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Know what I’m going through?

brian-andresMany years ago, my mother gave me a wall sculpture from the Brian Andres Story People collection.  I love Brian Andres’ art because it just makes me happy.  It’s art combined with words.  On the piece she gave me, it said, “Impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they’ll shut up about how they understand exactly what she’s going through.” And I loved it! I felt it captured my essence perfectly. I’ve felt that way a long time, like no one really knew what I was going through. I may not have said it was a badge of honor but ok…maybe.

The truth is, if people didn’t know me, it because I didn’t really let them. Even the ones who really wanted to. I kept parts of myself hidden. I wouldn’t really share what I thought, or what I felt. That seemed scary. I mean, if they really knew me, would they still like me? Still want to be around me? So, parts of me were reserved, or were modified, were dialed down.

The problem with not letting myself be known, not letting others know what I’m going through, is that the person they became friends with, or loved, wasn’t really me. And over time, the disconnect becomes exhausting, except by then people didn’t know the ‘real’ me. Plus, I couldn’t really lean on others, because when I showed a different side of myself, maybe the real side of myself, it confused them.  They didn’t know what to do with me.

Over the last year plus, I’ve been going through a process of really figuring out who that “me” is. I’d kind of lost sight of who I really was or wanted to be. That’s looked like trying her out, stretching, leaning into the gifts, talents and strengths God gave me from the beginning. Not the ones I’d thought were so important. And it’s been ok. In fact, it’s been amazing. I’ve discovered an authentic, true, whole sense of myself. And some of those close to me are seeing it, and really knowing me, and leaning in, not away.

So a couple weeks ago, I looked at that piece of art that I’d loved and thought “that doesn’t define me anymore.” And I took it down. I don’t know what I’ll do with it yetPrint, but that’s not me. I want to be known, I want others to know what I’m going through. I wa
nt to share me and have others share themselves with me.

We should all want that. If you feel like you’re not really known, like you walk around holding a mask, or have a different version of yourself you let people see, what would it look like if you let go of that? For me, it took some coaching, someone else to push back on me with questions that made me think. Made me look at my own truths. And then one day, it finally sank in, and I had peace. So my question is, in what part of your life would you like to feel like that? What are you willing to do to get there? If you want to make a change, let me know. I’d love to help you get there.

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On being a princess

be-brave-be-boldBeing a princess, it’s many little girls’ dream, right? For me, it would be about the dress, the fancy, the luxury, the elegance of it all. The dream of it is how I would feel in the moment. Peace, joy, love, feeling like I matter…the self-worth thing. The princess part is just a bonus, it’s a life of ease, in my story it would be free of conflict, of pain, of anxiety and stress. Don’t we all want that? It might look different to you than it does to me, but it’s still there, it’s the ideal, the perfect life.

But life isn’t perfect.  None of us are perfect…me at the top of the list.  The princess life looks perfect, but I would imagine it’s not, it just looks that way. And so we aspire to something that’s not even real, because the princess is a person, a not perfect person like the rest of us.

And yet, what if we could have our ideal life in spite of ourselves? In spite of our missteps, our mistakes, of the things that make us people, quite honestly.  I think we can, and we can by understanding that we’re not perfect.  That we’re imperfect, that others are imperfect, and we’re all doing the best we can. I believe God made us that way, and He is the only one who is perfect.

So what would it look like, that perfect life of yours? How can you start living it today? What is holding you back?  Well, one thing that holds us back is the past.  All the crap, quite honestly, that has happened in life, that we keep bringing into the present. The pain, resentment, angst… you know, the life you’ve been living.  What good is that doing you today? To get to the life you want today, you have to make a choice to bring forward the lessons, the wisdom, but not the baggage from the past. Too often we recreate the past pain in our heads over and over and it keeps us from the life we want today. So, step one, look at the story book in your mind, if you need to, write the stories down, and then get rid of them. Give them up. They don’t serve you anymore.

Now look at your life today. What feelings do you want to have today? What is going to bring those feelings into your life? Me? I still visualize the princess life. But in my story, the princess isn’t perfect and that’s ok.  Part of being happy in the present is learning to stop judging behaviors, thoughts, actions as right and wrong.  That’s not my job. It’s not any of our jobs. Judgement is about the stuff inside of us, not about other people.  I know for myself, I catch myself judging right and wrong, good and bad. That’s something I’m choosing to ditch.  It’s a lot of work and it doesn’t move me, or my relationships with others, forward. Judging myself is just beats me up.  What good does that do? None. Step two, look at the feelings you want, think about them, pray, meditate about them, and create those in your life.

The glass slipper, the sudden transformation into the princess life? Prince CharPrintming? It’s a story. In our lives, we have to make the choice to bring what we want into our lives.  We create our own stories, our own paths, our own lives. Those paths look different for everyone, and that’s not only ok, it’s awesome.  Create your own story, your own awesomeness. If I can do it, and I’m working on it, you can too. And if you want help, that’s ok too. Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else be your mirror, to reflect back to you what your inner wisdom already knows. Asking for help is not weakness, it’s strength, it’s a reflection of your desire to create the life you want. If you’re reading this and want that “mirror,” that help, reach out to me, be brave. As a coach, I don’t have the answers, you do, but I can help you discover them and move towards the life you want, that feeling you want, and you can have it today.

 

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Be who you are in 2017

john-lennon

It’s 2017, and it’s early, most people I suspect are still asleep having been up at midnight to welcome in the new year. Me? I was asleep at 10 p.m., and that was a late night! And I’m ok with that.  I’m thinking this morning about what’s ahead for the year as I’m sure a lot of people are. Resolutions, goals, plans…lots of energy around the fresh start to the year.

But the thing is, I’m the same person today as I was at 10 p.m. last night.  News flash, so are you.  So often we use the beginning of the year to set new plans…like the wave of people who will be at the gym tomorrow morning. The initial excitement we have for the plans can quickly die off…and by February the gym will be back to the regular crowd. Sometimes we set the goals with the best of intentions but we’re the same person, so sustaining doesn’t always happen.

What if it could be different? What if instead of setting goals that are lofty and that do little more than set us up to feel like failures when we don’t keep going, we took a different approach.  Play with me for a minute on this.  Take a going to the gym and think for a minute why you might make that a goal. Maybe you think of things like losing weight or improving your health.

Now think a little deeper. Losing weight or improving your health? Those are outcomes but if you think of it from a different perspective, those outcomes result in feeling happier, healthier, having more confidence, being able to play with your children, going on adventures…fill in the blank with what it is for you.  Aren’t those feelings and actions really what you want?

I would challenge you and say that those feelings, those actions are really what your goal is. When we focus our attention on the strategy, in this case, going to the gym every day, and then don’t, we feel like we failed and tell ourselves all kinds of negative lies about what that must mean about us. And we postpone what is truly our goal, the feeling healthier, happier, confident.  We live in a state of “I’ll feel that way when…” or “I can do that if…”

I would say, what’s stopping you? Why can’t you feel healthier, happier, and confidenPrintt now? Why can’t you go on adventures now? What really holds you back from doing those things now? Nothing.

My challenge to you, to me, for 2017, is to dig deeper and flip your goals around. Look at how you want to feel, the experiences you want to have, the life you a
re conditioning on other actions – like going to the gym.  You can have and be those things now, without conditions or waiting.  Make a choice to step into 2017 knowing that you can have those feelings you want now. The rest of it will happen as a result of you embracing what is already inside you.

I look forward to sharing a brave, full life with you this year!

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The Importance of Family

img_3207-2Christmas is a time when many of us travel to be with family, or maybe family travels to be with us. For me, it was a long plane flight to Florida, filled with delays and a new appreciation for the inside of the Salt Lake City Airport. All worth it now that I’m here with a houseful of relatives. By the same token, I’m not with other people I love, namely my children and that unnamed person who I love.

And I think that’s the case for many of us. Holidays often become a balance between families, trying to spend as much time with as many relatives as possible. For many people, family isn’t necessarily their biological ones, for a lot of reasons, and spending time with those loved ones is equally, if not more important. If we’re not careful though we focus more on being everywhere at the same time than the time we’re spending with people.

Isn’t that where our focus should be though? On the people we’re with? We get so worried about travelling, cooking, wrapping gifts, eating, that we don’t have time to really just Be with the people we’re with…to appreciate and enjoy each other, to show love and grace for each other.Print

So on this Christmas Day when we celebrate the birth of Christ, I have an encouragement for all my friends out there, some of whom are like family.  Pay attention to those around you, enjoy those who you’re with. Engage, talk, play, laugh, just stop doing for a minute and just be. Spend quiet time by yourself, reflecting on all the people and things you hold close and value.  For that reason, I’m signing off, so I can go and be with those I love.

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The words that you say…

power-of-wordsI’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about words.  The words I say to myself, to others…but mainly to myself. There is a lot of truth to the idea that you will allow no other person to be as mean and critical of you as you are to yourself. We may not like it, but it’s true. My internal narrative can be pretty brutal at times, likely comes from being a recovering perfectionist. And since no one is really perfect, something is always going sideways, at least by my criteria.

Another truth I’m coming to understand is that those words we say to ourselves, are the words we believe. So when I call myself stupid for spilling something, yet again…it leaves a mark. God knows that. In Psalms 19:14, the psalmist writes,“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” I’d put money on God not wanting to hear us give ourselves a beat down. Instead, I believe what He would want is for those pleasing words to be ones of affirmation, of positive intention, of joy.

So coming into this Christmas season, I’m thinking a lot about those words.  In fact, I’m thinking that negative narrative doesn’t need to come with me into 2017. I’ve said that before, but this time, I think it’s time, I think I’m ready. Ready to say things to myself that are pleasing.  Words that have perhaps been hard for me to believe about myself before. Why?  Cause I was talking smack to myself all the time!

If you’ve been on the negative train with me, not giving yourself a break, Printnot believing that you were made perfect in God’s eyes, not living to that truth, it’s time to get off.

This is the challenge. I’m giving you two weeks before 2017. Say goodbye to all those negative words you’ve said. Go out big, make a list, tear it up, burn it, do something so that it is poof, gone. Then spend intentional, thoughtful, prayerful time thinking of the ways you’ll affirm yourself for next year. There are plenty of awesome qualities about you, about me. Write those on your heart, say them over and over, every day, believe them. You are those things, not aspiring to be, but ARE.  2017 watch out, a whole new person is about to take you by storm!

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The Power of Memories

triggersThe Christmas season can be magical. A time for faith, for family, memories, togetherness.  This can also be a tough season because of family, memories, togetherness.  Contradictory? Not really. Stay with me on this and step back from the eggnog for a minute. Here goes.

Ever been in a conversation with someone, one that starts of pretty benignly, and all of a sudden you’re trudging through the muck? Yeah, me too. How does it happen? Triggers. What do I mean by that? Well, you’re having a conversation, it’s all puppies and kittens and then, you start to get a familiar feeling, a not so good familiar feeling. Except, you don’t recognize it like that. Your brain likely thinks, “why is my [fill in your person…husband, wife, boyfriend, child, friend] being a jerk?? Why are they trying to hurt me?” Sound familiar?

They’ve triggered you, unknowingly stepped on a mine that explodes in your head and they don’t even know they’re covered with the resulting sea of emotion. The hard part is that you often don’t know it either. This happened to me yesterday and when I stepped away from the conversation, I was feeling a little wrecked. But if you had listened to a recording of the conversation, you would have thought it sounded logical. Except to me, it was harsh, stern, I was in the wrong…but that was the trigger. The words unintentionally sucked my heart into a spiral.

When I thought about it later though, I realized that what was really happening is that the feeling I had in that moment, that wasn’t caused by the conversation.  A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback that take you back to an uncomfortable, difficult time you’ve had in the past.  For me, that was caused by times in the past when I’ve disappointed someone whose opinion I care greatly about and the feeling that came from those moments.  So while the conversation I was having in that moment was pretty healthy, I unwittingly had a negative reaction and had to spend time in recovery to get myself past it.

What does all this have to do with the happiest time of the year? Christmas is a time that is surrounded by a lot of tradition for most people, which is awesome. Can be warm memories. But not for everyone. Some people had a different experience, difficult experiences and when the season comes around, those are the memories, the feelings that are triggered. And it might not be you. It could be your husband, wife…same list…or a co-worker. You’re not going to know the triggers that are there for others, but what you can know is that they could be there. You can ask questions, you can stick with that person and not take reactions personally. We’ve all got stuff, and if you know that, you’re lucky. Be someone who stands by your person, loves them through it, cares for them through it, tries to understand it with them, normalizes Printit for them. Your relationship will be stronger for it, and you can both get on with having the happiest season of all.

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Whose story are you writing?

 

wonderingI was talking to a friend of mine the other day about a relationship she’s in. Our conversation had a lot of, “I wonder if he…why doesn’t he…if only he…” pondering really about what was going on in the other person’s mind and wishing that their behavior and thinking was what we thought it “should” be. Wouldn’t that make things a lot easier? If, in any relationship, the other person behaved according to plan, our plan? The way we think they should respond? Of course it would.

But that’s not how it works.  After musing about this for a few minutes, she shared with me a piece of wisdom she’d recently received on the topic. Don’t write his side of the story. Just let that sink in for a minute.

How often do we do that in relationships? Whether it be romantic, friends, co-workers, we often expect others to behave, to respond, in the way we would respond. We play the scene out in our head and when it doesn’t play out like we expect, we’re disappointed. And then the fun really starts. We start assigning meaning to how they’re “not” responding. Unloving, uncaring, disconnected, disrespectful, uninterested. Our imagination takes a death spiral. And now, possibility with another person becomes futile in our minds.

What if we chose a different approach? What if instead of getting a Pulitzer for telling their side of the story, we chose instead to just be in the moment? To only think about our side of the story? To not assign definitions to what we think is going on, what we think the other person is thinking. What would that look like?

Could look like freedom. Freedom from the negative feelings and thoughts that come from trying to predict what’s going on for the other person. Could look like taking responsibility for our own true thoughts and behaviors, ones that are not dictated by how we should respond to someone who is…fill in the blank… Because in reality, they’re probably doing nothing of the sort.  If we decide that it’s ok to let go and not let our inner ego drive, you know, the one that says “you don’t deserve to be treated like that!” Treated like what??? The other person hasn’t done anything. You’re reacting to the story that you wrote.

So today my challenge is to stay focused on you. Let the other person write their side of the story. Chances are, it’ll have a much better ending than anything you could have dreamed.

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Trust me…

uplifted-handThe other day I was thinking about trust. Mainly, where do I put my trust, in people, or in stuff.  The idea led my brain on a twisty ride which I’m going to try and spill out. Often in relationships you’ll have conversations with the other person that stem around “do you trust me?” I tend to trust people easily. I believe what they say, I try to presume that their intentions are good, that they are kind. It’s an outward facing trust.

I also believe that I am also a trustworthy person. I am honest, if you know me, you know that I call it like I see it. I do have good intentions, I strive to be kind. The same things as I believe about other people. Again, outward facing.

The trust I’ve been thinking about is inward trust. It’s a question of who do I lean on, who do I trust when life is hard, because, be honest, for everyone there are times when life is hard. I believe, not dissimilar to many other people probably, that I hold things pretty close. Sometimes I’ll talk about how I feel, because I process out loud. But what people say, what they do, I put through my filter, my story, instead of taking their care and concern at face value. I think I hold back sometimes from trusting with my whole heart. Sound familiar?

So if I hold back trusting with my whole heart, where do I get comfort? Where do I turn when things are hard. To myself? Sometimes. That’s the whole self-reliant thing.  Helpful at times, but can also be isolating. What do I really do for comfort – full disclosure? – I call it stress shopping.  So there’s some dirty laundry. But if you’re like me, you have your go-to also. For me, again, it’s outward facing, not leaning on others.

Interestingly, as I go through this journey, I’m finding it doesn’t really bring me the comfort it used to because, honestly, it wasn’t comfort, it was distraction. Instead, I want to be able to trust that another person can comfort me, or that I could even comfort myself…show self-compassion. In thinking about this, I know I’m not alone. I know there are people out there who struggle with trusting that other people can comfort them. Who prefer to lean on stuff, on habits, on food, on distractions for comfort.

What I’m realizing is that we need people, each of us. Whether you’re self-reliant or not, we need others, and others need us, and that’s ok. That’s how God wired us. Really. He wants us to trust in Him and other people are an extension of His love. Each of us has that love inside of us, ready to share with other people. You may have a closet of comfort but I’d encourage you to try trusting in, leaning on, finding comfort and compassion in other people. I think it’s a journey worth taking, one that allows you and others to lean in, lean on, and move forward…together.

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Is time on your side?

 

running-timeTime. Is there ever enough of it? I’ve become conscious of how much energy I spend managing my time.  It’s crazy really.  I have all this stuff in my head that I absolutely must get done. I allow myself to feel stressed out about it and then spend more time figuring out how to get it done.  What I really want is to feel like I have all the time I need but that doesn’t seem to happen.

What if there was another way? If you had all the time you wanted, think about the possibilities! Right now, I’m stuck in feeling like time is something I fight against to get things done. I think the “things” dictate my day, not my decisions.  What I’d like to do is get to stop stressing about it because that just causes me more anxiety and negative energy overall.

So what’s the plan, Lisa? Good question.  First thing is to acknowledge that, in reality, there are very few things that actually “have” to get done. When I hold up the mirror, I’m looking for the personal value that’s driving my behavior. For me, I think my value of responsibility is calling the shots. Responsibility is fine when it’s used “for good not evil” as I like to say. But if the responsibility is due to a fear of what will happen if I’m not “responsible” it’s overstepped the boundary.

Back to the plan. What can I do, what can anyone do, to move to a reality where time really is “on our side,” not the common enemy?  Make a list. Yeah, super simple, not brain surgery. But one thing I’ve learned recently is that the more stuff I try to hold in my head, the less space I have for creative things, activities that bring me energy. I’m not only managing my time, I’m managing all the stuff in my head. I’ve fought lists too, but am learning that I forget and then have to spend time working backwards until I remember what I was supposed to do, or miss stuff. So step 1, lists, I can do that today.

What about this week, what can I do this week? Thanksgiving is coming up.  Lots to do, legitimately. But I can look at what needs to be done and determine if I’m actually the one who needs to do it.  My son can make mashed potatoes. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. I can let some things go. Ok, step 2, let stuff go.

Looking farther out, what else, what would be a longer term goal – the ideal goal? Keep the lists, look at the pattern of how I’m spending time. Make decisions on what needs to stay and what can go. As part of that, resist the temptation to fill the time with more “stuff.” Instead, for me, I want to build in time to “just be.” To spend time in self-care, in relationship, with friends, with family. That time? Well that’s time well spent.

I don’t think my fight against time is uncommon, so if you’re facing a similar battle, look at these simple steps for yourself. What value is driving you? What can you do today? What will you do next week? What’s your longer term goal? It doesn’t have to be hard and if you start today, like I am, you’ll be rockin’ by Christmas! Time will be on your side.

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How do you want to feel?

 

positve-energyTo start, this is not a political statement in any way, nor a comment about who won our nation’s election.  What is rolling around in my head are thoughts about the energy that people, including me, put out to the world and what reflects back at them.  I’m noticing an abundance of negative energy, thoughts, comments, rhetoric from people around the country, negative energy that seems to be growing.

The law of attraction is a theory that says “by focusing on negative or positive thoughts, a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life.” This is based on the thought that like energy attracts like energy. Whether you fully believe that theory or not, think about it. You’re in a conversation with your spouse.  They are amped about plans you made for the weekend, without consulting them.  You have a choice in that moment.  Say you get defensive, you shoot back that you shouldn’t have to talk to them first. How’s that work out for you? Likely you’ll get the next level up from your spouse, anger, frustration, resentment…and this cycle will continue until one of you steps out.  One of you chose to respond with negative energy and it attracted more negative energy.

What if instead when your spouse came at you amped, you stepped away from the negative energy, dodged it.  What if you responded that you could understand how that could be frustrating and that it would be frustrating for anyone in that situation…and apologized. How would your spouse respond? Chances are, they’d respond well, plain and simple. You chose to respond to negative energy with positive energy and that is the direction you both continued in.

When you spend your day thinking about the negative things happening around the country, or in your work, your relationship or with yourself, you’re drawing negative energy to you.  It is normal that you would continue to see the negative around you, that’s what you’re looking for to build your case.  We want information that supports how we’re feeling in that moment, and there’s plenty of it to be found. That’s what’s happening around our nation right now.

If you choose to shift your focus – or frankly begin your thought process – from a positive viewpoint, that is what you’re going to attract.  You will begin to see the positive aspects of situations.  People around you will begin to feel that positive energy and will respond in kind. That cycle is one worth investing in. When you’re thinking about the positive aspects in your life, you will see and experience more of them, you’ll create positive experiences.

So what if each of us made that choice right now for our nation.  Focus not on what you may perceive as the negative things happening around the country, but instead, focus and talk about the positive. Pray for peace and cooperation. Do your part to stop the negative path we’re on. We can build each other up or tear each other down, I for one want to choose the positive path, and build each other up, and hope my positive energy will draw the same from you.