Finding my own way

True SelfDo you ever have the big ‘a-ha’ moments? When a bunch of the pieces of the puzzle fall into place all of a sudden? I had that…yesterday. Here’s what went down.

Earlier in the week, I went to a meditation circle – a gathering of like minded people focused on mindfulness. In our time together, our leader talked about several things, one of which was the idea that we each have a journey to live. Experiences we need to have, challenges to face, highs and lows. The degree to which we take those on for someone else, the less they learn what they’re supposed to and the less energy we have for our own lessons.

Couple that with a conversation my husband and I had in the car Friday. We were on a long (so long, painfully long, long, long…you get the picture) car ride and had plenty of time to talk. He and I are different in many ways and we were talking about our wiring. He often roots in facts and what can be proven. Me, sure, facts are important, but I’m more about the feel of things, the vibe. I also have a propensity to want to work things out for myself, to chart my own path. That person who tells me that they have found a product that will solve every problem I’ve ever had? – whatever. The more you push on me, the more I will likely choose not to follow your suggestion.

We use the DISC behavior tool at work and its sister product – Motivators (also called Driving Forces). What I describe above is a component of my Individualistic motivator. I want a say, a seat at the table, to chart my own path.

Stick with me, I’m getting to the a-ha. So, my brain has been swirling around the ideas from the meditation circle and the conversation with my husband. Think of it as mixing around the spaghetti in my head, it’s like that, honestly.

Yesterday morning, BAM – smacked in the head with one of the biggest a-ha’s I’ve had in a while.

It goes way back and answers a lot for me. My mom has always been open to many different ideas. I remember growing up she would find products and be all in. That was back in the day when the MLM (multi-level marketing) concept was in full swing. She sold beauty products that were the BEST – per her (and maybe they were, I had the wall up). She’s also the one who is always going to personal development workshops, there has been walking on fire, really. She would tell me about these products and workshops as if they were the answer, the best thing as if I should be doing it too (at least that was the story in my head).

Enter me. My response to a lot of it? Resistance. And here’s the interesting thing. I put all of it on my mom. I would think it was just one more thing she was doing. When I was young, label this ‘typical teenage response.’ As I’ve gotten older? The pattern stuck.

But here’s the thing…I’m like her in a lot of ways. What finally clicked yesterday was that all those things she does? I’d probably find them interesting today (although I am not walking on fire, no, never, not happening).  I’m exploring many of the same paths that she explored. Why did I resist? It’s the way I’m wired. I want to chart my own path. It was the approach. No fault of hers. I didn’t understand myself enough to realize what was kicking back on the inside. To find a way to take the information and explore it on my own. To come up with my own conclusions. Thinking back to the meditation circle, have my own experiences, learn for myself, let my own journey shape me.

When you have the big a-ha, what do you do with it? For me, it’s part of my authentic journey. Figuring out who I am, who God wired me to be. Leaning into the gifts of that. Not letting fear get in the way of saying what I need and charting my path.

What about you? What is the big a-ha that is rumbling around inside of you? I think we spend the first however many years of our life having life shape us and the second half, the half I’m in, figuring out what happened and how we want to live, to engage with life and others, going forward. My hope for you today is to choose the brave path, the authentic path. You’re not alone, I’m right there with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s