Author: Lisa@bbrave

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Slowing Down

I recently had minor surgery and the doctor said that afterwards I needed to take it easy.  Take it easySeems simple enough, but no.  I immediately had questions.  “So when you say take it easy, what does that mean?” He says I can take short walks but otherwise spend time resting.  So again, I have to ask, “short walks, does that mean a few miles?” Because to me, that seems like a short walk.  Apparently not.  More like around the block or less.  And are you sure I can’t swim? That’s seems like taking it easy.  No.  Not, just a little bit, just straight up no.  It’s going to be a long six weeks…

As an athlete (of sorts) I push myself – I push to test the limits of my own body as much as anything else.  So when I have to take it easy – it messes with my mojo, and in more ways than just physically.  Take it easy also means that I don’t need to get up at 4 a.m. which is what I normally do to swim or bike or walk before work.  It means I don’t get my daily dose of endorphins. It means my routine is completely thrown off, and I thrive in routine – I cannot emphasize that enough, thrive – especially when things around me are uncertain or changing.  Keeping my routine keeps me grounded. Likely I’m not alone in that.  But what I notice is that it throws me off kilter in a big way.

When I’m off kilter, off center, in this case because of the shake up to my routine (oh, and that surgery thing, that didn’t particularly make me feel fantastic), I’m more susceptible to triggers.  Things that I normally would just roll through can cause me to fall apart.  That happened this week.  But in the midst of it, really in the midst of feeling like I was having a melt down (admit it – we’ve all had melt downs), I came to a better place.  I took a few chances.  Normally I am not someone who would ever admit, much less talk about, feeling like I’m less than 100%.  It’s scary, and I have to be vulnerable – not my favorite. But I did this week, I talked to someone I really trust.  Someone who I know has my best interest at heart and whose advice I know is the truth. It’s like she held up a mirror for me.  Showing me all thing things that are going on right now– that take it easy stuff – and how that impacted me.

 

And she’s right.  Here’s what I’m learning through this experience. It’s ok to take it easy.  The world is not ending.  Yes, I’ll lose fitness, yes, my routine is wonky, but it’s ok. It reminds me of when I was cycling a lot and could hold my own.  When faced with a situation where I had to slow down on the bike, it was hard, and I mean really hard. Going my own pace was so much easier.  But the joy in slowing down, in being a buddy to someone else on the bike, was that I got to know them better.  I think maybe that’s the opportunity we have when we slow down.  You get to know other parts of yourself. The parts you just skate by in the midst of busy, in the midst of routine.  Slowing down gives space to be still, to see what comes up.  In truth, it’s somewhat of a gift for those of us who push, who thrive in the known.  It gives a chance to be still.  So for me, with four more weeks to go – I’m going to settle in – I’m going to enjoy the still – I’m going to see what God brings up – and I’m going to embrace it.

 

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Say Goodbye

BocelliAdmittedly, I am a fan of dramatic songs.  Those that have big finishes, think Whitney, Celine, Bocelli…and I loved “Time to Say Goodbye,” no matter who sang it, Celine, Celine with Bocelli, Bocelli alone, Bocelli with Sarah Brightman.  At one point I had all those versions in my iTunes, not kidding.  But that title also captures something that I’ve been thinking about, saying goodbye.

It’s not as simple as it would seem, I’ve realized.  So, I have willpower.  I can “say goodbye” to some things pretty easily, like chocolate, except with chocolate, we end up saying hello again pretty often too.  There are a couple ways to say goodbye, I think.  With a habit, for example, you say goodbye to it by simply stopping.  There may be transition, but eventually you make the shift and you’ve removed it from your normal routine.  People though are a little trickier.  On the one hand, you physically say goodbye to someone.  You may or may not be sad to say goodbye but it’s a physical act.  You might hug, you might cry, you might say see you later, or you might say good riddance. It really depends on what kind of relationship you have and the reasons behind saying goodbye.  It could be temporary, or it could be forever.

After you physically say goodbye to someone, you may not see them anymore, but you might continue to have thoughts about them.  The thoughts could be warm and fuzzy, they could be angry, or they could be distracting.  When we think back on someone we’ve said goodbye to, I think it’s not uncommon for our minds to swirl a bit.  The positive things become more positive and the negatives get worse.  But what happens in our head isn’t actually reality, it’s just our thoughts and feelings about reality.  Yes, you may have had a good or negative experience with someone.  You may have loved them, they may have loved you or you may have been hurt by them. But when our minds swirl (ok, when my mind swirls) those positives or negatives become larger than life.  The thoughts can be consuming, distracting, and they can case you (again…me) to get stuck.  It’s the quicksand.

What I’ve figured out in all my ponderings, and yes, there are a lot of ponderings…is that I have to mentally say goodbye.  I have to say goodbye to a person or situation in my head.  I can acknowledge all that it’s been to me, but I have to say goodbye.  It’s a lot harder to do that sometimes that to physically say goodbye.  I can’t just drive away from my thoughts.  I have to make choices (geez, lots of those lately). Saying goodbye in my mind is letting go of that person that has occupied so much of my thought life.  Saying goodbye makes room for other things that belong in my life.  Saying goodbye also keeps me from creating a different version of reality than what may have actually happened.  From creating a more negative or positive version.  It puts to rest what actually was, calls it done.  Frees me from the swirl, from the quicksand.

So with this kind of goodbye, there is no dramatic finish, no crescendo, no flair.  Really only I know about it, and that’s ok.  It’s goodbye but it’s also hello to everything that could be.

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Quicksand

QuicksandAs I go through this journey of life, there are certainly peaks and valleys.  I’m no different than anyone else in that regard. But what I’ve noticed lately is that there’s also quicksand, seriously.  Here’s how it goes.  I’ll be going along just fine, feeling like I’m getting mentally strong, focusing on all the right things.  Being positive, happy and then BAM, I’m sliding headfirst into a downward spiral of guilt, shame, blame, doubt and sadness.  What the???  Seriously, how did that happen?  My conclusion, quicksand.

At first it starts with one little, innocent, thought.   Maybe thinking about how I could have done something differently – ya know, for the sake of learning more about myself, making better future decisions.  That’s certainly ok, healthy even. And that little bit of sand on my toes, eh, just brush it off. Next I’m thinking, well if I could have done that, maybe the situation would have taken a different path, hmmm…maybe I messed that part up.  Sandier… Oh geez, maybe I wasn’t giving my best there, maybe I contributed more to the problem than I thought…I failed. Now I’m getting stuck. I can still get out of the quicksand, but it’s slippery.  Next thing I know…my mind has hit the banana peel, and I’m sliding into the quicksand, not only did I fail, I’m too much work, or I’m not enough, or I’m questioning my worth, looking for how I can fix the unfixable situation. Stuck, that’s what I am, crap, and very, very sandy.

Sometimes the slide into the quicksand is slow, sneaks up on me until I’m submerged.  Other times, it’s like a snow snake.  What’s a snow snake? I learned to ski when I was about 4 years old and remember my Dad talking about snow snakes.  It’s the snow snake that will all of a sudden jump out and grab your ski so you fall unexpectedly. You’re going along, minding your own business and WHAM, snow snake, you’re down…you’re face first on the snow, you’re at the bottom of the quicksand and not even sure how you got there.

The thing is, I’m learning that I have a choice. It’s like I test my luck with the quicksand, think I’m strong than it.  It’s ok to let my mind wander to the danger zone in thought land I think, but the problem is it doesn’t stop there. In my case, it’s a specific situation that keeps coming to mind that pulls me down.  I know it’s not the situation’s fault, I allow my mind to go there. To replay, to recreate, to fix, to mend.  But I also know that replaying and recreating doesn’t change anything and I can’t fix or mend it.  I want to, but I can’t, man I really want to, I even want to write that I can’t – right now – but even that’s not true.  All I can fix is me, no one else. So what I have to do is change my thoughts about it, look at it like drifting sand.  It may brush up against me but let it go by.  Letting myself become engulfed by the sand storm, the quicksand, is really a choice.  I can choose to let it pass and not fall into it because it doesn’t do any good, all it does is get me stuck.  What I can do is make choices about going forward.  Focus on where I’m heading, focus on being the best version of me that I can be.  Easier said than done, but getting stuck rips me off of the life God has for me.  That’s the ultimate goal.  So today, even though I’m faced with lingering thoughts that could pull me into the sand, I’ll let them pass. It’s my choice, and I may have to make it over and over but eventually, I won’t have to anymore.

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Maybe I am a Cat

I am a catI work a lot with behavior tools at work. I’m sure you’ve used one along the way; DISC; Meyers-Briggs; Predictive Index; The Big Five; The Harry Potter Personality Test (seriously, this is one); The Five Minute Personality Test where you’re labeled a Golden Retriever, an Otter, a Seal or a Lion, the list goes on and on. All this had me thinking, how would I describe myself, from an animal perspective, in relationships?

What if I just looked at it from a high level, I mean, fun level.  Here’s what I decided.  I am a cat.  Let me clarify for a minute, I am not particularly a cat person.  I am cat neutral.  I have not adopted 10 cats to be my surrogate children, no, I am not a cat lady.  But, if I think about how I would see myself in a relationship, a cat might be it.  Here’s the dialogue that would go on in my cat brain, “Oh, hi, hey, yeah, I do want to see you, yep, I’ll nuzzle up against you, oh, you want me to get closer, uhhh, no.  See ya.  Ok wait, I’ll come back, did you mention food? Milk? Fish? That’ll get me getting closer, maybe rubbing on your leg.  Mmmmm…that food was good, I’m out. Hi, yeah, I’m back, don’t ignore me, I’m right here, I’m loving you, adoring you, ok, you win, it’s cold and your feet are warm, I’m staying right here.”

So maybe that’s not 100% me, but kinda, and I don’t know how I feel about it.  What if you were a cat and married a dog.  They’d be all in your face, needing a lot of attention, wanting to play all the time, the cat in you would first swat them in the face and then back away, finding your own space again.  Eventually though, you would start to get used to the dog, it would amuse you and you’d become its friend.  You’d cuddle with it, maybe, and your styles would eventually mesh. The thing is, I think most relationships are a combination of cats and dogs, or other types.  They do eventually mesh.  But if you have one person who insists it’s all dog all the time, or all cat all the time, chances are you’ll end up with problems.

In order for any relationship, whether it be friends or in marriage, to work, they’re needs to be an understanding that some of us are cats and some are dogs.  If someone were to try and get rid of the cat in me, I’d probably dash away, and visa versa if I tried to get rid of the dog, they’d sulk away.  Seems pretty simple but I think we forget sometime. So whether you actually take one of the fancy personality tests or not, the key understanding for any of us is that we’re different. What I’ve learned is that you shouldn’t have to change yourself to be with someone and that’s not always easy.  People pleasers like me want to be liked, but I know that doesn’t make me happy.  So, if I’m a cat, I’m going to stay a cat, embrace the cat, and know that the cat has just as much to bring to the party as anyone else. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

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Stronger Together

Stronger WomebnI have the luxury of spending the weekend with girlfriends from high school – a very rare thing for me. We came together to do the Disney Tinker Bell Half Marathon – and this is where my major disclaimer comes in – I am not against Disney, but I am Universal Studios loyal.  But to hang with my friends, down I drove yesterday to Anaheim.  How people drive in the LA traffic I have no idea.  It took me over 9 hours and became increasingly painful through LA, barely moving.  Once I got here, all that was forgotten and we fell into the same easy conversation as the last time we were together.  Plus we have the bonus of my friend’s sisters and college room-mate being here too.

But this isn’t about that, per se.  I have a lot of friends around my age, which is slowly creeping up on 50.  What I’ve decided is that there is so much…and I can’t emphasize that enough, SO much… that as women, we are not told about what it’s like as we get older.  I look at my friends, my girlfriends at home, at we look great.  We’re in shape, active, healthy, all good stuff.  But the tricks our bodies play are insane.

Is it 150 degrees in this room? No, hot flash.  Did I sleep in a waterbed that exploded? No, night sweats.  How did that black whisker get on my chin? Where did my energy go? And don’t get me started on the female junk.  Why did I put the eggs away in the cabinet with the cooking spray?  Why do I cry all the time?  Having kids was great but leaves a mark on the body, just saying, especially at this age. Seriously, there is some hardwiring that goes sideways.  The funny thing to me is that most women go through it,  to some degree, but we don’t talk about it that often.  When we do, we always talk about how it seems to be some big secret that the women who came before us pledged to keep.

It makes me wonder why we don’t talk about it, for camaraderie and to normalize it.  I know that a lot of women, ok, me, believes that you have to be strong, have to persevere despite what’s thrown at me.  I don’t think I’m alone in that.  Women in general know tend to hold it together pretty well.  So I suppose it stands to reason that many don’t talk about what they’re going through except in close circles. I’m not suggesting that we embark on a free-for-all of over sharing, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it more common for women to come alongside each other to share and for support? Not to brave it out alone?  I can’t tell you how much better I feel when I realize I’m not alone, that others go through what I do.  And it doesn’t make us weak that we go through physical or other struggles, I think it probably makes us stronger to talk about it so that we can process and move forward.

What I’m learning is that women need women.  I think for me I’m realizing that more and more as I get older.  It’s a support system that I never realized would be so helpful and it was there when I needed it.  I think we need it.  So today, as I sit lounging by the pool at the VRBO house we’re staying at (super cute – despite the Disney theme), I am thankful.  Thankful that I have my friends, thankful for these friends and this weekend to enjoy our time just being and relaxing.  We may not be thankful for the tricks our bodies play on us, but we know each other, we can be real with each other – I think we all need people who we support and who support us.  Our lives are better for it.

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Teeter Totter

Oscillating

Ever play on the teeter totter as a child?  When you have someone on the other side that you trust, it’s awesome, easy flow, back and forth, up and down.  If you have the unlucky draw of someone who doesn’t like you, prepare for the sudden jerks up and down. Or if you got your parent, you could convince them to do all the work.  And when you look at it before climbing on, on good days, it’s got that perfect balance where both sides are even above the ground.

Sometimes it seems like life is a teeter totter. Ride it alone, you’re doing all the work.  You can propel yourself up, but you do have to keep doing the work to stay up.   So that can wear you out if you haven’t practiced, and you end up resting on the ground, hoping you didn’t fall too hard.  You can also have ups and downs when someone else is on it with you – there’s no controlling that. But in the end, if you work at it, you can end up back in the neutral space, and I think that’s a choice.  You don’t have to sit with your butt on the ground, you can do some work and get up.

I’ve thought about this over the last couple days.  I had a helpful suggestion given to me that was soooo well-meaning and kind.  I was so thankful for the friend who passed it along.  But there were other components that factored into it that I didn’t talk about, and those things got me feeling like I was on that teeter totter and kept dropping to the ground, of my own doing.  My mind started down the well-known path of doubt and questioning and second guessing.  Now, just the other day, I had vowed to not let myself go there anymore, but found there I was, awake for hours in the middle of the night, with my mind spinning.

But today, I got to a different place.  A healthy place.  I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make any decisions today, and that got me a little off the ground.  Then I decided to stick with not looking backwards because, a) I’d committed to it, b) it wasn’t going to answer or solve anything, and c) it keeps me stuck…ok, up a little more.  I also realized that I had no reason to feel shame or guilt with whatever I decided and that got me pretty close to that neutral space.  When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, “you are worthy of being happy,” I was on that upswing.  And that’s really the key issue.  I am worthy of being happy, and that doesn’t come from anyone else, it comes from within me and the choices I make.  I’m pushing the teeter totter.

So now I have the suggestion from my friend, and that’s it.  I can just live with it and leave it with God.  I’m open but know that I’ve got some work to do before I could act on it.  God and I have work to do and that’s ok, and I don’t know how long it will take.  But what I do know is that that ride on the teeter totter is back to normal and I got there pretty quickly.  That made it a YAY ME, “I got it!” kind of day.

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Table For One

IMG_2444[1]So I did it.  I took myself on a date! I’ve learned that what makes me happy is to have an adventure and that’s what I planned.  Here’s how it went.  I drove over to Tiburon and took the ferry out to Angel Island.  The island sits on the Marin side of the San Francisco Bay and is beautiful!  I knew that I wanted to do some hiking and had a couple of options.  I could walk around the perimeter or up Mount Livermore that sits in the middle of the island.  I flip flopped back and forth a couple of times and then decided to go up – better views and I’d be in nature.  The perimeter loop had lots of history – but I didn’t really care about that – apologies to my history loving friends.  Nature is more my thing.

As I started up the hill, I realized I forgot my headphones, but then decided that was probably ok – more time to think and just be still in my mind.  Though I don’t know if I could live there, I love the Bay Area – especially the Marin side.  I trucked up the mountain

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and took time to enjoy the views along the way.  Although…I hiked at a pace that left me a little sore today – bonus! It was a picture perfect day and just stunningly beautiful – sunscreen would have been my friend since my running dress is super cute but sleeveless, talking about accelerated tanning. (Am I the only one that happens to? That first big sun exposure of the year and the aftermath – reminding me to wear sunscreen the rest of the year)   Afterwards, I went to a restaurant I like in Corte Madera for a big salad and then to the outdoor mall across the street where I dreamt of new shoes in Sundance and sampled perfume at Nordstrom.  I moseyed home later without being worried about the time, or any pressures at home.  Probably not a date someone else would choose, but super relaxing and therapeutic for me!

I had a great time and came home relaxed, but I think the better part of the day is what and what didn’t go on in my head. I made a choice not to dwell but to just let thoughts flow in my mind as I walked and see what came up. I’ve been going through a tough (stating it mildly) season, one that has caused me to spend a lot of time in self-reflection, more than usual and that’s saying a lot.  Looking back, trying to understand, being angry, wanting answers, wondering what I did or didn’t do, guilt, shame…you name it, I probably felt it at least once.  But here’s really sunk in yesterday, even though I already knew this… I’m not going to get answers, I’m not going to get “closure” of this situation from anyone but myself.  I have to make a choice to look at today, to look forward instead of looking back.  God has given me everything I need to move forward.  He forgives me when I need to be forgiven.  I need to choose to live happily, to choose joy, to be kind to myself.  God is not a micro manager – only I can change my story.  He’s given me everything I need to get to a different place.  I don’t want anyone to look at me and think my current story – or the story I would tell before yesterday – is my entire life.  It’s a chapter – the chapter some people met me in the middle of.  But there is so much more life for me, so much more that I have to give to others and give to myself.

That said, I don’t know what lies ahead, I really don’t.  But what I do know is that I can make choices about what I bring into my life. What I allow to swim around in my head, what I meditate on.  Continuing to rehash and re-evaluate won’t change anything and I don’t say that loosely.  It’s the truth.  I can’t change anything in the past, but I can choose, I am choosing, to see if different, from a different perspective, one whIMG_2445[1]ere I give myself and others mercy and grace.

I was asked if there will be a second date.  Yes, I would go out with me again and enjoy that table for one – I’m worth it.

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Getting my mojo back…or maybe finally getting it for real

title-bar-mojo-back-sm

So I’ve felt it in a few different ways… it’s being on my bike when feeling strong like I’m riding with a tailwind…like running downhill in great form and flying (like a rockstar!)…swimming and feeling like I could keep going and going… it’s that awesome feeling I have doing something I love and having it feel like childlike play it brings so much joy.  For me, that’s part of my mojo – but part that I lost for a long time. Why is a long story and while I could say that another person caused me to lose it, that’s really not true.  If I lost it, I consciously did so…I gave it away.  Maybe I gave it away as part of being a people pleaser or trying to do what I thought someone else wanted.  But did that make the other person or me happy? No, no it didn’t.  Instead, no one is really happy and for me, I’m not being myself and that’s frustrating, and sad and a rip off.  So I’ve been conscious of this and been working on getting back to the place where I have that joy again.  Crap, it’s hard! It’s a choice, it’s about what I choose to do with my time, my energy and just as importantly, what I choose not to spend my time on…thinking about…worrying about.

Which leads me to the second thing rolling around in my head.  That whole idea about letting myself feel confident in me, in who God made me to be, it’s a big deal.  I’m starting to notice that when I have and project that confidence, others see it in me too.  And that’s good, but not what I’m after.  Instead, I’m just aware of it.  Aware of how easy it is to talk to random people, to make conversation, to learn more about people.  How easy it is to be open to what’s around me and take it in – to really appreciate what’s around me – and be able to decide if I want to keep in that space.  But I’m also very aware of not getting too caught up in it.  That would distract me as much as anything.  I want to hold all these thoughts loosely.

I’m realizing that the more I can just notice what I’m experiencing and if I like it, if it brings me joy, or if it’s a definite no go, the more I get my mojo.  That joy, the cmojo-backhildlike joy, of doing and being with and around what I love. That just peps me up, no other way to put it. Today I was also encouraged to think about the idea that you’re never really alone – you’re with yourself and to enjoy that person! Super interesting to think about.  So getting my mojo back is partly about reclaiming my passions.  But it’s also about finding other parts of me that I hadn’t paid attention to before and enjoying those.  I think there’s a big “watch out world” in me getting ready to be unleashed.  It’s gonna be awesome!

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Talking to Myself

IMG_2438Not gonna lie. There is a constant stream of chatter in my head, seriously, ALL the time.  It ranges from deep thinking to random things…do I need the Jo Malone perfume…yes I do it’s a limited edition…well maybe not…but what about those jeans…maybe I’ll write a book…should I go to the movies today…ugh I need to clean the house… You get the picture and that was just in the last 5 minutes.  I wake up in the  middle of the night and have to tell myself not to start thinking or I’ll really wake up instead of just awake to go to the bathroom – which – ladies can I get a shout out  – that’s an aspect of getting older I could do without.

But I’m also very introspective so I think a lot about my life.  I think about my choices, again and again and again. I tend to question myself, to think through decisions from a million different angles.  To decide and then to rethink it again. I’m hard on myself.  Harder I think than anyone else would ever be.  Partially, I don’t know that that’s a bad thing.  I push myself to levels of excellence.  I push myself to do my best at whatever I set my mind to.  I strategize my choices and decisions. I’m a planner too, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if it’s used for good rather than beating myself up.  Here’s how it played out today.  I wanted to get up at 5:30 a.m. to go for an 8 mile walk – I’m training for a half marathon.  Alarm goes off and I laid in bed for a minute – so cozy.  Next thing I know, it’s after 6 a.m.  Ok, so in reality, so what?  It’s 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, I have nothing really to do today, but it wasn’t my plan.  The ensuing conversation I have with myself is actually talking myself off the cliff.  Ok Lisa, doesn’t really matter.  It’s ok if you’re day starts a little later.  Don’t let yourself be time driven, it’s not that big of a deal, let it go.  I did and it was, of course, fine.  But these are the things I think through, that I beat myself up about.  And I guarantee you that I’m in recovery and have actually gotten better – believe it or not.

When I make a mistake though or when I fall short of my own expectations – brutal.  Again, I’m trying to be in recovery about it, but it’s incredibly hard.  Can anyone relate to me on that?  The negative self-talk is crazy.  Truth is, I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes, and I’m learning that beating myself up about it doesn’t do me any good.  The over analyzing doesn’t do me any good.  It’s that idea of let your yes be yes and your no be no.  I need to do that even in my own mind about my own stuff (and I’ve got plenty).  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I think a lot of people would maybe not raise their hand but silently giving me an “Amen Sister” to the idea that they tend to beat themselves up, just like I do.  Comes back to that self-forgiveness idea that I talked about  a while ago.  It’s ok to see a mistake, but have to accept, make amends with yourself or others, and then move forward.

This idea really smacked me across the head recently when a friend shared a bit of wisdom from a book she read.  “In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself.  And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit you will tolerate from someone else.” The Four Agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz. (Side note here – the basic principles in this book made a lot of sense to me – the spiritual aspects were not something I aligned with as a Christian – but the principles were great) So this was one of those things said to me at just the right time.  I think you can hear things from people at times and they might just bounce off.  But if they hit you at just the right time, you might be open to hearing and applying.  That’s how this hit me.  It really made me think about relationships I’ve had and the constant feeling of not being enough or not meeting that person’s expectations.

It really hit me from the standpoint of the tipping point.  The tipping point where I felt like my eyes opened to what was happening and that was not ok anymore.  The whole thing really made me think about the way I talk to myself too.  If I’m setting the standard for what’s ok, I need to change that standard.  I already know this but it helped drive home how important it is that I treat myself well, with kindness.  I need to give myself a break, remember that I’m not perfect, remember that making a mistake or bad decision does not make me a bad person.  IF I can shift the way I think about the way I treat myself then what expect from others will shift.  That may come with some tough decisions, decisions about whether a relationship is healthy or toxic and stopping if it’s the later.  BUT, if I can do that, if I can treat myself kindly and expect the same – I’ll be healthier, happier and more able to live out the life God designed me for…using all my gifts and abilities well, being a good steward what He’s given me.  That’s the end game, this is just one step along the way.

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Take me on a date…

Here’s wTake me on a datehat I’m up against.  I was told that as part of the process of learning to love myself, learning what I really like and don’t like independent of what I “should” like or not like, of experiencing more of me, I should take myself on a date.  I’m sorry, what?  Yes, take yourself out, plan it as though you are planning a date with another person, except that you get to do everything you want, there’s no one else to weigh in, to consider.  Get dressed up…for yourself and go and enjoy.  Experience your surroundings, enjoy your time with you, treat yourself!

In theory
, that didn’t sound too bad. Play along with me for a minute though.  So if you’ve lived around people, yeah, just around people, and made decisions, they usually factor in what others want to do as well as what you want.  If you’re me, often those decisions defaulted to what the other person wanted to do, or defaulted to nothing out of mutual indecision or neither of you wanting to do what the other did – and tell me that’s not frustrating – soooo frustrating.  So the thought of coming up with a date with myself was a pretty big task.

I will say that going through this process has been interesting.  It’s made me think about what I like and don’t like. I like to be creative.  I like to feel pretty and shoes and clothes.  I like being outside. I like pushing my body. I like chips and ribs and sweet potato fries. As my date (which is coming up soon) gets closer, I’m going to keep being aware, just noticing things that make me happy (even my new notebook for work makes me happy, it’s gold with silver flowers. How often though do any one of us take time to think about what we really like? Isn’t that selfish? Well, not according to the counselling I’m getting, and it makes sense.  If you don’t understand or aren’t aware of what you really enjoy, how are you going to represent that in a relationship? You’d always be deferring, be pleasing, and your true self could get buried deeper inside you at the same time.

I’m not going to lie and tell you I have it all figured out, but here are a few things that come to mind. Going for a swim in the Bay, going for a long hike/walk (or half marathon), riding my bike – I see a theme, outdoors doing something.  But really that’s fun for me.  Then last weekend, I got girled up in my new running dress and shorts and felt…well I felt girly and I like
it! So there’s something about getting dressed up that’ll be part of my date with me, because it makes me feel pretty and makes me happy. But where would I go eat because there must be food? That one I don’t really know yet.

I think part of the learning in all this is that there’s a balance between protecting your interests and others, not that that’s anything new.  In order for any relationship to succeed, there’s got to be two whole people.  Not one who doesn’t express themselves, or another who is always taking from the other.  Eventually the one being taken from gets depleted and has nothing left to give. So I get it. Taking myself on a date is a chance for me to be with me.  To explore what I really like, experience what’s around me without distraction, notice what I feel and think in the midst of it. I’m still nervous about it, but it’s coming at me.  I’m going to be brave, and YES, I will go out with me!