Be Brave Blog

Posted on

Mom Land

So I’m a mom.  Have been for 23 years and counting, done it a couple of times.  My kids (though they don’t like me to call them that anymore because they’re in their 20’s) are awesome!  Each of them has qualities that if you combined them would make them a mini-me.  But those qualities they’ve adopted are not always the good ones.  My son called last night asking what an anxiety attack was like. I tried to describe it but did a much better job this morning when I was holding an attack of my own at bay.  I can see traits of perfectionism in each of them.  You might be thinking that would be great, and it is, on a good day.  On a bad day, it’s over thinking, worrying, second guessing, self depreciating…or maybe that’s just me.  That’s the thing, now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve learned enough about myself to see the ups and downs of my traits.  I’d like to say that I always choose the ups, but the truth is I fight those downs too.  I think that’s the best we can do.  My kids might think I’m crazy but I try to bestow them with this knowledge, so it’s ok if they think I’m crazy.  Maybe it’ll save them a little therapy one of these days.

I also look backwards for myself and try to understand how the way I was raised affects how I show up.  What I CANNOT STAND is hearing people constantly blaming or citing their childhood as the reason why they act a certain way.  In therapy sometimes they call it family of origin issues.  Truth is, I got so tired of hearing about family of origin issues and other people trying to blame mine for how I was wired that I checked it.  Game over, check mate, see ya later.  I think a rebelled a little bit.  Yep, I was a child.  Yep, my childhood wasn’t like the Waltons.  But my childhood was great, in it’s own way.  It made me a little quirky and who I am.  If I can see the stuff that I need to be aware of, that stuff that triggers me, all the better.  But I am not going to sit around in a group and hypothesize about what went wrong, when nothing did. Phew, so that’s how I really feel about that, not that anyone asked.  Being a mom makes you think about stuff like that, I mean, understanding yourself so you can try and help your kids apply their skills for good…not evil.  Make them mini-me’s 2.0, better versions.

Posted on

Today’s Journey

Thinking about how life is just one continuous journey.  There are ups and downs and I think I just pray the downs become dips instead of valleys.  Some days, I feel like I’m about to burst with possibility.  Then, I’ll hit a dip, the voices in my head start screaming all the fear triggers I have and I feel like I dissolve into a crying mess.  Even when I can see it happening, I’m often not able to stop it.  Gotta work on that.  I feel like I had a tiny victory though.  When someone recently made a comment to me that was a dagger to my heart, I let myself be sad.  I didn’t dismiss it away, I sat in the space for a time.  But I was also sad for that person.  Sad that they were living in a negative space.  Praying they can move away from that space.

I think that what is helping me work through these feelings is that I have no time for being a victim and blaming.  What’s the point?  Say you think you’re a victim.  Wah, wah, woe is me, I certainly didn’t do anything to cause this situation.  Ok, so life did you wrong…you think.  The thing is, you can stay in that space or do something about it.  I tend to feel like in any situation, I had a piece of it, whether small or large.  Sitting back feeling like a victim doesn’t force me to look at my part.  That’s what I need to focus on.  Otherwise, it’s a huge time suck of crankiness that doesn’t resolve anything and doesn’t move me forward.  Blame or excuses are just lies I tell myself so I don’t have to face reality.  So I’ll accept my part and move forward…ok, maybe after I lose a few hours of sleep, but I still move forward.  It’s a journey, after all.

Posted on

Just start

That’s what I keep hearing in my head.  But I haven’t.  So much to plan, to figure out, to understand, all resulting in a bit fat nothing actually happening.  I’m sick of it.  Tired of being the uber responsible one who thinks through and plans for every possible pitfall, has a contingency for every possible risk, and who lets dreams go easily.  I’ve watched so many fall by the wayside because being responsible was so much more important than doing something I actually want to do.  Something that will actually make me happy (even though having a clean house makes me very happy, cleaning does not make me happy).  So I’m serious all the time.  I’ve heard it for years.  I look upset, unapproachable, just plain serious.  Honestly, it’s a huge drag.  But if I do what I like, what makes me happy, what will people think?

Well, it’s a new day.  I can’t control what other people think and really, that usually has more to do with them than me.  Other people’s expectations can be awesome, have driven me to many accomplishments, to be a better person, to success in some ways.  But I can’t live my life worrying about them all the time.  There’s still that place inside me that knows there is so much more I have to do, that God wants me to do.  So many more ways that I can live out my purpose. I can be an every better version of me.  I’m ready!  Now.  No more when….(fill in the blank) happens. I have so much in my head I want to say, to share, to do. So this is it.  This is the start.  Stay tuned Lisa.