Be Positive Archives - Page 9 of 10

February 12, 2017

The Next Step

believe-in-yourself Over the last few days, I’ve found myself filled with a high level of frenetic energy. Why? I don’t know. Ok, slight cop-out there. I think I know but instead of taking another step forward, my brain wants to stall. Not necessarily take the one step back, but forward? What will that look like? Am I good enough? The doubts threaten to spill over like water in the rivers and lakes around me so full from rain.

After a lot of hard work, I’m about 3 hours of work away from my coaching certification. And with that, I can feel the shift in my life coming. That’s what’s behind all this. Being in my class has provided a sense of safety because I had mountains of coursework to work through. Now that all that is virtually done, I’m on my own again. Having to make decisions instead of conquering what’s presented to me. That? The challenge? I’m really good at that. Overcoming, pushing forward…I have ninja skills for that.

But the ‘what’s next’? That produces the frenetic energy. I’m not sure what to do with that energy. In the past, I haven’t had a lot of doubt about that part. Give me the challenge and I’m great. Blank canvas? Yikes.

Except this time, I know it doesn’t have to be like that.

I tend to make life hard. But it doesn’t have to be. In reality, life can be easy, happiness can be easy. And I don’t mean cop-out easy, I mean I have the abilities to press forward if I just shift the way I look at situations. In the past, I may have considered myself to be at the effect of what was happening “to” me. I now know it’s a choice to be in that space, that energy.

I have talked to a lot of my friends who have subscribed to the same thought pattern. This is one of those cases though where there isn’t strength in numbers. So how to move forward? I’ve learned that creating another mountain to conquer isn’t the answer. That’s what I’ve done before. Another goal, another accomplishment, all to prove to myself that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to. I’ve created my own battles.

God created me, created you, for a great purpose. Stepping into that, not creating hurdles, is the opportunity. We weren’t created with conditions. My “master plan,” did not read “Lisa will have an awesome life after she”… fill in the blank. I’ve filled in the blank over and over, and what I finally realize is that the blank was never there in the first place. Life doesn’t happen “to me,” life doesn’t have to be one big challenge. Thankfully, I’ve had coaches who’ve helped me realize that. I’ve said before, it’s a strength to realize Print when you need help. And this is one of those areas I, and others (maybe you), need help.

The struggle is not real, my friends. I got help stepping off the struggle bus and into the life I was created for. Although stepping back on the bus is appealing at times, that’s only because it’s “familiar.” Familiar doesn’t mean good. I’m choosing to continue stepping forward. Two steps will become more. They can become more for you too, it’s your choice, on the bus or off? If you want off, contact me and I’ll share how coaching can help you find your own steps forward and into the life you were created for.

February 5, 2017

Grace wins…every time

engaged Getting out of my own way…pretty sure that’s the alternate title for what I want to share today. Over the last 16+ months, I’ve been working to figure out me. Who I am, who did God create me to be, what is my purpose, what brings me passion…it’s been painful, and joyful and amazing. I’ve been surrounded by amazing women who have walked with me for parts of the journey, and I’ve gotten great counsel. Some of that counsel has been rough to hear, but I’ve been listening.

Last summer, I felt God was leading me to enroll in a coaching certification class. The day I walked in, I knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. What I could not have foreseen is where that would lead.

One of the great parts of being in a coaching class is that you are coached, every week. As I started through that process and worked through examining the “deep dive into the dark corners of my life,” as I like to call it, I started to see things differently. This is where it gets really interesting, so sit down.

My husband, Jeff, and I divorced last year. It’s something I chose. That’s painful to say. Those of you who are married know it is hard work. In my mind, at that time, I’d thought I’d done the work, and it wasn’t better. I knew Jeff was doing the work too, but I was stuck in my mind. And so, eyes focused, or so I thought, I moved forward. But even as painful as it was, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Over time, I healed…and I kept praying…for him and for guidance. I read, I got counselling…still stuck and not knowing why I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Feeling love for him again.

And then I started the coaching program. In the past I’d always focused on Jeff, ways I felt hurt, and couldn’t see how he could possibly claim I’d hurt him. But then I did. It was like a punch in the gut, blinders off. My awesome coach pushed back on me, in a good way. She helped me really put the mirror up and see Jeff’s perspective. Like a snowball going downhill, I could see it more and more. And I knew I had to tell him that I could see how I hurt him. Not an easy task since we hadn’t talked in months. Not to mention that not so good friend of mine, pride (pride is no one’s friend!) was trying to convince me otherwise. So I wrote him a letter and asked to see him, that I had stuff to talk about. By God’s grace, he agreed. We had dinner and for probably one of the first times, I was truly vulnerable with him. And God took over. He had prepared me for tough conversation. For owning my stuff. For seeing how I’d been no slice of cake. Jeff was understandably wary, but he listened. And we kept talking.

It’s been close to 6 months now since that initial conversation. As I continued my class and coaching, I was able to approach Jeff differently. From a perspective of we instead of me vs. him, able to see his side. And I know he’s done a lot of work to approach me differently, I see it, I feel it. He’s been amazing. We’ve walked these last 6 months together. And God is doing what I would have thought would be impossible, healing both of us.

So when I say I got out of my way, that’s exactly what happened. I stopped trying to figure it out and let God use others, use my coach and all I was learning in my class, to really BE in the relationship with Jeff. And when I got out of the way, what happened? Grace won. We are getting married again. It’s is amazing and awesome and a gift from God. We are stronger, and open…and I know that I can lean into the relationship and trust him. I married an amazing man, and now, through grace…and by getting out of my way…I get to do it again (cue fireworks and confetti dropping from the ceiling).

I didn’t do this by myself, in fact, all “I” did was realize I didn’t have it all figured out and was open to what and who God put in my path. Family, girlfriends and the awareness from coaching all helped prepare me so that God, Jeff and I could reconcile and restore Print . Jeff showed me grace and mercy and it’s been amazing.

I share this story because I don’t know where you are today. But wherever that place is, however stuck you might feel, however defeated you think you are, there is hope. And you don’t have to do it alone. If you want someone to walk by your side, to be your mirror, I’ll do that for you, because I know how important and impactful it is. I know that when you lean in and trust, grace wins…every time.

January 22, 2017

How will you hit a curve ball?

trust-the-process I’ve been going through a class, really to call it a class is an understatement, a program, a transformation, to become a certified professional coach. It’s been six months of hard work and incredible rewards through personal growth and the development of lifelong friendships with people who I shared this journey with. But it’s almost over. Today is the last day of live classes and then it’s just a matter of cleaning up loose strings and putting a bow on it.

And I’m full of anxiety.

What’s that about? This is what I’ve been asking myself…and my coaching friends…and our facilitator…

Know what I’m going through?

brian-andres Many years ago, my mother gave me a wall sculpture from the Brian Andres Story People collection. I love Brian Andres’ art because it just makes me happy. It’s art combined with words. On the piece she gave me, it said, “Impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they’ll shut up about how they understand exactly what she’s going through.” And I loved it! I felt it captured my essence perfectly. I’ve felt that way a long time, like no one really knew what I was going through. I may not have said it was a badge of honor but ok…maybe.

The truth is, if people didn’t know me, it because I didn’t really let them. Even the ones who really wanted to. I kept parts of myself hidden. I wouldn’t really share what I thought, or what I felt. That seemed scary. I mean, if they really knew me, would they still like me? Still want to be around me? So, parts of me were reserved, or were modified, were dialed down.

The problem with not letting myself be known, not letting others know what I’m going through, is that the person they became friends with, or loved, wasn’t really me. And over time, the disconnect becomes exhausting, except by then people didn’t know the ‘real’ me. Plus, I couldn’t really lean on others, because when I showed a different side of myself, maybe the real side of myself, it confused them. They didn’t know what to do with me.

Over the last year plus, I’ve been going through a process of really figuring out who that “me” is. I’d kind of lost sight of who I really was or wanted to be. That’s looked like trying her out, stretching, leaning into the gifts, talents and strengths God gave me from the beginning. Not the ones I’d thought were so important. And it’s been ok. In fact, it’s been amazing. I’ve discovered an authentic, true, whole sense of myself. And some of those close to me are seeing it, and really knowing me, and leaning in, not away.

So a couple weeks ago, I looked at that piece of art that I’d loved and thought “that doesn’t define me anymore.” And I took it down. I don’t know what I’ll do with it yet Print , but that’s not me. I want to be known, I want others to know what I’m going through. I wa
nt to share me and have others share themselves with me.

We should all want that. If you feel like you’re not really known, like you walk around holding a mask, or have a different version of yourself you let people see, what would it look like if you let go of that? For me, it took some coaching, someone else to push back on me with questions that made me think. Made me look at my own truths. And then one day, it finally sank in, and I had peace. So my question is, in what part of your life would you like to feel like that? What are you willing to do to get there? If you want to make a change, let me know. I’d love to help you get there.

January 1, 2017

Be who you are in 2017

john-lennon

It’s 2017, and it’s early, most people I suspect are still asleep having been up at midnight to welcome in the new year. Me? I was asleep at 10 p.m., and that was a late night! And I’m ok with that. I’m thinking this morning about what’s ahead for the year as I’m sure a lot of people are. Resolutions, goals, plans…lots of energy around the fresh start to the year.

But the thing is, I’m the same person today as I was at 10 p.m. last night. News flash, so are you. So often we use the beginning of the year to set new plans…like the wave of people who will be at the gym tomorrow morning. The initial excitement we have for the plans can quickly die off…and by February the gym will be back to the regular crowd. Sometimes we set the goals with the best of intentions but we’re the same person, so sustaining doesn’t always happen.

What if it could be different? What if instead of setting goals that are lofty and that do little more than set us up to feel like failures when we don’t keep going, we took a different approach. Play with me for a minute on this. Take a going to the gym and think for a minute why you might make that a goal. Maybe you think of things like losing weight or improving your health.

Now think a little deeper. Losing weight or improving your health? Those are outcomes but if you think of it from a different perspective, those outcomes result in feeling happier, healthier, having more confidence, being able to play with your children, going on adventures…fill in the blank with what it is for you. Aren’t those feelings and actions really what you want?

I would challenge you and say that those feelings, those actions are really what your goal is. When we focus our attention on the strategy, in this case, going to the gym every day, and then don’t, we feel like we failed and tell ourselves all kinds of negative lies about what that must mean about us. And we postpone what is truly our goal, the feeling healthier, happier, confident. We live in a state of “I’ll feel that way when…” or “I can do that if…”

I would say, what’s stopping you? Why can’t you feel healthier, happier, and confiden Print t now? Why can’t you go on adventures now? What really holds you back from doing those things now? Nothing.

My challenge to you, to me, for 2017, is to dig deeper and flip your goals around. Look at how you want to feel, the experiences you want to have, the life you a
re conditioning on other actions – like going to the gym. You can have and be those things now, without conditions or waiting. Make a choice to step into 2017 knowing that you can have those feelings you want now. The rest of it will happen as a result of you embracing what is already inside you.

I look forward to sharing a brave, full life with you this year!

December 25, 2016

The Importance of Family

img_3207-2 Christmas is a time when many of us travel to be with family, or maybe family travels to be with us. For me, it was a long plane flight to Florida, filled with delays and a new appreciation for the inside of the Salt Lake City Airport. All worth it now that I’m here with a houseful of relatives. By the same token, I’m not with other people I love, namely my children and that unnamed person who I love.

And I think that’s the case for many of us. Holidays often become a balance between families, trying to spend as much time with as many relatives as possible. For many people, family isn’t necessarily their biological ones, for a lot of reasons, and spending time with those loved ones is equally, if not more important. If we’re not careful though we focus more on being everywhere at the same time than the time we’re spending with people.

Isn’t that where our focus should be though? On the people we’re with? We get so worried about travelling, cooking, wrapping gifts, eating, that we don’t have time to really just Be with the people we’re with…to appreciate and enjoy each other, to show love and grace for each other. Print

So on this Christmas Day when we celebrate the birth of Christ, I have an encouragement for all my friends out there, some of whom are like family. Pay attention to those around you, enjoy those who you’re with. Engage, talk, play, laugh, just stop doing for a minute and just be. Spend quiet time by yourself, reflecting on all the people and things you hold close and value. For that reason, I’m signing off, so I can go and be with those I love.

December 18, 2016

The words that you say…

power-of-words I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about words. The words I say to myself, to others…but mainly to myself. There is a lot of truth to the idea that you will allow no other person to be as mean and critical of you as you are to yourself. We may not like it, but it’s true. My internal narrative can be pretty brutal at times, likely comes from being a recovering perfectionist. And since no one is really perfect, something is always going sideways, at least by my criteria.

Another truth I’m coming to understand is that those words we say to ourselves, are the words we believe. So when I call myself stupid for spilling something, yet again…it leaves a mark. God knows that. In Psalms 19:14, the psalmist writes,“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” I’d put money on God not wanting to hear us give ourselves a beat down. Instead, I believe what He would want is for those pleasing words to be ones of affirmation, of positive intention, of joy.

So coming into this Christmas season, I’m thinking a lot about those words. In fact, I’m thinking that negative narrative doesn’t need to come with me into 2017. I’ve said that before, but this time, I think it’s time, I think I’m ready. Ready to say things to myself that are pleasing. Words that have perhaps been hard for me to believe about myself before. Why? Cause I was talking smack to myself all the time!

If you’ve been on the negative train with me, not giving yourself a break, Print not believing that you were made perfect in God’s eyes, not living to that truth, it’s time to get off.

This is the challenge. I’m giving you two weeks before 2017. Say goodbye to all those negative words you’ve said. Go out big, make a list, tear it up, burn it, do something so that it is poof, gone. Then spend intentional, thoughtful, prayerful time thinking of the ways you’ll affirm yourself for next year. There are plenty of awesome qualities about you, about me. Write those on your heart, say them over and over, every day, believe them. You are those things, not aspiring to be, but ARE. 2017 watch out, a whole new person is about to take you by storm!

December 4, 2016

Whose story are you writing?

wondering I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about a relationship she’s in. Our conversation had a lot of, “I wonder if he…why doesn’t he…if only he…” pondering really about what was going on in the other person’s mind and wishing that their behavior and thinking was what we thought it “should” be. Wouldn’t that make things a lot easier? If, in any relationship, the other person behaved according to plan, our plan? The way we think they should respond? Of course it would.

But that’s not how it works. After musing about this for a few minutes, she shared with me a piece of wisdom she’d recently received on the topic. Don’t write his side of the story. Just let that sink in for a minute.

How often do we do that in relationships? Whether it be romantic, friends, co-workers, we often expect others to behave, to respond, in the way we would respond. We play the scene out in our head and when it doesn’t play out like we expect, we’re disappointed. And then the fun really starts. We start assigning meaning to how they’re “not” responding. Unloving, uncaring, disconnected, disrespectful, uninterested. Our imagination takes a death spiral. And now, possibility with another person becomes futile in our minds.

What if we chose a different approach? What if instead of getting a Pulitzer for telling their side of the story, we chose instead to just be in the moment? To only think about our side of the story? To not assign definitions to what we think is going on, what we think the other person is thinking. What would that look like?

Could look like freedom. Freedom from the negative feelings and thoughts that come from trying to predict what’s going on for the other person. Could look like taking responsibility for our own true thoughts and behaviors, ones that are not dictated by how we should respond to someone who is…fill in the blank… Because in reality, they’re probably doing nothing of the sort. If we decide that it’s ok to let go and not let our inner ego drive, you know, the one that says “you don’t deserve to be treated like that!” Treated like what??? The other person hasn’t done anything. You’re reacting to the story that you wrote.

So today my challenge is to stay focused on you. Let the other person write their side of the story. Chances are, it’ll have a much better ending than anything you could have dreamed.

November 27, 2016

Trust me…

uplifted-hand The other day I was thinking about trust. Mainly, where do I put my trust, in people, or in stuff. The idea led my brain on a twisty ride which I’m going to try and spill out. Often in relationships you’ll have conversations with the other person that stem around “do you trust me?” I tend to trust people easily. I believe what they say, I try to presume that their intentions are good, that they are kind. It’s an outward facing trust.

I also believe that I am also a trustworthy person. I am honest, if you know me, you know that I call it like I see it. I do have good intentions, I strive to be kind. The same things as I believe about other people. Again, outward facing.

The trust I’ve been thinking about is inward trust. It’s a question of who do I lean on, who do I trust when life is hard, because, be honest, for everyone there are times when life is hard. I believe, not dissimilar to many other people probably, that I hold things pretty close. Sometimes I’ll talk about how I feel, because I process out loud. But what people say, what they do, I put through my filter, my story, instead of taking their care and concern at face value. I think I hold back sometimes from trusting with my whole heart. Sound familiar?

So if I hold back trusting with my whole heart, where do I get comfort? Where do I turn when things are hard. To myself? Sometimes. That’s the whole self-reliant thing. Helpful at times, but can also be isolating. What do I really do for comfort – full disclosure? – I call it stress shopping. So there’s some dirty laundry. But if you’re like me, you have your go-to also. For me, again, it’s outward facing, not leaning on others.

Interestingly, as I go through this journey, I’m finding it doesn’t really bring me the comfort it used to because, honestly, it wasn’t comfort, it was distraction. Instead, I want to be able to trust that another person can comfort me, or that I could even comfort myself…show self-compassion. In thinking about this, I know I’m not alone. I know there are people out there who struggle with trusting that other people can comfort them. Who prefer to lean on stuff, on habits, on food, on distractions for comfort.

What I’m realizing is that we need people, each of us. Whether you’re self-reliant or not, we need others, and others need us, and that’s ok. That’s how God wired us. Really. He wants us to trust in Him and other people are an extension of His love. Each of us has that love inside of us, ready to share with other people. You may have a closet of comfort but I’d encourage you to try trusting in, leaning on, finding comfort and compassion in other people. I think it’s a journey worth taking, one that allows you and others to lean in, lean on, and move forward…together.

November 20, 2016

Is time on your side?

running-time Time. Is there ever enough of it? I’ve become conscious of how much energy I spend managing my time. It’s crazy really. I have all this stuff in my head that I absolutely must get done. I allow myself to feel stressed out about it and then spend more time figuring out how to get it done. What I really want is to feel like I have all the time I need but that doesn’t seem to happen.

What if there was another way? If you had all the time you wanted, think about the possibilities! Right now, I’m stuck in feeling like time is something I fight against to get things done. I think the “things” dictate my day, not my decisions. What I’d like to do is get to stop stressing about it because that just causes me more anxiety and negative energy overall.

So what’s the plan, Lisa? Good question. First thing is to acknowledge that, in reality, there are very few things that actually “have” to get done. When I hold up the mirror, I’m looking for the personal value that’s driving my behavior. For me, I think my value of responsibility is calling the shots. Responsibility is fine when it’s used “for good not evil” as I like to say. But if the responsibility is due to a fear of what will happen if I’m not “responsible” it’s overstepped the boundary.

Back to the plan. What can I do, what can anyone do, to move to a reality where time really is “on our side,” not the common enemy? Make a list. Yeah, super simple, not brain surgery. But one thing I’ve learned recently is that the more stuff I try to hold in my head, the less space I have for creative things, activities that bring me energy. I’m not only managing my time, I’m managing all the stuff in my head. I’ve fought lists too, but am learning that I forget and then have to spend time working backwards until I remember what I was supposed to do, or miss stuff. So step 1, lists, I can do that today.

What about this week, what can I do this week? Thanksgiving is coming up. Lots to do, legitimately. But I can look at what needs to be done and determine if I’m actually the one who needs to do it. My son can make mashed potatoes. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. I can let some things go. Ok, step 2, let stuff go.

Looking farther out, what else, what would be a longer term goal – the ideal goal? Keep the lists, look at the pattern of how I’m spending time. Make decisions on what needs to stay and what can go. As part of that, resist the temptation to fill the time with more “stuff.” Instead, for me, I want to build in time to “just be.” To spend time in self-care, in relationship, with friends, with family. That time? Well that’s time well spent.

I don’t think my fight against time is uncommon, so if you’re facing a similar battle, look at these simple steps for yourself. What value is driving you? What can you do today? What will you do next week? What’s your longer term goal? It doesn’t have to be hard and if you start today, like I am, you’ll be rockin’ by Christmas! Time will be on your side.