think you know what the other person’s expectations are, but chances are you really don’t. In my case, the expectations I’d chosen to believe, and probably had enhanced in my mind, were impossible to reach, and worse yet, they probably weren’t even legit.

All trying to meet someone else’s expectations is going to do is leave you empty. Aching. Knowing that there is more you’re being called to do, but not knowing how to break out from the wrong lane you’re in to get there. I know, I’ve been there. I was in the wrong lane for so long, and in reality, I wasn’t that far off track, but off enough to feel the ache. Enough to know that there was more that God was calling me to do. It looks like unhappiness, it feels a little like depression, life feels flat.

And I searched, mainly within myself. I looked deep inside at my beliefs. At what was holding me back. I questioned a lot of things in my life. A spiral…so many false beliefs …assumptions…based on what I thought I should be doing, or what I thought other people wanted me to do. Things I believed, and when I finally realized they weren’t true, that I didn’t have to feel restricted by them anymore…well then what??

That’s when I found my lane. Stepped into the me that I was created to be. And all my wiring finally started coming together. I remember feeling like I was stepping into my life, into confidence in how I was created and what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t exactly what I thought, because that’s other thing. Sometimes we think we want to be in a particular lane and it’s not where we belong. We can force it, muscle it, but only for a while. But when it’s wrong it will exhaust you.

What about you? Whose lane are you in, yours’ or someone else’s? If you want to run your race, get into your lane! Don’t think the person next to you has a better lane, more glamorous lane. Know that your race is just that, it’s your race, unique, and specially created for you. Only you and God know what that race is supposed to be. When you find it, or if you’ve already found it, you’ll know that it is an amazing place to be. Life clicks. You have to be brave to get there, to stay there. I did, it’s still a journey, but I’m staying in my lane while I do it. I hope you’ll join me.

Posted on

Grab on…

View More: http://mercarty.pass.us/lisa_kirbyI was at a women’s conference yesterday, Christine Caine’s Propel Activate Conference. It was a fire hose of a day with amazing speakers throughout. As always, my brain wanders in many different directions and by the time we nearing the end, I had a lot of ideas on the brink of happening. Lisa Harper was the last speaker and she was the perfect choice because she used humor with her message which kept me engaged at the end of a long day.

I’ve been through times in my life when, to be transparent, I’ve seen myself as a victim. Let me define that. A victim of my circumstances. Life was happening to me. I didn’t feel I had any control. I felt like I was along for the ride. Truth is, I lived to other peoples’ expectations, didn’t speak up for what I wanted, typical life of a people pleaser. But I wasn’t happy. Discontent but couldn’t put my finger on it. The great thing about being in that space is that you can blame others for things that happen. Someone else is calling the shots, not me, so I wash my hands of it. Not a good place to be, for anyone.

Last year, my eyes were opened to that reality and I started taking more ownership for my life. Calling the shots, taking chances, even if I risked failing. But it’s a process, one that is still ongoing. Yesterday Lisa Harper’s told the 2,000+ women that God will never tell you that you’re “not good enough,” and challenged us to look at what He’s calling us to do. To be honest, that’s a message a lot of women struggle with, me included. Feeling like we’re not “the right one” for the job, or that we can always be “just a little bit better.”

The problem with that (one of many), is that we look for “evidence” to support our own insecurity. Things that happen around us are put into a box that supports our fear that we’re really not good enough. We build our case…and it paralyzes us.

So today, I’m calling you out on it, calling myself on it. I’m going to spend time thinking about how to propel myself forward, to further embrace the plan God has for me. I’m going to think and journal about questions like:

  • What do I feel is at my fingertips?
  • What is within my grasp but I’m not grabbing on?
  • What gifts do I have that I’m keeping on the shelf?
  • Where do I feel like I fall short…but that’s not the truth?
  • What do others tell me about my gifts that I have a hard time believing – that I could embrace and run with?

This is push through kind of work. Can be fun, but not always. It’s going to require digging, confronting myself, challenging my limiting beliefs. Those thoughts that I think about myself that aren’t true but that I’ve let myself think are true. I challenge you this week my friends, what are you being called to do? Look at your gifts, embrace them, you are amazing. We can do this, we’re brave.

Posted on

Creating Time…to Think

Slow down and Focus

I’ve been on a quest this summer to slow down. Life feels so incredibly busy all the time and I’ve been working on being more present, instead of working ten steps ahead in my head with no time to actually think. Except the more I do that, the more stuff seems to come up. It’s the proverbial peeling of an onion. My obsessive cleaning friends will get this…it’s like when you’re cleaning your house and the more you clean, the more stuff you see to clean. Next thing you know, you’re on baseboards, windows, and look out garage, you’re next.

That’s how it’s been trying to slow down my brain and life. This week, I’ve continued to work on doing one thing at a time instead of multi-tasking.  I’ve also started thinking about screen time. I consider myself a moderate to low phone user. I use it at work, there’s a little time spent on social apps, I research and diagnose myself with diseases on it (just sayin…Mayo Clinic is a reputable site…my doctor said so), ok, I can see the list is getting a little long. And yet, I think I don’t use it as much as others I know. But…I could use it less. Although, full disclosure, I think I’ve picked up my phone five times in the short time I’ve been writing this post, because I could not live without know the hour by hour weather today? Or sending a picture to my friend of something that struck me as funny?

I listened to a podcast my friend sent me this week exploring how spending so much time on our mobile devices can actually limit our creativity. Our brains stay occupied with what everyone else is saying and doing and we don’t spend time in our own creative genius space. At the Willow Creek Leadership Summit, speaker Juliet Funt spoke about the concept of White Space (check her out on YouTube). Creating time to think strategically, not meditation, but carved out time to let your mind wander – in a strategic way. I loved this concept – completely aligned with my focus in the last couple months.

I remember when I did a half-Ironman a couple years ago (first and only – kinda a bucket list thing), we couldn’t use headphones, so basically, no phone use the entire time – which for me was quite a while considering I walked the run portion. Oddly enough, it was amazing. My brain wandered all over the place…I spent a lot of time with God…I saw things in my life clearly…I felt calm and at peace. I can see now that was White Space. In the Bible, Jesus left to be alone with God and pray. Time for clarity. Leaders go on retreats to get away from day to day…to get clarity. Clarity is a White Space concept.

So how does all that fit into slowing down? If I look at the goal of slowing down, it’s really to feel rested and have clarity on the things that really matter. Get into my creative space, think and plan strategically, and gain energy. What stops me? Me. If you’re trying to find more time in your life, what stops you? You.  Sometimes we might feel like we’re along for the ride in life because we’re bombarded with doing. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

There’s a choice to make and it’s a choice I’m making. If I don’t start making time to slow down and create that White Space Juliet Funt spoke about, I’m going to keep feeling like I’m jumping from one thing to the next – like changing channels. Each of us has the ability to take back our lives from the fake need to keep up with everyone else’s lives. Let’s make the choice to live and be in our own lives. Our lives are definitely worth showing up and being our best for. Are you in? Let’s do it…be brave.

Posted on

You have choices

Choose the positiveMy air conditioning has been working marginally, if at all, for two months. During a summer with a record number of days over 90 degrees, many over 100. And now, our water heater is leaking. Yesterday, in the midst of house failures, the heat and a long afternoon, I told my husband I thought we should come up with a name for the summer, like newscasters do around hurricanes, or natural weather events. Like…Summer of living on the sun…or the even more charming…summer in a fiery cauldron.

What he said to me made me think. He told me he wouldn’t attach a negative word to this summer. Wait what??? He doesn’t want to think of it that way. You see, this is the first summer we’ve spent together since we remarried. The heat, the adversity, certainly tested us. It’s very easy to turn frustration that arises in the heat towards each other. But that didn’t happen, at all. And believe me, there have been some tense moments, especially when you wake up tired from sleeping in a hot room, think surface of the sun, all night. Instead of turning us on each other like rabid dogs, it brought us closer together. So, no, he wouldn’t attach a negative name to this summer.

I was thinking about this the other day as I attended the Willow Creek Leadership Summit. Our organization was a host site so I was able to “attend” with 300 of my work friends. The Summit featured fantastic speakers, many of whom stood out to me for a variety of reasons. During one session, Andy Stanley shared an interesting perspective. He said that we should be students of success, do autopsies on success. We often spend our time focusing on what when wrong. So what does that do? Keeps us circling the drain. Keeps us in the negative space. Don’t get me wrong, there is some value to figuring out what when wrong to prevent it in the future, but staying there is not productive.

Focusing on success, studying what went right…now we’re getting somewhere. Studying success helps us…wait for it…be more successful. In life, at work, in relationships. Spending time truly understanding the aspects that were successful, in addition to helping you replicate it in the future, puts you in a positive space. Helps you look back on situations and see the good, not pick apart the one thing that didn’t go well.

Do you naturally look for the positive? I want to say yes. But at the same time, I know that I can have a critical eye. I look for the flaw. My heart is to help make it better, but that overlooks the 99% that’s awesome. I’m quite sure that is not the most helpful, or encouraging. Even though I see the flaws, I also see the positive. I want to see the positive. It doesn’t always hold my attention as long though. That’s something I’m working on.

So back to my summer of…laughter…joy…memories. Yes, I’m choosing the positive. You see, I choose if I want to sit in negative or positive energy. Whether I want to let life and my perspective on it be shaped by what’s going on around me, or take an active, thriving role in it.

Is this an area where you struggle? You too have choices. Start looking for the joy in your life. Don’t worry as much about the flaws. Spend your time looking at how to replicate your success. You’ll feel the shift inside you, and others will notice it too. It may take some time, but it’s worth it. Choose the one thing, the one area where you want to be positive and start…right…now. I’m right there with you, we can do it, we’re brave.

 

Posted on

Are you missing your life?

Rushing through lifeI was at a workshop the other day for work and the day started with some light team building. No problem, I was thinking. I’m all over this. First question… think about a time when… and that was it… checkmate. Anytime I’m asked to remember a time, or remember when, it’s a ride on the struggle bus. My kids often ask me obscure things like, “Mom, remember that time when I went shopping with you and you hit me when you found that purse you liked?” Ok, that one I do remember, in my excitement over finding an adorable purse, I hit him. As in “oooh, oooh, look at this purse!!” Ladies, can I get a nod on that one, I mean, it was a purse. But other things like, that time at the pool, or that time we were in the car and you asked us [insert whatever random fact you can think of], those things I struggle to remember.

I’ve chalked my lack of remembering up to my failing memory. Menopause brain, just saying. But in the workshop the other day, as I struggled to think up a time to share, something else occurred to me. I’m sometimes so busy rushing through life that I forget to take the time to actually live it and remember it. It seems like there are always so many things going on that I’m jumping from one thing to the next in rapid fire pace.

It’s exhausting. The details get blurred. And while I’m accomplishing and getting stuff done, I’m not able to remember the joys along the way.  That’s not ok with me. Not ok to be so busy doing that I end up missing my life. Part of the joy of life, I think, is to be able to come up with so many answers to “remember a time…” that choosing just one is the struggle.

I don’t want to live like that anymore.

So I’ve been looking at how I can shift, how I can slow down long enough to notice the details. To celebrate the good times and, equally important, grieve the hard ones.  At my weekly girlfriend coffee, we’ve been talking about multi-tasking. The scientific proof that if we say we’re good at multi-tasking, we’re really just kidding ourselves. I used to think I was the queen of multi-tasking. But…that’s a lie. I can look at it now and realize I only paid half attention, at best, to the multiple things I was doing.

But how do you stop. Our culture rewards multi-tasking. And we’re subjected to a constant barrage of information. We juggle our multiple devices, glued to our phones for fear of missing anything, and then add on the complexities of everyday living and the information that comes at us.

It’s a choice. And actually, it’s simple. Do one thing at a time. Really, that’s it. Simple, but maybe not easy. You could sit down at dinner and just eat, enjoying your food, actually realizing that you’re nourishing your body. Have a conversation with a loved one, no phones allowed. Focus on them, what they’re saying instead of being on edge wondering what you’re missing not checking your phone, your social media, what everyone else is doing. That’s just living your life through other people. Engage in the life that’s going on around you. Notice your environment, the natural beauty, let that fuel you. If you have to be on your computer, which I do for work, do that and then stop to talk to people around you. Don’t do both at the same time.

Simple. Just do and be fully in one thing at a time. Your life is beautiful, my life is beautiful, let’s truly live it. Be brave, your life has been right there with you the whole time.

Posted on

Still Uncertain

I played hooky on my workout yesterday.  It was glorious. My friend and I were having our regular Saturday morning coffee date and talking about how much motivation it was taking us to go work out. I was going swimming, which I normally love. I had skipped a workout earlier in the week because I was exhausted, which I am most of the time, so I wanted to make it up. It started innocently with dreaming about playing hooky and the next thing I knew, it was on and crackin’. It felt indulgent and wonderful at the time.

Predictably though, I felt guilty.

In reality, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. I realized it had more to do with the uncertainty. If I didn’t go swimming, would I lose strength? Would I gain weight? More underlying…I had to admit…was the question of whose expectations was I not meeting? Who was I failing by not doing what I said I was going to do?

Mine. Only mine.

Sometime I get caught up in what I think other people’s expectations are. Uncertainty about those expectations keeps me tightly wound. But the truth is THOSE EXPECTATIONS DON’T EXIST. I say that loudly because it’s the truth I need to listen to.

I’ve realized avoiding uncertainty has a lot to do with control. Is that a news flash only to me? If I am in control of situations, the outcomes are far less uncertain. Crap. I’ve been working on letting go of control and it still comes back up.

Here’s another way it comes up, or better said, here’s how it gets in the way. Sometimes there are situations at work where I could be involved in a project, for example. Maybe even be the lead. If it’s something I feel certain about, I know my stuff, I’ll do it. But if it’s a situation where there are uncertain factors, people, tasks, I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the uneasiness. And if I push myself on it, it comes to fear. Fear because of the uncertainty of whether I’ll be successful or not. Will I fail?

But what if I do? Would that be terrible? Probably not.

When I really sit down and think about it, avoiding uncertainty, maintaining control, it all comes back to fear. And fear creates limiting thinking. It holds me back. It probably holds you back.  When fear calls the shots, we live small.

Realizing that fear underlies my avoidance of uncertainty, my desire to maintain control, is an eye-opener. So now what? If you relate to any of this, do you want to stay here, stuck? I know I don’t.  What I know is that making a plan to push through the fear can easily become a formula to control it. So scrap that. Instead, let’s look at where we are using limited thinking. Where are we using assumptions about what’s happened in the past as the truth of what will be in the future? Challenge those. Question those.

I’m still on my quest to embrace uncertainty, and I’m uncertain about it. I think that’s the point. But I’ll stay in it, I’ll play hooky, I’ll take a step I might otherwise avoid, I’ll take risk. I’m a brave girl. Be brave with me my friends, it’s a journey we can take together.