Tag: love others

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Does what you reflect create an impact?

Spectacular beaches of fine white sand… fascinating turquoise blue sea…so reads the promotional page for Cancun. A destination I visited…in another life…where I could have stared into the sea 1,440 minutes a day. Turquoise blue accurately describes the water that in fact, is perhaps only slightly blue, if not clear. Water absorbs light that is red, yellow, and green but it scatters blue light because the rays are shorter. Larger bodies of water appear deeper blue due to the larger concentration, but cupped in your hand, water will appear clear. Images cast on it are reflected, creating a mirror image. Not unlike people. We create dual reflections. Both of what’s happening inside and a reflection of the people who impact us most.

Family reflections

My grandfather turned 95 in April. And at 53, I considered it a gift to have a living grandparent. Throughout my life, he’s been a steady force. Humble, kind, patient…a caregiver to my Nana for close to 20 years as we walked through the slow goodbye of Alzheimer’s disease. Never complaining, never even remotely considering any option but keeping her at home. Her longevity attributed to his care.

As we gathered at his bedside last week, preparing to say our own goodbyes to this force, I thought about the reflections he’s cast. I have memories of him from the earliest of ages, visiting my grandparents in Southern California back in the 70’s. Those memories appearing in my mind as faded photographs. He was a strong, quiet presence, balancing my Nana. The impact he created within my family is immeasurable. In those moments, he talked about the past, the choices, the commitments, the shenanigans…I especially like the shenanigans…so much messing around, a la 1940’s. We laughed and smiled and said I love you over and over.

We said goodbye on Mother’s Day. A final gift to my Nana. Her beloved joining her in the forever. Those of us here on earth reflect my grandfather’s impact, evident in the memories shared over and over, slivers of a reflection which create a beautiful tapestry.

Inner reflections

As water absorbs light and glimmers, reflective of its surroundings, it also shines back, from its depths. If turbulent, we see commotion and waves, but when peaceful, the smooth surface glistens. We are not unlike the water. When we’re experiencing turbulence, get ready. I’ve been told that my face reflects each and every thing going on inside of me. And though I’d like to deny it…that would be a lie. My nose crinkles, my eyes might roll (which I’d like to claim is a medical disorder, uncontrollable…that would also be a lie), my mouth shifts…askew and twisted up as though I’ve tasted eaten something distasteful.

Time and age have tempered those reflections, but I know they’re there. Not unlike my son who told me recently he was agitated…aka perhaps not safe for human contact…and he wisely chose to be elsewhere rather than risk he and I bickering. We reflect what’s happening inside us.

Reflections can be a gift

And while we reflect the impact of the people in our live who impact our lives and what’s happening within us, we can provide others the gift of reflection. I’m often surprised by what my parents, children, close friends observe in me. I mistakenly believe they don’t see those aspects I carefully tuck away, but they do. Reminding me I’m seen and calling out what I need to see.

Those observations are a gift.

The water provides us reflection, and we can do the same for people in our lives. I’m not talking about unsolicited opinions, nope. Keep those to yourself thank you very much. Observations, considerations, attributed another may not have awareness of. Ones which offer insight and opportunity for reflection of their own.

We reflect the impact people have on us, which is observable, positive or negative. I look at my grandfather thinking about his impact and consider my own. What impact do I have on others? What do the people I care about observe in me and reflect of me? If it’s not what I desire, how can I change that? Those reflections, they are the gift that allows us to evolve and grow into the person we yearn to be.

What are you reflecting? What am I reflecting? It’s a question I’ll be pondering in the coming days, weeks. And perhaps it’s one we should always carry in the back of our minds. It’s part of our journey, you and me. Be brave my friends. Lisa

 

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Unexpected lessons from rest

While I was outI basically approached the idea of time off after foot surgery kicking and screaming. Certain that I’d be fine to return to work the following week, until my doctor said I’d be out two months. What?!? Are you not aware of my superhuman ability to soldier through? Yes, and not this time. Sigh.

My desire not to make my surgery an issue for anyone else even went so far as considering not having anyone stay with me post procedure. Not wanting to be an inconvenience. Until the hospital required me to name who would be my caretaker the first 24 hours. Apparently…surgery is a real deal.

Despite my initial reluctance, the aftermath was far more than I anticipated, and I began to understand the wisdom of rest. Honestly, the first few weeks, I was still mentally attached to work. Concerned that I wasn’t doing my part. Somewhere around week four, that began to melt away and I settled into actual rest. The physical rest had been non-negotiable. Mental rest doesn’t happen as automatically. Stick your foot in a boot and call it non-weight bearing, checkmate, but the mind kept working.

We don’t realize how tightly wound we are until the impetus for the stress is removed, for more than 48 hours. Yet, rarely do we have the time to genuinely unwind. Once undone, our minds reach a point where we can objectively look at our life and ask questions. Wonder if we’re simply following a rut rather that forging our own path.

Maybe it’s the stage of life I’m in that prompted the reflection, but it smacked me head on. What do you do with all that? All the ‘stuff’ that starts coming up, the questions, the considerations? Me? I started asking myself questions. Looking at the assumptions and limiting beliefs that were getting in the way of a broader view. Different areas of life, not under a microscope, but given scrutiny. The nudges I’d been feeling in my heart, they wove together and were all singing the same song.

And the bigger question that arose, that may arise for you, is “how do I want to live out this one beautiful life that I have?” Whereas this question had been in the back of my mind, after a few weeks of rest and letting go of the autopilot which drove me, it sat right in front of me. The benefit of having extended time for healing was that it happened on more levels than one. The physical healing was obvious, but the state of mind was unexpected.

I wouldn’t have thought I’d be saying it, but it was a gift. I can understand now the benefit of sabbatical. Of a day of rest, except it took more than a day to achieve it. That we all don’t have the opportunity (sans foot surgery) for genuine rest is a shame. Other countries mandate long periods of vacation, they acknowledge and accept the need for personal rest and structure business around that principle. Considering the whole person before the business. Rest shouldn’t be a luxury, it is necessary, healing. And I have, both my foot and internally. With a clear awareness of what I want in life.

What other lessons can you learn in rest?

  • It’s possible to grow tired of wearing yoga pants every.single.day.
  • A rediscovered love of reading, and a new passion for the work of Sue Monk Kidd.
  • Crutches are not as awful as they’re made out to be, but the calluses on my hands can go away now, please.
  • You can live without showering every day, the world will not end (same goes for shaving your legs…the horror).
  • Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. People want to help.
  • Time off is a gift. Don’t refuse to take it.
  • You are worthy, independent of what you do.
  • People are kind. Period. Generous and helpful.

I could go on but want to land on the last one. People are kind. The number of friends and strangers who were generous and kind in their help astounded and humbled me. I inherently believe in the good in people and it’s there, on display in small and big moments.

My friends, I hope you find rest, time to reflect and the gift of the lessons that arise from it. You have but this one life, learn and live it well.

 

 

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Moving past differences to get to love

SneetchesWho remembers the children’s book clubs that existed at the same prevalence as Columbia House records? When my children were babies, I aspired to build a vast library of books for them and joined one of the clubs where I could quickly acquire my library for a low, low price. Many of those first books were from Dr. Seuss. In fact, they were many of the same books I read as a child.

The other day I was thinking about those books, in particular, the Sneetches. I’m not sure why The Sneetches came to mind, but it stuck. Dr. Seuss had a way of teaching children societal lessons in subtle ways. The Sneetches was written in 1961 about a society of bird like creatures. Some of the Sneetches had stars on their bellies and the others had plain bellies. In the Sneetch society, social class lines were firmly drawn based upon whether they had “stars upon thars…” (A line that sticks in my head more than 45 years later!) The star bellied sneetches fancied themselves better than the plain bellied ones. Along came Sylvester McMonkey McBean who, with his magical machine, was able to put stars upon the plain bellies. Of course, he could also remove stars, and, as you can imagine, the original star bellies wanted to continue being different, and had their removed. What ensues is stars on, stars off, until no one can remember if they had a star when it all began! It’s then that they begin to see they were never that different in the first place and a peaceful, unified society is formed.

Dr. Seuss’ book was a message about what was happening in society at the time. The 1960’s were tumultuous as the country struggled toward legislation providing equality. Yet, piece of paper the legislation was written upon did not magically change people’s views, only in Dr. Seuss’ magical Sneetch land could that happen. More than 50 years after that legislation, the country continues to struggle among lines of distinction, race and otherwise.

In no way would I suppose to suggest a magical solution for the systemic issues some face every day. It seems to me though that if we could remember that each of us is fundamentally the same that we could influence the conversation around it. In so many ways we look for and draw lines based on difference, and we need to seek out better ways to approach each other.

I particularly look at the church and the language many within those bodies have adopted. If we strip back to the original message, it’s love God and love others as yourself. It’s not, love others if they also happen to believe the same as you. It’s not love others if they fit your demographic…if they follow your faith tradition…if they are straight…if they serve, and give, and memorize scripture. One could easily keep going on the list that is created around what has sometimes become more a membership in a club than a demonstration of the love God intends for each and every one of us. But look at the commandment again, love God, love others as yourself. That’s it. No if’s, and’s or but’s. No stars on your belly or not. Love.

Every person you encounter has a piece of that love within them. Irrespective of what they look like on the outside. Every.single.person. It may be hidden with hurt, and pain but it’s there. We may not be in relationship with every person, but we can choose to love. And to seek to understand their experience, their world, so that we can draw closer.

We can show up as our authentic self, boldly showing that the love God has for us and instills within us has no boundaries. Can you imagine? It’s what we’re created to do, to be, and it would be a magical society indeed.

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What is love, anyways

Love rainbowsYesterday was spent with my youngest son, Bodie, hanging out in the Bay Area. He’s 25, 26 in a few months and he towers over me…both he and his brother do. As I often do, I think back to when he was a baby, small, not tiny, but I can remember the feeling that washed over me in the first time I held him…pure love. Anyone who’s held their child for the first time likely remembers that feeling. Looking at their tiny face, a reflection of yours, and thinking there was nothing more perfect. The same feelings swelled up in me with each of my boys. They were, they are, perfect. I’ve never hesitated in loving them since that day.

But I know that’s not the case for all parents and their children. Or, for that matter, children loving their parents. There’s something foundational about the love you feel from your parents, it’s sets the tone for the other relationships you have in your life. If you read the Bible, study the words of Jesus, He breaks down the “rules” for our lives to two simple statements. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.  Simple, right?

But we mess it up.

We pile on. We’ll love each other if. That’s where we go sideways.

We’ll love you if you adhere to what we believe.

We’ll love you if you do what I ask you to.

If layers on to what is perfect, pure, unencumbered by conditions.

Could that be because we can’t truly understand the depth of how much God loves us? It’s impossible for us to truly understand that love. So, we define it based on what life has taught us. We come into this world innocent, knowing nothing but love. Throughout childhood, we observe, we learn, behaviors that help us navigate our lives safely, ways to assure affection and love. If you study the Enneagram, your type is largely the result of how you interpreted and adapted to life around you, to the love you experienced as a child.

Though not my experience, I know that not everyone had the unconditional love of their parent as a child. And that influences how you interact with others today. I am a student of human behavior and notice that often, when people hesitate to express love unconditionally, it’s tied to fear. Fear that if they accept and love someone with all their bumps, lumps and flaws (because we all have them), that they’re not just accepting but endorsing each other’s messiness. To that I say, that’s on you.

If we break it back to the original instruction, it’s love God, love others. We’re all a hot mess to one degree or another. But when we layer on our own beliefs and experiences and weigh our love for someone else based on that? It’s a recipe for judgement, not love. The idea of “love the sinner hate the sin?” From my personal perspective, it’s a premise that inherently fails. Our human selves have a hard time separating those factors, instead, it’s a circle back to “I love you, but I judge you.”

What if instead, we tried to love people where they are. Love their heart, love their effort, their journey? Love them as they were created in their mother’s womb. Perfectly. Without judgement. Judging people is not our job. Period. Our job, the main deal, is to love other people. It doesn’t mean we’re necessarily in relationship with them, but we can hold that love in our hearts. Respecting our individual journeys. Love is love. Our lives are spent practicing sharing it with other people. It’s no good to hold it inside, it’s meant to share with others. So, in the midst of the messiness life can throw at us, we can practice bringing love into each situation. That’s our journey, one we’re walking out, together, every day. It’s our brave path in this one life we have to live. Go out and love each other.

 

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You are loved

For God so loved the worldToday marks the beginning of the biggest week in the life of the church. Palm Sunday. The day that Jesus entered Jerusalem for the final period of his life leading up to Easter. When I visited Israel last year, we walked down the same path Jesus would have walked on that journey. Down a hill with a beautiful view of the gates of Jerusalem. It’s the beginning of the week that symbolizes the fulfillment of scripture, and brings to mind the verse, “For God so loved the world.” The verse continues with “that He gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” (don’t get lost in the details if I don’t have that 100% right. It’s from my sleep hazy, coffee fueled mind – but you get the point).

For God so loved the world. I found myself getting stuck right there yesterday. It rolled around in my mind while I meditated. We’ve heard it said over and over, but I think we lose the essence of it. It gets watered down, or we focus only that later part of the verse. Don’t get me wrong, that part is critically important, I believe it and find peace in it. But God so loved the world.

Loved the world. That means every single one of us. He loved us. That means me, that means you.

During my meditation as I listened for the still, small voice, I sensed the deep meaning of God loving us. It’s more than we could ever fathom. It’s as we are, in the moment, each day. He formed us in our mother’s womb. To me that means He knew what was coming next. He knew how we’d turn out. Me, with my birth defect and later amputation – check – knew it was coming. He knew our wiring, it’s how we were made to be. From the beginning. And He loved us.

As those thoughts rolled around in my head, I felt that still small voice telling me, “now you’re getting it.” And I listened. Knowing that the love is for all of us. Without exception.

What if we believed it? Those of us who feel unlovable. Who feel like we need to be someone different that who we are to be loved. Who engage a practice of holding off loving ourselves until we reach some magical state. The right weight, a level of success, a point in our relationships where we have it “just right.” We don’t allow ourselves to feel love that is freely available to us because we condition that love. We listen to other voices telling us there is something else to it. Something else to that acceptance.

If you truly believed that love what would you do differently? Knowing that you are loved beyond measure – a concept which our minds lack the ability to truly comprehend. But even if you do, just a little, it’s a game changer.

The message that God so loves the world gets lost in a puzzle of rules or conditions, but the message is simple. Let it sit in your heart. God loves you. Feel it in your heart. Now…share that love with others.