Face the fear Archives - Page 6 of 7

January 22, 2017

How will you hit a curve ball?

trust-the-process I’ve been going through a class, really to call it a class is an understatement, a program, a transformation, to become a certified professional coach. It’s been six months of hard work and incredible rewards through personal growth and the development of lifelong friendships with people who I shared this journey with. But it’s almost over. Today is the last day of live classes and then it’s just a matter of cleaning up loose strings and putting a bow on it.

And I’m full of anxiety.

What’s that about? This is what I’ve been asking myself…and my coaching friends…and our facilitator…

On being a princess

be-brave-be-bold Being a princess, it’s many little girls’ dream, right? For me, it would be about the dress, the fancy, the luxury, the elegance of it all. The dream of it is how I would feel in the moment. Peace, joy, love, feeling like I matter…the self-worth thing. The princess part is just a bonus, it’s a life of ease, in my story it would be free of conflict, of pain, of anxiety and stress. Don’t we all want that? It might look different to you than it does to me, but it’s still there, it’s the ideal, the perfect life.

But life isn’t perfect. None of us are perfect…me at the top of the list. The princess life looks perfect, but I would imagine it’s not, it just looks that way. And so we aspire to something that’s not even real, because the princess is a person, a not perfect person like the rest of us.

And yet, what if we could have our ideal life in spite of ourselves? In spite of our missteps, our mistakes, of the things that make us people, quite honestly. I think we can, and we can by understanding that we’re not perfect. That we’re imperfect, that others are imperfect, and we’re all doing the best we can. I believe God made us that way, and He is the only one who is perfect.

So what would it look like, that perfect life of yours? How can you start living it today? What is holding you back? Well, one thing that holds us back is the past. All the crap, quite honestly, that has happened in life, that we keep bringing into the present. The pain, resentment, angst… you know, the life you’ve been living. What good is that doing you today? To get to the life you want today, you have to make a choice to bring forward the lessons, the wisdom, but not the baggage from the past. Too often we recreate the past pain in our heads over and over and it keeps us from the life we want today. So, step one, look at the story book in your mind, if you need to, write the stories down, and then get rid of them. Give them up. They don’t serve you anymore.

Now look at your life today. What feelings do you want to have today? What is going to bring those feelings into your life? Me? I still visualize the princess life. But in my story, the princess isn’t perfect and that’s ok. Part of being happy in the present is learning to stop judging behaviors, thoughts, actions as right and wrong. That’s not my job. It’s not any of our jobs. Judgement is about the stuff inside of us, not about other people. I know for myself, I catch myself judging right and wrong, good and bad. That’s something I’m choosing to ditch. It’s a lot of work and it doesn’t move me, or my relationships with others, forward. Judging myself is just beats me up. What good does that do? None. Step two, look at the feelings you want, think about them, pray, meditate about them, and create those in your life.

The glass slipper, the sudden transformation into the princess life? Prince Char Print ming? It’s a story. In our lives, we have to make the choice to bring what we want into our lives. We create our own stories, our own paths, our own lives. Those paths look different for everyone, and that’s not only ok, it’s awesome. Create your own story, your own awesomeness. If I can do it, and I’m working on it, you can too. And if you want help, that’s ok too. Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else be your mirror, to reflect back to you what your inner wisdom already knows. Asking for help is not weakness, it’s strength, it’s a reflection of your desire to create the life you want. If you’re reading this and want that “mirror,” that help, reach out to me, be brave. As a coach, I don’t have the answers, you do, but I can help you discover them and move towards the life you want, that feeling you want, and you can have it today.

January 1, 2017

Be who you are in 2017

john-lennon

It’s 2017, and it’s early, most people I suspect are still asleep having been up at midnight to welcome in the new year. Me? I was asleep at 10 p.m., and that was a late night! And I’m ok with that. I’m thinking this morning about what’s ahead for the year as I’m sure a lot of people are. Resolutions, goals, plans…lots of energy around the fresh start to the year.

But the thing is, I’m the same person today as I was at 10 p.m. last night. News flash, so are you. So often we use the beginning of the year to set new plans…like the wave of people who will be at the gym tomorrow morning. The initial excitement we have for the plans can quickly die off…and by February the gym will be back to the regular crowd. Sometimes we set the goals with the best of intentions but we’re the same person, so sustaining doesn’t always happen.

What if it could be different? What if instead of setting goals that are lofty and that do little more than set us up to feel like failures when we don’t keep going, we took a different approach. Play with me for a minute on this. Take a going to the gym and think for a minute why you might make that a goal. Maybe you think of things like losing weight or improving your health.

Now think a little deeper. Losing weight or improving your health? Those are outcomes but if you think of it from a different perspective, those outcomes result in feeling happier, healthier, having more confidence, being able to play with your children, going on adventures…fill in the blank with what it is for you. Aren’t those feelings and actions really what you want?

I would challenge you and say that those feelings, those actions are really what your goal is. When we focus our attention on the strategy, in this case, going to the gym every day, and then don’t, we feel like we failed and tell ourselves all kinds of negative lies about what that must mean about us. And we postpone what is truly our goal, the feeling healthier, happier, confident. We live in a state of “I’ll feel that way when…” or “I can do that if…”

I would say, what’s stopping you? Why can’t you feel healthier, happier, and confiden Print t now? Why can’t you go on adventures now? What really holds you back from doing those things now? Nothing.

My challenge to you, to me, for 2017, is to dig deeper and flip your goals around. Look at how you want to feel, the experiences you want to have, the life you a
re conditioning on other actions – like going to the gym. You can have and be those things now, without conditions or waiting. Make a choice to step into 2017 knowing that you can have those feelings you want now. The rest of it will happen as a result of you embracing what is already inside you.

I look forward to sharing a brave, full life with you this year!

November 27, 2016

Trust me…

uplifted-hand The other day I was thinking about trust. Mainly, where do I put my trust, in people, or in stuff. The idea led my brain on a twisty ride which I’m going to try and spill out. Often in relationships you’ll have conversations with the other person that stem around “do you trust me?” I tend to trust people easily. I believe what they say, I try to presume that their intentions are good, that they are kind. It’s an outward facing trust.

I also believe that I am also a trustworthy person. I am honest, if you know me, you know that I call it like I see it. I do have good intentions, I strive to be kind. The same things as I believe about other people. Again, outward facing.

The trust I’ve been thinking about is inward trust. It’s a question of who do I lean on, who do I trust when life is hard, because, be honest, for everyone there are times when life is hard. I believe, not dissimilar to many other people probably, that I hold things pretty close. Sometimes I’ll talk about how I feel, because I process out loud. But what people say, what they do, I put through my filter, my story, instead of taking their care and concern at face value. I think I hold back sometimes from trusting with my whole heart. Sound familiar?

So if I hold back trusting with my whole heart, where do I get comfort? Where do I turn when things are hard. To myself? Sometimes. That’s the whole self-reliant thing. Helpful at times, but can also be isolating. What do I really do for comfort – full disclosure? – I call it stress shopping. So there’s some dirty laundry. But if you’re like me, you have your go-to also. For me, again, it’s outward facing, not leaning on others.

Interestingly, as I go through this journey, I’m finding it doesn’t really bring me the comfort it used to because, honestly, it wasn’t comfort, it was distraction. Instead, I want to be able to trust that another person can comfort me, or that I could even comfort myself…show self-compassion. In thinking about this, I know I’m not alone. I know there are people out there who struggle with trusting that other people can comfort them. Who prefer to lean on stuff, on habits, on food, on distractions for comfort.

What I’m realizing is that we need people, each of us. Whether you’re self-reliant or not, we need others, and others need us, and that’s ok. That’s how God wired us. Really. He wants us to trust in Him and other people are an extension of His love. Each of us has that love inside of us, ready to share with other people. You may have a closet of comfort but I’d encourage you to try trusting in, leaning on, finding comfort and compassion in other people. I think it’s a journey worth taking, one that allows you and others to lean in, lean on, and move forward…together.

November 20, 2016

Is time on your side?

running-time Time. Is there ever enough of it? I’ve become conscious of how much energy I spend managing my time. It’s crazy really. I have all this stuff in my head that I absolutely must get done. I allow myself to feel stressed out about it and then spend more time figuring out how to get it done. What I really want is to feel like I have all the time I need but that doesn’t seem to happen.

What if there was another way? If you had all the time you wanted, think about the possibilities! Right now, I’m stuck in feeling like time is something I fight against to get things done. I think the “things” dictate my day, not my decisions. What I’d like to do is get to stop stressing about it because that just causes me more anxiety and negative energy overall.

So what’s the plan, Lisa? Good question. First thing is to acknowledge that, in reality, there are very few things that actually “have” to get done. When I hold up the mirror, I’m looking for the personal value that’s driving my behavior. For me, I think my value of responsibility is calling the shots. Responsibility is fine when it’s used “for good not evil” as I like to say. But if the responsibility is due to a fear of what will happen if I’m not “responsible” it’s overstepped the boundary.

Back to the plan. What can I do, what can anyone do, to move to a reality where time really is “on our side,” not the common enemy? Make a list. Yeah, super simple, not brain surgery. But one thing I’ve learned recently is that the more stuff I try to hold in my head, the less space I have for creative things, activities that bring me energy. I’m not only managing my time, I’m managing all the stuff in my head. I’ve fought lists too, but am learning that I forget and then have to spend time working backwards until I remember what I was supposed to do, or miss stuff. So step 1, lists, I can do that today.

What about this week, what can I do this week? Thanksgiving is coming up. Lots to do, legitimately. But I can look at what needs to be done and determine if I’m actually the one who needs to do it. My son can make mashed potatoes. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. I can let some things go. Ok, step 2, let stuff go.

Looking farther out, what else, what would be a longer term goal – the ideal goal? Keep the lists, look at the pattern of how I’m spending time. Make decisions on what needs to stay and what can go. As part of that, resist the temptation to fill the time with more “stuff.” Instead, for me, I want to build in time to “just be.” To spend time in self-care, in relationship, with friends, with family. That time? Well that’s time well spent.

I don’t think my fight against time is uncommon, so if you’re facing a similar battle, look at these simple steps for yourself. What value is driving you? What can you do today? What will you do next week? What’s your longer term goal? It doesn’t have to be hard and if you start today, like I am, you’ll be rockin’ by Christmas! Time will be on your side.

November 13, 2016

How do you want to feel?

positve-energy To start, this is not a political statement in any way, nor a comment about who won our nation’s election. What is rolling around in my head are thoughts about the energy that people, including me, put out to the world and what reflects back at them. I’m noticing an abundance of negative energy, thoughts, comments, rhetoric from people around the country, negative energy that seems to be growing.

The law of attraction is a theory that says “by focusing on negative or positive thoughts, a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life.” This is based on the thought that like energy attracts like energy. Whether you fully believe that theory or not, think about it. You’re in a conversation with your spouse. They are amped about plans you made for the weekend, without consulting them. You have a choice in that moment. Say you get defensive, you shoot back that you shouldn’t have to talk to them first. How’s that work out for you? Likely you’ll get the next level up from your spouse, anger, frustration, resentment…and this cycle will continue until one of you steps out. One of you chose to respond with negative energy and it attracted more negative energy.

What if instead when your spouse came at you amped, you stepped away from the negative energy, dodged it. What if you responded that you could understand how that could be frustrating and that it would be frustrating for anyone in that situation…and apologized. How would your spouse respond? Chances are, they’d respond well, plain and simple. You chose to respond to negative energy with positive energy and that is the direction you both continued in.

When you spend your day thinking about the negative things happening around the country, or in your work, your relationship or with yourself, you’re drawing negative energy to you. It is normal that you would continue to see the negative around you, that’s what you’re looking for to build your case. We want information that supports how we’re feeling in that moment, and there’s plenty of it to be found. That’s what’s happening around our nation right now.

If you choose to shift your focus – or frankly begin your thought process – from a positive viewpoint, that is what you’re going to attract. You will begin to see the positive aspects of situations. People around you will begin to feel that positive energy and will respond in kind. That cycle is one worth investing in. When you’re thinking about the positive aspects in your life, you will see and experience more of them, you’ll create positive experiences.

So what if each of us made that choice right now for our nation. Focus not on what you may perceive as the negative things happening around the country, but instead, focus and talk about the positive. Pray for peace and cooperation. Do your part to stop the negative path we’re on. We can build each other up or tear each other down, I for one want to choose the positive path, and build each other up, and hope my positive energy will draw the same from you.

November 6, 2016

Art of the Reframe

reframe-hands Perspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about it this week. I think it’s interesting that two people can have the same experience, yet come away with completely different interpretations about what happened. That’s part of the deal, interpretations. With each experience we bring our own interpretations about the “truth.” But the truth is tempered by what we’ve experienced in the past, our beliefs, what we’ve been through. Sometimes it makes it hard to see the another perspective.

The other perspective is helpful for a lot of different reasons. Let’s just say you’re stuck. Ok, maybe that’s just me. Having the ability to see your circumstance from another point of view can be extremely helpful. The other day, I was taking a look at my day to day work, thinking about the nature of what I do vs. what in my head I want to do. I had a conversation with someone whose opinion I trust about it. She pointed out aspects about the work I’m doing that I wasn’t seeing. Aspects that fell in line with exactly the qualities that I wanted to bring more of into my work. Reframe. She saw it from another perspective that I wasn’t seeing and shed light for me.

Or, I was talking with a trusted friend about achievement. I’m a high, high achiever. The great thing about being a high achiever is that you get a lot done, with a high degree of excellence. That’s the way you should do it, after all. The downside is that you never really feel, ok, maybe just me again, that you really ever achieve anything big because you’re doing what anyone should do in that situation. Except they don’t. Not everyone has that same internal wiring, that same drive, so what you’re doing could be extraordinary. So back to my friend, I mentioned how I was thinking about this and gave an example of when I walked a marathon last year. I had someone, whose opinion matters a lot to me, say “What, do you think you can’t walk 26 miles?” The way it was said registered to me as, of course you would, it’s not a big deal. My friend asked me if, in fact, that person could have made the statement from a position of belief. As in, Lisa can do anything she sets her mind to. Reframe. He showed me a different way to look at it that actually spoke to belief, not expectation.

The amazing thing about the reframe, the other perspective, is that it can shift you. It can take what you currently believe about an area of your life and shed new light on it. It’s awesome when you have people you trust who can do it, a friend, spouse or family member. It’s also something a coach can do with you. Something I feel fortunate to be learning in my coaching training. If I could only apply it to myself more often. That’s part of the deal too though, sometimes it takes someone outside of your head to look in and reframe for you. That said, I would encourage you to try it. In the midst of a circumstance that you wish could be different, take a deep breath and ask yourself “how else could I see this?” “What’s another way to look at that?” “How could I reframe it to move forward?” There’s no magic to it, but it IS a conscious choice. A choice that could move you forward in a more positive, empowered way. Try it. Or call me, I’d love to take that journey with you.

October 23, 2016

I’m not laughing at you…

dont-take-it-personally Yesterday morning I was in the locker room at the gym after my swim (and as a side note, since I always swim in the pre-dawn hours, it was an awesome to actually enjoy the sunrise while I swam!) and this woman next to me dropped her keys, and then a second set of keys. And I laughed. Not because I was laughing at her, laughing because that’s a situation I often find myself in. So I offered the familiar, “I’m not laughing at you…”

I really thought about it though, and the truth is, I really wasn’t laughing at her, I was laughing at myself. I spill – and am a master at the clean-up, drop, stumble, fumble, you name it. So my laughter was in camaraderie, kindred spirit. It made me think about how easy it is to think that the laughter, the comments, are about me, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.

Each of us has this internal ego that takes the wheel and drives our thoughts, our actions. I don’t mean ego in a bad way, per se. Ego defined is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Think about it, when we’re babies, the world seems to revolve around us. Parents, grandparents, everyone is looking at us, oohing and awing, it’s no wonder we develop that sense of self-importance.

But at some point, we can choose to either continue believing and acting like the world revolves around us, or we can make different choices. For one, it’s a lot of work being the center of our universe. Everything is considered in terms of how it impacts us, when in fact, it’s really about the other person. In his book, “The Four Agreements,” one of the principles Miguel Ruiz teaches to have love and happiness in our lives is:

“Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

When I read this, it really hit home. I was in the midst of a difficult personal situation where I felt like everything the other person did was directed at me. Taken in this context, how another person reacts or “shows up” in their relationship with others has more to do about them than about us. Our ego tells us that it’s about us, when it’s not. It tells us that they’re laughing at us, when their laughter is more likely something in themselves they’re laughing at.

If we take the principle of not taking what others say personally, not letting our ego do the driving, it truly does save us a lot of suffering. A lot of unnecessary wondering ,worrying, creating our own story about what others must have meant by their comment. If we can resist personalizing, resist “they’re laughing at me,” it allows us to show up more authentically, give more of our real selves, and have more empathy. Give it a try, truly laugh with someone today. Realizing that we are more alike than different, if you ask me, there’s a lot of comfort in that…not to mention someone else with expertise in spill clean-up…I could use the help!

October 16, 2016

Emotions are not for sissies

mood-swing I think being “emotional” gets a bad rap. Granted, I’m a girl, so I have more leeway to be emotional, but even so, they’re not always accepted, especially the negative ones. Anger, frustration, irritation…sadness…grief I think you get away with if you have a reason people understand, but grief over the loss of a relationship, for example, no go. And crying? Geez, it’s trouble in the making. Don’t do it at work, bottle it up, make it go away, don’t let anyone see you…oh wait, maybe those are just my experiences.

But the thing is, I AM emotional. I’ve spent the last 48 years 364 days bottling all of it up though. There have been periods where it came out and even I couldn’t explain or understand it. Crying that would never end. That was a few years ago, a forgettable phase I think many women this age could understand and happily live without. For the most part though, I’ve tried to be bright and sunny, but I’m not, at least not all the time. I’ll start to cry but then use all my secret ninja tricks to try and make it stop. Stuff it down. Ladies, am I alone in this?

Over the last year, I’ve tried to get better at letting myself have emotion, acknowledge it and not just brush it away. It’s been marginally successful. Rarely do I let myself have a good cry. Really though what is that? A good cry? Seems counter intuitive. If I start to feel angry, I’ll play with it a little bit, but there’s no monster coming out. But I need to let myself feel emotion. As I’ve gone through my coaching training, part of it, as I think I’ve talked about, is looking at your own stuff, your own crap I like to say. Helpful, incredibly helpful, but exhausting. It’s a non-stop barrage of processing emotion. Ah-ha’s are great, but it’s often a fist fight with myself to get there.

I think we often don’t acknowledge how hard it can be to process emotion, to have and feel emotion. When I used to ride my bike a lot, I rode with a group and I remember this one ride where my friend was trying to explain to me how to keep up with the guys. She said that sometimes you have to practically turn yourself inside out with effort, leave it all on the road. I think that’s how processing emotions can be at times. I think part of why I started riding my bike in the first place was to escape having to feel emotions, to process them, I just rode away from them, at least for that day. Not the healthiest from an emotional standpoint, but I did get a lot of relief, endorphin’s are a great thing.

Yesterday I was talking through some tough stuff with someone I care about, and it was hard, good, but hard. Today…I feel raw…like I’ve turned myself inside out. That same feeling as doing it in a physical sense during a hard effort. I worked hard to be transparent, to stay in the space, to share my heart instead of saying I was “fine.” Again, all good stuff, stuff that can bring people close together, but not for sissies. Stuff you fight your way through, fight with yourself and that instinct to keep bottled up vs. the freedom of just expressing.

I think to fail to recognize how hard it can be to process emotion is to undercut ourselves. There’s no right or wrong way, per se, to process emotion. We all do it in our own way. But if your way was like my way, stuff it down, I’m here to tell you that won’t last forever. Taking the time to understand yourself, to be brave and talk about how you feel, even if the only person you’re telling is yourself, well that’s worth it. You are worth it. You might feel like you left part of you on the side of the road, and maybe you did, but that’s often a good thing, don’t let it stop you and don’t turn back for it. I’m right there with you.

October 9, 2016

Big Brave Post

just-being-is-fun It’s no secret that I’m becoming a certified life coach. Amazing program! But here’s the thing about it, to coach others, you have to deal with your stuff. What I’m finding is the more I deal with it, the more I realize about myself. So it’s a combo of “Yay!” and “Oh, crap.”

Not dissimilar to anyone else, as I’ve moved through life, I’ve had experiences from which I create thoughts about the world and thoughts about myself. We get messages from the people who are close to us and from the world around us about what’s “expected.” But how each of us hears those messages is different, and unique, depending on our own circumstances. The message I “heard” which really means the message I interpreted, was “be strong.”

It seems like too easy of an answer, but I think a lot of that comes from having had my foot amputated when I was 4. I was blessed that my family and really my friends never treated me like I was any different than anyone else. Except that, I was. So, although not consciously, I set about proving that to be true. Because my “difference” was external, I tried to show through my physical self that I was not only normal, whatever that is, but that I could do whatever I wanted to do. And really, I have. I’ve had amazing adventures on my bike, last year I decided to start walking half marathons and then a full marathon, then I took up open water swimming… all of which was awesome.

But in my head, I never hit the bar. Each time I’d accomplish something, the bar would move. I’d set a higher goal, thinking that if I’d already, for example, ridden 100 miles, that riding 200 seemed like a better idea, because that would really prove something. To who though? To me? In theory I suppose.

Stick with me because here was the punch in the gut. It doesn’t seem like this should have taken me 49 years to figure out, but it did. What I’ve done, what I set out to do, that’s not who I am. When I project that version of myself, the tough, strong self, people don’t really get to know me, the me that’s on the inside. I get that the external stuff is part of who I am, and I’ve had some great experiences. But it is only part of me. It’s the bright and shiny that distracts me from really embracing who I am on the inside. To some degree, it’s the “on stage” version of me. Making myself feel like I’m “on stage” all the time is exhausting…and I do it to myself…no one else really expects it and they don’t get to know the real me, the backstage version.

So here’s the big brave part. I’m setting a new goal. It’s to just be. To not prove. To acknowledge to myself that I’m squishy. That parts of me may not seem normal, but they’re normal to me. I’m not always tough, and that’s ok. I don’t need to keep raising the bar. God knew I’d turn out like, He created me like this. If it’s ok for Him, it’s going to be ok for me too.

What would that look like for you? To just be? Try it, be brave. I believe you’ll find you’re pretty amazing.