Tell me what to do. Countless are the number of times I’ve uttered that phrase in the span of my lifetime. I, we, are constantly searching for instructions. As recently as thirty minutes ago, I pulled out the instruction manual to put together a bike – ok, not sure if it’s called a ‘bike’ for a one-year old, but I’m claiming it – for my niece’s birthday. There was literally one screw and I nonetheless pulled out the instructions. We rely on those directions for the things in our life, but also to help us understand how we’re supposed to go about living. Why is it that we tap into, listen to, our own voice last?
Show me how to do it
Given I have a niece, well, several, but one who is on the cusp of turning one, I observe the way that she learns. Much of what she does is trial and error until one of her parents tells, shows, her the ‘correct’ way. I can recall the same with my own children. From learning how to use a spoon, hold a cup, tie their shoes, ride a bike to how to load a dishwasher, clean the house, wash a car, drive…we provide instruction throughout their lives. It’s our job.
But is it really? Of course, it’s our job for developmental purposes, but we persist. If you continue the list, we ‘instruct’ how to do things ‘in our family,’ what to believe, what we do for holidays, the activities we engage in, who to vote for…if we’re not careful – which, to be clear, is usually the case – the result is prescriptive rather than helpful. We’re sharing how we believe, vote, practice holidays and on and on and on. What is true for us without given our children an opportunity to decide for themselves what is true. Any opportunity for children to listen to their own voice is often squashed under the guise of parenting.
We’re not taught to listen to our own voice
My nature is to keep everything and everyone around me happy. Often at my own expense. And truthfully? That’s no one’s fault by my own, at least largely my own fault. I was not taught to listen to my own voice, that voice in my head, my intuition. And I know I’m not the only one. It’s no ding on my parents, on most parents really, including myself. We do the best we can with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time.
That voice in our head, call it whatever you want, it’s whispering what’s true for us. The challenge is that the external voices are louder. They bounce around in our heads muffling our own voice. The external is the authority and that’s ok when we’re small children because, for the most part, the intent is to keep us safe. But as we grow and become independent, our own individual self, we need our own voice to guide us and inform our decisions and choices.
Our own voice tells what’s true for us
When I was 18, I returned home from college on a break and dutifully attended our tiny chapel on a Sunday morning. The minister could be described as conservative, consistent with his southern roots. On this Sunday morning, he preached about a woman’s role in the home. I can recall his teaching as though it happened yesterday…a woman’s role is in the home…submissive to her husband. Immediately, my own voice showed up. Ummm…I don’t think that’s the way it has to work. Because, I was in college and knew everything, duh. And that wasn’t what I knew to be true.
That moment stood out to me as did other teachings from ‘the church.’ But what do you do when you’re taught by an authority figure to adopt a belief that contradicts what your internal wisdom tells you is true? Usually you adopt it. At a minimum you don’t dare contradict it. Your own voice might sit beside it in your mind and prevent you from acting on the conflicting belief, but also not acting on your own, because if you did, you risk conflict. Being told that you are wrong, or that in challenging the ‘church’ you’re in conflict with authority and you’re challenging God.
Conflict may arise when you trust your own voice
There’s a psychological phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance. In my words, it’s when you are told to believe one idea when you know another to be true. In those conditions, dissonance occurs within our minds which struggle to align the conflicting beliefs. You could experience it when you experience a person’s behavior as hostile, but they assure you is well. Your mind wrestles to make order of what you’re being told and what you observe, what your own voice tells you is true.
Real life opportunities abound to listen to your own voice
A challenge within many ‘churches’ currently surrounds beliefs about homosexuality. It’s one that struck a nerve within me and has for years. In my recollection, I’ve known people within the LGBTQIA+ community throughout my life without thinking twice about it. In fact, though I dated infrequently in high school, two of the boys I connected with later came out as gay. Couple that with a lifetime of friendships and there has never been an ‘issue’ in my mind. But from the pulpit of churches I attended throughout my life, the message was otherwise. From people in the inner circle of my life, the message was otherwise. The result? Cognitive dissonance. I wrestled with what my own voice was telling me versus what I was being told was the ‘truth.’
As increasing numbers of denominations shift their message about homosexuality, embrace what I believe is the truth – that there is no ‘issue’ – God made each and every one of us exactly as we are and if that is within the LGBTQIA+ realm, YAY! Uniquely you and LOVED – people are uncomfortable. I get it. I was too for a long time, particularly when being told at home I was wrong. And still, I clung to what my own voice was whispering, to my Truth. This conflict is one being experienced in real time, because it’s the ’church’ and people we love sharing a truth that we may not believe is ‘true.’ Recognizing the conflict in beliefs and talking about it, communicating, understanding, is helpful. At the end of the day, trust what your voice is telling you.
Hold on to your voice, always
Your own voice, your inner wisdom, she or he is there for a reason. In my case, she’s my intuition, nudged by the Divine. In the case of the ‘church,’ I can only share my journey. I left the church I was attending because the pulpit continued the message that homosexuality was wrong, that I should ‘love the sinner hate the sin.’ I called BS on that. That? It’s tolerance, it’s not love. My own voice persisted until I listened. When attending church made me angry instead of closer to God, I left. The result within my heart was peace, eventually. To be clear, following your own voice may result in external conflict. To say mine did is an understatement, but my truth was worth it.
The internal conflict of dismissing your own voice has long term consequences within our bodies. Dissonance cannot be maintained indefinitely. Our own voices are strong, and true, and beg to be listened to. Pay attention to what she is saying…she knows your truth. On the journey with you my friends. Lisa