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Loving me, loving you…it keeps coming up

Love yourself - my hand my heartWhen I see themes repeating in my life, I’ve realized I better pay attention. I’m not kidding, sometimes I’ll notice that certain concepts or ideas won’t go away. They come up over and over. Such is the case with self-love. I thought I was dialing into it, but perhaps no.

Last week I went to a monthly Soul Gathering at the studio of my nutritional coach’s teacher. I think I’ve written about these gatherings before, but a group of women (and a couple token men) gather listen to insight into certain topics and then engage in supporting activities. This month was on self-love. When I saw the topic, I thought – game on, I’m in. I went with a friend who I met at the first gathering I went to and who I just love. You see, we both see the same nutritional coach, Lauren, and Lauren’s approach is to look at the why, the inner stuff, behind why we eat, why we struggle with body image and, of course, partnering with that is self-love. Fun topics, right? My friend and I are similarly situated in that regard. We struggle with maintaining positive body image, and we agreed on the ride over it would be an interesting, helpful evening.

We did three activities that night – we sent love to another, we brought in love from God to ourselves and then sent it out to others in the room, and we had to go around the room and say 3 things we love about ourselves. Whoa, whoa, whoa…internally trying to do that was hard enough and now you want me to say it out loud? Come on now, big ask…big, BIG, ask.

But the first person began, and my turn was rapidly approaching. One person said they loved their body. I looked at my friend and nearly without words we agreed those would not be the words coming out of our mouths. Closer…ok, my turn. Deep breath. I said my three things, and even got a little vulnerable, talking about how my love of my children and who they are as young men has caused me to love them even more strongly and to have a stronger heart for truly seeing and loving other people. That was an important one for me.

In hindsight, I can see that I talked more about outward facing parts of myself than internal ones. That’s still a journey. I left the gathering that night feeling settled though. Confident and strong in loving parts of me, and really thinking about God’s love.

I was describing the group to a friend and her comment was, “have you ever thought that not loving yourself is an insult to God? That he made you just as you are and by not loving yourself you’re saying that’s not good enough?” Well snap. That’s an in your face way to drive it home. The second greatest commandment in the Bible is to Love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, and to clarify – it’s not in an arrogant, “I’m all that and a bag of chips”, way, it’s loving and accepting yourself, valuing and using the gifts you’ve been given way – how can you truly love others well.

The next morning, I tried self-affirmations, “I love you,” even adding my name because I was feeling confident. Get real, Lisa. It fell a little short. But I tried, I sat in the discomfort of saying it, alone, in my room. We must sit in it, the discomfort. Life isn’t necessarily comfortable. Loving yourself, loving others, not always comfortable. Learning to stay in it – despite the discomfort, that’s where love can grow. We often look to change others or our circumstances to lessen our discomfort instead of recognizing it and dealing with our own inner stuff (ok, deal with our own crap) that causes it.

Being authentic, loving ourselves, it’s loving all the parts, even those that cause discomfort. It’s not looking externally to either affirm who we are and why we should be loved, or to change the conditions causing discomfort. It comes back to looking at life, at you, at me, through the lens of love. That’s brave.

You may already be rockin’ the self-love thing, and that’s awesome. If you’re like me and still taking it day by day, moment by moment, try this. Today, just for one minute, 60 seconds, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say out loud (or in your head…honestly doesn’t that count? I say YES), “I love you.” Put it on your repeat play list for those 60 seconds. And then, think of someone in your life and send it out to them. You can say, “God bless____,” or simply think of sending love to that person.  It may feel uncomfortable to you but do it, be brave. It’s part of growth and its part of the journey we’re all taking together.

 

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Where do you leave fingerprints?

Bubblegum FingerprintsI’m on a weekend adventure in Seattle visiting my husband’s daughter. We got here early Friday and had some time before we connected so a visit to Pike’s Place Market seemed like a perfect way to spend the morning. It was. Crazy as it is, I love perusing all the booths, looking at the beautiful, brightly colored, flowers, avoiding getting hit by a flying salmon. It’s all part of the experience.

I also dragged my husband to Post Alley, aka, Bubblegum Alley. If you’re not familiar, it’s a narrow alley with high building walls on either side which have been covered over the years with gum. Yes, gum. Every type of gum imaginable I think, all different colors, sizes… it’s extremely colorful if you can get past how gross it is to be surrounded by partially chewed gum.

As I was looking at it, I started thinking about how each of those pieces of gum contained a fingerprint. A person had stuck each piece to the wall. A life was represented by each sticky, sugary piece. Their unique fingerprint left to harden along with the gum on the side of a building in Seattle.

Ok, for just one second my mind started thinking of the crime fighting possibilities and fingerprint ID…too much binge watching of the old show Psych…but I digress.

What I really thought about was the life story of those people. Who were they? Why were they in Seattle? What were they doing that day they came to the alley?

And I thought about my own life. Beyond what I was doing that day, I thought about the impact of my own life. I listened to a great interview the other day with Elizabeth Gilbert. One of the many things she talked about was being the kind of person who comes alongside others. The one who will be in the trenches when life is hard. I was drifting a bit when she brought up how being a perfectionist gets in the way of that. What? My interest snapped back…I’m a recovering perfectionist so I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Perfectionism can get in the way of being the go to person. The one people go to when their lives are a hot mess. When they’re struggling to keep it together. If you’re a perfectionist, people might think you’re not approachable, that you can’t relate, that you might judge.

I’ve sat with that idea and it’s what came up, standing there in the middle of all that gum, all those fingerprints. I thought about my own life and how I want to show up for others. I’m a go to person for information, but am I the one whose approached when life is hard? Would I be the one a friend would pick up the phone to call when they are in a shame spiral?

For me it comes back to authenticity. My unique fingerprint and the impression it leaves. I don’t need for people to come to me when life is hard. What I want is for others to know that I’m a hot mess and I’ve been there. My life has been a series of lessons, oftentimes learned the hard way. I can relate.

I believe the best way we can show up for each other, the best way we can be in each other’s lives is to own our stuff and be brave enough to just be with others. To know that we don’t have to solve, or fix…in fact the opposite is what is needed. For each of us to know that we’ve all been a hot mess. To say otherwise wouldn’t be true, wouldn’t be authentic. How that manifests in our relationships is part of the journey. If we can be brave and own our own stuff, and come alongside others, with love and kindness rather than opinions or fixing…that’s the good stuff.

As you go about your life today, I encourage you to think about your fingerprint. Let it be a representation of the real you, the authentic you…leaving an impression of love with the lives you touch today.

 

 

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Not where I once was

Be YourselfI was talking with a friend the other day about an online post we had both seen from Jen Hatmaker. If you don’t know of Jen, she’s a Christian speaker, author, pod-caster and all around awesome person. To me, she is super relatable, and I love, love, love her. Ok, now that I’ve fan girled…her post related to a talk she’d given years ago to young men. The gist of the post that stuck with me was that looking back on yourself, say, 10 years ago, and judging that person is, in my words, comparing a baby’s ability to run with, oh, say Usain Bolt’s.

I Nowas intrigued with this idea and pondered it during coffee talk this morning with my friend. When we look back at ourselves, we do it with all the knowledge and experiences we have today. We didn’t have those back then. It’s impossible to look back and consider what we did from the same lens we had then. Choices, decisions, things we did…they were all with the smarts and experience we had at that time.

I’m not going to lie, I did some dumb things when I was young. For example, I was a young mom and did the best I could to raise my boys. But did I screw that up? Sure. Did I cause therapy? Likely. Could I have done better? Maybe. That’s the thing. Maybe. Given who I was at the time, I don’t know that I could have. If I went back in time and parented my kids with the knowledge I have as a 50-year-old woman…heck yeah I would have done things different. But as a 26-year-old? Faking it at best…along with plenty of other people.

So why is there such a recurring pattern of looking back on those early years from the middle of life and judging? For that matter, why do we look back and judge the other people in our lives? The same is true for them. They did the best they could with the tools they had. I say that, but I’ve heard that phrase before and in the back of my head heard nagging that it was a cop-out, a way to deflecting responsibility. It’s not. It’s the truth. To look back and say we would have done things differently? Well no duh. That’s why hindsight is 20/20. We have much greater insight into past events. But we’ll probably be doing the same thing in 10 or 20 years from now about our actions today.

I’m calling for a time out. We all need to stop and realize the damage it does to our own selves to look back judgmentally. You did the best you could. We weren’t waking up and wondering how we could screw stuff up. The truth is there was blind navigation of the road we were on. That’s life. That’s normal and it’s part of the journey. We can’t judge the beginning from the middle because we’re different people.

The same is true for our judgement on other people’s decisions. It’s super easy to cast stones at someone else. But we’re not them and we all have our own stuff. We didn’t have their childhood, their experiences, their joys and tragedies, we’re not sitting in their shoes. Instead, we could choose to simply be. Be with ourselves and with others.

Choose to experience life today. Not to judge it, but to experience it for what it is. Choose to be kind to yourself and to others. I know that my authentic self today was formed from all those past experiences and what I learned from them. Let’s choose to keep bravely forging ahead and leading with love, for you, for me, and for others. Loving who we are today and being kind and loving in our nostalgia, knowing that who we are today is a product of the road we’ve traveled.

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Own you…the real you

Truckee 2018Each year around the 4th of July my family spends a week in Truckee. For those unfamiliar, it’s a small town near Lake Tahoe that is gloriously beautiful. From my folks’ house we look up to the backside of NorthStar ski area. The air is clear, it’s quiet and nature surrounds you in all directions. Why we don’t go up there more is a mystery to me (although I’m firmly committed to spending more time there!). So, you have the serenity fully in your mind?

My family is awesome, and we truly enjoy being around each other. This year, ten of us were up for the week. Our Truckee days are filled with non-stop activity. And by non-stop, I mean every…single…second…This week alone there was boating, rafting, pool ‘hanging’, cornhole (lots and lots of cornhole), ping pong, foosball, bocce ball (the only sport I made a respectable showing in), foot golf, golf, hiking…you get the idea? Most days had no less than 3 activities. And then we prepare and eat dinner together followed by a lot of laughter, loud music as we sang through the years and possible a game later. Genuinely, we enjoy each other, every activity becomes a competition, we laugh, we love one another.

I love being with the family and over time, particularly over the last year, I’ve noticed that I’m wired similarly to them in many ways but am also different. I’m serious, I tire far more easily, I get worn out. The competitive spirit is not as strong. Since this is the family I was raised in, a lot of the traits passed on to me, either by nature or nurture I believe. Over the last couple years, as I’ve settled into mid-life, more of who I am is becoming apparent to me, and I’ve been working to get comfortable with who that person is.

One thing I’ve known for years is that I’m more sensitive. I can recall being young and hearing the words, “there goes Lisa, crying again.” Any potentially emotional moment. Even yesterday, leaving the family to come home, I felt the tears well up. And I’ve tried to shake it off. Be tougher, not so sensitive. It’s not that easy. As I become more aware though, I notice it’s not just emotionally. I’m sensitive to sound – especially loud noises, conflict kills me on the inside, busy-ness and rushing throw me off, other people’s negative energy pulls on me…all things I’ve pushed aside as something being wrong with me. Called it anxiety or told myself to shake it off.

But now? Now I’m learning that it’s part of how I’m wired. I’m more in tune with other people’s energy-their moods, sensitive to it, often feeling it myself. And I feel the energy of different situations, good and bad. And I can get exhausted from it. It’s a little bit like having a hangover – even though I don’t drink – exhaustion, raw emotions.

So, what to do with a week of constant activity? This is where authenticity comes in. Own and take care of my needs. I’m responsible for that. The constant activity of my family? That will, and should, continue. It means that I might take a time out, or observe, rather than be in the middle. It means breaking away from the norm and being ok with it. This year, that’s what I did. The world didn’t end, and I came home slightly less exhausted than I have in the past.

Learning more about me, who I am as an individual and owning it is an ongoing journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in who other people think we should be and how we should show up in situations. It’s far braver to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean everyone around you needs to change to suit you. It means you ask for what you need. It’s setting your own boundaries and taking a time out if you need it. There’s no shame in that.

It’s no different than anywhere you feel you’re showing up on the outside differently than what’s on the inside. Think about that for yourself. Are there areas in your life where you show up to suit others instead of being who you truly are? What step could you take today that would get you closer to your true self? Do that. It’s just one step but it’s a step in the authentic direction. I’m with you every step of the way.

 

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When to break agreements

Lessons to be learnedThe other night I was with a group of people, gathered to talk about soul ties, more specifically, cutting unhealthy ones. It was a fascinating discussion going far beyond what I would normally think of as soul ties, which would be, for example, with a spouse. The conversation was focused on soul ties with a variety of people in our lives that hold us back and how to separate from them. They can also keep us in a cycle, repeating the same behaviors with the same person even when we’ve learned the lesson we were intended to learn.

I kept thinking about that idea throughout the week, extending it in my head (as I do – much more fun that way) to the idea of the agreements we make in relationships. Primarily the subconscious ones. We may not like to think about them as agreements, but they are. And usually, they’re of the unhealthy variety. Ways that we show up with each other, and not the ones we take selfies of. The “if you then I,” variety. It’s likely you don’t like it, are not happy about the pattern, but you either don’t recognize it or recognize it and don’t know how to step out of it. The third alternative is that you know it’s there, you don’t care, it’s not you it’s them.

So how healthy is that? I’m going to hazard a guess…not very.

The more complicated pattern is when you have those agreements and maybe end the relationship you’re in, romantic, friendship, otherwise…but then you move on and recreate the same pattern. The same exact pattern that lead you down the slippery or rough road before. What’s up with that??

Yes, it’s the behavior you know, but you also have a choice. Think about a behavior you have, say, when stressed, and you are aware it’s not the most fruitful. Not causing gains in your relationships. You’re repeating it over and over. One…you’re not learning the lesson. Your taking the lesson you were maybe intended to learn with the first person and because you didn’t learn it, or didn’t recognize it, you moved on to someone else and are doing it all over again! Two…it’s possible you’re preventing the current person you’re in a relationship with from learning the lessons they need to learn – for which they were drawn to you. Over time, it can create a big, muddled, hot mess.

If you can end that agreement, take the lesson and shift to a new phase in your relationship, and if that person comes along with you, it can change everything. In order to do that, you need to take time to really look at your part in what’s happening. What are the patterns that repeat, where do you feel yourself getting sucked in to unhealthy behavior? Sit in that. Brene Brown calls that “rumbling” in her book Rising Strong. Realizing you’re down and sitting in that space for a minute, long enough to see what’s really going on. When you do, you have a choice to make. Either you keep the agreement and “wash, rinse, repeat,” or you make a choice to behave, respond, different – create a new agreement.

What helps when you’re in that space?

Don’t take it personally…the other person’s reaction, their response, it’s about them, not you. It’s their stuff.

Own your own stuff…Yep, you’re there for a reason. Take a minute to look at your own behavior.

Have you seen this episode before? If so, if this isn’t your first rodeo with this argument, this circumstance, take note. You’re likely repeating agreements.

Make a choice…You can either respond like you have in the past…how that work out for you? Or you can make a different choice.

There are times when the eventual choice is to end an agreement, cut the soul tie so that you, and maybe the other person, can move forward. I believe these times call for authenticity. Showing up as your true self, without your masks and letting the other person experience the raw you. Honest, vulnerable, leaving defensiveness and self-preservation at the door. Aka…the brave choice.

Whether it’s time to cut the soul tie, end the agreement…or time to be authentic, be brave (and those may be the same thing at times) …just do it. If what you’re doing in a relationship isn’t working, and that’s any relationship – friend, spouse, child, parent, sibling, co-worker – you have a choice to make. Today, I hope you’ll make the one that leads to a more authentic, healthy you.

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What’s your tell?

TahoeYesterday, while it was blazing hot at home, my husband and I headed up to Truckee for the afternoon to hang out with my folks. It’s beautiful up there 100% of the time and yesterday was no exception. We headed to Lake Tahoe for an afternoon cocktail cruise. Perfect way to spend the afternoon. The water was about as smooth as Tahoe can be. But that hasn’t always been the case.

We’ve been out on the lake times where we were just trying to stay ahead of a storm. Having gone out on a summer day when it was clear and then had a storm come in. The water gets choppy, the clouds roll in, the wind kicks up. All signs that this sea sickness prone girl does not want to be on the water. If we ignore those signs, we’re in for a rough ride.

I was thinking the other day about those signs in my life that tell me I’m in for a rough ride. Every Saturday I have coffee with a girlfriend and we were talking about this a few weeks ago. By choice, I try not to use profanity. But I’m not gonna lie, there are times when it slips out. Rarely audibly, but in my head. I was telling her about that and she said the same thing happens to her and called it her tell. She knows when she’s getting stressed or out of sorts when she starts to use profanity. Usually, the worst I hear out of her is “coconuts,” it’s a catch all. I love it, if I’m being honest.

That concept stuck with me. We all have tells. In poker, it’ll kill your bluff. But it life? In life we often ignore them. And we shouldn’t. Those tells, the red flag warnings, they tell us that we’re off kilter, there’s something in our life that is causing misalignment with who we are, who we aspire to be.

For me, yes, there’s the in my head cursing – but honestly, I try to keep that to a minimum – mostly though it’s my body. My body speaks to me. It tells me and shows me when I’m out of alignment. I have some wonky health challenges and most of them are provoked by stress. I’m not making that up. I see it externally in the form of exhaustion, amongst other things, constant exhaustion.

In reality, it’s proven that our bodies are the best indication of what’s really going on in our lives. We hold past hurts, emotions, stress, anxieties in our body. And those things can cause a wide range of health problems. Our body is the tell.

So why don’t I listen? In my opinion…because our brains make us think we can handle it. Our brains tell us to ignore the symptoms, whether it’s challenges with our body, or any other “tell” we have that we’re out of alignment. In the moment, it’s rare that we take the time to pause and contemplate why we’re seeing the signs that we do. But we should.

And we should not only pay attention, but actually do something about it. Look at what is causing the dissonance, the rumbling, the tell. Maybe we’re engaged in activities that rub up on our values. Or we have situations in our life that are chipping away at us every day, where we’re having to do some heavy lifting to keep the peace. Whatever it is, take steps to create a different situation so that you can bring yourself back in alignment.

That’s not always easy. I find that talking to someone about it helps…a lot! That can be coffee talk, it could be a coach – like me, it could be a trusted advisor, or a therapist – depending on what you’re going through. It requires being open to taking a hard look – and being honest with yourself. For me, I know when I’m not living my authentic life, I start to see signs. What I need to do, what you need to do may be different, but I think it comes back to being authentic. Knowing who I am, who I want to be – who God calls me to be – and taking steps to be there.

So today, I invite you to think about your tell, your red flag warning. If there’s something in your life that’s out of alignment, you’re likely already calling it out, in your actions or in your body. Once you see it, what are you going to do it about it? That’s up to you but do something. I know you’re brave my friends, and you’re worth it.

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What leap do you need to clear the way for?

she-took-a-leap-of-faithThis week I’ve been thinking about clearing space. Clearing space physically but mostly in my head. I have so many things I juggle in my head at any given moment it’s a little silly. And, in my mind, they’re equally important. Planning dinner…thinking about a task at work…dreaming of our next vacation. All equal billing.

What’s not getting enough play time? The big stuff. And more importantly…actually doing stuff that matters. I have in my head that I’m going to write a book, I will coach more, I will build flexibility and freedom into my life. That stuff? It’s stuck behind all the crap that is nothing more than distractions.

That’s the truth of it really. All the nonsense, the day to day stuff? I let it distract me from what’s important. There’s always ‘one more thing’ I want to be doing. One last email to send, one more mindless search to do on Google. I could have a medical degree for all the time I’ve spent researching, learning more about medical conditions. No joke. While endlessly fascinating, those distractions are not getting me any closer to the end game.

And I can feel it. A knowing that I’m filling my space with the wrong stuff. The uncomfortable feeling that happens when your heart, your soul, knows you should be moving in one direction and you’re stuck – because if no one does – fill in the blank – the world will end. Except it won’t. As I become increasingly aware of all the clutter, it’s like it’s starting to hit me in the face. Hey, hey, HEY…oh right, move it! Focusing, taking action on the right stuff, that’s what God wants. I’m uncomfortable because I’ve ignored the call too long, filling my life with easy distractions. I mean, seriously, would life end if I didn’t mop the floor?? (Side note…if you know me you’re silently calling me out on that…mopping is the bane of my existence…hate it…solution? Drop more food on the floor and let our dog lick it up…poof…floor clean…seriously).

It’s also easy to tell myself that “I’m getting ready,” it takes time to get ready for where I believe I’m headed. Distraction. Excuse. Fear.

Oh right, that. Fear. Not even kidding, for all the advice I give others about making shifts in their life, I drag my heals. Because of what? The fear that I’ll look stupid? That I’ll fail? In reality, so what if I fail? Plus, I believe that if I’m following the call that I believe God has put on my heart and prepared me for, I believe that even if I fail, this is part of my journey.

It’s hard to sit with that but it’s true. We look at failure as so soul crushing when it may be part of the journey we’re supposed to be on and there are lessons we need to learn in it. We, ok I, tend to shy away from situations that are less than certain to stay safe. I’ve decided safe it boring, and safe is not authentic. Authentic is following the calling. Knowing that success might be as simple as just listening and taking the leap of faith. Like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. If you follow this blog you know I was recently in Petra where we re-enacted all things Indiana. At the end of the Last Crusade, Indiana had to take a leap of faith…to cross the invisible bridge. As soon as he took the first step, the bridge was there – clear for him to see.

That’s the brave part of the authentic journey. Take the leap of faith and trusting. The bridge to where you’re supposed to go, where I’m supposed to go, will be there. Whatever it is for you, I encourage you to take the first step. The path will become clearer, you’ll guide they way. Trust yourself, you have all the answers within you.

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Do YOUR work

do your own workI’m someone who is wired to keep the peace. Not a fan of conflict, would rarely initiate it and if there is a way I can reduce the possibility of conflict for someone else, I sure as shooting am going there. This has resulted, not surprisingly, in me inserting myself into situations in which I should have left well enough alone. And in doing that, I brought myself far more grief and heartache than was mine to own.

Take my kids. When they were young and even as teenagers, I so disliked conflict between them that I stepped into it constantly. Asking them to stop. To work it out. Working it out for them. Showing them that going to me was the answer. As they got into their later teens, they were still coming to me. When I tried to push back on that, it was a little bit tricky, it was a monster I created.

And I did them a disservice. They needed to learn how to work out conflict with each other. It’s part of the ebb and flow of relationships. By taking it on for them, I kept them from doing their own work. (As a side note…they are far better at this now…I am rarely, if ever, called to be the referee).

I’ve been thinking about that concept a lot, the idea that each of us has our own self work to do. As mothers, it’s fairly common to take on burdens for our kids in an effort to protect them, to save them from experiencing heartache. To help them – or at least that’s what we had in mind. But when we do, we take our energy, that we need for our own self work, and give it away. Instead, we do the work they need to do.

It’s like that with anyone, really. If we’re not careful, it’s easy to fall into fix mode. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that’s ok, helpful. But when it comes to other matters, like relational issues, people need to do their own work – “saving” them from that keeps them from learning the lessons they need to learn, from the journeys they need to take to develop as a person.

We’re doing that our entire life, if we’re lucky. We’re continuing to learn about ourselves, how we show up in the world, interact with our environment and the people in it. Each of us has our individual journey to take. No one can do it for us. Every person you interact with is an opportunity to learn about yourself. I’ll bet there are some people you get along with flawlessly but others the turn your stomach, who you make an about face from when you see them coming. I think that the closer someone is to us the more intense our reaction to them. They get all up in our space and that’s when things get real. In those situations, though, all you can do is your part. The cumulation of your own work. If they’re willing to work on their stuff, great. If they’re not, you cannot do it for them. They won’t learn the lesson and then you’re doing them that disservice I mentioned.

And that can be hard. For all of us. But in order to learn your own lessons, to be your full, authentic self, you need to stay in your own space. Be there to support and encourage others on their journey, but don’t do the work for them so that they can be their own, authentic self. You would think that it’s easy, but it’s not. For many of us, the natural inclination is to take on their emotion, maybe in the form of negative self-talk about what a “bad” person (insert, unworthy, not enough, whatever crappy message you tell yourself, here) you are for not helping, solving, making everything better. Not that I know anything about that…that’s a lie. Letting others do their own work – and doing our own – is part of having healthy boundaries.

What’s one thing you can do today to determine where you are doing someone else’s work for them? One thing, not all the things, one thing. When you figure that out, stop. Do you feel bad about not helping, not doing the work? Don’t. Seriously. Be loving, be kind, but let them do their work – you’re relationship will be better for it and your authentic self will thank you.

 

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Finding my own way

True SelfDo you ever have the big ‘a-ha’ moments? When a bunch of the pieces of the puzzle fall into place all of a sudden? I had that…yesterday. Here’s what went down.

Earlier in the week, I went to a meditation circle – a gathering of like minded people focused on mindfulness. In our time together, our leader talked about several things, one of which was the idea that we each have a journey to live. Experiences we need to have, challenges to face, highs and lows. The degree to which we take those on for someone else, the less they learn what they’re supposed to and the less energy we have for our own lessons.

Couple that with a conversation my husband and I had in the car Friday. We were on a long (so long, painfully long, long, long…you get the picture) car ride and had plenty of time to talk. He and I are different in many ways and we were talking about our wiring. He often roots in facts and what can be proven. Me, sure, facts are important, but I’m more about the feel of things, the vibe. I also have a propensity to want to work things out for myself, to chart my own path. That person who tells me that they have found a product that will solve every problem I’ve ever had? – whatever. The more you push on me, the more I will likely choose not to follow your suggestion.

We use the DISC behavior tool at work and its sister product – Motivators (also called Driving Forces). What I describe above is a component of my Individualistic motivator. I want a say, a seat at the table, to chart my own path.

Stick with me, I’m getting to the a-ha. So, my brain has been swirling around the ideas from the meditation circle and the conversation with my husband. Think of it as mixing around the spaghetti in my head, it’s like that, honestly.

Yesterday morning, BAM – smacked in the head with one of the biggest a-ha’s I’ve had in a while.

It goes way back and answers a lot for me. My mom has always been open to many different ideas. I remember growing up she would find products and be all in. That was back in the day when the MLM (multi-level marketing) concept was in full swing. She sold beauty products that were the BEST – per her (and maybe they were, I had the wall up). She’s also the one who is always going to personal development workshops, there has been walking on fire, really. She would tell me about these products and workshops as if they were the answer, the best thing as if I should be doing it too (at least that was the story in my head).

Enter me. My response to a lot of it? Resistance. And here’s the interesting thing. I put all of it on my mom. I would think it was just one more thing she was doing. When I was young, label this ‘typical teenage response.’ As I’ve gotten older? The pattern stuck.

But here’s the thing…I’m like her in a lot of ways. What finally clicked yesterday was that all those things she does? I’d probably find them interesting today (although I am not walking on fire, no, never, not happening).  I’m exploring many of the same paths that she explored. Why did I resist? It’s the way I’m wired. I want to chart my own path. It was the approach. No fault of hers. I didn’t understand myself enough to realize what was kicking back on the inside. To find a way to take the information and explore it on my own. To come up with my own conclusions. Thinking back to the meditation circle, have my own experiences, learn for myself, let my own journey shape me.

When you have the big a-ha, what do you do with it? For me, it’s part of my authentic journey. Figuring out who I am, who God wired me to be. Leaning into the gifts of that. Not letting fear get in the way of saying what I need and charting my path.

What about you? What is the big a-ha that is rumbling around inside of you? I think we spend the first however many years of our life having life shape us and the second half, the half I’m in, figuring out what happened and how we want to live, to engage with life and others, going forward. My hope for you today is to choose the brave path, the authentic path. You’re not alone, I’m right there with you.

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What doors of your own need opening?

Doors of JerusalemI became fascinated with the doors in Jerusalem during my recent pilgrimage. As you wander around the city, whether on a tour like ours or on your own, if you keep your eyes open, you’ll start to notice the unique aspects of the doors. The colors, the textures, the sizes, the placement. Fancying myself an artsy photographer, I started snapping up pictures as we went along.

But what do I do with a bunch of pictures of doors now that I’m home? As I was thinking about them, a thought popped into my head. I’m choosing to follow it because I’ve learned that usually those thoughts are not accidental. They’re my intuition kicking in – telling me to pay closer attention.

The doors throughout Jerusalem have a story. We can imagine what it would be based on where they are in the city. But behind the doors is an entirely different story that passerby’s don’t have access to.

I thought about the doors in my life and they do just that. They close off access to those I want to keep from being too close to me. In my mind, they keep me safe. Here’s how it would go down. In a situation where I want to keep a person from not knowing certain aspects about me, the ugly parts, the door slowly closes. Same is true when I lose trust or faith in someone. Mind you, I’d say I don’t want to close the door, but it feels safer, more in control. I do this when someone disagrees with me. Slam the door. I want to protect myself, my opinion, my belief, so I close myself off to whoever and whatever pushes up against that. No solicitation friend – take your thoughts elsewhere, mine are staying safely locked inside.

After being on my pilgrimage though, I can’t leave what seemed fine alone anymore. I feel as though Israel was where I felt open. My heart, my soul, were open, receptive. I didn’t feel the need to defend. I felt settled, secure. Maybe you’ve felt like that before, the ‘knowing’ that there’s no need to close doors, to throw up walls. That you’re safe. I felt more connected to others, to myself, to God.

And then I came home.

At first, the crushing jet lag kept me in the open space, honestly, I wouldn’t have had the energy to close anything but my eyes. But it happened. As the week went on, I felt the familiar desire to protect the space around me.

What does it do for us though to shut doors? Nothing. It may seem like the answer, a way in which we can keep ourselves safe, but all it really does it keep us farther away from other people. Not only that, it keeps people we actually care about from truly seeing us, from being witness to our life and to the soft part on the inside. It creates a false sense because the door we close may be ornately decorated while the soft part inside has questions, fears, and, on the flip side, may have creative, bold thoughts and ideas that want to come out but stay hidden behind the door. Keeping others from truly seeing who we are, keeping our beliefs or thoughts hidden may seem like it’s the safe path, but it will never lead to fulfillment or to truly living our authentic life.

That leaves us with a choice. Now, granted, there are some people who we need to close the door on because they are unsafe. But for the vast majority, what would it look like to remain open? To welcome them to know our true self, the authentic, bold one who lives behind the door. We have that choice.

So, you can keep closing doors – or take the braver path and keep them open. Take pictures of doors, but don’t construct them in your life. It may feel scary and that’s normal, it’s ok. You’re not alone – we’re all practicing keeping our doors open. I hope when we meet we’ll be telling each other to come on in.