Tag: womens coaching

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Why don’t we listen to our own voice?

Tell me what to do. Countless are the number of times I’ve uttered that phrase in the span of my lifetime. I, we, are constantly searching for instructions. As recently as thirty minutes ago, I pulled out the instruction manual to put together a bike – ok, not sure if it’s called a ‘bike’ for a one-year old, but I’m claiming it – for my niece’s birthday. There was literally one screw and I nonetheless pulled out the instructions. We rely on those directions for the things in our life, but also to help us understand how we’re supposed to go about living. Why is it that we tap into, listen to, our own voice last?

Show me how to do it

Given I have a niece, well, several, but one who is on the cusp of turning one, I observe the way that she learns. Much of what she does is trial and error until one of her parents tells, shows, her the ‘correct’ way. I can recall the same with my own children. From learning how to use a spoon, hold a cup, tie their shoes, ride a bike to how to load a dishwasher, clean the house, wash a car, drive…we provide instruction throughout their lives. It’s our job.

But is it really? Of course, it’s our job for developmental purposes, but we persist. If you continue the list, we ‘instruct’ how to do things ‘in our family,’ what to believe, what we do for holidays, the activities we engage in, who to vote for…if we’re not careful – which, to be clear, is usually the case – the result is prescriptive rather than helpful. We’re sharing how we believe, vote, practice holidays and on and on and on. What is true for us without given our children an opportunity to decide for themselves what is true.  Any opportunity for children to listen to their own voice is often squashed under the guise of parenting.

We’re not taught to listen to our own voice

My nature is to keep everything and everyone around me happy. Often at my own expense. And truthfully? That’s no one’s fault by my own, at least largely my own fault. I was not taught to listen to my own voice, that voice in my head, my intuition. And I know I’m not the only one. It’s no ding on my parents, on most parents really, including myself. We do the best we can with the knowledge and awareness we have at the time.

That voice in our head, call it whatever you want, it’s whispering what’s true for us. The challenge is that the external voices are louder. They bounce around in our heads muffling our own voice. The external is the authority and that’s ok when we’re small children because, for the most part, the intent is to keep us safe. But as we grow and become independent, our own individual self, we need our own voice to guide us and inform our decisions and choices.

Our own voice tells what’s true for us

When I was 18, I returned home from college on a break and dutifully attended our tiny chapel on a Sunday morning. The minister could be described as conservative, consistent with his southern roots. On this Sunday morning, he preached about a woman’s role in the home. I can recall his teaching as though it happened yesterday…a woman’s role is in the home…submissive to her husband. Immediately, my own voice showed up. Ummm…I don’t think that’s the way it has to work. Because, I was in college and knew everything, duh. And that wasn’t what I knew to be true.

That moment stood out to me as did other teachings from ‘the church.’ But what do you do when you’re taught by an authority figure to adopt a belief that contradicts what your internal wisdom tells you is true? Usually you adopt it. At a minimum you don’t dare contradict it. Your own voice might sit beside it in your mind and prevent you from acting on the conflicting belief, but also not acting on your own, because if you did, you risk conflict. Being told that you are wrong, or that in challenging the ‘church’ you’re in conflict with authority and you’re challenging God.

Conflict may arise when you trust your own voice

There’s a psychological phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance. In my words, it’s when you are told to believe one idea when you know another to be true. In those conditions, dissonance occurs within our minds which struggle to align the conflicting beliefs. You could experience it when you experience a person’s behavior as hostile, but they assure you is well. Your mind wrestles to make order of what you’re being told and what you observe, what your own voice tells you is true.

Real life opportunities abound to listen to your own voice

A challenge within many ‘churches’ currently surrounds beliefs about homosexuality. It’s one that struck a nerve within me and has for years. In my recollection, I’ve known people within the LGBTQIA+ community throughout my life without thinking twice about it. In fact, though I dated infrequently in high school, two of the boys I connected with later came out as gay. Couple that with a lifetime of friendships and there has never been an ‘issue’ in my mind. But from the pulpit of churches I attended throughout my life, the message was otherwise. From people in the inner circle of my life, the message was otherwise. The result? Cognitive dissonance. I wrestled with what my own voice was telling me versus what I was being told was the ‘truth.’

As increasing numbers of denominations shift their message about homosexuality, embrace what I believe is the truth – that there is no ‘issue’ – God made each and every one of us exactly as we are and if that is within the LGBTQIA+ realm, YAY! Uniquely you and LOVED – people are uncomfortable. I get it. I was too for a long time, particularly when being told at home I was wrong. And still, I clung to what my own voice was whispering, to my Truth. This conflict is one being experienced in real time, because it’s the ’church’ and people we love sharing a truth that we may not believe is ‘true.’ Recognizing the conflict in beliefs and talking about it, communicating, understanding, is helpful. At the end of the day, trust what your voice is telling you.

Hold on to your voice, always

Your own voice, your inner wisdom, she or he is there for a reason. In my case, she’s my intuition, nudged by the Divine. In the case of the ‘church,’ I can only share my journey. I left the church I was attending because the pulpit continued the message that homosexuality was wrong, that I should ‘love the sinner hate the sin.’ I called BS on that. That? It’s tolerance, it’s not love. My own voice persisted until I listened. When attending church made me angry instead of closer to God, I left. The result within my heart was peace, eventually. To be clear, following your own voice may result in external conflict. To say mine did is an understatement, but my truth was worth it.

The internal conflict of dismissing your own voice has long term consequences within our bodies. Dissonance cannot be maintained indefinitely. Our own voices are strong, and true, and beg to be listened to. Pay attention to what she is saying…she knows your truth. On the journey with you my friends. Lisa

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How to find healing through writing

It began simply enough. A tool to reach someone with whom I had no other means of communicating. That first letter, handwritten, like I was a pioneer woman, perhaps contained 100 words, at most. What followed was an ongoing practice correspondence, albeit one way, but correspondence, nonetheless. Daily letters capturing my feelings and thoughts and through those words, I discovered a love for writing. Because, through writing I was able to communicate that which I often failed to find the words to vocalize. Through writing, I found my voice and surprisingly, healing.

But why writing?

Do you recall writing term papers in high school or college? I was a Political Science major, yes, I know, why??? Going into it, I could not imagine the amount of writing required. Turns out, term papers were the norm. And not one or two pages, it’s as though I slowly compiled my own textbook. Looking back on those years, I realize I was a procrastinator, I’d roll around the ideas in my head for the paper and not put my fingers to the typewriter – yes, I’m old – until days before it was due. I do the same today. Words would flow effortless onto the pages and I’d easily finish it on time, well, on time by college standards.

Unbeknownst to me, or maybe it was obvious if I’d been paying attention, writing was a passion. In recent years, I’ve blogged with hopes of gaining an audience for other work passions I have, but I think more so for myself. Not until I was on the launch team for Allison Fallon’s book The Power of Writing it Down did I fully realize that through writing, we “metabolize our life.” No wonder it hold power in my life.

Healing through writing

Go figure that the skill we’re taught in kindergarten, or preschool if you’re Baby Einstein, could lead to healing. We struggle through those early skills books. Perfecting the art of first print and later cursive so that we can use it later in life. Looking back nearly 50 years ago to my writing curriculum, who would have know that cursive is all but dead – I question if they teach it in school anymore.

Neuroscientists have found that writing increases neural activity in and activates specific, large, regions of the brain – those responsible for thinking, language, healing and working memory. Handwriting can evoke in the brain similar sensations to meditation. The smooth flow of the hand putting pen to paper stimulates the frontal lobe, also responsible for movement, reasoning, judgement, planning, and problem solving. Handwriting also helps our brain develop a stronger learning capacity.

Why we should reclaim the power of writing

My grown children mock me, on the regular, for how slowly I text. Or that I choose to use voice to text more often than they’d like, often with disastrous results. How Siri translates what I’ve said into words I’d never say in writing is a mystery. But then again, she’s always listening. The children of the digital age, which began swinging into full gear in the 80’s, are often introduced to screens, texting, computers at a young age, and they’re losing the benefits of writing by hand. Honestly, even I’ve tapered in recent years. And while typing out these words is cathartic, it’s not the same as time spent with pen to paper.

I say cathartic because that’s what writing is. Truly a way to “metabolize our lives” as Ally shared in her book. Spending time writing without forethought, but simply letting words flow will lead you to unexpected places. In The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, morning pages are introduced. The exercise is to write without stopping for three full pages. And though it will help you become a better writer it’ll also help you clear out the junk that clutters your mind. When adopted on a regular basis, the impact may be surprising.

So, why do I write?

Back to the beginning, in those letters, I found a way to express myself. Honestly, I struggle at times to communicate what I’m thinking or feeling. I have plenty to say when it comes to matters outside myself, such as at work, but in matters of the heart. I become tongue-tied or am unable to grasp the words from my foggy mind. I become flooded with adrenaline in a stress response and unable to think clearly. I know, bananas. And though I work at it, my inner self doesn’t want to rock the boat, leaving me paralyzed.

But writing is freeing, because the words don’t fail me when I’m silent as I speak them. The pathway to communication opens in front of me. And the benefits come, sometimes, as I’ve found, unexpectedly. The truth is, 50% or more of what I write isn’t for human consumption. You’re welcome. It’s purely digesting my life. Sometimes into a journal, and others, into the fire. Hidden, or not so hidden, in each of us are slices of life remaining undigested. Writing is a tool to free us of those parts. And you may say “I’m not a writer,” and the truth is, we’re all writers. I encourage you to use the tool you were taught in kindergarten. Maybe learning to write cursive isn’t a lost skill after all. Use it on your journey.

Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Why we need other people, now more than ever

Months ago, we sent out the announcement. “Join us for a weekend of Dare to Lead™ in the cozy living room of my friend” (and partner) in this venture. I prepared for weeks (months, really), refining my material, combing over my PowerPoint and notes, preparing the materials. I’d spent the week reviewing and walking through the weekend of training in my head.

Unexpected Changes

And then, COVID-19 blew up. There’s no other way to describe in, in my opinion. What began as an easily spread, potentially serious depending on your existing health, virus in China now impacts every single one of us to some degree or another.

Yet, I was healthy, my friend – healthy, we were a go. I casually sent her a text early in the week to see if anyone had expressed concern, and the answer was no. When travel bans and “social distancing” became everyday vocabulary, we had a new landscape before us.

I got the call on Thursday morning, for class starting Friday, three hours from where I live. After much angst about it (by me) we decided to switch to a virtual class. Honestly, it’s playing out 100 times better than I’d even hoped for.

But there were a few people who dropped off. 16 hours looking at your computer isn’t for everyone. Disappointed not to participate but understanding.

More Impact from Social Distancing

I’ll be honest, when I say there was angst about the switch, it was more like a whisk stirred around all the thoughts I had in my mind about the weekend and I had to sort it out again, in 24 hours. And during those 24 hours, I also learned that a trip I had planned to Florida to celebrate a major milestone in my Dad’s career, was postponed. Along with my sister-in-law’s baby shower. And a likely celebration of my Grandpa’s upcoming 94th birthday. We Williams don’t mess around when we’re all together.

I felt the disappointment in my gut.

Along with millions of other people worldwide who are experiencing the cancellation, or virtualization, of training, conferences, weddings…school is being cancelled for weeks. Throughout the U.S. life is grinding to a standstill as we grapple with a solution to this virus.

And while I have mixed feelings about the literal standstill we’re experiencing, I am keenly aware of the immense change and disappointment millions are feeling. We’re watching the economy shift as a result of the cancellations. People are watching their retirement accounts plummet, and businesses are feeling the impact. Which trickles down to the workers, many of whom are sent home during closures and while some are paid, not all are so fortunate.

We need other people

We’re also being encouraged to stay away from others to stop the spread of the virus. So, on top of disappointment, many are shifting to isolation – a combination easily leading to depression. We need to be building resiliency.

If all goes according to plan, the virus will die out in 4-6 weeks and we’ll be given the ‘all clear’ to resume life. In military terms, we’ll be given the “As you were.” But as you were may no longer exist. We’ll be faced with recovering from the widespread impact of “social distancing.” Bouncing back may feel like starting from a dead stop.

Which is why we must stay connected to other people. While my class this weekend is virtual, we’re all on video and talking with each other, seeing each other, experiencing emotions together. We need to perpetuate those experiences with other people. Imagine if you were undertaking a complete house remodel. You may take the house down to the foundation as you begin your efforts. But you rebuild from that strong foundation.

Pour into your connections

It’s critical that we maintain and strengthen a strong foundation with people in our lives. Passivity won’t cut it. We need to actively maintain connection. Create moments for joy, shared experiences, a new way of “doing life together.” Nearly everyone is experiencing disruption and disappointment to one degree or another and the absolute worst thing we can do is isolate. We need other people, even if those people are at a distance.

We don’t stand a chance of being resilient and bouncing back if that foundation isn’t maintained. Not a single chance. People need us, we need each other. We’re facing a new normal, at least for the time being, and we owe it to each other, to our shared humanity, to step it up. Make extra efforts to connect with those you love, and those who may be alone. We’re cultivating resilience together. Distancing doesn’t have to mean disconnection. We’re literally on this journey together my friends, let’s be brave.