Tag: #facethefear

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Lane Lines or Open Water?

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I’ve mentioned it before, but I am a swimmer.  And if you’re a swimmer, you know that lap swimming involves staring at the bottom of the pool for however long you’re out there.  In the lane where I swim, and in most lap pools, there’s a line at the bottom of the pool that, in my case, helps me make sure I’m swimming straight.  Given that my swimming can be a little bit crazy at times, I value the line, keeps me on the right path.

But I also swim in open water.  When I swim at the lake, I think that a GPS picture of my swim would look like a squiggly line.  I sight often and try to stay straight, but for the life of me, that doesn’t seem to happen.  I veer to the right, then the left, but never really in a straight line.  Now, I like doing things right, which in this case would mean swimming straight, but if I’m being honest, I’d have to say that I really like swimming in the open water. It’s always beautiful, the air is fresh, no chlorine and I’m outside, which I would rather be any time. The factors I love tend to outweigh the fact that I feel like I must look like I’ve been drinking and that there could be sharks…ok not really, but I still think about it.

I’ve been thinking about swimming compared to the way I operate in my day to day life.  Gotta say, my set point is to follow the line.  I follow the rules. I want others to follow the rules. I play the responsible card, all…the…time.  Sure, it’s predictable and there is some comfort in that. For anyone, right? You operate in the comfort zone, play small, stay safe. Ends up being tasks before people. Before you know it, you’re living in a super clean, organized, house, all your bills are paid, you’re doing well at work, but you wake up one day to realize you are bored and…alone.

With the straight line, you get stuff done.  In the pool, I’ll crank out my yards. Back and forth, the pUnderwater lane lines.jpg.opt479x270o0,0s479x270predictable path. Open water? I’m zigging and zagging and don’t swim as far as in the pool, but it’s so beautiful!  Open water is where the adventure is.  And I’m realizing that I want that for my life.  I want the open water. I want to explore. To take the unknown road and discover something I may have never found otherwise.  It’s a way to find new passions, to actually, fully, experience life instead of staying in my lane. To focus on people, not tasks, and people can be zig zaggy too, but I’m willing to take that chance. To share those adventures with someone I care about, to make memories.

So I’m making that promise to myself, to live in the open water. And I’ll be honest, it scares me and really, that’s ok.  I encourage you to think about your own life, where are you swimming the straight line and where are you in open water?  If you’re not getting in the open water, why not try?

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What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

IMG_2909This quote, by famed minister Robert Schuller, is used all the time in inspirational quotes or speeches.  I’ve always liked it and was thinking about what I would do today during Paddleboard Yoga.  Stirring around in my head were happy memories from going to Boulder for the weekend and other adventures I still have on the drawing board in my head but on which I haven’t made a move.

I tend to think that I hold myself back from taking action, from taking risks, because the thought of failing gives me a fairly heavy dose of anxiety. No kidding, I strive to do things which I know I can accomplish.  Things that are dependent only on me. It’s why I like individual sports.  I’m responsible for my performance, for how well I “hit the bar.”  I can be like that at work sometimes too.  While I’ll always say yes to a project, I make darned sure I will succeed.  While the thought of working collaboratively with others makes sense to me, and, in concept, is something I want to do, push comes to shove, I’m taking that puppy over. I realize this isn’t my healthiest thought pattern, but I own it.  I work on it.

This morning I was doing SUP (Paddleboard) Yoga, which I love. It’s hard, my balance is not fantastic, and today I was really wobbly.  I had the “opportunity” to cool off several times when I fell in the water. I’ve done SUP Yoga 4 times now through REI.  Each time, the main instructor is Dyanna, who is awesome and who encourages me to try hard balancing poses.  The last couple of times, I’ve been trying to do a headstand.  Tried again today… more opportunities to get wet. Today in the midst of my efforts, the other instructor, Megan, told me to think about the journey not the destination. Another familiar quote, but one which always resonates with me.

And something clicked for me.  It wasn’t the headstand, no, that’s well photo documented as not happening yet. What clicked is that I was trying something which, in all reality, I had a high chance of failing. (In my head right now and at that moment, mic drop) I tried, knowing the headstand is thus far elusive to me, and nothing bad happened.   I took risk, I fell, and nothing bad happened. No one mocked me, I didn’t get hurt, I’m not on the SUP Yoga blooper role. Instead, I got encouraged for trying.  I was proud of myself for merely making the attempt.

I thought about some of the other areas lately where I’ve been brave, taken a risk, and maybe failed a little, but still tried.  And the world hasn’t stopped.  When I went to Boulder, I had a great time, after having an anxiety attack standing in the Denver airport and nearly starting to cry.  But I pushed forward. I’m in my class to become a certified coach, and it’s hard, and I feel like my first peer coaching session was a hot mess, but I’m pushing forward. I had a really hard, honest conversation with someone last week, and I don’t know where that will end up, but I was brave and I put myself out there.

In my head I so often think that I don’t take risks, that I keep myself in a safety bubble or safety zone. But now I don’t think that’s really true.  If I can shift my mind to think of things I’ve tried, maybe failed, maybe not, but that I chose to experience nonetheless, couldn’t that go on the win side in my mind?  If I could remember that even if a small part of the adventure is hard, or that I might not succeed, like my SUP Yoga headstand, but that overall I was still brave and took a chance, what else might I try? Where else have I had success but let the “fail” become how it’s defined in my mind?

There’s the challenge. I have a choice how I want to define and characterize my experiences.  I can choose fail or I can choose brave and fun and success. In that light, wow! Many more successes, being very brave. So think about it, I’ll bet you are very brave, and that you’ve had a million wins! Make the shift and you’ll see it too.

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Knowing the difference

Here’s a few things I know about myself.  I like things the way I like them, I’m fussy – truth. I can be a little tricky, much more of a daisy than I’d like to own up to. I like playing pretty and my eyeRoyal Arch Journeylashes. I love my early mornings of journaling and coffee at Starbucks.  I’m a neat freak, trying to reform, but ask my kids, it’s a real thing. I make the bed, every day. I floss, and use mouthwash, leftover food taste in my mouth – that’s not happening. I arrive early for appointments, or when I meet people – it’s polite.  I don’t like anger as an emotion in me, it doesn’t happen.  Frustration happe
ns, irritation happens, but not anger (yes, I know I’m splitting hairs). I am independent.  I am an athlete.  I am passionate about athletic fitness – not gym fitness necessarily – but fitness outside, in God’s beautiful creation. I am emotional, I cry sometimes and sometimes more than others.  I care deeply for people and want the best for them.

I also know that I am ok being alone.  I like it, to some degree.  I can do what I want to do, or not do, when I want to do it.  That’s an adventure I’m on right now.  A weekend alone…away from home. Wait, what? The away from home threw me for a loop.  Maybe I’m ok being alone in my realm at home, with my home base to go back to when I make day trips.  It gives me security.  This trip was brave for me. I came to Boulder alone on Friday and have to be in Denver Sunday afternoon for work.  It was the perfect time to make a little side trip.  I was packed and good to go.  But when I arrived, I felt overwhelming anxiety.  What was that about?? I made myself push through it, and it’s been hard.  Saturday I hiked for hours and it was beautiful, and I was at peace in nature, like I often am. Afterwards though, my not so friendly friend anxiety tried to come back. I’m aware it’s there, but I’m trying to blow it off, or at least make friends with it so it doesn’t get in my way.

All those things I know about myself, I like them – tricky stuff and all, I like being alone – sometimes, so why do I feel like this on a weekend where I’m working on being brave? I think what I’ve come to realize over the last couple weeks is that even though I’m ok to be alone, I’m lonely.  All those things I like about me, I want to share them.  I want to be sitting here talking with someone about how much fun today was, how beautiful it is here. I miss that.  It’s something I’m aware of, and I have a lot of thoughts about it that are for another day.

What I do know though is that the feeling I have of wanting to lean in, it’s still there.  I know that sometimes people will think that when you’re alone it means you’re lonely.  But it doesn’t.  I wasn’t lonely for a long time even though I was alone, for a lot of reasons.  I think that in these moments, the best I can do is to lean in to what I have, the family, the friends, the passion. And really, that’s what we all should be doing anyways, leaning in to those we love and care about.  When we do, when we have connection and love, loneliness will fade and we can enjoy where we are – at that moment.