Tag: midlife journey

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Why don’t we listen to our own voice?

Tell me what to do. Countless are the number of times I’ve uttered that phrase in the span of my lifetime. I, we, are constantly searching for instructions. As recently as thirty minutes ago, I pulled out the instruction manual to put together a bike – ok, not sure if it’s called a ‘bike’ for a one-year old, but I’m claiming it – for my niece’s birthday. There was literally one screw and I nonetheless pulled out the instructions. We rely on those directions for the things in our life, but also to help us understand how we’re supposed to go about living. Why is it that we tap into, listen to, our own voice last?

Show me how to do it

Given I have a niece, well, several, but one who is on the cusp of turning one, I observe the way that she learns. Much of what she does is trial and error until one of her parents tells, shows, her the ‘correct’ way. I can recall the same with my own children. From learning how to use a spoon, hold a cup, tie their shoes, ride a bike to how to load a dishwasher, clean the house, wash a car, drive…we provide instruction throughout their lives. It’s our job.

But is it really? Of course, it’s our job for developmental purposes, but we persist. If you continue the list, we ‘instruct’ how to do things ‘in our family,’ what to believe, what we do for holidays, the activities we engage in, who to vote for…if we’re not careful – which, to be clear, is usually the case – the result is prescriptive rather than helpful. We’re sharing how we believe, vote, practice holidays and on and on and on. What is true for us without given our children an opportunity to decide for themselves what is true.  Any opportunity for children to listen to their own voice is often squashed under the guise of parenting.

We’re not taught to listen to our own voice

My nature is to keep everything and everyone around me happy. Often at my own expense. And truthfully? That’s no one’s fault by my own, at least largely my own fault. I was not taught to listen to my own voice, that voice in my head, my intuition. And I know I’m not the only one. It’s no ding on my parents, on most parents really, including myself. We do the best we can with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time.

That voice in our head, call it whatever you want, it’s whispering what’s true for us. The challenge is that the external voices are louder. They bounce around in our heads muffling our own voice. The external is the authority and that’s ok when we’re small children because, for the most part, the intent is to keep us safe. But as we grow and become independent, our own individual self, we need our own voice to guide us and inform our decisions and choices.

Our own voice tells what’s true for us

When I was 18, I returned home from college on a break and dutifully attended our tiny chapel on a Sunday morning. The minister could be described as conservative, consistent with his southern roots. On this Sunday morning, he preached about a woman’s role in the home. I can recall his teaching as though it happened yesterday…a woman’s role is in the home…submissive to her husband. Immediately, my own voice showed up. Ummm…I don’t think that’s the way it has to work. Because, I was in college and knew everything, duh. And that wasn’t what I knew to be true.

That moment stood out to me as did other teachings from ‘the church.’ But what do you do when you’re taught by an authority figure to adopt a belief that contradicts what your internal wisdom tells you is true? Usually you adopt it. At a minimum you don’t dare contradict it. Your own voice might sit beside it in your mind and prevent you from acting on the conflicting belief, but also not acting on your own, because if you did, you risk conflict. Being told that you are wrong, or that in challenging the ‘church’ you’re in conflict with authority and you’re challenging God.

Conflict may arise when you trust your own voice

There’s a psychological phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance. In my words, it’s when you are told to believe one idea when you know another to be true. In those conditions, dissonance occurs within our minds which struggle to align the conflicting beliefs. You could experience it when you experience a person’s behavior as hostile, but they assure you is well. Your mind wrestles to make order of what you’re being told and what you observe, what your own voice tells you is true.

Real life opportunities abound to listen to your own voice

A challenge within many ‘churches’ currently surrounds beliefs about homosexuality. It’s one that struck a nerve within me and has for years. In my recollection, I’ve known people within the LGBTQIA+ community throughout my life without thinking twice about it. In fact, though I dated infrequently in high school, two of the boys I connected with later came out as gay. Couple that with a lifetime of friendships and there has never been an ‘issue’ in my mind. But from the pulpit of churches I attended throughout my life, the message was otherwise. From people in the inner circle of my life, the message was otherwise. The result? Cognitive dissonance. I wrestled with what my own voice was telling me versus what I was being told was the ‘truth.’

As increasing numbers of denominations shift their message about homosexuality, embrace what I believe is the truth – that there is no ‘issue’ – God made each and every one of us exactly as we are and if that is within the LGBTQIA+ realm, YAY! Uniquely you and LOVED – people are uncomfortable. I get it. I was too for a long time, particularly when being told at home I was wrong. And still, I clung to what my own voice was whispering, to my Truth. This conflict is one being experienced in real time, because it’s the ’church’ and people we love sharing a truth that we may not believe is ‘true.’ Recognizing the conflict in beliefs and talking about it, communicating, understanding, is helpful. At the end of the day, trust what your voice is telling you.

Hold on to your voice, always

Your own voice, your inner wisdom, she or he is there for a reason. In my case, she’s my intuition, nudged by the Divine. In the case of the ‘church,’ I can only share my journey. I left the church I was attending because the pulpit continued the message that homosexuality was wrong, that I should ‘love the sinner hate the sin.’ I called BS on that. That? It’s tolerance, it’s not love. My own voice persisted until I listened. When attending church made me angry instead of closer to God, I left. The result within my heart was peace, eventually. To be clear, following your own voice may result in external conflict. To say mine did is an understatement, but my truth was worth it.

The internal conflict of dismissing your own voice has long term consequences within our bodies. Dissonance cannot be maintained indefinitely. Our own voices are strong, and true, and beg to be listened to. Pay attention to what she is saying…she knows your truth. On the journey with you my friends. Lisa

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Nuances of a word – an exploration

Words fascinate me. The intricacies, the diversity and varied use of a mere 26 letters to create meaning for the experiences of our lives. Through my writing practice, I practice. Using different words to capture the subtle nuances of a word behind what otherwise would be banality.  Over the past few years, my passion to read has accompanied my love of words and I study the pages of books, seeing the art authors employ to describe their innermost thoughts and stories. An important component of the study of words involves the meaning. And I’ve learned that looking beyond the standard dictionary is necessary to capture the true essence of the letters on a page.

What is a virgin?

As odd as it may appear, the word virgin sparked my interest on a random Wednesday. Nothing like diving right into the meat of it. Virgin. Reading the word, you might cringe, or blush, or develop a picture in your head. One of purity and chasteness. Primarily of a woman, though the word today equally applies to a man. The Webster definition first cites: 1) a person who has never had sexual intercourse, but if you read on, 2) a person who is naïve, innocent, or inexperienced in a particular context.

Mary, the mother of Christ, who we first imagine as a virgin, wasn’t given her Virgin Mary title because of modern day definition 1) a person who has never had sexual intercourse. Barbara G. Walker in The Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets, suggests that Mary is instead simply a young, unmarried woman, period, and that the word did not hazard a guess regarding her lack of intercourse. In her book Travelling with Pomegranates Sue Monk Kidd speaks of the ancient definition of virginity. Loosely, a woman belonging to herself. Being autonomous. Many nuances of a word.

Reclaiming the ancient

A woman belonging to herself.

Five words that capture a vision. Of a woman who is unencumbered by the trappings of other people’s expectations. Autonomous and free to create her own path, carve her own destiny. Why is that not the narrative we routinely place around the vision of a virgin? Instead, we focus on the sexual purity of a woman as desirable and to be coveted. And maybe it is. The merits of sexual purity, particularly at a young age, have a physical, physiological, and safety basis. In my humble opinion, related more to maintaining a girl’s agency at a time when she is ill prepared for the implications of sex. Reasons of protection which are often shrouded with a concept of preservation.

Setting aside the physical conditions of virginity, can we recapture the essence of a woman belonging to herself? Autonomous?

Is midlife a rebirth of virginity?

At 53, I’m solidly in midlife and while it’s said that mortality is frequently contemplated in this phase, that’s not my experience. Instead, I find myself unencumbered by the expectations that plagued me in earlier years. No longer do I fret about what this person or that person will imagine about me. Genuinely. It’s none of my business. I’m discovering that, in fact, I belong to myself and am autonomous.

I am the boss of me.

Not to imply that I am unconcerned with how my actions impact others, I am. That’s a function of emotional intelligence. But the decisions I make are mine alone. I continue have flashes of someone else’s voice in my head, but I return to my own inner wisdom (well…not perfectly…so long as I’m paying attention).

Midlife discoveries

Maybe midlife is truly a time of re-discovery, as we enter, we’re inexperienced. It’s new and undiscovered, this newfound freedom. Perhaps we are virgins, of our own creation, still forming the paths we’ll travel in the second half of life. We are nuances of a word. Belonging to ourselves. Autonomous yet inner connected through relationships. Deeper relationships that in previous years, which, to my delight, I’m discovering. Particularly with women as we share our experience.

We can embrace midlife as a rebirth of our authentic selves, a time when we belong to ourselves. Without it, we ignore the daring invitation to renewal and discovery of all the experiences that await us. It’s our shared journey, unique as you and each woman who chooses it. Be brave my friends. Lisa

 

 

 

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What is anger telling you?

I wasn’t sure what it was at first, the fire inside me that at first, I thought was anxiety. But, as much as I wanted to dismiss it, I didn’t. I’ve noticed it for a few months, a shorter temper, annoyance, at times feeling overwhelmed. Still, I couldn’t name the emotion I was having. After listening to a Brené Brown’s interview with Emily and Amelia Nagoski on her podcast, Unlocking Us, and subsequently buying the Nagoski’s book, I have a name for it. I am fired up, angry, pissed really. And for once, I’m not ignoring the anger. I’m listening to what anger is telling me.

Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA collaborated to write the brilliant book, Burnout – The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. What jumped out and caused me to take stock of my own anger was a deep recognition of my own experiences within the pages. Likely because it was targeted for women. My anger was telling me to pay attention.

Anger doesn’t come naturally

As a tried and true Enneagram 9, I am usually not aware of my own anger. Though smack in the middle of the anger Triad, it stays deep inside me and as odd as that may seem to someone who finds it easily, quickly. I get…frustrated…snippy…but I wouldn’t normally call it anger. A friend once encouraged me to try yelling or screaming at full volume alone in my car. I did. I did not like it, not one little bit. Reading through the pages of Burnout, it was as though the factors that have played a role in shaping me were narrated so that I wouldn’t miss the message.

After finishing the book, I a) wanted to crush the patriarchy and creates an imbalanced system for women, and b) knew that I was angry. Still, what was the anger telling me?

What we’re experiencing

The truth is, women face different expectations than men. In fairness, men could say the same about their own gender. But while men have historically marched off to the office each day, women were expected to keep the kids, house and outside life in order. But for my generation, well, we’re the children of the 60’s whose mothers’ fought for our right to break the norm and work outside the house. Not all, but most women my age did take the career track.

Except, keeping the kids, house and outside life in order was still our job. It’s no wonder we’re burnout! And, if we’re honest, we’d say we’re resentful.

But by and large, we’re not honest about our resentment because, when we do, we’re accused of being unhinged. We must do all the things and do them with a smile on our face and remain happy and cheerful, supporting the rest of our family. As those pages opened before me, what got unlocked in me was anger. And it was telling me to pay attention.

Anger is a guide

The coaching program got my certification from uses what’s called an Energy Leadership Index. Comprised of seven levels of energy, the index ranges from catabolic energy such as apathy and anger to anabolic energy, connection with others and self-actualization, for example Since catabolic energy is destructive, it’s not healthy to remain at those levels for long periods of time. But, while anger is catabolic, it also speaks to us and is a catalyst for action.

Anger tells you what you’re passionate about. Makes sense since, it’s said, there’s a fine line between love and hate. So those areas where you find yourself angry (or frustrated for my Enneagram 9 comrades) pay attention. What is the anger telling you? What emotion is underneath it.

In my case, once I stopped ignoring my anger and started paying attention. When I did, it wasn’t surprising what I cared about, but the level to which I’d fight for it was unexpected.

I’m passionate about integrity. And while that’s not knew, for me it’s more than doing what I say I’ll do. It’s that, and it’s acting on it. If I say I believe in something, that means more than a bumper sticker. Which is scary because it can upset the apple cart, which this peacemaker is not a fan of. I’m passionate about family, my children, and my nuclear family. Passionate about supporting the LGBTQ+ community. About supporting the BIPOC community. Passionate about examining my faith and asking questions…knowing God isn’t going to disappear because have a different perspective than I once was.

What is your anger telling you?

Reading Burnout confirmed my passion to come alongside other women. The anger I feel is at the inequities we’ve faced and the false narrative we’ve listened to so that we keep the peace (I am not alone in that camp). We were told we’re the one causing a problem if we merely spoke up for ourselves, or, wanted to have a seat at the table…at our own dinner table at times. I have a passion to build up those women. My anger is telling me that it’s past time. Just as it’s past time for the BIPOC community or LGBTQ+ community to want a seat at the table.

When I finally acknowledged I had any anger at all? I word I’ll borrow from one of my favorite seasonal movies, The Holiday, I found gumption. Just as it’s explained in Energy leadership, anger is a catalyst for action. And finally…FINALLY…I’m listening.

As you finish reading, I want you to be still with yourself for a moment, breathing slowly, emptying your find. Ask yourself, what is your anger telling you? What passion is it pointing to? Now’s your opportunity to find your own gumption and follow the path. We’re in this together. Be Brave. Lisa (and, P.S. go buy the book!)