This is one of those times when I have a million things happening in my head. So I’m just going to see what spills out. I think it’s interesting to think about how I perceive myself vs. how others see me. I often see myself as stuck in a rut. And really, it’s dumb because I know I want to do something different, but I don’t. I tell myself there are many reasons, but in truth, those are just excuses. I know if I really put my mind to it, I could make change. So why don’t I?
Well, if I’m going to do something new, I better figure it out first. I better have all the answers, I better not make a mistake. Wait, what? Oh yeah, that’s the perfectionist in me. The perfectionist knows I’m not perfect, but doesn’t want anyone else to see it, it thinks it’s protecting me. The perfectionist tells me there are a lot of things to be afraid of. Tells me I better weight all the risks first. The perfectionist procrastinates, all to avoid blame, shame, all the feelings that come from making mistakes (thanks to Brene Brown for the spotlight on all that, ugh, why did it have to make that much sense to me!?!?) I tell you though, the perfectionist is no friend of mine. I should name it and then every time it shows up, I can tell it to get lost.
This weekend, I’m at a coaching course, learning how to help others realize their potential, work through what holds them back. The thing about a class like this is you have to/get to deal with your own crap for practice…yay. Three days of working through my stuff. As I go through it, I’m noticing the feelings that come up. One interesting one is that I feel wound up inside. Full of anxiety, a nervous stomach, feeling like my heart is racing. Yesterday, I thought maybe I drank too much coffee, it’s possible. But it happened again today and so instead of chalking it up to my Starbucks habit, I paid attention to. Every time we had to do a “practice” exercise, it came up again. What started to click for me is that as I was forced to work through some stuff for the sake of “practice” I had to push past that perfectionism, push past the rut. It was new.
I think that’s one of the things that’s hard about getting out of the rut. It’s new, it’s unknown. I might not like the rut I’m in, but I know it. It’s oddly comfortable. But in the rut, I don’t grow. And if I don’t grow, I die, maybe not visibly, but on the inside. I know I have to make change and to do that, I have to be able to live in the tension, live in the discomfort that comes from making different choices. I’m learning that no matter what happens, it’ll be ok. It’s ok even if I make mistakes. I won’t fall apart. This weekend has shown me I can move into a space not knowing what’s next. What I do know is that I’m going to stop moving through well worn rut, and step outside it. And in that space, I’ll find the fulfillment I want because my choices and path will be driven by my purpose. So hold on, it’s going to be bumpy ride.
And oh, Ellen’s doppelganger was at my training…ok maybe not really, but she said I wasn’t the first one to say it. Kristin was a lovely woman!